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It was one of those days, Xehanort thought. He knew it the moment Eraqus stepped out of his bedroom and stared at him with a sharp glare that wasn’t common on his youthful face. Xehanort had been quick to understand that things wouldn’t be easy when they found that their post-mortem would be continuing to live in a completely new place. Despite Eraqus’s goofy grin and lax attitude, the former master had a feeling that an issue was going to pop up eventually. A lifetime of pain and betrayal wouldn’t go under the rug even if his friend were usually so forgiving. This went beyond the literal backstab between them—it affected so many people, most importantly to the person in front of him: Terra, Aqua, and Ventus.
The first time Eraqus snapped at him, it was painfully messy. There were rambled words and pauses as Eraqus paced around the living room after gripping Xehanort’s collar in a sudden burst of rage. He looked like he had wanted to hit him with a fury that even a stoic person like Xehanort was shaken by. But as quick as the anger came, it vanished as Eraqus’s eyes were filled with tears. Xehanort had taken advantage of the younger’s trust in him and his prejudice toward the darkness. In a way, though, it was because Eraqus had both of those things at all, despite everything, that ruined his students. In the end, he just holed up in his room as he tended to do when he was overwhelmed. Caught in an afterlife where they couldn’t do anything about the past, all they were left with was this strained and delicate waltz.
“I’m going out.” Xehanort grabbed his black long coat off the rack near the entryway of their apartment.
Eraqus inhaled slowly as if he would fall into a daze the longer he watched him.
This was an occasional reoccurrence on these days. Xehanort wasn’t sure how to handle it yet due to each case being way different in its outcomes.
“Do…” he started slowly. “Do you want anything from the bakery?”
The other blinked—a reaction so out of place that it worried him a bit more.
“I want that one chestnut cake.”
Xehanort raised an eyebrow. He recalled Eraqus playfully gagging at cakes of the same type on multiple occasions back in Scala. The boy always complained about the existence of desserts that weren’t extra sweet.
“Terra,” Eraqus choked up instantly as if he wasn’t allowed to say the name. “He loved cakes like that…”
Xehanort instantly looked down at the ground. He was nothing but outright malicious to Terra for a decade, trying to force the young man to submit in his own body. Eraqus had been hidden away in Terra’s heart for those ten or so years and witnessed that struggle.
“I see…”
Silence filled the space between them, pushing Xehanort to hurriedly put his shoes on and let out a hushed ”I’m going” before shutting the door behind him. He walked briskly down the hallway and made a sharp turn to the left, deciding that he would take the stairs today. If he had to be honest, the elevator made him feel like he was being closed in on and he wasn’t in the mood for that kind of crisis stacked on top of the one he was already having. Besides, four floors were nothing for a keyblade master. When he stepped out of the building, he looked up at the heavy gray clouds in the sky. The weather in Quadratum had been as stormy as Eraqus’s mood for the past two weeks. He debated going back inside and getting an umbrella but decided he didn’t want to see Eraqus so soon.
“Rain, huh…”
Xehanort’s voice trailed off as his feelings caught up with him. It has gotten harder to deal with these kinds of things. A regression, he thought it was, but he’d been starting to think he was never good at this heart thing in the first place. His mind began to wander to a memory of a set of eyes that stared at him with a glare. Xehanort began to walk briskly, his steps harsh on the concrete. Considering where he and Eraqus lived, he anticipated that the streets would be busy as always but he still found it difficult to truly get used to them. The monochrome color palette of the buildings had always bothered him. They were nothing like the bright and vibrant painting that was Scala Ad Caelum. He supposed that the city was picturesque in its own way—there was a beauty and ugliness to its dullness.
The randomness of his scattered thoughts was another thing he found alien. It reminded him of his earlier years on Destiny Islands where there was no apparent goal beyond living day-by-day. While there would be impulses here and there or maybe a longer task at work, there was nothing at the scale of grandeur he pursued before. It wasn’t awful, per se, just different from what he had gotten used to. Eraqus was the energetic one between the two of them but Xehanort was always antsier and had a need to always be doing something worthwhile.
He crossed a street alongside many others going about their day. Sometimes he wondered what kind of lives they were living. Dull and somewhat repetitive, he imagined, but still their own. Nothing is exactly the same for a person and no two people have the exact kind of day. He recalled his teacher from the islands saying something similar when the then-young boy whined about everything being the same. Wisps of their aged voice danced through his memories, gently pulling and pushing his heart like the waves in the ocean. Finally, something comforting.
Xehanort had already memorized the path he was taking so he mindlessly took the necessary turns to reach his intended destination. Ever since the first incident with Eraqus, he had started to frequent Miyashita Park. It was a fascinating place to him, being a man-made nature-like space on top of a shopping complex. If you wanted to get to the actual green part of it all, you had to climb a set of stairs. One of the more interesting parts to him was the arches. He wouldn’t be able to answer if someone asked why but he found enjoyment in walking through them without worry.
'Oh, how far the mighty Keyblade Master has fallen… '
The thought came across as sardonically as he could make it. He felt a stir within him, almost defensive. Xehanort wondered if that was the haughty old man or the arrogant younger prick in him. Technically, he still was that old man and younger prick but there was a wishful part of him that he indulged sometimes by treating his past like they were different beings. And if he were to be annoying about it, they were separate people at one point—replica and time travel shenanigans aside.
Xehanort looked over his shoulder at his younger self who had been staring at him like he had something to say. Knowing him though, he was taking in more information before stating whatever theory he was conjuring up. There was no doubt that it had to do with Eraqus. He stole glances at the possessed body of Terra so many times now that it was simply a given. Xehanort surmised that his youngest iteration was placing two-and-two together at this very moment.
"You said that was Eraqus's pupil?" he asked in a hushed voice.
"Correct."
There was no need to add any more to it. It was the final nail he needed and the reaction the youngest Xehanort gave was what he had anticipated—furrowed eyebrows with a deepening frown.
He knew what that answer meant.
The elder was sure that he wouldn't do anything else. There was a reason for this and all the pieces of himself, especially the youngest, knew it—felt it—very well. But even the long-lived master felt a twinge of guilt attempting to claw itself out of the grave he buried it in. When he let his mind wander further than he would normally allow, he saw that feeling take the shape of Eraqus. It didn't help that his younger self was now looking at him with something akin to disdain.
Or more akin to hatred really.
It ate him up inside the more he reflected on the past. It was so easy to ignore so many things when he was obsessed with darkness and the recreation of the Keyblade War. Xehanort decided to take a seat on the grass. On a clear day, there would be more people sitting around but there weren't due to the incoming rain. He sighed as he noted to himself to buy an umbrella at a convenience store before it got too bad. He crossed his legs and looked up at the sky. It was getting harder to believe how willing he was to destroy others' lives for the sake of a goal that had become so warped. Xehanort’s dreams were the same but the means—
He squeezed his eyes shut and inhaled.
Baldr stood across from Xehanort. Hoder's spirit had tried to reach out to her brother only for them to point their keyblades at each other's throats the next moment.
"What are you doing?" he growled, eyes glossy.
"I could ask you the same thing."
Xehanort had still been reeling from Baldr's, or rather the darkness's, words. Feelings that were easily absorbed by the pair. The fear of the mind and the unknown. Devotion to all that is bright. The line between Light and Darkness.
'There's them and there's us.'
When Baldr was wrapped in the chains of the Gazing Eye and Hoder's spirit was vanquished, Xehanort heard Eraqus's cry to drive the darkness out of their friend. Baldr made another attempt to reach out and reiterate the borders between them and people like Hoder and Eraqus.
"I see myself in you," Baldr whispered.
The words sunk and melted into Xehanort's heart deeper than he would ever fully comprehend. When he raised his keyblade, he aimed it toward Baldr's chest. The boy looked too far gone, wrapped in the grip of grief. Would the Darkness truly be gone from this world? Could Baldr live in the empty spaces of Scala after everything that had happened?
Xehanort exhaled.
‘It would be too cruel,’ he thought.
It had been a long time coming when he found himself on the other end of Light. Xehanort could still see Sora's worn-down but determined blue eyes as the boy stood victorious with his friends by his side. At that moment, the dying man knew that he had become the one to be consumed by darkness and yet he still clung to some of his stubbornness because it had been so long. A plan that took a lifetime and beyond, leaving sacrifice after sacrifice in its wake. Xehanort hadn't been sure if he was ready to accept the waste of all the loss.
In the end, Eraqus finally got through to him. Xehanort laughed quietly at the memory. When did that lazy, mischievous boy grow so much? Eraqus had always been a coward but maybe he, himself, was an even bigger one. The city's noise droned on as he leaned back with his hands placed on the ground behind him. He guessed that it had been about an hour since he left home. Maybe another thirty minutes would be okay. The sky itself looked like it would burst into an outpour but he felt that he had time.
He wondered what that final hit felt like. Eraqus didn't bring it up but the scar that was plastered on his back didn't need any explanation. It was hard to look at. Of all the physical injuries that didn't heal despite becoming younger again, it had to be the biggest symbol of betrayal Xehanort gave him. A punishment from the universes maybe, or possibly a ‘funny’ prank being played on him. Xehanort wouldn’t know but it was arguably deserved.
The sensation of a single, light raindrop roped Xehanort back into reality. He stood up and hurried to the closest set of stairs. With his little outing forcibly coming to a close, Xehanort went to the nearest convenience store and bought one of those cheap and transparent umbrellas. The rain was getting stronger with each moment. He opened his new umbrella and began his trek down the path he came from.
“I think I’ve figured it out.”
Xehanort looked over at Eraqus, who was holding a pencil and a piece of paper while grinning almost maniacally. Rolling his eyes, Xehanort set down the chess piece he was holding back onto the board and got up from the window sill. He’ll indulge his friend and his antics today.
“The solution to your procrastination?”
Eraqus scoffed. “I can figure that out later, I’ve got something even more important.”
After shoving the paper into his friend’s hands, he stood there proudly with a hand on his left hip. Xehanort looked down and saw Eraqus’s handwriting—neat despite his messy personality—which had his own name written, followed by a rearrangement of the letters.
X
E H A N O R T
N O H E A R T
NO HEART
Conclusion: Xehanort has No Heart.
“What’re you two on about?” Bragi appeared suddenly, slinging his arm around Eraqus.
“I made the discovery of the century!”
Xehanort laughed. “Really? This is the stupidest theory I’ve ever seen.”
“Hey,” Eraqus tried to lunge at his friend but was held back by the other boy, “I’ll have you know that it’s completely viable! What are the chances you’re a jerk and have the name to match!”
Bragi pulled him into a stranglehold. “You’re just mad that he wouldn’t let you eat cake before going to bed last night.”
“IT WAS CRUEL!”
“He was saving your life, idiot!”
“I’d rather die from sweetness! Best way to go if you ask me.”
“Yeah, yeah, wait ‘til your older self is cursing you for this.”
Bragi scolded Eraqus now but would definitely enable him later. Hermod would make them do all the chores tomorrow if they got caught, which they definitely did since Xehanort was more than eager to snitch. He looked down at the paper and a thought occurred to him.
“Hey, Eraqus.”
The boy stopped struggling in Bragi’s hold and looked up at Xehanort. “What?”
“Under that method, if you rearrange your name, it spells square.”
The room went silent before Bragi busted out laughing, holding Eraqus even tighter as the boy was taken out of his shock and attempted to attack Xehanort again.
“WHAT’S THAT MEAN?!?” he bellowed, trying to pry Bragi’s arms off.
Xehanort shrugged with a smirk. “Take that as you will.”
Standing in front of the local bakery near their apartment, Xehanort closed his umbrella and walked in. The warmth of the building and the smell of freshly baked goodies made him calm down. It was a small place that didn’t have too many customers, but they did have amazing desserts. Eraqus had found it when he decided to spend a day exploring the city. They went there so much that they befriended the owners and were even considered honorary employees due to volunteering to help with deliveries on many occasions.
"Good evening, Xehanort," the old lady behind the counter greeted, "do you want the usual?"
He shook his head. "I'll have one strawberry shortcake and chestnut cake."
She went to get his order ready. "You're buying for yourself?"
"They're both for Eraqus."
"Oh, that boy can eat a chestnut cake now? The world must be ending."
Xehanort laughed as he took out his wallet.
The lady giggled. “I’m a bit surprised, you know! He always seemed to be the type to stick to his guns.”
That was true at one point. So true that it was annoying most of the time.
“He’s been changing lately,” Xehanort added.
“Hmm,” she hummed, “well, we all do sooner or later.”
She placed the small package on the counter as Xehanort handed her the exact amount he needed to pay. All he needed to do now was take the cakes and go home. After saying goodbye, he walked out and opened his umbrella, and hurried home.
“Everything begins, ends, and begins again.”
Xehanort had refused to look at his mentor as they spoke. He understood that he would never see them again, yet he couldn’t bring himself to turn around. He’d felt echoes of loss from his dreams while growing up, so he initially thought he would be strong enough to take this. But when their body began to hunch over more than usual, Xehanort walked off to the shoreline.
Even if those words were true, the fact that nothing would be the same after still stung.
And maybe that was okay.
Though even someone like him, a person who constantly wanted change, yearned for familiarity, this didn’t have to only be bittersweet. Xehanort stood before the front door of the apartment, having the umbrella hook hang off his wrist as he took out his keys. He unlocked the door and stepped in. Laying the umbrella against the wall near the entrance, he took off his shoes and went straight to the dining table that was to the left of the living room area. The sight of Eraqus sitting there took him by surprise. There was an empty plate in front of him. Xehanort guessed that the other must have eaten the leftovers from yesterday for an early dinner.
“I’m back,” he announced as he trod towards the table.
Eraqus’ head jerked up, looking at him in surprise. Xehanort set the box on the table and opened it. He took the cakes out, placing the chestnut one closer to Eraqus. The raven-haired youth stared at it with a puzzled expression.
“Huh?”
Xehanort sat in the seat across. “I got you the cake you wanted. I added the other one just in case you cried over the lack of sweetness.”
“Hey!” Eraqus reflexively replied, then quickly deflated as his attention went to the cake.
Xehanort observed him move the plate to the side and bring the slice to take its place. Eraqus’ mood hadn’t improved by much since earlier, but that was better than nothing. He picked up the fork he had used and carefully took a decently-sized piece from the front. If Xehanort didn’t know better, he would have thought that Eraqus’ slow pace came from a place of dread, which it usually did. It was the way his tired eyes drooped; his grimace became more apparent. That said everything that needed to be said.
After taking a bite and chewing slowly, Eraqus swallowed and chuckled. “It’s not bad.”
“So you’ll eat more cakes like this?” Xehanort teased.
This garnered another laugh from the other. A bit too loud for such a typical jab, but there was no need to say anything about it.
“That’s,” Eraqus’ voice suddenly cracked, “that’s assuming a lot. It’s n-not sweet enough…”
A strangled sob came out of him as he set down the fork and let his head hang over the wooden surface of the table. Xehanort made no motions, not wanting to interrupt such a delicate moment for Eraqus.
The rain continued to fall and harshly pound against the windows. Considering the season, it would probably continue relentlessly into tomorrow and maybe the day after that too, if they were really unlucky. Xehanort knew they couldn’t do anything about it, yet as Eraqus’ sobs became quieter, he began to truly grasp what his master meant back then. It’s cheesy and typical but he supposed that there’s a reason why it’s a cliché.
One day at a time, they end and start all over again.