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“Nah,” Bones finally snapped. “Nah nah nah, imma need you to back that train right on up,” he said, glaring at his young roommate.
Jim shrugged, fiddling with his astrophysics PADD as they sat in their academy dorm. “‘S not a big deal, Bones.”
“Not a big-" Bones’ eyes went even wider, if possible. “You haven’t been to a doctor in NINE YEARS and you think that’s NORMAL?”
“…Didn't say it was NORMAL…”
“Oh, oh no! Just not a big deal!” Bones snapped again, throwing his hands up.
“Exactly!” Jim nodded once.
“Bull.” Len deadpanned. “It’s a huge deal!”
“Oh, you only say that because you HAVE to…” Jim grumbled.
“Have to what?”
“Have to… Act like exams are important, or even necessary. And talk other doctors up. They don’t deserve it…”
Len could tell that the last sentence was NOT meant for him to hear. “Jim,” he said earnestly, sitting on the edge of Jim’s bed- the closest to Jim himself sitting at the kitchenette table. “Jim,” he repeated. “I don’t say that because I HAVE to, but because I believe it. We’re only as medically advanced as we are because of routine screenings! The ones you’ve been avoiding for almost a decade! Didn’t you have to pass a physical to get admitted to the Academy?”
Jim looked over at him, finally, and cocked an eyebrow. “Did YOU?”
“Yes!” Len fought another sigh. “Plus, *I* get routine screenings for work, we have to pass physicals every year. YOU will too, by the way, on a starship. You’ll need ‘em QUARTERLY. Not to mention the ones you need after every. Single. Away. Mission.”
He could see Jim pale a bit at that. “Bull.” He said, his turn to snap.
“Didn’t get that far in the handbook yet?” Len snorted.
Jim rolled his eyes. “Please, I had the Starfleet handbook memorized by 7.”
“Well I’d reckon to wager it’s been updated over the past 15 or so years, especially after… disasters.” Len cringed at bringing such a thing up.
But Jim only shrugged, a one shoulder, 'barely even listening' shrug. “Nothing's wrong. Nothing's been wrong. And if something is ever wrong, I can usually handle it myself.” He paused to correct himself after barely a split second, “I CAN handle it myself.” No ‘usually’.
Len HAD to wonder when the exception was for that ‘usually’. What had happened to the kid? Two months into the academy and he still felt like he only knew of the parts of Jim that Jim WANTED him to know, nothing more.
He could tell there had been abuse.
There were tiny, tiny things Jim did that someone who wasn’t Leonard H. McCoy wouldn’t have noticed. A slight flinch when someone else in the room moved too quickly. His eyes carefully and nervously following your every move without his head moving. A very perceptive ability to interpret body language. His frequent attempts to help around the dorm- cleaning messes that weren’t even his. His aversion to physical touch that wasn’t initiated by him. Nightmares that he tried to hide. His cagey responses to questions about his past. Not to mention the near-constant self-deprecation. Sure, the kid was confident. Cocky, even. Or at least, that was the air he put off. That’s how he wanted people to perceive him. But in the privacy of their dorm, Len could see the mask fall little by little the more they were alone.
He was also getting better at telling when Jim was masking. And right then? He had on a thicker face than Shatner in the 1960’s tv scene. His mask was thick, but SO thick it was clearly fake and put on in a hurry.
But, why DOCTORS? Did doctors ignore his abuse growing up? Add to it? He couldn’t figure out why Jim DETESTED them so much.
Len tried to soften his voice. “But what about VACCINES, Jim? You’re gonna need those to even go on off-planet training exercises next year,” he tried to reason.
Jim shrugged. “I’d figured I’d cross that bridge when I got to it.”
(Enter Levaran Mud Fleas.)
But by then, Len was ticked off. “JIM! Starfleet is a MILITARY organization. How have you even MANAGED to put your MANDATORY physical off for TWO FREAKING MONTHS?”
Another shrug from a still indifferent Jim. “Easy.”
He was starting to shut down.
Len felt himself growing red. “Listen, if you want to disregard your OWN health, well FINE. But just remember that you are disregarding EVERYONE ELSE’S as well when you’re on a Starship!”
“I can handle myself.” Jim snapped lowly, dangerously.
“Well sometimes other people can’t! Won’t be able to!”
“You actually think that little of me? That I’d ever put the people under me in danger?” Jim yelled, quickly standing up. “And you have NO idea the things I’ve done-" Jim suddenly stopped himself, taking a deep breath, before plopping back down at the table. “I know when something is serious and when it is not. Doctors just don’t tend to like that I can differentiate because all of you usually just want to control the situation.” He said lowly and with harsh annunciation over every word. “Just want to control the patient.”
Len had never seen Jim this angry. This… frightened. He softened. “Jim, I never want to control anybody. Nor would I ever try to take away someone’s autonomy of choice just because I did.”
“Well then YOU are a RARE breed, Bones…” Jim said to the table.
Len sighed. “Who’s your appointment with?”
“Some guy named Puri.”
“Puri. Good guy. Thorough. No nonsense. But listens. I think you’ll like him.”
Jim scoffed. “Yeah, right.”
•
“A broken arm? Our Jimmy here is such a clutz, ain’t that right? ….keep your mouth shut, boy.”
With how TICKED Pike and Bones were, Jim knew he couldn’t avoid the physical.
“Let’s see what new allergies we can discover today, ey JT?”
Logically, at least.
“James, you need to EAT!”
“Then LET ME SEE KEVIN.”
“You’re not well enough-“
“AUGHHGGGH!!!!”
A sigh. “Bring the hypo and prep a feeding tube.”
Logically, he knew he couldn’t avoid it.
“You have to TELL US what Kodos’ men did to you in the palace, James!”
“Stop. Calling. Me that.”
“We’re beginning to believe you may be exaggerating, young man.”
Logically, he knew it had to be done.
“What do you MEAN I can’t see his medical records? I’m his MOTHER.”
“Win, you don’t wanna know.”
And logically, he knew it wasn’t a big deal.
“Nah, nah, just pop it back in before the cops come. I don’t need a doctor.”
But his brain was only SCREAMING one thing- RUN.
“Cadet Kirk, you MUST fill in the medical history portion of your intake forms!”
“Trust me. Starfleet already has them.”
And Bones knew that.
Bones also knew that Pike had made Jim the appointment and Jim was far less likely to disobey Chris Pike than anyone else.
But standing at the doorway of Starfleet Medical, in his scrubs, taking a 15 away from the ED, he was starting to doubt himself.
Because it was 8:55 am and Jim’s appointment was at 9, and Jim was nowhere to be seen. The kid was typically early to everything- even when he had to book across the entire campus to make back-to-back classes for his stupid three-year plan.
Since their little blow up two days prior, Jim had been distant. Staying out late, getting up early, avoiding all conversation, just basically shutting down and trying to not have to think. And talking to his doctor roommate apparently made him think of things he didn’t like.
Bones looked down at his watch again and sighed. But when he looked back up to look out the glass doors, he saw a pacing Jim.
He first saw him walking away. So he went to run, but then Jim suddenly turned on his heel, heading back towards the doors.
Len took him in. Clenched fists at his sides, tight jaw, hard set eyes, and every muscle tense.
What?
But when he got about 6 feet away from the door, he suddenly whipped around again, seemingly shaking his head.
Len pulled out his padd and sent Puri a message, letting him know Jim was still coming but would be late. Len barely got his eyes off his padd before Puri immediately answered that Pike had already advised him to block out at LEAST double the time a physical typically took for that very reason.
Len sighed. There was still so much he didn’t know about Jim that apparently Chris Pike DID.
He stuffed his padd in his pocket and squared his shoulders to head out the door once Jim’s back was to him again. He took a few steps outside, but stepped out of the main pathway, and crossed his arms, waiting for Jim to turn back around.
Jim jumped when he saw him, but Len ignored that, calling out, “-the heck’r you doing?”
“Just… getting my steps in.” Jim said lamely, shoving his hands in the pockets of his cadet reds.
“Uh huh,” Len answered. He pointed a thumb over his shoulder. “Gonna come inside?”
Jim visibly gulped but nodded. “Y-yeah. But you don’t have to show me where to go or anything, man. I appreciate it, but-"
Jim was pulling a mask on as quickly as he could.
“It’s a big place. Lots’a offices. I need the steps myself,” Bones said with a side eyed smile.
Jim tried to smile back but Len saw the shaking at the corner of his lips at the effort. He knew, too, that Jim was still on edge with HIM.
Walking down a hallway, Len suddenly stopped to put a hand on Jim’s arm to stop him. He could SEE Jim fight the urge to rip his arm away. “Look, Jim, I never meant to imply that you would be the type of captain- the type of MAN to put others in danger. It’s simply my job to keep people as safe and as healthy as possible. I always have to think of worst-case scenarios and preventative measures. I get that you don’t like doctors-"
“It’s not that I don’t like doctors,” Jim snapped, finally wrenching his arm away. “It’s that I don’t TRUST them.” He said with finality, continuing his walk down the hall.
Bones stayed standing there as Jim stalked off, sick to his stomach to know he was one of the people his roommate, and only friend, didn’t trust.
•
Jim sat atop a hill overlooking the Bay. He was finding himself dissociating and figured a secluded spot would be a good enough place to do so.
He watched the little boats bobble.
The sun gleam off the bridge.
The birds dive and splash in the water.
He saw it all, but he couldn’t SEE it.
Puri was a decent enough guy. For a doctor. He did things quick and to the point without any unnecessary chatter.
Jim couldn’t help but wonder if that’s why Pike picked him. Or maybe if Pike told him to be that way. Or both.
•
Pike was there. On the ship. When the kids were rescued from Tarsus.
He saw what the medical team did to them.
He heard Jim’s screams through the supposedly-soundproof walls.
He knew Jim’s fear of doctors wasn’t unfounded.
Not at all.
So he HAD to sit and wonder just how he was getting on with his doctor roommate…
•
Jim cringed, literally, just thinking about getting the physical.
The weight always triggered him. Thank GOD Puri didn’t disobey his request to not tell him what it was. The tiny number they kept screaming about after he had returned to Earth after Tarsus just… He hated scales. And the meaning behind them. The reasoning behind them. But he complied.
He complied with it all.
Down to the below-the-belt exam he’d been dreading. People would have believed the rumors of how much he slept around and thought it wouldn’t faze him but really, he didn’t care for having to take his clothes off for ANY reason. But he was 22, he knew what exams were needed. Erm, or, overdue. The rest wasn’t AS bad. Ears, nose, throat, glands, etc.
But he still ground his teeth the entire exam and bolted as soon as he was given the ok to.
He HATED doctors.
He usually tried to forget Bones was one, but it was getting harder as of late.
He had started asking questions. Questions Jim didn’t want to answer. About his childhood, his life so far. He’d do it so casually, mention something about his life then ask Jim if he ever did anything similar. Yknow, typical adult conversation. But also- typical DOCTOR conversation. He bristled at it. Every time.
He hated someone wanting to know about him. Things about him he kept secret. Things that he didn’t even ACKNOWLEDGE happened to him. He kept everyone at a distance for a REASON. He only let people see of him what he WANTED them to see.
But Bones? Bones could see things that Jim didn’t even see himself.
And it scared him.
Terrified him.
Not just because he was a doctor. Not just because someone else was interested in his life.
But because he was sure to eventually leave, anyway.
Because everyone does.
Jim knew that his entire childhood medical history was redacted, thanks to Tarsus. Because Starfleet never wanted to be reminded of their screwup.
And since he didn’t consent to Puri being his PCP, he didn’t get access to it. He wondered if he would ever have that much faith in someone, to let them see those files. To let them know he was there. He wondered if he could ever give that access to his ship’s CMO, should he have one, someday.
He looked back out at the water. The boats.
There wasn’t a lot of water in Riverside… Or on Tarsus.
Sure, it was lush, green, with yellow fields and plenty of rain. At least at first.
He glanced over at the bridge. The Golden Gate Bridge. The red, gleaming bridge whose coloring matched the color of the dust that fell over the crops.
‘An exotic fungus’ is what they had said.
It turned that lush, green, farming environment into a burnt orange/red color that consumed everything.
Even the water supply, somehow.
Shortly after, Kodos’ so-called ‘doctors’ helped him ‘determine’ who was ‘fit for survival’ and who wasn’t.
Eugenicists are what they truly were.
They were the ones there, in the palace, when they finally caught him. So excited for someone new to experiment on…
He ducked his head and rubbed at his eyes. He went to sit on that hill so he WOULDN'T think about doctors, dang it! But it was a secluded spot, one of the only truly secluded places he’d been able to find since he enrolled and started his life in San Francisco. And he didn’t want to leave it. Mostly, he didn’t want to go back to his dorm. To his doctor roommate. Who surely hated him after today, anyway.
Starfleet doctors SUCKED. Sure, he knew Kodos’ doctors were only there to cause pain, he had no other expectations out of them. But the Starfleet doctors… In some ways they were worse. They caused just as much pain, but called it healing. They wouldn’t understand. They refused to understand. He tried, tried explaining what they’d done to him but… what was the point? Once they wouldn’t let him see his kids, he lost any willingness to be cooperative, anyway. That’s when the restraints came out.
And that was the last time he’d seen a doctor. Until that day.
He took in a breath, lifting his entire diaphragm with it, straightening his spine, before letting it out in a WHOOSH.
He couldn’t stop thinking about what Bones said, about the mandatory physicals on a starship. That was a TERRIFYING and frankly SUFFOCATING thought. His biggest dream was going to cost him so much emotional energy just from stupid medical exams.
Jim frustratedly rubbed at his eyes again.
He was going to have to go home eventually. Maybe Bones wouldn’t be there. Maybe, if he waited there long enough, he’d miss the awkward “move out” conversation. The one where Bones was sure to tell him that this clearly wasn’t working, and they needed to get different roommates. He could even sleep on the hill. It was nice enough out. He’d slept outside plenty of times in his life already, anyways. Not usually for any good reason, however.
He was about to lay down on the grass when someone plopped beside him.
Bones.
“Wha- how-" Jim sputtered.
“Oh please, you’re not THAT hard to find,” Bones said gruffly, drawing up his knees and lazily throwing his elbows over them as he admired the view of the bay and bridge.
Jim simply stared at him.
“Okay, you ARE, but I know people too ya know.”
Jim blew out a laugh that was a bit high pitched and nervous.
“Yeah? What're you trying to find me for?” Jim asked to his lap, voice full of dread.
Bones shrugged, “make sure you’re okay.”
Jim looked over and watched him pick at the lint on his scrubs. “Why?” He found himself breathing.
Bones looked over at him for the first time, his face scrunched in confusion. “Because you had to do somethin’ you clearly didn’t wanna for some reason and I wanna make sure you’re okay because you’re my… friend.”
“Roommate.” Jim said under his breath.
“Huh?” Bones asked, confused even more.
“We’re roommates, Bones. That’s all. You don’t have to pretend to like me or anything.”
Len scoffed, “didn’t say I LIKED ya, said you were my friend.” He smiled over at the kid, and his stomach dropped at the look of devastation on Jim’s face. “Hey-hey-hey, it was a joke,” he said, turning to face him a bit.
He had to stop and wonder if he was seeing Jim without a mask, for real. “Jim, WHAT is goin’ on? You’re not actin’ like yourself.”
“And how would you know? Hm?” Jim snapped, eyes narrowed. “You know nothing about me, nothing about my life before here, none of things I’ve done-"
“Because I don’t care about that.” Len cut him off. “I care about who you are here, now, in front of me. I’ve got a lot in my past that I’m NOT proud of and don’t like to discuss. You never ask about any of that. You just accept me for who I am now. And honestly, I feel… very different than who I used to be. If I believed in judgin’ a man totally by his past, well, I sure as hell wouldn’t be here.”
Len let the silence lapse, wanting to see if Jim would say anything to that.
He didn’t.
Len sighed. “A’right, well, I’ll leave ya to it. See ya at home.” He went to pat Jim’s shoulder and stand, but when he looked over as he put his hand down, he saw the tears on the kid’s face.
He also felt Jim’s shoulder tense at the touch. But he left his hand.
He held in a sad sigh, and instead of standing, he stayed sitting with his hand on the kid’s shoulder.
“I just hate doctors.” Jim ground out.
“…Does that mean you hate me?” Len asked.
Jim genuinely thought about it before shaking his head. “No. No, of course not.”
“But you don’t trust me?” Len asked hesitantly.
“Do you trust me?” Jim asked, finally returning his gaze.
Len didn’t even have to think. “Yeah, yeah kid, I do. I can tell a good person when I see one. Even when they try to act like they aren’t,” he finished with a smirk.
Jim laughed a little maniacally. “James T. Kirk. The T is for trouble.”
Len’s heart ached in a way that told him that that was something said to, or rather AT Jim a lot.
And he didn’t miss the fact that Jim hadn’t answered his question.
Len sighed. “Nooo,” he said, finally standing. “It’s for Tiberius, you dope.” He held a hand out to Jim. “Cmon. I have a paper to write, and I need ‘study food’.”
Jim laughed but took his hand. “You always say ‘study food’ is crap that we’re both too old for.”
Len shrugged, toying with tossing an arm around the kid’s shoulders.
He decided not to.
“Yeah, well. Sometimes I’m fun. Move it or lose it, Tiberius.”
“Shut up, Horatio.”
•
“Boooooones!” Jim was whining, being dragged down the hallways of the Enterprise by his elbow by his best friend. “I don’t need-”
“James Tiberius, shut. UP.”
Jim promptly clamped his mouth shut.
…For about 5 seconds. “But-”
“SHUSH.”
“I’m the Cap-”
“Which is WHY you’re getting an exam!”
They arrived in Medbay and Bones pointed to a biobed. “Sit.” He commanded.
… And Jim complied.
Begrudgingly, but he complied.
Because he finally had a doctor he trusted.