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The world around Melissa is blurry and unfocused. She blinks, yawning. Her head is pounding, and her body aches. She tries to wipe her eyes. But she can’t move her arm.
She freezes, then pulls on her arm. She still can’t move it. Or her other arm. Or her legs. “Milo!” She cries out, panic hitting her.
“Whoa, whoa, I’m here.” Relief floods through her when she hears Milo’s voice. “How do you feel?”
“Sore. And I can’t move. Milo, what’s going on?” She tries to stop panicking, now that Milo is here. But she can’t. Being restrained freaks her out, it feels far too familiar. Although these restraints feel odd. They feel soft, even though they are still restrictive and frighten her.
Milo takes a deep breath. “Melissa, can you remember what happened?”
Melissa frowns, trying to think. She remembers being captured. She remembers being rescued, getting back to the base. And then… then…
It hits her.
“I… I…” She goes limp, horror flooding through her. “I… they controlled me, I hurt you…”
Milo puts a hand on her shoulder. “It’s not your fault, you don’t need to feel guilty.”
“I nearly killed you! I would’ve killed you.” She feels terrible, so terrible. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, are you ok?! I… I…” Her breathing gets faster and faster. She can see it all happening, right behind her eyes. She tries squeezing her eyes shut, but she can still see it. Milo pinned to the ground underneath her, pleading with her, trying so hard to help her without hurting her. And she still nearly killed him.
“Hey, hey.” Milo rubs circles on her shoulder, keeping his voice low and gentle. “How about I get those restraints off, and-“
“No!” She yells. “No, what if he takes control again? You’ve gotta keep me restrained, I’m dangerous, I’m dangerous.” Tears burn in her eyes.
“No. No, Melissa, you’re not.” Milo says. “I promise, it’ll be alright. Phineas and Ferb fixed what they did to you. We just put these on in case it didn’t work, but it clearly did. You’re back now.” Milo smiles down at her. She can see the worry creasing his face.
“But what if it didn’t work? What if they’re just gonna bide their time until there’s a better opportunity for me to kill you all?” She can’t breathe. She can’t think.
“Then we’ll handle that if it happens.” Milo soothes. “You know that we can handle it if it happens again. We can’t just leave you tied up forever on the chance that v-tech could control you. That’s not right.”
“Then- then lock me up. Keep me in a cell.” Melissa says desperately. “Just lock me in my room, it’s not mean or cruel, it’s necessary. You’ve gotta protect everyone.”
“And I also have to protect you.” Milo says softly, squeezing her shoulder. “And I won’t do that to you. I’m going to take the restraints off now.”
She feels the pressure disappear as Milo undoes them. She sits up, wrapping her arms around herself. She can still see the damage that she caused. While she was trying to kill Milo. Sure, she wasn’t in control, but that makes it even worse. Because she can’t stop it from happening again. It could happen any time. She could be forced to hurt these people that have been kind to her, kinder than she could ever believe that she deserves.
“At least take my weapon off.” She practically begs, holding out her hand. “Please. Milo, I don’t want to hurt you.”
“Ok, I’ll take it off.” Milo says. “But I need you to remember that this isn’t a punishment, ok? You haven’t done anything wrong.”
If she hasn’t, why does she feel like she has?
They take off the weapon and attach the new hand that Phineas and Ferb built. She hugs herself tightly, still jittery, and utterly terrified that she might suddenly turn and attack Milo. Sure, she doesn’t feel like she will, but she didn’t feel like that before either. She just had a headache, and suddenly she wasn’t in control anymore. Something else took over. And she is so scared that it might happen again.
“Do you want to stay here for a while, or go to your room, or to the common room?” Milo asks. Melissa can’t push away her nerves. Milo is acting like she just had another panic attack, or hurt herself, something small and harmless. But she nearly killed him. She was used as a weapon, again.
If she goes to the common room, there will be a lot of people around. If she is controlled again, they will be able to subdue her before she can hurt anyone. She hopes.
Milo holds her hand as they walk down the corridor. She takes a deep breath before they enter. She was recovering, she felt comfortable and safe. And now that’s gone. Not because she expects her fellow rebels to hurt her, but because she is terrified of hurting them.
There are a few people in the common room. They smile and wave and greet her, and guilt pulses in her. They are so kind, when they have every reason to be suspicious. Like they were before, they are kind to the dangerous weapon, the ticking bomb.
She sits down on one of the mismatched sofas, picking at a stray thread. Everyone is talking very casually, very lightly. Melissa feels like the elephant in the room. No one mentions anything, but the air is thick with tension. She takes long, deep breaths, trying her best to stay calm.
Zack pokes his head in through the door, making her jump. “Melissa, Candace wants you.”
Melissa feels like she is stewing the whole way to Candace’s office. Is Candace going to kick her out? If Melissa is more of a danger than a help, then throwing her out would be sensible. Her brain spirals, images of being taken apart so her robotic parts can be used for more useful things, and the human parts being thrown into a garage heap. Verliezer threatened it so many times, she can’t stop thinking about it. That’s all that scrap metal is good for, a mantra that plays in her head no matter how much time passes.
She needs to calm down. Candace wouldn’t do that to her, Candace wouldn’t be so cruel.
But Candace still needs to keep everyone safe. That’s her job, and Melissa is now an obstacle to that. Milo isn’t the boss, Candace is. Candace might want to keep her restrained, restraints that are so much softer than she is used to and yet still make her want to panic. Or she might want to lock her in her room, turn it into a cell that she is only allowed out of occasionally.
And Melissa will comply. Melissa will encourage it. She doesn’t want it, she hates being restrained, trapped, tied up, it is far too familiar and sends her into a spiral of panic and trauma. And she doesn’t want to be locked up, she has enjoyed her new, precious freedom. She has enjoyed being able to walk to the toilet along the corridor, walk to the kitchen and make herself breakfast, walk to the common room and sit there. Sit with the humans, sit like a human.
She doesn’t want that to change, but as long as she might be dangerous? She knows that it needs to. Melissa wants to protect these brave, kind rebels, as much as Candace does. She can give up her freedom and comfort for a while, until they are absolutely certain.
She knocks on the door, the metal against wood making a loud noise. “Enter!” Candace yells.
Melissa opens the door. “Candace.” She nods formally. “You asked to see me?”
“Sit.” Candace nods at the chair. Melissa sits down. “How are you feeling?”
“Fine.” Melissa says. “Candace, I’m really sorry about what happened. I had no idea that they were going to do that, I thought that they were just restoring my tracker and camera.”
“What? Don’t apologise, you haven’t done anything wrong.” Candace assured her. “You’re not in trouble, if you think that’s why you’re here. You were controlled.”
“I know.” Melissa says, trying not to squirm. “I know that you need to do something about it, and I don’t mind.”
“Yes, Phineas and Ferb have checked you over, and they’re pretty sure that you’re fine. But we’ll be cautious until they’re sure, and they’ll check some more over the next few weeks.” Candace says. Melissa can’t stop fiddling with the screws on her arm.
“Do you want me to go to my room, or the workshop?”
“Uh, whichever you like?” Candace looks confused.
“Can I go to my room?” Melissa picks at the small gap between her hand and her arm, trying to stay calm until she is alone. She can freak out when she is alone. Panic and cry and wallow in guilt and fear.
“Sure.” Candace looks back at her phone. Melissa hovers awkwardly in the door, waiting for further explanation or command. But none comes.
“Um, Candace? Is someone coming to lock me in or should I go get Milo to do it?”
Candace looks up from her phone. “Uh, what?”
Asking once felt hard, twice feels impossible. But Melissa forces herself to be brave. “Is someone coming to lock me in my room?”
Candace puts her phone down, her eyebrows raised high over her eyes. “What? No, why would they?”
“To keep everyone safe. In case V-Tech controls me again.” Melissa says.
“No, no, we’re not doing that.” Candace shakes her head, standing up. Melissa flinches roughly. “Melissa, kid, you can’t blame yourself for what they did. And we aren’t going to punish you for it either.”
“I’m dangerous.” Melissa wraps her arms around herself, the metal hard and cold and unforgiving. “I’m a dangerous cyborg, I could hurt someone. You need to lock me up to protect everyone from me.”
“You’re a child.” Candace puts her hands on Melissa’s shoulders. She tenses. Candace is always intense, in a way that draws Melissa in as much as it scares her. Intensity is scary, intensity so often preceded pain before. But Candace is so kind. And right now, even more intense than normal. She grips Melissa’s shoulders tightly. “Melissa, you are a child. A terrified, traumatised child who just went through something extremely traumatic. I am not going to lock you up, alone in your room, when you’re already suffering. That would be cruel.”
She squeezes Melissa’s shoulders. Melissa stares at her. Candace face blurs over, then clears when Melissa blinks. She is suddenly terrified, terrified that she might lose control and throw her boss to the floor, hurt her, kill her. She tries to back away, but Candace holds firm.
“I know that you feel guilty about it, Melissa, I understand that. God, I know that I would if it happened to me.” Candace sighs, making eye contact with her. “But you feeling guilty doesn’t mean that you are guilty. You haven’t done anything, and hurting you- and locking you up would be hurting you, with your trauma- would be wrong. So I won’t do it, and anyone here who even thought about it would have to deal with me.”
Melissa’s legs shake underneath her, and she is suddenly sure that she is going to collapse. “But… what if I hurt someone?”
“Then I’ll handle it.” Candace pats her shoulders. “I’m not gonna let you kill anyone, kid, promise.”
Melissa is still scared. Still terrified of hurting one of her friends. But somehow, she finds that she believes Candace. “Now, how about you go back to the common room? Milo will be tearing his hair out worrying about you.” Candace pats her on the head.
Melissa hesitates. Her first instinct, as it always is, is to follow orders immediately, unquestioningly. But something else pokes for her attention, and after a long hesitation she chances it. “Candace, can I stay here? Just for a little bit?” She sounds pleading, plaintive, almost childish.
Candace looks at her. Melissa winces, looking down. “Sorry. Don’t mean to whine. Or bother you, I’ll- I’ll go.”
Candace tussles her hair, smiling. “You can stay in here.”
Melissa sits down on the floor, leaning against the wall. She can’t stop jumping, is tense and anxious. But Candace’s voice fills the tense silence, as she talks about her brothers and their ‘terrifying, irritating inventions’, her friends who ‘I mean I haven’t hung out with much recently, but turns out fighting an evil dystopian corporation together is actually pretty good for bonding’, her ‘I think we’re dating but I’m not sure and there’s this whole rebellion going on that’s been really distracting both of us’ relationship with Jeremy. Melissa likes Jeremy, he’s sweet and compassionate and gentle with her.
She sits there for a while, slowly relaxing to the lullaby of Candace’s loud, passionate, intense voice. And while she is still half expecting to lose control at any time, somehow she trusts Candace’s promise. She feels safe around her.
Someone knocks on the door. “Come in!” Candace yells. Melissa shrinks back against the wall, dreading the questioning.
When she sees Milo, she relaxes. Milo doesn’t look as relaxed as normal. “Hey boss. Do you know where Melissa went?”
Candace doesn’t even look up from her phone, just points. Melissa raises an awkward hand in greeting. The tension drops out of Milo when he sees her. “Oh, hi Melissa. Doing ok?”
“I’m fine. Sorry for worrying you.”
“Don’t worry about it.” Milo reassures her. “Want me to go?”
“Well you’re not staying here. This is my office, not a common room.” Candace says sternly, although when Melissa winces she smiles reassuringly at her. “You can stay if you want, Melissa, but you’re not all hanging out here. But how about you go with Milo? He can handle it if anything happens.”
Melissa hesitates. She is still scared. And still guilty. She’ll probably wallow in the guilt for this for days, weeks, months, she’ll probably be terrified of herself for a long time. But she trusts Milo. And she trusts Candace, and Zack, and the other rebels.
“Yeah.” She stands, and follows Milo to join the others.