Work Text:
“Hey.”
Stan looked in his peripheral to see Kyle standing over him, his red curls hanging in his eyes.
“Hi.”
“What are you doing?”
“Thinking.”
“In a field? At night?”
“Practice got canceled.” Stan’s eyes wandered from Kyle’s back to the stars he was looking at. “But I didn’t wanna go home.”
“Ah.”
“Why are you out here?”
“I was working on that extra credit essay in the computer lab and saw you on my way out. Didn’t know if you were hurt or something.”
“Oh.” Stan sighed. “I should probably do that essay, too.”
“Can I lay with you?”
“... sure.”
Kyle settled down in the grass to lie in the opposite direction of Stan. Their heads were inches apart. They both stared up at the starry sky.
“What’s on your mind?”
“Hm?”
“What are you thinking about?”
“Oh. Nothing. I mean, nothing important.”
“I want to hear.”
“Really?”
“Mhm. Your thoughts are important to me.”
“It’s all cynical, you know.”
“I would be worried if it wasn’t, coming from you.”
“I was just… thinking about how small we are.”
“I’m not small.”
“No, no, not like height or weight. ‘Cause Cartman’s not small in that regard either.”
Kyle snickered.
“But, like… watching the sun set and the stars come out, and thinking about how there are eight billion people on the planet, I just feel very… small.”
“Insignificant?”
“No, I don’t think so. I think I still have an impact on the world, even if it’s just my carbon footprint or some dumb shit like that.”
“Oh. I had never thought about that.”
“But it makes the grades and practice seem unimportant. I’m never gonna be a star football player. I don’t care that much.”
“You could if you wanted.”
“And did three pounds of steroids for breakfast.”
“Cocaine, maybe.”
“I could pull it off if I was on cocaine,” Stan agreed. “But the point I was getting at is that… what I choose to do isn’t significant. The extra studying and the honors English classes and the football, that’s not what people would remember me for.”
“What do you want to be remembered for?”
“I don’t think I want to be remembered.”
“Really?”
“I think I’d be okay with living an insignificant, unimpactful life.”
“I don’t think unimpactful is a word.”
“You asked what I was thinking about,” Stan sighed.
Kyle chuckled. “Sorry, sorry.”
“... but yeah, I guess… It just took me a while to get to the conclusion that I should be content with living for myself and not others. If I cared about having an impact on the world, then living for myself would be about making sure I left an impact. But I don’t care about that. I just want to live my life. So I should find something else that makes me feel fulfilled.”
“I think having an impact on the world would make anyone feel fulfilled.”
“But playing video games also makes me feel fulfilled.”
“Hm.”
“And other things?”
“What?”
“I’ve been thinking about other things. I’ve been out here a while.”
“I can tell. Your nose is red.”
“It is?” Stan reached up to touch his nose lightly.
“You might get a cold.”
“Nah. My immune system is like iron.”
Kyle stared at the sky, hands clasped on his chest. “I don’t think I know how to live for myself.”
“You don’t?”
“All of the work I do is to make my mom and dad happy.”
“What about your hobbies? Are those not for you?”
“I don’t know… when I step back and think about it, I question whether I actually enjoy it.”
“Oh. We don’t have to play video games anymore, if you don’t wanna.”
“No,” Kyle blurted. “N-no, not… I-I don’t know.”
“You can think about it. We don’t have to talk while you think.”
They lay in silence for a while. Kyle could hear Stan’s breathing, so he knew Stan was going to speak when he took a deeper breath.
“Have you ever tried to make your own constellations?”
Kyle snorted. “No?”
“Don’t laugh! It’s kind of fun.”
“I’ve never been good at spotting constellations.”
“It’s hard to do with the naked eye.”
“You’ve been spending a lot of time with Craig, haven’t you.”
“No. I’ve just been staring at the sky for a while. You start to see shapes in your vision after long enough.”
“Floaters?”
“Is that what they’re called?”
“I think so.”
“That makes it sound like I have little amoebas in my eyes.”
“Maybe you do.”
“God, I hope not.”
“Stan.”
“Hm?”
“Why are you out here, really.”
“I told you. Practice got canceled, and I’m thinking.”
“That’s it?”
“Should there be more?”
“I don’t know. You never seemed like the kind of guy to consciously choose to stay on campus after your obligations ended. Even if it’s just to lay in a field and stare at the sky.”
“Oh.”
“So I just assumed you had ulterior motives.” Kyle hesitated. “Waiting for me or something.”
“... is that what you want me to say?”
Kyle felt blood rush to his cheeks. “Well, I… I don’t want you to say it just to make me happy. Don’t lie to me.”
“No, I wasn’t waiting for you,” Stan said honestly. “I didn’t know you were still here. I just… thought laying in a field thinking would be easier than going home. It’s nice outside. The air is fresh. No one’s here to bother me.”
“Am I bothering you?”
“No. You’d never bother me.” Stan turned his head to look at Kyle. “I like having you around.”
Kyle’s cheeks were red. He made eye contact with Stan. “Really?”
“Yeah. I never feel like there’s someone else with me when you’re around. It’s more like… I’m whole. I’m not missing my other half anymore.”
Kyle’s face grew redder. He snorted and broke eye contact. “That’s so cheesy.”
“I’m serious, Kyle.”
“You probably said the same thing to Wendy when you two were together last year.”
“... where did that come from?”
“It’s just… a thought. I always thought that significant others were supposed to be your other half.”
“I guess… I guess that’s why Wendy and I didn’t work out, then. She never felt like my other half.”
“And I do?”
“You always have.”
Kyle turned his head again. Stan had never stopped staring at him.
“Can I be honest?” Stan murmured.
“Always.”
Stan glanced away. “Sometimes when I’m feeling real bad and I think the world would be better off without me, knowing that you’d be sad snaps me out of it.”
“... what about your parents? Shelley? Kenny and Eric?”
“It’s not the same. It’s not you .”
Kyle frowned. “The idea that you’re living for me sounds really… bad. Codependent.”
“Does that bother you?”
“... It worries me a little.”
“I have other reasons to stay alive. Just… when I’m spiraling, you’re the first person I think of that makes me feel better.”
“If I didn’t know any better, I’d say this is your attempt at saying you like me.”
“I’m not.”
Kyle’s heart fell.
“I’m saying I love you.”
“ Oh .”
“You mean the world to me. You’re everything to me. It’s always felt like us against the world, but I never said anything because we’ve been friends for forever.”
“Stan.”
“I get lost in your eyes and the way you look when you’re focused.” Stan reached up to poke at Kyle’s forehead. “Your brow furrows.”
“Why are you staring at my face enough to notice?”
“Because I think you’re beautiful.” Stan moved his hand to cup Kyle’s cheek lightly. “I think about that a lot. How beautiful you are.”
Kyle made a quiet noise in the back of his throat. His tongue wouldn’t form words.
“I’ve thought a lot about how I would tell you, too. You’re so smart and you’re taking all of these advanced literature classes, so I wasn’t sure how to tell you in a way that didn’t sound dumb.”
“You always sound dumb.”
“I don’t know why you have to make fun of me while I’m telling you that I like you!”
“You love me.”
“I do. I love you. I have for a while.”
“You sure? You’re not just saying that?”
“I’m not just saying that.”
Kyle stared into Stan’s eyes for a long time. Stan stared back.
“Did I just ruin everything?” Stan asked.
“No.” Kyle laughed softly.”No, Stan, you didn’t ruin anything. You’ve just had ages to think about how you were going to tell me. I haven’t had any time to think about how I’d respond.”
“But I didn’t ruin anything?”
“No.” Kyle brushed his fingers lightly across Stan’s cheeks, wanting to wipe away the worried look on his face. “Stan, I love you.”
“You do?”
“You put it best, I think. You’re my other half and what I’d want out of a partner. I don’t feel out of place when I’m with you. It feels right when we’re together.”
“It does,” Stan agreed.
“I haven’t dated like you have, so I didn’t… I never knew what it felt like. To love, I mean. I didn’t know what I was looking for.”
“I don’t think you should have to look for it. It should just.. Happen.”
“Love?”
“Mhm.”
Kyle rubbed his thumb gently over Stan’s cheek. “I love you.”
“I love you, too.” Stan moved and kissed Kyle’s nose softly.
“That’s not enough,” Kyle insisted.
“I have spent hours warming my spot in the grass,” Stan lamented. “If you want a real kiss, you’ll have to come get it.”
Kyle got on his hands and knees and crawled over so he could lay on top of Stan. He placed both hands on Stan’s cheeks and pressed his lips to Stan’s. More practiced and craving the contact, Stan hooked his arms around Kyle and kissed him back, firmly holding Kyle to his chest. Kyle felt a lot more clumsy next to him, but his hands easily moved to hold what felt right, and Stan must’ve liked it because he continued peppering Kyle’s lips and face with kisses.
“You’re so cheesy,” Kyle said between giggles, his face warm.
“You’re so beautiful,” Stan murmured, staring at Kyle’s face until the redhead felt he had to hide it in Stan’s neck. Stan ran his hand along Kyle’s back. “You're so beautiful, and I love you so, so much.”
“I love you too, Stan,” Kyle murmured into his neck, his whole body feeling warm and fuzzy.