Chapter Text
Carlos doesn’t know what he’s doing when he ends up at the pet store after taking his mother home. His heart is heavy, filled with thoughts of things he had tried so hard not to think about or bring up in his life. He told his mother that he doesn’t avoid things, but the truth is he does.
He avoids the hard conversations and tries to live in the happier moments, not wanting to say or do anything that could upset the balance of what he has in life. It’s not the best way to live or cope with the traumas he’s tried so hard to pretend he doesn’t have. He knows that, but it’s gotten him through so much of life already that it’s become second nature.
He wants to stop doing that. He’s not sure how but he knows he needs to figure it out, for his sake and TK’s.
Carlos drums his fingers across the steering wheel, thinking as he peers out the window at the pet store . It’s not one he’s been to - honestly he’s only ever been to one - but it’s the one that came up on Google when he searched “where to get pet lizards near me.” He knows that it’s not the solution to the problem, but he hopes it’s a symbol of how much he cares about TK.
Maybe it’ll help them bridge the chasm - as TK had put it - that opened up between them since the kid topic came up - a topic he had hoped naively would not come up for many years.
He sighs heavily, letting his head drop back against the headrest, and closes his eyes. His body feels heavy, shoulders tense with anxiety, tears prickling at the corners of his eyes because he’s sure that this is the end. This is what’s going to break him and TK, the difference of opinions on wanting kids, and Carlos won’t even blame TK. He can’t give him that, not yet and maybe not ever.
He sniffles, wiping his eyes, and forces himself out of the car, telling himself that a lizard might be a good compromise for the moment, maybe an olive branch to open the conversation he knows he needs to have with TK. If TK decides that Carlos being unsure and not ready to have kids - and maybe never being ready - is the deal breaker then at least TK can have a lizard to keep him company. It might be a better company for TK anyway, at least it wouldn’t break TK’s heart and make stupid decisions like buying an entire loft without talking to him.
Carlos pauses at the doors of the pet store and composes himself, pushing everything down once again and putting a charming smile on his face.
He is not going to run away screaming at all the reptiles the place probably has.
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Hours after arriving home with a new lizard friend, Carlos lies awake staring up into the darkness and aching for a for a future he wants to give TK, but isn't sure he can
Carlos thinks about how the night is always loudest when he can’t sleep, his mind focusing on every little sound like the volume on the night has been turned up to 100. The noise of cars outside, a dog barking in the distance, the clock in their living room that he never hears unless he's awake and can't sleep . It’s a lot, but it’s not as loud as the noise that’s in his head.
For so long, Carlos had barely let himself imagine a future. When he was younger and people would ask him the typical “where do you see yourself in five years? In ten years? In twenty years?” he never knew how to answer because he wasn’t sure what kind of future was in store for a person like him.
He always shrugged and said “happy,” but he never knew if happiness was in the cards for him.
Then, three years ago when he saw TK at the scene of an accident and later again under the lights at the bar, and had his first thought about marrying him. Until then, Carlos hadn’t thought it was possible for him to love anyone as deeply and fully as he loves TK. He had become content with moving through life finding some satisfaction with one-night stands and staying married to a woman he wasn't committed to anymore because the possibility of having a life like the one he has now had seemed so far out of reach then.
It wasn’t the best of times for him, semi-in-the closet and trying to live life as quietly as he could. He never saw a future for himself where he got to live with and love another man, especially not a man like TK who loves him with his full heart and puts so much of himself into caring for others. It didn’t seem possible. His future wasn’t one that was going to be filled with rainbows and soft kisses, love and light, a partner who cares for him, and a relationship with his parents where he didn’t feel like he had to hide.
Now that future is closer: in fact, he’s living it every day. Everything he’d ever secretly let himself want in the dark of night is so close he can almost taste it.
And it scares him to death.
TK has given him so much - a life where he can be proud and in love, friends who accept him for who he is, a reconnection with his family, and a relationship with his father he never had before - and Carlos wants so badly to be able to give TK everything that he wants. He wants to spend every day of his life making TK happy and providing for him for the life he’s opened up for Carlos to love.
But there’s one thing he can’t give him, not right now - and maybe not ever - kids.
It kills him to look at TK and not be able to happily plan a future where they both get the chance to be dads and raise kids together. He thinks about the look TK gave him after they talked to officiants, the conversation where he tried to convince TK that he just wants to travel and sleep in with him before thinking about kids. Of course, TK called him out on that.
He thinks about the conversation they had hours ago, where TK so readily said okay and accepted that Carlos might not ever be in a place where he’s ready to be a father.
And he feels guilty.
He lets out a soft sigh, rubbing a hand over his face before turning to look at TK, the love of his life, sleeping beside him. He takes in the soft look on TK’s face, lips curved up into the tiniest, barely there smile as if he’s dreaming of something nice. Carlos hopes he is. TK always looks so relaxed and peaceful when he’s asleep. Carlos wishes he could feel some of that peace right now.
Instead, the demons of his mind are up, fighting against him with all their might.
He lies there watching TK for a few more minutes before slipping out of bed. He brushes his fingers across TK’s hand, curled up on Carlos’ pillow, centimeters away from where Carlos’ head just was, before tucking the blanket around him. He quietly slips out of the room, into their living room, and takes a seat on the couch, arms resting on his knees as his head falls heavily into his hands. His body is tense, shoulders aching from the weight that he puts on himself trying to always be put together and “cool as a breeze” - as Paul would put it - pushing down everything inside until it all fits neatly into a box.
Lately, though, all of the things he has managed to push down throughout his life and shove into a box where he’s actively ignored them have started to come up, making themselves known again. He’s tried to shove them back down, to keep moving on as if he doesn’t have a lifetime of trauma, regret, and sadness behind him, but they weren’t having it. All of it was making itself known and Carlos isn’t sure how to handle it. He’s never been sure how to handle it, let alone talk about any of the things he’s hidden in order to appear perfect in all areas of his life.
The latest thing was the kids question and the fact that before now, TK and Carlos had managed to not talk about it. For three years, Carlos has managed to avoid the question. He knows how important that conversation is but there has always been a part of him that hoped would never come up and it would be something he could shove deep down inside and never confront because it’s the one thing Carlos isn’t sure he can give to TK.
He desperately wants to give TK everything that he wants, that he deserves, but this is one thing that Carlos can’t make himself want to give right now. It’s something that he’s very rarely ever allowed himself to think about and when he did, it was always tainted with memories of his own childhood and relationship with his parents.
He sighs heavily again, running his hands through his curls and making them even more of a mess than they already were. He stands up and paces around the living room, trying to get out some of the restless energy that’s running through his veins.
As he paces, his thoughts grow, as do his feelings. He knows that he’s starting to spiral, but he can’t help it, and he can’t stop it. He wants to be enough for TK, to provide for him in all areas of his life, and to give him the future he’s always dreamed of. Carlos feels like he’s made up of little holes, just enough to be most of a person but not enough to be whole and able to give the people in his life all that they deserve from him.
Carlos lets out a sound, a sudden sob coming out from the depth of his soul and echoing loud in the loft. He shoves his fist into his mouth to try and keep himself quiet so he doesn’t wake TK. The guilt that he’s felt all day starts clawing at him from the inside, making him feel like he’s falling apart. He thinks more about how TK so easily accepted the bearded dragon, his explanation that could have been better, and wonders why TK stays with him.
Carlos, who has lied and kept so much from TK, all of it coming out when they’re weeks away from committing to each other forever. He knows he’s gone about all of it wrong and it isn’t fair that he’s led TK on this long while keeping so many big truths to himself. He sat by and watched TK go through therapy and work on bettering himself and growing into a more mature adult while Carlos just shoved everything down and didn’t make an effort to grow himself. He should have - he knows that now because now he’s behind TK and might never catch up with him.
He wonders if TK will be happy with him five years from now. Four years from now? Next year? Will TK be happy without having a child of their own, growing a family, and thriving as a dad like Carlos knows he would? His body shakes with the tears he tries to stifle and swallows down his feelings again as he spirals further, thinking about how he should give TK an out, let TK walk away without feeling guilty about it. It’s the right thing to do after all that he’s kept from TK.
Carlos feels like if he’s never ready to give TK children, he’s going to grow to resent him even though TK already said he’s not going to. He can’t bring himself to believe that, though, because how can he? How can TK be happy with just him when nobody else ever has?
Carlos lets out a soft whimper, dropping back down onto the couch as his shoulders shake and all the doubts he’s ever had about himself fill his mind. He’s so lost in his head, distracted by thoughts of how TK should leave him for the lies and how Carlos isn’t enough for him, that he doesn’t hear their bedroom door roll open, doesn’t even hear TK until he feels the couch dip beside him and TK’s arms wrap around him.
He leans into the touch, allowing himself to find a little comfort in TK’s arms even though he shouldn’t. He shouldn’t let TK comfort him when all of this is his fault and he’s in this situation because he’s avoided everything big and tried to play it off like he didn’t. He’s sure most of the things that have happened in the last couple of months, hell last year, could have been avoided if he’d just spoken up and not let things stay pushed down in boxes, gathering dust.
“I’m here,” TK says softly and Carlos wonders for how long.