Work Text:
Stan wasn't a fan of mornings.
For they meant he's had to wake up yet again; a routine that life has long written. Every soul follows the unstoppable path of living until their last breath. Perhaps, seeing it on the side that it also meant that he was a step closer could be another way to see it, but people saw it as a negative thinking, so he keep his thoughts to himself.
You start to tunnel your vision so far that you only see what you want to see. To him, his room was empty, nothing that belonged to him, none of these dirty clothes that he kicked away from his bed when he got up, not the games that laid unsorted on the floor, not the pictures he has on his bedside table of memories he can't even remember. The sun hit just right in his face, and he obeyed to get out of bed.
No one teaches you what you should do when you feel like this. Because you're not supposed to go through this - none of this is meant to happen. You barely made it into your teenage years and you're already wasting your life away - then it plagues others, driving them away, and you become some sort of horror show people would prefer to stay away from.
After Marsh was done with the boiling hot shower, he went to go eat breakfast, and much to his surprise, his best friend sat at the table and waved at him excitedly. "Hey dude!"
Stan blinked, and waved back, much less enthusiastic, and sat on the chair next to Kyle. A moment of silence befell while Sharon prepared the breakfast for the boys, it wasn't uncommon for Kyle to show up at his Stan unwarranted but it was only so early in the morning and his house was.... Quite far from Stan's. In fact, if Stan tried to think about it, Kyle hasn't really hang out at that place that often.
Broflovski didn't really question the tardy reaction from Stan, it was no secret he had become much less responsive the last few months, it was something he was willing to... Live with. As confusing as that could be, it was something Kyle could live with, even if he couldn't understand, and spared himself from any further ceremonies. "Your mom wanted to make you surprise because she said that you and me don't really hang out as much." He paused, to take a glance at Stan and see how he would respond. The latter didn't really flinch or give any reaction, rather, he was very absorbed in his own mind and didn't really listen; that's what he assumed. That's what made sense to Kyle anyway.
Stan listened to the words carefully and just tried to process it in his head. When did Kyle even come in? Stan usually stays up pretty late because he can't sleep at night and didn't hear anything. Maybe he just arrived really early? "How?" He asked, with a hushed voice, as if it was stuck to his throat. He returned the glance to Kyle, the contrast between his own expression and Kyle's was enough to make him feel ashamed; it was difficult to show so much energy.
But Kyle giggled anyway.
"Well, my mom and your mom were kinda the ones who set it up. I just came here really early and trust me! It was really fucking late. Probably like 5 am? I don't know man, my mom just made me wake up real early and get in the car. Fuck dude, it was freezing! I swear, my ass must have frozen inside of that car and it might fall apart!" Kyle sort of started monologuing, but it didn't bother Stan. He liked when he did that. Just talked mindlessly about whatever, and he was a good talker, Stan was a good listener. He was even a little jealous of his ability of just talking whatever went in his mind, because he spoke with such grace and everything made sense. Nothing he said ever sounded half as coherent.
"Also the fact you live in butt-fuck nowhere doesn't help. You're so close to the mountains you might as well just live on 'em already... But don't tell your dad. Visiting you is hard already, I don't wanna have to climb a whole ass mountain just to play with you." Kyle shrugged, and paused his discourse to look at Stan.
Oh, yeah. He should make a comment now. "Yeah, you know how my dad is... His brain is fueled by shit. He hasn't moved to some third world country yet 'cus the chance hasn't come up." He complained, laying his head on the table. Kyle was expecting a lighter response but that kind of answer isn't surprising considering the situation. He started tapping his fingers on the table, "If that were to happen, I could put you in a suitcase and sneak you into my house, so you wouldn't have to live through that." He reassured his friend, best he knew how, and Sharon, who had been preparing food and eavesdropping, served breakfast to the two kids. A stack of pancakes for each with sweet toppings to give them a lot of energy. "Here you go kids, make sure to eat well!"
"Woow, Mr. Marsh! It looks great! Thank you so much!"
"Yeah, thanks mom!" Both the kids smiled at the woman who scratched her neck in embarrassment. "Just make sure to eat well okay? I'll be upstairs, take care!" She left hurriedly. The words that Stan spoke stuck with her; it was so obvious how much his dad's actions had affected her son and daughter. That's precisely why she divorced him. But when she saw how his little boy was doing she had no choice but to return to him, and even then, Stan didn't change. Maybe if she never divorced him in the first place things would be fine; she felt awful for being the one to make her son like this.
Kyle stabbed his pancakes and opened wide, "Hey look at this!" He tapped Stan on the shoulder, who took his time to turn to Kyle. "I'm gonna shove all this in my mouth in one try!" Stan cocked an eyebrow, as if challenging him without saying anything. Kyle wasn't going to let himself be intimidated by Stan, and picked up the stack of at least 5 pancakes with the fork and shoved them all in his mouth..... tried to, at least. The pancakes broke when he tried to shove them all at once, and fell down his lap and clothes. Still, he tried to chomp the ones inside his mouth.
Kyle looked... so stupid and miserable. It made Stan laugh. "Dude, you look like a fucking hamster!" he pointed at his face, snarking. Kyle's eyebrows furrowed as he tried to gulp down the pancakes without choking, and the struggle made Stan laugh even more, and Kyle angrier. It took him a good five minutes before he actually swallowed them down and could speak, but after that exercise... he didn't even want to.
Stan stopped laughing after he saw Kyle's look of defeat. "Hey, see it on the bright side. You gave me a good laugh." He patted his friend's back, in a mocking way. Kyle's patience was already wearing thin, so, he jumped Stan, knocking him off of the chair.
It wasn't a big fall, nor a bad one. It was just play fighting that they used to do a lot before, and Kyle tackled Stan down successfully. "What were you saying?!"
Stan froze, staring at Kyle, who had an overly confident look in his face, and also, chocolate drizzle on his cheeks. "You look silly." He said, in a monotone voice. Kyle gave him a questioning look, and Stan just wiped off some of the chocolate with his finger then licked it. Kyle quickly reached for his face and noticed it was covered in the toppings of the pancake. "Aw crap!" He got up, and Stan followed. "I'm gonna go wash my face, but don't think you're free now!" He empty threatened Stan, marching upstairs with fast and heavy steps.
Stan smiled softly at what had just happened. It was a pleasant surprise, after all, to have Kyle over unwarranted, he always knew how to make him smile. It was one of the last good things in his life, and he always chased after Kyle no matter what. He needed Kyle. He was the only constant in his life, the one who knew all about Stan, if not more, if not more than what Stan did. Sometimes, it was like he could see through Stan. As much as that scared him, it was something good. He didn't need to talk about himself.
Stan climbed back on his chair and he was once again alone. He looked down at the plate and sighed, deciding he wouldn't be eating the rest. It didn't look very appetising. He sat down on the couch, just staring at the TV. It wasn't even on. He just looked at his reflection and his mind started to divagate, things becoming blurrier....
This new thing that would happen at random times of his life was something that helped him cope with the overwhelming feelings inside of his head. His brain, a cage, could be opened, the outside felt blurry and fuzzy and his brain was silent. Nothing could come in or out and every emotion he felt was suppressed. He was out of touch with himself and his surrounding, leaving reality for a little while, an escapism to a place with no turmoil-
"Woohoo, Earth to Stan?" Stan blinked, things slowly going back to their place. He closed his eyes, regaining consciousness, then opened them again. He couldn't quite tell who's voice that was, but, the hand waving in front of him was undeniably Kyle's; the green glove was recognizable anywhere.
"Hey, yeah I'm here."
"We gotta go to school."
"Oh right." Stan jumped out of the couch, still wobbly, and followed behind Kyle who followed behind Sharon to the car. They both sat in the backseats and Sharon quickly started driving. At first, there wasn't any conversation. Just radio silence, songs of all generations playing in the radio. Stan didn't really bother to listen to them because they sounded like shit... Though, some of them he did recognize. And it reminded of when he was into music himself. When he had this huge collection of Vinyl, he must still have it somewhere, if his dad didn't get rid of it. And this guitar too - at some point, Stan had a dream of becoming a star, a rockstar!.... Now his dreams were more on the lines of, "please just let me be like other kids".
The silence was starting to bother Kyle. Stan just stared into the endless field of... snow, out in the window. He hasn't even looked at his friend's way. Maybe he was too absorbed in his thoughts. It confused Kyle, maybe his friend wasn't even there anymore, and it was just a carcass; that's what he wants to believe. Stan left this body and went somewhere better. Whoever this person was... It wasn't the same person, far from that... But somehow it was just like him. He reminisced the memory of not so long ago when he was on top of Stan. Anyone in that situation would of just gone along and played but of course Stan had to ruin it..... Which was oddly at brand for him to do.
That's why he thinks that his friend is still there.. Somewhere.
Suddenly the car stops in front of the elementary school. Kyle quickly gets off the car, and Stan takes longer because he was talking to Sharon.
Kyle starts walking towards the school but stops midway, to wait for Stan. He just distanced himself a little to give them some space.
It doesn't take Stan long to start walking furiously towards him, he's upset, maybe angry, from something his mom said. "....And take care!" She finished off, shouting, before driving away.
"What happened there?" Kyle doesn't hesitate to ask, and Stan starts to look for answers that make sense. "Mom was just tryin' to give me a talk." He shrugged, clearly not telling the whole story.
"Did you say anything to her?"
"I just told her to drop it." He started walking; Kyle followed, hands stuck to his backpack straps.
He tried to pry in even more, out of concern. "What was she talking to you about?"
"She was apologising for something. I don't really know what though."
And it stopped at that. Kyle's mind started to puzzle it together; what could she be apologising about? For having him over when Stan didn't know? Nah, that couldn't be it. Stan would be happy to be in Kyle's company... Right? Maybe he needed confirmation. Kyle stopped. Stan didn't realize and kept walking inside of the school. Kyle didn't think he would actually go inside, maybe he'd realize sooner or later that --
Stan didn't stop. Kyle stood there, appalled. Maybe that really was it. This whole time -- people wanted Kyle to be there for him, when in reality, he was the last thing Stan wanted. Of course, this wasn't the only thing that gave it away. Truth is, their relationship was never the same ever since Stan's birthday, as much as he tried to deny it, it was true. Stan distanced himself from their group, doing things on his own or with some random people, hung out with his girlfriend too, but she also said how distant emotionally he's become. Stan just makes it look like he doesn't want anything to do with anybody, and it made Kyle upset. Of course, he's told him this before, but he never changed. Maybe that's it.
Upon reaching the lockers, Stan opened it and took out his stuff, "Ugh, I'm so tired of that dumbass teacher." He commented, in an attempt to spark up a conversation, given how quiet it was. Surprisingly, Kyle didn't answer -- Kyle wasn't even there? But, they were walking to school together? Why wasn't he at the lockers? Did he somehow... Lose Kyle? He started looking around, and there was no sight of the signature green he knew too well. Did Kyle just...
Leave him,
again?
And this time, without saying anything -- it wasn't something that surprised him. Though it made him greatly sad.... upset. Maybe he didn't want to hurt his feelings and just left. But that hurt way more. The silence treatment is haunting. Of things left unsaid, there was only so much he's ever said to Kyle and oh, so much, truly a lot he had yet to say to him and now he had just... vanished from his life. It didn't stop there. When they were in class, Kyle obviously couldn't just sit in a different classroom, but he did his best to avoid Stan. He even started to hang out with the other group with Craig and his gang. And so Stan had become a loner, because Cartman and Kenny had no idea what had gone between Kyle and Stan - and honestly, not even them knew exactly. Cartman and Kenny were the kind of friends you can hang out with but can't really talk to. Not that Stan was interested to so, but that's how he viewed them. He's never heard them speak about their lives or having any deep meaningful conversations. And maybe that's a good thing. They shouldn't have to be reflecting on their lives at such a young age.
Stan just tagged along these two for the time being, but even them got tired. They started ditching Stan here and there until they just ditched him completely. Of course - these three all cared about Stan. A ton, in fact, they were all connected. They had been together since they acknowledge themselves as people but, there was only so much they could do.
Depression is silent. Depression pries into your life and takes over everything it can, and it doesn't limit to yourself, but also what you have, the people around you. It sucks out every bit of hope you may have. Every last bit of motivation you may have, until you are nothing but a dead person walking. You are nothing that wanders, quite like a ghost. And more and more often, Stan would be absent, ditching school for days, until it became weeks, months.... And he failed school. Even Cartman had passed and he failed because he missed half of the year. But it didn't bother Stan; his parents it sure bothered them, especially his dad. He got so angry that he made Stan sleep outside, in the farm. It was extremely cold, because he couldn't even grab a blanket. But surprisingly, it was the most alive he'd felt in probably months, maybe even an year. The coldness froze his skin and he could feel his being leave his body. It was different than when he dissociated, on the contrary, the frostbite and the pain made him feel like he had emotions, like he was alive. Laying outside in the snow became a frequent activity for him. His parents didn't even question him for it anymore, at some point they just let him do what he pleased, and focused more on his sister, who was doing better in both mental health and in school.
Sometimes, Stan wouldn't even return home when he laid outside. He would walk all the way to South Park, and look for anything that could satiate him, that could make him feel alive, but he'd pass out from exhaustion in the street before he could find anything, and when he did find something, he passed out from an alcohol overdosing. These small shenanigans went unnoticed for an alarming long time.
"I don't know man, it's really late and-" Kenny shushed Kyle's mouth and nodded.
"Listen. Dude. You wanna find the good stuff right? So you gotta go downtown when it's real late, otherwise you can't find anythin'."
Kyle and Kenny were planning to pull a prank on Cartman with the help of Clyde. Cartman probably said something offensive about Clyde's deceased mom and Kyle decided to do something about it, and thought that maybe giving him a sexual disease would get him back, as Cartman did the same in the past.
"Fine. But we can't return late, otherwise my mom will notice."
Kenny gave him a thumbs up as he stuffed the money into his pockets and they left the old McCormick household and made their way downtown. Just as they entered, there was already all kinds of scenarios - prostitutes, makeout sessions, people drinking, smoking, playing with weapons, people passed out in the middle of the....street? His eyes stopped at one of the people dappled on the road, one that had a very similar hat as Stan once had but -- he wouldn't be here. He lived too far away and he wouldn't visit some place like this so late into the night, especially all alone. "Hey dude is that-" Kyle went to tap Kenny on the shoulder, but he had already disappeared too. Oh fuck. Now he was all alone in a place full of the dangerous kind of strangers. He walked, very carefully, to not disturb anyone and to not be talked to by anybody, until he reached the person who he thought was Stan. The build of the person was similar to Stan too. "He comes here almost 'verday though he's a kid. Drinks a lot too, kid's got a man in him!" The passerby, an old man, laughed to himself with the comment, as he chugged down a beer and walked away. Kyle looked confused, and kneeled down to the figure - God, the smell was very uncomfortable already. Upon further inspection, yes, it was Stan. He shook him, to wake him up.
Stan didn't come to his senses right away, rather... he was still half-asleep and didn't realize what was happening. " 'M I finally deaaaaaad???" He asked.
"No asshole. What the fuck are you doing here?" Kyle shook him by the collar and stared him down inside of his eyes, inside of his soul, with pursed eyebrows. Stan just blankly stared back, eyes red and a puffy face; inebrated. "Hey, hey hey. Don't come to ask me questions after you left me likeeee...." Stan pretended to count on his fingers. "10 months ago." Kyle let go and Stan abruptly fell to the ground again. "Tsk. Is this why you didn't want me around?" Kyle quizzed, getting up and staring down at Stan.
"What the fuck are you talking about?" Stan looked up, waving the bottle in his hand, some of the liquid left spilling on Kyle's shoes. Without thinking twice, he slapped his hand, thus knocking the bottle and shattering it on impact. Stan groaned angrily but Kyle was even angrier and leaned down to face him.
"I'm talking about this! What the fuck got into you?"
"I don't know what you're talking about." He pushed Kyle away, and propelled himself up clumsily, barely able to keep balance.
"Where the hell have you been?"
"Where have YOU been? You're the one who left me."
"You didn't want me around."
Stan stared at Kyle in disbelief, taking in his angry features and how proudly he uttered these words. "When did I ever say that?" His voice sounded a lot more sober, and the slurring had faded.
"We stopped talking and...." Kyle divagated, lost in thought. Of course he had a reason to abandon his best friend; if he could even call the person standing in front of him that. It was a completely different person. His super best friend was someone astute, funny, energetic, and one who he could have a great time with, but whoever this was... it just looked like he had his whole life sucked out of him. And it made him sad, to see Stan in such a state. These last months weren't treating him well, and who knows just how long Stan had been hanging out in this place too. Somehow, Kyle felt a little guilty, even if it wasn't his fault. After all, he just did the best for him -- no, for both of them. They shouldn't be together, Kyle only made things worse for Stan... Constantly bringing him down to his level. Yes, Stan was meant for great things, but Kyle only pulled him down, for he was not good enough --
"You stopped talking to me." Stan interjected.
A silence befell between them, taking in the situation at hand. Kyle's expression softened, deep in thought, avoiding eye contact.
"I am not what you need." was all he could say. Stan blinked, then started laughing. Hysterically. Like he had just said the joke of the century.
"What's so funny?" Kyle asked, unfazed, and confused by the sudden reaction.
The laughing wouldn't stop, in fact, he even knelt down, running out of breath.
"Hey, this is not the time to be drunk! Just tell me!" He crossed his arms, patience thinning by the second. He gripped Stan by the shoulders and started shaking him.
Stan wiped a tear off his eye, breathing in and out to regain his composure. Suddenly, his expression became deadly serious, as if he hadn't been laughing incessantly.
"Seriously? How many times do I gotta prove to you you're my best friend? I...I love you dude, like, fuck! I just wished that you'd realize how shitty everything is!"
Kyle stared at him blankly, the grip on his shoulders loosening up, and Stan continued. "Like, like... Everything sucks, you said it yourself! But I'm just a kid dude, I have no fucking idea what the hell is happening to me and everyone just left me! Even my parents gave up on me!"
It hit Kyle, like a train at full speed. That was it -- all this time, Kyle only saw his side of the story. Of course, he was more than aware of Stan's situation, probably better than anyone. But he didn't see Stan. He didn't see how he felt. This whole time, he was just trying to put a bandaid over it and try to move on - that's logical, that's what makes sense. But nothing of what Stan said made sense. But it was how he felt, it was sincere, it was genuine, it is how feelings are. The most raw thing that someone can do is speak their mind, and speak of their feelings. It certainly isn't something he's used to doing. Hell, his whole life he was raised on how to do things rationally. But that's not what Stan needed - he didn't need a solution, he didn't need for things to be solved in an instant. Because if they were to be solved, he'd still feel this way. All that Stan needed was Kyle. And he let him down. No words could ever be enough to demonstrate what he felt then, he just jumped Stan and hugged him. Tightly.
Stan hugged him back, and buried his nose into Kyle's shoulder, sobbing. "There's just so much that I don't understand. I want to be like you, like Kenny, like Cartman like Craig like everyone. I just want to be able to enjoy my life again. I want to have fun and..." he muffled, through sobs and hiccups. "I want to be me again."
Kyle listened to the words carefully; he had been a terrible friend to Stan. This whole time, the monologues only went one way. He had to learn to listen more, like Stan did. Likewise, Stan needed to talk mindlessly, speak his heart out like Kyle did. They had a lot to learn from one another, but they could only improve if they were together, not separated. As much as it upset Kyle to not be able to just put a bandaid and run around happily, as much as he didn't understand exactly what was going on, he just knew he needed to be a friend to Stan again. He just had to reassure him of it.
.....
"It's okay."
.......
"You'll be okay."
..........
Stan pulled away from Kyle, sobbing and hiccups decreasing, and wiped the tears from his fave with the sleeves of his jacket.
"Do you think so?" He said, through croaks and snot in his nose.
Kyle smiled. A genuine smile from the bottom of his heart.
"Yes. And I'll be here when you need me, even if..." Kyle scratched his neck, and looked down, "Even if this is all new, I'll be here, alright?"
Stan returned the smile. A smile that had been hiding in his heart.
"Thank you."
"Hey... isn't that... Kenny?" He pointed, behind Kyle. The latter turned around and saw a Kenny dropped on the road in front of a prostitute. Stan gasped.
"She stabbed Kenny! Oh my god, she killed Kenny!"
"You bastard!" Kyle yelled out in an angry tone, cursing to the gods above. Then turned his gaze to Stan and giggled, he held out his hand to Stan, who accepted the offer after some hesitation.
"Let's go my house and get you cleaned up."
"It's good to have you back, dude."
"Yeah, love you too."