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It was a lively late-summer Friday night when Fyodor first met Nikolai.
The circumstances weren't specifically exceptional, but that moment has stayed in his memory to this day, instead of blending in with the past month.
"Oh, hello! Are you a regular here?"
He was sitting backstage when a white haired guy suddenly popped up in front of him. Fyodor doesn't quite recall seeing that person before, but he also doesn't really recall anyone here, despite visiting the bar to play pretty often.
He just finds social interactions a burden.
"...I guess you could call it that." He gives his usual blunt response, not bothering to even look up.
"Ah, that's a relief then! Do you maybe know where the manager is? It's my first time playing here, and I'm not sure when it's my turn. You can really get lost in those schedules!"
"He should be in the staff room," the ravenette replies, going back to what he was doing before getting interrupted - tuning his guitar.
But soon enough, the voice disturbs him once again.
"You play the bass? I heard it's kind of hard."
"What else would I need this guitar for?" he responds sharply. Why is that guy bothering him? He is clearly occupied right now.
"How rude!" The boy pouts, "You could have said that a little nicer y'know!"
"I don't like being interrupted while working. Also, weren't you supposed to talk with the manager?"
"Ah, you're right, I forgot-"
Fyodor gives him an unimpressed look.
Now that he has condescendingly actually glanced at his interlocutor, he notices a characteristic thing; his long white braid. He wonders whether the hair is dyed, but it looks surprisingly healthy if it was bleached before… yet it's such a strange color for it to be natural.
It looks quite nice.
"Ah, I almost forgot to even introduce myself! The name's Nikolai! Could you tell me yours, budlaska?"
"Budlaska?" Does he have Ukrainian origins?
"...Fyodor," he replies, since what else was he supposed to do? That guy wouldn't let him be if he stayed silent.
"Well then Fedya, nice to meet you! Hope we'll get to talk some more later!" And with that, the white braid sways away.
"Fedya?..."
After finishing his own performance, Fyodor quickly packs his things to evacuate from this place as fast as possible.
He hardly enjoys being in the spotlight, but it's the easiest way for him to earn some money.
But just as he's about to leave, a sound catches his attention.
"Все вокруг танцуют, пьют и веселятся Ты самая красивая, но так не хочешь танцев Музыка ужасная, да, и одной так скучно"
(Everyone around is dancing, drinking and having fun
You're the most beautiful but you don't wanna dance at all
The music is terrible, yeah, and being alone is so boring)
He turns his head to face the direction of where the song's coming from.
"Привет, мы не знакомы, но со мной будет получше"
(Hello, we don't know each other yet, but it'll be better with me)
To his surprise, he is met with the white braid yet again, now illuminated by the purple stage lights.
A magenta and black striped sweater, black ripped jeans with a chain, and a choker.
"Если хочешь плакать, то я буду плакать тоже Я надену платье, буду на тебя похож и Можешь не смотреть и называть меня как хочешь"
(If you want to cry, I'll cry too
I'll put on a dress, will look like you and
You can not look at me and call me whatever you want)
He's singing with a particular passion, it seems to come for him so easily. The words roll out in the perfect pitch from his mouth flawlessly, the lips covered in dark lipstick moving gently, while also playing the electric guitar, his black painted nails gracefully pulling the strings.
"Все вокруг тупое, поэтому я с тобою"
(Everything around is stupid, that's why I'm with you.)
It would be a lie if Fyodor said it wasn't quite mesmerizing. It was like a trance.
Not sure if it's the song, the lights, or the singer himself, the ravenette finds himself staying through the whole song.
As Nikolai bows down to the applause with engagement, he somehow catches Fyodor in the crowd by the corner of his eye.
He completely forgets about the cheering, and steps down the stage.
"Ah, hi there my friend! You stayed!"
"...Ah, yes, I guess I did," Fyodor replies, still a bit surprised by his own behavior.
"It was my first time performing here, so I was a little nervous, but I think it was okay!" Nikolai scratches his neck sheepishly.
"Ah, no, it was good. Very good. I liked it." The words roll out of the ravenette's mouth before he can stop them.
The other's eyes brighten up visibly.
"Really?"
"...Yeah."
- - -
It has been some time since that night, and things just happened to connect their ways, and the two of them have been constantly bumping into each other ever since.
And Fyodor can't deny he has grown a little fond of his energetic friend. Maybe even a bit more than he would like to admit.
As much as he enjoys peace and doesn't like being disturbed, after time, he finds himself put at ease whenever Nikolai's around, talking about whatever comes to his mind at the moment.
They spend time at the bar performing, later on even practicing some songs together.
And with time, Fyodor's days suddenly became more and more filled with Nikolai.
He didn't mind it though.
Fyodor didn't need to bother about trying to keep the conversation going, which is something he's been bad at his whole life.
"I tried talking with the cashier, but he totally ignored me! People are so blunt these days, they won't even listen to what you say!"
They are sitting together in Fyodor's apartment.
The ravenette is changing the strings in his guitar, as the other complains about a shop worker in his usual dramatic manner.
"They're all so… empty…"
"Yeah, I get what you're talking about."
Fyodor still remembers the "You do!?" the first time they had a deeper conversation.
As much as Nikolai might seem not too smart at first, he is definitely not an idiot.
He's actually quite the opposite, understanding more than an average human being from Fyodor's observation.
His eyes brighten, the golden sunlight bringing out the colors in his bi-colored irises, half covered with the gorgeous thick white lashes. The beam lays on the top of his head, almost making it look like a halo.
"It's one of the reasons I don't feel the need to socialize with others. They feel stupid, completely unaware of reality," he adds.
"Ah, you don't know how much I understand you, Fedya. I never can quite get how the hell people think. They all just go with the stream, trapped in what they think is real. My biggest fear is becoming one of those people… Though maybe it's easier to live if you're imprisoned in your own imagination, your brain is like a barrier, stopping you from seeing what's actually true."
"You seem to be deep into this topic," the ravenette remarks.
"Yeah, I guess… Y'know, there are things that snap you out of this dream. Sometimes I feel like it would be easier if I wasn't so… aware." He leans back on the wall, stretching his arms out.
Fyodor leans back too, and hums, looking at the ceiling.
They sit next to each other in that position for a few minutes.
The air around them feels so… comfortable.
Fyodor doesn't get to experience this feeling a lot, it's so soothing, it makes him feel safe enough to lean back a little.
The two haven't known each other for too long yet, but Fyodor finds himself feeling strangely unguarded around his new friend.
It alarms him a bit, since he's mostly unaware of it when it happens, the lack of control scares him a little.
He doesn't remember that kind of thing happening lately, if ever, it kind of doesn't even feel like him.
He'll keep an eye on that.
"Do you have any plans for tomorrow?" Nikolai suddenly breaks the silence.
"Hmmmmm, I don't think so. The bar club takes a day off tomorrow, and I don't have a shift earlier, so I guess I don't really have anything scheduled. Why are you asking?"
"To hang out somewhere, you dummy! Why else would I ask?"
"Oh… yeah, right. Why me though?"
"If you don't want to, just say it."
"No, no, it's not that, just… I'm wondering what makes you want to 'hang out' with me."
"Because I like you! God, you can be so silly sometimes…" the white-haired boy sighs.
"Because I don't remember when was the last time I actually got this close with someone." Fyodor thinks. Nobody really had the courage to actually talk to him, which isn't weird, since Fyodor usually avoided conversations, and always tried to respond as briefly as possible. It's kind of funny how some random dude decided to bother him for no real reason, and didn't give up after being met with a stone-cold face.
- - -
The next day, while brushing his teeth in the morning, Fyodor is met with a familiar 'ding' coming from his phone.
"Hey! :DD Wdyt if we met sometime around 9pm? I have a shift today, so I won't be able to meet earlier. "
"Fine by me." He responds with one hand.
It isn't long until another sound comes.
"Okay!! Let's meet near the convenience store. I'm in the mood to drink something~ >:DD"
Fyodor spits out the toothpaste, and texts back a simple "okay". As much as he doesn't like the whole 'going out with friends', he can't say he isn't happy with the plans. How odd…
In the evening, Fyodor arrives at the designated spot.
Nikolai is already there, squatting with two cans, wearing a red flannel over a black band T-shirt, and some ripped black jeans.
"Oh, hi Fedya! As I was waiting, I bought us some beer. Let's go to the nearby park to sit!", he greets the ravenette with his usual enthusiasm, already sipping on his beverage.
They settled down on a bench beside a dim street lamp, lighting up the late summer darkness. It's good that Fyodor took a sweater with him, since it's starting to get too cold for just a T-shirt. It's pretty old and distressed by now, but he grew quite fond of it.
He opens his can and takes a sip.
It's not the tastiest, but what can you expect from the cheapest beer? He doesn't complain, after all, Nikolai treated him with his rather tight budget. Fyodor wants to show his gratitude by at least enjoying the given treat.
When did he start caring about such things?
"Gaaah! How I needed to go out a little somewhereeee~" Nikolai says, emptying his can. The lamp doesn't quite give much light, but he seems to look a little dazed.
After one can? Kind of odd…
"Nikolai, did you already drink something before I arrived?"
"Huh? Yeaaaaah, I guess I had a few cans before you arrived…" the words roll out a little clumsily.
Yeah, he's drunk.
"You gotta let loose after enduring that shit… That old man is really getting on my nerves…" he adds, tripping over his own tongue.
"Old man?" Fyodor gives him a rather confused look.
"Yeaaaaah, my father is quite an asshole. The type of addict who blames you for all your problems… That dick made a whole affair today for a few hours, that's why we met up so late… If not for the fact that I don't have anywhere to go, I would have run away already a few months ago, when I turned eighteen!"
So the shift was a lie… Of course it was, Nikolai seems to be the type of person who would rather not worry others.
It's now that he's drunk, he is actually starting to become a bit more honest, not fully in control of his own words.
"So thanks for giving your time to me… I know you'd probs' rather be at home right now, rather than sitting on a bench with some dude botherin' your ass.
I really appreciate it, Fedya."
He gives him an honest smile.
It's one of those rather sad smiles, with those dull eyes.
They look so sorrowful, a mixture of thankfulness and melancholy.
Fyodor doesn't know exactly what happened, even after the time they've known each other, Nikolai never really opened up about his problems on his own, Fyodor needed to kind of investigate his behaviors himself, which comes to him with quite an ease. It's a skill he always had for some reason, he can read people really well, with just a bit of observation.
He could see the times where Nikolai looked at the horizon, he could see how sometimes the eyes became so dull when he was thinking about something, he could kind of see the emotions, but it's not enough to fully comprehend his daily life.
As much as he looks easy to understand, it's actually quite the opposite, you can brush the surface pretty quickly, but the deeper meaning to his personality is the tricky question.
"No, no, it's no trouble, I don't mind." Fyodor is surprised by his sudden sympathy. He jolts a bit inside.
It's weird. He doesn't like not having full control over what's happening around him.
Suddenly he feels a slight bump against his shoulder.
"You aren't really the talkative type but… I sometimes feel that even if you try to show how content you are without anybody around you, you just never really learned what it's like to have a connection with someone. I'm not sure how accurate that is, but I hope to be a person who can show you that. I don't even really know where this came from but… I wanna give something back to the first person who ever gave me any kind of understanding.
I truly appreciate you."
Fyodor looks at Nikolai resting his head on the other's shoulder, while staring into the distance.
He looks so… vulnerable right now.
Like a bird with a hurt wing, unable to fly, but has come to terms with the injury, not bothering to help itself anymore.
It makes Fyodor feel some kind of vulnerability himself, an emotion so odd and rare for him.
He doesn't recall feeling so many of them in such a short period of time, his days used to be filled with one constant mood, but now there's so many, a bit too many to comprehend them all at the same time.
Could there really be a person making such an impact on somebody like Fyodor?
He's not the person to be easily influenced by another human, that's why it weirds him out so much.
Is this the 'connection' Nikolai was talking about?
Not thinking much about it, he combs his fingers through the frizzy silver hair.
He doesn't know why he did that.
He caresses the curls gently with his nails, painted black by Nikolai, so he would stop biting them so much.
The other snuggles in a bit closer, as they both sit in the empty park, listening to the muffled sounds of the streets.
…Warm.
- - -
Nikolai seems to be very connected to music.
No matter what time of the day or where he is, different melodies always go with him, humming a tune when focused, or tapping various surfaces rhythmically.
The genres may differ; it's a jumpy beat one time, and a calm ballad the other, yet both being so Nikolai.
Even his talking voice always has that singing note when he speaks.
As a musical person himself, Fyodor is sensitive to the ambiance around him, so he always catches the hidden music.
It's like a form of language for him.
He wonders how Nikolai would describe what music is for him, since he looks so attached to it.
The white haired boy is actually like a melody himself.
Fyodor has already thought about it for some time, and came to the conclusion that Nikolai would be a very catchy song, at first glance chaotic and without any particular order, but very complex and thought through when you take a deeper listen.
Like a song you wouldn't pay much attention to the first time you hear it, but it has already creeped its way into your brain, ready to call for you, repeating inside your head like a broken record the moment you stop hearing it.
And as time goes on, Fyodor starts noticing that melody appearing more and more often each day, in different times and places around him.
"Tell me, Fedya, do you have any piercings, or just the basic pair of earrings?" asks Nikolai, removing his eyeliner.
"Not really. But I thought about getting a lip piercing. I don't have the money though."
"Ohhh, really? I could help you out with that then!"
"Help me out? What do you mean by that?" Fyodor narrows his brows.
"I've done nearly all of mine by myself, except the tongue one," the other explains, sticking out his tongue to show the jewelry. Nikolai has his ears pierced in a couple of places too. "It's more of a complicated procedure, but the lip is pretty easy!"
"...Are you sure this is a good idea?" The ravenette doubts.
"Oh, trust me! I've done it a few times, and my dear friend is not gonna spend the cash when I can do it just as well!" The other throws his braid behind his back, acting offended. His mannerism never lets Fyodor keep his serious attitude for too long, so he can't help but smirk a bit.
"Bold of you to say that when you can be so distracted with the smallest things," he teases.
"That's not true!" Nikolai argues, accidentally dropping the eyeliner tube at the same time.
A few seconds of silence pass between them.
"Okay, maybe that's somewhat true. No one ever believes me, but I truly can indeed concentrate if I really want to!" He picks the make-up up, letting out a relieved sigh when he sees it survived the fall.
"Yeah, yeah, sure," Fyodor responds, though completely aware of how gentle Nikolai can actually be at times. Maybe even more than him.
Like when he plays the electric guitar, or braids his hair. It requires skill to work with hair, when Fyodor once tried playing with his own pitch-black wisps, he only ended up with a tangled nest. Or when he paints his nails, each stroke is so careful and clean. Due to his anemic condition, Fyodor never really could get his hands to stop shaking when trying to do something like painting his nails, so he got to see his companion doing it for him up close.
The shaking doesn't bother him while playing, but when doing a careful and slow job like applying nail polish, it can really get in the way.
"Remind me later to bring the stuff for tomorrow to pierce your lip!" Nikolai says, picking up his stuff.
"You're leaving pretty early today," Fyodor points out.
"My father got kind of arrested today."
"Oh."
"But do not worry, my dear Fedya! I'm going to be fine. I hope." He gives the ravenette a quick forced smile before he leaves.
Once again, he looked… dull.
Fyodor can't help but feel a bit uneasy.
Unaware of the situation, which makes him feel very uncomfortable, but he also doesn't want to interfere with the other's privacy.
But why does it bother him so much?
Him of all people?
He decides on writing a short message to put himself at peace before going to sleep. It's quite unexpected from him, but he was supposed to text later after all.
"Hey."
No response.
That's a bit unusual, but maybe Nikolai just finally went to bed at a humane hour.
…
Fyodor feels an unpleasant twirl in his stomach again.
Something isn't right.
"Are you asleep?" He decides on a second try, and after a few minutes, he finally gets a few texts back.
"Ah
sorry
I didn't notice the message
You don't really text often, something happened?"
"You wanted me to text you later."
"Oh, yeah, the piercing, I forgot
Thanks :))"
To be completely honest that was the last reason Fyodor texted, but it works too, he thinks.
What's important is that the annoying feeling creeping behind his neck is finally gone.
"No problem."
- - -
"Hello, hello, my dear client!" Nikolai enters the staff room on the next day with his usual enthusiasm. "Are you ready for your appointment?~"
"...Hi." Fyodor feels some kind of relief seeing that everything's back to normal.
The white braid is jiggling around as usual, with its owner barely getting in time to the bar.
They were supposed to meet a bit earlier, but what did he expect?
"I got all the stuff, except we'll need to step by the nearby pharmacy for a minute, for some kind of wound cleanser you could use at home."
Fyodor watches as Nikolai rummages through his bag, prepping different materials, as the ravenette himself waits on a stool.
"Which side are we piercing?"
"I was thinking about the left bottom lip."
"Okie, dokie!~" Nikolai winks, putting on gloves, "Hold this onto your lip for a moment." He gives Fyodor a cosmetic pad soaked in light anesthetic.
…Maybe he does know what he's doing after all…
"I didn't really expect you to be so professional with this…"
"Oh, I've worked in a studio for a short time for a friend of mine some time ago! I needed the money for my guitar, and he needed an extra employee for a moment, so it was a win-win. He taught me the basics! I'm not a professional though, it was our little secret!" Nikolai snickered childishly.
"...That's very irresponsible." Fyodor gives him an unimpressed look, "Wait, for how long have you been playing the guitar?"
"Hmmmm, it might be almost a year I think… Why do you ask?"
The purpur eyes widen a bit.
"Oh, that's a pretty short time, I thought you were a veteran, but you said you were saving up for the instrument itself not so long ago."
"What made you think that?" The other giggles once again.
"You're really good, especially for a newbie."
"Oh… You really think so?" There's a small hint of blush on Nikolai's cheeks.
"You know I'm the type to be brutally honest."
"Y-yeah, right… Thank you…" he stutters a bit, still kind of astonished, like he wasn't expecting the sudden compliment.
"Oh, right, the piercing-" he finally snaps out of the ponder.
He grabs a nearby pen, and marks a small dot, making sure his 'client' approves the marking.
"It's gonna be just a few seconds, so take a deep breath, and tell me when you're ready."
"We can start now."
"Oh? Getting straight to the point, I see!
Alright then, I'll get to work right away!"
Nikolai bends over a bit, coming closer to the other's face.
The gloved fingers touch the lips gently, preparing to puncture the needle in the right spot.
Unsure whether it's the waiting or something else, Fyodor can hear his own heartbeat speed up a bit.
Thump, thump.
He can feel the blood pumping through his veins.
"Okay, oneeeee, twooooooo…"
"Gh-" He can't help but make a sound in his throat.
"Aaaaaaaand done! Wasn't so scary, was it? How was the pain?"
"It hurt a bit, but it wasn't so bad."
"Oh okay, that's a relief!"
Nikolai then kisses two of his fingers, and gently presses them onto Fyodor's lip.
"You know how they always say you can 'kiss the pain away'? Hope this helps!" He grins, turning back to clean up the tools.
Fyodor just sits there motionless, like trying to figure out what just happened.
Who knows how long he would have sat there if not for the fact they needed to get on the stage.
And as planned, they take a stroll to the drugstore afterwards.
The sun has already set, but it's still not too chilly, only a bit.
"Thanks for the piercing. How much do I owe you?" Fyodor asks as they walk out of the suburban pharmacy. After a big day of heat, the rain finally starts pouring.
"What? No, no, it's for free!" Nikolai waves his hands.
"Nothing is free, and I don't like to be beholden."
"Fedya, I'm serious. Treat this like a gift. It's the least I can give as a thank you." He gives him a smile.
"But I never did anything?..." The ravenette frowns in confusion.
"You are really dense sometimes, aren't you? Of course you did. Quite a lot actually, at least for me. And I can't deny I started kind of depending on you, no matter how much I don't like it."
Nikolai leans back on the alley brick wall, looking up to the sky. "I never really trusted anyone enough to feel comfortable enough to talk about myself too much, since I never felt like people understood my struggles.
Maybe it's 'cause I never really had a good parental figure in my life, someone who as a child you could fully depend on, who knows. My mom died young, and my father became an addict.
As a kid I never knew whether he was high or not, so we often got into arguments."
"I figured as much."
"I should have expected." Nikolai giggles, "Would you mind if I still talked about it a little?"
"Sure."
"So the scar on my left eye is his work inter alia. I was 11, I think? He threw an empty bottle and one of the shards hit me.
Thank God I didn't go blind in that eye!
But even after all of what he did I can't help but still care about him, no matter how much I hated it. I still remember how after that day he took care of the wound he made when I was sleeping. That doesn't justify him at all obviously, but it makes him feel… still human. It means he still has some sanity left, and that awareness keeps playing with me. I never thought I'd let myself get attached to anyone else again, but… here you are!" He grins.
"I'm afraid I took quite a liking to you." He grabs Fyodor's hands into his own as he says those words, and oh, Fyodor can feel something tickling in his stomach.
Before he can stop himself, he finds his hands gently cupping the other's face.
"F-Fedya?" The two-colored eyes blink in a bit of an astonishment.
"Should I stop, Kolya?" is what rolls out of the ravenette's mouth.
"Ah, no, no, go ahead…"
Unsure of what he should actually do now, Fyodor stays still for a moment, before the other decides to finally crush their lips together.
The idea of romance was always so alien to Fyodor, an emotion so pointless and impossible to fully understand.
And you see it everyday, all around you, everything seems to be somehow connected to love and relationships, though it never really results in anything good.
That's what he thought.
But now, he doesn't mind the touch. He doesn't mind the fact that he's kissing a boy in the middle of a rainstorm.
Both now soaked to the core, but it's far from making them stop.
"Be careful not to irritate the piercing, Fedya," Nikolai whispers, knowing fully well the other probably won't obey.
Fyodor gently traces the scar on his eye with his thumb, memorizing each bump, reading its story, as they share the kisses.
They are messy and breathless, but so eager and longed for, although he's realizing it just now.
He never fully perceived how nice the other's touch was, how gentle he was with him, and oh, how much Fyodor enjoyed it, how much he was lacking it.
After some time, they finally part.
They both pant for a bit, before Nikolai starts giggling.
Soon enough, Fyodor finds himself laughing a bit too, as much as he knows how to do so.
They both looked so amusing, their hair and clothes damp, eyeliner smeared, Nikolai's lipstick now shared by them both.
Normally, Fyodor despises being wet, but for some reason, he can't bring himself to care about it now.
He rests his head on the other's chest.
"I can hear your heart," he whispers.
"And what does it say?"
"That people are cold." He wraps his arms around the much more firm and stronger body, soon being met with a similar grip.
Thump, thump
He continues to listen to the melody of Nikolai's heart.
It's his favorite one.
"Tell me, have you ever tried writing a song yourself?"
"Hmmmm, not really, I mean, I did write some songs, but was never satisfied enough to actually perform them… except maybe that one I performed the first time at the bar where we first met. I find it kind of hard to make a track I like with only electric guitar, it's never dynamic enough… "
"It was your own song?" Fyodor is a bit shocked, but doesn't admit it out loud.
"Yeah, I guess..."
"Maybe we can try making one together, I heard there will be an event in the bar soon."
"Huh?"
"I can compose the music with you. I already have an idea…"
"Hahah, why so sudden?"
"...Dunno."
- - -
It's currently 2am, but loud shuffling is audible from Fyodor's apartment.
Staying up for so long isn't really a problem for him since he doesn't have a shift in the morning in the shop, but the twangs his guitar makes as he tests out each note, they might be an issue for the neighbors…
He might not have a shift the next day in the acoustic shop where he works part-time, but that doesn't mean other people aren't trying to sleep now.
Yet the ravenette is too lost in his spirit to acknowledge this before someone knocks the door with complaints.
One, two, five sheets of paper are laying on the floor with countless other balls of scrunched ideas.
Fyodor doesn't remember when was the last time he was so focused on playing, or even the last time he genuinely enjoyed doing it.
"No… it's not like that…" he murmurs from time to time, scribbling over the tune he's composing.
A ding from his phone snaps him back to reality.
Ah, it's Nikolai.
"I can see you're active, why are you awake Fedya!! >:(("
"I could say the same thing about you."
The typing bubble pops up and disappears a few times, implying that Nikolai has some trouble getting the right answer. Amusing.
"Well, I at least sleep in late, while you barely get any rest!"
That is a valid point.
"I don't need rest."
"Everybody needs rest dummy! Now shoo shoo, go to bed!!"
"I really don't need to, Nikolai."
"If you don't go to sleep I am not making this song with you."
…
Fyodor would really like to say he doesn't care, but he would be lying if he said he didn't get at least a little invested in their plan.
"Fine, but you go too." He writes back very displeased, but if it's gotta be done, he'll do it.
It feels nice to see someone caring about you, it creates a warm feeling in Fyodor's chest, but only slightly.
- - -
"As you probably know, I was playing around with some tracks yesterday," Fyodor says, turning on his laptop, and laying down a few sheets of paper on the bar's staff room floor. "I wanted to work on it some more, but a certain someone stopped me."
"So you did listen to me afterall!"
"I thought one day of more sleep won't hurt."
"You make me really worried about your sleep schedule, you know Fedya?" Nikolai squints his eyes in disapproval.
"Less babbling, and more listening to what I have right now," Fyodor responds, turning his eyes on the monitor, looking for the right file. He can feel Nikolai's curious gaze on him.
It doesn't take long for the ravenette to find what he's looking for, and soon enough the starting chords of the bass guitar are audible.
Fyodor quickly glances at Nikolai, analyzing his expression.
To his surprise, he is not quite sure what is going on inside his head, and the unsureness gives a slight stressed twist to his stomach.
He didn't realize how distressing it can be waiting for someone's opinion when you actually care about it.
The song isn't even the full version yet, but as soon as it ends, he can feel a grip on his shoulders.
"Fedya, this is amazing!" Nikolai's eyes sparkle.
"It's still a beta version." Fyodor surprises himself with his sudden modesty. "Plus, it still needs your help."
"Even so, I already love it! And I'll be more than happy to have my part in it!" He gives one of his usual, honest smiles, the ones that shake something in Fyodor, despite his cold nature. "I can show you ideas of what I would add with my electric guitar!" Nikolai zips out the instrument.
"Go ahead."
"Okay, so here maybe I would add a G chord? And an E after that! Or no, F would sound better!" He swings his finger around the sheets of notes, as the ravenette nods to everything he says.
That boy really has some talent, because each of his additions are perfect.
It feels like they really understand each other when it comes to music, like their own kind of language no one else can read as well as they can.
"Will you be able to write some lyrics too?" Fyodor suddenly asks.
"Oh, I can?"
"Yeah, I was imagining the song with your vocals. I like your voice." He smiles slightly, looking into the other's eyes, which makes it certain that he truly means it.
It brings a subtle blush on Nikolai's cheeks.
"Thank you…" he says a bit bashfully.
He looks kind of cute, the pink contrasting the white hair in the golden evening sun is really pretty.
And so, as the straight forward person he is, Fyodor says exactly what's on his mind.
"The golden beam really suits you."
"Fedyaaaaaaaaa!", the white haired boy exclaims, covering his face.
"What?" The other smirks.
"Stop it! You're making me blush…"
"But I'm just saying what I think though?"
"T-this didn't help at all!"
"Should I not say it then?"
"That's not- God, you're such a tease!"
Fyodor lets out a huff, which later turns into a slight giggle. Soon enough, this brings out a laugh from the other, too.
- - -
Time moves on, and with it the day of the event.
Now the only thing that's left to do is final touches, as various artists get ready to perform.
As Nikolai is tuning his guitar, Fyodor notices the lack of the usual braid, which puts him off a little.
"Did you forget to do your hair today?"
"Huh? Ah, of course not, Fedya! It's kind of a special occasion, so I thought I would let them free for today. Do I look stupid?" he asks in response.
"No, no, that's not what I meant, it's just kind of an unusual view."
"Oh, okay."
"...Could I try braiding it for you?" Fyodor finds himself thumbing with his hands a little. To be honest, he's been wanting to do this for some time now. For some reason Kolya's hair is very fascinating to him.
"Uh- Ah, yeah, sure!" Nikolai responds, reaching to his bag for a hair tie, as Fyodor settles himself on the floor next to him.
"Do you know how to do it?"
"Yeah, I think…" he brushes his fingers through the silver hair. He really likes the soft and silky texture under his fingers, and how the wisps curl a little, but only at the ends.
While he tries to braid the hair, Nikolai can hear him grumble from time to time, which makes him fight the urge to smile too hard that Fyodor doesn't notice, the ravenette is trying his best after all.
…
"...I think we should have kept it loose," Fyodor mutters displeased, scrunching his eyes at the tangled… something. He's not even sure if you could call it a braid.
But just as he reaches out to do so, a hand snatches the hair before him.
"No!"
"But it's terrible, Kolya-"
"I don't care! You did it for me, so I want to perform in it!" he says, protecting the braid-thing like it's something very important. Was it really so crucial that Fyodor was the one who did it?
Well, maybe it was…
And so his stubborn friend(?) went on stage with Fyodor's hair creation, looking very pleased as it bounced and swung while he sang.
Maybe it wasn't so bad after all, the messy style actually fitting the overall grunge vibe of the owner, or maybe it's Nikolai so in his spirit being so pleasant to look at, that it really stopped mattering.
He seemed so free, putting all his passion into what he loves the most, that it automatically makes you want to give your best too.
He really put a lot of effort into writing the lyrics, Fyodor knows it the best, he saw the whole process, he heard the way he hummed the melody countless times, looking for inspiration. He seemed to be never satisfied enough, yet for the ravennete, each version was beautiful, the voice so clean, addicting to listen to.
But they shared those moments together, something Fyodor would never think of just a few months ago.
And when the song comes to an end, Fyodor walks closer to grip his face with one of his hands, and kisses him right there on the stage.
It's a bit risky, but here, he knows he can.
Here, they are free.
The crowd cheers as they part, Nikolai looking absolutely dumbfounded, flushed both from the performance and the sudden kiss.
But the content expression on his face instantly disappears when the heterochromatic eyes catch a glimpse at the crowd.
He quickly bows one last time, and swiftly takes his things, stepping from the stage.
"Kolya?"
No response. Fyodor for some reason can't even get a look on his face now.
Was Nikolai angry? Was he displeased with what happened onstage?
The ravenette manages to catch his wrist just in time.
He can feel the other's muscles twitch as two people approach them.
"Nikolai? Is that you?" one of the guys asks.
"Gogol? No way!" the other exclaims.
"You know these people?" Fyodor whispers, but doesn't get an answer. It's like the other's throat is locked.
"You should at least say hi to your good ol' friends y'know!" One of the guys places a hand on Nikolai's shoulder, to which he shudders.
"Fuck off." Fyodor growls, and tugs Nikolai away. Maybe it was a bit too harsh since the men didn't really give off any malicious vibes, but Nikolai was acting really strange.
When they walk a great few meters away, he tries asking him again.
"Kolya, are you alright? Talk to me."
Fyodor finally gets a look of his face.
He is pale.
"...I feel nauseous."
…
"Are you feeling better?"
There's a water pouring sound from the tap water. Nikolai wets his face in the public washbasin to get a grip on himself.
"They know…"
"What?"
"They know, theyknowtheyknowtheyknow-"
"Nikolai, look at me." Fyodor grips the other's shaky wrist, a bit worried about his safety.
"They know. They saw. What if they tell someone else? What if they call the police? What if they arrest us? What if-"
"Kolya.
Everything's okay.
They won't do anything."
"How can you be so sure about that, Fedya?" He smiles sarcastically, his voice trembling. Fyodor has never seen Nikolai like that, if anyone at all.
"They really didn't seem to have any evil intentions. Are these guys your colleagues?"
"No… high school classmates…"
"Did you have any troubles with them in the past?" Unsure about what he should do, he starts tracing circles with his thumbs into the other's wrists, in an attempt to calm him down a little.
He's a bit dumb when it comes to sharing empathy, not even talking about actually calming someone down, but he's hoping it can help at least a bit.
"...Not really, but still- they- they might–"
"Then they won't, Kolya, they won't. Even if they try, we will stop them, okay?"
Bitter tears start pouring down the scarred cheek, accompanied by the sound of slight sobs shortly after.
The ball of white hair bumps his chest.
"You're good-" it hicks, "too good…"
"Let's go to my apartment, okay?"
"Mhm…"
- - -
It's already dark outside when the house keys finally jiggle to open the door.
The inside is dark and quiet, the apartment corridor lightened only a bit by the almost full moon creeping from behind the closed curtains.
So quiet…
The only sound hearable are their own footsteps as they walk in.
"You can take a bath if you want. Hot water is good for tensing down the muscles," Fyodor suggests, taking off his coat.
"...Yeah, I might do just that…" the other replies silently, his gaze still a bit dull.
"Okay. You know where the towels are, right? The top cabinet over the mirror."
"Thanks." Finally, a painful but familiar smile lingers across the other's face. This puts Fyodor back at peace a bit, although still not entirely.
The white braid sways away so slowly, lacking the usual energy as Nikolai closes the bathroom door.
The ravenette reaches out to the kitchen cabinet and pulls out two mugs.
Clicks a switch on a teapot next, as the water starts bubbling.
The purpur eyes close, concentrating on the hum of the boiling water, and begins sorting things out in his mind.
He's definitely not used to the view of someone breaking down, especially not when it's Nikolai.
But things happen, right?
Nonetheless, an unpleasant bulge builds up in his throat.
He doesn't like the thought of the person he grew fond of being in pain.
It frustrates him.
So much of this is still so new to him or long forgotten, all he knew before was each day being the same, colorless.
He didn't even mind it back then, it's how it always was, pointless and repetitive, he grew used to it with time.
But something has changed.
Fyodor; such a cold and always inert person is now moved by a person acting differently than usual.
Click.
The water is ready.
This snaps him out of the ponder.
His slender porcelain hands fill the cups carefully. The nail polish started to chip a little, he will need to ask Nikolai to help him put on a fresh coat of black.
He watches as the tea dissolves in the hot liquid, and dyes it in a dark raspberry tint.
Just as he finishes preparing the drink, the bathroom doors open.
"Already finished? You could stay a little longer, I wouldn't mind."
"I didn't want to use too much water."
"It's no trouble, really. Are you feeling better?"
"Yeah, a bit better." Nikolai still isn't fully back to normal, but he sure does look more healthy, his hair wet, and his lower half wrapped in a white towel, but a relaxed expression on his face.
"I managed to find some old sweatpants that were too big on me, maybe they'll fit you."
"Oh, thanks." He smiles softly.
Fyodor turns his back so the other can change in privacy.
That should be enough, right?
Nikolai doesn't seem to be bothered with his presence…
When the other is ready he turns back to put the cups on the tea table. It's then when he notices Nikolai's back.
"You have a tattoo?"
It's a pair of wings settled on his shoulder blades, spreading on his forearms.
It's a neat piece of art.
"Oh, yeah, I haven't shown you before, right? I've had it for two years now."
"You got it while being seventeen?" Fyodor's eyes widened a bit in surprise.
"Yeah, remember that guy who taught me how to pierce? He is also a tattoo artist."
"Oh, yeah, that guy."
"Yeah! He can come off as a timid and always indecisive slouch at first, but when in his element he is pretty talented, doing everything with exact precision. Quite a nice guy to talk to. We could meet up sometime!"
"That's a thought. I would be pleased to meet a friend of yours." The ravenette sends a gentle smile as he steps closer.
His slender fingers find their way to Nikolai's back, gently tracing the inked lines on his back examining the texture of the skin.
"Hey, Fedya…"
"Yeah?"
"Would it be okay if I stayed over tonight? Just this one time… My father is still under arrest, and…"
"Sure."
But they both know it will probably end up being longer than staying over just for one night, but neither of them say it out loud.
"If I remember correctly, you always lived alone, right Fedya?"
"Well, kind of. I mean, sure, the orphanage was filled with other kids, but I had my own room, but never did, and neither really wanted to socialize with others."
"Did you know your parents?"
"No. They never really reached out for contact, so after time I stopped caring completely."
"You must have felt so lonely all this time…"
To his own surprise, tears start prickling Fyodor's eyes.
He can't even recall the last time he actually cried, so it stunned him how he felt right now, especially because there wasn't any real reason to.
He swallowed the tears down though.
"Maybe a bit. You can't really long for something you don't know.
But it's different now," he says.
"How do you feel right now then?"
"It's kind of weird. Or more like… yet to learn. But surely not lonely.
Not anymore."
He wraps his arms around the other's waist. It's surprisingly thin compared to his strong build. He also plants a kiss on the other's nape.
Tenderness…
That's what it is, right?
Nikolai turns around to face him, and connects their mouths in response.
It's passionate, yet such a delicate touch.
Nikolai's lips are so soft… they taste sweet, with a tinge of sour, but in the best way possible.
Fyodor buries his hands in the white frizzy hair he loves so much. They're still a little damp, but nice to touch nonetheless, while Nikolai's hands sneak onto the ravenettes waist, touching the skin under his shirt.
They accidentally trip, landing on the bed next to them.
"Pft- hahahah!" Nikolai giggles, and Fyodor can't help but smile, seeing his Kolya finally back to his usual self.
"Y'know, I'm glad I met you," says Nikolai, tucking a strand of the black silky hair behind the other's ear.
"Well, I sure hope you don't regret it." Fyodor lets out a huff, and bends over to revive the touch, now in a more of a stable position.
"I could never…" Nikolai mouths the words softly, before reconnecting their already swollen lips.
It feels great. It feels safe. The touch being so intimate and special, but longed for, their skin so deprived of another person's heat.
The desire to treat the other with such care, such tenderness, like it's a small flower, a bloom so easy to accidentally step on without even noticing, is finally free.
…
Fyodor looks over to the window, the blue shine of the moon spreading over the room.
"Something happened?" Nikolai asks, clutching the sheets to his bare chest, his hair disheveled, lips swollen in a pink tint.
Fyodor turns around and stares at the view of his lover for a moment, before replying;
"I just thought I'd take a quick shower before going to sleep."
"Oh, okay," Nikolai responds with a slight grin, his eyes already sleepy.
When he comes back, he is met with the white haired boy curled up, already snoring.
…Adorable.
He seems to finally be put in great peace, getting some well deserved rest.
Fyodor gets in the bed once again, very careful not to disturb the other's slumber.
He glances at Nikolai one last time, before tucking a white strand behind his ear, and very gently embracing his head, like in an attempt to protect him from harm.
It causes a sense of safety to awaken for him as well.
There's still a lot for him to learn about Nikolai, but it will all surely be explained to him at the right time, so there's no need to hurry.
Fyodor still needs to fully understand his own emotions first, but he's slowly starting to get used to them.
"Все вокруг тупое, поэтому я с тобою…"
(Everything around is stupid, that's why I'm with you.)