Chapter Text
The washcloth twisted tight, his knuckles white with the pressure as a singular drop of water dripped morosely into the sink. Buck held it there, staring at the bunched up fabric, unable to loosen his hands and carry on.
It had become a painful routine. Every morning, he’d go to the bathroom and turn on the shower. The water would pound down in a relentless, even rhythm and Buck would watch it splash back up before draining away. The very thought of the water touching his face causing his chest to tighten and breaths to come out shallow and fast. He’d paw half blind at the tap and sit heavily on the lid of the toilet until the shaking in his hands subsided long enough to wipe the tears from his eyes. Then, he’d grab the washcloth from where it hung dutifully next to his towel and scrub his body down until the dirt and sweat were stripped away. There was always an itchy feeling left inside, however, one that he’d usually soothe with blisteringly hot water soaking into his joints until he could move again.
The hardest part was always the final bit.
He dreaded it with a fear that robbed the feeling from his fingertips, his features buzzing with electricity as he spent minutes trying to find the mental capacity to raise the cloth to his face and wash the grime from it.
The seconds of contact where the cloth covered his nose, his mouth, his eyes, he was back in the water. Unable to breathe, lost and taking alternate breaths of water and air. Drowning and drowning and drowning over and over again.
He couldn’t stand anything over his face anymore. His sheets were balled between his legs as he slept, his sleepless nights spent tossing and turning but never onto his stomach. The washcloth balled in his hands being wrung almost completely dry before even coming near his face.
Bucks hands quivered.
“ Buck.”
His lungs sucked in a deep breath, and Buck realised he had been drowning without water until he heard the voice.
“Eddie?”
“Sorry, you didn’t answer the door and I worried that… you know.”
“You… worried?” The ringing. He had thought that it was simply the panic attack that had brought on a ringing in his ears. Absently, he made a mental note to check out different doorbell noises to make it more distinct from his panic attacks.
“Thought you might have passed out, or got another blood clot or something, used my key.”
“Is Chris downstairs again?”
“No, Buck, just me.”
“Oh.” Buck wasn’t sure if that was better or worse or some strange combination of the two.
It was then he noticed how Eddie was looking resolutely at a fixed point over his shoulder, a faint flush playing around his cheekbones. Probably because Buck, having been in the middle of washing himself, was standing, well, Buck-ass naked.
“Ah-“ Buck grabbed at his towel from where it hung on the radiator and quickly wrapped it around his waist “- sorry.”
“It was my fault, I shouldn't have interrupted you when you were- uhh- I’m not actually sure what you were doing actually.” Eddie, ever the gentleman, was still looking somewhere over Buck’s shoulder, but this meant that Buck could study the frown that gathered when Eddie looked between the sink and the abandoned washcloth beside it.
“I was uh- I was washing.” Now it was Buck’s turn to flush, embarrassment creeping up his throat and choking his words.
“You were- oh .”
Buck felt himself shrinking, his eyes suddenly unable to focus on Eddie and instead latching onto the source of his shame, the damp black cloth still sitting bunched up on the side. How does he explain, how could he? That a grown man was scared of a damn shower. His jaw clenched at the same time he found himself shrinking into himself, preparing.
“Is it the water? Or the tight space?”
Buck’s breath left him as quickly as it had entered when Eddie arrived. Of course, of course Eddie wouldn’t mock him. Instead, he was already trying to problem solve, to help, to have his back.
“It’s my face.” Buck’s words were strangled, and as sure as he was they didn’t make sense, Eddie nodded and glanced back up at the shower head. The beautiful, heavenly pressurised rainfall shower that could not be moved up or down. Couldn’t be dropped to only cover his body. Couldn’t be altered to give any less water than a near sheet that would engulf his body completely.
“Have you tried a bath?”
Buck’s mind blanked.
“Buck. Did you not try a bath?”
“I forgot I had it…?”
“ Dios mío . How do you- actually nevermind. I’m running you a bath.”
“You’re running me a bath?”
Eddie didn’t reply, but instead shooed Buck away from the cabinet by the sink, and began pulling out various bottles and judging them with the same scrunched up bitchy look he usually reserved for anything labelled ‘smart home’ in the store.
Buck dutifully stayed out of Eddie’s way, a task that should’ve been difficult considering the size of the bathroom, and yet they moved around one another with well practised ease. It was comfortable, and Buck found himself relaxing into the familiarity of the routine. Before, well, all of what had happened, he would have felt regret and grief over this, but with the news from Bobby that he could return to work after his mandated three week healing period? Well, the familiarity was exciting, a promise of what was to come. A promise that he would be returning to comfort, not awkwardness.
“Hey, Earth to Buck?” Eddie waved a hand in front of his face, and smiled when Buck batted him away. “You good?”
“Yeah, yes.” Buck, lost in his own head, had missed the completion of the bath. A tower of pleasant, lavender scented bubbles from a bottle bought months ago for Christopher adorned the steaming water that looked so damn inviting. His muscles twinged with the aches that had long since taken residence without relief.
“Hey,” Eddie’s hand was warm around his wrist, “I’m gonna be just outside, and you know, if you need me…”
“You have my back.” Buck tried for a smile, but all he could manage was a slight twitch of his lips. Eddie glanced down at them, before smiling himself, his hand tightening to a full grip before he let go.
“I have your back. Always. You have mine too, right?”
Buck could only nod, his throat closing up, this time not from embarrassment or panic, but from the pressure of the words that fought to break free. The words he had long ago locked deep within his chest, the ones that would forever change this. He didn’t want it to change. He wasn’t ready to let Eddie leave him, not yet. Not like everyone else.
“Right outside, yeah?” Eddie made sure to catch his eye, nodding at whatever he saw there before he left the room. Buck breathed- 1, 2, in, out. His chest remained relaxed, focusing on the sliver of room he could see from where Eddie had left the door ajar.
Right outside .
Buck covered his face with his hands, 1, 2, in, out.
He smiled, and climbed into the bath with a sigh.