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How could it have come to this.
That was the only thought in Jason Todd's mind as the Batmobile - with him inside, mind you - sped toward its certain doom.
The answer was easy, but far too innocuous for the current state of emergency.
It all started with a game.
"It's childish," Damian complained, "I don't see the point in going along with such trifles from idiots."
It was a family dinner like any other. Except this time, everyone was present. Bruce, Dick, Damian, Tim, Cass, Steph, Duke and Jason.
Everyone was there listening to the youngest member of the family get upset with his classmates. In Damian's defense, it had to be said that Dick had asked and would never be fobbed off with a monosyllabic answer.
Stephanie pointed accusingly at Damian, "Take that back. Tag is the best game ever designed. It awakens the animal nature in people."
Cass grinned as Tim laughed up.
"I think you mean in you."
Steph shook her head, "No. In everyone. Everyone conspires to catch someone. They lie in wait like predators. And woe to the poor victim whose heart is up to his neck."
Duke sighed, "What drama are you watching these days?"
The girl answered the question with a scowl.
Damian pursed his mouth, "Pretty words don't make the game any less childish, Brown."
Dick smiled kindly, "You've never played vigilante tag either, Damian. Once you have opponents who are a match for you, everything becomes more exciting. It trains your hiding skills and is good practice for catchers to find a person in crime. Not to mention the endurance training you get from a pursuit."
It was obvious to the older man that he was just reminiscing about old memories.
Jason looked up in surprise, "How come the Demon Angel has never played vigilante tag before?"
Immediately all eyes went accusingly to Bruce, which was probably answer enough.
Jason's jaw dropped, "You're not serious, old man. You forbade it?!"
"No," Bruce said simultaneously with Alfred, who was just coming in with dessert.
"I forbade it," Alfred continued, "Because Master Bruce couldn't restrain himself from taking a game too seriously."
Bruce looked like he was about to disagree, but Alfred's raised eyebrow brought him to his senses. No sane person would pick a fight with Alfred.
Dick looked hopefully at Alfred, "But couldn't we make an exception for today. We're all here; Oracle is on vacation, which is why no one can cheat; all our counterparts are currently in jail or in Arkham, and Damian really ought to learn that there can be meaning hidden even in seemingly childish activities."
The last offer seemed to make Alfred think the most.
Everyone in the house wished Damian would learn to be a child. That was hard when he was always so grown up. Catching was a good opportunity. The only question was whether it was enough of an argument to lift the lifetime ban.
"Just for one night," Stephanie asked.
Cass nodded eagerly beside her.
The rest of the table seemed excited as well, while Damian just rolled his eyes.
Alfred heaved a deep sigh.
"All right, gentlemen. But just for tonight."
A cheer went around the table.
The next point was where fate decided to spit in Jason Todd's face once again.
"Fuck," he cursed.
"Expression!" they all complained as if from one mouth and you could see the gloating on their faces.
They had all changed their clothes and had just drawn matches.
Jason had caught the short one.
"So it's decided," warbled Dick happily, "Jason gets a half hour head start and then we get to chase him. Whoever gets him first is the winner."
Damian frowned, "Isn't that how it's usually played?"
Steph nudged him, "That's why it's called vigilante capture. It's everyone against everyone here and everyone against Jason."
Jason angrily pinned his helmet on.
"Of course it has to be the black sheep of the family," he grumbled.
Duke just shrugged, feeling no sympathy. And if he had used his powers to avoid catching the short match in front of Jason, then no one ever had to know.
"On your marks," Alfred declared.
Jason swung onto his bike.
"Ready."
The engine started.
"Go!"
Jason took off as if his life depended on it. And it did.
Because if he let himself get caught even a minute before sunrise, he'd have to listen to it for the rest of the year, and they'd just reached May.
Not with him. He would already show his friendly family that it is better not to mess with the black sheep.
Jason was waiting on the roof of a small bakery in the Narrows. Not only because the smell was delicious, but also because this was where he had first hidden out when it had been just Dick, Bruce, and himself playing vigilante tag.
Jason claimed of himself not to be the sentimental type. And that was true.
The same could not be said about his brother.
A minute later than Jason had expected - Dick was getting old and slow - Nightwing landed on the same roof.
"Come here, Little Wing, and let me catch you," he warbled cheerfully, "Then I'll buy you a doughnut, too."
Red Hood just puffed deprecatingly and watched his brother slink toward him. He resembled a panther with his posture.
Nightwing frowned as he realized Jason wasn't running away. But it was already too late. He had gone one step too far and triggered the trap. And already he was tangled in a net from which even Jason could free himself only with a lot of effort within half an hour.
"Why?" whined Nightwing, "Why do you want to ruin our beautiful memories here?"
Red Hood laughed out, "Did you really think I was going to get caught here a second time? I learn from my mistakes. And the first mistake is not taking out the reigning champion right away."
Nightwing kicked furiously, which was just fine with Jason. The more one kicked, the worse it got. With each muscle movement more, Jason was given time.
"Good luck," he called back over his shoulder as he left his big brother on the roof.
Jason was feverishly considering how he could escape Cass if she discovered him when his phone rang.
Normally he would have ignored it, but it was Luis.
Luis hated talking on the phone. If he was calling instead of texting, then things were serious.
Jason sighed heavily, he might have to let Alfred know right away that they would have to pause the game. And surely his grandfather would not lift the ban again so soon.
"Yeah?" he reported, appropriately pissed off.
"Sorry, boss," Luis said immediately, "But can you come to the garden corner for a minute?"
The Garden Corner was where Luis got rid of his plant-based and not at all illegal brownies.
And if the son of a bitch hadn't hung up on him immediately, Jason might have found out what it was all about.
So, on the other hand, he went on his way, hoping it wasn't anything serious or time-consuming and that he could just keep playing without any problems.
Ten minutes later, he was at the corner of the garden, where Luis was waiting nervously.
"What?" dropped Red Hood in front of him.
Luis looked at him plaintively, "I had no choice. I owed him another favor and he promised not to arrest you."
Jason's eyes grew wide as he just barely dodged to the side.
Red Robin stood grinning and had almost touched him.
"Thank you, Luis," he fluted, "you can go."
"Go," Red Hood hissed, throwing a smoke bomb.
But now that they'd both been trained by Batman, the distraction didn't help.
It was a close call.
While Jason looked for a way out, Red Robin kept getting closer and closer.
"You son of a bitch," Jason cursed, "You're cheating."
Red Robin laughed, "Show me the rule where it is written that it is forbidden."
Jason couldn't. Dick had made the rules when he was ten. Which was why the rule read: In war and vigilante capture, anything goes.
Red Robin was only a minute away from really cornering Jason and thus winning, when it occurred to Jason that he was allowed to use his enemies' tricks as well.
"You still owe me!" he groaned about that, and just barely rolled to the side.
Red Robin froze and looked at him incredulously, "You can't be serious."
Jason just nodded, glad his panicked face couldn't be seen, "Yes I am, I saved your life and didn't tell anyone how close it was. What did you tell me?"
Tim gritted his teeth, "I owe you one."
"That's right," Jason gave a thumbs up, "And you're now honoring that debt by letting me get away with it."
Tim looked like he was about to stomp the ground in anger like a toddler.
"Come on, Jason. That's not fair."
Jason laughed out, "Yes it is. It would be even more fair if you were even actively helping me win. But even I'm not that drunk on power. Just let me get away and try your luck again in an hour."
Red Hood pulled a face, but Jason knew he had won.
"I hate you," Tim hissed. But he didn't stop Jason from running away.
Accordingly, all was well for Jason. What was hatred between brothers anyway?
Jason gave up inwardly at that moment, seeing Cass in front of him and hearing Stephanie land behind him.
Cass had to see it in his body language, because she grinned at him in satisfaction.
"You guys work together?" he asked, aghast.
Stephanie walked around him and leaned against Cass, "Of course."
He could only shake his head uncomprehendingly, "Only one can win, though."
Cass and Stephanie shared a demonic grin.
"And that winner can be you," Spoiler commented in a conspiratorial tone.
Jason blinked, "Huh?"
Spoiler threw his hands up in frustration, "I'm talking about bribery here, Jay. Since when are you so slow on the uptake when it comes to that?"
Oh.
OH.
Jason felt slightly sick, "What do you want?"
Steph didn't hesitate for a second, "You're taking over our dishwashing duties for two weeks."
Cass held up two fingers and nodded seriously.
Okay, that sounded good.
"Plus, you'll help me with my English essay," Stephanie continued.
As if Jason wasn't doing that anyway.
"And you're teaching Alfred how to make waffles properly."
"No," Jason breathed in horror.
"Yes, you are," Stephanie said, and she sounded pleading, "I can't eat another one of his waffles and pretend they don't taste like flour.
"Sawdust," Cass nodded in confirmation.
Jason genuinely considered just letting himself get caught. It would certainly be better than breaking Alfred's heart.
"Alfie loves and respects you," Steph agreed, "He'll appreciate your tips."
She wasn't wrong, but still....
"Loser," Cass opined.
"Deal," Jason immediately agreed. All it took was a reminder from Cass of what happened to losers in this family. They were raised mercilessly and not soon rid of the shame.
Jason wouldn't do that to himself. He'd rather take Alfred's slight.
"Always nice doing business with you," Steph made off. Closely followed by Cass, who hummed the advertising song from the waffle store around the corner.
"Are you kidding me?" roared Duke, dodging the Al-Blade that Jason had just thrown at him.
"Sorry, Narrows," Jason shouted, fleeing across the rooftops, "But I'm sure as hell not going to let you catch me."
He was truly sorry to let the boys get away like that. But to be fair, Duke had just stepped out of the shadows in front of him like that, and it had been scary as hell. If Jason had worse reflexes, he definitely would have speared Duke.
Also, why hadn't anyone taught him about Duke's shadowwalking abilities?
"This family is going to drive me crazy," Duke yelled after him.
Jason couldn't blame him.
He hadn't told Duke about the Al-Blades, either. The boy must have been just as scared as Jason himself.
It wasn't called vigilante capture for nothing.
And just as Jason was escaping Tim the second time, Damian showed up.
It was a bad joke how easy it was for Jason to dodge Damian and escape.
"You really should practice more," he yelled to Damian from several rooftops away, "You have no practice at this game."
Jason was right, but he was largely just saying it so Damian would spend more time with his classmates. The boy needed friends his age, even if he didn't realize it at the moment.
Besides, he also needed practice at the game. It simply wasn't enough to have stamina and speed. You also had to master the basic techniques that went along with the game. Every hunted person automatically reacted more drastically and dangerously when he saw defeat approaching.
Damian had underestimated that.
He had approached Jason as if it were an evening like any other.
The boy had been raised by Talia, he would see his mistake soon enough.
It was still an hour until the end of the game and Jason could already taste the sweet nectar of victory on his tongue.
That, of course, was when he was surrounded by his siblings.
Steph and Cass were nowhere to be seen, but then again, they had a deal.
Tim was across the street and Dick and Damian were on the rooftops. Duke was out of sight, but Jason felt his instincts pointing him toward a wall of shadows.
Red Hood cursed colorfully and was just glad Alfred couldn't hear.
The Batmobile appeared in front of Jason and Jason did the only thing he could think of.
He jumped in.
It went off like a rocket and was empty.
Whew.
"Target is now being taken to the Batman," the computer announced.
Shit.
Jason snapped his eyes open and looked at the apparatus. He had completely forgotten that Bruce was in the game and had fallen into his trap. There was no way he was going to let Bruce capture him. He would not give Batman that satisfaction!
Later, he would at least be able to inwardly admit that his next action was hasty and not well thought out. Worse, it wasn't even wise.
However, Jason thought the action was quite ingenious at the moment of execution.
He reached under the steering wheel and pulled out the cables.
Not a second later, the Batmobile crashed into a wall.
Jason had probably been unconscious for a minute at most, but his skull was pounding and he could hear birds singing.
He struggled out the door and staggered. It was a miracle he didn't fall, and a good thing too.
Jason hadn't just driven the Batmobile into a wall, no, he had driven it into a titanium barrier from Ace Chemicals.
The good news was that the new barrier worked fantastically and would withstand multiple trucks (and you needed that in a city like Gotham).
The bad news was.
"I wrecked the Batmobile," Jason muttered, stunned.
He could only look at the pile of debris that had once been a beautiful black hood.
"Batman's killing me!"
"Jason," Tim called out excitedly.
Jason turned around. His family ran toward him, worried.
And already he was being pulled into a hug by Dick.
"Are you okay?", Nightwing sounded close to tears.
I guess that was better than being yelled at for just putting his life in danger.
"Yeah," he said honestly, then, returning the hug. Dick had certainly been worried to death when he'd heard the explosion. Bad memories and all.
"Good," Nightwing agreed before letting go of Jason.
His big brother threw his arms up in the air and yelled, "I won!"
Groans rang out and Jason saw green.
It probably didn't need to be said that Alfred banned vigilante capture for all futures on the very same day.