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They’re only a short drive away from their hotel when the crowded city-linking highways open up to a spectacular roadside view of the ocean. The endless water sparkles with the reflection of the sun and cloudless sky.
Miri wriggles in her car seat to get a better view out the side window. “It’s so blue!” she says. “It’s bluer than it is back home!”
“Right?” Kazuki says from behind the steering wheel of the rental car. “The water’s a lot warmer here in Okinawa, too!”
Looking in the rearview mirror, he can see Miri’s eyes shine with excitement. “Really? Yay! I’m gonna swim in the whole wide ocean!”
Kazuki smiles, relieved this family vacation he planned has been well-received so far. A big fan of the ocean, Kazuki fancies himself as a beach bum, though in reality he has only gone a few times before. However, this is a first for both Miri and Rei. Rei had learned to swim only for missions and had never gone to a beach for leisure. Miri has only swum in indoor pools. There’s something special about being able to introduce people to the allure of the combination of sun, sand, and salt water.
“You can show us the skills you learned at the swim club back home,” Kazuki tells Miri, “but an ocean is very different from a pool. Remember to stay by Papa Rei and me the entire time, and never go in the water without us.”
Miri slumps in her car seat for a second and pouts. “Okayyyy.” But she immediately perks up again. “Do you think we’ll see a shark like the one Papa Kazuki has on his cooking apron? If we see one, can we keep it as a pet?”
She sounds a little too excited by the prospect, but before Kazuki can dash her hopes of keeping an 800-pound saltwater-dwelling hammerhead in their living room, Rei chimes in from the passenger seat.
“You don’t need to worry about sharks,” he deadpans. “If any shark attempts to harm you, it will be the last thing it ever does.”
Kazuki snorts a laugh despite his best efforts not to. He and Rei have changed for the better, just like Rei said they could, but some of Rei’s hitman reflexes have remained – they’ve just morphed into a fierce protectiveness over their family. Kazuki can’t complain about that. He’s developed his own overprotective dad instincts since Miri came into their lives.
“And you used to accuse me of being too much of a mother hen,” Kazuki retorts as he throws a smirk in Rei’s direction.
He can feel Rei side-eyeing him through his dark sunglasses. Even if his expression is hidden, he knows Rei well enough to know that he is more amused than annoyed.
Still, he’s excited to get to know Rei better. No longer assassins, they will finally have more time to learn about each other as people – not just coworkers – as they embark on this new mission of raising a child together.
He reaches over the car’s central console and takes hold of Rei’s right hand – the one he hasn’t been able to move due to the injury he sustained during the confrontation with his father (about which Kazuki doesn’t know a whole lot of details – Rei will tell him if and when he’s ready). Nevertheless, Rei seems to have grown rather fond of Kazuki’s little touches, whether it’s an arm slung over his shoulder or a pat on the back. Sometimes, Kazuki gets the feeling that Rei fears abandonment, so he likes to show him through little physical cues that he’s present and will always be in this family.
He and Rei haven’t really put a name to whatever it is they are right now, but Kazuki is content with or without a label attached to it. Rei is his partner, that much is certain. His former partner in crime, current partner in parenting, and forever partner in life.
He mutes the GPS directions in favor of popping a Brazilian bossa nova album into the car’s CD player to match the tropical vibes of their beach vacation. With the windows rolled down, he can take in the breeze and the warm, salty air from the coastline as he sings along off key even though he doesn’t speak a lick of Portuguese. With Rei by his side, hand in hand, and Miri in the back counting the palm trees they drive past, Kazuki’s heart feels full. And, for the first time in a long time, he lets himself feel that happiness.
The signs along the scenic stretch of road lead them to the parking lot of a beach Kazuki came across when researching family-friendly locations in Okinawa. It’s not every day that one’s daughter graduates from daycare, so he and Rei figured it was the perfect occasion to celebrate and surprised her with a family beach vacation. She was thrilled when he announced it the other day, and she’s been anticipating it ever since, running around and pretending to swim through the apartment.
The parking lot is surprisingly empty for a day with such perfect weather, but it is mid-morning on a weekday after all, and according to reviews, this beach is supposed to be one of the more secluded, less touristy ones.
“We’re here!” Kazuki states, ready to jump into the inviting ocean.
Miri cheers loudly from the back seat. However, before anyone can take a refreshing dip, there are approximately one hundred items he and Rei need to lug out of the car first: one cooler full of snacks and bento boxes they picked up for lunch on the way, one cooler full of water and green tea to keep them hydrated, foldable chairs, towels, an enormous umbrella that hardly fit in the trunk but was a necessity to pack for shade, a change of clothes for all three of them, a backpack with Miri’s favorite toys, an arsenal of sunscreen with high SPF, and a catalogue of other things that Internet forums told Kazuki he needed to pack for a day at the beach with a family of three.
Kazuki gives Rei’s hand one final squeeze before he lets go of his hold and gets out of the car. He’s not sure if Rei can feel it physically, but he knows he can feel it some other way.
Miri twists with excitement in her car seat until Rei undoes the seatbelt and scoops her up into his left arm. “Can I carry something?” she asks as she watches Kazuki struggle to hold an entire department store in two arms. She’s at that age where she wants to help out more, which is so precious, so Kazuki indulges her request.
“Can you carry your pail and shovel, Miri? That would be a big help.”
“Yes!”
Rei lets her down so she can grab her blue plastic pail and red shovel from the trunk while he lightens some of Kazuki’s load and slings bags over his shoulder.
They let Miri lead the way as she chants “beach time, beach time” in a singsong voice down the path.
Once they make it out of the parking lot, Kazuki can see the expanse of land and sea before them. They couldn’t have asked for a better beach day, and from the looks of it, they practically have the place to themselves.
He is caught off guard when he hears the shutter of a camera from behind. He turns around and sees Rei lower his digital camera with a sheepish smile on his face.
“…You look like such a dad” is his reasoning for taking the photo.
Kazuki’s heart melts.
“He is a dad!” Miri says matter-of-factly. “He’s my papa!”
Kazuki’s heart melts even more. Miri says it like it’s the most obvious thing in the world, like Kazuki hasn’t gone through all the mental gymnastics in the world trying to convince himself that he deserves to be a father and won’t be an absolute failure of one.
“Thank you, Rei,” Kazuki says, and he’s pretty sure Rei understands what he means by it. “You look like a dad, too.”
He’d take more time to savor this sweet family moment, but he’s encumbered with what is essentially the entire swimming goods section of a 100 yen shop hoisted onto his shoulders, so they continue down the path until Miri steps onto the beach and halts. Kazuki and Rei almost knock into her.
“Wah! This sand feels funny! It’s like mud, but not as dirty.”
She jumps one-footed, then two-footed as she tests out this new terrain, giggling the whole time. Kazuki is so glad she gets to have carefree moments like these in her childhood, and he’s happy he gets to play a part in helping her explore the world.
“Sand does feel different, doesn’t it?” Kazuki responds. He read in a parenting journal recently that it’s good to encourage a child’s inquisitiveness as they are exposed to new information. “And there’s a lot of it here. Would you like to pick out a good spot on the sand for us to set everything up?”
“I already scoped one out,” Rei states, and points to an area much like the one he designed for Miri’s Sports Day at daycare – meaning barbed wire, Do Not Enter signs, and other unnecessary items that drain the blood out of Kazuki’s face. When did he even have time to do all of this?
“It’s a miracle the police aren’t here investigating that,” he tells Rei.
The spot is quite good once Rei removes all the suspicious looking materials from it. They have more than enough space for themselves, and it’s close to the water so they have an unobstructed view of the glittering blue ocean flanked by the mountains to the east.
With the help of Miri and her shovel, Kazuki digs a hole for the umbrella and sticks it into the sand. Rei unfolds the chairs and sets out a towel with a print of that anthropomorphic vegetable cartoon for Miri underneath the umbrella. (Kazuki doesn’t really understand the appeal of that TV show, but it enthralls Miri, so that’s that.)
First thing’s first. Kazuki sits down in one of the chairs next to Rei and searches through several bags until he pulls out what he’s looking for. “Before anyone goes in the water, we gotta put on sunscreen. Nobody’s going home from this vacation with a sunburn. C'mere, Miri.”
Kazuki takes Miri’s arm and spreads sunscreen over it.
She immediately pulls her arm away. “Eww, it’s sticky. I don’t like it.”
“I know, Miri, but we have to wear it to protect ourselves. Papa Rei and I are using sunscreen, too, because it’s important.” Kazuki slathers some onto his shoulders, squeezes more into his hands, then runs his palms down the exposed skin on Rei’s chest where his hoodie is unzipped. Rei bristles under his touch as if he’s the target of an ambush.
“See?” Kazuki says. “You get used to it once it sets. Right, Rei?”
Rei looks him dead in the face and says, “It’s slimy. I hate it.”
Kazuki nearly falls to the ground in his typical dramatic fashion. “Oi, am I raising one child or two? Can you set a good example for our daughter, please?”
An annoyed Rei snatches the bottle from Kazuki and rubs more sunscreen in, though he doesn’t look very pleased in the process.
Once their sunscreen has had time to set and they’re all protected from the sun’s UV rays, and once Miri’s floaties are securely fastened to her arms, Miri grabs Kazuki’s hand and pulls him towards the ocean. “Come on, let’s go in the water! Papa Rei, you too!”
Rei grunts, hunched up in his chair under the umbrella like a gargoyle, perfectly positioned so no sun touches him at all. He really is an indoors kind of guy.
“I bought you new swim trunks for this occasion!” Kazuki says. “It’ll be fun. Here, I’ll help ease you in.”
“What are you –”
Before Rei can finish his sentence, Kazuki lifts him off his chair into a bridal carry.
“H-hey!”
If Rei wanted to fight back, he would. Instead, he throws an arm around Kazuki’s neck and lets him carry him all the way into the ocean with Miri laughing in tow. The water is perfectly clear, shallow, calm, and pleasantly warm around Kazuki’s ankles. Perfect for a family beach day. He continues further until he’s waist-deep, and now Rei is clawing onto him like a cat.
“It’s just water, Rei. It feels nice. Look.” He dips Rei’s legs into the water, and maybe it wasn’t such a great idea to do this to a former assassin, because within a second, Rei somehow climbs onto Kazuki’s back and pushes him down into the ocean with a whole lot of strength. Kazuki resurfaces, shaking saltwater out of his hair, and looks up at Rei standing in the water, laughing.
It’s such a cute laugh that Kazuki forgets about getting revenge and just watches him while Miri stands at the edge of the water laughing along with him.
“You’re not getting away with that,” he says, and pulls Rei down into the shallow water with him until he’s pinning him down to the sandy floor. A second later, Rei is jumping back into Kazuki’s arms and looking down into the water like the ocean is going to swallow him whole.
“What is that stuff?” Rei asks, horrified.
Kazuki follows his line of vision down to the ocean floor. “You mean seaweed? Yes, it’s commonly found in the sea, hence the name.”
Rei gives him a look and splashes him with water. Kazuki falls to his knees with laughter, still holding on to Rei, and now all three of them are cracking up.
Something passes between Kazuki and Rei in that moment, holding onto each other in the water and smiling. Neither of them voices it, but Kazuki can sense that they both are aware of it.
And then dread sets in knowing that he just set a terrible example for his daughter.
“Miri!” Kazuki helps Rei up and then walks back to the coast. “This is very important. Do not wrestle with anyone in any body of water, okay? It’s dangerous. Papa Rei and I only did that because we’re adults and we’ve been swimming for many years. But promise me you won’t ever push someone into the water like that.”
“It was funny,” Miri says, still laughing.
Oh god, Kazuki thinks. She’s going to have such an odd sense of humor when she grows up.
“Promise us, Miri,” Rei echoes. “And just so we’re clear, Papa Kazuki instigated that.”
Kazuki would argue, but Rei has a point.
Miri promises. “Can I go in the water now?”
Rei reaches down to her. “Take my hand and we’ll walk in together.”
Kazuki stands in the water and watches Miri step into a proper ocean for the first time. Her face lights up, and she kicks up water and splashes around a bit to test it out.
“The water is warm!” She points to a spot close to Kazuki. “I see a fish! And the seaweed that Papa Rei doesn’t like!”
Kazuki watches a little minnow swim past him. “Yep, there’s a lot to see in the ocean. Want to try swimming in it?”
“Yes!”
Rei holds her hand and walks with her, slowly, further into the water until her floaties buoy her off the ground. Kazuki takes hold of her and helps guide her through the water.
“Kick your legs like they taught you at the swim club,” he says. “You’re doing great!”
“It’s like a big bathtub,” Miri says, and then sticks her face in the water. She spits when she lifts her head back up. “It tastes weird! It’s like Papa Rei’s cooking when he adds too much salt.”
Rei makes an offended sound.
“Salt water is very different from fresh water,” Kazuki says. “You know, Miri, this is also the first time Papa Rei gets to swim in the ocean for fun,” he adds.
“Really?” Miri swims over to Rei as fast as her little legs will take her, focusing with all her might on the proper form. “Papa Rei, are you having fun?”
Rei pats her on the head. “Yeah. It’s fun being here with you and Papa Kazuki.”
Miri smiles wide and hugs Rei. An idea seems to strike her, and she claps both hands over her head and starts treading water around Rei.
“Look, papas! I’m a shark!” She chomps her teeth and continues to circle Rei, giggling mischievously the entire time.
What is it with her and sharks? Kazuki wonders. Is this her new main interest? He’s glad he planned a visit up the coast to the Churaumi Aquarium while they’re in town so Miri can entertain her shark fascination (albeit in a contained environment where she can admire sharks from behind very thick glass).
Kazuki is pretty sure he could spend all day in the ocean, and he’s thrilled to see that Miri wholeheartedly loves the ocean as much as he does. She spends her time splashing around, looking for sea creatures, learning from Rei how to swim against a current, riding on Kazuki’s back pretending he’s a dolphin, and engaging in a plethora of other maritime activities. It’s not until Kazuki sees her pruney fingers that he realizes they’ve been in the water for quite some time.
“Alright, Miri. Let’s go back to the shore so we can eat some lunch.”
“But I wanna stay in the ocean,” she asserts.
“Miri,” Rei says. “Even sharks need to eat. Let’s have lunch.” He scoops her up into his left arm without an argument.
Kazuki isn’t sure how that logic worked on her, but he’s just happy it did.
Back on the sand, Rei grabs a towel to dry Miri off while Kazuki takes their lunch bentos out of the cooler.
“We’re having local Okinawan specialties today,” he announces. He places one bento on the towel in front of Miri and one on Rei’s lap once he moves his chair so they’re all sitting in a circle. Each bento is rich with bitter melon stir-fry, sea grapes, baked purple sweet potato, and fried black sugar doughnuts. Kazuki has never tried Okinawan cuisine, but he’s been looking forward to it.
Miri and Rei pick up a slice of the ridged green fruit and ask “What is this?” in unison.
“Bitter melon,” Kazuki answers, and takes a bite. Not bad. “It’s good for you. Has lots of Vitamin C.”
Miri and Rei pop one into their mouths, and Kazuki has a hard time believing they don’t actually share genes because they make the exact same face of disgust.
“That’s not melon,” Miri cries. “It’s not sweet.”
“It is a type of melon,” Kazuki affirms. “Just not the sweet kind we normally have at home.”
Rei picks out several bitter melon slices from his stir-fry and puts them into Miri’s bento. “You can have mine.”
“Rei! Eat something healthy for once!”
A curious seagull wanders over to them and crooks his head to look inside Miri’s bento.
“Hi, Mr. Seagull,” she greets. “Are you hungry?” To Kazuki’s horror, she holds a piece of bitter melon out to the bird.
“No! Miri, don’t –”
It’s too late. One seagull multiplies into one thousand as gulls come from seemingly out of nowhere to descend upon Miri and jockey for food. The cacophony of squawking is so loud that Kazuki is sure Karin can hear them all the way in Paris.
Miri seems downright delighted by these new animal friends, but not a second later, Rei tumbles across the sand with impeccable precision to bodily shield her.
“Get away from my daughter.” Rei fixes the birds with the most threatening glare Kazuki has ever seen. It would give him chills if it wasn’t for the humorous tableau of Rei fighting off a flock of harmless seagulls.
Miri’s laugh rings out over the screeching and feathers flying. “Papa Rei is like a cat scaring away birds!” she says with joy.
Lunch certainly energizes Miri, and as soon as she tosses her trash in the garbage bag Kazuki brought, she’s ready for the next beach activity of building sandcastles.
She unzips her backpack and takes out four toys: a ninja action figure she calls Papa Rei, a blonde Chef Barbie whose hair she cut short to represent Kazuki, a Lego child meant to be her, and a small rubber cat that’s supposed to symbolize their future pet (Rei got it for her, obviously).
“I’m building a castle for our doll family,” Miri says as she flattens out a section of the sand to build on.
“Oh? Is that because you want to live in a castle when you grow up?” Kazuki inquires.
Miri pauses to think. “Mmm…not really.” She starts to shovel sand into her pail. “Castles are too big. If we lived in a castle, we wouldn’t see each other as much. I like when the three of us are close together!”
Rei pats her on the head. “Me too.”
Kazuki feels himself getting emotional.
Miri quickly flips her full pail upside down, then very slowly lifts it to reveal a simple sand structure that perfectly holds its shape. She cheers for a job well done.
“The door goes here…and the windows go here…”
“What is the blueprint of the interior?” Rei asks, and Kazuki has to laugh at that.
"What's a blueprint?"
"What kinds of rooms the castle has," Rei explains.
Miri takes the question seriously. “There’s a kitchen so Papa Rei and Papa Kazuki can cook French toast, and a mini house for the pet kitty, and a bedroom where we all sleep, and a big TV so we can play video games.”
“What about a moat to keep unwanted visitors away?” Rei asks.
Kazuki makes a garbled noise.
Miri looks up at Rei with confusion. “What’s a moat?”
“A ring of water that surrounds a castle.” Rei traces a circle in the sand around the pail-shaped structure. “It would go here.”
Miri inspects it, then brightens. “Could we keep pet sharks in the moat?”
“Yes.”
“No!”
They spend the rest of the day rotating between the sea and the sand. One minute, Miri is running up and down the coast flapping her arms like a seagull, and the next she’s collecting seashells at low tide. The beach doesn’t seem to be Rei’s favorite place, but he assures Kazuki that he’s fine, even if he passes the better part of the afternoon under the umbrella playing games on his phone. Kazuki gets the impression that Rei is just happy they’re doing something together as a family after all the turmoil they’ve been through, and truthfully, Kazuki feels the same.
“I love the beach! I love my papas!” Miri sings back on dry land, lying on her stomach on her towel and happily arranging seashells she found in the sand. “I love the beach! I love my papas! I love…I lo…” With a big yawn, she pillows her head on her forearms and falls asleep.
It’s then that Kazuki realizes he has lost track of time, and the sun is already starting to set. He wonders how many hours they’ve actually spent there and supposes the old adage is true: time flies when you’re having fun.
He reconfigures the umbrella so it fully shades Miri from the late afternoon sun while Rei places an extra towel over her like a makeshift blanket. She looks so at ease taking a nap. He hopes she can always sleep this peacefully without worry.
“I’m kinda beat, too,” Kazuki says, reclining back in his folding chair. “There’s something about spending a day in the sun and the water and the breeze that just makes you pleasantly sleepy.”
Rei makes a noise of agreement from the chair beside him.
Kazuki closes his eyes and enjoys the sound of the water steadily lapping the shore for several minutes until Rei breaks the silence with a question.
“You want to move here, don’t you?”
Kazuki’s eyes shoot open. “Hah!?” He checks to make sure Miri is still asleep. They haven’t really brought up the subject of moving cities to her just yet. Neither of them knows how to broach the topic. It breaks their hearts that they’re going to be the cause of yet another huge life change for her. In truth, they probably should have moved out of town immediately after the showdown with Rei’s father, but they didn’t want to pull Miri out of the daycare she loved with the friends she loved.
Her world has been turned upside down far too many times for someone of such a young age, but it’s not safe to stay put with the Suwa organization still in operation and very much aware of the location of their apartment in Fukuoka.
“I swear I didn’t have ulterior motives when I picked Okinawa as a vacation destination, if that’s what you’re thinking,” Kazuki answers truthfully. “Honestly, I thought it would be a nice setting to unwind a little before we have to figure out…” He gestures to nothing in particular, unable to find the right words. “All of this. It’s been a wild year.”
He watches the ocean stretch out to the horizon and contemplates how they ended up this lucky – the three of them on a happy vacation together, as a family, after so nearly losing each other. Now that they’ve found peace, he could definitely see himself living in a place like this, taking Miri to the ocean on the weekends, watching the waves roll in and out.
He doesn’t want this to be a one-way decision, though, so he turns the question on Rei. “What do you think? We do need to figure out where to move soon.” He reads the hesitation on Rei’s face. “I know you’re not really an outdoorsy guy, so it doesn’t have to be here.”
“That’s not it,” Rei says, and looks down at the sand with a melancholy expression. “No matter where I move, the Suwa name will follow me like a curse.”
“Then take my name,” Kazuki says without really thinking through it. It’s the first solution that pops into his head, and it seems like a pretty logical option. “Kurusu Rei. I think it has a nice ring to it.”
Rei whips his head back to Kazuki, looking at him in disbelief as if he just transformed into a seaweed monster. Rei clearly wants to say something but won’t say it outright. Then his eyes go unfocused somewhere out towards the ocean.
After a stretch of silence, he says, “Kurusu…Rei…” and bites his lip.
Only then does Kazuki realize the depth of his spontaneous suggestion. Oh.
“Think about it,” he says, trying to push down the funny feeling that begins to spread through his chest. “You don’t have to decide right now.”
But Rei clearly isn’t finished with this conversation, so he asks a new question. “You’re okay with leaving everything behind and moving somewhere else?”
“Yeah,” Kazuki answers with honesty. “I mean, I’m not leaving everything behind. I’m still going to be in the group chat with the moms from Aozora Daycare. I’ll keep up with Kyu-chan.”
Yes, he made some good memories in Fukuoka. He thinks about Yuzuko. But like Karin told him, memories are not a prison. He can keep the good ones in his heart and take them wherever he goes. “I can call anywhere home as long as the three of us are together.”
“…You still want to be in a family with me?”
And now Kazuki understands why Rei is asking all these questions: he’s doubting himself. Doubting that Kazuki wants to stay with him, doubting that he would make a good father and good coparent, doubting the ability to escape his name. It’s not often that he openly shows such vulnerability, but Kazuki will take the opportunity to quell any remaining fears.
“How could you even question that?” he says with a smile. “I showed you my top-secret French toast recipe. I bought you swim trunks for family vacations. We have a daughter together. In case you haven’t figured it out yet, I’m in this for the long haul.” Rei clearly needs more reassurance. Kazuki takes his hand. “I’m not going anywhere. I can pinky promise you that.” He kisses the knuckles of the hand Rei can no longer move.
Rei doesn’t say anything back. Just smiles softly. And darn it, Kazuki sees color on his cheeks even though he swore no one would go home from this vacation with a sunburn.
“You’re looking a little red.” He brushes a thumb across Rei’s cheek. The skin seems to turn an even darker shade under his touch. “Did you reapply sunscreen like I told you to?”
“…Yeah.”
“Maybe the sun’s gotten to you.”
“…Maybe.”
They watch the sky become a mix of pinks and oranges until it softens into a hazy blue.
Miri sleeps the whole car ride back to the hotel.
Kazuki can relate. He always sleeps well after a long day at the beach. He unlocks the door to the hotel room and quietly moves all of their beach gear inside before joining Rei in putting Miri to bed, gently tucking her under the covers. They’ll have to talk with her about moving cities sooner rather than later, but for now, they want her to enjoy this restful moment in the kind of family vacation they never got to have in their childhoods.
“Thank you,” comes a whispered voice from behind him.
Puzzled, he turns around and finds Rei fixing him with a tender expression, clear and unshadowed.
“For what?” Kazuki asks.
“For showing me what it’s like to be a part of a family.”
Kazuki takes a good look at Rei, tips of his hair curling from the drying salt water and blue eyes laid bare with honesty, speaking softly so as not to wake their daughter. This man who was once completely closed off has let all his walls down for Kazuki and Miri. For the family he holds dear.
Kazuki walks up to Rei and puts a comforting hand on his shoulder. “You showed me that, too,” he replies. “We’ll do plenty of fun things like this from now on. Think of things you’ve always wanted to do as part of a family. We’ll do all of them.”
Rei nods. Kazuki can see the smile in his eyes.
They make their way to the balcony attached to the hotel room and lean on the railing, shoulders pressed together in the mild night air. Kazuki looks at the outline of apartments and glowing storefronts in their view and envisions endless possibilities for this new chapter in their lives.
No matter what city they move to, no matter what their living space looks like – as long as their family of three is together, they’re home.