Chapter Text
Carina didn’t know how much time had passed since… since the accid- no, it was not an accident. It had been completely intentional; it was meant to hurt and destroy and kill. It had been an act of hatred and ignorance. An act of violence. And it had shook Carina so much that she didn’t even know how long ago it had occurred, how many minutes, how many hours since she saw two of her colleagues being the targets of such hate.
It all happened so fast and even though they were all in shock, freezing was not something they could do. They didn’t have the luxury to stop and process their feelings. Doctors needed to act. Put themselves together, save lives and then they could crumble, after everyone was saved, when there were no longer lives on their hands and only then, they could fall apart.
Carina had delivered a baby, something she does every day, but the circumstances of his birth, of little Connor’s birth, were not happy and joyous as they should be. They were painful and scary. Those were the times, the very few times, when Carina disliked her job. Never hate, but strongly dislike. There was nothing to hate when she was helping bring life into this world but she could surely dislike it when they forced her to do it under such horrible circumstances.
Being paged just a few minutes after she and Dr. Montgomery had stabilized Connor –there were no words for how much she respected and admired Addison for stepping in despite being injured herself– was kind of a relief because they didn’t give her time for her feelings to sink in. If she stopped moving, her mind would start racing and she couldn’t afford that, not yet.
However, pretending to be fine for the sake of her new patient, reassuring her and her partner, telling them that nothing was wrong and that the lockdown was just in case, keeping a brave face… it was hard. But she had to do it.
Carina didn’t even let her guard down when she saw Maya. Her Maya –yes, this was her Maya, she wanted to believe so–, who looked sweaty and had smudges of dirty all over her beautiful face, her Maya who had clearly rushed from the station’s last call to go see her, her Maya whose breath was shaky and her voice was breaking when she found her. Yes, Carina didn’t let her guard down… she couldn’t. She sounded cold even to her own ears but if she allowed herself to feel Maya’s worry and love, she wouldn’t be able to continue working and her patient needed her. The hospital needed her, they needed every single OB right now.
Finally, she delivered that baby, it was relatively fast and a thousand times easier than the emergency c-section she had performed just a few hours ago. The look on the woman’s eyes when she held her baby for the first time was marvelous and the reason why she decided to be an OB, to witness the most magical moment in a woman’s life –as long as that’s what they wished for, of course.
And then, Dr. Altman approached her and updated her on Tia’s and her baby’s conditions and told her to go home and Carina was so tired she didn’t even argue. She took a detour, stopping by the NICU to check on baby Connor and then to the ICU to check on his mom but didn’t disturb them, she only needed to see they were okay. And they were. When she finally made it to her office to grab her stuff and get changed, she was surprised to see Maya there. She didn’t see her at first because the blonde was sitting on the couch with her head hanging low, elbows on her knees on the far end of the couch. Carina squeezed her eyes shut, trying to make sure her brain was not playing games with her, and when she opened them up again, Maya was still there but this time she was holding her head up, her beautiful orbs visible to her.
Those ocean eyes she loved so much were staring at her, glossy, clouded with worry and sadness but also so full of love and warmth.
“Hi,” Carina finally spoke.
“Hi,” Maya repeated, slowly getting up. She exhaled shakily, looking at her shoes for a second before her eyes moved back up to make contact with her wife’s cinnamon eyes. “I-I’m sorry for coming into your office without telling you. Bailey said it’d be fine but I should’ve asked you.”
The doctor slowly shook her head and licked her lips before speaking. “No, uh… don’t apologize, it’s fine.” There was silence for a few seconds that felt like forever. “Shouldn’t you be back at work?”
Maya lowered her gaze again and stared at her hands as she inadvertently started to play with her wedding ring like she usually did. “No, I asked the chief to be off shift before coming here.” Carina was surprised by the revelation. Diane had basically told her that Maya’s priorities had changed, that her job was not her first priority anymore but it was different to hear about it and to actually see it. “We didn’t get to talk earlier and I really wanted to make sure you were okay.”
Carina almost scoffed. She was not okay. She actually was very far from okay. But if she admitted it to Maya, she would break and she really didn’t want to. Carina wanted to get to her hotel room and cry on the bathroom floor alone, where no one would see her.
“I’m here.” The Italian replied. Like being ‘here’ was synonym to being okay because she couldn’t say that word or her voice would crack.
“You’re here,” Maya said, taking a small step towards her wife. “But I… Seeing you is not enough.” She bit the inside of her bottom lip and looked down again for a second, steeling herself to say what she was about to say, getting strength to hold Carina’s gaze. “I need to touch you. I need to feel you so I can convince my brain that you’re okay because when I heard on the emergency channel that some doctors had been hit by a car in the reproductive rights clinic, my heart stopped for a second. My body froze, my lungs burned, I…” She stopped herself before saying she almost fell to her possible death because she didn’t want to worry Carina anymore. “And I ran here as soon as I could, to see you and hear your voice, make sure you were okay but my brain is having a hard time believing my eyes and ears so I need to hold you in my arms to convince it you’re okay.” She swallowed so hard Carina heard. “And I know you asked for space several times but… I really need this.”
Carina remained silent. She didn’t know how to respond to that. Both her brain and her body were exhausted even if her heart was screaming at her to move.
Maya’s features fell at the lack of answer but she decided to push her luck a little more, speaking again. “And… I’m sorry for ever making you feel this way too.”
The Italian’s bottom lip started to tremble so she had to bite it to make it stop. Maya was sorry for making her feel that way. Like a tiny part of her broke every time Maya went to work. Like her chest tightened so hard she couldn’t breathe until Maya came back. Like her heart dropped to her stomach every time she saw the news describing a big fire. Carina was not a fool, she knew exactly what she was getting into when she started dating Maya. She knew what she signed in for when she said ‘I do’ at the altar. Maya risked her life to save others and Carina could never resent her for that fact. But it didn’t make it any easier.
She slowly nodded, looking at her wife up and down, noticing how tense and stiff she looked, her body betraying her by showing her anguish plain as day.
“Okay.”
The word was whispered so low that Maya only knew she spoke because she saw her lips move.
“Okay?” The blonde asked, waiting for consent but still taking one step forward.
“Okay.” Carina repeated a little louder but didn’t make any moves. She would let Maya do it.
And Maya did. She took a step and another until she was face to face with Carina, feeling her hot breath on her lips as only a couple of inches separated them, eyes glued to Carina’s. She lifted her hands from her sides and hovered over the brunette's hips for a few seconds before finally placing them with a feather like touch. She couldn’t feel the doctor’s warmth as her lab coat and scrubs didn’t let her so she gently dug her fingers in the softness. Then, she slowly moved them up until she reached her waist and pulled her a bit, their noses practically brushing against each other. Maya snaked her arms under Carina’s until one was circling her entire frame and the other was going up, fingers tangled in the Italian’s brown locks as she guided her head to rest on her shoulder. Maya buried her nose on her wife’s neck, taking in her scent, finally feeling her warmth like she hadn’t in so long –the last time she held Carina, when she was taking care of her, she kept her distance a little because Carina told her she felt gross from throwing up so much so it wasn’t the same– and she felt at peace. She felt like she could breathe again. She felt whole. But then she felt Carina’s shoulders shutter and her arms –which had remained at her sides– were now surrounding her as Carina held onto her for dear life. Maya heard the sobs coming from her wife right on her ear, she felt the tears dampening her shirt and Carina’s nails digging into her back as she clinged to her, sensed the vibrations from her cries on her chest which was pressed as close as humanly possible to the doctor’s.
Carina finally broke but Maya was there, holding her together.
Carina wailed into Maya’s shoulder for a long time and the blonde could only hold her tighter every time a new cry left her lips.
“I’m here.” Maya whispered, daring to speak, risking ruining everything or saying the right thing in the right moment. “I’m not leaving… not unless you want me to.”
“Never.” A hoarse whisper came from Carina. “I never want you to leave. Please, don’t leave.”
“Then I’m never leaving you. I promise. And I know I’ve broken my promises before but… no more.”
Maya lowered her arms so she could pull away and be able to see Carina’s face. Her eyes were red, her cheeks were raw as hot tears kept falling down and her lips were cracked but to Maya, there was no one more beautiful than this woman. The blonde’s own eyes were swimming in tears but she didn’t let them fall. She needed to be strong for Carina just as Carina had been strong for her in the past.
‘I love you.’ Maya wanted to say. She was desperate to say it. But this moment was no longer about her and she wouldn’t make it about her.
The blonde gently wiped her wife’s tears away. “Thank you. For everything.”
Carina didn’t answer, not with words at least. She closed her eyes and pressed her forehead to her wife’s, giving her a silent ‘thank you’ while tightening her hold around the blonde once again. ‘Thank you for coming’.