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Nick had always been chubby. He was a big guy, even in his teenage years. This never bothered him. He was sporty, strong, and soft at the same time. The perfect combo. His then-boyfriend Charlie loved his slight pudge, using him as a pillow whenever he had the chance.
As the years went on Nick’s boyfriend ultimately became his husband. He was 32 now and not as young as he used to be. He slipped into a life of gentle pleasures, eating, sleeping, and cuddling. He was a beloved primary school teacher and a human teddy bear. He did start to notice he gained some happy pounds as their relationship went on over the years, but Nick was beyond content with his perfect, gentle life.
That was until he made the decision to quit rugby a few months ago. Of course, he had stopped playing professionally after uni, but he still played in an adult league up until this point. However, it’s pretty humbling when as an adult you practically age out of the adult league. His knees started to hurt for longer after practice after each tackle. Charlie’s gentle massages and their warm baths together didn’t soothe Nick’s muscles like they used to. He also was starting to get worried about more serious injuries becoming a possibility as he and Charlie started discussing finally starting a family. He decided to value his health and comfort over the continuation of his favorite sport.
So, he quit cold turkey. He was sad at first but felt like he made the right decision. However, another problem started to arise. Since he had more free time without rugby, he started to partake in his other favorite hobby: cooking and baking for himself and Charlie.
That, coupled with the lack of physical activity, lead him to put on some weight. More weight than he’s ever gained at one point in his life. He was always used to being bigger than most people, being naturally soft with belly rolls and an impressive 6’3, but now he was bigger than ever.
He often observed himself in the mirror and felt shame in what he saw. Stretch marks started to bloom on his belly and thighs. His stomach gained more weight and he had a few more belly rolls than what he was accustomed to. His face was larger and ruddier.
Physically, he felt healthy despite the normal aches and pains that came as one settles into adulthood. However, for the first time in his life, he felt utterly uncomfortable with his appearance.
He started to speak unkindly to himself in the mirror. He called himself things like “fat”, “disgusting”, and “undesirable”. His feelings could be summed up by a term he often repeated at himself in the mirror “overweight loser”. Logically, he knew he wasn’t a loser and he was still desirable to his husband, Charlie’s affection has never wavered. He knew that bigger people weren’t unattractive, he didn’t think they were. However, it’s different when it’s you. It’s different when you’re the one gaining noticeable weight and having to buy bigger clothing. He didn’t have to do that since right after he graduated uni and he felt utterly embarrassed.
Nick’s thoughts about his body and increased chubbiness became irrational. He started talking down on himself frequently. He often felt self-conscious around his husband, electing to keep his shirt on as they slept, a completely different scenario than when they were teens.
Charlie noticed this change in behavior of course, how couldn’t he? He worried for his gorgeous husband and figured he was having some self-confidence issues, but he waited for Nick to come to him to talk about it, not wanting to assume anything. He wasn’t even sure what Nick was upset about in the first place since everything about him was perfect to Charlie. He would of course be willing to support him when he was ready.
It all came to a head one night when they were washing their dishes after dinner. Nick scrubbed the soap from his dish, getting lost in the shifting colors of the bubbles. His mind drifted to his body, as it often did these days. Before he knew it, he was airing his concerns out loud, not even thinking while performing such a routine task. He asked Charlie a question he never had before.
“Char, am I like.. chubby?” Nick questioned turning around to face Charlie who was drying off a dish with a towel printed with little golden retrievers, similar to their dog Daisy and to Nick himself.
“Yes, you’re beautiful,” Charlie replies easily, a dreamy look in his eyes had not noticed the nervousness in Nick’s tone.
“So I am?” Nick gasps quietly. He and Charlie were always honest with each other, having been together and married long enough to be beyond the point of white lies, but he couldn’t deny being taken aback by his forwardness.
“You are,” Charlie remarks with a soft smile, having no idea that this was the answer to his recent concern about Nick “You’re gorgeous.”
“Charlie I love you, but stop lightening the truth by buttering me up,” Nick says with a slight chuckle, eyes down turned.
Charlie makes the realization and stops drying the plate in his hand. He looks into Nick’s honey-brown eyes. Blue pierces brown for the millionth time in their lives and Nick is still moved to silence, so enchanted that he allows Charlie to get in the next word.
“What? I am telling the truth?” he chuckles in a trademark witty Charlie laugh.
“Yeah..” Nick continues, looking back down to his feet to shield himself from his husband’s loving spell, “But like.. you said it yourself. I’m chubby. I know I’ve always been... bigger. But ever since I stopped playing rugby I guess the pounds piled on? And I know it’s noticeable, but you can be honest if you think it’s like.. too noticeable I guess?”
Nick looked back up at Charlie for that next point, lip quivering as he ended the sentence. Nick has always been an emotional person, seemingly untouched by toxic masculinity around expressing his feelings. However, Charlie was immediately taken aback when he saw tears begin to form against the beautiful backdrop of his chocolate eyes. No matter how many times he’s seen it, if they watched a scary movie, argued, or have just seen a particularly adorable dog, Charlie never liked to see Nick cry, even if it was good that he was unafraid to.
Charlie moved forward to take his husband’s hands in his own, reveling in the softness against his palms. He stroked his finger against his life partner’s hands as he began, “I didn’t realize you saw that as a negative, Nick.”
Nick was confused. Of course, it was negative, gaining weight has to be negative at his size, right? He shrugged his shoulders in acknowledgment, Charlie’s hands instinctively following his in the slight movement.
Charlie continued, honey dripping from his voice, “Your body is absolutely perfect. Not just to me, but it just objectively is. Yeah, you are chubby. That’s objective too. And yes, as someone who loves you more than anything and knows everything about you, of course I’ve noticed that you’ve gained weight over the years. You did gain more weight when you quit rugby, but you also did even before you left the adult league, sweetheart, probably around the end of uni when we moved in together for the first time.”
Nick recalls that moment fondly. Nights spent in their first cramped flat practically on top of each other from the lack of space, but even with all the room in the world, they’d still be in the same proximity. Gleeful decorating and the intertwining of personal items and furniture for the first time marked the start of their transition to adulthood together. Nick rushed home from his primary school to start on complicated date night meals, ordering takeaways and drinking wine on the weekends. Attempting to bake elaborate cakes in the small oven of their first flat. He supposes this makes sense, as they did start oozing their domesticity into the food they ate and the activities they partook in around that time, even if they have a real house now. Nick can recall more than one occasion where he skipped a rugby practice purely to stay in bed and be a little spoon to his heart’s content. He didn’t realize that his weight had been steadily increasing though. He just assumed that it all came from stopping rugby altogether, not a more stable lifestyle. Maybe his stopping rugby was just his wake-up call to his new state.
Charlie looked at Nick’s face of recollection and left a small kiss on his rosy cheek before he proceeded, “You’re just shifting into your husband bod, darling, isn’t that wonderful?”
Nick let out a genuine chuckle, “If you refer to my pudge as a ‘husband bod’ one more time I’ll walk straight out the door”.
“Hush up, you love it!” Charlie sasses. “And I love it too. Look at how far you’ve come, how far we’ve come. I could have never imagined how wonderful my life is now with you. And your body shows that. Nick, I love how soft you are, I love you and all your rolls and stretch marks. I love how adorable and annoyingly sexy you look when I see you lounging around without a shirt. I love you from your head to the little bit of belly that sits over your pants. I enjoy holding your love handles and putting my head on your comfortable chest. I love how you are physically the embodiment of gentleness and security. You are chubby, Nick, but that’s just another word for beautiful.”
Nick is at a loss for words. If he was getting emotional before, it was nothing compared to the waterworks now. He let out a muffled sob as nestled into Charlie’s neck, his recharging spot after all these years together.
Charlie ran his hands up and down his back, and for once Nick didn’t mind that he could no longer completely encircle him in a hug. He just reveled in the same touch of his husband.
“I am concerned about how you saw your weight as a negative, Nick,” Charlie whispered soothingly
Nick hummed and explained, “It’s not like I thought I was ugly or think that other bigger people are, I was just.. worried you wouldn’t be as attracted to me and that I wouldn’t feel as secure in myself. I feel past my prime when I see so many men my age still all muscley and slim and I’m just.. a bit soft around the middle?”
Charlie nodded in understanding and removed Nick from his shoulder so he can look him in the eyes again, “Yeah, people don’t realize that men can have unrealistic body standards too. But Nick, you are only 32, you’re still very young and very much in your prime. Well, you’ll always be in your prime to me.” Charlie winked at Nick playfully and the blonde rolled his eyes.
“These are body image issues, Nick. And I know from personal experience just how hard they can be to shake.”
“Shit, yeah” Nick replied, feeling a little bad for forgetting that his husband had also struggled with accepting his appearance, which was perfect in his opinion by the way.
“I’ve learned some skills in therapy about how to shake them. It’s important to remember that these thoughts are learned and enforced by societal standards, which are not your fault. How about we try some of them out? I can help you out with some mindful reminders to hopefully get you to a point where you accept your body. It’ll be a win-win, you’ll get to improve your relationship with your new appearance and I get to compliment my unfairly fit husband, deal?”
Nick smiled in his classic goofy, sunshine-filled grin, completely overwhelmed with love for the man in front of him.
“Yeah. Ok.”
The next few weeks proceeded very smoothly. Nick reveled in the increased compliments, which was hardly possible because they were both a pretty lovey-dovey and complimentary couple. Despite that, almost every word out of Charlie’s mouth was a positive reinforcement. But something changed too, something that Nick loved. Charlie made an effort to make more pointed comments regarding Nick’s body. He traded his usual “Good morning handsome” for “Good morning, I love the way your arms look right now” or “You look absolutely divine in that shirt”. The attention made Nick flush in embarrassment at first, but he leaned into it really quickly.
Charlie also started to compliment and acknowledge the areas Nick was particularly self-conscious about after later discussions revealed his problem areas to Charlie.
Before they went to bed each night, Charlie went from the bottom of his feet to the top of his head, discussing every part of his husband and explaining how loved he was. He paused and gave special attention to his belly and thighs, often giving the bare skin a mostly gentle, sometimes heated, kiss and reciting praises on the way they looked and how attracted he was to them. Then they either went to sleep or partook in other, more private activities.
Charlie didn’t stop there, amongst the compliments he started to gently remind Nick of the functionality his body had. As he walked up to Nick cooking lunch on the weekends he often hugged him from behind and whispered something along the lines of “I love how your legs keep you upright” and when they sat down he put a hand on his chest and stated, “Isn’t great how a chest naturally protects your heart?”
They also had long discussions that were more practical. They reasoned that Nick was objectively healthy despite any weight gain. Sure his doctors may encourage him to lose a few pounds, but ultimately the health system was inherently fat-phobic. Charlie pulled up some studies that he googled to soothe Nick’s worries. To Nick’s surprise, many people society deems chubby are perfectly healthy and may fair slightly better when faced with illness. While it is good to be conscious of one’s health, as long as lab work is stable, being heavier is not something to fear. It’s also proven that happy couples are more likely to put on weight together, which made Nick smile. Charlie has worked hard to manage his eating disorder over the years and despite him being naturally slim, he has certainly gained a little bit of weight as he aged as well. Nick knew Charlie’s eating disorder was never about a want to be skinny, but he was still overjoyed at the progress Charlie made in becoming healthier.
They also discussed Nick’s previous deduction to quit rugby. Charlie reminded Nick that it was due to him aging and stopping to prevent potential injury. Nick suggested he start exercising again in a safer way, but then Charlie questioned if he played rugby for exercise. He didn’t, he did it because he enjoyed it. So, they decided that a replacement wasn’t necessary unless he found something else he enjoyed similarly. Charlie did however say that it might be a good idea to teach their future child how to play rugby. Nick held on to that and reminded himself to start looking into adoption agencies for himself and his husband sometime soon.
Nick almost felt bad at the attention, he didn’t want to make Charlie responsible for his insecurities. That fear melted away when he saw the twinkle in Charlie’s eyes as he continued his affirmations.
One day Nick returned from giving their golden retriever, Daisy, a bath outside and found Charlie sitting crisscrossed on the floor of their shared bedroom, a packet of pens and multi-colored post-it notes sprawled across the floor.
“And just what do you think you’re doing mister?” Nick sassed, raising his eyebrows.
“Hey, honey!” Charlie replied looking up at the slightly soaked man in front of him. “You should wear wet shirts more often, I like when you show off some skin.”
Nick stumbled over himself and turned beat red at the praise. He was covered in dog hair and mud for God’s sake.
“You’re unbelievable,” Nick responded shaking his head in an attempt to conceal his blush at the behavior of the man he’s been with for the better part of his life.
Charlie arose holding a pile of sticky notes and dropped a kiss on Nick’s cheek. He hummed and said, “Don’t hide your blush darling, I love how your cheeks can show how flustered you get.”
“You didn’t answer my question,” Nick laughed sweetly.
“Hmm,” Charlie pondered, “Guess not.”
Suddenly, Charlie grabbed Nick by his belt loops for a kiss. Nick signed into the contact, never getting tired of the feeling of Charlie’s lips on his as he allowed himself to be pushed up against their mirror.
Nick was a fan of long kisses, loving how his brain went offline and just reveling in the affection he had for his husband. However, this kiss was going on for particularly long and Charlie’s hands weren’t stroking his hair like usual.
He opened his eyes to discover Charlie’s were open as well. His hands were busy placing sticky notes all around him on the wall and the mirror where Nick was leaning.
Nick pulled away. “Hey! Were you trying to distract me??” he squeaked in disbelief.
Charlie smirked. “Yeah, I love you Nick, but that brain of yours is easily overpowered by my kisses.”
“Charlie Spring you little seducer”
“It’s Charlie Nelson-Spring, my love,” Charlie reminds Nick, “and besides, I had a surprise for you.”
Nick turned around and gasped as he took in the sight of his mirror, the location of the start of his body image crisis. Little notes, compliments, reminders, and affirmations coupled with heart doodles littered the walls and mirror so that when Nick looked at his body, he couldn’t help but see a positive statement about himself. On full display in the top middle of the mirror was a quote from Charlie that perfectly fought off all the negative thoughts surrounding the reality of his body. It read “Chubby is just another word for beautiful” Underneath it had a crude but adorable doodle of Nick smiling with loads of sparkles around him.
Suddenly Charlie grew bashful, “Is this ok? I saw it online and thought.. maybe this would help? I know that sometimes looking in the mirror can be challenging, so maybe some reminders that your body is healthy and loved would be healing.”
It was at this moment Nick realized that Charlie loved doing this for him. He adored being able to show Nick the ways he learned to cope with his insecurities by reframing the way he talked about himself. Charlie loved giving back the wisdom he gained from years of therapy, it genuinely made him feel content rather than inconvenienced. This is one of the many reasons they are so perfect together, they find it rejuvenating to help the other because their lives are so intertwined that a problem for one of them might as well be a problem for both of them. They feel each other's pain and happiness as if it were their own.
Nick turned around to face Charlie as he played with the golden wedding band sitting underneath the engagement ring on his finger as he glanced at the matching silver band on Charlie’s. He let out a mangled sob as he held Charlie up in his arms and twirled him around in an embrace.
Tears streaked both of their faces as they laughed together, wrapped up and once again blown away by how simple acts of kindness and mutual support towards each other can make all the difference.
Nick put his husband down and lay his forehead against his. He closed his eyes and whispered, “It’s perfect.”
As the months went on, the sticky note wall gained more notes, but this time from Nick himself. Charlie’s help has worked. All the work he had put in paid off too. Mindful meditation, reframing his thoughts, and accepting compliments had made him begin to love his body just like Charlie does.
When he looks in the mirror, he no longer sees an “overweight loser”. He no longer allows himself to define his worth by his weight. He sees a pattern of stretch marks on his belly blossoming like little rose vines, marking the beginning of his increased ability to bake in a larger kitchen with a dual income. He sees the gentle push of delicious cookies and bread that he and Charlie get to sample.
He sees a larger-sized hoodie as he gets dressed for Charlie to steal later when he misses him. With larger clothing Nick’s lover will be warmer in his absence, a thought that soothes his mind when they’re apart.
He sees rolls on his stomach more numerous than the ones from when he was a teen. He imagines Charlie lying his head down there and sighing in contentment, asking him “God, when did you get so comfy?”
He looks at his legs and sees the softness present there. He supposes the longer a man is in love, the softer their form becomes, being melted by bliss as a visible sign of his happiness.
He glances at his “strong rugby arms”. They still have some defined muscle, but it’s less pronounced. His arms are still Charlie’s favorite part of him though, so he has to be proud of them. He supposes that he has strong rugby arms along with strong hugging arms.
He looks at his cheeks and slight double chin. His face is pudgier now, thank God. Now Charlie can take more trademark photos of him squishing Nick’s face together. Those always make him laugh. There’s also more surface area for Charlie to kiss and more of Nick emerging to be loved on.
Then he looks at his entire body out together. He runs his hands over each piece by perfect piece and sighs in happiness. He is bigger. He is chubbier than he used to be. That’s good, he’s even more in love than he used to be. As each day passes and as the years went on, he grew along with his love for his teenage sweetheart. Finally, his body is big enough to hold the heart that has only grown for his husband, the love of his life, and his best friend. There’s even some room left over for children, they’re just waiting on the call to go pick up their baby daughter any day now. He’s happy that he’ll be able to model body positivity to his future child.
He leaves the mirror with a smile, not caring if he’ll grow or shrink in the future. Chubby or not chubby, big or small, Charlie will love him the same and he’ll love himself the same too. Because Nick Nelson is just another word for beautiful.