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Another day, another vigil by Buck’s hospital bed. More waiting with the loud sound of the breathing machine that is currently keeping Buck alive.
Since that night time started to pass in slow motion. He’s not living, he’s merely surviving.
But as the time keeps ticking, the machines keep working and Buck, stubborn as ever, still has his eyes closed, and the fog in Eddie’s mind started to recede and the numbness to fade.
Without the constant haze in his head came emotions Eddie wasn’t ready to deal with. He was prepared for the fear and hurt. The pain was a given after seeing Buck hanging from the ladder, probably dead even before Eddie was on the floor after the lighting struck.
Eddie had thought about that a million times already. How Buck was already dead by the time he could scream his name for the first time. How he was screaming after a dead man but he just didn’t realize it. He had no way of knowing Buck was no longer alive.
He thought about how he fled the ambulance once they arrive at the hospital and took over CPR.
Not even in his worst nightmares he imagined himself having to force Buck’s heart to beat again.
So yes, he was prepared for the pain, but he was not ready for the anger.
There was this rage inside of him, but the worst of it was the resentment he felt every time he looked at Buck and how ridiculously fragile he looked.
How fair was it for Buck that Eddie was angry at him because he was struck by lightning? It wasn’t. It wasn’t logical, Eddie knew that, but right now he wasn’t thinking, he was just reacting.
Reacting to the waiting, to the not knowing, to the hushed conversations with the doctors. The same ones who keep saying it was just a matter of waiting. The machines are doing the work but now is up to Buck to come back to them. Just like Christopher asked him to do.
How foolish he was when he thought the mere presence of his son would bring Buck back to him. This wasn’t a movie or a telenovela. But with God as a witness, he would give everything he has to see Buck’s eyes open in a dramatic over the top way.
Instead, all he has was bad coffee, grey walls, Bobby’s silent prayers, a parade of tired faces, and his own unshed tears.
Because if Buck was going to be a stubborn jerk and who refuses to wake up, he can be even more stubborn and will not let himself cry over his best friend. Not yet.
So, the tears may be put on hold, but the anger was still there, waiting to come out, making it impossible to be in the same room with Buck and physically painful to look at the man who is like another parent to Christopher. The one who is unmoving in a bed, not being able to breathe by himself.
Watching Buck with a tube down his throat was making him hard to breathe. With every movement of the machine, less oxygen he felt in his own lungs.
He needed to get out of here. But the waiting room wasn’t far enough.
He needed to leave the building. Maybe the city. Any place where he can run away from this burning rage he felt in his chest, the same one it wasn’t letting him breathe.
He walked as fast as he could without running. Every hallway was longer than the other. With eyes open but without really seeing. He didn’t know if anyone saw him but he didn’t care. He needed to get out of there. He desperately needed to put some distance between him and Buck.
Once outside he noted it was already dark. The few stars that survived Los Angeles pollution mocked his breathless being. People coming and going. A city that never really stops.
How? How can everything be so painfully normal outside when the love of his life is dying in the building he’s purposely giving his back at?
He can’t be here. He can’t stay still. He can’t be with Buck. He can’t watch him die.
He needs to get away.
“Eddie. Stop”
So his frantic gateway didn’t go unnoticed. And of course, it didn’t. He knows what he looks like, and is not like people are subtle when they give him those looks full of pity and sympathy. Dark circles under his eyes, a dishevelled appearance, and he was always worried, always frowning. Those who don’t know him probably think he's there for his dying wife. Again.
“Hey, I won’t ask how you doing. But give me something here Eddie. We all know you’re not okay. What’s going through your head?” Bobby was right. That would have been a stupid question, but probably the one with the easiest answer. He wanted to know what was going on in his head and that’s such a complex answer that Eddie froze for a second.
True. The last thing he wanted to do now was talk, but all this was killing him and he knew he needed an outlet, and punching someone in a parking lot was not gonna do it. So he took a minute to calm himself down. Breathe in. Breathe out.
Bobby took his silence as him turning him down. “Look, if you don’t want to talk to me, that’s okay, but please don’t bottle up what you’re feeling. Talk to someone”. As Bobby was starting to walk away, Eddie used his hand to stop him. If he wanted to talk, then that’s what they are going to do. He just needed to find the right words first.
He took another deep breath.
There was no turning back now.
“This is not fair, you know? – he started– I did the work. I was supposed to work on myself and then things will get better. I was ready. I was finally ready to tell him and now, look where we are” – Bobby looked as if he was trying really hard to understand what Eddie was saying. Grasping it but not quite there yet, so he kept going– “I’m ready and now we don’t even know if he’s gonna wake up. What am I supposed to do with all this? I was ready for him, for us. And now he’s gone”.
“Hey!” Bobby looked surprised and even a little hurt. “He is not gone. He’s right there fighting to come back to us?”
Bobby’s harsh tone made him feel a little ashamed. He knows is the anger talking. Is the sense of loss bleeding through his words, tainted them. Is the immeasurable sadness that is threatening to consume him whole.
But all the fight he got in him was lost when he looked into Bobby's eyes. It was a mirror of his own sorrow. He may be feeling the agony of losing a partner. Bobby was going through the torture of losing a son. Again.
With no anger, all he was left with was deep bone exhaustion and the overwhelming feeling of hopelessness.
He sat on a bench and put his head on his hands. He didn’t notice he was shaking.
“I’m tired Bobby. I’m just so tired. I look back and everything is so clear. How didn’t we see it before?? Why did I wait this long? I went to therapy, I finally got to a place where I could start asking the right questions, you know? Chris is older, I have a good relationship with my parents, and I basically have all the ingredients to have a happy life. I have a good job that I love, I work with people who are my family and I have Buck… I have Buck,” he repeated almost to himself, as a silent and frustrated prayer for the wasted time and the future he may no longer have.
“I’ve known for months.” Eddie smiled sadly, staring at a car in front of him. Avoiding his captain's eyes. “I’ve known for months that I’m in love with him”.
If he was looking, he would have seen the shock on Bobby’s face, and how he was trying really hard not to say anything in case Eddie decided he said too much. Having Eddie trust him with his feelings like this was special and a privilege. His words would only break the moment.
“In therapy, I started to really know myself,” Eddie Kept going. “And even when I was scared about the outcome Frank keep pushing me to dig deeper and soon enough I was questioning my entire life. My relationship with Shannon, all the relationships I ever had. How nothing ever felt right, like something was missing, and how every single time I dove into a relationship for the wrong reasons. Whether it was because I was on the football team, because there was a child on the way, or because it was time to move on. Not once I was with someone because I wanted to. There was no chasing or embarrassing flirting. No anticipation, no excitement. If I have to be honest, I don’t think I’ve ever been in love… until now”.
“Buck once told me that the universe was screaming at me and I refused to listen. Well, I did. I did listen and what good did that do? He’s not going to wake up just because I'm in love with him”. The anger was back. And now Eddie was angry at Buck for making it so hard not to love him. Angry at the universe for not screaming louder and at himself, for loving Buck so devastatingly hard and unfairly quiet.
“I’m ruined. He ruined me and he doesn’t even know it.” His voice cracked at the end. He had so much pain inside looking for a way out. They say ignorance is a blessing, but for Eddie ignorance was the key to a life sentence without Buck, where he was condemned to only imagine, over and over again, what could have been but never had the guts to grab for himself. A life sentence of missing, wanting, loving, and grieving.
He was furious because he spent his entire life following somebody else’s wishes, somebody else’s orders and the one time he realized he wanted something for himself and himself only the universe dared to take it away from him.
“I said that I’ve never been in love, but... I was so damn blind that I didn’t realize that I’d been in love for years.” He looked at the sky as if the stars could give him answers, guidance, or a sign. Like if out there was the courage that he lost somewhere between the bullets in the desert and the therapist's office.
“I know he loves me,” he took a deep breath as the tears finally started to fall. “I know that is not a one-sided love bullshit. He loves me, probably even more than I love him. After everything he’d done for me and Chris… it's so obvious and I still didn’t see it. And the way he looks at me? Even in pictures! He always has this soft look on his face, like he’s trying to capture the moment in his head because he can’t believe how happy he is.”
Bobby looked sadly at Eddie’s broken smile.
He’s very familiar with the look Eddie is describing. Is the same way Athena looks at him, the same eyes Hen gives Karen, and, is the same one Eddie gives to Buck.
People may laugh at Buck when he starts with his endless trivia knowledge, and even some could be annoyed, but every time that Buck looks around to see if someone was paying attention, he will always find Eddie’s eyes, open and trusting. He’ll be listening with genuine interest and a soft expression on his face, and Buck will give him a small smile in return before he continued with his rant.
So yes. Eddie is right. Buck loves him too, a little too much and impossibly deep because that is Buck being Buck. When he loves, he gives everything, even if it means there’s nothing left for himself. But once again, it was not the time or the place for his words. The last thing Eddie needed is to hear an “I told you so” or a confirmation of all the time they lost and the missed chance of a life together.
So he kept silently listening to Eddie.
“You know, when I realized I was in love with him, I just knew he loved me too. It was like someone took the veil from my eyes and I could finally see our love as what it was, a fucking love story we built for years –he laughed bitterly- and I should have gone to his place to kiss him like in a telenovela, but I decided to wait. Why? Why wait? All sounds so stupid now”.
The anger was back. Again. All the missed opportunities. All the almost confessions, the almost dates, were mocking him from the rear-view mirror of his life. He stood up. His frustration not letting him sit still anymore.
“I convinced myself we had all the time in the world and I wanted to be better for him. More therapy, maybe plans for a grand gesture as he deserves because he's usually the one planning and giving everything. So it was time for me to step up and treat him like he deserves. And I took all the time in the world because I thought to myself ‘What’s the rush?’” he said in a mocking voice. “We are firefighters for god’s sake! We both have been on the brink of death more than once. What was I thinking when I thought we had time?” Eddie was visibly upset. Walking from one point to the other, using his arms as he talked and occasionally covering his mouth with one of his hands.
Whatever control he had over his feelings, he was about to lose it very soon.
“I’m not saying us being together would have prevented this shitshow, because, c’mon’, stroke by lighting? Who would have thought, huh? Leave it to Buck to have the most unlikely thing happen to him. So, yeah. He may still have been struck by a fucking lightning, but at least he would be there, lying in a hospital bed knowing he is loved by me”.
“He knows Eddie.” Bobby tried to reassure him.
Eddie’s face hardened and with his voice impossibly harsh he answered Bobby. “No, he doesn’t. He may think he does but I never told him so he doesn’t, he doesn’t know I’m in love with him, and I need him to wake up to tell him because I refuse to do the whole bedside love confession. I won’t”.
“Maybe he needs to hear it.” He knows what Bobby’s doing. He's trying to calm him down and give him hope. Because maybe Buck does need to hear those who love him but he can’t do it. He won’t.
“No. Buck has spent his entire life feeling he needs to be useful or needs to be hurt to get people's love and attention. I’m not giving him a bedside confession to perpetuate that.”
“That’s good thinking”
“I know him, Bobby. If I do that, he’s going to be fine at first but then he’ll start to overthink everything, and gonna be spiraling because of it, and I rather him not to. I love him too much to do that to him.”
“We need to believe he’s going to be okay, Eddie.” Bobby’s pleading tone brought back the tears. They needed to believe. But was he asking? Reassuring himself? Expecting for Eddie to just get over his sense of dread and believe things are going to be okay when a part of him is already mourning the love of his life?
God, he wishes he could just run and tell Bobby to leave him alone with his pain. Instead, he decided to be honest.
“I know. Is just that I’m so angry and scared. And I hate that I love him so much. I know is not his fault, but he is breaking my heart,” he sighed tiredly. “And I’m so scared that if he dies now, all this rage is not going to go, and years from now all the love I have for him is gonna be nothing but hate.”
Bobby got closer and gave him a side hug. “Eddie, don’t say that. I know you are feeling a lot right now and everything is very confusing, but I can assure you that you’re incapable of hating him. You may be mad at him now, and even madder at yourself, but you could never hate him. You love him too much to do it, and besides, Christopher wouldn’t let you.”
Eddie needed a minute to put himself together and undo the knot in his throat. He concentrated on his breathing and the solid presence of Bobby by his side. Not wanting to startle his boss, he asked quietly. “How are you so calm about all this?”
Bobby laughed short and deep. “I’m not, kid. I’m just waiting to be alone to cry and have my chance to hate the world”.
Eddie didn’t know if Bobby was joking or not. He never asked but had a feeling that he wasn’t.
Bobby stood up and look expectantly at Eddie, who remained seated. “C’mon, let’s go see him. Whatever answer you’re looking for, you’re not going to find it in this parking lot.”
“I can’t Bobby.” The older man let out a deep sigh. He knew Eddie was scared beyond belief and forcing him to face Buck’s mortality was not the right way to go. He could hear Buck’s voice in his head telling him ‘Eddie’s special cap. You can’t force him.'
“It’s okay. Take all the time you need. I’ll talk to him for the both of us”
“Thank you. Call me if anything changes”
“Of course. But for the record, I know things look bad right now, but I trust that boy and I’m sure he’s going to come back to us.”
“I really hope you are right”
“I am. So you better be preparing a love confession better than any telenovela”. Or a eulogy, Eddie thought bitterly.
He watched as Bobby got into the building, through the same doors they are not allowed to cross after an emergency, the same ones all of them crossed that night when they handed Buck’s body to the hospital staff.
With a heavy heart and a clenched jaw, he tried to control his breathing in a useless attempt to stop his tears from falling again.
Now that it was all out in the open there was no need to restrain himself.
Once more he found himself picturing life without Buck. He could feel how dark and miserable his life would be like, with only Christopher as a faint light in the middle of the emptiness that Buck will leave behind.
How can he leave him when they love each other this much?
It was not fair. Life wasn’t fair. How he wishes the universe will stop talking altogether. Nothing good comes from listening anyway.
His anger was making him lie to himself again. Buck would scold him and explain why is important to listen to the universe. But Buck wasn't here.
“See this? This is me listening. What are you going to do now, uh?” he asked no one, as he started to walk away from the hospital, but he didn’t make it too far because his phone started ringing - “Bobby”-.
The universe screamed the first time and he didn’t listen.
The universe had to scream a second time, louder than thunder for him to pay attention. It took a while but he got there.
Eddie finally took in what the universe was saying and was rewarded with a second chance to love and be loved by Buck.