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She didn’t do it on purpose.
Lorelai was only in the apartment in the first place because Luke had misplaced his ledger (again!) and with the diner so busy and her tending to be a little better at finding lost items than her man, she was the one searching.
On her ledger-hunting journey, she found a lot of other things. An odd sock, a pen, a random unmarked CD, an empty paper bag. For a tidy guy, Luke had a lot of things just hanging around in the old place. Of course, Lorelai found most of this stuff in the far end, what was essentially April’s room, formerly Jess’ room, when the place was originally enlarged. Not that she expected to find much evidence of the nephew’s stay after so many years. That was where Lorelai came to be surprised.
Maybe she wouldn’t even have read those pages if she hadn’t seen her own name so prominently on the first one. Maybe she would have. Quite honestly, she wasn’t sure. She had been shifting the bed a little to check underneath and around it, unsure why the ledger would even be on that side of the room, but she had tried everywhere else.
The pieces of paper seemed to slip down from under the mattress near the headboard or something, she wasn’t entirely sure, but they landed face-up where she could see them and curiosity got the best of her.
A few pages that had to have been in a notebook once but had since come loose. She assumed it was April’s writing she was looking at, but somehow, it just wasn’t girly enough for that. Her eyes got wider when she realised what she had actually stumbled upon. She sank down to sit on the floor and read.
... and it’s not like I expected to get a warm and fuzzy greeting. That’s not how life works, not in the real world. I guess it’s just the way Luke talked about her. Like she was some heroine role model or something. The only woman in the world to overcome problems. Obviously not.
Maybe I just expected a little more understanding from another person with a ridiculously awful parenting experience. I get that the situations were different - like night and day different - but Luke talked about Lorelai as if the folks back home made her life a living hell until she just couldn’t take it anymore. Not like I don’t know how that goes.
Of all the people around here, and there are some real whack jobs in this town, as far as I can tell, I thought maybe she was my best shot at somebody who actually got what I was going through. Luke made it sound that way. Guess he doesn’t know his friend as well as he thinks he does.
That’s assuming they are just friends. She got real defensive when I suggested they were sleeping together. That usually means something’s going on. Either way, Lorelai Gilmore has absolutely no sympathy for my situation. Not that I need it but, after all the build-up, I figured she would at least try to understand.
Sure, I get it, her rich parents wanted her to be something she wasn’t. That has to suck, but at least she had two parents, plus the whole money and privilege thing to ease the pain. I guess it didn’t help too much, since she was willing to leave it all behind at sixteen with a kid and everything. At least she had a choice.
Liz shipping me here wasn’t exactly surprising. She said she tried everything else. Like she ever tried anything to help me out. I swear if she ever did, I’d die of shock. It’s not that it’s bad here. Luke seems okay, like he wants to try at least, but as for the sainted Lorelai? I don’t think I get it. She sure as hell didn’t get me.
That’s not to say the trip over to her house was a total bust. She has a daughter...
The few select pages ran out right there, before Jess could wax lyrical on his teenage feelings for Rory. Lorelai was glad to miss out on that part since she doubted it was anything a mother should read. Still, what she had seen so far really had her rattled.
Of course, she remembered her first meeting with Jess. His Breakfast Club audition had been exemplary, after all. Apparently, when she thought her words were bouncing off his protective shell and striking her back instead, they were actually cutting pretty deep. Jess came off like a hard case back then, but underneath, there was a kid who was just looking for a friend.
Lorelai felt a little queasy. Wasn’t that just exactly what Rory used to say about Jess? What Luke still said sometimes? That underneath all the rebellion and pranks and snark was actually a really nice guy trying to get out? It was the gist if not the exact words those two used, both back then and now. Lorelai never saw it.
Jess was the little punk who didn’t seem to want her help, who threw Luke’s generosity back in his face, who ultimately broke Rory’s heart. Some of that was still true, of course, but maybe in that first meeting, Jess hadn’t been the entire problem. Maybe in all those instances, it wasn’t all on him every time.
Turning back to the beginning, Lorelai read the diary pages over again. Luke had really built her up to Jess and, apparently, she had been a shocking disappointment. She tried to recall exactly what she had said to him that day. She offered him food, she stopped him from drinking the beer from her fridge. Beyond that, she struggled to remember. She was pretty sure she said he was lucky to have Luke, which he was, but she supposed she really hadn’t considered that maybe Jess just didn’t want to be pushed from mother to uncle and back again without anyone even asking if he minded at all. Wasn’t Lorelai a little bit ‘teenage rampage’ herself back in the day? Tough to handle and handled badly when anyone tried?
“Woah,” she said to herself, realising one or two connections between herself and Luke’s former-tearaway nephew that she never dared consider before.
“Hey, what are you still doing up here?” asked Luke as he appeared in the doorway.
Lorelai had to blink hard twice to bring herself back to reality, she was just so lost in the past. Luke was staring at her like she was a crazy person and she wasn’t sure she could blame him.
“Uh, I can’t find the ledger,” she told him, shaking her head and levering herself up from the floor.
“I know, I found it in the stock room already,” said Luke, rolling his eyes. “What do you have there?”
“Oh, nothing, just trash,” Lorelai said, shoving the pages she had been reading into her back pocket. “So, if you have your ledger then I should go. Inn stuff to do, plus things at the house. Busy, busy.”
She gave him a quick kiss and flew out of the door before he had a chance to question her further. Maybe later she would explain what she had found and what she felt she needed to do about it, but for now, she was a woman on a mission. She needed paper and a pen and a long sit in an empty, silent room where she could get her letter writing on. Lorelai Gilmore had an apology to give.
“Mail call!” said Matthew, dumping a few envelopes on the corner of Jess’ desk.
He barely looked away from his computer and muttered an almost inaudible ‘thanks’ as he finished up his editing task. Five minutes later, when he was done, he reached for the pile of letters, flipping through to see if there was anything urgent or interesting-looking to attend to.
Only one envelope caught his attention. Handwriting he thought he knew, but then doubted it. Tearing it open, he was fifty-fifty on whether he really believed it was a letter from Rory. On turning over the paper inside to see the signature at the bottom, he was amazed to see the true sender’s name.
“Huh,” he said, settling down with a frown on his face to read the very unexpected letter from the beginning.
Dear Jess,
Wow, even writing that on a page feels weird, but there you go, I did it. It’s a day for firsts, I guess. A big day for surprises too. Although I’m pretty sure the biggest shock you’re going to get today is opening up this letter and realising it’s from me, here’s another that’ll probably rank a real close second. Today, I read your diary.
You’re sitting there thinking, ‘What the hell? Is Lorelai on crack?’ aren’t you? Well, no, she’s not. I’m stone cold sober, though let me tell you, it’s tempting to open up a bottle of wine right now. It might help this very strange process along, but at the same time, maybe it won’t. I want to get this right, because it is important.
Jess Mariano, I am sorry.
So, now you’re probably wondering what exactly I’m talking about. First, I say I read your diary and then I apologise, but no, I’m not actually saying I’m sorry for reading it. Actually, maybe I should, but that’s not the real point of this letter. I was helping your uncle look for his ledger in the diner apartment when these pieces of paper fell out of somewhere, over on the side of the place that used to be yours. I had no idea what they were, started to read, and it was beyond crazy to realise it was your thoughts I was reading. How were those pages still there after all this time? God knows. I guess Luke really doesn’t clean as much as he should and I will be talking to him about that, but that’s beside the point right now.
Those pages were from the first day we met, Jess. That night when Luke brought you over for dinner and you and I ended up on the porch not getting along so well. When I first read all your thoughts about me, I was not so happy, but then, I started thinking about that conversation. Of course, I don’t remember it all word-for-word. Maybe you do, I don’t know, but it’s been a while, so I doubt it somehow. Anyway, what I do recall is that you were pissed, and then, I got pissed, and I’m starting to think maybe it wasn’t actually all your fault.
You know it will probably freak you out to read this part, but you and I have a lot more in common that you would think. Yes, I didn’t want to see it either, not for the longest time, but today? Let me tell you, kid, we really had a lot of the same crap to deal with. You don’t need a list, I’m sure, but it’s all there, from the parents who just didn’t get it, or even want to get it, to the teen rebellion thing, to the thinking you know better than every adult that dares to tell you that you don’t. I lived it, Jess. I majored in it, got the T-shirt, the full works, and it’s because of that that I am so, so sorry.
When you showed up, I should’ve been nicer. I mean, I did try to be nice, obviously, but I see now that I went at it all wrong . I tried to support Luke, to show you how lucky you were to have him. I can’t regret that, but what I do feel bad about now is that I didn’t listen to you. I was one in a long line of grown-up types that just told you what was best for you, without once taking onboard how you were feeling, how you were struggling, what you needed to say. For all of that, I’m sorry.
Now, does this mean I think you’re the greatest person in the world and we’re going to be best friends forever? Obviously not. You messed up with Luke and you really, really messed up with Rory, but I’m sure you don’t need me to tell you that. At this point, it seems like you got your life figured out, what with the book and the publishing house and everything. Luke tells me how well you’re doing sometimes and that’s very cool. I guess, what I’m saying is, good job, Jess. That and I’m only sorry that I wasn’t a part of helping you get where you were going, because I see now that I both could and should been.
Lorelai
Jess was pretty sure his eyes were wider than wide by the time he finished reading. An apology from Lorelai Gilmore, for something that happened more than five years earlier, and all because she read some teenaged diary pages he somehow lost at Luke’s Diner? Any second now, Jess was expecting to wake up and find this was all some very weird dream, or for the ghost of Rod Serling to pop up and inform him he just entered The Twilight Zone.
After he turned the paper over and back again twice, plus checked the postmark on the envelope, Jess had to admit that it all seemed genuine. Lorelai really had sent him this letter. She really did feel bad for not being a better role model or big sister or whatever she might have been to him in different circumstances, if they had only given each other a chance.
After a moment’s thought, Jess pushed his laptop aside, pulled some paper from the desk drawer and picked up a pen to start writing.
“Oh, that’s Jess’ writing, so it’ll be for me,” said Luke, grabbing the envelope from the pile in Lorelai’s hand. “Or not,” he added, frowning some as he checked the postmark. “Okay, it definitely says Philadelphia. Why would Jess be writing to you?”
Lorelai opened her mouth to answer, then closed it again fast. She never had told Luke about the diary pages or what she wrote to Jess. Honestly, it didn’t seem worth it. She didn’t really know how to explain, and even if she did, awful as it might sound, she was a little worried maybe Luke would try to involve himself in a way she would rather he didn’t.
“It’s kind of a long story,” she said eventually, “which I will absolutely tell you later, but right now, don’t you have a diner to open?”
Luke checked his watch and scowled. “Oh, crap! Okay, we’ll talk about this later,” he agreed, quickly kissing her cheek and rushing out the door.
Lorelai let out a sigh then shuffled back to the kitchen in her robe and slippers yet. She rarely got up as early as Luke did for diner-opening purposes, this morning was kind of a fluke, but she was glad about it now. She was glad to have a chance to read her letter from Jess alone, even though, deep down, she hadn’t really been expecting any response at all. Now, she could only hope what she had received was a positive reaction. Somehow, she didn’t think Jess would bother to answer at all if he was mad or anything.
Dear Lorelai,
You’re right, that is weird to write, but hey, how else to start? This isn’t going to be the world’s longest letter, and maybe it would’ve been easier if I just called you or something, relayed a message via Luke, I don’t know. Somehow, writing back just seemed like the right thing to do. Funny, I thought it was you who had the mother constantly referencing what Miss Manners says. It sure as heck wasn’t me.
Anyway, thanks for the letter, I guess, and for the apology. I’m not entirely sure I deserve it, given my attitude back then, plus all the crap that came after. You’re right, I don’t remember that conversation word-for-word, but I know I didn’t come off too well in it. Also, the way I treated Luke, not to mention Rory, means I can understand if I’m still not your favourite person, even if I have made amends with those two.
Did you freak me out by comparing me to you? Not really. Back when we were together, Rory would tell me all the time how much you and I had in common. It freaked me out then, let me tell you, but not anymore. I figured out a long time ago that there were way worse people to be compared to than you. When you have Luke and Rory as attached to you as they are, then you can’t be all bad.
I guess there’s not much else to say, except thanks again, and if it helps you at all I accept your apology, even if I wasn’t looking for it. It means something though, that you wanted to say it and everything. For what it’s worth, I’m sorry too, for hurting the people I know mean the most to you. It wasn’t intentional, but I still did it and I am sorry, honestly.
Take care of yourself and my uncle too,
Jess
Sitting back in her seat, Lorelai let out a long sigh as a smile came over her lips. Maybe, just maybe, this could be the start of a beautiful friendship.