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Bokuto had a lot of trouble with mood swings. He was aware of this, and he knew that everyone else was too. He heard the way they joked about it, teased him about it, and while he would usually be right there with them, laughing at himself when he was on one of his upswings, this time it just felt… different.
It wasn’t that he was mad about what they were saying, at least, he didn’t think so, but the way their voices rang in his head had set something off in his brain. Their voices mixed with the squeaking of sneakers on the gym floor and the ball hitting the ground and someone taking a drink and it was all just too much . He tried to steady his breathing but before he could finish the count to breathe in, someone bumped into him and something in Bokuto’s brain just snapped .
“Stop!” He cried out, his voice nearly cracking as he slapped his hands to his ears. A silence spread throughout the team as everyone looked at him, waiting, watching. God, that was almost worse.
Bokuto was no longer standing. He had crouched down and hunched over himself, pulling at the hair around his ears as he desperately wished that he was anywhere but where he was, that this had happened at any other time.
Part of him was aware that while seemingly the entire team had taken at least a couple steps back during his outburst, someone had stepped closer. If he opened his eyes he would likely be able to see their shadow on the ground next him, would be able to guess who it was, but he didn’t need to. The soft footsteps that stopped just in front of him, the gentle fingers that removed his own from his hair, it couldn’t have been anyone else. “Come on, Bokuto,” Akaashi said, just above a whisper. “Let’s go outside.”
Bokuto stood up slowly, his legs shaking only slightly. His breathing was still jagged and he didn’t have the energy to respond or look anyone in the eye, but he followed his friend as he led him out the gym doors into the cool autumn breeze.
For the first time, possibly ever, Bokuto felt embarrassed standing in front of him like this. Even though Akaashi had seen him do many things over the two years they had known each other that would probably keep other people up at night with anxiety, this was new to him. He wasn’t uncomfortable being vulnerable with Akaashi, but he had never broken down like that in public before. He felt… ashamed.
“I’m sorry..” he mumbled, still not quite meeting the others’ eyes.
“You don’t need to apologize,” Akaashi said. There was a brief pause before he added, “I’m going to tell you something that I want you to consider, but you might have to take a minute to process it. Is that alright?”
Bokuto drew his eyebrows together in confusion as he looked up at him, but nodded slowly. He had no clue where this was going.
“I’m autistic.” Said the younger teen.
“I know,” Bokuto responded, unsure what it had to do with anything at that moment. The two of them had had this discussion before, back when they had first met and he had made a comment about Akaashi’s flat affect.
“Right. And I think that you might be, too.” If it was even possible, Bokuto’s eyebrows furrowed even further.
He took a moment to consider the thought, but it didn’t make a whole lot of sense. Why was he bringing this up now? “What do you mean?”
“I mean,” Akaashi paused, fiddling with his fingers like he usually did whenever he was thinking something over. “I’ve noticed that we share some traits that I know I have because of my autism.”
“Like what?”
“Irregular volume was the first one I noticed. You’re very loud, and I mean that just as an observation. I know you have trouble realizing how loud you’re being, just like I have trouble realizing how quiet I am.” What Akaashi said was true. Bokuto could recall numerous times he had gotten in trouble for being loud when he wasn’t aware of his volume, and he knew that often he would have to ask Akaashi to repeat himself or speak up, but he never really considered why.
“There’s also your stimming,” he continued. “You bounce a lot and repeat words or sentences when you get excited, and when you’re nervous you run your hands through your hair or tap hard against your chest. I’ve even seen you repeatedly refasten your knee brace when you’re anxious.”
“Doesn’t everyone have stuff like that, though?” Bokuto asked. He genuinely thought those habits were normal. Everyone in his family did stuff like that, and he’d seen his teammates do similar things, too.
“To a degree, but the reason I brought it up is because of what happened today.” The realization slowly dawned on Bokuto.
“Sensory overload,” he said, proud of himself for remembering the term.
Akaashi looked at him with a small smile. “Exactly.” The smile faltered and fell from his face as he went on. “Bokuto, I don’t know if you were aware enough to notice, but I wasn’t there when it happened. Coach came and got me when he realized you weren’t responding to him.”
The older teen shook his head. “No, you were there. You had to have been. You were right next to me a minute later.”
“I had to grab something I left behind in class. I was on my way back when he came to get me. Bokuto, when I got to the gym you had been crouched on the floor for close to ten minutes.”
He shook his head again. “That can’t be right..”
Akaashi took a deep breath and Bokuto mirrored him out of habit. “I wanted to bring this up because that wasn’t just a mood swing. I’m fairly certain you had a meltdown triggered by all of the noise.”
For a few moments, neither of them said anything. Bokuto drummed his fingers against his thigh as he let the information wash over him. He had only ever witnessed someone else having a meltdown once, but he remembered the way Akaashi had described it to him afterward. Maybe he was right.
“Will you..” Bokuto paused, struggling to find the right words. “Will you help me figure it out? If I really am autistic, I mean.”
Akaashi gave him a soft smile, one that had only ever been reserved for him. “Of course I will, Bokuto.”
The older nodded definitively. With his signature grin back on his face, he said “I think I’m ready to go back in now.”