Archive of Our Own

Having an obsession wasn’t necessarily a bad thing. Or- at least Todd didn’t think it was. Plenty of people had obsessions, like Harry Potter, or anime- some people were obsessed with things like frogs or painting. He even knew someone who was obsessed with Harry Styles. And he was a real person.

So, really, Todd didn’t really see the problem with him having an obsession with Neil. he was beautiful. He has dark hair and eyes, so friendly to everyone he meets, and always smiling. Todd was sure that Neil's smile was the prettiest thing he’d ever seen. 

There was nothing Todd wanted more than to be friends with Neil- no… more than friends. He wanted Neil all to himself. He was sure that maybe there might be a problem with that kind of thinking- but it’s not like he wouldn’t let Neil have friends- Neil could do what he wanted as long as he loved him, that’s all that mattered to him.

Todd was absolutely infatuated. 

He knew there were worse things to be obsessed with, like drugs, alcohol, or something like that. But Neil wasn’t like that. His obsession with Neil was completely different.

“Hey, what are you writing?” Todd’s head snapped up when he heard Neil's voice and he slammed his book shut.

“What-?” he stammered out.

“Writing- what are you working on? You’ve been staring at that page for like an hour like it’s done you some kind of personal wrong.” Neil waved to Todd’s notebook with a smile. Like he was genuinely interested. 

“Uh- nothing really…” Todd blushed and fiddled with his pencil. “Just- stuff…”

“What kind of stuff?” Charlie ran into Neil, throwing an arm around his shoulders with a big goofy grin on his face. Charlie was Neil's best friend, they were literally always together. Todd thought it was cute. “Are you writing down all your dirty secrets?” Charlie teased.

“Shut up.” Neil shoved Charlie's face away and Charlie laughed. “If you don't wanna tell me you don't have to, but I would really like to know, Todd.” 

Todd felt his chest tighten and he looked up. Neil remembered his name. “You- remembered my name?” he gave the smallest smile.

Neil chuckled. “Well yeah, we’re friends, aren’t we? Why wouldn’t I remember your name?” 

“Maybe cuz you suck ass when it comes to names.” Charlie laughed.

Neil shot him a glare. “Todd, I’m serious, I’m curious.” Neil's fingers inched toward Todd's notebook.

“Oh shit- you’re in for it, Todd, when he’s curious he won't stop for nothing to find out.” Charlie chuckled. 

Todd was still trying to come to terms with the fact that Neil thought of them as friends. He thought Neil didn’t even know who he was. But he remembered his name and called him his friend. It was blowing his mind.

“Well- I-” Todd pulled his notebook away and slid it into his lap so Neil couldn’t get to it. “Maybe another day…” Todd hoped one day he’d get to share it with Neil- but not yet. He didn’t even know if Neil was straight or gay or what. Showing him a love poem he’d written to Neil right after they became friends would definitely scare him away. And that was the last thing Todd wanted. 

“Really?” Neil’s face brightened tenfold and Todd felt himself fall a little more in love with him. “When?”

Todd blushed and looked down. “I dunno- just not right now…” and definitely not in front of Charlie. That would be way too embarrassing. 

“But someday?” Neil leaned across the table, grinning wider than the sky.

“M-maybe…” Todd glanced up at Neil and then looked away.

“Dude, chill, you’re scaring the poor kid.” Charlie laughed.

“Sorry-” Neil apologized and sat back.

Todd didn’t like the way Charlie had called him a kid. He was a year younger than them but that didn’t make him a kid. There was hardly a difference, plus Todd was Taller than both of them, so the age thing practically didn’t even matter.

“It’s okay.” Todd flashed him a smile.

Someone honked from the carpool lane and Charlie looked up. “That’s my mom, let’s go.” Charlie lightly smacked Neil’s arm and Neil got up. 

“Alright, see you later Todd.” Neil waved and smiled at him before running after Charlie to get in his mom's car. 

Todd just sat there for a few minutes, trying to figure out what happened. This was crazy- Neil was his friend? Yesterday he was just a senior in two of his classes. How had that happened?

Todd desperately tried to figure out what was going on as he watched the two of them drive away. He was so confused. 

Todd started getting invited to sit with Neil and Charlie for lunch almost every day now and Todd was doing his very best to keep his cool, but it was really fucking hard. This was literally a dream come true- like some kind of gay coming-of-age movie on a slow burn-

Neil sat close to him all the time, and Todd would absolutely lose it. He would just smile all stupid and agree with anything Neil said because of course he would, Neil was always right. He was amazing, talented, smart, and just- everything Todd wanted. 

Even some of Neil's other friends seemed to notice it. Charlie would always move over to let Todd sit right next to him with a funny smile on his face. Knox always told Charlie to go with him when he left to go get snacks and they left with looks over their shoulders and giggles.

Todd was sure that had to mean something- right? 

“You wanna go to the movies?” Neil asked.

Todd snapped his head to look at Neil. he had to be hearing things- that had to be it, there was no way Neil just asked him out on a date- no way on earth.

“W-what?” he asked, his face heating up. Charlie and Knox had left to get snacks from the vending machine and Todd and Neil were alone, sitting in the drama hallway with their lunches and backpacks.

Neil glanced away and shrugged. “With me and the guys, we wanted to go see a movie and I thought we’d invite you,” Neil explained.

It wasn’t a date. Todd couldn’t help but feel a little disappointed. But he shrugged it off. “Uh- sure, what movie?” he asked, trying to move past his embarrassment. 

Neil hesitated. “Uh- the- uh- the new Transformers movie.” he blurted out. “The one about bumble bee…” he nodded slowly as he worked on his string cheese. 

Todd frowned slightly. That didn’t seem like Neil's kind of movie. “Really?” he asked.

Neil flushed slightly and shrugged. “Charlie wants to see it, and you know how Charlie can get when he wants something.” he laughed it off.

Todd nodded. He supposed that made sense. “Yeah, okay.” he agreed. “When are you thinking?” 

“Tomorrow- after school,” Neil said hurriedly. “But if that’s too soon we can figure something else out-”

“I can do that.” Todd cut him off with an awkward smile. Neil was acting so weird, but he thought it was really cute.

“What are we talking about?” Charlie called out from down the hall. Knox shoved him into the wall and they swatted hands at each other all the way down the hall till they got back to their friends.

“We talking about you,” Neil smirked and threw a goldfish at him.

“Good, I’m a great conversation topic.” Charlie beamed, picked up the fish, and popped it into his mouth.

Neil laughed and they moved on with the conversation they were having before Charlie and Knox had left. Todd smiled and listened to them talk, he didn’t really have a lot to say most of the time, but he liked being included in things. Especially if Neil was there.

“So we’re just walking to the theater?” Todd asked as he shrugged his backpack on. Neil smiled awkwardly. 

“Yeah, Charlie’s mom is busy today, plus the theater isn’t that far, it’s like a five-minute walk,” Neil explained. “Charlie just texted me and said Knox has to stay back to chat with the teacher, he said we can go ahead and they’ll meet us there.” 

Todd blinked a few times. “Oh.” that was weird. “We could wait for them-” he shrugged.

“We gotta go get our tickets.” Neil pointed out. “We don't want them to sell out before we get there.”

Todd supposed that made sense… “Okay…” he agreed and so he and Neil headed down the sidewalk to the theater.

Neil waved his arms around when he talked and told stories. Todd thought it was the cutest thing ever. Sometimes when he forgot what he was talking about Neil would tap the knuckle on his middle finger to his nose with a furrowed brow and Todd couldn’t look away. 

Everything about Neil was amazing. He loved him.

They got to the theater and got in line to buy tickets when Neil got a phone call. “It’s Charlie,” he said, then answered it. “Hey man.” he greeted.

“Hey, something came up and I’m gonna go with Knox, he needs to go home,” Charlie said.

Neil bit his lip and blushed slightly. Todd could hear Charlie through the phone, he and Neil were standing close and Neil's phone volume was always all the way up. “Okay, that’s fine…”

“Is everything okay?” Todd frowned slightly, gently tugging on Neil’s sleeve.

Neil smiled awkwardly and nodded. “I hope everything is okay, let us know if you need us.”

“Will do, lover boy.” Charlie chuckled.

Neil went red. Todd frowned. What did that mean?

“We can go home, we haven't got the tickets yet, it’s fine.” Todd offered, and Charlie heard him.

“No no, you two enjoy your movie, we’ll be just fine, Knox is just-” a beat of silence. “It’s fine, don't worry.”

Todd found all of this really strange. 

“Okay-” Neil started to say and then Charlie hung up.

“What’s going on?” Todd asked with a small worried frown. “Is Knox okay?” he asked.

Neil nodded quickly. “Yeah- Knox is fine, Charlie’s just a fucking weirdo.” he shrugged. “Well- since it’s just us now, do you wanna see a different movie?” he waved a hand up to their options.

Todd read over the titles and stopped on one. “Bohemian Rhapsody. Isn’t that one about Queen? The band?” he asked. He knew it was. He also knew that Queen was one of Neil’s favorite bands. He probably wanted to see that one.

“Yeah.” Neil nodded with a smile. “It is- did you know, Freddy Mercury had four extra teeth in his mouth and that’s how he had such good range? Cuz his mouth was bigger.” Neil explained excitedly.

“Have you seen it?” Todd asked. “The movie?” 

Neil shook his head. “My dad doesn’t want me to… cuz Freddie was gay, that’s what the movie is about,” Neil said awkwardly.

There was a strange silence between them as a tension built that Todd didn’t quite recognize. “Let’s watch it.” Todd blurted out.

Neil looked up. “What?” 

“You’re dad’ll never know, he’s not here, it plays the same time as Bumblebee and you can just look up the plot of that movie if he wants to ask you questions.” Todd rambled. “You wanna watch it so… let’s watch it…” Todd knew he was blushing- but he couldn’t stop.

Neil smiled at him with big eyes. “Yeah, okay.” he nodded.

The movie was really good. Todd actually really liked it. He kept getting distracted though, Neil’s hand kept accidentally touching his and it was really hard to pay attention to the movie when that happened. Then they were walking home together, they could walk for a little ways before they had to split up, and the sun was starting to set. They chatted about the movie and all kinds of other things.

Some of the street lights around them started to turn on just as they reached the corner they had to part ways at.

Neil paused in his steps and turned to Todd. “this was fun.” he smiled softly.

Todd felt his heart skip a beat. “Y-yeah.” he nodded quickly.

“You’ve got a lot more to say when there are fewer people around- I like it,” Neil smirked. “I should get you alone more often.”

Todd felt his face heat up and his stomach twisting. Did Neil even hear what he was saying? He glanced down, he was sure his face was bright red, but he just prayed Neil couldn't see it in the bad lighting around them.

“Y-yeah…” he agreed again.

“Well don't go shy on me now, Todd,” Neil said playfully. “I like listening to you talk.” 

Todd was going to die. He knew it. This was the end, if Neil didn’t shut the fuck up right now then Todd was going to absolutely just cease to be. He could literally feel his soul parting from his body at this very moment. 

“Anyway, I’ll see you tomorrow, yeah?” Neil seemed to take pity on Todd's heart and gave him a soft smile.

“Yeah, See you tomorrow.” Todd nodded. 

But then the two of them just stood there for a moment. Todd felt tension building up between them, he couldn’t help but feel like this was some stupid scene from his coming-of-age drama where he’d get his first kiss.

But then Neil turned and headed home. “Walk safe,” he called over his shoulder.

Todd stood there for a moment, watching him walk away. It took him a second to remember how to breathe. But once he did, he resigned himself to walking home. Maybe he just really needed to stop watching chick flicks…

Todd was worried sick, Neil hadn’t shown up to school yesterday, and then they didn’t hear from him all weekend. Charlie asked Todd what happened at the movies, but he explained that everything was totally normal and literally nothing happened.

Charlie seemed confused, and severely worried. And when Charlie Dalton was worried, that was cause for concern. 

“And he hasn’t texted you at all?” Charlie asked again.

Todd shook his head quickly. “I promise- look you can check if you want-” he pulled out his phone to prove it, but Charlie shook his head.

“I believe you- sorry, I’m just… worried.” he sighed. “I’m sure he’ll be fine, he can’t miss too much school, his dad won't let him, he’ll be here today, even if he’s late,” he explained. 

Todd bit his lip and nodded. “Okay… if you’re sure.” he slid his phone back into his pocket and frowned deeply. He was so worried that he’d done something wrong- but he couldn’t for the life of him figure out what it could be.

Neil did in fact join them for lunch. “Where the hell have you been?” Charlie scolded him.

Neil smiled apologetically. But it was forced, Todd could tell. He didn’t seem as happy and energetic as he normally did. He seemed… sad. “Sorry- I was working on a thing…” he explained.

Charlie scowled. “What thing? Why didn’t you answer any of my texts?” he pouted and Neil patted his shoulder.

“It’s fine Charlie, my dad took my phone for the weekend… and I'm working on a prom-posal…” Neil said hesitantly.

Charlie seemed to light up at that and his eyes darted towards Todd before he could catch himself. “Wh- really?” he breathed. Like he couldn’t believe it.

“Yeah… I’m gonna ask Amanda to the dance…” there was no emotion behind it. No excitement. Neil always got this cute smile on his face when he talked about things he was interested in. but he said Amanda's name with a straight face.

Knox, surprisingly, was the first to speak after that. “What the actual fuck?” he dropped his empty juice box with a glare.

Neil flinched slightly and looked up at Knox with hurt puppy eyes. “Wh-what?” 

“Amanda? Since when do you like Amanda?” Knox’s nose wrinkled as he said her name.

Neil seemed to take a deep breath and compose himself as he sat up a little straighter. “She’s a fine young woman… you know… the kind I’m supposed to surround myself with- or whatever-” he lazily waved his hand in the air.

Todd was crushed.

Absolutely crushed. He sat with his hands in his lap and his head down. He had nothing to say, so he wouldn’t dare open his mouth. He tried so hard not to get his hopes up and yet he still let himself get led on- and it wasn’t even Neil's fault, Todd knew he was stupid. He knew it. He knew someone like Neil would never like someone like him.

Charlie, Knox, and Neil were bickering a little but Todd just drowned it out, his thoughts becoming too loud for his head. He started to feel like he couldn’t breathe.

What was happening?

He put a hand to his stomach to try and calm himself down but it only got worse, and quickly. He felt sick- like he wanted to throw up- but also like he was gonna pass out, or scream, and cry- his brain was running in circles and he was getting dizzy.

“Todd?” Neil asked and Todd shot up to his feet.

“Sorry-” he left the table and sprinted to the bathrooms.

He locked himself in the handicapped stall and pushed himself into the corner as far as he could, hugging his knees to his chest.

His head felt like it was caving in on itself. He couldn’t see- he couldn’t fucking see, why couldn’t he see? And he couldn’t hear anything but his own heartbeat-

He sniffled- then realized he was openly sobbing. 

When had that happened?

He covered his face with his hands and pressed the heels of his palms into his eyes, trying to stave off the tears. He didn’t want to cry- this was so stupid- he was so stupid- he shouldn’t be crying!

Todd heard a bell ring- but he didn’t stop crying- he couldn’t breathe, he was so stupid, to think Neil would ever like him, to think Neil was into him- to think Charlie and Knox were helping him spend time alone with him- he was so fucking stupid-

Another bell rang.

Todd gasped for breath as he beat his fist against his head and pulled at his hair, it was too loud- he couldn’t hear anything- his chest was too heavy and he was so tired he wanted to fall asleep and never wake back up again.

“Todd?” a soft voice spoke.

Todd clamped his hands over his mouth, suddenly too aware of everything around him. He couldn’t be heard, this was so embarrassing.

“Todd, you in here?” it was Knox. 

Todd whimpered. He just hoped Neil wasn’t with him, that would be too much for him to take.

“Todd-” Knox was at the stall door, then he crawled under it and sat in the corner opposite of Todd. “hey, Todd, it’s okay, take some deep breaths.”

Todd shook his head, he didn’t even know how to breathe anymore, he’d forgotten. And that was a good thing, he didn’t want to.

“You can do it, in and out, I’ll do it with you.” Knox prompted. 

Todd hesitated, then gently pulled his hands away from his face and took in a slow, and very shaky breath. Then let it out, just as shaky.

“Good, now do it again and hold it in for a second.” Knox walked him through it, step by step, and didn’t leave his side. 

Eventually, Todd calmed down enough that he felt like an actual human being again. He felt ashamed. He couldn’t meet Knox’s gaze.

“Hey, wanna talk about it?” he asked softly. Todd shrugged. “Why’d you leave the lunch table?” Todd shrugged again. “Have you been in here the whole time?”

Todd looked up this time. Whole time? What did that even mean, wasn’t it still lunch? Knox watched him for a second.

“School got out fifteen minutes ago…” Knox said softly.

“Oh-” Todd breathed. He’d been in the bathroom for like two hours, just crying.

“Was it a panic attack?” Knox asked.

Todd thought about it. He’d had anxiety attacks before- but this… this was different. So maybe that’s what it was. He shrugged and nodded at the same time.

“Was that your first panic attack?” 

Todd hesitated. Then nodded. “Yeah…” he whispered. 

Knox nodded. “Was it because Neil is asking out Amanda?” he asked softly.

Todd tensed up slightly. Knox knew- he must think he was a freak- he was probably here to tell him to stay the fuck away from his friend.

“Look- Neil is confused…” Knox breathed and Todd looked up. Confused as well. “His dad- his dad is an ass, and he forces Neil to do everything his way… and- well… he found out that you and Neil had gone to the movies together, so he… well he punished Neil and told him if he didn’t get a girlfriend he was gonna send him to army school,” Knox explained.

Todd listened carefully. “So- but- why-” Todd’s hands were shaking so he sat on them. “Does that mean… he-”

Knox winced slightly. “I think so. I think he likes you Todd- but he’s really confused and- and stressed. We can’t force him to do anything… but give it time, see if we can work things out, don't give up on him yet, okay?” 

Todd felt like the entire world had just been lifted off his shoulders, and he hadn’t even realized he’d been holding it. He let out a relieved sigh.

“O-okay…”

“But you can’t tell Neil I told you any of this. He- he didn’t want you to know…” Knox looked ashamed of himself. “But- I couldn’t let you just sit here and spiral… so I had to tell you,” he explained.

Todd smiled softly. “Thanks, Knox…” he nodded.

Prom got closer and closer, and Neil was still planning on taking Amanda, she had agreed excitedly and everything. Knox and Charlie decided they didn’t need dates because they wanted to go with each other… as ‘mates’.

But Todd was pretty sure he was starting to catch on now.

Neil started spending less and less time around Todd, which was actually driving him crazy. He was trying to do everything right. He let Charlie sit next to him more often so Neil wouldn’t feel pressured or anything- he stopped getting too close to him when they did sit next to each other- he even made small talk with Amanda when Neil brought her around.

He wasn’t sure what else he was supposed to do.

But it seemed like Neil might actually like her. They laughed and chatted about stuff like college and Shakespeare. She sat so close to him that it made Todd’s blood boil. She would touch his arm or hair and lean into him and laugh at stupid things he said that weren’t even funny. And Todd wasn’t sure how much more of it he could take. 

“Are you going to Prom, Todd?” Todd's head snapped up when he heard Neil say his name. It had been a week since Neil had had a direct conversation with him.

“Uh- oh- I dunno…” Todd looked down and away.

Amanda wasn’t around right now, and Charlie and Knox mysteriously had to use the bathroom at the same time. So it was just the two of them.

“I don't really have anyone to go with…” he shrugged.

Neil frowned. “But you could still go, even if you don't have a date,” Neil said.

Todd shrugged. “I dunno… I don't wanna be the only loner there, I guess.” 

“You won't be a loner…” Neil said softly.

Todd didn’t believe him.

“Please come…?” Neil whispered. 

Todd bit the inside of his cheek and stared at his shoes like they had done him some personal wrong. There was a long pause of silence between them. Todd wasn’t sure what to say, he was getting so many mixed signals- it wasn’t fair- it was making him feel stupid.

“I’ll think about it,” Todd whispered back.

Todd picked up his phone to see Charlie was calling him. He answered it with a small frown. “Aren’t you on your way to prom right now?” he asked, checking the time.

“We’re picking you up.” Charlie laughed.

Todd’s eyes shot wide open and he jumped off his bed, darting to his window. Charlie and Knox were outside his house with a car.

“What? But- but I’m not going-” Todd stammered.

“You have to.” Charlie chuckled. “You’ll see, but you gotta come with us.”

“I- I don't have anything to wear-” Todd spun around, looking around his room.

“We’ve got a suit for you, just get out here.” Charlie laughed.

“Todd, we gotta go,” Knox spoke through the phone and Todd felt anxiety bubble in his chest.

“What is going on-”

“It’s for Neil, please, just, come with us,” Charlie explained. 

Todd hesitated. “I’ll- I’ll be right down,” he said quickly, then hung up. He put on deodorant and then quickly brushed his teeth before flying out the front door and rushing to Charlie’s car.

“Hey, sweetie.” Charlie’s mom waved.

The middle seat in the minivan was taken out and Knox and Charlie were sitting on the back bench, holding Todd's stuff. “Here, get dressed, there’s room. Mom, drive.” 

Charlie’s mom sighed and shook her head. “You boys are so dramatic.” she put the car into drive and started driving, so Todd started getting dressed. It was awkward, and honestly pretty difficult. But when they got there and climbed out, Charlie and Knox helped him straighten himself out.

“Love you, Mom, bye.” Charlie waved as she drove away. “Alright, let’s go.”

Todd followed after them, honestly so nervous he couldn’t feel his hands or feet. But that was fine, he had no idea what was about to happen.

Charlie and Knox pulled him onto the dance floor where he saw it.

Amanda was in her beautiful green dress- she was dancing with a cute little blonde girl in a blue dress.

“W-what?” Todd breathed. Honestly so confused.

Charlie pointed over along the wall. Neil was sitting on the floor with a plastic cup in his hands. “Go, ask him to dance.” Charlie grinned.

Todd felt ice run through his veins. “What?” he squeaked.

“Amanda only agreed to go with him because she was scared to come out to her parents. She explained this to him right when they got here, and she said that she knew he had eyes for someone else, so she’s willing to be his fake girlfriend in front of his dad so Neil can be with who he wants to be with.” Knox explained. “And that’s you.”

Todd felt his chest light up. “M-me?” Todd breathed. 

“Go to him-” Charlie pushed him forward.

Todd stumbled forward a step, took a deep breath, then headed toward Neil.

Neil had finished his drink and was just spinning his empty plastic cup around between his feet. Todd stopped right in front of him and cleared his throat, then held a hand out to him.

“You- uh… wanna dance?” Todd squeaked, way less cool than he’d sounded in his head. Neil looked up- shocked.

“Todd-?” Neil fumbled to his feet and brushed himself off, face, turning red. “What are you doing here- I mean- I thought you didn’t wanna go-”

“Charlie talked me into it,” Todd admitted shyly as he blushed. “But… do you wanna dance?” 

Neil stared at him for a few long seconds, before he finally reached forward with a small nod, and put his hand in Todd’s.