Chapter Text
Yoongi has barely had enough time to process what was told to him over the phone just moments ago when the knock on the door comes. With unsteady legs, he walks over and opens it. Outside stands two police officers, one of them is holding a small child in her arms. She silently hands over the bundle of blankets while her partner does the talking. Yoongi isn’t registering anything of what he’s saying, his head full of static. The officers quickly realize this and excuse themselves. Yoongi numbly shuts the door again.
He sits down on the couch with the bundle still in his arms. The child – Hoseok – is barely a year old but still Yoongi can see so much of his brother in him. It makes tears spring to his eyes. He will never see his brother again. This child is the only remainder of him. Yoongi bites his lip hard to stop a sob from escaping. Hoseok is sleeping and Yoongi doesn’t want to wake him, doesn’t have the emotional or mental capacity to care for a crying child right now. Or in general.
This couldn’t have happened at a worse time in his life.
He wants to scream at his brother for doing this to him. How could he? How could he just disappear from Yoongi’s life like that and leave Yoongi to care for his son? He isn’t capable of taking care of a child. What was he thinking, making Yoongi the one to get custody over his child if something were to happen to him? What was the universe doing, taking his brother away from him too early?
Yoongi can’t keep the sobs in any longer but he tries to make them as quiet as he can. He sits there, cradling Hoseok’s small body in his arms, his tears falling onto the blanket wrapped around him. They don’t stop. He sits there for what feels like hours, silently sobbing.
At some point, he must have fallen asleep, because he wakes up to Jeongguk stroking his hair. He’s crouching in front of the couch – Yoongi doesn’t remember lying down. Hoseok is still cradled in his arms but now he’s awake, staring up at the two unfamiliar faces in front of him. Yoongi has only met Hoseok a couple of times before, but he’s still so young that it’s not surprising that he doesn’t remember Yoongi.
Jeongguk has a strange look on his face as he eyes the child hesitantly. His hand is still stroking Yoongi’s hair and Yoongi revels in the feeling a little longer.
“Hey.” His voice is hoarse from all the crying. His face feels swollen, too. He probably looks a mess.
Jeongguk shifts his gaze to look at Yoongi and smiles, his expression softening.
“Hey, yourself. What’s going on?”
Yoongi shifts so he’s sitting up on the couch and Jeongguk sits down beside him. His hand finds its way back to Yoongi’s hair and he plays with the short hairs at the base of his neck. Yoongi takes as much comfort from him as he can as he looks down at Hoseok. His wide eyes look back at him. Those eyes, they’re his brother’s. A lump forms in his throat and he swallows past it with difficulty. Yoongi offers him his finger to hold and Hoseok grabs onto it with surprising strength.
“Hyung?”
Yoongi clears his throat and blinks back the tears. His eyes feel crusty from his earlier crying session and his cheeks are stiff from the dried tears. “This is Hoseok, I think I’ve told you about him.”
“Yeah, he’s your brother’s kid. Why is he here?” There’s worry in his voice. He can probably tell from Yoongi’s state that something is wrong.
Yoongi swallows thickly. “My brother, he’s–“ He can’t say it. He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath.
“Oh, hyung,” Jeongguk says and his voice breaks. He pieced it together by himself. Good, then maybe Yoongi never has to say it out loud. Jeongguk brings his arms around him in a sideways hug. “I’m so sorry.”
They stay like that for a while, until Hoseok starts getting fussy in Yoongi’s arms. Yoongi is suddenly made aware that Hoseok is a living human being with human needs such as feeding and changing. He doesn’t have the money for that. How is he supposed to care for a child as a trainee?
“Hyung.” Jeongguk is looking down at Hoseok with a frown. “What are you going to do?”
The question is pretty vague but Yoongi thinks he can guess what Jeongguk means: what are you going to do with the child?
Yoongi sighs, the weight of the world settling on his shoulders. “I don’t know.”
⋆⋅✧⋅⋆
As it turns out, caring for a barely one-year-old child who’s just lost his parents is harder than Yoongi could’ve ever anticipated, and he anticipated that it would be hard. Hoseok is constantly fussing, never satisfied with anything Yoongi does for him or gives him. He throws his food on the floor, throws a tantrum every time Yoongi changes his diaper – which makes a horrible task that much worse – and he never wants to sleep through the night.
Yoongi is running on a maximum of two hours of sleep every night and his patience is getting thin.
He told the company his situation and they told him that if he wants to stay on as a trainee he needs to make sure to handle the situation and show up to practice. Yoongi isn’t sure what they meant by that, but they gave him a week to figure it out.
Jeongguk isn’t much help in taking care of Hoseok, but Yoongi wasn’t expecting him to be. This is Yoongi’s situation to deal with, after all. He can’t just expect Jeongguk to step up and become Hoseok’s second care-giver, especially since he is a trainee himself.
Yoongi spends the week the company gave him deep in thought and, at the same time, doing everything he can do to keep Hoseok satisfied, well fed and happy. The last point is the hardest to attain. Hoseok clearly misses his parents. Yoongi understands, he misses them too. But he can’t just tell Hoseok about the accident, he’s too young to understand the concept of death.
Some nights he lays awake wondering if it wouldn’t be easier to just give Hoseok up. He could call an orphanage or social services or something. He could give him up and go back to being a trainee. He’s so close to achieving his dream, why would he stop now? But then he looks at Hoseok, sees those big familiar eyes, the smile – on the rare occasion Yoongi manages to get one from him – that resembles his mother’s so much. The small dimples poking into his cheeks whenever he purses his mouth. Everything he is is a combination of two of Yoongi’s favorite people and if he gives that up, he might as well forget them completely.
One day, toward the end of the week, Yoongi caves completely.
He is at the table sitting beside Hoseok who is in his high chair. Someone in the building had donated it along with a few other things when they heard about his situation and Yoongi will forever be grateful to them.
It’s lunchtime and Yoongi is trying to get Hoseok to eat. Feeding time is always something Yoongi dreads because more often than not over the past week, the food has ended up on the floor instead of in Hoseok’s mouth. But today seems to be different.
He scoops up some of the canned baby food he’s suddenly found himself in need of on a spoon and flies it through the air towards Hoseok’s mouth. He makes accompanying airplane noises because that’s what he’s read on the internet that babies like and he’s desperate. Hoseok giggles and opens his mouth for Yoongi to place the spoon on his tongue. Well, that’s a first. Hoseok closes his mouth around the spoon and when Yoongi pulls it out, it’s empty. Hoseok swallows his mouthful and opens his mouth again, asking for more.
Yoongi stares in disbelief, not daring to celebrate too early in case he jinxes it. He obliges and gives Hoseok another spoonful. And so it goes until the plate is empty. Yoongi sits back in his chair and marvels at the breakthrough. Hoseok lifts his arms toward Yoongi, asking to be taken out of his chair. Yoongi does, cleaning him off and then walking with him to the living room. He’s accumulated a few second-hand toys for Hoseok to play with and he goes to set him down among them. But Hoseok clings to him, refusing to be put down.
Perplexed, Yoongi keeps his hold on him. Hoseok circles his small arms around Yoongi’s neck and hugs him, pressing his nose against the side of his neck. Yoongi carefully sits down on the couch with him. His small puffs of breath hits Yoongi on the neck and it tickles but he doesn’t dare move, fearing it will cause a breakdown. He’s falling asleep against Yoongi’s shoulder.
“Yoyo.”
Yoongi barely dares to breathe. Did he hear that right? Did Hoseok just call him Yoyo? He must have heard Jeongguk saying his name – which hasn’t been a lot lately since Yoongi has barely seen Jeongguk at home all week, which says a lot since Yoongi hasn’t left home all week.
“What did you just say?” He doubts Hoseok understands what he’s saying but he has to ask anyway. All he gets in response is Hoseok’s even breathing as he falls asleep.
There’s no way he’ll be able to give him up now.
⋆⋅✧⋅⋆
Yoongi takes the first chance he gets when he sees Jeongguk at their dorm. He’s barely been home at all, just coming by quickly to shower or change or eat. Yoongi doesn’t know where he’s been and he doesn't appreciate the silent treatment. None of this is his fault.
“Hey, can we talk?” he says when Jeongguk walks into their tiny kitchen. He came home a while ago to take a shower and change clothes, and Yoongi anticipated he would grab food too so he’s been in the kitchen waiting.
“Sure, what’s up?” Jeongguk opens the cupboard and takes out a cup of ramen, then turns on the kettle to boil some water.
“It’s important, will you sit down, please?”
“Give me a moment.” Jeongguk doesn’t look at him. He finishes making his ramen and sits down in front of Yoongi. “What do you want to talk about?”
“I think you know,” Yoongi says, giving him a look.
Jeongguk sighs, putting down his chopsticks. “Alright, let’s talk about it.”
“Can you please be mature about this?” Yoongi asks but it was the wrong thing to say.
Jeongguk scoffs. “What, like I’ve been acting childish?”
“Yes, actually, you have been,” Yoongi snaps. He’s already losing his patience and that is something he never does. But this past week has really worn him down, both mentally and physically. He doesn’t have much left in him.
Scoffing a second time, Jeongguk looks away and scowls at the wall.
“Just say it.”
Jeongguk looks back at him, eyebrows still furrowed. “What?”
“I know you have things you want to say to me, so just say them. Let’s get it all out now.”
There’s a pause where Jeongguk looks around. “Where is he?”
Yoongi knows that he knows Hoseok’s name, but doesn’t bother commenting on it. “He’s sleeping, so keep your voice down.”
Jeongguk looks at Yoongi for a moment. Yoongi looks back, no matter how intense Jeongguk’s gaze is, how fire-y hot with anger it is. This isn’t the Jeongguk he knows. He wonders where he went wrong.
“You’re not keeping him are you? You said the company gave you a week. I assume they meant for you to get rid of him.”
Yoongi’s breath catches in his throat. That’s heartless. “What the fuck, Jeongguk.”
Jeongguk’s eyes widen when he realizes how Yoongi took what he said. “No, wait. I meant, like, give him up or something. Give him away. Whatever. Not, you know, kill him.”
He whispers the last two worlds like they shouldn’t be said out loud, and they shouldn’t. Yoongi’s heartbeat slows down somewhat, but what Jeongguk actually meant isn’t much better.
“That’s what I wanted to talk to you about.” Jeongguk nods to show he’s listening. Yoongi is a little scared to deliver the news. He has a feeling Jeongguk won’t take it well. “I’m not giving him up.”
“What do you mean?” Jeongguk frowns like he actually doesn’t understand the words Yoongi just said.
“He’s my family, Jeongguk. I can’t just give him away. Who knows where he’ll end up? What if some horrible people get him? I don’t want him to grow up in a bad household.”
“And you think you’ll be able to provide him the household he deserves to grow up in?” Jeongguk sounds skeptical and Yoongi can understand where he’s coming from.
Yoongi isn’t exactly in the best situation to care for a child, financially. Which is why he needs to find a job as soon as possible lest he ends up having Hoseok taken from him anyway because he can’t take care of him.
“Yes,” Yoongi answers, determined, because he needs Jeongguk to see that he’s serious about this.
Jeongguk stares at him in disbelief. His ramen sits in its cup in front of him on the table, soggy and abandoned.
“Believe me,” Yoongi continues, “this decision was not easy for me. I’ve agonized over it for an entire week while you were off doing whatever.”
“For your information, I was at practice. Where you should’ve been. You’ve missed a lot. You’ll need to work twice as hard to catch up.”
“Why are you lecturing me like you’re my teacher?” Yoongi fires back. Then he shakes his head. “That’s not important. Jeongguk, I’m not going back.”
“What? Why not?”
Yoongi leans back in his chair and frowns at Jeongguk. Why isn’t it clicking for him? Must Yoongi spell it out for him to understand?
“Jeongguk… I can’t possibly take care of a child and be a trainee at the same time.”
“So, what,” Jeongguk says slowly. “You’re quitting?”
Yoongi nods. It hurts to admit, especially to Jeongguk. They’ve been through so much together to get to where they are and now Yoongi is just going to throw it all away? He hopes he’ll be able to forgive himself for this one day. He also hopes – desperately – that Jeongguk will forgive him too.
“You can’t be serious. You’re really gonna give up your dream that easily? Our dream?”
This decision has been anything but easy for Yoongi. If only Jeongguk knew of the many sleepless nights where Yoongi would sit awake and think. Go over every possible scenario ten times in his head to find a way to make this work. Every single one led to the same outcome; he knew he had to make a choice. And that choice was probably the hardest thing Yoongi has ever done. Just last night he cried himself to sleep, mourning what he knows will never come true.
But he’s doing it for Hoseok, and that in itself is some comfort. It has to be, or Yoongi doesn’t know how he’ll manage.
“Things change, Jeongguk. Sometimes life changes and you’ll have to make the best of the situation.” Yoongi is trying to be reasonable. He’s spent a week arguing with himself over this. He doesn’t want to argue with Jeongguk, even though this whole conversation has been one big argument.
“Bullshit,” Jeongguk spits. His eyes get a glassy look to them, shining brighter than usual under the shitty light in their kitchen. “That is such fucking bullshit. You’re just using this as an excuse, aren’t you? You don’t want to do this anymore and saw the perfect opportunity for an out when that child got dropped on you.”
Now he’s just being childish and bitter, and throwing baseless accusations at Yoongi. Yoongi fights to hold his tongue. Would prefer if this doesn’t turn into a screaming match.
“Why do you think that?” He tries hard to keep his voice level.
“Stop it. Stop trying to be kind with me right now, acting as if you give a shit about what I think,” Jeongguk says harshly, but still his voice wavers ever so slightly.
This is getting out of hand quickly. Yoongi isn’t sure what to do or say to calm Jeongguk.
“I do give a shit about what you think. Jeongguk, you’re the most important person to me. Please, you know how hard this is for me.”
Jeongguk is full-on crying now. Big tears roll down his flushed cheeks. Yoongi aches to reach out and wipe them away, to hold Jeongguk close to him, comfort him. Something tells him Jeongguk would push him away if he tried.
“If I was the most important person to you, then you wouldn’t do this to me,” Jeongguk sobs.
“Do what?” Yoongi keeps his voice gentle but that only seems to agitate Jeongguk more.
“Leave me! You’re leaving me.”
Yoongi’s heart drops to his stomach. So that’s why he’s getting so defensive; he thinks Yoongi is breaking up with him.
“I’m not leaving you, Jeonggukie. I would never leave you. Just because I’m quitting being a trainee does not mean I’m breaking up with you.”
“I don’t believe you.”
Yoongi is starting to feel a little desperate. He didn’t anticipate this to be the direction their conversation would take when he started it. Tears prick at his own eyes. He isn’t entirely sure how to get out of this situation.
“I love you, Jeonggukie. Please.” He’s begging now but he can’t even care.
“If you love me then prove it by giving Hoseok up.”
Yoongi can’t even be happy that Jeongguk used Hoseok’s name. What he said makes bile rise in Yoongi’s throat. He covers his mouth with his hand and looks at Jeongguk through his tears.
“Don’t do that. Please, Jeongguk. Don’t.”
“You said it yourself: you made a decision to quit training. Now make another one.” He wipes his tears harshly with the back of his hand, glaring at Yoongi.
He’s completely serious. That’s what gets to Yoongi the most. He’s completely serious in wanting Yoongi to choose between himself and Hoseok. One person he’s known since he was a child himself and loves so dearly, and, the other, someone he’s just bonded with and can see himself raising. It’s not fair.
“That’s not fair,” he mumbles, barely finding his voice to get the words out.
Jeongguk stands up suddenly, his chair screeching against the floor, and Yoongi flinches. “Do you think this is easy for me? Huh? Hearing you saying all that shit about quitting your fucking dream for a child you’ve known for a week. Like are you even listening to yourself right now? Do you know how ridiculous you sound?”
His voice raises with each question he lays on Yoongi and Yoongi loses it. He stands up to match Jeongguk, leaning his hands on the surface of the table and looking straight at him.
“Well, if you would just stop for one second and actually think about my situation, maybe you would understand. But no, all you’ve cared about the past week is practice. You’ve barely been home and when you are you don’t even spare me a look. It’s like I’ve been invisible to you. Do you hate me that much for taking in a child? And not just any child, mind you, but my nephew! Because my brother fucking died and left me to take care of his child. Do you know how much I’m hurting? I’ve barely had any time to grieve because I’ve been too busy trying to keep a small child alive and where have you been? Not fucking here!”
He screams the last part, letting out all his frustrations that have built up over the past week. It felt good to get all that out. He takes a step back, panting from barely taking a breath during the entire duration of his spiel.
Jeongguk stands back, staring at him in shock. Yoongi isn’t the type of person to raise his voice, especially toward the people he loves, so, the fact that he spent an entire minute yelling at Jeongguk, understandably calls for shock.
Then the floodgates open and Jeongguk falls to the floor sobbing.
“I’m sorry. Hyung, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry..”
He keeps repeating this, over and over. But Yoongi is tired, and it’s not a physical tiredness. It sits deep in his bones, squeezing his lungs and weighing down his body. He walks right past Jeongguk and in the direction of his room, where Hoseok is. At some point during all the yelling, he woke up and started screaming his small head off. Yoongi goes to him and sits down on the bed. Hoseok has been sleeping on the bed with Yoongi since he can’t afford a crib, and Jeongguk hasn’t been sleeping here all week anyway. To make sure Hoseok doesn’t fall off the bed, he stuffed pillows and blankets under the mattress on the side Hoseok sleeps on.
Now, Yoongi climbs over the makeshift edge to get to Hoseok. He scoops him up in his arms and holds him tight against his chest. Hoseok clings to his shirt for dear life, his screams turning into sobs and then slowly into hiccups. Yoongi lets his own tears fall free, sobbing into Hoseok’s hair.
Everything hurts so bad, he falls apart a little more with each sob.
When he walks out into the living area a while later, Hoseok still in his arms, the apartment is empty. Jeongguk is gone.