Chapter Text
Healing hasn’t been linear for him for a long time. He knows this. He knows this with how he stretches in the morning for 20 minutes because he hurt himself in Snezhnaya and has to place cooling balm on old aches and pains on his back and wrists and heels everyday.
He takes his cool morning baths on good feeling days and burns under the torrents of hot steaming lava like water under days he wants to feel punished.
That is just the way it is sometimes and he feels that despite it being his birthday… the day he ended his beautiful father’s life… his best friend and companion… for some reason today he feels a little more forgiving towards himself.
At first, Diluc just gasps as he sluggishly rolls out of bed and stares at the dreaded calendar on the wall. An ugly mark of X always marks the day he chooses to never celebrate. Much to his chagrin his little brother Kaeya never relents in trying to spend the day with him and neither does Elzer nor Adelinde nor anyone in the stupid town of Mondstadt ever get the memo.
He’ll receive batches of cookies and slices of cakes. Little knick knacks that he does end up usually donating back to the orphanage. They are always crammed into his mailbox at the mail office in the city and the one at his doorstep. He’ll even find them on the counters of his tavern.
He sighs. The amount of paper cuts he usually gets on his birthday is also criminal as he fights to open each envelope and write a letter back to thank them.
He really does thank them in his heart. HE really DOES.
It’s just… he doesn’t deserve these gifts. He is a murderer. He killed his one and only father on the day of his birth. Can’t people see that? And he also killed Kaeya’s father that night too.
He killed Elzer’s greatest friend and boss. HE killed Adelinde’s wonderful companion and he did notice that Adelinde and his papa had started going out a little before his horrible day. She never talks about it. But he can’t help but feel responsible for it all. Like why she is still alone…
He frowns.
Sometimes he’s even sure Adelinde stays working for him because she feels like she owes Diluc. Same for everyone in his estate. And he wishes for the pity or whatever this is to stop. He’s asked them time and time again if they are really happy working under someone like him? Someone who only knew how to be a knight captain, hitting and destroying monsters?
They always smile back at him and reassure him with light feathery touches on his shoulders and such warm, warm smiles, that he is in fact their best boss. And that they would follow his lead till the end of time.
Such devotion… such admiration… It makes him sick sometimes. But he smiles through it and works and does his best to make the business his father built, from brick to brick, to thrive and reach the many corners of Teyvat.
In a way he has tied himself to this job… this career he knew he didn’t exactly want to do. He read the will. This business was supposed to go to both of them. To Kaeya and him. He never shared that tidbit, although he is sure that Kaeya probably knows about this.
Kaeya read the will, too, at some point in his absence. Since Kaeya rejected it all the rights. He sighs.
It’s a tumultuous morning with how the cold air and the gray rain clouds are starting to press themselves against the sky. He sighs and closes his thick curtains together. Again he gets into his slippers and takes a shower. However, he’s feeling a little more forgiving today. He thinks that maybe he hates himself a little less.
Business is flowing and going great. He kicked like a bunch of Treasure hoarder asses and closed down a big business of counterfeit goods they had going on for a few months. This happened just a few days ago with the help of Jean, Lisa, and of course, Kaeya.
He decimated three lector filled villages hidden up north and one to the south. Near the border of Liyue. Whatever their scheming, he put it to a good stop. At least, for now.
And best of all, today all his aches and pains are not really prevalent. He’s feeling okay. It kind of perks up his mood as he turns on the faucet of the bath and puts it to mild heat.
The water of sweet kindness washes over every curve and he lathers his hair with a new spiced shampoo Kaeya sent to him from Sumeru. He still wonders why Kaeya went to Sumeru. He said it was for official business but he checked in with Jean and Jean said, “Well, you know Kaeya works hard.”
At this, Diluc just gave her a deadpan expression as she giggled with her spiced hot coffee in her hands while she visited Diluc at the tavern. This was a rare day off and she sought out to talk with an old friend. And Diluc didn’t mind this.
He kinda misses talking to her too. Plus, Lisa doesn’t come down as much so it’s a little more of a relaxing time to catch up with Jean. One on one.
“Really, now?” He works on cleaning the counter like always. Meticulous to the T.
Jean smiles softly as she sips more of her coffee.
“He does. I know he makes it look and sound like he doesn’t do much. Again this is just a veil to mirror and have others look the other way. He actually works just as hard as me… this would you know.”
He does know. It kinda pisses him off sometimes how diligent Kaeya is with covering his tracks and he does end up getting work done in the underground of the town where no light nor goodness shines. He also works where there is light and inspires his knights to be better. Even if most of them are truly incompetent. Without a lick of talent.
He sighs.
“I know,” he admits.
“So I offered him a vacation as he’d been looking a little beat down. And he said he’d go to Sumeru! He said he’d been wanting to go for ages. To try out different drinks. He said he could go to learn their customs since we do get a lot of dignitaries coming usually to Mondstadt. There is more poverty in Sumeru and they admire our system of giving to the poor and making sure everything is clean and working smoothly in our city and the branching towns.”
“Really?” This is news to him. Jean nods enthusiastically as her eyes light up. Oh boy. He’s got her on a roll now.
“Uh-huh! So their higher ups and their version of the knights come by and we do try to work with them to create new methods and groups that they can bring back home. We make plans that focus and focalize on cleaning up their city, making sure the elderly and the needy get their food, and to have clean water and enough clothes and basic necessities for each small rural village. IT’s a lot of work. But we always do love when we can find some solution. Especially if it ends up helping them out and reaching out for many poor people! They often don’t like our more uh… bland foods and drinks.” She smiles. “So I can understand why Kaeya went on his TIME off, moreover. To even try to help us. If we can make our esteemed guests enjoy their meals during their stay, then all the better for us to keep coming back for our help.”
Diluc nods as he makes himself a sparkling grape splash. He sighs. Now he knows where that strange batch of spices came from. HE just saw Elzer dragging it up to the warehouse saying it was from a “donor” who loves the Dawn Winery.
It had Kaeya’s name written all over it and he was pretty much 99% sure it was from him. Jean added that 1%. 100% Kaeya. Dammit. He owes him now. Probably. In some way that will probably just mean him dragging Kaeya’s ass back to his apartment when he’s shit faced drunk.
“So where is Kaeya now? I haven’t seen him in a week or two.”
Jean said cautiously as a blonde ashen eyebrow lifts… “He’s here in the town, if you’re asking. Strange. He should have ran into you by now. He’s still on vacation though as he then asked for a really long one. He had a lot of off days tallied up. So I just decided to give it to him. So that’s strange… is he… avoiding you for some reason?”
She kinda has an expression of having bitten into something sour as she looks Diluc over. Studying him. Diluc is just as confused. He doesn’t think… he pissed Kaeya off recently. They’ve been getting along better. Much better.
To move the moment along he just awkwardly shuffled to the kitchen to get a few real grapes to smash into a mortar pestle and added that to his drink.
“Well, I’ll see him when I see him, I suppose. And no. We haven’t fought. At least, I don’t… think so,” he finished quite unsure.
“Ah you two,” she just murmurs as she finishes off her drink and orders for another one.
“Another please!” She enjoys showing her playful side. Especially since it’s Diluc.
He caters to her with a warm smile.
“Alright. Coming right up,” he says as he closes his eyes and foams the whip cream for her drink in a tumblr.
Their conversation moved on to a plethora of things and Diluc thinks that was still a wonderful day. Though it still did bother him that he hasn’t run into Kaeya since.
Diluc thinks on this as he turns off the shower and dries himself off with his new towel that Adelinde bought for him.
IT is strange. He had this chat with Jean two weeks ago. He’s been brewing new drinks with the spices too and so far he’s made about 7 new kinds of drinks. He wonders where his brother has been lying low on? Mostly, he wonders WHY.
He kind of then expects Kaeya to drop along a line sometime today. IT is his birthday, after all. And for all the years of incessant pestering, he doesn’t think Kaeya will stop doing that today out of all days.
And so the day goes on with a beautiful breakfast that he always kind of rejects but he can see the pleading in Adelinde’s and the other maid’s eyes, Hillie and Moco, as he looks at his towering whipped cream sandwiched pancakes with banana slices, sunsettia sauce, and he spies some grapes thrown in between them. The plate just leaks from the sheer amount of sweetness they’ve piled onto it. And he just looks at them like, really?
He kinda hates it… but he hates to admit it that he does have a sweet tooth. He also likes his coffee black. And all his clothing black too. But that’s not correlative.
Diluc eats the whole damn thing… just for the grapes. He sees their contented sighs and smiles and he hums. He finishes while placing the fork and knife together neatly on the upper side of the plate. He cleans his mouth with a few gentlemanly dabs and looks at their smiling faces.
“I love it. Thank you Hillie, Moco, Addie… I mean Adelinde, for making such a wonderful breakfast for me.”
And he thought he was done as he motioned to get up to only see them bring omelets and salads and a little Pile em up as they get placed down on the table before him.
And he sighs. Good thing he’s hungry. He’s got a lot of work to do as he rolls up his sleeves and winks at the battle of consumption before him. He won’t let any of their work go to waste and so if he spends another 30 minutes to lick everything clean does he do so.
Afterwards, he chills with a teacup in his hand and looks over ledgers and things to do with Elzer. Elzer seems very giddy handing over a wrapped present to him. Diluc smiles. He will never truly reject anything Elzer gives him. He has always loved his gifts ever since he was a kid.
Kaeya sometimes would throw a tantrum because Elzer would just get it and get Diluc something he actually likes. He smiles fondly at the memory. Diluc whistles as he unwrapped the present to see sculpted stone… is this cor lapis…. chess pieces. Diluc is already brimming with affection and sparkles as he sees Elzer leave the room and come with a wrapped square shape tucked underneath his arms.
“You did not!”
HE already gasps like a child as he grabs for it and rips the paper to shreds. Elzer chuckles into his gloves as he always admires seeing the little bits of Diluc from the past resurface. In his eyes, Diluc will always have that small innocence flair… even if it is wrapped up with indifference, anger, overpowering politeness, and commanding power.
Diluc’s eyebrows twitch because this is the prettiest chessboard he’s ever seen. He might have let out an indignant squeal of joy before coughing that away. He straightens himself once he’s realized he might have lost it… JUST LIKE A CHILD DOES on Barbatosmas. He still smiles even if he eyes Elzer’s small snickering.
“You really get me, Elzer. You always have. I absolutely love it and you will not breathe a word of this to Adelinde on ANY squeak or rather strange sound that may or may have not come out of me. Or. OR I will make your life hell,” Diluc says with an eloquence and soft smile to his face.
The vein popping from his forehead means it. And Elzer just slaps his knee and laughs.
“I won’t! I won’t! It’ll be our secret, young Master,” Elzer chuckles and so they both have a round or two of chess, instead of doing papers. It’s Diluc’s birthday after all. Whatever he wants, goes.
Diluc doesn’t know that Adelinde and Elzer and Connor and Tunner already did most of the work for Diluc today. That is also their secret.
The rest of the day rolls along with the cloudy sky overhead.
Diluc finds the slight chill to the air very fitting. He wouldn’t want the sky to be baby blue nor happy. Because today is still the anniversary of his father’s death. This time… he asks the staff to come along with him to his father’s grave. And they’re all shocked into silence. Their master has always gone alone.
Has their master slightly healed, they internally ask? Still, quick as lightning bugs they gather their outdoor wear and put on their shoes and capes. Diluc is surprised they all had flowers up and ready as he came down the stairs.
It brings him a smile to his face that they all had been planning on visiting his father’s grave later on without him. Or after he had gone. They were very considerate persons, after all. And so he was happy. They went in a carriage that Conner took and everyone loaded into the two carriages. They were off on the dirty road without much haste.
He hummed as Adelinde knitted some socks. He wonders who it's for.
She looks at him and says, “Not for you.”
He sighs.
“Let me guess?”
“You’ll get it wrong,” she smiles sweetly. And he thinks… if it is someone he’ll get it wrong for… initially… then it has to be the last person he’d take a gander for.
“Kaeya?”
And she stills as she laughs, “Oh? You got it.”
Diluc smiles as he asks, “What for?”
Adelinde just continues knitting, “We send each other letters sometimes. He’s been…” then she hushes as she ponders something over. She works her jaw, as Diluc just patiently sits.
“I suppose you didn’t hear it from me, but he’s been a little down,” she starts.
Diluc tilts his head.
“Down?”
Adelinde nods. “Some things haven’t been going as great in his department. It happens from time to time. He mostly complains to me about it because he knows he has a good crying board in me. I suppose, he just… still finds it hard to sometimes fit in.”
At this, Diluc is kind of upset.
He has to think for a bit.
Kaeya’s gotten drunk a couple more times lately in the past few months. But nothing to warrant any worry or concern. Should he be concerned? And he hasn’t heard a peep about this from the man.
He crosses his arms as the carriage hits a knick and they all kind of jump and hit their butts with a thump. Diluc scowls as he hears an apology from Connor who is at the front of the carriage.
“Sorry! Bump on the road,” he hollars.
Diluc just murmurs, “It’s fine.”
He turns back to Adelinde. “I haven’t heard this… do you mind… me asking…”
“No, it’s kind of private.”
“But I’m his… I’m his,” the words falter because he does have the papers to mend the break in their relationship in his safe. A paper and testament that he’s already signed for. He only needs to bring it to Kaeya and then Kaeya can sign it too and become Kaeya Ragnvindr again.
He will admit he’s been… delaying that conversation… but only because… he may be a coward on that front. Diluc knows he’ll charge through any battle field first, lighting the dawn, a beacon and a guide for those who will charge behind him.
And yet, in this… these little things… he’ll stall on. He sighs through his nose in frustration.
“Please,” he still finds himself asking, much to his surprise. And he even used his whining and whimpering voice. “Tell me?”
Adelinde just blinks at him as he finds his ears reddening. Curse his skin for showing every bit of color he feels when he flushes. She sighs as she says in a quiet tone, putting her knitting cables down, “Well, Kaeya’s the only one left in his command. As you are already aware. Everyone went with Grand Master Varka.”
He nods. He knows.
“He helps out to command in other squads as an assistant captain and well… Everyone under Kaeya’s command loves him to bits. You know this. However…” Adelinde looks away as she has tremendous hurt in her eyes. This worries Diluc immediately.
“What?” His voice is an octave lower as he looks dead serious now. Kaeya can’t… be in trouble now? Could he?
“Well, you remember when sir Kaeya first came to us? He looks very different from a normal Mondstadter and you were always beating up every kid who dared even breathe a word of pettiness towards your little brother.”
Diluc nods. He doesn’t regret that. Even if it did have his father Crepus sort of payout some hush money on those that chose to sue him. He feels a tinge of bad for making his dad go through that. But Kaeya was littler than him. Someone who had gone through immense troubles before arriving at their doorstep. He didn’t want people to mistreat Kaeya. Just because of the color of his skin or the sound of his accent.
Diluc sours, “What does that… have to do with this?” And then it hits him…
“You don’t mean… that it still happens sometimes? Kaeya’s lived here like all his life! Everyone knows how hard working he is.”
Diluc is slightly livid as Adelinde just agrees with him.
She says, “Well, in the letters sometimes… he’ll admit that he’s sad because sometimes the other ones he commands over… the units he’s helping out in will have a few rotten apples who comment on how lazy he is, or untrustworthy he is for Varka to have taken all his team and the horses…”
“That’s… NOT true,” he interrupts.
She nods, “I know. I know. And yet some of his knights do make these brazen comments to him. They also talk about his outfit and that he’s a promiscuous “call girl”... and other very uncouth things. Kaeya says he doesn’t let it get to him. But sometimes they’ll tell him… that this was why he was thrown out of our household… for being sly, tricky, too different from us.”
Diluc is mute and the anger must show on his face as Adelinde slows down. She looks very sad.
“And they’ll attack his features and the way he does things on the battlefield. Kaeya has told me it doesn’t happen very much. However, it does happen from time to time and he’s always upset that… quote on quote, ‘No matter how hard I work or stay in this town… they still won’t all believe or trust in me.’”
Something at this makes Diluc break because… he can see that very same phrase being directed straight at him. He can imagine Kaeya telling him that now and he’d feel it because it’s true. Deep down he doesn’t trust Kaeya… and deep down he can’t believe in all his words.
‘Kaeya? You can only trust half the words he says at best,’ he once told the traveler and Paimon. And he slightly regrets that now. Because… because even if you can’t trust what Kaeya says, you can always trust his actions.
Kaeya is honest… even if he goes about things in an odd way at times. That is just the way his brother behaves. Has always been. An enigma… but their strange enigma. Theirs.
“Thank you for telling me this, Adelinde,” he reaches over for her knuckles as he smoothes a thumb over them. She smiles at him.
“It is no problem, Diluc. I believe… he could use… two sounding boards as he really misses… talking so openly with you. He really does… even if he may not show it.”
Diluc takes that in and appreciates the honesty. Then they quiet as he hears and sees the birds chirping the closer they get to the city. And so the carriages are set to the side as they each hop off. Time to go and face the music of the cemetery which is just silence.
They went up in solitude, step by step, as each staff member wore black and exuded an aura of reservation. Many people perked up as soon as they saw Diluc out in the streets. But once they saw his party decked in black, their eyes recognized exactly where Diluc and company were going.
They opted to not wave to him or tell him happy birthday. But Diluc did hear a few condolences as he trekked up the steps. He’s happy they remember his father. He wouldn’t want his brightest star to ever fade. His father was absolutely the best man he could have ever known. He only wished… his father had confided with him his concerns over their safety… so that the delusion was never introduced into their household.
Diluc is surprised to see that many bouquets of brightly lit flowers were already placed at his father’s tombstone. The tomb was also cleaned recently as the luster of the rock shined.
He spied some calla lilies and a lampgrass bouquet there too and he saw the script from the sender. It simply said, “Forever love you, K.”
Diluc watches the rest shuffle forward in tranquility and peace as they place in tentative silence the flowers each brought down the tombstone. He hears soft weeping and crying.
Diluc bends down and places his flower right next to Kaeya’s. He watches as he sees Hillie place some candles down and struggle to light the flint. He smiles as he just snaps his fingers and sees in surprise all 3 candle wicks light up like magic. Moco ‘ooh’s’ and ‘ahh’s’ as he just blushes a little bit.
That’s nothing to be surprised about, really. Then again, elemental usage is a lot like magic. Who could think that a simple human being can use such power of the gods?
They all pray for a while as each one huddles a little away to allow some ample privacy to each person who chooses a little speech or a monologue with their late Master Crepus. Diluc opts to go last as he walks up and sees Adelinde tearfully back away as she blows into her handkerchief. He hears an , “And we still miss you,” before she walks past him. She offers him a small squeeze on the arm as she passes by. She goes and embraces Elzer for a few seconds.
Diluc never was here… with the staff. He has always come alone. Save the few times he also tripped and ran into Kaeya here… who also came to offer the same condolences. But those two times they did run into each other… they just sat in silence and left in silence.
Thus to share grief together… as a family… as a unit… with a real shoulder to lean on was so surreal to him. And at that moment he might have broken down. But instead of jeers, he only got Connor and Tunner coming over to hug him instead. He… just wept and hugged them tightly back.
Soon he was covered with the arms of everyone in his household. Bruce had gone on vacation to visit his ill mother up in Qingque Village. So only he was missing from the bunch. Still, Diluc just lived in the warm embraces of everyone as he heard them all say such soothing things to him.
That it’s alright to let it out. That it’s okay. That he is loved and he just… let years and years of grief tumble out in hoarse cries and shrieks as every brick he held onto crumbled down. He felt like dying. He felt as if he were drowning underwater as he fell on his knees and they all bent down to him to hold onto him.
And after the pain was released, he felt so much lighter. Like he could breathe. Like there was finally air in his life. And if the weather was listening to him, streaks of warm bright light fell in horizontals on the cobblestone before him. They even shined a few rays on his father’s tomb.
Diluc just felt the sweet air smell and filled with the scent of sunsettia and anemo seeds. He felt the breeze carry his tears away as they caressed his red and wet cheeks. His bangs swayed as he felt… felt… real and raw and… that he was in a safe place in the world.
HE thanked them all and rubbed his eyes till they burned. He laughed when Moco offered him a clean hankerchief to see that it said, “I love apples.” She blushed.
“You sure you want me to blow in this?”
“It’s fine,” she meekly blushes out. And he would send that to the dry cleaners for sure.
And so as they left, Diluc walked away without that lingering heaviness of remorse, sadness, and guilt in his steps. For the first time in all this time that his father passed away… he felt free.
He was bright and filled with renewed light.
A few anemo seeds tumbled across the pathway as they made it to the entrance of the Cathedral and in the tilt of the light it looked like snowflakes passing on by.
The streak of sun made the horizon look absolutely breathtaking as fluttering anemo seeds sparkled like dewy snowflakes. Diluc smiled as he thanked Barbatos for making this moment even more special as they made their way down the steps to finally go back home.