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The evening light of the setting sun spills into the room as Amity sorts through her shelves - a boring task made infinitely better by the fact that Luz is crouching beside her, giving her smiles and kisses for moral support whenever required.
“Yikes,” Luz says, as Amity pulls out a thick binder from the lower shelf and dumps it unceremoniously on the floor. “That looks rough.”
“It is,” Amity replies. “These are all my notes from a semester a couple of years ago.” She opens up the binder, revealing it to be heaving with notes and sheets of paper crammed inside.
Amity has been meaning to reorganise her room for a while now, ever since Luz came into her life and she realised that an Emperor’s Coven poster was the last thing she wanted to have hanging on her wall. But she didn’t get around to it before the Day of Unity, and since then, things have been… busy. Today is finally the day, though, and that Emperor’s Coven poster now lies rolled up on the floor.
“That’s all one semester?” Luz says, eyes widening. “This is how much work I’d do in a whole year of middle school.”
Amity shrugs. “This was Odalia’s standard. Or rather, this was actually below her standards.” She looks down at the open binder, an ugly feeling clawing at her. She blinks, trying to will it away. She doesn’t want this to be one of those days, not when Luz is here, not when she’s barely thought about her mother all day.
Looking for a distraction, she slams the binder shut and tosses it inelegantly across the floor. Then, she stands up to reach the higher shelves of the bookcase, noticing Luz looking at her with a mixture of concern and curiosity. “Forget the academic stuff,” she says, “do you wanna see my book collection?”
“Um, of course,” Luz replies. “You saw plenty of my books back home, so it’s time you repaid the favour. Plus, I haven’t seen nearly enough Boiling Isles books in general.”
“A lot of them are quite gory,” Amity says, wrinkling her nose as she scans her shelves, “but I… bought a lot from the romance section.”
“Of course you did,” Luz says affectionately, and Amity turns to give her a smile. Luz looks so cute in the golden light that’s reaching through the curtains, her brown eyes almost sparkling. Amity’s brain cells are struggling to stay on task.
“Some of my old favourites are on this shelf… aha!” Amity lets out a small noise of satisfaction as she pulls out the book, admiring the cover. It’s a beautiful royal blue colour, with the title in gold lettering.
“Ooh, that looks fancy. What is it?” Luz asks.
“It’s about a princess who’s trapped in a castle by her parents, but one day, her best friend who’s a chef in the kitchen plans a daring heist to save her. They succeed, and the princess and her best friend get to live happily ever after.”
“And lemme guess, that best friend turned out to be a little more than a best friend?” Luz asks, waggling her eyebrows in a manner that makes Amity snort.
“Yes. She did,” Amity pauses, running a loving finger down the book’s spine. It feels like forever since she last read it. “This is the only book I have where the romance is between two women. I always liked it more than my other books, but I didn’t quite realise why.”
“Until I came along,” Luz says, waggling her eyebrows even more ridiculously.
Amity laughs, giving her a playful shove. “Yes. You dork.”
“But I’m your dork,” Luz croons, and as silly and ridiculous as she is, that’s the qualities Amity loves her for, so she briefly forgets her book as she leans in for a kiss.
When they separate, though, Luz looks down thoughtfully at the book still held in Amity’s hands. “Seriously, though, that book sounds super cool. Can I take a look at it? I need to see what Boiling Isles lesbian romance is like.”
“Of course you can,” Amity replies, handing it to her. Luz handles the book delicately, brows furrowed as she reads the blurb. Titan, Amity is so in love with this girl. It’ll probably kill her one day.
“Ooh, this sounds juicy,” Luz says, once she’s done looking at the book’s cover. “Can I, er, borrow it? I know it’s yours-”
“Of course,” Amity says, perhaps a little too quickly. “You can have it as long as you like.”
“Aww,” Luz shoots her a smile that gives Amity butterflies. “Don’t worry, I think I’ll read it pretty fast.”
“But you’re welcome to hold onto it,” Amity tells her. “Same with any of my books. I haven’t read most of them in a while, so…”
“Wait, I love that,” Luz says. “It’s like I’m getting an insight into you before I met you.”
“Stop,” Amity says. “You don’t want that, trust me. I was so dramatic back then.”
“Babe, you’ve seen my cringey Azura fics from when I was twelve. This is only fair.”
Luz makes a good point. Swallowing her pride, Amity tells her as much with another kiss.
It’s only when Luz has gone home for the night and Amity is comfortably crawling into bed that she’s hit with an absolutely horrific realisation.
She annotated that book.
The sappy lesbian romance that is now likely sitting on Luz’s shelf in the human realm is absolutely full of her own handwriting. Scribbles down the margins, highlighted passages, emphatic circles around particularly romantic lines of dialogue - how could Amity have forgotten? All she had to do was just open the book once before handing it to Luz and she would have seen the evidence. But no. Her stupid brain forgot she ever wrote in that book, with everything that’s happened since, and now Luz is going to see every single thought Amity had about that book.
Amity had fantasised herself as the princess trapped in the castle, forbidden from the outside by her cruel parents, and only finding solace in her one true friend, the kitchen chef. She had longed for someone to be that person for her, and had probably said so in big gay letters next to romantic exchanges between the princess and her beloved.
Titan, she wished she hadn’t given that book to Luz. Her soul is within the pages, and now it is laid bare for someone else to see.
Luz would never judge you, her brain reminds her. She’s not that kind of person. She probably had the same kind of sappy fantasies before meeting you!
Luz wouldn’t judge, but Amity will happily judge herself. Luz may have wanted to get an insight into who Amity was before Luz met her, but this is too much of an insight.
Besides, they both know that Amity was a horrible person before she met Luz. She was horrible and a bully and under the tight grip of her mother and also terribly lonely. Why does Luz want to get to know that person? She fell in love with Amity after she changed. Amity wouldn’t love the person she was before Luz, either.
She turns over to groan into her pillow. Luz probably hasn’t started reading it yet, right? Amity could run over to the human realm and take it back right now. But it’s already midnight, and Luz has the school week ahead of her. Amity doesn’t want to disrupt her sleep schedule, so she’ll have to wait to take action on her anguish. Besides, Luz will probably ask her why she’s come to her house in the middle of the night like a lunatic, and Amity will have to vocalise all of these ugly feelings. Which she really does not want to do.
Maybe Luz won’t read it at all. She had warned Amity before she left that she was going to be super busy this week - human school was stressful - and that they probably wouldn’t be able to see each other again before the weekend. Amity’s gay heart had wilted at the time, but now she sees a silver lining. If Luz is swamped in assignments and deadlines, she’s probably not going to have time for a random book Amity lent her. Amity can just go round to her house at the weekend as usual, sneakily take the book back, and Luz probably won’t even remember the book was there in the first place.
It’s a foolproof plan. Amity turns over in bed, readjusting her pillow for maximum comfort levels. She tries to relax her pounding heart. It’s fine. Luz won’t see her embarrassing tween annotations, and Amity has nothing to worry about.
She keeps telling herself that, as it takes another hour for her to fall asleep.
On Friday, Amity’s scroll lights up with a call from her favourite person. Forgetting all of her worries for a moment, Amity eagerly accepts it.
“Hey, babe,” Luz croons in an exaggerated manner from the other side of the line, and Amity is already laughing. It’s been less than two seconds since she picked up the call. She is down bad.
“Hey yourself,” she replies, in a voice that can’t hide her smile. “How are you using your scroll? Are you back in the demon realm?”
“Yep, I just crashed at the Owl House,” Luz replies. “God, you wouldn’t believe the week I’ve had.”
“I can only imagine,” Amity says sympathetically. “You okay? You didn’t get too stressed out?”
“Nah, I’m alright,” Luz tells her. “I hit every deadline, actually. Mamá helped me stay focused.”
“That’s great!” Amity says. “I’m proud of you.”
“Thanks! And you know what, I was so productive, I even found the time to finish your book.”
Amity’s heart drops. Fuck. “Woah, really? Did you like it?”
“Oh my god, Amity, it was amazing. All the tropes! All the drama! All the pining! I adored it. But I was thinking I could tell you more in person,” Luz suggests. “Do you wanna come over now?”
Amity considers the offer. She’s never hesitated to spend time with Luz before. Her heart doesn’t want to say no, but her brain is screaming at her that she needs to run away from Luz immediately. “Of course,” Amity says. “I’ll be right there.”
One speedy flight on Ghost later, Amity is outside the Owl House, the landscape awash with evening light yet again. Before she summons Ghost away, Ghost leans forward to affectionately nuzzle her cheek. Amity scratches her head in thanks.
She really doesn’t know why she’s so nervous. This is Luz. She’s never offered Amity anything but love. Still, Amity finds herself taking in a deep breath as she walks up to the door.
Hooty greets her, as usual, but her regular annoyance towards the bird tube barely registers over her pure nerves. Even Hooty must notice it, because he calls for Luz much faster than normal.
Amity hears the thunder of footsteps, and then the door is flying open, Luz standing there in a frankly adorable red shirt. “Amity!”
“Hi,” Amity replies, awkwardly stepping over the threshold. Once the door is closed, Luz pulls her in for a kiss, and Amity melts into it. Everything else fades away as the sensation overtakes her.
When they separate, Luz leans their foreheads together. “I missed you,” she says.
Amity wants to laugh that it’s only been a week. But she missed Luz too, so much. “I missed you too.”
“Aw, were you thinking about me?” Luz asks, injecting fake surprise into her tone as she leans back to hold Amity at a bit of a distance, but still very close.
Amity gently pushes her shoulder. “Obviously,” she says, rolling her eyes. “You know I was.”
“Still fun to ask,” Luz tells her. “Cause I thought a lot about you. Especially since you wrote down all of your thoughts in the book.”
Amity goes very still in Luz’s arms, her ugly worries crashing back into her. “You saw all those?” she asks.
“Er, well, they were a bit hard to miss,” Luz says, with a little smile. “It was so cute though, it was like a time capsule into who you were when you read the book.”
Amity doesn’t say anything. Her hands have unconsciously found the hem of her skirt.
Luz notices. “Hey, what’s wrong?”
Amity takes too long to answer. “It’s stupid,” she says eventually.
“Nuh-uh,” Luz says. “You’re always telling me not to say that. Come on, let’s go to my room and talk about it, before Eda gets in here and says something actually stupid. I think she’s already had her Friday night apple blood.”
That gets a small laugh out of Amity as she allows Luz to lead her up the stairs to her room in the Owl House. It has an actual bed now - at the pointed request of Camila - and the walls are covered in Luz’s extravagant collection of posters. Amity loves it here, but right now, she’s still a ball of nervous energy.
Luz sits down on the bed, patting the space next to her. Amity takes it, deeply aware of how stiff her posture is. Odalia would approve, a cruel part of her mind reminds her, and the ugly feeling within Amity swells.
“So,” Luz says, taking Amity’s left hand in both of hers. Her grip is warm and comforting. “Did you not want me to see your annotations?”
After a moment, Amity shakes her head. “I forgot they were in there when I gave it to you.”
“You should’ve said,” Luz tells her. “I wouldn’t have read it.”
Amity shakes her head again. “You were so excited about it. And it is one of my favourite books. It’s just… I…” Finding the right words to articulate the storm inside her head is difficult, but Amity tries. “Why are you so excited about… who I was when I was younger?”
Luz looks at her curiously, and in a panic, Amity continues. “We both know what I was like then. I was a horrible person, Luz, let’s not pretend I wasn’t, and I read books mostly as escapism from how terrible my life was - and how terrible I was. While I was writing those annotations, I was actively being a bully. Do you see what I’m saying?”
“I do,” Luz says slowly, “and I disagree.”
Amity wants to open her mouth again to protest, but Luz gives her a pleading look, and continues. “I don’t see you as a horrible person. I see you as someone who was dealt one of the shittiest hands ever, and you made mistakes because of it. People do that all the time. People have made far worse mistakes than you, Amity, and they don’t even learn from them. They just keep making the world worse until they die. You’re not like that. You’re a good person, Amity.”
“Just because I was hurt… that doesn’t mean I needed to hurt people too,” Amity mumbles.
“Maybe not,” Luz shrugs. “But you’ve put so much effort into changing and righting your wrongs. There’s a line between holding yourself accountable and just needlessly beating yourself up.” In a quieter voice, Luz adds: “Believe me, I would know.”
Amity is quiet, staring at Luz’s walls as she processes her girlfriend’s words. She doesn’t like to think about who she was before Luz. She can’t even look back on her favourite books without remembering the miserable state she was in when she read them. But Luz is kind. Amity was right before - Luz really isn’t judging her. However, Luz is making her think: should she really judge herself? Does it achieve anything?
At Amity’s thoughtful silence, Luz speaks again. Her words are a little softer, a little more hesitant in fear of saying something wrong. “...I wish I had known you when you were younger, because there is one thing you’re right about. When I saw your annotations, especially around the parts with the princess’s internal dialogue… I could kind of tell how your life was terrible, and how badly you wanted a friend. Even if you think you didn’t deserve love or kindness back then, I think you did. I wish I had been there to give it to you.”
Luz’s voice is so achingly soft, and when Amity turns to look at her, her brown eyes are shining with love. Luz’s words are true - Amity doesn’t think she deserved love or kindness back then, and honestly, she still sometimes thinks she doesn’t now, even with how much she’s changed. And yet Luz is still here for her, her rock, her oasis in the desert, her friend in the castle who saved her.
Amity slowly leans forward to rest her head on Luz’s shoulder, Luz’s hand reaching up to card through her hair.
Amity doesn’t know if she can thank Luz enough, or begin to articulate all the thoughts swirling around her head. So instead, she goes with: “I wish I had known you when you were younger, too. I wish I had been there.”
For what, Amity doesn’t have to say. Luz simply tugs her closer and murmurs: “Well, we’ve got each other now, haven’t we?”
“Mm,” Amity hums. “We do.”
And Titan, she will never stop being grateful for that one simple truth.
They sit in silence together, watching the evening sun slowly creep down the horizon. A monster’s call from the forest drifts through Luz’s open window, and Amity can hear the sounds of Eda starting dinner downstairs. Maybe she’ll stay to eat. Eda is a better cook than most people would expect.
The peaceful moment shifts when Luz speaks again. “You wanna know something as well?”
“Yeah?” Amity says quietly, letting Luz know she hasn’t fallen asleep on her shoulder, as tempting as that idea is.
“I know it took me a while to realise I had a crush on you, longer than it took you for me, but I think I liked you way before the Abomaton incident,” Luz tells her. “Like, all the way back when we got trapped in the library together.”
“Really?” Amity replies in disbelief, eyebrows furrowing. That was so long ago, when she still hadn’t outgrown being aggressive towards Luz, thinking Luz was trying to purposely ruin her life.
Luz snorts. “Yeah. I wanted to be your friend so bad. Didn’t quite realise why until later.”
“Probably the same way I didn’t realise why I liked that book so much until you came along,” Amity says with a smile.
“Exactly!” Luz replies happily, before sighing. “God, we’re both gay messes, aren’t we?”
“Well, I wouldn’t have it any other way,” Amity replies, tucking herself further into the crook of Luz’s neck. Luz kisses Amity’s temple, and they sit in silence for another short while before Amity breaks it. “By the way… would you want to borrow some of my other books?”
“I’d love to!” Luz says, her excitement clear in her voice. She gently shakes Amity’s shoulder, however, and Amity takes the cue to sit up and look properly at Luz. “But do you want me to? Did you annotate any of your other books?”
“Yes, and yes,” Amity replies, reaching for Luz’s hand. “But there’s no one else I’d trust them with.”
“Okay,” Luz says, breathing out and giving Amity a smile. She gets up from the bed and moves over to a shelf in the corner of the room, triumphantly returning with Amity’s book, the royal blue cover as beautiful as ever. “Then for now, do you wanna hear my thoughts on this one?”
“I do,” Amity tells her sincerely, and they spend the rest of the evening curled up on Luz’s bed together as the light fades, swapping stories and anecdotes and their hearts with each other.
Deep down, Amity tries to think that maybe she does deserve this after all.