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The school was suffocating Josh. He couldn't stand any more of the stares, the questions, the constant overbearing presence of the teachers, asking if he was fit to be back in school, and worst of all, the glares from his own father whenever he so much as touched his own arm. He wished he could disappear, become invisible and fade away from the prying eyes of everyone around him. But he knew he couldn't. He was trapped in this reality, in this place, and there was no escaping it. No matter how badly he'd tried.
The weight of his own struggles was crushing him beneath its fist. He couldn't shake off the constant paranoia and fear that plagued him, his brain feeling like it was on fire, rattling against the front of his skull. His medication wasn't helping him like it was before, and his symptoms were becoming more and more prominent, they weren't settling, just stirring up his stomach more and more until all he wanted to do was curl up by a toilet and throw his guts up until there was nothing left of him. He was losing control, losing himself, and no one seemed to understand what he was going through. No one seemed to really care.
Josh's behavior took a dangerous turn only two weeks into the school year - swerving around any rational thought that tried to burst through the doors. He became frantic, snarky, all but attacking the new boy, Leo, from the moment he arrived. He refused to work with Leo at all costs, not letting him sit within a certain distance of him. He even went so far as to barricade himself in his room at home. He wasn't going to let Leo get close to him at all. He couldn't stop picking at the nape of his neck, leaving it red and raw.
His behavior took a turn for the worse. He found himself lashing out at others, becoming increasingly erratic and paranoid. He couldn't stand the thought of anyone getting too close to him, especially the new boy, Leo. Leo was plotting against him, he just knew it, and no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't shake off the feeling. He stormed in the mirror for hours trying to tell himself it wasn't true, that Leo was an innocent party to all of this, but the little voice crept back into his ear urging him to take drastic measures.
You were just gone so long. They've moved on and now they need someone to get rid of you. You should get rid of yourself before they get to you.
The thought terrified him. How could he leave his friends? His family?
But, the voice taunted, at the same time, he couldn't get rid of it, it would bring you such comfort, a way out. It made too much sense. And besides, they don't really care for you anyway.
Finn was his best friend, of course he tried to help, but Josh couldn't trust him anymore. Finn had turned against him, and he was all alone in the world now. The fear and paranoia was so overwhelming, and he didn't know how much longer he could hold on without doing something far too drastic.
"I can't trust Leo. He's plotting against me," Josh said to himself, having barricaded himself in the school toilets, his voice trembling with fear in the stuffy air around him. "And I can't trust Finn either anymore… Why have they all turned against me?" He couldn't believe why they would all hate him enough to try and hurt him.
Josh's mind was consumed with fear and paranoia, drowning him. He couldn't understand why his friends had turned against him, why they would want to hurt him. His thoughts were spiraling out of control. Everyone was plotting against him, and something terrible was sure to happen to him soon. He was in danger, and he was constantly on edge, expecting the worst to happen every time anyone brushed past him as he sped down the corridor between lessons.
His anxiety only got worse as the day bore on. The voices in his head only got louder and louder as they told him to hurt himself. Hurt himself before anyone else could. He couldn't resist the urge to scratch at his neck, even though it hurt. It hurt so bad but he couldn't stop. If he stopped, they would get him. He couldn't be near Leo. He had to leave his music lesson early to avoid him. He had no idea where he was going, but he found himself standing on the edge of a bridge, looking down at the water below. The rain was falling on his face, but he barely noticed it, even relishing in how it made his curls stick to his forehead. Everything around him was urging him to jump; the grass, the trees, the dark grey clouds. He was transfixed by the ripples in the water, they looked like little targets, urging him to jump.
He was just starting to pull himself over the railing. A hand caught his shoulder and pulled him back, close into the body. He struggled in the grasp and looked up to find Finn's anxious expression holding him tight.
"What are you doing here?" Josh's voice shook as he asked, tears streaming down his face. "You're not meant to be here." He shook his head, "you can't be here…"
Finn's gentle tone was soothing, but Josh didn't want to hear it. He was convinced that Finn was part of the conspiracy against him, trying to throw him off the scent. He knew what was going on, and he knew what Finn was planning. He pulled himself out of Finn's arms, walking backwards and gripping on the soaked railing until his knuckles went white.
"I'm worried about you, Josh. You need to talk to someone, get some help."
"I don't need help!" Josh said, tears streaming down his face. "They'll think I'm crazy."
Tom ran out from behind him, gripping Josh by the waist and pulling him back and holding him close, pulling him all the way off of the bridge and not letting go. Tom breathed heavily against Josh's curly mop of hair, unable to say anything while Josh begged to return to the edge, return to the water. Finn didn't know if he should step closer, didn't know what he should do - what he could do - to help him.
"I'm sorry," Josh cried, his voice barely above a whisper and hoarse, grating against his throat. "I'm so sorry. I don't know what's wrong with me."
"It's okay," Tom said, hushing him with a hand stroking the back of his head. "We'll get through this. I promise. We'll see your doctor as soon as possible."
Tom's hand on the back of his head was his anchor, but the fear still gnawed at Josh's insides. He needed to vomit. He pulled away from Tom's grip and stumbled backwards, his eyes darting around frantically. "No, no doctors!" he shouted, his voice cracking with fear. "They'll lock me up, they'll take me away!"
He sank into a crouch, gripping his hair tightly and shutting his eyes as tightly as possible, trying to shut out the world around him. Finn's hand on his shoulder was gentle, but Josh pushed him away, he was part of this conspiracy too. He didn't want him to mess with his body, probably trying to infect him with some horrid illness, force the virus to dig under his flesh and cut away at his cells, making them burst until he was but a skeleton phasing into the soil.
"I know you've been watching me and listening to me," Josh said, his voice trembling. "I know you want me dead. They're all in on it, I know it!"
"Josh," Tom said softly, "we're going to take you to the hospital. They can help you there, they can give you the care you need."
Tom's words were soft, but firm. They needed to get him to the hospital before it was too late. Josh shook his head, begging them not to take him back there again, begging to just opt out of this life that he never agreed to. The memories of his past visits to the hospital were still fresh in his mind, and he couldn't bear the thought of going through it all again. It was all too overwhelming. His brain was overheating, eyes burning, and all he wanted to do was scream until his lungs collapsed. He couldn't bear the thought of going through it all again, of being poked and prodded, forced to take medication that made him into a zombie. It was like he was stuck in a nightmare he couldn't escape from. No one was letting him wake up.
He stared at the looming bridge behind him, his mind was filled with thoughts of jumping. Just running and throwing himself over the barrier. Maybe that would be better than going back to the hospital, than facing the pain and humiliation all over again when they had to make sure he wasn't hurting himself. He knew he couldn't do it, not with Tom and Finn watching him. He was trapped, caught between the fear of going to the hospital and the terror of staying where he was in his own head. He needed help, but the thought of getting it was too much to bear. The tears streamed down his face as he asked Tom and Finn not to take him back to the hospital.
Finn and Tom exchanged another glance, then Tom stepped forward, placing a firm hand on Josh's shoulder. "Josh, you need to come with us. We're not going to leave you alone like this."
He knew he had no choice. He couldn't go on like this, living in constant fear and agony. He took a deep breath and nodded slowly, agreeing to go with them. But he made it clear that he would only go if Finn stayed behind, a silent reminder to them both that Josh was not really Josh at that moment. Finn held his hands up and stepped away.
Finn held his hands up and stepped backwards.Tom took one of Josh's arms, guiding him away from the bridge and towards their car. As they drove towards the hospital, Josh sat in the back seat, staring out the window with a haunted expression. Tom exchanged worried glances in the front seat, glancing in the rearview mirror to make sure Josh wasn't doing anything too bad. He didn't know why Josh had gotten worse, he thought he'd been taking his meds, and he didn't know why he hadn't noticed this entire time - he was supposed to be Josh's dad for God's sake!
Josh sat in the back seat, staring out the window with a haunted expression, swallowing down a lump in his throat that would only come back moments later. He felt like Lady Jane Grey being walked up to the chopping block, wondering what horrors awaited him at the end of the journey. Tom exchanged worried glances with Finn from the front seat out the window, but Josh was lost in his own thoughts, his mind consumed with fear and uncertainty. He couldn't understand why he had gotten worse, why he couldn't control his own mind. He thought he had been taking his medication, but maybe he had forgotten once or twice… or maybe it just wasn't working anymore. He felt like a failure, like he was letting everyone down.
And he couldn't understand why Tom hadn't noticed, why he hadn't seen the signs of his decline. He was supposed to be Josh's father, his protector, but he had let him slip through his fingers. Josh felt alone and abandoned, like no one could ever understand the pain he was going through. He blocked his train of thought. His dad was trying. Trying so hard to balance the plates so they wouldn't shatter and send him spiraling until he couldn't get out of the grave he'd already been digging for himself.
-
As Josh approached the school gates, his nervous system was flooded with anxiety. He had been away for too long, he didn't know how people would react to him now, after weeks away. Finn had been there to support him, and that gave him some comfort, assuring him that no one would know why he'd really been away. He was grateful for Finn's unwavering support throughout his hospital stay, and he knew he wouldn't have been able to make it without him. He needed Finn when his brain was in overdrive, when he was panicking over missing out on schoolwork - Finn made sure to bring it to him.
As he staggered down the hallway, Josh noticed people staring at him, and it made him feel small. He hated feeling small. He didn't want to be seen as a freak or someone who needed to be watched over constantly. He just wanted to be treated like everyone else. His dad was already doing that at home, and he didn't want to deal with it at school too. He didn't want it all to be out in the open. He didn't want everyone to know that his brain was fighting itself so hard that he was so close to killing himself because of the thoughts it implanted at the forefront of his mind. He couldn't help but scratch at his arm until Finn pulled it away. He reminded himself that he was okay. He was okay because Finn was here with him.
"Hey, Josh!" he heard a familiar voice calling out to him from behind. It was Leo. Josh felt his heart skip a beat as he turned around to see Leo walking towards them with a bright smile spread across his face. He knew that he owed Leo an apology, and he hoped that Leo would be willing to forgive him.
He felt a glimmer of hope. Josh's heart skipped a beat as he saw Leo's friendly face, a face that harboured no hard feelings, no malice, toward him. He had missed everyone during his time away, and he was glad to see that at least someone was happy to see him back after all the glares from around the school had already been piercing into his chest and making it harder to breathe.
"Hey, man, how are you doing?" Leo asked as he reached them. "We missed you around here." He didn't let Josh get a word in,"I know we haven't known each other long but I feel like we got off on the wrong foot so I got you this…" Josh took the thin box from his hands, smiling up at him.
"Thanks, Leo, you really didn't have to," Josh tried to sound nonchalant but his heart was pounding in his chest and he could hear it in his head. He felt awkward, not knowing what to say or do. He kicked the floor as Leo shrugged, waving off his thanks. He hadn't expected anyone to bring him gifts or treats, but he appreciated the gesture nonetheless. "I'm sorry, I was acting like a jerk. I didn't mean to..." He didn't know if he should explain further. He decided against it and glanced down at the package, smiling. He didn't know what to expect, but he was touched that Leo had even thought of him - especially after everything. He carefully unwrapped the gift, and inside was a small box of chocolates.
"Thanks, Leo," Josh said, his smile widening. "That's really cool of you."
"No problem, man," Leo replied. "Glad you're back. We should hang out sometime soon."
"Yeah, that'd be cool," Josh said, feeling a bit more at ease. His heart hammered against his ribcage. Maybe things wouldn't be so bad after all. Maybe he could still have his old life back, at least in part. He thought Leo would walk away, thought that he was just exchanging pleasantries but Leo stayed for a beat longer.
"Look, I don't know if everyone is just gossiping but you're incredibly handsome so if you're down… Saturday at eight? You can text me your address…"
Josh snickered and pulled out his phone. He hadn't expected that. But he felt a flicker of hope that maybe, just maybe, he could still find a place for himself in this world, "Sure." He was blushing. They both were. And Josh was going on a date with someone who, just a few weeks earlier, he was sure would have killed him.
-
As Josh continued to attend school, he was surprised to find that there were more and more classmates who were kind and understanding towards him. Those interactions were what gave him a sense of hope and he slowly started to feel more comfortable as he settled back into school. Though he still experienced so many moments of anxiety and fear, he knew that he had people he could talk to if he needed to. So many people around him who could help. Having a support system was such a new and foreign concept to him, but it still made him feel like he wasn't alone.
Finn caught him by the arm with a gentle voice, and a proposition that shook Josh to his core. "Hey, Josh," he said. "I was thinking we could start a mental health club at school. You know, a place where people can come and talk about their struggles."
Josh was taken aback by the suggestion, but the idea sparked a newfound light within him. Finally, finally, he could help people and share his struggles with others his own age. He eagerly accepted Finn's offer, "That's a great idea, I would totally love to be a part of that." A warmth bubbled through him at the prospect of being able to make a real difference in the lives of others.
The thought of having a purpose gave Josh a hope that had long been extinguished. He knew that his battles were far from over, far from cured, but for the first time in a long time, he felt like he could make a difference to everyone else. He longed to have people who would truly understand him and his struggles, especially when his hallucinations were getting too much and he found himself believing things that weren't true, and he thought he might finally have a place to do that. He was grateful that he could finally have a support system, a place where he could be heard and understood by people who shared similar experiences. A place where they wouldn't judge him for freaking out over even the most mundane things
A place where people understood.