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There are days when you don’t want to wake up, you wish you could sleep for entirety, because accepting the reality is just fucked up and impossible. Especially the one where you're as good as dead.
Worthless, discarded by hateful fate that laughs at you.
Among the beeping devices, on a hospital bed with his leg tightly secured, was Rin. Few hours ago, yesterday or maybe a lifetime ago, he found himself in this predicament.
One careless moment can cost you your career, your life, or your leg.
Even among the throbbing pain of his whole body his focus was solely on his fractured bone, the one he needed to crush Sae's dream. He'd trade both of his arms, just so he can get up and run again, score goals that bring him closer and closer to resolving the mess between him and his brother. Making the relationship they have convenient again.
Without wasting a moment he has to work hard, improve so he'd have him in his reach.
As long as he wins his brother will come back to him, they will be alright again.
Rin hates Sae, but Sae loves Rin.
Or so Rin wishes to believe.
Sae will only love him if he is worthy of being by his side, if he wins their dream back.
There is a numb buzz in his head since he had woken up, there was a lot he didn't want to think about, still, he couldn't help but let his head be flooded by uncomfortable ideas.
I'm wasting time like this, I have to get up or I won't be able to beat Nii-chan.
What if he slips further away and I can't win against him?
Stupid leg, useless body, just move, you have one reason for existing…
If I can't bring Nii-chan back I'm better off dead.
Useless. Worthless. Disgusting.
What if…
I really don't heal? What if I can't play again?
That's when nausea and the dreading news he had received earlier finally hit him, his mouth suddenly dry, lungs expanding and contracting rapidly with small erratic breaths.
No, no, no, if I can't play football I'll lose all my value.
His throat is impossibly tight, eyes welling up with tears as he struggles to breathe, or forgets how to, it's not important anyway if he can't defeat Itoshi Sae.
He wishes to scream but his voice is gone, now pointlessly gasping for air, his fists clench around the sheets, willing himself to get up, to break everything.
Crush it to pieces.
"Rin…"
"...!?"
A voice so similar to his own, but a bit more exhausted, deeper,... anxious…? Rin hasn't heard this voice in a bit over a year, but it always haunted him, in his worst nightmares, in his distant bittersweet memories.
"Sir— you need to" A worried nurse appears behind the intruder who spares barely a second to glare at her before turning to face Rin.
"I'm his family."
That's all Itoshi Sae has to say before he earns an apology and is allowed into the room privately.
He admits that it's pathetic, but Rin was momentarily overjoyed that he came for him. It's been so long since he had seen the figure of his older brother that was now much shorter than him. His eyes trace the indifferent face and he couldn't help but be reminded of the cruel words this person that meant the whole world to him had told him.
Now Rin feels ashamed about his position, how he can't move at all. Sae wasn't supposed to see him like this. Why was he here anyway? Last time he watched the news he had seen him playing in some important European Championship.
It must be a dream then. A nightmare where his brother comes to taunt him for being so weak, so stupid as to let himself get into an accident.
He thought of Sae coming to comfort him but it was all too shameful and childish, weak, he had to push it to the back of his mind. It would never be real anyway. Sae didn't care about him.
The realization makes him angry, it comes in the form of disappointment and rage that tugs at his heart, ripping it apart while making old wounds bleed. His nails almost tear at the sheets as he squeezes, glaring with his jaw tight. The target of his aggression remains calm as he closes the distance between them, now standing directly in front of his bed. Rin could reach out, punch his face to confirm if it was real but he chooses to remain delusional. Sae wasn't really here.
Because why'd his brother visit him? He wasn't worth it.
There is a moment of silence, Sae almost never speaks first and Rin hates how he has to initiate the disaster even in his nightmares, just because silence is more painful.
"What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be in Spain?"
More silence.
Rin doesn't have the energy in him to keep on glaring at that cruel mirror so he drops his gaze to his lap, biting his lip to stop himself from whimpering.
But it slips out of him anyway, in a heart wrenching squeak, something he didn't expect himself to sound like.
Cold, so cold.
The hand on his forehead was.
His heartbeat speeds up at realization— it was real.
Soft touches that brush his bangs away feel almost punishing, Rin thinks he is being tortured, maybe he finally went so crazy he can actually feel his nightmares now.
Even if he were to die no way the Itoshi Sae would drop everything just to come and see his little brother that he had so cruelly left.
But the hand that slowly warms up while tracing his face, like it's making sure that he is real , that it's really Rin– it was so gentle and felt the same as years ago. Same as whenever Rin used to get injured when playing around or training with his brother.
"Your face is a mess." Sae finally says upon finishing tracing his contours warped in bandages.
It's a voice soft with special kindness none but Rin used to receive, these comforting touches too, the worry in those minty gems. It was for Rin only.
In the past at least.
Rin couldn't let himself believe any of this, it didn't make any sense for Sae to come for him, much less… be worried? If that's the word for whatever is happening right now. Rin wouldn't know, the Sae he relives in his memories everyday was cruel and incapable of such acts.
(He was the nicest in the world)
There is a queuing furry in him, bubbling from deep within, clawing at his throat and he spits again, word by word. "Why. Are. You. Here."
It wasn't a question at this point, it was a fuck off, Itoshi Sae.
The hand on his forehead flinches and pulls back, and Rin almost, almost, regrets the cold tone he had used. He was still furious at his brother, at himself, at this situation.
"It doesn't matter." It comes quiet, maybe slightly annoyed.
Sae always lacked the words unless it was to stab him with them.
Rin didn't have the same problem, he'd think of meeting his brother everyday, he'd curse him in those memories, swear to never forgive him. And yet, at other times he'd talk as if they were just like before, like Rin has won and they were sharing their dream once again. He had said everything that's there to be said to Sae.
Maybe there was nothing to talk about here.
"Does… does it hurt a lot?" The damned brother of his tries again, carefully so.
Rin could sense a hint of nervousness in his voice, and that made him stiffen up, there was nothing for him to do but to almost forgive him. He couldn't help but get affected by Sae a bit too much. There was a lot left unsaid, and a lot that should have never been said.
Which is why his brother speaking was Rin's biggest fear. His every word could turn his life upside down in a single moment.
"It… doesn't." It does, but Rin is embarrassed to say it. He wants to be strong. Even in this situation he is scared Sae will abandon him for being weak.
"It will be alright, as soon as you get discharged you will come with me." Rin hears it like it was a statement, he had no say in it.
"Where…?" He asks a bit too dumbly, if they were brothers like all the other ones, the answer would be home. But Sae wasn't at home, so coming with him didn't make any sense.
"To our home…?" Sae answers with even more confusion.
"Our?" Rin snaps, what was going on. "Why'd you go anywhere with me? You… you know I might not be able to play after this."
"Rin–"
"Don't talk!" Rin shuts him down with gritted teeth. He was scared to hear it.
It was all Sae's fault, that he was training so hard everyday till his body was so exhausted, legs unable to move. He just wanted to be acknowledged, to let Sae take him with him. To share their dream again. But it was all foolish, it was also all his fault— that he was unworthy, so pathetic when it comes to the person he cared the most about.
Sae promised him, told him to be the second best after him— Rin, you're incredible. Play football with me. If it's you, you can be the best one after me. Then he betrayed him.
He was left behind because he was weak.
His Nii-chan is amazing.
His Nii-chan is nicest.
And so fucking cruel. Rin wants him to die.
He hates himself the most.
"What did you even come here for? You didn't spare me a glance when I was chasing after you, but now that I'm miserable you…" His voice cracks, at loss of words and so damn overwhelmed that he wants to claw at his own skin and disappear.
"I know, Rin." Sae doesn't specify but Rin believes that they are still connected enough for him to understand.
I know that this doesn't make any sense. I know how I make you feel. I know about your injury and that you probably won't be able to play ever again but I still came for you.
"Why though?" Rin asks, following his delusions.
"Because… You're my little brother Rin." I care about you, remains unsaid, Sae wasn't the type to use such words. But he means it.
It's still not enough to get across, no Rin can't feel it, none of it, he is still stuck in the nightmare of that day. The room with ruined trophies. Rin thinks of all the days he had spent alone, in Sae's room, watching the movies they stayed up all night to go through together, watching all the news and videos Sae was on over and over again, promising himself to win against him.
Crush Sae's current dream so they can once again share their old one.
"I will stay with you Rin."
Rin wants it because he adores him, but Sae only sees him for his talent. It was always that way.
He was so so tired of this.
So he snaps.
"YOU DON'T FUCKING CARE–"
Sae flinces, he knew his brother would yell when on his own, but he never yelled right into his face.
"JUST LEAVE ME ALONE, NOW THAT I'M REALLY USELESS TO YOU I KNOW THAT YOU WANT TO"
It spills, all his honest feelings but he can't see Sae's face, he can't hear if he is saying anything, it's a mess and his head feels like it will blow up. He can't breathe, like an invisible rope something was squeezing his neck, there was a bullet shooting through his head.
But he can feel.
A pair of hands cup his face firmly, making him look at their owner.
"Slowly, breathe in and out." Sae says it barely above a whisper.
"It's going to be alright."
"You're… no, you were never useful to me."
Rin flinches but Sae only squeezes his face harder, hurriedly adding, "Nor useless, I wasn't using you. I never did."
The words seem like a lie but it's what gets Rin to the surface from the murky dark water he was drowning in. And once again, like a fearful child in need of comfort, he calls out for the person that was the center of his life.
"Nii-chan…"
"I'm so scared. I can't believe you, I'm sure you will leave me."
"I don't want to love you again."
"You hurt me so much."
"I don't want to forgive you. Now I think everyone will leave me the way you did, because I'm not worth it."
It's sick but as he confesses, his breath evening out, all he can think of is warm and loving childhood of theirs. He is blinded. Then his sight comes back to him, it's Sae's face that was in front of his and for the first time after years he looks at it properly.
The eyes that match his own that lost their shine, the tired pale face with eye bags, thin chapped lips…
His Nii-chan went through a lot that was never disclosed to the media, which he probably never told their parents. Sae had always carried the great weight of everything by himself, only telling some of the things to Rin, till he didn't. He seemed exhausted, he probably rushed to Japan as soon as he heard the news. Otherwise there was no way to make it here within a day. Sae always cared and felt more than he dared show, more than his face could express.
But this niceness was frightening, surreal.
"I'm so sorry Rin, for everything. I'll… tell you anything you need to hear, I'll be by your side from now on. I promise, you will be alright, and I'll be there for you." Whatever Sae realized and was thinking of during the almost a day long plane ride flipped his world entirely, he seemed like a different person.
Terrifying.
"I was so scared when I heard the news, I couldn't stop thinking of the worst while on the way, I just wanted to be by your side already… I realized how bad it could've been if you…" Sae whimpers, unable to continue as he swallows down erratically, forcing himself to continue, "I was so terrified of losing you … Without telling you anything. Without apologizing to you…"
"I couldn't believe you were real when I came in, my whole body froze up. I had to make sure it was you." The small cracks open bigger ones and all the unsaid words came pouring down incoherently.
"In worst case scenario I'll help you, we can pick something else…" for you? For us? Sae is scared to specify, football is the bane of his existence, and Rin sees Sae as the best footballer, so he can't give it up. "You mean everything to me."
"Then why… Did you throw me away?" Rin looks away, the sincerity in those eyes stabbing him. There was something collapsing, toppling over the old grudges was uncertainty. What was he supposed to believe?
Sae seems to think of it deeply, not for the answer, he had it since that day. But of how to say it.
"I wanted you to be you, and me to be me."
"Rin… I didn't want you to be the best striker's brother, you shouldn't have to replace me." He adds on after a while.
What was this even supposed to mean? He tells him to become one thing, and then that he shouldn't be it?
His brother was a liar.
"You… used me, you made me feel so worthless…" Rin chokes on his words, the ones that were half true, half lies, he knew it but he was scared to admit it. "I didn't deserve any of that, if you loved me you wouldn't have said that."
He feels his throat squeeze, he wants to make it all spill, the heavy dark words that keep on cording his heart. Tears are sticking to his eyelashes as he sniffles, willing himself to not cry, to stop being so shameful in front of his idol, the anchor of his being. He thinks he is being foolish, that his words don't matter, but he sees it, cracks in his brother's expressionless face— the surprise, the regret, the hurt.
"You… used to be the nicest in the world. Always with me… and then, you, you left me—!" Rin glares with hot tears rolling down his cheeks, "We shared a dream!"
He hates this pathetic child version of himself but it was hard to keep it in, after all the years without Sae, all alone. He hated him, but he couldn't put anyone above him. Because he wanted to believe that all he had to do is to win and they would be together once again.
That's the only reason Rin played football.
"Rin… I had my reasons." Sae seems to hate to say it, he never made up excuses, he never did.
"I don't want to know…"
"I don't need your reasons, your convenient explanations, I know you see me as worthless to you–" A loud slam shakes them up both and Sae almost misses it, "... please, Nii-chan".
"It's not the end… Right? I just have to get up, make this stupid leg work!"
Rin's fists slam down against his leg and before he can do it again Sae lets go of his face to catch his hands, pushing them before enveloping Rin in his arms. It's awkward at first, they haven't hugged in ages, but next second Sae is tightening his grip on him, I won't let you go.
"You told me to be the best after you, and yet you left me …" Rin sobs on Sae's shoulder messily.
"Yeah… I did. I realized we won't get anywhere. We wouldn't be number one together. Because of me." Sae realized it after all the torturous days in Spain, he wasn't that hungry for goals as others were, since Rin had scored his first goal he played so he could pass to Rin. From the beginning he was born as Rin's midfielder.
It was Rin who had something he didn't, the hideous but powerful urge. Ego befitting a striker. It was Rin who was the best in the world. He believed that, it's what kept him going.
"For me you were always number one in the world." Rin argues back with a sniffle and Sae shakes his head with a sad teary smile.
"I wished you understood me without me telling you everything, I wish you accepted me back. But we both hurt each other… the things I said that night … they are all just horrible, I..I didn't mean any of it." Sae admits, lifting up the rock from his fractured body.
"I wish that every word that I told you which has hurt you had the power to kill me, stab at my heart, rip at my tongue. I deserve it." Sae too spent his days replaying their last encounter over and over again, hurt and suffocated by guilt.
The voice came so small, fragile with beautiful tears staining his cheeks, it wasn't the brother Rin remembered, "I wish I had stayed, I truly do. I never left you, in my mind we remained together. You kept me going."
This couldn't be true, this was Sae who threw him away so cruelly, why was he the one crying? Rin knows that he should be mad, scream at him, try wake up from this fucked up dream.
The Nii-chan he knows would never cry.
Ah.
But… he would?
So this was it, the way he pushed Sae away.
He didn't look at him properly, the figure he idolized blinded him from seeing all the cracks and weaknesses Sae had.
"I'm… I'm sorry Rin." Sae's body trembles against his and Rin hesitantly reaches out to hug him back. "I should have apologized before, but back then, I really wanted you to accept me."
The whole time he was in Spain, even till yesterday before receiving the call about Rin's news, he has always been thinking of him. There are so many unsaid I miss you, I'm sorry.
Sae doesn't know if he feels the same.
It wasn't what Rin needed to hear, he wanted to be chosen. Their memories overflow from the inside of his cracked trampled heart, the black liquid that seeps through it paints a bright picture– the sun and ice cream, the goals and passes, the late night movies.
But it also smells like rotten flesh, like the night where everything came to an end.
Making Sae acknowledge him was one thing but the thought of being abandoned again was so frightening. Sae had yet to realize the extent of pain he had inflicted on Rin.
"No, I don't want…"
His voice cracks with his head in his hands, tears staining his palms.
"What are you even talking about, if I can't play football for you I am worthless, I’m as good as dead." Rin says convinced.
They were dead. They died. Their dream was destroyed because he was weak.
And so easily Sae could destroy him, beautifully, gracefully, like it's nothing.
Without his talents he was worth nothing to the God Itoshi Sae.
He lost the purpose of his life.
They have to stop pretending who they are.
Rin knows that his brother is nice, the nicest there is. But he couldn't believe that he could be loved back by the person he loves because of him.
Sae hushed him with a pained voice, it hurt so damn much to see the damage he had caused. "Don't say anything."
For the second time tonight Rin takes a moment to properly look at Sae's face, the dark sunken eyes, pale cheeks stained with tears.
Sae was a fucking mess.
"The dream we left behind wasn't the end for me. I wanted it to take a new shape together with us."
"When I look back, at first, I resented you for not understanding me, for rejecting me."
"Then I regretted everything. Leaving you, sharing a dream with you."
"But then I realized I was blessed to have you in my life, you were the one I was supposed to reach the top of the world with."
"So I tried to take you with me, in my heart, when I played you were always there with me."
No one knows when exactly they both started shaking and crying in each other's embrace, or when Sae started sobbing out apology after apology with immense sadness in his voice, a hundred unsaid I missed you, I wish I was with you, I love you overwhelming Rin all at once. And Rin catches all those broken pieces, deciding to hold on them even if these flower petals turn out to be glass shards. As he does so Sae is holding him who is so broken and deranged, even if Rin wishes to claw at his skin, even if Rin is unlovable to everyone else, Sae loves him for all the love he needs.
The affection never stopped, although messy and tainted with sorrow, it was all true. "I really messed up, didn't I Rin?" He sobs out breathlessly and Rin nods in return— Sae breaks and cries harder.
"I'm sorry, I hurt you too, Nii-chan." He says weakly, his fingers clutching at Sae's shirt to bring him closer. He knows he won't be left behind anymore, but it's still scary to come in face with damage he too had caused, that his brother might change his mind. So he wills himself to pull away to look at Sae's face, confirming that his words got across properly. The surprise and relief, the warm eyes and thin kind smile of his brother is hard to look at without tearing up some more. Rin could go on, saying so much more, but most important was, "I love you, Nii-chan. Don't leave me, please."
Sae's mouth gapes open wordlessly, unable to muster up his voice, and this makes him panic, because really really he wants to comfort Rin.
And Rin understands, with his blurry vision from his overflowing tears he can see the genuineness. He brings his hand up to ruffle his brother's hair, messing up the bangs sticking up and bringing them back down to how they used to be. "It's okay. I know ."
Sae looks so damn relieved, whatever feeling he is experiencing seems to wreck his whole body, they both needed this disclosure, the reconciliation they both wished for but were too scared to take first step for, having their own ways of going around for it.
"We should have talked sooner… maybe then…" The hurt, the accident, none of it would've happened. But it was too late, they can only move forward.
Sae gives Rin one last hug, for today. They were both exhausted, it was time for a temporary wrap up. In future there are many days for them to spend resolving the old wounds, feelings and regrets, it's nothing they can't work on together. He can barely lift his hands up but he has to, it's what Rin deserves, a million of hugs and million of praises, and he will give him that.
"Let's forget all the ways we are broken, I don't care if you've changed…" Sae then promises, truly, "I'll stay with you."
"Even if I can't play for you?" Rin asks even though he knows he sounds pathetic, he was nauseous whenever he remembers the shape his body was in. He knows the answer but he needs to hear it again and again. Sae will do that.
"Of course Rin, always, no matter what." The firm and clear answer comforts Rin. Whatever Sae says now is true, so he lets himself drown in comforting hushes of his brother as tiredness overtakes his body once again. He'd gladly fall asleep just like this, but he doesn't want this to end, he doesn't want to wake up and be alone again.
"It's okay, everything is going to be alright, Nii-chan promises you." Sae reassures as many times as he needs to and just as Rin is about to drift to sleep a knock on the door makes him jump.
"Uhm, Sae–" A voice interrupts from behind the door, and Sae frowns but gets up anyway, the urgency in man's voice was evident even to Rin so he guesses it must be his manager.
He watches Sae leave, all the feeling of security that builded up with their talk vanishing in thin air. He is going to leave, he will leave me again, of course he will… He is so out of my reach… Nii-chan…
His fists clench around the sheets, wishing he could stand up and scream at Sae who is abandoning him again but his body can’t move, it was trembling, swallowed down by fear. His hand strikes out to grab the glass next to him, holding it in a grip he could almost feel himself shattering it in his palm.
“Rin?” Just as he was about to throw his cup at the door, Sae turned around, his head tilted with a bored, slightly confused expression of his, eyes…soft. Rin doesn’t know how else to describe it and he almost dies when Sae says his next words,
“I’m not leaving.”
He doesn’t hear how Sae also tells him to “Wait a moment”, or how the manager scolds his brother, throwing his hands everywhere hysterically.
His brother said he isn’t leaving…
Sae is staying with him.
He does his best to suppress a smile he used to get whenever Sae would praise him when they were little, but it didn't work.
“Huh, did you lose your grip on it?” Sae frowns at the floor with Rin’s glass laying on it, water spilled everywhere. But Rin didn’t care about it at all, his hand reaching out towards Sae who stares at him, then at the hand stretched towards him, his own in his pockets still.
Sae might have been a crying mess just seconds ago but he was too prideful to let anyone see him that way, so the moment his manager called him he recollected himself.
Rin doesn’t give up, it’s silence between them and Sae sighs, finally taking his own out of his pocket to clasp Rin's who pulls him down to him. "Stay here Nii-chan." He asks not caring if he sounds spoiled, he is sure that Sae was tired as well but he wasn't ready to let go.
"I'll stay here till you fall asleep, and I'll be here when you wake up." Sae brings his hand up to pull at Rin's nose, "You spoiled little brother." Rin only laughs, not denying it as he let's his body relax, focusing on the warm hand holding his and the soft hum from his childhood memories as he falls asleep.
Tomorrow is a new day, he isn't alone anymore. He is loved and cared for no matter what. They have each other so it's going to be alright, even if it's not perfect they will go on with their dreams together hand in hand.
"Sweet dreams Rin. I love you forever, you were always enough for me, I always wanted to be by your side. I won't leave you ever again. I promise."