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The Wet Bandit

Summary:

The Noise tries to pull a little prank on Peppino in the middle of the night by turning all of his faucets on!

Sadly for him, it goes horribly awry when he finds out about Peppino's new house guest.

Notes:

(See the end of the work for notes.)

Work Text:

*CRASH!*

 

The Noise flipped into the dark pizzeria through the now-broken window. He would've worried about Mr. Gay Spaghetti chef waking up, but if that doofus saw what he was doing, that would make it even funnier!

 

"Now where is it..." he slinked through the pizzeria, trying his best to make out where the restrooms were in the pitch-blackness. Not that it would matter much, he had all the time in the world on his hands! To piss off your enemy, you must first know your enemy, and Noise knew very well that Peppino was the heaviest sleeper in all existence!

 

*WHAK!*

 

Noise stopped as he hit his face against something. It wasn't a wall, no. It felt too... soft. He leaped back, doing a few flips midair before landing on the counter, right next to the cash register. There was no way Peppino was awake, so who was this? Gustavo and his Stupid Rat didn't hang out here at night, they had their own crib! So who the heck-

 

"Pizz-aaaaaaaaaa..." the thing in front of him drawled, two beady eyes glowing in the dark as it turned to face The Noise. Wait a sec, he recognized this guy! It was that fool that thought he was Peppino!

 

This is perfect! he thought, deviously rubbing his hands together.

 

"Yo Bruno!" Noise yelled, catching the attention of the creature. It flipped on the lights to get a better look at him, revealing its full form. Its arms were lanky and stretched, its head flipped around a full 180 degrees. Noise decided to ignore that as he pulled a bottle of white "liquid" from his pocket.

 

"You want some milk?" he taunted, shaking the bottle in Bruno's face. The creature just cocked its head, its tongue darting out to lick its eye like it was some kind of lizard. It let out a low grumble, sending shivers down Noise's spine.

 

"WEE-OO!" Bruno blared, voice the perfect imitation of an air raid siren, "Intruder alert! Yellow spy in the base!"

 

"Yo shuuuush!" Noise slapped it in the face, a decision he would regret in 3... 2... 1...

 

Bruno shrieked, head flipping upside-down as about five extra arms jutted from its chest, grabbing the Noise by all of his limbs (the fifth one grabbing an extra painful "limb") and pinning him to the wall. Its mouth widened to be double the size of the Noise, its pizza-breath staining the sinuses of his victim.

 

"Yo Bruno! B-Buddy!" Noise tried to save face, "I'm sorry for intrudin', but that's just because I wanted to... try that delectable PIZZA of yours..."

 

"Rerkly?" Bruno croaked, head instantly shrinking back to its normal size.

 

"Y-Yes," Noise winced, "Really."

 

"Wa. Hoo!" Bruno's head flipped back to its position, its extra limbs retreating back into its body.

 

Noise gagged as he flopped to the ground, cursing under his breath at the beast as it went to the kitchen to start up the oven. Taking his chance, Noise rushed into the restroom. Instead of trying to escape, however, he just went around the restroom, turning all the faucets on as he cackled maniacally. Peppino would surely be pissed about THIS one in the morning! It was-

 

Noise felt a small hand grab his ankle, looking down to see that one of Bruno's arms had slunk its way under the bathroom door and grabbed his foot.

 

"Oh fuck me-"

 

Noise was whipped out of the bathroom, flying into a chair at the counter. As he righted himself, his nose instantly caught the scent of something horrendous. Looking down at the counter, he could see what it came from, and it wasn't pretty.

 

"Tropical!" Bruno exclaimed, wide grin on his face.

 

It was a pizza with WAY too much cheese, totally not enough sauce, FUCKING PINEAPPLES, and RAW fish! The fish was even covered by the steaming-hot, perfectly melted cheese, how the actual fuck was it RAW?!

 

"It's not that bad..." Noise tried his best to look like he wouldn't rather throat a cactus than eat the abomination before him.

 

"Eattt..." Bruno's head was right next to The Noise's ear. Is it possible to taste sound? Cause whatever the hell he was spouting sure as hell made Noise feel like his tongue was burning.

 

"F-Fine..." Noise took one lick of the pizza, then instantly ran for the restrooms. His stomach felt like it was going to leap out of his body and eat him, it tasted so bad. As he ran, he barely made out the sounds of his feet squelching in the water-covered ground as he rushed to the restrooms.

 

"Get me the hell outta here!" he shouted, swinging the restroom door open.

 

In an instant, a giant flood of water rushed out of the restroom, lifting the Noise off his feet and out of the building. Shaking his head and puking a bit of the water out, he could see that the entire pizzeria had been flooded.

 

"YES!!" he celebrated, "Eat THAT, Peppino Spaghetti! How the fuck are ya gonna make a pizza if it's all WET!?"

 

"I dunno, Noise, how will I?"

 

Noise froze, slowly turning to see the fat Italian man towering over him. Seems that getting flooded out of your bed wakes a guy up, who knew...

 

"H-Hey man... we can be civil-"

 

"Civil THIS!"

 

*WHA-POW!*

 

With a single swift arm motion, Peppino uppercutted The Noise so hard he flew off through the sky and out of sight. Rubbing his shoulders and cracking his neck, Peppino sighed as he looked back at his now-flooded pizzeria.

 

"Weeeeeee!"

 

Looking down, Peppino could see Bruno slowly approach him, being carried on a small current of water like it was a lazy river. It sat upon a circular pizza tray, sitting like a frog as it spun slowly away, carried by the water.

Notes:

Spinning Fake Peppino go weeeeeeeeeee

*Low quality Funiculi Funicula starts playing*