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Atsushi never thought that Akutagawa would return to him.
But he did hope, and for the longest time, all he could do was hope. He would think, and think, and hold onto Akutagawa’s coat as if it was his last source of blessing— his miracle.
Akutagawa’s coat smelled like smoke, mostly, and Atsushi thought about giving it a light wash but then he caught the traces of Akutagawa’s scent around the collar, and the sleeves, and when he did it felt like another whiff of the scent could paralyze him and turn him into a mess, grieving a person no one else mourned for.
Akutagawa. Akutagawa.
Ryuunosuke…
The situation with the Decay of the Angels gave him the distraction he needed, although it wasn’t the kind that he wanted. He once thought that if Dazai was with him he could get his mind out of Ryuunosuke more often but then he realized that seeing Dazai would only remind him of the pain slowly building up his throat every day like roots of a tree taking over his nerves, his bones, his mind.
It has the same feeling when Rashomon would wrap around him, the tickle on his skin, the pressure threatening to tighten around his throat but doesn't.
Oh, how he missed him.
How he missed the cruel boy who sought to kill him and yet…
And yet…
“Beautiful.” He whispered as he looked at Akutagawa’s sleeping face, he looked pale, his lips cracked dry and his hair looked unkempt. But he was alive, breathing with the help of machines, but very much alive.
After the fight for the Agency’s innocence, they figured out how to disable the infection from Bram. He searched for Akutagawa first and fought everyone who told him that the latter was unsavable and long dead.
He and Yosano made it work though, and for the longest time, the tightness around his throat finally gave him space to breathe.
“Ryuu…” Atsushi murmured once again, but he doesn't say anything else. Whatever he plans to say, he’ll only voice out when Ryuunosuke’s awake. Atsushi hopes that it would be something that’ll come soon.
He’ll be here to greet him first.
Just as he was the one who watched him fall asleep.
In the meantime, he cleaned Ryuunosuke’s face, gently dragging a damp cloth on his skin, and his arms, and then making sure his coat is present once he woke up. Kunikida looked at him worriedly when he caught Atsushi doing such things, but spoke nothing of it.
If anyone were to question Atsushi’s affection for the mafioso, it wouldn’t be him. Kunikida knew about his little trips with Akutagawa, how he would leave his apartment in the middle of the night only to go to the other’s, how Akutagawa suddenly became a reason for Atsushi to be happy about leaving work early, rushing from his seat once the clock strikes 8 like a restless dog.
Kunikida wasn’t cruel enough to be the one to stop that.
“Do you think he would like some flowers in his room? Give it a little color so it isn’t too depressing?” Kunikida offered, Atsushi visibly lit up at the offer.
“Would it be possible to buy fake ones? Gin told me that Ryuu isn’t too fond of floral scents.” Atsushi says, “I wouldn’t want to upset him so soon after he wakes up.”
“I think he’d immediately frown at the sight of you,” Kunikida says and Atsushi laughs. “I’m sure he’ll wake up soon.”
“I know. Ryuu is strong.”
The day Akutagawa wakes up does come. Unfortunately, it happens the day Dazai decided to visit his former subordinate. Upon being told the situation, Atsushi quickly rushes to Ryuunosuke’s room, worried that the sight of Dazai would make him spiral once again but he was met with a view he never expected to see.
“Ryuu—” Dazai calls out, but the other turns his head away. “I need you to know that I’m… sorry.”
“Are you?” Akutagawa’s voice was rough, it sounded like it was painful to even speak. “Are you sorry because you feel bad about what you did or because you did something Oda Sakunosuke wouldn’t want you to do?”
There was a moment of silence, then Dazai takes it as his cue to leave.
Atsushi gives him a look as they pass by each other at the door, he wanted to ask him the same question— get an answer out of him but Dazai isn’t the one Atsushi came for, but the boy who saved his life.
“Ryuu?” Atsushi called out, closing the door behind him. “It’s me.”
“I know it’s you.” Akutagawa slowly turns his head in Atsushi’s direction. “I’m surprised you’re still alive.
“I think I should be the one telling you that.”
“How come? You’re the one who saved me, aren’t you?” Akutagawa involuntarily reaches out a hand as Atsushi nears the bed, weakly grasping onto Atshushi’s once their fingers touch. Atsushi nods at his question, he fears that if he speaks, a cry might come out. “Well, you’re going to regret that. Once I recover, I’m going to kill you.”
“I know.” Atsushi smiles.
“I will kill you, Jinko.” It only makes Atsushi chuckle.
Atsushi reaches out to gently cradle Akutagawa’s face, tracing the scar on his neck lightly. “I know, Ryuu. I know.”
“I could kill you now.”
“Sure, but you’re awfully talkative for someone who just rose from the dead, It’ll make me think you’re rather excited to see me.” Akutagawa rolls his eyes at those words, scoffing a little to hide the laugh that threatened to escape his lips. He realizes that he was still holding the weretiger’s hand, but makes no move to let go. “Ryuu, why did you save me?”
Akutagawa looks up at him, chewing on his bottom lip before shaking his head. “I don’t know.”
Ah, it seems that even now, he won’t get the answer he needed.
But that’s okay, because deep inside both of them knew. They knew the answer to the very question but for now, they refuse to acknowledge it, and so they won’t.
They’ll give it time.
“It’s okay not to know,” Atsushi assures him. “We have all the time in the world to find out, Ryuunosuke, don’t you worry.”