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Eddie came home exhausted from the shift before. It had been one of these days where the bell kept on ringing, even though most of the emergencies weren‘t as serious, mostly minor injuries and accidents. He had tried to take a little nap between some of them, but rest had been cut short when his mind, too tired to fight the images his imagination conjured, kept spinning around something that had been keeping him awake for a while now.
Ever since he had started working on being more open about his emotions and repressing them less, he had some interesting realizations. Lots of them had to do with the feelings for his best friend, Buck. For example, his attraction to men or the fact that whatever he had tried to make work with Ana had been doomed to fail from the beginning.
It had taken some time then, from the first time he had told Frank about those feelings to the first time he had come out to someone else.
It had been on a shift, when Hen, Chimney, Buck and him had watched Bobby cooking them some lunch and the mood had been relaxed and casual.
„So, I don‘t want this to be a big thing-“, he had started.
„Oh, an announcement!“, Chimney had interrupted him excitedly.
„Ssh, let the man speak“, Hen had calmed him down.
Buck had just sat there, looking at Eddie expectantly and encouraging.
„So, as you know I‘ve been working on some things in therapy and well- I might have had some realizations. One of them being that I‘m gay.“
He had released a big breath then.
Hen had hugged him first, then Buck, who had been sitting right next to him and had squeezed him tight, whispering „I‘m proud of you, Eddie.“ It had made Eddie’s heart make a big jump at that moment.
Chimney and Bobby had added encouraging words, patting his shoulder, and then the conversation had quickly changed to some other topic. He was thankful for that.
Now, Eddie let himself fall onto his couch. He wanted something to distract him from the way Buck had looked today in his turnouts, the tight shirt and covered in sweat, so he turned on the TV to fill the air with some noise.
It didn‘t really work though. Frustrated, he started scrolling through his phone. The icon of the App store kept tempting him, until he finally gave in. He typed into the search bar and clicked the second result that appeared. Two minutes later, a dating app targeted specifically to queer men was asking him for his name and some nice pictures of himself. He chose three he liked and started typing his bio. What was he even looking for, he wondered. A quick hook-up to finally experience what it was like to sleep with another man? Someone to just talk to about coming out in his 30s? Or a serious relationship?
He didn‘t know for sure. All that came to his mind when he thought about the last point was, for many parts, something he already had with Buck. Or something he wished he could have with Buck, but knew it would never be. It couldn‘t.
After coming out, he had hoped that anything in Buck‘s behavior would indicate a change, something that told him that maybe he had feelings for Eddie, too. But he had just been the same as always, not really affected by Eddie‘s coming out, it seemed.
It was time for Eddie to move on. He swapped through the profiles, looking at all kinds of pictures and descriptions. He didn‘t really see himself casually texting a guy to just have sex, not talk much, and then never see eachother again. Although some of the pictures he saw made him reconsider. One guy had posted a picture of himself in the gym, his shirt pulled up to reveal his abs and the tattoo that spread from his waist to his thighs, disappearing under the hem of his gym shorts. His hair was a dark blonde and a cheeky smile laid on his lips. Eddie swapped right after staring at him for a while. Only then did he realize who this man reminded him of. He sighed.
He matched with several guys, and some of them messaged him instantly, asking for what he assumed was a quick hook-up. He had to google some of the abbreviations they used just to make sure.
But other guys seemed to be interested in actually getting to know him. He started writing back and forth with a man who had posted a picture of himself with his german shepard puppy in front of a workshop. He had a cute smile, muscular arms and strands of blonde hair peeped out under the black bandana. His name was Aaron, he seemed really nice and Eddie started to feel hopeful that this could really get somewhere.
Before he went to bed, they had already agreed to meet this friday.
----------
The next day, after their shift, Buck came home with Eddie for dinner. Christopher was already home, thanks to Carla, who had picked him up from school.
„Hey buddy!“
„Buck!“, the boy cheered when he came out of his room. „Are you cooking tonight?“
Eddie sighed, playfully pretending to be insulted. „Are you still not satisfied with my cooking?“
„Noo“, Chris giggled. „But Buck told me he got a new recipe from Bobby he can do now.“
„You want me to cook that for you some day?“, Buck asked, his eyes shining.
„Yes!“
„Alright then, Chili à la Bobby for the Diaz boys it is, then!“
With that, Buck tousled through Chris‘ hair, grinning at him like he would move mountains for him. And Eddie knew he absolutely would. He couldn‘t help the smile that formed on his lips.
The evening was spent cooking and eating together, making plans for the weekend and listening to Chris‘ stories from school and about the science project he needed some materials for.
At some point, Chris announced he was going to his room. His friends were waiting online to play some video games together.
„Good night, Christopher," Eddie said, giving him a kiss on the head.
„Night, buddy“, Buck said, doing the same.
„Good night!“
With that, it was only the two of them left in the kitchen. Which meant Eddie could finally talk about what he had been wanting to tell Buck the whole time. He was a little nervous telling him, since it was really the first time since his coming out they would talk about it.
He noticed Buck looking at him, as if he was guessing something was up.
„Buck, I wanted to ask you something," he started.
His best friend‘s eyebrow darted up expectantly.
„Sure, Eddie. What is it?“
„So, you know how I haven‘t really dated… anyone. You know, since Ana. Since coming out.“
„Yeah, I guessed as much.“
„Well, I want to.“
Buck‘s mouth fell open slightly, an unspoken question on his lips. So Eddie continued.
„And I know this is probably ridiculous, but I started writing with someone on a dating app.“
„Oh.“
Eddie couldn‘t help but imagine a hint of disappointment in Buck‘s voice. But maybe that was just his wishful thinking. He was sure of it. More likely, he was just surprised Eddie hadn‘t told him earlier.
„It hasn‘t been long, really“, he tried to reassure Buck.
„But uh… you like him?“, Buck asked, leaning forward.
„Yes, I think. It‘s really hard to make that judgment from only texts, but I guess that‘s what dates are for. To find out.“
„You want to ask him?“
„I already did. And he said yes.“ Eddie grinned.
„Really? That‘s awesome, Eddie. I‘m happy for you.“
“Thank you, Buck.”
“So, when is it?”
“This friday. Would you watch over Chris that night?”
“Of course.”
—--------
Friday night came quickly, and Eddie was getting a bit nervous. It had been a while since he had been on a date and never before had he gone out with another man. What were the rules here? Were there any different ones than with women? And how would the other man react when he realized Eddie had never been with a man before?
Eddie reflected back on his life before his coming out. He had loved Shannon, maybe not in the way that she needed him to, but they had shared so many important moments together. They had Christopher, and Eddie couldn’t imagine anything more important than that.
But he wondered if he had missed out on something. If there was anything he couldn’t catch up on at this point in his life.
When Buck arrived at his place, he noticed Eddie’s nervousness.
“Are you alright, Eddie? Worried about tonight?”
“Uhm, yes, a bit. It’s probably stupid though.”
“No, I’m sure it’s not. What is it?”
“I- I’ve never been with a man. And I... don’t have all that experience. I couldn’t even say out loud that I’m gay until some weeks ago.”
“Hey, hey, Eddie. Look at me”, Buck said, laying a hand on Eddie’s shoulder, “You’ve got nothing to be ashamed of. You are brave and you are confident, and there is no right or wrong way to do any of it.”
“You tried out so much, Buck. You seem like you’ve got nothing you’ve missed out on, and you say you’re happy with what you’ve done, but is there anything you think you might have wanted to do, but didn’t?”
Buck grinned. “You mean with men? I think I did a lot of things with men and would like to do some other things I haven’t.”
Eddie stared at him. That was certainly not how he expected that conversation to go.
Buck continued. “Sorry, you’re being serious and I’m making a joke about being bisexual. I’m sure there is something for everyone they’ve not tried out but would’ve liked to, but that’s okay. You’re not anyone else, Eddie. You and whatever experiences you may have or not are enough.”
Eddie swallowed. “Thank you, Buck. It means a lot.”
His friend hugged him tight.
“I didn’t know you were bi, though”, he added quietly.
Buck looked at him with raised eyebrows. “You didn’t? Oh.” He scratched his neck and looked at Eddie through his eyelashes. “Well, now you know.”
Eddie chuckled, looking down at his feet. He couldn’t believe he hadn’t known that about Buck, but really, it made a lot of sense.
“Alright, have fun then, Eddie,” Buck cut through the awkward tension. “I don’t want to make you late for your date.”
After that, Eddie said goodbye to Christopher and was out of the house quickly.
He took an Uber to the restaurant where he was supposed to meet Aaron, letting his mind wander on the ride there. What had just happened? What did that mean for everything he thought he knew?
He was there before he could find an answer.
Aaron was waiting for him next to the entry wearing a pair of black jeans and a dark red shirt. His blonde hair was put into a loose bun and he was wearing a long earring at one side. Eddie didn’t remember what side was supposed to mean what.
They greeted each other with a shy hug, then Aaron led the way inside the restaurant to find their table. They ordered wine and laughed about Aaron’s clumsy pronunciation together. It broke the ice, made everything feel a bit less serious.
Aaron was funny, he really was. And he listened to Eddie talking about Chris, and he shared some endearing stories about his nieces, too. It’s only when more and more stories about Chris started to include Buck - or rather, they seemed to be incomplete without him - that Eddie tried to hold back a bit. He wasn’t sure what Aaron might think about his relationship to Buck. Sure, they were best friends, but how could he possibly deny that for a long time, he had hoped there could be something else too? He still did.
Aaron started talking about his work, and it helped Eddie to get his mind away from Buck for a short time. It helped that he didn’t have to talk about his own life for a moment. The handsome man in front of him told him about one of his current projects, a van he was fixing up to travel around with. He was so passionate about it and Eddie couldn’t help but smile. His hand was lying on the table between them, relaxed beside his wine glass, and Aaron slowly started to move his own towards it when he saw Eddie smiling. It felt nice, Eddie didn’t mind.
In the back of his mind, a memory of Buck came to the surface, of the many occasions he had told Eddie about his travels and the different jobs he had taken. He thought back to their conversation from before. Something about it… but he couldn’t point his finger on it.
“So, I wanted to ask, and I’m sorry if this might come across as a bit… direct, but I just wanted to make sure. Have you ever been in a relationship with a man?”, Aaron interrupted Eddie’s thoughts.
“No, actually.”
“Ah,” Aaron nodded, as if that explained something to him. Which didn’t make Eddie feel any less nervous.
A relationship.
With a man.
Buck had never been in a relationship with a man. Not a serious one, at least.
Was that what was missing, what had been missing the whole time? Buck had told so many stories about people he used to sleep with or date casually while traveling around and before he was with Abby, but it dawned on Eddie now that for many of them, he hadn’t actually used any gender specific language. Which meant he might have had lots of experiences with men… just not a serious relationship. Was that what Buck would like to do that he hadn’t done before?
“Oh”, he said out loud.
He had missed it. He had thought Buck didn’t have the same feelings for him as Eddie did for Buck because there never had been just one moment when Eddie could have seen a change in his behavior. He hadn’t seen a change that might indicate interest after his coming-out because it had always been there, slowly forming around him. With himself right in the middle, he couldn’t see what was right in front of him the whole time.
It nearly knocked him off his seat.
“I- I have to go”, he said, standing up way too fast. His head felt like it was spinning.
“Hey, I’m so sorry for- I didn’t want to put any pressure on you. It’s all fine, I promise. I’m so sor-”
“No, no, it’s not that, I just realized something. And I’m sorry for wasting your time, really.”
Aaron sighed. “It’s that best friend of yours, isn’t it?”
Eddie swallowed and nodded.
“Good luck, then.”
--------
Eddie closed the door behind him. Before he stepped into the living room, where he knew Buck would be waiting, he let out a big breath of air. A wave of emotions swept over him, joy and excitement and a tint of amusement over having been so blind this whole time.
When he found Buck on his couch, he couldn’t help but grin at him like a love sick fool. Of course Buck was here. He always was, and it made Eddie feel warm and fuzzy inside.
Buck frowned and smiled back at him, seemingly confused.
“You gotta help me out here, Eddie. On one hand, you’re walking in here all happy, on the other hand, you’re walking in here at-”, he checks his watch, “half past nine. So how did your date go?”
“Good, actually.”
“Oh.”
“Not because of the guy I was with. I just had some realizations,” Eddie smirked.
A spark appeared in Buck’s eyes at those words. “And what were those?” Both hopefulness and vulnerability lay in his question.
“That I won’t find what I want in someone else when I’ve already found it right here a while ago. But maybe I was just not brave enough to show it. Maybe that made me blind, too.”
Buck looked at him in awe, standing up now.
“Eddie. You are the bravest man I’ve ever known.”
“So, then there’s no point in holding back?” Eddie took a step forward.
“No. I think you’ve just opened their eyes, too. About what’s possible. They can- I can see it now.”
Buck’s face was shaped by the softest, most loving expression Eddie had ever seen.
With two steps, he covered the distance between them, took Buck’s face in his hands, and kissed him. And Buck wrapped his arms around him, welcoming him home.
It felt like the first sunshine on a summer morning, like the stars aligned to the places they were always meant to be. Eddie’s heart was safe now, moved into careful, loving hands.
“I love you”, he said, covering Buck with kisses in between words.”I love you so much, Evan.”
“Eddie”, Buck whispered with a smile on his lips, “I love you, too. Like crazy.”
With that, they melted into each other again, their kisses only interrupted by the giggles they couldn’t hold back anymore. Eddie felt like he might explode from all the happiness around him, and the love spreading through him with everyone of Buck’s touches and words like a heartbeat.
Their future looked beautiful, and it started with Eddie gently pushing Buck on his couch to tell him all about it in every way he could.