Archive of Our Own ^beta

the gun show: kon, would you PLEASE change your fuckin username already

mpreg bb: why would i do that?

mcdonalds: bc one of ur parents knew about u from the start, which would make him the mpregnant one, which means every time i see ur name it makes me think of a pregnant lex luthor

mcdonalds: & if you keep making me deal with that im gonna weaken you w kryptonite until i can eat ur kneecaps

gotta go fast: so on the topic of parebtz

gotta go fast: *pzremts

gotta go fast: *oatwmtd

mpreg bb: wow

gotta go fast: *parebys

gotta go fast: *paregnrs

mcdonalds: dude we already know what you mean pls stop

the gun show: no, no. i want to see where he's going with this

gotta go fast: *praw n bds

mpreg bb: oh my god

gotta go fast: *pst r nts

gotta go fast: *parents

mpreg bb: flawless victory

gotta go fast: anyway

gotta go fast: i have a question

gotta go fast: for science

the gun show: is it about how tim's gonna eat kneecaps?

gotta go fast: why would i need to ask about that?

gotta go fast: i want to know how many heroes are orphans

gotta go fast: because it seems pretty common

the gun show: huh

mcdonalds: personal tragedy *is* a pretty common motivation for heroism. but also for villainy, so. anecdotally even odds off the top of my head

mpreg bb: only anectdotally?

mcdonalds: obvs i could pull up bs records, but thats not off the top of my head any more, is it

mcdonalds: which raises the question of what u actually want from us w this one, bart

the gun show: we can always start by going through the team: bart's parents aren't even born yet, so he goes in the what the fuck are our lives even pile, kon's test tube is sadly shattered, i'm a regular person with the trauma of only a single dead parent, and poor little timmy is obvious a tragic orphan

mcdonalds: fuck off cassie, i keep telling u all theyre not dead, just out of the country all the time

the gun show: sure they are orphan boy

mpreg bb: so if we're including weird cases, then where does the big guy fit? like, obviously he's fully orphaned, what with the whole planet exploding, but also he super doesn't remember that, or, yknow, the original rents, and gramps n gramma are both alive

mcdonalds: obvs wed make note of the non traumatic orphanings - its an important data point

gotta go fast: yeah kon, obviously we make note of the important data points, that's just how you do science, everyone knows that

mcdonalds: also, bs legally and biologically an orphan

mpreg bb: ???

the gun show: what, from the bottom of my super powered heart, the FUCK are you talking about. what other types of orphaning even ARE there? like, i know i just mentioned the what the fuck are our lives even pile, but everyone keeps telling me that batman's actually a regular flavour non powered human, so what the fuck

mcdonalds: when 3 ppl love each other v v much sometimes 2 of them get married & then they have a kid & the bio parents r also the 2 who got married, & then those 2 r also the ones who get shot & die in front of their like 8yr old son

the gun show: okay, what the fuck for a DIFFERENT reason now, actually. batman saw some of his parents get killed when he was EIGHT???

mcdonalds: somewhere round that, yea

mpreg bb: that feels less what the fuck and more like it explains a lot, honestly

mcdonalds: its the trauma

gotta go fast: so does it skip a generation?

mcdonalds: the trauma??? i dont know how u missed it bart, but like

mcdonalds: sparkletrauma.gif

mpreg bb: no, the poly, right bart?

gotta go fast: y!

mcdonalds: the poly. does the poly skip a generation. ur asking me if the poly skipped a generation

the gun show: we are indeed asking that, especially now that this is the reaction we're getting. and don't think we haven't noticed that you're not trying to argue that it couldn't have skipped a generation because you're not actually batman's son

mpreg bb: ooh, yes - have you given into the adoption finally babe?

mcdonalds: when ur sister from another mister who u dragged back to the cave to begin w starts calling the lecture giver dad, sometimes u just have to give in & accept that family has occurred & u cant escape

the gun show: wow

mcdonalds: anyway, more importantly - holy shit, i clearly havent been keeping u all up to date w gotham gossip like i should be

gotta go fast: like, about the poly?

mcdonalds: absolutely about the poly. like, i get that u guys dont know who b is out of the mask, so its not as completely wild as it could be that u dont all know already, but like

mcdonalds: its also completely wild, bc this is ur relevant adults too

the gun show: it's WHAT

mcdonalds: i dont think theres been any orgies ever, but every league member whos 1 over 18 2 into sex w men & 3 not already in a closed relationship has definitely banged b at least once. & more often on a recurring basis

mpreg bb: wtf

mcdonalds: then theres the rogues

gotta go fast: like catwoman?

mcdonalds: like selina, sure. & also eddie, harvey, harley, ivy, slade,

the gun show: slade WILSON???

mcdonalds: yea

mcdonalds: i mean, slades more like just fucking, but p much everyone else has feelings going on for sure - its not any kind of official polycule, but its committed relationships w a whole lot of people who all know whats going on and also have other people that theyre seeing too

mpreg bb: you're telling me the big guy's had *sex* with bats? and maybe even other people at the same time?

mcdonalds: this feels like a convo u should maybe have w uncle clark instead of me, but also yea, definitely

the gun show: i have no idea how to process this

mcdonalds: & thats just whats up w batman. obvs hes not getting into anything serious w a civvy, bc hes b, but theres super definitely a whole lot of sex going on w a whole lot of people even when hes full mask off identity

mpreg bb: oh, hey, a chance to stop breaking all our brains by talking about all the mad pussy batman's getting

mpreg bb: so speaking of civvy significant others, how's bernard?

mcdonalds: u mean my bf? hes good. says hi to my mystery internet lovers

the gun show: communist_bugsbunny.jpeg our boyfriend

mcdonalds: noooo! u havent even met him! none of u have met him! *my* special civvy id only boyfriend!

gotta go fast: communist bugs says sgaring is caring!

the gun show: one day you'll give us a full civvy name, and you'll give bernard an identity, and then we'll all get to snuggle the cute conspiracy boy!

mcdonalds: i will not

mpreg bb: if you won't tell us, we'll ask batman

the gun show: kon what the actual fuck are you on right now?

mcdonalds: lol, good luck

mpreg bb: no, but he has a love life! he'll be sympathetic to our plight!

the gun show: enough to share identifying info?

mpreg bb: it'll prove how serious we are about wanting to know tim in all his aspects and personas?

the gun show: okay, yeah, we can call that a plan b

gotta go fast: you know, i feel like we've all forgotten about my important science question

Red.Robin: hey b, u know how im grounded for another week still?

Red.Robin: can i have system access restored again?

Batman: why

Red.Robin: bc impulse asked how many heroes are orphans, & now im interested in actually comparing the numbers for heroes against villains, taking into account traumatic vs non-traumatic orphanings

Red.Robin granted access

Batman: have fun