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Ni-ki wants to be big. Both figuratively and literally. He wants to be larger than life.
At the ground-breaking, identity building age of 10, Nishimura Riki decided that he wants to be perfect. Of course, the definition of perfection is always changing when you're an adolescent boy who dreams of being the biggest star the world has ever seen. And to do so, he knows he has to have set dreams, set goals to achieve that will allow him to become the person he so badly wants to be. It's what he's been doing for years, for as long as he can remember, he dreams and dreams and works his ass off to get what he wants.
At 6 he dreamed of becoming a famous dancer as his dad taught him some basic, fun moves in their home studio, laughing along with him whenever he fell or made a mistake.
At 11 he dreamed of dancing with Shinee as he sat cuddled up with his mum on a Saturday night, bingeing the group's performances as they shook their lightsticks at the TV screen.
At 12 he dances with Shinee. He dances and laughs as the idols perform and tell jokes, he smiles and bows when they finally end their shows. He gets a hug from Key and a pep-talk about chasing dreams from Minho, and so he begins dreaming bigger. Dreaming better. Working harder, thinking faster, doing more.
At 13, as he continued to dance on and off stage, as he taught dance classes with his sister, he dreamed of becoming like Shinee. An idol.
At 14 he joined I-Land. Surrounded by people older than him, taller than him, bigger and better than him, he becomes unsure. Unsure of himself, of his abilities, of his decisions because at 14 he’s still a child. He’s no adult, not like Koga Yudai who is more like an older brother to him than he would ever admit to the man’s face. Not like Choi Seon who acts like he’s older than he actually is, or Lee Heeseung who’s a little too perfect, a little too good at everything for Riki to not be jealous.
At 14 Nishimura Riki meets Kim Sunoo and Yang Jungwon and Park Jongseong and decides that he’ll just become better . Sure, Sunoo’s voice seeps into the soul like honey but he vows to himself that his will too. Yes, Jay’s passion runs deep and his fire never fades no matter how much rejection he faces but Riki will be like that, is like that too. And yeah, maybe Jungwon’s just a little too good at isolation, just a little too smooth with his steps but Riki can do that too.
He’s only a little upset that the boy has stayed in I-Land this whole time while Riki has been moving from The Ground to I-Land and back from episode to episode. But he can admit that both Yang Jungwon and Park Sunghoon are Lee Heeseungs in the making with their smooth dancing and their unique voices and their natural charisma so he can’t do much other than huff and glare while Kim Sunoo chatters on about Sunghoon’s face and how he definitely wants to be his (Sunoo’s) friend but is too shy to approach him (Sunoo’s words not Riki’s).
But Riki is an opportunist, so as he watches the camera follow Sunoo as he gets up and makes his way towards Sunghoon, he makes his move. He crosses his arms and contorts his face into the most intimidating glare he can muster as he marches off to Jungwon, finding him sitting on the couch with Ta-Ki, both of them staring blankly at an iPad that’s playing what seems to be a recording of the younger dancing.
He knows he should probably tone down the intimidation tactics and say something along the lines of ‘Hi Jungwon, you’re really good at dancing, wanna be friends?’ or ‘Hey Jungwon I’ve been practising the dance but it’s just not working for me, could you help me?’ but he’s never been the smartest. This is apparent when Jungwon tilts his head up to look him in the eyes and suddenly he’s opening his big, fat mouth and talking.
“Yang Jungwon you are the cutest person I have ever met but I swear to god I’m going to fucking annihilate you at everything you do. In fact, I’m already better than you at everything, you’re just cute so they let you stay in I-Land even though I deserve to be in your spot and we both know it!”
He should probably be thankful that his unconscious mind decided to spew it all out in Japanese because otherwise it wouldn’t have had the same effects. These effects being Jungwon’s eyes widening and his round cheeks instantly flushing like Riki’s did when his older sister’s friends would coddle and compliment him. In contrast, Ta-Ki was sitting there with his mouth agape, in shock at the bullshit his friend had just spewed, unable to believe the audacity of the younger boy.
“I-I’m sorry, Ni-ki,” Jungwon stuttered, flushing even more as he looked at Ta-Ki and then back at him, speaking softly, “I don’t really know what you’re saying.”
Ni-ki pursed his lips before looking over at Ta-Ki and opening his mouth to apologise.
“Aren’t you a little too cute to be more than a year older than me?” And there he goes again.
Stupid fucking, good for nothing (oh my god that rhymed-) mouth , he thinks, wanting to slap himself as he watches Jungwon’s brows furrow further, his eyes somehow growing larger as he pouts slightly. Oh no and now he’s tilting his head, oh god . Suddenly Ni-ki’s head is going blank and the only thought that’s processing is a repeating chain of ‘Jungwon, cute’.
He’s only snapped out of it when he hears Ta-Ki let out a squeaky laugh and finally speak up, “Dude, he has no idea what you’re saying.” He starts, only to switch into Japanese, “You should be glad your idiot brain decided to say that shit in Japanese because what the fuck is wrong with you. I don’t know if you’re being jealous-stupid or crushing-on-Jungwon-stupid, but what I do know is that the only words he actually understood from that rant were: his name, I-Land and cute.”
Riki frowned at Riki. And then he sputtered as Kim Sunoo came out of nowhere from behind him, grabbed onto his wrist and dragged him away from the duo. Ni-ki watched as Jungwon’s face remained flushed and his eyes continued to glitter under the bright lights with their almost enchanting beauty and oh god Riki has no idea how he's meant to hate the boy when he can’t even decide whether he wants to be him or hold him in his arms and never let go.
Not that the decision matters all that much because he's back in The Ground within the next few days, ultimately reigniting his seemingly endless desire to win.
And somehow just like that, still 14, he makes the debut line-up. He comes 4th overall with over a million votes and some new friends; he achieves another dream once more. But his greedy little heart can’t help but be a little ungrateful, a little unsatisfied. He wishes he’d come first but he’ll live.
Yang Jungwon came 1st and a little part of his brain tells him that’s why he’s probably not as upset as he expected himself to be, but when has he ever listened to his brain? Whatever, I beat Lee Heeseung anyway, he thinks, overly smug as he joins in on the group hug and that was that.
And then, as if his 14th year alive couldn’t get any better, suddenly he was debuting too. As a member of ENHYPEN, standing on a stage along with 6 other men who share his dream and aspirations, facing thousands of screaming fans with posters and lightsticks and smiles that fill every crevice of his heart with pure, unadulterated happiness. And so his seemingly unquenchable thirst to become perfect has simmered down to a low thrum as they prepare for performances, interviews, flights and award shows.
As Sim Jaeyun and Kim Sunoo's dancing gets better and better by the day, as Park Sunghoon breaks further out of his shy awkwardness, as Lee Heeseung keeps displaying his freakish and unmatched levels of epicness (Ni-ki’s words), as Yang Jungwon clicks into the leadership role as if he were born for it and as Park Jongseong got even cooler (not that Ni-ki would ever admit that he was cool in the first place), Riki is at peace. At peace with himself, at peace with where he was in life, at peace with the people around him.
It's nice , he would occasionally think to himself, not constantly reaching for more.
Of course, as someone who thrives on ambition and his own hunger for more, he doesn’t last too long before he's hurtling towards another goal. However, this goal is new, it's odd, different from his usual, unlike any of his previous dreams. This dream doesn’t burn a fire into his stomach, it creates a screen across the front of his mind, always there, even as he tries to distract himself or pretend he doesn’t see it. It’s annoying, it’s a hassle and it itches. It itches his brain and his skin and feels like it's slowly but surely altering something deep within his very being.
At 15, for some unknown reason, he begins dreaming of becoming bigger than Yang Jungwon. Not better at dancing, not smarter, not cuter. No, he wants to be bigger. Maybe it's a little childish, a little dumb, to compare himself to the older boy, to base his dreams on another person, but Riki can't help it. Something deep within his soul, his bones and his being craves to be bigger, taller, broader and he has yet to figure out where it came from.
Maybe it started when he saw those pictures of the group floating around on the internet and scrolled down to find comments calling him ‘cute’, ‘adorable’, ‘precious’, a ‘kid’ when he wanted so badly to seem grown up and mature. Maybe it’s when the mini version of himself inside his brain fell to the ground with a dramatic sob, yelling, 'No, it can’t be! I’m not the cute one! Jungwon’s the cute one! Sunoo’s the cute one! Why am I being called cute?!'
Or maybe it’s when he wakes up to Jungwon’s alarm one day—odd, considering he can usually sleep through just about anything, including but not limited to: being pushed off Sunoo’s bed, Jay yelling at him, and Sunghoon’s ridiculous laugh that always gets a little louder and squeakier when it’s because of something Jake has said.
From where he’s wrapped around Sunoo’s sleeping frame, he peers over blearily to Jungwon’s side of the room, watching as the boy let out a soft whine and shuffled around under his covers before groaning and shooting an arm out to turn off the alarm, only to pull his arm straight back under his blankets and shuffle around some more.
Huh, Riki thinks, releasing Sunoo from his death-grip and turning to lay his head comfortably on his pillow, pulling the blanket tighter around his shoulders and neck as he watched the older boy wake up. He wasn’t used to this Jungwon. It felt like only yesterday Jungwon had been assigned the role of ‘leader’ and suddenly a switch had flipped. The boy that Riki had previously known as cute and endearing and sweet had shifted into someone more mature, straight-forward and so similar to, yet unlike, Jungwon that Riki thought he had teleported into another dimension.
But now, as he watched the boy slowly wake up, his thin lips stretching into a smile and causing his dimples to appear while he shuffled into a pair of slippers before pulling his heaviest blanket over his head and holding the ends tightly to his chest to keep his whole body covered, Riki melted. And he only melted further as he watched the boy turn around and startle, his large eyes widening from where Riki could see his face peeking out from his blanket armour and oh he was looking at him.
“Riki?” Said boy hummed as he continued to stare at Jungwon, dazed (he wasn’t sure whether it was him still being sleepy or just the impact Jungwon’s current disposition had on him), “Why are you awake?”
“Uh, I… Woke up?” The boy croaked, watching as Jungwon shuffled closer and oh god, his cheeks!
They dimpled—one more than the other, Riki noted—as he pursed his lips and the way they pushed against his blanket made them look so adorably puffy. Riki was floored. He was mesmerised, enraptured, gone.
Suddenly, he wanted to be a blanket. No, not just any blanket, but Jungwon’s, specifically the one he was using now. He wanted to squish Jungwon’s cheeks, he wanted to hold him, encompass him with his whole body. He wanted to go to sleep with him and wake up with him. Just to be able to see him like this everyday.
So maybe that’s when it started. The moment he set his eyes on 16-year-old Jungwon at his cutest and vowed to himself that he would see him like that again. And again and again. Just him too, a weird little voice in his head told him. He wanted to be the only one to see him like this.
He wanted to hold him when he was like this. And maybe he could, he just needed to get bigger. Yes, as big as that blanket, as tall as the door, as wide as their couch. Big enough to hold all of Jungwon by himself. To himself.
But for now he doesn’t mind watching the boy frown cutely at him. His eyes barely open, his aegyo-sal and cheeks extra puffy and soft. This view alone was enough to leave Riki giddy and make his day.
“You stayed up playing games on your phone again, didn’t you?”
The younger sputtered, breaking out of his dazed thoughts, “What? No!”
Jungwon just sighed, and it shouldn’t have looked and sounded as cute as it did. The boy shuffled over and kneed his legs out of the way, letting the Japanese move back to make some space before he sat down next to him. “Riki, you need to sleep as much as you can, whenever you can. We’re only going to get busier from now on.”
But the younger wasn’t really paying attention to his words as he lifted his leg to let the boy lean back onto it. However, as soon as the boy stopped talking, Riki was reaching an arm out of his own blanket cocoon and tugging him in until the boy fell into his embrace, head landing on his stomach before he lifted his legs to push the boy further up his body until Jungwon’s head was on his chest and his arm was around the older boy’s shoulders.
“Sleep.” He ordered, trying to sound strict but he was pretty sure his voice cracked halfway through the word. Whatever.
“Riki…” Jungwon wiggled around in his own blanket cocoon on top of him, trying desperately to stop himself from rubbing his face into the boy’s chest and going back to sleep, “I can’t. I have to wake everyone up in a few minutes.”
The Japanese groaned, shifting his arm up until it was resting on the boy’s head, aligning it with his heart and feeling the boy practically melt into him, “No you don’t. We only have practice in the afternoon today. Sleep in.”
At this point Jungwon was rapidly slipping from consciousness, surrounded by warmth and feeling the constant, stable rhythm of Riki’s heart against his cheek, he was gone. “Okay.”
In the end, they still woke up before everyone else. With Ni-ki wrapped around Jungwon like a second blanket, it was impossible for him to stay asleep when he felt the boy wiggle around in his arms and shuffle out. By the time everyone else woke up, Riki was half-asleep sitting at the kitchen counter as he watched Jungwon move around, toasting bread and making Riki some cereal. He couldn’t even find it in himself to be offended as he watched the boy pour the milk in before the cereal. It was a war crime really, but he’ll let it pass because the small, proud smile Jungwon had given him as he slid the bowl to him had rendered him speechless for the next hour.
Oh yeah, this is nice, he thought as he munched on his breakfast, swinging his feet and turning when a loud thud from somewhere behind him disrupted the peaceful atmosphere, only to find Sunghoon coming out of their room hopping on one leg as he cursed and whined about his precious toes with his hair simultaneously standing up in the air and falling into his eyes. Riki watched as Jake opened his door to find Sunghoon looking back at him before the younger boy slumped into him and faked some more sobs until the shorter boy sighed and patted his head. He watched as Sunghoon literally melted into the touch, making Jake laugh as he shuffled them along to the couches with the taller boy still clinging to his middle.
Huh. And then he went back to staring at Jungwon’s back. The curve from his shoulders to his waist, his fluffy hair, the way the boy turned to glance at him every so often. He could so get used to this.
At 15 and almost 8 months, Riki is not happy. Which is weird, because as he practically inhales all the vitamins his mother sends him every morning and night, he’s happy. As he works to burn all of his unwavering energy in dance practices, and then extra practices he likes to do by himself and occasionally with Sunghoon or Jungwon, he’s happy. As his bones ache with exhaustion every night and burn with excitement every morning, as he wakes up next to one member or another (usually Sunoo) and coddles Sunghoon and teases Jay and plays with Jake and Heeseung, he’s happy.
What he isn’t happy about is Jungwon. Jungwon who makes him happy by simply existing and being in his vague vicinity. Jungwon who is so so pretty and so so cute and so so so perfect . Jungwon who keeps opening his mouth and telling Riki that they are the same size, height, width, whatever.
Riki is not having it. And he is not happy, even as he sits with Jungwon in his lap, his chin on the boy’s shoulder and his arms tightly wound around the boy’s waist. Why? Because even now, as he’s sat pliant in Riki’s lap, he’s still refusing to acknowledge his own cuteness.
“You’re so cute, Jungwon!” He squeezes the older boy harder, “So cute! So tiny! Like a little kitten!”
“Riki, you’re squeezing me too hard!” The boy wheezes, exaggeratedly leaning forward as if out of breath, “And for the last time, we’re the same height. You’re literally a year younger than me, you’re the cute kid!”
See? Ni-ki frowned, loosening his arms a smidge as he retorted, slightly offended, “I’m not a kid!”
“You are!”
He huffed, unfurling his arms and dropping them to his sides, turning away dramatically, “Fine! Then get off me.”
Jungwon sputtered, “What? Why?!”
“Get off!”
“No! You get off!” The older boy scowled pettily, turning away from the boy as well, his arms crossed and head tilted in the opposite direction. Yet he moved back further until his back was right up against Riki’s chest as if to keep himself on the boy’s lap.
Ni-ki pretends he doesn’t feel it. He also pretends he doesn’t pull his arms back up and casually throw them around Jungwon's waist once more, letting him relax into him and tilt his head back onto his shoulder. He can’t help but notice that, pressed up together, while the older boy’s waist is smaller than his own, his shoulders are wider, spanning past Riki’s own and some.
He mentally notes this down as he rubs at Jungwon's stomach until he’s melting further into the embrace. There’s an imaginary list already forming in his head, a mental to-do list. One that now has another dot-point scrawled on it saying ‘shoulders → wider’ before disappearing again, tucking itself back in whatever nook or cranny he'd shoved it into when it had first started forming, a mental reminder of his goals.
Turning to see what everyone else was up to, he watched as Heeseung pressed Sunoo’s cheeks together over and over again, singing praises to him that make the boy physically light up and Riki knows his ego is skyrocketing once again.
He turns to his other side, watching tall and lean Sunghoon shove at not-as-tall Jay’s shoulder one too many times before the boy finally pulls him into a chokehold while Jake watches from a safe distance, cackling with his arm around his middle as he hunched forward.
I think I kind of have the same build as Sunghoon, Riki thinks to himself, tilting his chin down and turning his head from side to side to look at his own shoulders and then down at his arms that disappear around Jungwon’s middle. By this point, the older boy has pulled out his phone and is tapping away at the screen as he plays some random game, occasionally letting out a hum and kicking his feet lightly, wiggling his butt to get more comfortable or maybe in a victory dance? Riki wasn't really sure but he let him be, turning to look at Sunghoon again.
Maybe it was because they had both spent the majority of their childhood honing their skills and refining their athletic talents but Riki liked to think that they were the same person in different bodies, although it was only true in some ways and false in (the majority) others.
They both had the same frame, the same passion, the same desperation for perfection. But, where Sunghoon was elegant and smooth, Riki was strong and sharp. Where Sunghoon used acts of service to show his care, often doing things so unconsciously and quietly that the person on the receiving end of his affection wouldn't even notice, Riki used physical, blatant affection and trust to show his care, wearing his heart on his sleeve wherever he went.
Of course, when Riki thought about it, he couldn’t really understand why Sunghoon would choose to show his care so quietly. Wouldn’t he rather have it returned than have it go unacknowledged? Like a hug being reciprocated after a tiring practice session? Or even a simple 'I love you too'?
Okay, maybe that last one was a stretch. Sunghoon, for all he was, would rather die than say those words seriously. He would much rather show it through his actions and behaviour; he would say it as a joke or in his jokes, over and over again, every chance he could. But he would never say it seriously, directly, because that's just how he was.
Riki could live with that, but to be honest, he just didn't get it. He hadn’t understood it last night, when he'd watched Sunghoon meticulously cut the onions for dinner, tears welling in his eyes as he sniffled over and over again, only to let Jay take the credit when asked if he knew who had cut them.
He didn't understand it now, as the man let himself be lightly reprimanded by a flushed Jake about how 'you can't hold me like that in public, Hoon!' whatever that meant, after said boy had placed the back of his hand on the corner of a table before Jake could bump into it and hurt himself. He just let himself get yelled at! Well, not yelled–
I take it back, we are not alike, I refuse to be grouped together with a simp. Riki huffed to himself as he leaned further into Jungwon’s back, wanting to melt into every crevice of his body and become a part of him.
"Riki, you’re squishing me!" Jungwon yelped as his body almost folded in half from the weight and pressure said boy was putting on him.
"Stop moving." Riki gritted out, wincing as the boy moved again in retaliation and Jungwon’s bones dug into his legs once more. They were numb by this point, pressed into the stiff chair under the older boy’s weight, but he was unwilling to say anything about it, letting the boy huff and go back to his game.
Yeah . Maybe he just wanted to be like Sunghoon when it came to Jungwon. He wanted to be mysterious like him every time he accidentally overshared and Jungwon’s face scrunched up in confusion or disgust (Riki wasn't too sure what it was, but the older boy would usually scoot away ever so slightly and that was enough for him to be upset about it). He wanted to be his support system, the person he depended on unconsciously, the person who was always there for him without making his presence known. The person who could just be his. His person.
He wanted to be everyone’s support system without them even realising it, like Sunghoon. Or maybe he didn't. Maybe he just wanted to be tall like him and strong like him.
Riki kind of wanted to be quiet and kind and (not really) funny like Sunghoon. Charming like Sunghoon, with his awkward laughter and sweet actions and elegant, yet gentle demeanour. He wanted to walk around with the older boy’s perfect posture and amazing proportions, capturing everyone's attention without meaning to wherever he went.
Clearly, Riki wanted a lot of things he knew he couldn't have. He was a jealous, stubborn, only slightly worrying child. He could admit that to himself, he had admitted it to himself a long time ago. Back when he was 5 and had stolen his little sister's birthday present and then proceeded to get upset when asked for it back because 'I wanted it first!' (he’d had no idea what it was at the time. It was a rainbow dress with a frilly, hot pink skirt. He still took it and wore it for a whole 4 months before it ‘disappeared’.)
But that never stopped him before and it definitely won't now.
“Jungwon.” Riki patted the boy’s stomach to get his attention, “You just watch. I’m gonna get so much bigger and stronger than you soon.”
“Mhm, sure.” The boy replies distractedly, still tapping away at his screen.
Riki doesn’t say anything after that, going back to people watching as the time ticks by (he would’ve pulled out his phone too, but it was in his front pocket and he’d rather tell Sunoo he’s beautiful than tell Jungwon to get up). So they sit in comfortable silence for a whole 5 minutes before the set director comes back from wherever he disappeared to and tells them it’s time to film again.
And so they dance and smile and grit their teeth as they pretend they don’t hate the song (except Sunoo who is thoroughly enjoying singing ‘Hey Tayo!’ while everyone else cries internally). And maybe, just maybe, when Jungwon turns to look at him while they practise their cutest smiles and blinks at him extra slowly, eyes shiny and squinting, wrinkling around the corners adorably, Riki finds himself not hating the song. In fact, he quite likes it, especially when it’s released and he watches it on repeat until it makes his brain go numb.
Especially when he decides better and just goes and screen records all the shots with Jungwon in them, saving them to his camera roll and watching them over and over until they're ingrained in his mind and tattooed onto the inside of his eyelids. He watches them like they will answer all his questions about the world and bring him more success than he could ever dream of. He watches them every night he doesn’t sleep in someone else’s bed and every morning when he’s lucky enough to be able to brush his teeth with no one else in the bathroom.
No one had to know though. It was private, something only between him and his god (he’s an atheist). And his sisters, but that’s besides the point. He’d rather die than admit to it, lest he perish at the hands of his one true love, with whom he happened to be devastatingly infatuated. He’d rather tell Sunoo that he actually liked that god-awful Hey Tayo! and let him take his hands and twirl him around in a happy dance than admit that Jungwon’s started to take up more space in his mind than dancing and performing.
Whatever. It’s just a crush, Riki tells himself every night, turning where he lies, taking up most of Sunoo’s bed as said boy sleeps curled up against the wall because ‘get your hands off me Riki, it’s too hot to cuddle’. As he stares at the bed directly opposite Sunoo’s every night, watching Jungwon shuffle around in his sleep.
Watching him smile and frown and squirm, he thinks, I’ll get over it.
After 15 years and 10 months of life, Riki has his first slow dance. It happens a few minutes past midnight, when Riki is lying in bed thinking about Jungwon and said boy appears in the doorway, skipping over to his bed and leaning into his face to beg him to dance with him as everyone else slept.
He’d agreed. Obviously. How could he not?
The dancing is a mess, which is odd, considering they’ve been dubbed as the best dancers in their group and some of the best in their generation. Somehow, neither of them mind the mess too much—Jungwon even goes as far as to joke about how ‘Imagine if the fans saw us like this! What would they think?!’ as he tries to spin the younger and almost falls over his own feet because of his need to tiptoe and Riki’s need to bend his knees to make the whole thing work. They switch roles after that.
It’s clumsy and cute and giggly, and Riki can see himself remembering this moment for the rest of his—very long, he likes to hope—life. Can see himself sitting in a polished, wooden rocking chair at the old, old age of 94, reminiscing the touches and huffs of laughter and spores of pure joy that embed themselves in his heart and lungs and everything else, until he is thoroughly infected and completely gone.
He finds that he doesn’t mind it all that much. Like he doesn’t with most of his problems that arise from Jungwon’s existence and it’s meaning to Riki. he doesn’t mind being so captivated by the shorter boy (speaking of, he is quickly gaining on his goal due to a sudden bout of rapid height growth and he could not be more pleased). He doesn’t mind how he feels warm and ready to collapse at anything mildly cute Jungwon does, he doesn’t mind that the boy doesn’t even have to beg or ask a second time like the rest of them when they want something from Riki.
Although, he does kind of mind when they all brush it off as Jungwon being the leader rather than Riki holding actual, deep affection and care for the boy, and thus being ready to do anything and everything for him, just to see the pleased look on his face when he gets what he wants and feel the way he squeezes Riki’s arm or rubs his leg in gratitude.
An example of this was the moment they were having right now, with Riki spinning Jungwon around and around, leaning him over his arm into a dip and watching his hair fall out of his cute little face and towards the floor as the boy’s eyes glittered and shone under the dim lights. He'd pulled Riki out of bed when he had caught him playing games on his phone with a blanket over his head, rather than sleeping. The classical music was already playing at a low hum when he had been dragged into the kitchen, the part of the house furthest away from the rooms so as to not disturb any of the other members.
Jungwon had looked up at him with excited eyes, practically vibrating with energy when he had asked Riki to dance with him. And who was he to refuse? So, before he knew it, Jungwon was pulling his arms around himself and twirling and god, Riki was so down bad for this man it’s honestly ridiculous that the world hadn’t found out yet.
Riki could just about die for him, but he can also admit that he will never admit to possibly liking him as more than a friend. At least not yet. He knows it of course, it’s hard not to with the way his brain screams the three forbidden words whenever Jungwon so much as glances at him, but he’s not ready to admit it to anyone, not even himself.
A little part of him likes to think it’s not love, for who is he of all people to know what romantic love is? He barely went to school when he was in Japan, too busy dancing and having fun to really build connections and relationships with people who weren’t older than him by a few years and casual users of his family’s dance studio. He only knew what love was through his sisters’ experiences, his parents’ drama collections, and anyone else who ever bothered to talk to a little kid about feelings that were rarely even understood by those who experienced them.
What he feels for Jungwon is nothing like the stories he’s been told or the things he’s seen. It doesn’t make him want to cry at two in the morning, like his sister had when she realised she was in love with her best friend. It doesn’t make him want to avoid him, like his mother had when she had first realised her feelings for his dad (who both of them insist was extremely popular ‘back in his day’ but Riki really doubts it). It wasn’t love at first sight like it was for his neighbour and his high school sweetheart wife who had been married for, like, thirty years (last time he asked, anyway) and still got each other flowers and chocolates and little gifts for Valentines and White Day. This feeling didn’t make his heart beat out of his chest or his skin break into a cold sweat, like the female lead in one of his mother’s favourite dramedies either.
So maybe it's not what he fears it is. Maybe it's just fondness, comfort, softness. Nothing more, nothing less.
This, whatever it was , was warm. Whether he loved him, or simply liked him, the feelings were warm and all-encompassing. They weren’t, aren’t hard to live with, to breathe with. They’re gentle, like the way a mother holds her newborn for the first time and feels like she’s made the right choice.
Riki feels that he’s made the right choice, feeling whatever this is for Jungwon. And he wouldn’t mind doing it for the rest of his life, doesn’t mind doing it like it’s what he was meant to do, what he was made to do, from the very beginning.
"Riki, your hands are so sweaty." Jungwon laughs as he squeezes them, lifting them up and twirling himself in the younger boy’s arms before facing him again with another sweet, sweet giggle.
And when Riki makes a show of breaking his hands away from Jungwon’s and running them over the older’s hair (gently, of course, he knows how much it can hurt when wet hands drag on hair) to rub off the sweat, the boy lets out another squeaky giggle that reminds him of his mother when she had accidentally had too much wine and ended up clinging to his father, going on for almost an hour about just how much she loved him.
“Gross!” The boy squeals, voice high and palms warm as he looped his hands up and around the back of Riki’s neck, swatting it lightly but then proceeding to intertwine his fingers together and let them rest there as they swayed to Dmitri Shostakovick’s Waltz No.2 in the middle of their kitchen with the lights dimmed down.
Riki feels a little like he’s Steve Rogers in the ending scenes of Avengers: Endgame, when he finally gets to dance with Penny and everyone can see that they're both so utterly, devastatingly perfect together. He feels so inexplicably complete with Jungwon in his arms, the boy easily melting closer as Riki keeps tightening his arms around him.
And if he's Steve Rodgers, then Jungwon is Penny. His Penny. With his prettier than pretty face and his strong presence and attitude, with his leadership and Riki’s definitely there, definitely different feelings for him. He just hopes the older boy thinks of keeping him forever, just like Riki does, just like he yearns to. Just like Steve did for Penny, up until their apparently timely demise, together, thanks to Stark Industries and Mr Stark himself. (Maybe he can get Jake to build him a time machine too. And let it take him back to this moment when he's too old to get out of his chair without help. Or just whenever he misses it.)
He dips Jungwon again, watching the boy’s adam’s apple bob as he takes in a sharp breath of air and wheezes before Riki’s pulling him up and back into his arms, even closer than before, just to feel their hearts beat against one another. Haley Reinhart’s soulful rendition of Can’t Help Falling in Love is coming to an end in the background and suddenly what they’re doing is less dancing and more swaying as they hold each other in a warm embrace. Jungwon’s head is in the crook of Riki’s neck and he can feel the puffs of air warming his collarbone where the neckline of his shirt has been stretched from years of overuse, travelling through his skin and bones to slowly and gently form a thick film around his heart which feels less like an organ and more like a hot cup of chocolate held in a pair of warm, steady hands. Maybe Jungwon’s, maybe his mothers.
You remind me of home, Riki wants to tell him at that moment. You bring me peace, he thinks as the boy practically dozes off to Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata on his chest. Partially to share the realisation with him, partially to settle Jungwon’s overthinking mind where he knows the boy drowns himself in guilt every time Riki mentions his home or another member mentions going back to theirs on their day off. He wants to assure the boy that he knows what he signed up for, that he chose to be here, that he's okay with missing home every-so-often. That he's okay as long as Jungwon is here with him, that he will be okay wherever he is, as long as he's with him.
He wants to say a lot, wants to do a lot. But as much as he is spontaneous and rash, he isn't all that brave. At least not with this. So in the end all he does is wrap his arms tighter around Jungwon and rock them side to side until he mumbles a soft, slurred 'let's go to sleep now, Riki' and lets said boy pick him up by the backs of his thighs, wrapping his arms loosely around the Japanese boy’s shoulders as he silently goes around turning off the lights and music before heading to their room.
That night, Riki sleeps in Jungwon’s bed. His feet touch the end and his head rests against the headboard slightly if he lies down straight, but if he curls around Jungwon like the boy allows him to, they can fit. Maybe he prefers this to taking over Sunoo’s bed. No, he definitely prefers it, having Jungwon soft and pliant, like a small kitten, in his arms. He thinks he just might prefer it over anything else (except maybe kissing him and dating him and marrying him and spending the rest of his life with him—but that’s not the point right now).
And as Jungwon’s eyes become hazy and his eyelids start to droop, Riki pulls him in closer and slips into his mother tongue, whispering sweet nothings to the boy he not-yet-but-maybe-almost loves like it’s what he was born to do. The boy only hums in return, and Riki knows it’s selfish and cowardly but he’s only 15 and some.
He tells him he’s beautiful and the boy giggles at him, flushing a little. He tells him he loves him—Jungwon snuggles further into his chest at that, rubbing his cute little nose into his steadily beating heart and letting out a pleased sigh as he settles further into the deep crevices Riki didn’t even know he'd had in his heart until he met this boy.
He doesn’t tell him he’s in love with him, but he does promise to give him any of his treats if he ever asks, does promise to listen to him and care for him and make him feel as loved as he deserves to be—although it only leaves his mouth after he’s heard the boy let out a puff of breath and a little snore that ensures he’s asleep.
And if he leans down till his chin is pressed to his Adam's apple and he can't breathe, just to kiss the top of the boy’s head, that's between him and his sickeningly in-love conscience.