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“Yeah, fish magnetism research is incredibly important right now my guy, we’re revolutionising the industry. Doesn’t harm the seabed at all and you can just schlorp the fish you want straight out of the water as long as you set the master fish magnet to the right frequency.” Taako nodded sagely and took another swig of his secon… vth free glass of fizz, but truly who was counting? Not Taako, that’s for sure. Weddings were all about love baby, love, free tiny fancy drinks, and getting to say absolute bullshit to strangers because anyone that would actually try and stop him was too busy being gross somewhere else.
“That’s fascinating, Greg, how do you get the magnets in the fish?” Hurley’s third cousin twice removed was eating this up and Taako was thriving. He loved to perform, was the thing, and an hours long secret audience participation improv show? That was tap shoes, baby, and Taako was dancing.
“Well, that’s a great question, Max, not everyone would think to ask it. We actually use laser darts!”
“Laser darts?” Max leaned forward, enthralled. Of course he was, Taako was at his loom weaving laser magnet fish blankets for everyone.
“They’re really small magnets, you see, tiny, but they’re super powerful. Have you heard of keyhole surgery?” Taako waited for Max to nod his affirmation. “Well, we’ve got this robot submarine with a laser powered blowgun…” Taako was rudely interrupted by the announcement that the dining room was finally ready. He promised Max that he’d definitely finish explaining later and was gathered up as the hungry mass of guests descended and swept them along through the doors.
–
Taako folded himself into his chair and tried not to look as sullen as he felt. He knew that they wouldn’t be able to sit the whole family together, but Taako on his own in a sea of distant relatives? Rude! Lup was allowed to sit with Barry, and Magnus and Julia were together, he checked, just so he knew how spiteful to be about it. Lucretia, Dav, and Merle were together too and Taako was fine missing out on that, but surely they could have swapped a family friend for him and allowed him some twin time? But no, apparently he was capable of handling himself, happy to be on his own, that’s Taako. Single Taako who was completely and utterly fine about it.
The scutch of strangers he’d be making awkward small talk with filtered in slowly and nodded politely to Taako as they continued their conversations. He definitely didn’t make a note of the fact they all seemed to know each other. What did he do to piss off the seating plan gods? Or, more specifically, Sloane.
The pondering ended pretty quickly when the seat next to him was pulled out and Taako turned to be greeted by a particularly delicious pair of thick, suit-challenging thighs. Taako didn’t really want to look higher, the view was great, A+ +, 10/10 no notes, but he forced himself to anyway. Gotta be polite. He didn’t regret it. Mr Next Seat Over was ‘pair of disposable gloves come with your chicken wings because we can’t trust you not to touch your face afterwards, idiot’ hot. Taako reversed the curses he may or may not have placed on Sloane and Hurley (to start from after their honeymoon, he was considerate like that). Hot boy sat in the seat elegantly and Taako resisted the impulse to engage immediately.
He resisted the impulse badly. Taako’s impulse control wasn’t great, it turned out. C- - -, in fact, but the guy sat down and didn’t introduce himself so what else could Taako do? There was a thing called manners and Taako had them. Sometimes. Probably. As long as you didn’t ask for references.
“Hail and well met…” Taako peered at the little wooden name plate Magnus had painstakingly etched everyone’s names into, oh no, that meant he had to lean in and press himself right into the man’s personal space. What a shame.“... Kravitz. What-ho!”
Kravitz, thankfully, didn’t look angry. In fact, he turned in his seat and grinned. “Ahoy-hoy.” Kravitz pretended to answer what Taako could only assume was an imaginary telephone. “To whom am I speaking?” Kravitz kept hold of the imaginary receiver and quirked an eyebrow at Taako. Oh, oh hot boy wanted to play, did he? Taako could play.
“Avast ye, matey! ‘Tis ol’ Taako from the depths of the sea, I’ve got you on my line now.”
“Sorry mate, wrong number.” Kravitz, inexplicably cockney now, hung up. “Sorry,” he grimaced to Taako, “I think that was a s-clam call, and my Mums always told me I had to hang up on those. Mind you, they also told me not to answer the phone at the table, so maybe I should have tried to counter-seduce the pirate.” He looks thoughtful for a moment, then continues. “Anyway, I’m Kravitz, pleased to meet you.” He held out a hand to shake. Taako fist bumped it, Kravitz was the best amount of hinged (un), and he didn't know it yet but they were friends now. Well, at least for the duration of the wedding. Surprise, Taako's your problem now.
“I think you were definitely speaking to a deep sea fisherdude, not a pirate. Not that I was eavesdropping, of course, just a vibe I got.” Taako wasn’t having his being on the line joke misunderstood, that shit was funny in two dimensions.
“Are you saying pirates can’t fish?”
“Woah woah, Taako didn’t level any accusations one way or the other about pirate capabilities, frankly I’m worried that it’s where your mind went - says a lot about you my guy...” Taako’s about to do a soliloquy about it when he realises that his volume has, once again, been creeping up and the assorted cousins and olds are side-eyeing them hard. “Aaaand by that I mean, what do you do for work?” Taako rolled his eyes and sat up straighterer and more boring.
Kravitz snorted and adopted a similarly formal posture. “Great and interesting question, Taako. Much more fun than pirates. I work in a funeral home and crematorium, how about you?”
“Taako’s a horse astrologer.” Said Ailena, who glanced over and then returned to her previous conversation. Well well well, if it isn’t the actions of his own consequences. Taako had not considered the possibility of people actually remembering bullshit he said, or telling other people about it. He certainly hadn't retained any of that information, but apparently they did, and now he had to deal with it because Kravitz’s eyes went all wide and he had a weird smile on his face. Maybe this dude was really into astrology?
“That’s fascinating Taako, horse astrology?" Kravitz leaned in closer and smelled good about it. All smoke and spice and fuck it was sexy when you had to get right up in someone's business to get a whiff. Maybe if he asked nicely Taako could nose his way along Kravitz’s throat, just to smell, nothing weird.
"Yuh huh, that's me, Taako the Horse Astrologer!" No horse astrologer was going to horse astrologe as hard as Taako was about to right now. He was gonna read their horsely auras if that's what it took to keep Kravitz around.
"That's… yeah, fascinating." Something in Kravitz's voice wavered slightly, but he was busy giving Taako a once over so Taako decided to preen instead of worrying about it. He spent a lot of time on this look, it was only right to have it appreciated. Taako clearly made the right choice too because Kravitz swallowed thickly, looked deep into his eyes (Taako didn't even feel that itchy about it) and said "I'd love to hear more about it."
Fuck it, that look was open season on Taako's pants and he wasn't about to object. Thank the gods he remembered to vaguely tidy his room on the off chance that Hurley had a hot cousin… or uncle… or dog walker. Taako didn't discriminate. "Okay handsome, so the first thing you need to know is that being a horse isn’t all about the frocklicking and the fancy horse dancing, they have deep needs. Deep deep needs that only the stars know about… well, the stars and me. Understanding those can really improve your relationship with your horsefriend."
"And I'd definitely want to do that." Kravitz nodded sagely. Taako had him on the hook, now he just had to reel reel reel him in.
"You see, people don't always consider the impact of sun and moon signs, but they can affect so much."
"I don't know my sun and moon signs."
"Are you a honse, friend?"
Kravitz neighed softly, it was a polite neigh but Juan still glared, Taako didn't care even a little.
"Pfft, you can't fool old Taako that easily Kravaroo. You think this doesn't happen all the time? Word of your amazing talent spreads and suddenly everyone's a horse, but…" Taako grabs Kravitz's hand and turns it palm side up. "...where are your frogs?"
"My what?"
Taako made a loud buzzer noise and Uncle Jagus elbowed him in the ribs about it, but it's too late, Taako was flying, cooking with helium! "Fake horse behaviour there, my friend. Rookie error. If you ain't got the equipment, get out of the horse box."
"I might have the equipment." Said Kravitz slyly, and wiggled his eyebrows. Taako laughed so loud and hard he earned a shush from Aunt Moira. He ignored it. It wasn’t his fault they hated fun.
"Terrible, awful, unacceptable. I'm confiscating… something from you. You don't deserve to go unpunished. I’ll figure it out. Bad bad man."
Kravitz tried to contain himself. Badly. Taako watched him lose that battle extremely quickly, he barely managed to get the words out. "You… can… you can confiscate… confiscate my pants." Taako collapsed into his side laughing. This idiot was the perfect event company.
They were interrupted by the arrival of the starter and Taako was glad to see Hurley and Sloane had taken his advice to avoid the fussy food caterer and stick with straight forward but delicious stuff instead. No one wanted wedding gels and three paltry slivers of beetroot masquerading as a salad, they wanted carbs.
The meal passed in a flurry; the speeches dragged. Taako loved love as much as the next guy, alright, he was here wasn't he? He just didn't necessarily love sitting still and paying attention for long periods of time. Thankfully a game of 'see how much contact you can make with Kravitz' kept him busy. Turned out it was 'quite a lot actually' when the man in question saw you were edging slowly closer and just wrapped an arm round your waist, pulled you in, smiled illegally fondly, and winked at you about it. Taako's favourite part of the speeches were the toasts. From his angle, he got front row seats to watch the long, inviting line of Kravitz's throat and the bob of it as he swallowed. It would be nice to plant kisses there, see what grew.
Finally, finally, the final toast ended. Taako refused to move and clapped tucked under Kravitz's awkward 'there's a strange man in my personal space but I like it' applause. They'd move them soon, the staff needed to reorganise the room again. Taako didn't know if Kravitz would take it as a chance to run so he was making the most of this while he could.
The applause petered out, but then Hurley and Sloane looked at each other with such joy and kissed again, and that meant they clapped and whooped again. The whole room was a glitter globe, flashing and sparkling because there was nothing but joy from floor to ceiling and Taako had a hot boy to share it with (for at least another minute or two anyway.)
"Right, you all need to get out of here so we can make boogie arrangements, shoo!" Sloane flapped her hands, then led the charge to the gardens.
"Where would you like to go? Shall we sit or walk?" Kravitz asked him as Taako reluctantly untangled himself so they could stand. Ha! Yes! Taako mentally punched the air, Kravitz wanted to spend more time with him. That meant he was Taako’s now, no take backsies.
"Considering it's nearly as hot as you out there, something with a lot of ice and a walk to some shade?" Istus had blessed him with seating placement, may as well see exactly how much he could push his luck, do a flirt, walk a bit more wiggly than usual, try and procure some company for a very exclusive, slightly athletic after-party.
Kravitz snorted. “Terrible, awful, I loved it. Come on then, let's find you something cool to drink before you melt. I refuse to dance with a bucket of Taako-goo.”
“We’re going to be dancing later, are we?” Taako liked the sound of that very much. “I spent too long on this look to get any goop on it, so we’d better get to getting.” He grabbed Kravitz’s hand, and pulled him towards the outdoor bar. Just so they didn’t get separated. It was sensible, this was a big wedding.
Kravitz may have muttered “I’ll remember that for later,” but Taako couldn’t be sure.
–
It was syrupy warm outside, but Kravitz was deliciously cool and that was definitely the only reason Taako had started the process of dragging him into his lap as they leaned against the tree. Not that Kravitz seemed to mind as he slowly worked his way further and further on while they talked, and boy did they talk. They ping ponged from Kravitz's secret marching band past to Taako's one man baton twirling protest against gender division at his high school; Kravitz's first car which was held together by hope, faith, and duct tape to Taako's pet crab (short-lived, he still felt bad); Taako's best (second best, but Kravitz didn't need to know that) potato salad recipe to Kravitz's Worst Ever Fight™ with his Mums (haircut related, he admitted they were right and swore Taako to secrecy on pain of death). Not that Taako would be meeting his Mums, obviously, this was, if anything, a one night stand and Taako was completely absolutely definitely fine with that.
"I see you two hit it off, Sloane thought you would." Hurley's voice cut through the moment and Kravitz bolted upright and back into his own personal space. Taako hated that, actually, so he smiled all wide and teeth and entirely natural at the brides he definitely wasn't allowed to resent on their wedding day.
"Hurley, Sloane! Congratulations!" Kravitz sounded sincere and didn't look even slightly pissed off at them as he jumped up to hug them both. How dare he just casually be a nice person and show Taako up like this? Frankly, it was rude.
"Big ups on the nups." Taako grumbled his way to his feet and doled out the hugs. There, see, he could be nice too. "Cha'boy is so happy for you." He could be so nice, suck it, Kravitz.
"Sooooo, how's married life?" Kravitz asked, far too innocently.
Sloane groaned in return. "I hate you."
"You hate that you love me."
She rolled her eyes fondly and stuck her tongue out at him. Taako wondered why she hadn't thought to mention the hot dork she'd been harbouring. They'd known each other for nearly a whole year! That had to be long enough for her to declare him, wasn’t there some kind of queer solidarity mandatory hot friend reporting system? If not, there should be.
Thankfully(?) the brides didn’t stay long, places to go, people to be fawned over by, secret corners to smooch in. But now Taako and Kravitz were standing and their glasses were empty so it seemed silly to sit back down when they could just go back to the bar. It was a mistake. Taako should have known it was a mistake, should have known it was going too well. Gods forbid the universe gave him a fucking break.
Kravitz took his hand again. “Just in case we get separated, wouldn’t want to lose you.” Ha ha, no wouldn’t that be terrible. They were halfway to the bar when a couple stepped into their path.
“Justin! Lovely to see you again. I was telling Cheuk here about your shark training business - they missed you earlier. They had some questions. I said I’d introduce you.”
Fuck. How were people remembering these conversations and why were they choosing to make them Taako’s problem? He turned with a rictus grin on his face. “Hello again. Lovely to see you, I’m afraid I’m a little busy right now…”
“So the shark training…” Cut in the person Taako could only assume was Cheuk “... I don’t think I’ve ever heard of it before, could you tell me a bit more about it?”
Taako floundered. Could he? Absolutely, yes. Should he? In front of Kravitz? Probably not.
“It’s actually part of an ecological initiative. Have you ever heard of lionfish?” Asked Kravitz. Beautiful, perfect Kravitz. “Well, they’re an invasive species and they’re wrecking the ecology of certain areas of the ocean. Justin here doesn’t like to talk about it too much because he’s so shy, but he’s busy saving the planet, one fish murder at a time.” Taako didn’t miss the stress Kravitz placed on his 'name', or the playful squeeze of his hand that accompanied it. He wasn’t getting out of this without questions.
“You murder the fish?” Cheuk sounded horrified.
“The sharks murder the fish, which, remember, are invasive.” Kravitz replied all calm and smooth and knowledgeable, defending fake Taako’s fake honour. “The sharks have never eaten them before, but T…Justin is using nature to redress the balance. His brave work means the sharks are fed and the local population of fish can continue to help the reefs thrive. It’s truly incredible.” Taako punched down the warm, hopeful feeling rising like dough in his stupid traitor guts.
“How do you do it?” The traitorous job rememberer, Arved(? Taako wasn’t great at names, okay) asked.
“Songs.” Said Taako, before Kravitz could say anything less insane.
“Oh, I’m so sorry, we have to go, I see one of our friends waving us over, lovely to meet you.” Kravitz towed Taako away so fast he tripped on the stupid safety edging that was supposed to stop you tripping on the stupid wires. Kravitz caught him, because of course he fucking did. Perfect bastard.
“Fucking songs." Kravitz wheezed between laughs once they finally stopped. "How are you singing underwater, Taako?" Thank fuck. This didn’t sound like ‘I hate you, you lying bastard and I never want to speak to you again.’ Taako opened his mouth to answer but Kravitz was speaking again. "Actually, no, first, would you care to expla…” Kravitz began, but was cut off by someone tugging on Taako’s sleeve.
“Arnold! I'm so glad I saw you again. I was wondering if you had a card? I really do think that the children at school would love a talk from a professional bog snorkeller, we’re always trying to show them the variety of careers available to them.”
“Arnold is very knowledgeable about different careers,” said Kravitz so politely… too politely, he muttered “apparently” low enough that only Taako could hear. The chickens were roosting all up in this bitch and it sounded like Kravitz had given up on helping. Time to run away from the music.
“Sorry, I’m afraid I have a paralysing fear of public speaking and I also have to go right now sorrybye!” Taako didn’t wait for an answer, just pulled his hand free of Kravitz's, resolutely didn't think about the fact they had been holding hands, and fled. Taako refused to have to deal with bog snorkelling, shark training, or being broken up with by a stupid perfect man who he wasn’t dating, didn’t even get to bone down with, and was probably going to tell Sloane about this. He shouldn’t have pushed his luck. Istus apparently wanted to make that incredibly clear. Taako speed walked past the other groups of stupid happy people doing ridiculous things like having conversations and being in love and found a wall to perch on. They didn’t even get to their drinks, so now Taako was definitely going to melt and Kravitz wouldn’t be there with the bucket and he wouldn’t get sloshed about the dance floor by the hot goth boy. He'd just be a miserable stationary puddle. Great.
“Is this seat taken?” Kravitz asked, nudging Taako’s foot with his own to make him look up. He carried two drinks and looked concerned.
Taako shook his head. “It’s open season on wall perching, grim. Feel free to plant that beautiful butt.” Taako was allowed to flirt, he hadn’t been not-broken-up-with yet.
“Thanks, I do a lot of squats for this, and the leg lifts, don’t get me started on the leg lifts.” Kravitz plunked himself down next to Taako and handed him a drink with much more ice than the one he kept. “So, which one’s true? Bog snorkeller, shark trainer, horse astrologer? Is your name actually Taako? It was on your place card, so I’m assuming so?” His voice was so soft and earnest that Taako decided to have a crack at the truth.
“The handle’s Taako, but I’m a baker, not a horse astrologer. I’m fucking baller at it too.”
"Oh thank fuck!!"
Taako had been convinced Kravitz was going to be weird about this. No, that was unfair, Taako had been weird about this and Kravitz might recognise that fact and maybe have, you know, follow up questions. "Wait, what?"
"Taako, Taako, I fucking hate horses. So much."
"But you were going to come to my love horse astrology readings, be one of the horse audience!"
"Taako, you need to understand this. I am very very gay, and you are very very hot. Also, when I did the bit you were a telephone pirate back and I don’t meet many hot telephone pirates. I don't…" Kravitz snorted out a laugh. Taako braced himself. It wasn’t going to be good. "... I don't look a gift horse in the mouth."
"Bad and terrible." Taako rolled his eyes and pretended not to be delighted. "So you're not going to run screaming?"
Kravitz looked surprised. "What? No. It's genius. But look, I think we can expand this operation - consider the shark stuff my audition.”
“Okay bones, I’m interested. Give Taako the pitch.”
“The evening guests will be here soon, and there’s so many distant family members coming, Taako, I cannot express to you how many distant family members, seventh cousins, parents’ childhood friends’ hairdressers. The world is our oyster here. So, how do you feel about being high school sweethearts who got separated due to a volcano eruption but oh look! What chance, we were reunited here today at the wedding! But wait, there’s more, it’s so sad Taako, because tomorrow you're shipping off to join a monastery, so this is our one and only night together."
"Wait, why am I leaving? Why didn't I call you? Which volcano?"
"It's “yes and”, not “here's some questions”, Taako."
"I take a vow of celibacy tomorrow.” Said Taako, mournfully. “Tonight for one night only I can fuck, but we're choosing to stay here because we love Sloane and Hurley so much. It’s hard, so hard." Taako wiggled his eyebrows.
Kravitz laughed, then smiled happily at Taako. "That's the spirit. Let's go mingle with the children of the vet that looked after Hurley’s first hamster."
–
“First thing you need to know about Taako is that he loves to fish. So cha’boy’s in the river, water up his waist, waders on - natch, and it’s been hours, hours! Not a single bite. But then, then there’s a tug on the line so I start reeling. It’s a big one, Taako knows a big one if you know what I mean, so cha’boy’s taking it slowly, making sure it doesn’t get free, but even so it’s thrashing about. Then there’s a massive tail poking out of the water and the fish is bigger than ol’ Taako, and I’m about to throw my rod and book it for shore when the most handsome head pops up and yells….”
“Let me go you prick!” Kravitz slid into the narrative perfectly, didn’t miss a beat. Taako’s heart might have, but no one had to know that.
“I believe it was “fuck off you inconsiderate prick,” darling.” Taako knows he has a shit eating grin on his face, there’s nothing Kravitz can do about any of the things he’s saying right now.
“I’m still sorry, you know.”
“I know love, Taako forgave you as soon as he saw those cheekbones.” Taako affectionately stroked a thumb across Kravitz’s cheek and was pleased to feel heat rising there. Hot boy could be flustered. “So a beautiful man pops out of the sea and Taako’s convinced he’s caught a foul mouthed merman and is about to be a bajillionaire.”
“You were going to sell me?” Kravitz said indignantly.
“Yep.” Taako popped the p. “I might still if you keep interrupting.” The crowd laughed and Taako basked in it. “Octavius here, you wouldn’t believe it, but he gets what I like to call swim rage. Totally fine on the road, but put him in the water and if he had a horn he’d never stop tooting it.” Kravitz groans, embarrassed, as the crowd laughs again, laps it up. “Taako’s still in shock, cha’boy doesn’t know what to do, but Kravitz grabs the line and yanks. Which probably would have been fine, but I was already shocked, so now Taako’s joining the fish in the water, dressed in full fishing gear. I don’t know if you’ve ever tried to swim in rapidly filling waders, but it’s not easy.”
“That was about the point where I realised that I’d probably go to jail if I killed him - despite the inconsiderate fishing, so I thought I’d best save him instead.”
“Kravitz grabbed me and swam me into shore. I was convinced at first that he was trying to murder me so I struggled…”
“... and nearly killed both of us.” Kravitz huffed.
“I stopped wriggling and let you be a hero when I realised you weren’t trying to double murder me. Thankfully the hook was still in his fin so we reeled the rod in behind us once he flopped us onto the bank. I was about to start screaming, but then he huffed out of his tail and I realised it was silicone, and clearly it was tight because his shorts…”
“Taako, you don’t have to tell this bit.” Kravitz’s voice sounded pleading. Taako decided to be benevolent, just this once.
“Good point, babe. This wedding is PG13. Let’s just say we got warmed up again.” Taako winked all big and dramatic at the group around them and Kravitz groaned and everyone laughed and he wanted to bathe in this forever.
–
They danced like they were octopuses, tentacles wafting, spinning in currents no one else was swirled by, swept along together. They tangoed inappropriately, macarena the slow dances, and swayed their way through the bops. Taako barely noticed Lup until she tapped him on the shoulder, she didn’t keep him long, just winked and dragged Barry away.
–
"It was fate, you know. I went to the custard festival by accident. A friend had a spare ticket and, well, I didn’t want them to have to go alone, so there I was, stood at the entrance, and I got a text saying she couldn’t make it. I was already there, so well, in for a penny, in for a pound…”
“...and boy were you.” Taako doesn’t even try to resist adding. Their audience giggles and Kravitz rolls his eyes so fondly, and taps him lightly on the arm. Taako can almost believe this is the well rehearsed version of how they met that they have been telling for years.
“...I was already there, so why not go expand my custard horizons? Sadly, it turned out there were a lot of reasons to support limiting your custard horizons. After the soggy popcorn situation, jalapeno incident, and the garlic one I was very ready for something much less… advanced. What do you know? I spy a french vanilla stand! I shoot over and there’s one pot left, fate, it was destined for me. So I reached out my hand to take it…”
“To steal it.” Taako elbowed him softly.
“...To take it. And lo and behold, someone else grabbed for it at the same time.”
“Taako?” Asked one of the assorted cousins.
“Taako.” Kravitz confirmed solemnly. “But I wasn’t letting go, I suffered through the spice and I deserved the vanilla. Plus, my hand was on the bottom.”
“I wanted it to be on my bottom.” The crowd ate it up again, and Kravitz squeezed him round the waist and laughed softly against his side. Taako was getting such a good grade in boyfriend.
“So I kept hold of the pot, but the strange man refused to let go either, and there we were, just holding a custard pot together. I was about to offer to share, but then he bit me.”
“As in, bit bit you?” Someone horrified in the crowd asked.
“Now I only do it if he asks nicely.” Taako generously showboated while Kravitz choked out a cough-laugh.
Kravitz unbuttoned his cuff and began to roll it up. “I still have the scar.” Said Kravitz, and revealed a small half moon of pearly marks in his forearm. Taako was grilling him so hard about that later. “Thankfully I still have the man too.” Kravitz kissed Taako on his head so soft, so tender, and Taako wondered if it was possible to become so light he floated away. He clung extra tight to Kravitz, just in case.
–
“You made these? With your meat hands?” Kravitz asked incredulously, flicking through the album Taako had pulled up on his phone. “I want to eat these profiteroles so bad right now.”
“Yup, cha’boy’s got skills, Kravino, play your cards right and I might let you have a taste.” They made a lot of eye contact about that comment.
–
“Ballroom dancing rivalry gone wrong.”
–
“I was trying to rob the bank he worked at, but he gave me his number instead of the combination to the safe.”
–
“Have you ever heard of the world tin bath race championship?”
–
“He needed 420 dick shaped doughnuts and only one baker was up to the challenge.”
–
"I'm taking point." Taako whispered to Kravitz as he saw some fresh victims approaching. He also happened to know these family members had made a lot of barbed comments about Hurley’s 'lifestyle choices.'
"Hi there." Aunt Marjorie led the charge. "I'm Margery, this is David."
"Sup!" Said Taako cheerfully. "I'm Chet and this is my friend Bob." Taako wove his fingers into Kravitz's.
"Sup." Kravitz nodded, and squeezed Taako's hand.
"You're… friends?" David asked, tentative as if asking too many questions might pop the tenuous, soapy bubble of heterosexuality they had blown around themselves.
"Oh yeah, best friends, known each other since we were boys."
"We go way back. I always love going to events like this with Chet too. He's a fantastic wingman, never go home alone when we go out together." Kravitz unlaced their hands and Taako was definitely not about to sulk about it when the hand snaked round his waist to pull him hip to hip with Kravitz. Masterful.
Taako laid his head on Kravitz’ shoulder and looked adoringly up at him, fluttering his eyelashes. Kravitz grinned, then focused back on the conversation. "Don't worry though, Chet looks after me too. He's always helping me with the ladies."
"Oh no! I'm nearly out of beer, time for a refill Bob!" Taako wiggled his cocktail glass and the remaining dregs of whatever the orange and delicious thing in it were sloshed erratically.
"So sorry we can't stay longer, it was lovely to meet you. Have a wonderful evening." Kravitz steered Taako towards the bar, and, to Taako's absolute delight, shoved his hand into Taako's back pocket (respectfully not making contact with his ass, Taako very much wanted Kravitz to make contact with his ass, or visa versa, he wasn't bothered.) He looked back over his shoulder and winked at David who looked like his entire dipping biscuit had crumbled into his cup of tea.
They approached the tree slowly, appreciated the twinkling lights which had sparked to life."I think we nailed that." Taako said. "Definitely almost thought I was straight for a moment there."
"I think heteroed too close to the sun and looped round back to gay."
"Good."
"Good?"
"Yeah." Fuck it, he's table wine and free cocktails brave right now. "Taako wants to know he has a shot."
"Oh does he now? Is he unsure if the man who has spent the evening with him, danced with him, lied to roughly forty thousand strangers with him, is interested in him?"
"Good point, improv's fourth base. Yes and-ing my way into your heart." Fucksticks. He definitely meant to say pants there.
"Hmm, if we skipped to fourth base it seems like we should probably go back and try some of the others." Kravitz's voice was low and Taako wanted to bathe in it actually, submerge himself in the rumbly goodness.
"I mean, if you want a handjob in the carpark you can just ask." Taako winked.
Kravitz's sexy demeanour completely crumbled as he laughed so hard he had to wipe his eyes. "Fuck, Taako…" Taako wished he would. Kravitz broke out in laugh disease again. "I was trying to ask if I could kiss you."
"There's no need to cry about it."
Kravitz rolled his eyes. "You're the worst. I'm keeping you."
Taako punched the feelings dough down again. He knew a one night thing when he was in it. The keeping him stuff was just an expression. Krav would be gone in the morning and that was absolutely fine, not a problem at all, he might not even stay for breakfast and that didn’t bother Taako at all. He was good out here in single town. "Do it then, coward." He didn't mean for it to come out so croaky, but that didn't matter because Kravitz was pulling him in even closer, tipping Taako's chin so sweetly with his ridiculous cold hands, and he was pressing his lips firmly to Taako's and fitting his other hand into the small of his back and stroking his thumb so gently there like Taako was precious and worth slow kisses, not hurried things in dark corners.
It had taken a few goes to separate, Taako stepping back only to be pulled immediately to Kraviz’s chest again, Kravitz lifting his head to be yanked back down by his lapels, but eventually they broke apart. Taako had meant to ask all night and forgotten, but he wasn’t getting distracted again. “Okay, second base is next. No, don't look excited, I'm not wanking you off behind this tree, Taako has declared it job-jobs not hand jobs. You know the shameful truth, bones. I’m a lowly baker not a fish juggler, what about you?”
“Yes, the terrible shameful secret that you’re capable of making delicious everything really well and showing me pictures so good I debated licking your phone. You know, as opposed to horse mediumship.”
“Astrology.” Corrected Taako. “And I can think of something you can lick, but we’re going in order, what’s your secret shame?”
Kravitz looks confused. Taako didn’t mind, hot boy didn’t have to be smart. “You know what I do.”
“Wait, wait, hold the fuck up? I get to bone the grim reaper?” Taako could not believe this. Lup was going to be so jealous, this was peak goth.
“If you play your cards right, but for now, do you think we can maybe go back to the kissing about it bit?”
Taako pretended to think about it as he pushed Kravtiz back against the tree. Hummed with indecision when he ran his hands up under Kravtiz’s waistcoat. Frowned as he brought their hips firmly together. “Go on then,” he said. Kravitz swooped. This kiss was more urgent, Kravitz’s hands were tangled in Taako’s hair pulling him closer, closer, closer, like he couldn’t get enough, like he wanted more, like he’d never stop.
Taako pulled back. “Wanna…” he gasped as Kravitz planted slow deliberate kisses down the line of his throat “... you’re a danger.” Kravitz ignored him and kept kissing. “Urgh, gross.” He said, pulling Kravitz closer so there was no risk of him stopping. “I was trying to ask if you’d like to come back to mine.”
“Only if I can buy you breakfast, and I’d also like to take you on a proper date. As much fun as I’ve had, I’m not sure this counts.”
“Guh.” Taako replied, intelligently. Kravitz wanted to stay for breakfast. Maybe Kravitz would just stay forever.
“Is that a yes?”
“No.”
Kravitz pulls back. “Oh, I’m sorry I misrea…”
“Hold up, bones. I’m not letting you take me anywhere for breakfast, I’m making it… I’ll make you lunch too… and dinner?”
Kravitz redoubled the kisses, moving up his neck and along his jaw. “Beautiful, talented, perfect man. How did I get this lucky?” Taako didn’t tell Kravitz he was the lucky one, didn’t know the words for any of it, so he kissed him hard and deep and long instead.
The cold finally chased them back inside, they danced one last dance, said their goodbyes, and slipped out into the night.
–
Loopy [07:35]
Morning Dimitri, I hear you pulled last night. Hope the new man understands the time commitments required by your pudding sculpture business.