Work Text:
“I want to become…an idol!”
Is the same shit that Cartman hears every day.
Lately, there has been a wave of obsession that South Park schools embraced for a period before just dropping it. From Yaoi arts to TikTok, not that Cartman didn’t enjoy everything, but trends sometimes get on his nerves.
And today’s trend is, unfortunately,
“Hey Kyle, I just customized my office- is that what you wanted?”
“No, Stan! The issue is not whether I wanted it or not - it’s about that being part of your mission! Now let me heart it,”
“Let you–what?”
“It’s the game’s feature! You tap this ‘heart’ icon when you visit other people’s offices to like them, kinda like social media! Hey, after I heart yours, will you heart mine?”
“Um, sure, I guess–”
“Oh, are you going to make out? That’s so gay of you two,” Cartman mocked Stan and Kyle with that obnoxious high-pitched noise “Heart to heart, that’s so romantic,”
“Shut up, fatass!” Kyle and Stan flipped him off before decorating their rooms again, tapping on those screens and making facial expressions that seemed to tick Cartman off as the latter pressed, “Soooo, what are you guys doing?”
“We’re playing Ensemble Stars! It’s a rhythm game that everyone keeps talking about. It’s pretty cool!” Kyle answered as he energetically kicked his legs when Stan hearted his office.
“Where–let me see,” Cartman yanked the phone from an annoyed Kyle before glancing at the screen showing a fully-furnished, flashy Halloween room with some strikingly bright-colored hair humans walking around like smiley robots - oh wait, there’s a frowning one too.
“What?! Kahl - this is some weeb-ass game! Did you convert yourself to be actually gay?!”
“I–No?! Nobody can convert one to be gay! It’s something that people are born with!” Kyle angrily yanked back his phone, “Besides - I only heard this game from Wendy - and then Stan told me about her playing it, and then I decided we should play it too!”
“You two sure have weird taste, but whatever,” Stan lazily commented as he moved the Tsukasa sprite next to the Hokuto sprite, then smiled to himself.
“Ugh–That game is even corrupting Stan, well, of course, it is– it’s Windy’s evil spells casting on him! Screw you guys– I’mma go confront that bitch myself!” Cartman declared before opening and slamming the classroom’s door, leaving his two ‘friends’ behind.
“...”
“...Hey Kyle, how do I see the character list again?”
“Stan! Okay, so–”
‘This is worst than I thought,’
The classroom is nothing but a place where teenagers these days fixate on their phones in their tiny little groups that are like mind-controlled scientific experiments, or so Cartman thinks. Even though his prime target is Wendy, the guy thought about making fun of them for being ‘weebs.’ At a glance, Cartman spotted (uncovered) Kenny and Butters on their phones - being happy in their little group before approaching,
“Kinny, Butters, are you guys pla–”
“Kenny, Kenny! I, uh, just got someone that I want! This card looks so pretty!” Butters shifted his phone to Kenny’s side before noticing Cartman with an ‘Oh, uh, hi Eric! You want to see it too?’
“Oho–that’s great. That’s Kanata Shinkai, right, Leo?” Kenny grinned at his boyfriend before waving hello to Cartman, who stood speechless in front of them.
“He sure is! Kanata is a fine lad. I wish, uh, I can pull off his summer outfit as fresh as his. He’s a pink card, so that’ll be swell for my team!” Butters joyfully squealed until he noticed Cartman became an immovable stone, “Oh–uh, so sorry Eric, we completely ignored ya’. What’s goin’ on?”
“You guys,” Cartman stuttered, “Seriously?! Did Windy curse you guys too?! Kinny Kinny! Talk to me!” the guy shook the hoodie-clad one below.
“Jesus Christ, Cartman–stop, stop!” Kenny pushed Cartman away, “We found this game on our own; it’s pretty popular. Leo and I were just getting started on rolling for characters–”
“Wait, rolling? ” the large teen cocked his head, “you mean you guys pushed them off a cliff?”
“No no no, Eric. The proper term is, uh, gacha - and we spend these ‘dias’ to get characters. It’s like gambling but, uh, legal!”
“What the– so, not only you guys are doing things illegally – but you guys are also capitalistic fucks?! Oh oh , is it because Kinny is poor - and Butters is richer, so you guys hit it off, and then you guys got obsessed with the game–?!”
“Hold it, Cartman. We’re not obsessed or anything to the game for now, but if you wanted someone who is really obsessed with the game, better check that place over there,” Cartman whipped his head to where Kenny pointed to unexpectedly - or rather, unsurprisingly, it was that detested spot - at least to Cartman.
Craig and Those Guys
“God fucking damnit, Kinny,” Cartman swore before waddling towards that place, leaving Kenny smiling and waving him goodbye while Butters followed suit. Approaching Craig and Those Guys is usually a challenge because Cartman doesn’t like anyone from there; well, maybe except Bebe, who was with Clyde, who was in the crowd with Tolkien, Nicole, and Jimmy seemingly trying to get into something fun.
“You got this! Beat his ass!” he could hear Bebe and Tolkien cheering someone, ugh - probably Craig or something, as Cartman pouted from afar.
“Obj-objected. Keep that attitude high up, and you’ll s-su-succeed,” Jimmy commented, followed by Nichole from the same side, “Jimmy’s right! Don’t let him get to you!!” she moved her fist energetically - but to Cartman, these two are cheering on Craig like the previous ones.
“Whatever you guys do, I’ll be by both sides!” Clyde cried his sappiness out, “You go, Craig! You go, Tweek!”
Wait, what
“Hold up! What’re you guys watching–!!”
When Cartman so intrusively pushed the crowd to either side, he didn’t expect to see the famous couple sitting side by side and, rather than making out or doing their sappy shit, tapping on their phones as if wanting to destroy it. It reminds Cartman of the Buddha Box shenanigans, but now it’s as if both Tweek and Craig wore the box.
Cartman couldn’t believe what he saw - Tweek Tweak and Craig Tucker ignoring each other because of obsession towards electronic devices?! If they broke up, Cartman would be considered that juicy news and would be a good Wendy luring trap - but seeing the crowd cheering on them like that, there's a slim chance of that happening. On the other hand, Cartman could hear a Japanese song distinctly - it wasn’t clear, but it sounded like rap.
The crowd’s momentum continued to cheer until Tweek twitched only once during this whole ‘tension’ and suddenly frowned before they withdrew their phones. Craig then proudly flashed his phone screen reads:
Full Combo!
“Annnd…the winner is Craig!” Nichole clapped cheerfully, “Guess it’s a bad day today huh, Tweek?”
“Keh–I only got one Bad. I bet he gets a shitton of Goods and Greats,” Tweek shrugged, “But whatever, that song was a real challenge. Not bad, Craig, not–kuh, not bad,” the long-haired blond crossed his arms at his boyfriend, to which the latter amusingly piqued,
“Yeah babe, you weren’t bad either - I’m surprised that you lost to me; you’re usually pretty good with your hands,”
“Like Nichole said, today’s just a bad day. I’ll beat your ass next time, though,”
“Can’t wait, honey,” Craig’s elbow hit Tweek’s as both shared a mutual, peace-making giggle that made Cartman ticked twice now.
“Hey! What the heck is going on?” He confronted the group.
“Oh, hey, Cartman,” Tolkien noticed, “Tweek and Craig just have a showdown of who can survive the ‘Awakening Myth’ special,”
“The…the what?”
“Yeah, dude, it’s the hardest song to date - well, aside from ‘Eccentric Party Night’…and, um, ‘Fallin’ Love.’” Tolkien explained, “They would just play there for us to see - if they both got the full combo, we’ll examine which one scored higher,”
“...Are you kidding me?!” Cartman threw a fit, “So you guys just spend a good chunk of your time playing dress-up, capitalistic fuck, and brawl fights in your phones?! Hah, is that fair?! So you guys can only focus on those–those gay indoctrinations manipulating your brains?! Is this what it is?!”
“C-Cartman?”
“No, don’t Cartman me! This class is seriously so corrupted, that all you can think of is tapping strange aliens on screen, and it’s all Windy’s fault!” the boy in the red shirt cried out, then abruptly left the class, leaving the crowd speechless,
“...Did, did he know that it was you who recommended this game for us - Bebe?”
“I…I mean, I did hear it from Wendy, so he isn’t wrong…” but he is wrong to confront Wendy by himself.
“Windy! Windy! Windy–!!”
“What, Eric?!”
“Windy…Windy,” Cartman came to his knees after he caught up with Wendy in the hallways, “Listen here, Windy. The class is all corrupted…, because…, because you advertised to them that damn homosexual game…, they have become so, so invested that they’re dissociating from society,”
“...Eric, what on earth are you talking about?” Wendy’s face remained stoic, although her tone felt angry.
“You…you seriously fucked up, Windy,” Cartman huffed through his words, “It’s because of you that Kahl, Stan, and Kinny got corrupted - they…they got so obsessed with it, that they…they’re committing cri–”
“Eric, seriously, just stop,” Wendy pinched her nose’s bridge, “I simply don’t care and don’t believe that a mobile game could enable those atrocities you mentioned! I only promote them because I think the game is fun, and I care about people having fun! If you cannot have fun - that’s on you! ”
And just like that, Wendy stomped her foot one last time and left Cartman in the dust. He simply jaw-dropped from afar.
“I can’t believe Eric just came to me and ranted that nonsense as if he’s right! It’s getting old right now, don’t you think?” Wendy ranted to Stan while her boyfriend tried to brush her hair, and the other boyfriend scrolled texts next to her.
“Wendy, this has been happening for years; take it easy,” Stan suggested.
“No! He keeps being so sensitive, even towards a game–”
“Hey guys, look!” Kyle held his screen towards his two lovers, “Cartman suddenly got interested in Enstars for some reason!” the ginger’s phone showed a post from Cartman’s Instagram posted a card of a blue-eyed man in a suit under blue light while his hand held high and crossed like an X.
First time playing Enstars! This one is Koga, right? Can’t wait to use him! - The caption said.
“...That’s, um, that’s Izumi, isn’t it?”