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Maharu doesn’t know when it started, but lately, she’s been finding everything to be so unbearably fucking stupid.
(She doesn’t know when she started to use words like fucking , either, so don’t bother asking her about it, thanks.)
If you ask her mom, she’d say it’s the rebellious teenage phase. If you ask her dad, he’d mumble something about puberty and hormones before returning to his newspaper. If you ask Kippei, he’d make fun of her because she gets her period now. If you ask Maharu herself, she’d say they’re all full of shit and should mind their own business, because since when do they care about how she feels if it’s not just to criticize her?
If she asks Fumi-chan, who’s sitting beside her on the bus, chin resting in her palm and staring out the window despite insisting Maharu take the window seat, she’d probably have a compassionate, thoughtful response waiting at the ready for this very moment. But Maharu thinks she’s full of shit, too.
Mom’s always going on and on about what a nice girl Fumi-chan is, she always helps her parents, she doesn’t slack off or make trouble, her manners are so impeccable. A good daughter. Like nee-chan is.
(“Maharu, you’re too young to be going to that mall by yourself. That bus that runs on Sundays runs very inconsistently, it’s over three hours for the round trip, and you don’t have data on your phone to look up the schedule. We can go another time, when I can drive you.”
“But Mom, my friends are all going this Sunday!”
“It’s just not going to work this time. What do you need so badly from the mall, anyway?”
“I told you yesterday, it’s—ugh, nevermind. It’s not even about that. You wouldn’t get it.”
“Ah, Fumi-chan, sorry to put you through all this. Here’s the lotus root for your mom.”
“No no, it’s nothing. Actually, auntie, I can go with Maharu-chan if that’s okay…?”
“Ugh, seriously, I need a babysitter?”
“Oh, that would be lovely! Maharu, either you go with Fumi-chan or you don’t go at all. And remember to say thank you, she’s doing this for you!”
“It’s seriously no bother at all!”
“Ugh, fine.”
“Remember your manners, Maharu.”
“...Thanks, Fumi-chan.” )
No bother at all, her ass. Maharu knows all about that new boyfriend of hers. If Fumi has all this extra time to be spending as her chaperone, she could easily be spending that time getting to know him. Hasn’t it only been a couple weeks since the last guy, anyway? How well does she know this new one, anyway? What if he’s a total jerk like the last one?
Not that Fumi-chan would ever tell her any of this herself, of course not. She heard about it all through Fumi-chan’s friend’s younger sister in phys ed just the other day.
The days when Fumi-chan would eat watermelon slices with her on the engawa as they waited for nee-chan to get back from the konbini, giggling about the kinds of guys they would date once they’re old enough, seem so far away. It was only, what, two or three years ago?
Looking at the barely-there frown on Fumi’s face as the bus jostles along its journey, Maharu feels like those days were borrowed from a completely different lifetime.
Her scowl deepens. She resents Fumi for not having the guts to let Maharu figure the situation out on her own. She resents her mom for not letting her, an entire fourteen-year-old spend a few hours off on her own, while her sister, who is only two and a half years older , is in Tokyo , and most of all, she resents Iwakura Mitsumi for leaving her to deal with all this crap while she’s off gallivanting with her new fancy friends.
Anyone with eyes can tell Fumi is still sad about that breakup. Even Maharu, who frankly doesn’t understand how she’s already had two boyfriends when she’s that… plain. Whatever, that doesn’t matter. What matters is that every time nee-chan calls or messages, it’s all about her and what she’s up to and what she’s accomplished and all the fun things she does on top of being the most perfect student of all time. Does she ever stop and think about how the rest of them are doing?
She’s probably too wrapped up in her own problems. She acts like everything is just peachy when she’s on the phone with all of them, but Maharu knows her sister isn’t actually perfect. She’s probably keeping it all hidden away, so that Mom and Dad don’t freak out.
But if even her too-honest, too-earnest sister has learned to lie that convincingly, why hasn’t she caught on that her own best friend could be lying about things, too?
Why hasn’t nee-chan realized that her little sister, who’s dropped all the pretenses about feeling just perfectly fine, is hurting, too?
It’s so fucking stupid. She really doesn’t get why nee-chan got to be the one to go to Tokyo, anyway. Like, sure she’s the smart one. God forbid Maharu ever forget that. And she’s definitely closer to Nao-chan than Maharu ever was, so living together is probably going more smoothly than it would for the two of them. But other than that, doesn’t it make more sense for Maharu to be there?
Mitsumi-nee-chan is smart enough and determined enough that she could get into Todai even if she had to commute to the moon and learn the high school curriculum from, like, moon aliens. There was never any question about that. And she’s the one who’s always fit in here. All the other kids around their age love screaming and running around and catching bugs, or whatever. Maharu’s never been like that. People say it makes her stuck-up and too girly. She didn’t realize it was such a crime to be into normal girl things. "Haha, worried about messing up your hair, princess?" Like, ugh, just die already. If it's not that, it's “you’re such a young lady now!” and “wow, you’re so mature for your age!” All that means is that they still see her as a child parading herself around in her mom’s lipstick and her nee-chan’s too-big shoes.
She just wants to be around people who like the same things as her, who want the same things as her, who don’t care that she’s not the best and brightest to come out of their lame-ass town. Nee-chan, golden child that she is, would find people who love and understand her anywhere. She already has them here. Maharu doesn’t have them anywhere.
And no matter where she goes, she’s always going to be a former country bumpkin. Even if she does end up in Tokyo someday, it’s going to be that much more embarrassing trying to hide her accent or inexperience with ordering at Starmax or talking about her tiny middle school class. It would have been so much easier if she could just go now, and be able to blend in by the time she’s a grown up. It’s not like nee-chan would ever feel embarrassed about that kind of thing.
It’s such a pain. Everything’s about nee-chan, everything’s for nee-chan. Kippei doesn’t notice, because he’s a dumb boy about all these things, but Maharu feels it every single day.
She just up and left, and now Maharu’s sitting her, knocking knees with her replacement older sister, the both of them stewing over the Mitsumi-shaped hole in their lives they have no idea how to fill. Maharu will never be able to fill it with her own body. They might have the same flesh and blood, but she’ll never be able to manipulate herself into the sham of a perfect daughter that her parents would actually listen to and respect. Like they used to, when she was still all sweet and cute.
Everything’s changing so quickly, before she even has a chance to process it. Including her. She wonders if nee-chan will feel like she’s talking to a stranger when she comes home for summer break.
Maharu wants to hurry up and be able to leave this place on her own, already, like Nao-chan did. She wants her big sister to pick up the phone and call her and ask her how she’s doing when Mom can’t overhear. She wants nee-chan to buy her a stupid, ugly bag because at least that means it was the Mitsumi she still recognizes who saw it and thought it was cute enough for her baby sister, not one of her fancy Tokyo friends who doesn’t even know her.
She wants Fumi-chan to snap out of her daze, turn her gaze towards the young girl struggling with the weight of everything next to her, and say—
“Hey, Maharu, is anything on your mind?”
Fumi-chan’s eyes are gentle when they meet Maharu’s own. Suddenly, she doesn’t know what to do with the attention. It feels like it’s been ages since anyone’s asked, or even acted like they cared. Even the girls she’s meeting up with today only ask how she’s doing to be polite. Manners , and all that. But Fumi-chan would never in a million years spill her guts to Maharu anymore, so like hell will she even try to beg her to commiserate.
“No, nothing really. Just dumb stuff.”
“Hmm, I'm sure it's not dumb. We can talk about it if you want to?"
"Nah, don't want to."
"Okie dokes. So, what stores are you going to later?”
“Not sure yet, but there is this one store my friends want me to check out. You know how my old wallet is super ugly, right? I’m going to get a new one from there, today.”