Chapter Text
Kaz Fahey was tired. His shift at The Crow Club Cinema had gone on far too long and now he was being forced to wait in the car shop for Jesper and Aditi to finish up for the day because he didn’t accept the ride home from Per Haskell. He knew he should’ve, but Haskell’s car smelled weird and he drove so jerkily that even the short ride would’ve made Kaz carsick.
He supposed he could walk, it wasn’t unbearably far. But he was already fatigued and the pain was bad today and Jesper said they’d be done soon.
Kaz normally didn’t have an issue with hanging out at his adoptive mother’s car shop. He found it fascinating to watch Jesper and Aditi work. Very hands on stuff, stuff he couldn’t personally care enough to learn how to do, but still found interesting to observe. But today he was just too tired.
He was falling asleep at the little table when Jesper came into the back and snorted. “You look so sad.”
Kaz lifted his head to glare at his brother. “I’m bored.”
“Poor thing,” Aditi said softly as she walked in, grabbing her keys from the little hook by the back door. “We’re done now.”
Kaz tried not to say it but he couldn’t help the “ finally ” that left his lips. Jesper chuckled and followed his mum out as Kaz picked up his cane and followed them, heading straight for the truck while Aditi locked up the shop.
The truck was ancient, and Kaz hated how lifted it was. It was practically impossible to climb into, but he managed to pull himself in. Thank goodness he was tall or he would’ve actually required a step stool.
Kaz climbed into the front seat and Jesper didn’t object for once, climbing into the back. The drive home was loud and short, Jesper and Aditi talking loudly about their latest home improvement project over the sounds of the radio, but Kaz fell asleep regardless. There was something soothing about the shaky cold glass of the window against his temple and the chattering of his family.
When they got home, Aditi tapped on his knee very softly. “Kaz.”
He was still just awake enough to not be too startled by the touch, and she knew how to approach it, but he did still tense just a little. Touch was always harder when he was this tired.
“Sorry, little crow, we’re home.”
He made a noise of acknowledgment and lifted his head from the window, managing to make his way inside.
“Why don’t you go have a nap before dinner.” She suggested once they got inside, hanging up their coats in the little entrance room.
Kaz could only nod and shuffle into his bedroom. He kept his blinds closed most of the time so he didn’t have to waste time making his room dark, like he liked it.
He changed into comfier clothes and collapsed on his bed, burrowing himself in the black and grey comforter. There were perks of still living at home at age 21 and the biggest one was the fact that dinner was being made for him and he could rest. Jesper would be occupied for at least a little while, he always showered after work because he couldn’t go a single shift without getting oil or dirt on himself somewhere. He had some time just to sleep.
Despite how sleepy he had been in the car, he struggled to fall asleep now he was home. He just couldn’t relax and there was no external noise or cold shaky window to force him asleep anyway.
Just as he felt himself finally dozing off, his phone buzzed on the pillow next to him. He should have put it on sleep mode, but he hadn’t considered that. With a groan and opening one eye, he reached for the phone. Whatever it was had better be worth interrupting his potential sleep.
He was suddenly much more awake when he saw the notification, a text from the ‘OG Bottom of the Barrel’ group chat.
INEJ: Who let me decide to wait until the last minute to pack?
Kaz was holding his breath as the phone buzzed again in his hand.
MATTHIAS: Don’t act like we have any power over your procrastination. You’ll get it done, you always do.
A beat, another buzz. Kaz felt faint.
JESPER: You better get it done. I miss you!! I can’t wait to see you!!
Kaz knew Inej was coming back to Ketterdam tomorrow. She’d told them all weeks ago. He hadn’t said anything to her then and Jesper had lectured him about it for nearly a week straight. She’d also said she was bringing two of her big city friends home with her for the holidays, Nina and Wylan.
Kaz wanted to throw up.
As if on fucking cue, Jesper poked his head into his bedroom. “I knew you’d be awake.” He stepped in and walked over, sitting down uninvited on the end of his bed. “Say something this time, twat.”
Kaz no longer felt like throwing up, he felt like strangling his brother.
“What am I supposed to say?”
“That you also miss her and can’t wait to see her? She thinks you hate her.”
Kaz groaned, “I don’t hate her.”
“ I know that.” Jesper rolled his eyes. “But what are they supposed to think? You haven’t spoken to them in months.”
“They left.” Kaz said stubbornly. He knew he was being ridiculous. Inej Ghafa, ballet dancer with The Royal Ballet, had every right to leave their shitty small town for the big city and their big break.
Was it a crime to miss her?
If Jesper’s face was anything to go by, it was. At least the way he was doing it.
Kaz stared back at his brother’s disapproving glare until he cracked. “Fuck. Fine. I’ll say something.”
He unlocked his phone, and opened the group chat.
Jesper leaned over to watch what he typed over his shoulder and Kaz shoved him off. “Don’t hover.”
Jesper rolled his eyes as Kaz began to type. It took him approximately seventeen drafts before he just closed his eyes and hit send, if Inej saw him typing that long he might have to change his name and move to Alaska.
KAZ: I miss you too. Your big city friends better be cool.
After a split second more he added one more message.
KAZ: :)
He looked back at Jesper who was looking down at his own phone, group chat open to supervise. He looked up and shot him a thumbs up. “See. Was that so hard?”
“Yes.”
“You’re impossible.”
Buzz.
Kaz looked down at his phone so fast he felt something straining in his neck. God, how embarrassing.
INEJ: :)
INEJ: You were right, Mattie. Packing: complete.
Kaz clicked on the photo of her dark purple suitcase and couldn’t help but zoom in to the blurry reflection of Inej in the mirror behind it. They were wearing their favourite pyjamas, the lavender ones with the elephants on them. It was good to know some things never change.
He caught himself smiling and shook out of it.
Buzz.
MATTHIAS: I told you so!
Kaz took a deep breath before typing out another message.
KAZ: See you tomorrow :)
INEJ: Can’t wait!! :)
He took another breath, trying to remember everything Specht had been teaching him in therapy. Just. Keep. Breathing.
“I’m so proud of you.” Jesper grinned, wide, annoying, and smug as hell. “Look at that, you got two smiley faces and two exclamation marks.”
“I hate you.” Kaz responded and locked his phone, putting it on his nightstand.
“I love you too, Kaz.”
Kaz rolled his eyes and picked up his pillow to smack him over the head with it. Jesper ducked and yelped as he brought it down into his mighty blow.
As he tried to slip away Kaz kept at it, hitting him with the pillow over and over until Jes was able to grab Kaz’s other pillow and start hitting him back.
A pillow fight at their big age could be seen as immature, but it was just more efficient for resolving conflict than talking. Once they’d sufficiently beaten the shit out of each other with pillows, they sat in silence for a while. Jesper scrolled through Instagram on his stomach while Kaz sat against the headboard scrolling through TikTok on low volume. They were good at this. This quiet companionship. Kaz would never tell him, but having Jesper as a brother was one of the things in his life that kept him sane.
He was very grateful to have him. He’d need him around while Inej was home. He didn’t know how he was going to handle it.
“It’s going to be alright you know.” Jesper said.
“What?” Kaz asked, even though he knew.
“With Inej. Things will be fine. Maybe even good. Just… try to be honest with them, okay? Don’t do that thing where you push them away out of fear.”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“Kaz.”
“Okay. Alright. I’ll try.” He conceded. He could try. For Inej.
He looked at their group chat exchange one final time before putting his phone on charge and getting up with Jesper to go eat dinner.
This time tomorrow, Inej would be home, and he had to keep his head screwed on straight or he’d really start spiralling.
Dinner passed by quickly, Colm chattering away about his students' final day of term and how chaotic they all were. Kaz didn’t miss high school, but he did miss the feeling of the last day before a break, the high that everyone rode on until the day ended and you were free for a while. It was kind of the opposite feeling than what he was feeling now. Anticipation and mild dread. It’s not that he didn't want Inej to come home, he wished she’d never left in the first place. It was that he wasn’t sure how things would go and how she would be. What if nothing was the same? What if whatever had started between them before she left would never be? What if he’d lost her for good?
After dinner, he and Jesper sat in the upstairs lounge, the designated ‘young adult hang out space’ by Colm and Aditi. Jesper was playing Just Dance at an obnoxious volume and Matthias was sending them both a play by play of dinner at his aunt's house. His cousin Nikolai was home for the holidays with his reportedly drop dead gorgeous girlfriend from law school. Dinner with the Helvar and Opjer families was always chaotic, but especially when Nikolai was home.
MATTHIAS: Terrible news, his girlfriend is funny AND hot.
MATTHIAS: She makes fun of him a lot though, so that’s good. Someone to keep him humble.
MATTHIAS: Her name is Zoya. Even her name is cool. >:(
Kaz rolled his eyes. Matthias had always been a little jealous of Nikolai, and he supposed he understood that. The two had playfully competed with each other since Nikolai had been sent to live with his dad and step mom instead of with his mom in the city when they were kids.
Nikolai was charming, witty, and handsome. He’d been the reason both Jesper and Kaz figured out they were bisexual.
Kaz was pretty sure that fact made Matthias insane. Matthias’ own bi awakening had been Kaz, which was really just salt in the wound, poor guy.
He welcomed the distraction from his thoughts but after the fourth text about ‘Zoya’, his mind began to wander back to Inej and he found himself leaving the group chat with Matthias and Jesper to open his text thread with Inej.
Specht would tell him that reading through this again is reductive, but he wasn’t in therapy right now and he didn’t much care.
The last time he’d texted her was almost two months ago. Inej had sent him a photo of a crow sitting on top of their car.
INEJ: Look, it's you!
KAZ: Lol :p
INEJ: :D
It certainly left something to be desired. He scrolled through their exchanges before that and they’d been a lot of the same thing. Periodic messaging spread out with weeks in between. Occasionally sending each other memes. The last time they’d had a meaningful conversation just the two of them was the night Inej had called him at 3 am, seven months ago. She’d been drunk, walking home from the pub, and rambled to him about her day because she was scared of walking home alone. He didn’t know then why she’d called him instead of one of her city friends and he still didn’t know.
He’d listened to her, and told her about all the films that The Crow Club was showing at the time, and Jesper’s current hyperfixations.
He had found himself wishing that the call would never end.
They hadn’t discussed it since it happened, he wondered if Inej even remembered it.
Tomorrow.
Tomorrow she would be home, and he’d have to face her in person. He didn’t know if he was ready, but he also couldn’t wait.
He wanted to hear her laugh again.