Work Text:
Don't you move
Can't we just stay?
Can we start over?
Don't fade away
'Cause you'll always have a place in me
You'll always have a place in me
Place In Me, Luke Hemmings
In the days following the return of Kreacher - half-dead - to Grimmauld Place, Regulus had been busy. He was healing and researching and planning, all in the hopes of keeping his mind occupied - trying desperately to ignore the one intrusive thought that never went away. That he was going to die. Regulus Arcturus Black was likely going to die in a few short hours, and he would never have the chance to tell the one person who meant the most to him just how much he loved him. And so, with the few remaining hours of Regulus’s far too short life, he convinced himself that one final letter could do no harm.
And that is how Regulus found himself sitting at the large mahogany desk in his room, the parchment in front of him blank, his right hand shaking, and his breath trembling.
Darling,
I’m not sure you’ll even read this, and I wouldn’t blame you - not after all I’ve done. And I know I’m writing this much too late, but there is so much I haven’t said and there's so much I want to say - I need to say - to you. I think I’m going to die tonight, James, and I need you to know all of what I’ve done and even if you don’t ever read this, I hope it will bring my soul some peace.
I’m so sorry for every time I’ve let you down. You always thought so much of me, you saw so much good in me - good that I couldn’t see - and while I tried to live up to your ideation, I think I was destined to always fall short. I hope that through what I can only assume will be my final act, I will have made you proud.
I suppose I should start at the beginning - or the end as I have always viewed it - the day that Mother sent me the letter, telling me of my fate. I felt sick to my stomach as soon as I had read the words, I knew what would happen once you knew. Because you are so good James, too good for me and too good for this world, and how could you stand by as I did something so completely not good? I told you that I wouldn’t turn my back on my family and that I couldn’t run away for you. That was the first time I lied to you. I wish so desperately that there’s a world out there where that was a possibility for me and I did escape to your home, but unfortunately, that world is not this one. I hadn’t done as they wished - if I had denied them and run away - they would never have accepted it. Losing Sirius was one thing - they had a spare - but losing me? The Noble and Most Ancient House of Black without an heir? That could never happen. And I knew that if they dragged me back it would be hell, and it would surely be death if they managed to get their grasp on Sirius once again, so I went along with their plan. I’m sorry for lying to you but I knew it would be the only way for you to let me go. You would’ve held onto the sliver of good that was forming inside my soul - the warmth that you had sparked - and you wouldn’t have let go. And I wasn’t going to drown you with me.
I can’t tell you everything, because if you knew everything you’d be in danger, and that's the one thing I can protect you from. But this is it. This is me trying to do at least one good thing in my life, even if it kills me. I’m sorry I wasn’t braver. I’m sorry I wasn’t everything you wanted me to be. I’m sorry that I let you down.
I die with the hope that in another universe - one so incredibly different from this one - that we can have a chance to start over. That we could be happy together - that I would be braver and good and actually deserving of you. That maybe I’d finally be brave enough to tell you how much I love you. I’m sorry I never told you that in person - that I never told you how much you mean to me.
I love you, James Fleamont Potter. You will always have a place in me, in my life, my soul, my very being.
Yours,
RAB
(James couldn’t bring himself to read the letter for several weeks and almost burnt it multiple times. After reading it, he broke down. It was the first time Sirius saw him cry.
When James faced death 2 years later, his last thoughts were of Regulus - because of course they were, how could they not be? He thought of that first night in the Astronomy Tower, and how even then he knew there was something special about him. He thought of the many nights spent in the Room of Requirement, how he wore down Regulus’s cold exterior and pieced back together his soul. He thought of that last night they spent together, how broken he had felt, how something so good had shattered him completely. He thought of the last time they spoke, how he said the only thing he couldn’t possibly mean - because of course he forgave him, it wasn’t possible for Regulus to do anything unforgivable. The last thought in James Potter’s mind on the night of October 31st, 1981, was that he loved Regulus Arcturus Black with every fibre of his being.)
(There were no witnesses to the tragic death of James Potter to record his final words, but if there had been anyone there, he whispered “Don’t you move, my love. Can we start over? Cause you'll always have a place in me.”)