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The next morning, when Sunoo asks him why he didn't sleep with him like he always does, Riki panics and tells him that it’s because he smells bad. So it's inevitable that he ends up getting punched, hard, while Jungwon laughs from somewhere behind them.
And then everyone moves on. Just like that.
It’s fine. They should move on easily, right? Why wouldn't they? It’s not like they kissed, and Riki definitely didn’t confess his almost-maybe-feelings. And when Jungwon had woken up wrapped in the his arms he'd only smiled and patted Riki's head before offering to make his breakfast in return for the boy waking everyone else up.
It’s normal. It wasn’t meant to be anything monumentous, and yet Riki still feels his heart crash through his chest cavity and down into his stomach at the sight of no change in the other boy's behaviour towards him. He still feels warm and utterly captivated just being in the boy’s presence while said boy continues to treat him just as he treats everyone else.
Luckily, he doesn’t get a lot of time to ponder over this fact and dissect himself and the elder boy because he blinks and somehow they’re back in the dance studio, practising until Jake lets out the loudest groan known to man, storming over to the speakers and turning off the music in a flurry.
"Guys! I'm literally graduating today!" He fakes a sob, dropping to his knees suddenly and dramatically, making Sunghoon instantly flinch forward to see if he's okay, "I could be fucking waltzing but I'm here doing this!"
Heeseung frowns, pity in his eyes as he moves forward to pat the boy’s shoulder comfortingly, "I know what you mean, but it can't be helped, Jake."
"I know," Jake groans again, "But… can't we do something else? I mean, Hoon and Jay are graduating today too, technically…"
“Not really, but what do you wanna do, Jakey?” Sunghoon gently coaxes the boy, tilting his head slightly with a slow smile blooming across his face.
"Let's dance! Waltz, slow dance, y'know what I mean? Like people do at formals or proms or whatever- I don’t know! Let's just do it!" The boy chirps, already unlocking his phone and scrolling through to find suitable music.
Riki turned his head to slowly side-eye Jungwon, only to find him already looking at him. Jungwon squinted and pursed his lips as he stared back at him, before turning to everyone else and shooting his hand up into the air like a student waiting for the teacher to let them answer a question.
"I'm not dancing with Riki!" He yells, waving his arm around until everyone’s spared him a glance, snorting at his behaviour.
"What?!" The younger yells back, indignant and fully turning to look at the boy with widened eyes, "Why not?!"
Jungwon doesn't bother replying, instead sticking his tongue out at him and moving to latch onto Jay’s arm instead.
That's not what you said last night when you let me hold you while everyone else slept. When you only came to me to ask for a dance, Riki wants to huff but he keeps his mouth shut. He fears that speaking of it in front of other people may cause it to become a little less special, a little less his, a little less theirs. And also because he fears the boy may admit to having asked others before him—or worse, he may tell him he was actually his last resort. So he doesn’t dare to voice his defence.
Instead, he swiftly turns and latches onto the person standing closest to him (Sunoo) before turning to Jungwon and letting out an exaggerated scoff, looking him up and down until the boy breaks character and lets out a giggle. Little victories.
Before he knows it, Heeseung’s sitting in the corner tapping away at his phone as he plays some game and Debussy’s Clair de Lune is blasting through the speakers as Riki spins Sunoo around and around dramatically and Sunghoon holds Jake close to his chest as they sway in another corner of the room, totally in their own world.
If someone were to ask Riki, he'd say he has no idea what they're on about. But if one of the other members asked him, he'd probably tell them he thinks they’re in love. He’s still not really sure what that means exactly, but whatever it is they seem to have caught a severe case of it.
As Sunoo taps his arm and tells him to stop with the spinning, Riki pulls him into a similar sway to the other pair and watches them.
He watches as Sunghoon seems to be humming to the music, his Adam's apple bobbing every-so-often. He watches as Jake seems to be talking to him about something, whispering softly with his head resting in the juncture between the taller’s neck and shoulder. For someone who wanted to waltz so badly, he sure doesn’t seem to be trying to do a lot of it, or any at all really. It reminds him of the night before, when he himself had been swaying Jungwon gently in his arms—less like dancing and more like they were trapped in a trance of comfort and bliss, like getting back under the covers in your own bed after having stayed someplace foreign.
Wait. Ni-ki snapped his head to Sunoo, making the bored boy instantly perk up and look back at him, “Do you think Jake and Sunghoon are dating? Or do you think they’re just in love?” He asked curiously, only feeling a little bad for maybe, possibly exposing the couple. But Sunoo’s always been known for being perceptive, so really, he probably already knew. That’s also why he’s asking him now.
“What?!” Sunoo snorts, taking only a minute glance at the topic of discussion before turning back and rolling his eyes, “Ni-ki, they’re just friends! What the hell are you saying?”
Ni-ki frowns, turning to look at the couple again, just in time to see Jake’s eyes sparkle as Sunghoon leans down, their lips almost meeting before they seem to remember where they are again, snapping apart and turning to look around—probably to check if anyone saw—and Riki whips his head back to Sunoo who seems blissfully unaware in his arms. No one else seems to have noticed either as the couple goes back to their previous stance, tightly wrapped around each other as they begin to sway once more.
What the- He takes back what he said about Sunoo being perceptive. He was wrong and now he understands how no one else has caught onto his feelings for Jungwon either. Oh my god. They’re all fucking stupid.
Well, can’t really expect more from a bunch of men I guess, Riki shakes his head in disappointment, choosing to look at something else as he waits for Jake to finally be over his ‘formal fever’ as Riki has now dubbed it.
His gaze catches on how Jay dramatically dips Jungwon instead, and he can’t help the twisting he feels in his gut as the boy giggles, just like he had last night, with him. He frowns as they spin around and actually dance, laughing between themselves as the younger tries to kick Jay, only to be picked up by said boy and twirled around.
Following Jay’s lead, Riki hooks his arms under Sunoo’s and tries to pick him up too. Except he may have overestimated his strength. Quite embarrassing really, as he pulls and pulls but the older boy barely lifts onto his tiptoes, letting out a snort at the younger’s struggles.
Sunghoon lets out a laugh too from the corner Riki had last seen him in, watching him struggle for a bit before gently letting go of Jake and moving to pick up Sunoo without issue, right in front of Riki, just to rub salt in his wounds.
The Japanese scowls, this is what I get for keeping your secret.
"Hmm, seems like you've gotta start hitting the gym, baby Riki!" Jake pats his shoulder sympathetically as they both watch Sunghoon spin a laughing Sunoo around and around.
"Yeah!" Jay chirps, suddenly appearing on his other side, almost mocking him with the way he’s got his arms around Jungwon’s waist, still holding the boy just off the ground, casually. Riki scowls harder, imagining himself turning into the hulk and picking Jay up to throw him across the room dramatically. Whether it’s because he’s got his grubby little hands on Riki’s most precious, or because of his jab, he has yet to decide.
Of course, said boy doesn’t know that as he wiggles his eyebrows at him, "Maybe that'll impress him… Y'know being all strong and manly and stuff."
Riki looks down at Jungwon again, watching as he struggles around in Jay’s grip jokingly. Isn't he, like, a blackbelt in taekwondo or something? Wait. What does Jay mean by- whatever.
He scoffs, turning his nose up and head away, “Whatever, I can literally get the same results from dancing.”
“Doesn’t look like it.” Sunoo snickers from somewhere in the background but Riki ignores him.
"Nope, this is all thanks to the gym! Sure, abs are great to look at but arms are where it’s at, baby!" Jay chirps happily as he finally sets Jungwon back onto the ground, ignoring the way the boy rolls his eyes at him and trudges away to sit with their oldest.
The gym, huh… Riki ponders to himself, chancing a glance at Jungwon only to find him laughing with Heeseung about something. Heeseung who’s sitting in the corner in a tank top with his arms crossed, showing off some tensed muscle along his biceps and forearms. He sees Jungwon take a barely-there glance at said arms and boom.
Just like that, almost 16 and surrounded by barely-adult men, Ni-ki wants to be manly. He wants to be able to carry people, he wants to be strong. He wants arms like Sunghoon, shoulders like Sunoo and Jungwon and the self-assurance of Park Jongseong.
"Okay, maybe I'll come with you. Next time you guys go."
And then he actually does. Tagging along with the 'Gym Rat Trio' (lovingly named by Jungwon, Heeseung and Sunoo who all refuse to even go near the HYBE gym, often taking long detours just to avoid the hoards of sweaty, overenthusiastic men) whenever they hit the gym, which is, apparently, every. Single. Day. Jesus Christ, man.
At the beginning of Riki’s 16th year of existence, his world tilts on its axis (and it’s not because he has suddenly taken to laying upside down on their couches). With the unconscious aid of everyone in his life, Riki is ready to smile for cameras, punch a wall, kick someone, dig his own grave and cry. Oh, and kiss the possible love of his life. Not in that order. Probably. Hopefully.
The beginning of the crisis, the impending destruction of Riki’s being, comes in the form of a chirpy Sim Jaeyun and a deceptively simple question that neither of them realise goes unanswered. Well actually, it’s less about the question and more so about the conversation that ensues after it's been asked, and how that leads to the demise and rebirth of Nishimura Riki’s poor, weak, loved-up soul.
It happens on a humid Tuesday afternoon (at least Riki thinks it’s a Tuesday), as the boy lies on his back on a couch that is a little too small for his rapidly growing frame. He's in nothing but shorts in an attempt to accommodate the sweat that seems to seep through every pore in his body, leaving him sticky and glistening under the sunlight. He’s not really sure why they haven’t turned on the air conditioning but he’s not bothered enough to actually get up and turn it on himself.
It’s a quiet day, the apartment silent enough for him to be able to hear the cars outside if he tried. But of course, the quiet doesn't last long as he feels someone approach him, stopping in front of his head and leaning down slightly until the light that is seeping through Riki’s eyelids dims. He peels his eyes open to find Jake peering at him and they both just stare at each other for what feels like way too long.
“Ni-ki,” The older boy starts gently, “Do you have a crush on Sunoo?”
Now that has the boy shooting up and Jake instantly flinches back to prevent their heads from colliding. Riki twists his body around to stare at the older boy, flabbergasted, “What the hell?”
Jake broke into a wheezing laugh instantly, straightening up and slapping the younger’s shoulder, “Chill man, I’m just messing with you. I kinda already knew the answer, just wanted to check.”
Riki groaned, rolling his eyes before falling back into his previous position and sighing, “Well if you already knew then why the fuck would you ask? It's pretty fucking obvious that I don—”
“Hey!” Jake gasped, letting a faux frown grace his features, “That’s not how you talk to someone older than you.”
“We're basically the same age, dude.”
“I’m 3 whole years older than you. And I’m not your dude, dude!”
“Then why are you calling me dude, dude ?” Riki squinted up at the boy, trying to look at him through the sunlight that stabbed beaming right into his irises now that Jake was no longer blocking the Sun for him.
Jake pursed his lips, exaggeratedly rolling his eyes before shuffling closer to Riki and effectively blocking the sunlight for him again, “I call everyone dude!”
Riki hummed, over the conversation now and wanting to go back to sleep, or well , back to trying to sleep, not that it was working. “You don’t even like me calling you ‘hyung’. You said it made you feel old.”
“Yeah, okay, true,” Jake replied simply, waiting for Riki to close his eyes before moving away and letting the sunlight seep back into the younger’s eyelids, “I’m gonna go get something to eat.”
“Can you at least turn the A/C on, on your way out? Please.”
Jake turned back to grin at him, making a show of turning to walk the other way, back to his room, “Hashtag save the environment, kid.”
Ni-ki groans.
And the interation hadn’t seemed like much at the time, but before he knew it he was lying awake at 3am, thinking about it. He wasn’t really sure what he was thinking about either. It was a lot. The usual thoughts of Jungwon that plagued his mind each night, sending him into a deep peaceful slumber, now had him lying awake and rethinking all his thoughts about, ideas of, actions towards and interactions with Jungwon. All. Of. Them.
Did he touch him too much in that practice a year and 5 months ago? Did he ever actually reply to any of Jungwon’s 'I love you's as they lay side by side on the practice room floor, or wrapped in Riki's blankets after recording or filming late into the night, until their mouths and limbs have gone numb from talking and dancing?
Overthinking wasn’t really Riki’s thing. Everyone around him who knew him, knew it, knew that he barely thought about much other than dancing, fame, the stage and those close to him.
Not a single academic thought in that head, his mother would always tsk, shaking her head but hiding a smile as she turned back to whatever she was stirring in that big pot of hers.
Now though, everything was different, because he was overthinking and he knew how to acknowledge it but he didn't know how to fix it. His previously peaceful nights now turned grating and long, and it was definitely taking a toll on his sleep schedule and in turn the rest of his days too. He was staying up late and waking up early and it was making him more sluggish than he had been when he’d had to wake up early every morning to go to school.
It was making him spend longer hours practising and less time eating or with his members relaxing because he was now too busy trying to figure out how to relax.
God. This stress is so unbecoming. Riki frowned up at the ceiling, squinting at the harsh lights but refusing to actually close his eyes. This is so not my aesthetic.
“Riki,” A head popped into his line of sight and he couldn’t really make out their face as he kept squinting but the soft hand pressing against his shoulder and the voice told him it was Sunoo, “Are you sure you’re okay?”
“Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?” A lot of reasons, actually. But he wasn’t ready to tell even his best friend that. Yet. Maybe. He’ll think about it.
Another head pops into his line of sight, this time blocking out the harsh lights directly overhead, allowing Riki to let out a sigh as he blinked rapidly, opening his eyes properly this time and- Oh god, it’s Jungwon.
He’s not sure whether he wants to kiss him, or run away. He does neither, only staring up at his frowning face in a daze. Oh my god, he’s gorgeous even when he’s upset. The lights make it look like he has a halo. Shut up Riki. Shut up me? Wha-
“Riki, you’re going to ruin your eyesight if you keep staring into the lights and squinting like that.”
Riki squints at him in return and Jungwon frowns harder, huffing and then reaching down to pull him up by the arm. And oh wow, he’s strong too. Damn.
Riki wants to slap himself in the face as Jungwon sticks his tongue out at him, making a funny face that only makes him look cuter in the Japanese boy’s eyes.
Oh god. Just date me alr-
When Riki first joined the GymRatz on their daily workouts, he had expected it to be like a chore. And to be honest, it had been the first couple of times, but before he knew it he was beginning to look forward to it as a way to burn off his excess energy.
These days though, he used it to help with his overthinking. He’d like to call it chronic by this point but to be honest, no one’s as bad as Jake and he doesn’t want to take that title away from the man.
“Ni-ki!” He heard a happy yell from the front of the gym and footsteps rushing towards him. “You’re here! Are you gonna join me today?”
Ah yes, this was another perk of going to the gym. As he worked to make himself stronger and more flexible – better for his dancing and height – he had made a few ‘gym buddies’ along with the GymRatz who would often willingly help him learn his way around all the machines and give him tips for better posture and results.
At first he thought he would hate it, having random people come up to him and tell him how to be better, but as it turned out he actually appreciated the free pointers given to him. Maybe it was the friendly personalities or the really, really nice bodies like wow, but he found it to be a bonding experience. Everyone was sweet.
And one such sweet person was Kang Taehyun, who also visited the gym almost every day, often with another member tagging along but occasionally just by himself. He was also the one who had called out to him just then, stopping a few paces in front of him as Riki stopped pedalling on the bike, pulling his earbuds out and giving the elder his best smile.
“Taehyun!”
“S'it just you today?” The boy quirked his head, turning to have a quick glance around before settling his sights back on the Japanese.
Riki let out a short laugh, nodding, “Yeah, Sunghoon and Jake decided to sleep in and Jay’s doing this video game tournament thing with Heeseung.”
“Oh! Beomgyu’s also joining that tournament!” And then he’s grabbing the younger’s arm and pulling him towards the weights room, and it’s only then that Riki sees Soobin behind them, following them into the room silently and settling himself at one of the small tables around the border of the room. He seems to be way too engrossed in whatever he’s watching, or playing, on his phone so Riki doesn’t worry too much about greeting him with more than just a mutual nod of acknowledgement at one another.
“Honestly, I bet Kai ten bucks that Gyu wouldn’t win, so I’m praying Jay and Heeseung beat him or whatever.”
Riki laughs, continuing the conversation as they lift weights side-by-side, pausing every now and then to catch their breaths, or because they’re not able to speak under the pressure of the weights gripped tightly in their hands.
By the end of it they’re both red in the face and glistening with sweat, hair matted to their heads and arms only slightly aching as they chug down water and rub their flushed skin down with their towels, and the equipment with sanitary wipes.
After they’re done with that, Riki picks up his phone to text the members that he’ll be back in a few minutes—and jokingly tell Jay that he’s expecting food on the table by the time he’s there, before switching off his phone and keeping it on mute, smiling at the sight of curse after curse appearing in his lock screen notifications.
“Soobin! Check out my arms! Whaddya think, huh?” Taehyun excitedly trots over to the boy where he’s been sitting for the last hour, unperturbed by their yells and heavy breathing throughout the workout, fully engrossed in whatever he was watching on his phone.
Riki watched silently as the elder’s attention instantly moved from the screen to the approaching boy. He pulled out his earbuds and turned off his phone, turning around with a sweet smile to show the boy that he had his full attention as he repeated his words, pulling up his sleeve to flex his arm exaggeratedly in the man's face.
He watched as Soobin’s smile stretched broader and his big hands reached out to gently hold Taehyun’s fingers, bringing them up as his smile grew. He watches as, almost in slow motion, the leader’s lips met the back of one of the younger’s hands, and how they then proceed to trail a path of gentle kisses to his wrist, up his arm to the inside of his elbow and then around the outside of his tricep until they stop on the top of his deltoid.
He does the same with Taehyun’s other arm and Riki feels like he’s intruding on something extremely personal as Soobin practically worships the younger’s efforts and passion. It’s impossible to miss the love in his eyes as he mutters a soft, “Good job, Hyun. I’m proud of you.” Before getting up and grabbing the boy’s bag for him as said boy casually turns around and walks back to Riki with a smile.
“What. The fuck.” He can’t help it, he has to say something, “What the hell?! Are you guys dating?!”
Okay, that came out a lot more accusatory than I meant for it to. “Sorry, I didn-”
Taehyun snorts, batting off his apologies with an easy laugh, “Don’t worry, I know what you meant and yeah, we are.” He pauses and then laughs again, “Why would he do that if we were friends?”
The Japanese flushes, looking down at his sneaker clad feet, as the shorter boy pats his back, ushering him out of the room and waving him off as he tries to apologise again, heading over to Soobin as they leave for their dorm and Riki for his own.
The occurrence, and the easiness with which Taehyun had spilt such a valuable and detrimental secret to him, weirdly enough, helps him keep his head out of the murky waters of his own thoughts for a while. And if he spends the rest of the night, and the next few nights, imagining himself being the Soobin to Jungwon’s Taehyun, that’s his own business. And if he stares at Jungwon’s pretty hands and prettier face even more than usual these nights, that’s also his business alone.
And if Jungwon catches him staring every-so-often and shoots him a curious glance or two when he does? Well, shit.