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Gillion was confused and a little concerned.
He had checked everywhere on the ship and Chip was nowhere to be seen. Which was concerning considering they’d left port yesterday and Chip was definitely on board then.
He’d tried asking the crew members. All of them said they hadn’t seen Chip since that morning.
Gill was about to call a crew meeting to tell them that Chip had fallen overboard when Ollie approached him.
“Uh… Gill?” The small boy they kept on the ship tapped on Gillion’s arm. “Are you looking for Chip?”
“Yeah, did you see him fall overboard?” Gill replied, scanning the horizon for any sign of his co-captain. Ollie shook his head.
“No, he’s up in the crow’s nest.” Ollie pointed at the top of the main mast. “I saw him climb up there earlier.”
“Ah, thank you, Ollie.” Gill patted the half-elf’s messy hair. “I really didn’t want to have to swim back to rescue him.”
Ollie giggled. “He would have screamed if he fell off.”
“I’ll keep that in mind,” Gillion replied, climbing onto a crate (or was it a barrel? He still didn’t know the difference) to boost himself onto the rigging. The mast swayed slightly and Gill tightened his grip on the ropes.
After a less-than-ideal scramble up the mast, Gill hauled himself through the trapdoor at the bottom of the crow’s nest. He laid on his back and stared up at the clear sky as he caught his breath.
“Hey.” Chip’s head popped into view. “Fancy meeting you here.”
“Hey,” Gillion echoed, pushing himself upright. “Watcha doing up here?”
“Just… thinking.” Chip resumed his previous position, leaning his back against the side of the crow’s nest with his legs pulled up to his chest.
“About what?” Gill asked, sitting cross-legged with his tail across his lap. Chip let out a heavy sigh and shrugged.
“Stuff.”
“What kind of stuff?” Gill pushed.
“Stuff I don’t like.” Chip let his head fall back against the wall with another sigh. “It’s none of your business anyway.”
Gillion cocked his head. This was a side of Chip he’d never seen before. For once, the man looked… vulnerable . If his red eyes were any indication, he’d been crying too.
“You can talk about it if you want.” Gill offered. “I’m all ears.”
Chip seemed to hesitate before shaking his head wordlessly. Gillion nodded and fell silent.
The two sat in silence. Gillion wasn’t sure how long it lasted, probably around half an hour. He watched Chip out of the corner of his eye and tried to gauge his emotional state. He quickly came to the conclusion that he had no idea how to read emotion.
“I wasn’t born a man.” Chip broke the silence. Gillion tilted his head to the side.
“Of course you weren’t born a man, you were born a baby.” Gill wasn’t sure where Chip was going with this conversation.
“No,” Chip sighed. “I mean I was born a girl.”
“…And?” Gill prodded.
Chip threw his hands up. “So I’m not a… real man. I deepen my voice and bind my chest and try my best to pass, but no one sees me as a man.”
“Oh.” Gill still didn’t understand. “Why don’t they see you as a man?”
“Because I have a female body!” Chip snapped. His shoulders slumped and he sighed.
“Does that matter to people here?” Gill asked.
Chip laughed bitterly. “Yeah.”
“Oh,” Gillion said quietly. “I didn’t know people on land cared so much about gender.”
“Do they not do that in the Undersea?” Chip asked.
“Not really. It only really mattered if you wanted to have a child with someone.” Gillion explained.
“That sounds… nice.” Chip started to visibly relax. “So if there’s no gender in the Undersea, then how did you decide to present male and use he/him pronouns and shit?”
“I didn’t, people decided I was a man because of my body and I just went with it. I don’t really feel like any gender, though. I’m just… Gillion.”
Chip perked up a bit. “There’s a word for that. Agender, I think.”
“But I don’t have a gender,” Gill responded, puzzled. “That’s the point.”
Chip laughed. “Agender as in no gender. Like ”atypical” or ”asymmetrical””
“Ah.” Gillion nodded thoughtfully. “Then that’s what I am. Agender.”
Chip looked a bit taken aback by Gillion’s quick realization. “So… should we use different pronouns for you now? They/them is the most common gender-neutral pronoun, but there are others.”
“I’ll think about it,” Gillion replied. “For now I like he/him but that might change.”
“Let us know if it does.” Chip gave him a small smile and Gill smiled back.
“Is there a word for what you are?” Gill asked. “A man born female, that is.”
“Transgender,” Chip replied. “And it goes the other way too, there are women who are born male. You’re technically trans too, since you’re a different gender than what you were born with.”
“Cool.” Gill nodded and lapsed into silence once again. Chip was happy to join in.
The quiet between them stretched from seconds into minutes. Chip looked like he wanted to say something, but Gill didn’t push him.
“...Do you see me as a man?” Chip asked quietly. Gill cocked his head and considered the question.
“Well,” Gillion started carefully, “I don’t know what exactly a ‘man’ is. I’ve tried to figure it out but it’s so confusing- some people say it’s clothes that make your gender, some say it’s actions, and some say it’s appearance. So… yes, I see you as just as much of a man as anyone else that says they are, no matter what you were born as.”
“Thank you.” Chip ran a hand through his hair. “It’s just…” he gestured at his chest. “Boobs. People see boobs and think ‘woman’.”
“Do you not want your boobs?” Gillion asked. “I might be able to help with that.”
“How?” Chip laughed. “With your sword?”
“It can’t be that hard.” Gill shrugged. “We get some healing potions and Jay can knock you out. I’ve been teaching her how to punch.”
Chip immediately stopped laughing. “Oh, you weren’t joking.”
“The offer is always open.” Gill tapped his tail against the floor for a moment before asking, “… Does Jay know?”
“That I’m trans? Yeah.” Chip nodded. “She’s cool with it. She was the first person to correct someone on my pronouns.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Gillion asked. Chip looked away.
“I… didn’t think you’d understand, being from the Undersea and all that. And I didn’t want to risk our friendship.” Chip admitted quietly, picking at his nails.
“You can always confide in me.” Gill declared, leaning forward and taking Chip’s hand. “We’re friends, and I don’t want anything to come between us.”
Chip’s brown eyes met Gill’s vibrant blue irises. For a moment, everything faded away. The creaking of the ship, the wind in the sails, even the splash of waves far below disappeared. For that one brief moment, it was just the two of them, Gillion and Chip. Something warm was filling Gillion’s chest, something he’d never felt before. He felt like wagging his tail and jumping up and down with happiness but he wanted- no, needed this moment to last forever. Chip’s grip on his hand tightened and Gill squeezed back.
“I… Thank you.” Chip broke the silence. He looked down at his lap, his cheeks suddenly flushed. “It means the world to me.” He looked back up at Gill with something in his eyes that he couldn’t read.
“Of course.” Gillion smiled brightly. They held eye contact for a moment longer before Chip pulled his hand out of Gill’s and stood up. To Gill’s alarm, Chip winced and put a hand on the railing of the crow’s nest to steady himself.
“Are you okay?” Gill asked, readying his magic to provide healing. Chip nodded.
“Yeah… The bandages hurt sometimes.” Chip pulled the collar of his shirt down to reveal bandages wrapped around his upper chest. “I use them to keep my chest flat, but…” He straightened his shirt. “It’s hard to find time alone to take a break.”
“How often do you take them off?” Gill asked worriedly, climbing to his feet.
“Every few days or so I take them off for the night,” Chip replied. “I’m fine, don’t worry.”
Gill raised an eyebrow. “I’ve had broken ribs before. You hold your arms away from your body to minimize the pressure on your sides, right?”
Chip crossed his arms stubbornly. Gillion watched him clench his jaw in pain. “No, that’s just how I stand.”
“Okay, show me your ribs.” Gill shot back. “As your co-captain, I need to make sure that you’re not injured.”
“I’m fine!” Chip snapped, kicking open the trapdoor on the floor. “I’m going to go… fix something.”
Gillion watched him climb down the rigging. He sighed and followed him after a few moments.
———
Gill managed to catch Chip alone in the captains’ quarters later that day. As Chip turned around to leave, Gillion stepped in front of the door.
“I’m worried about you,” Gill started before Chip could say anything. “I won’t say anything or do anything without your express permission. I just want to heal you.”
“I’m fine,“ Chip sighed. “I’ve been doing this for years and nothing bad has happened yet.”
“That you know of,” Gill added. “Just let me see. You can sit with your back to me. If you’re really okay, I’ll leave you alone.”
Chip hesitated, rubbed a hand over his face, and finally nodded. “Fine. If it makes you feel better.” He plopped down onto his bed with a sigh and began unbuttoning his shirt.
Gillion let out a relieved sigh and turned away to give his friend some privacy. In the quiet cabin, he heard Chip’s shallow, uneven breathing. The breathing of someone trying to conceal pain. Gill knew that feeling all too well.
“Okay,” Chip said after a moment. “You can look.”
Gillion turned around and inhaled sharply. The other man’s upper back and what he could see of his sides were covered in various shades of bruises.
“Gods.” Gill muttered, sitting on the bed behind Chip. “You’ve been binding this way for years?”
“That bad, huh?” Chip laughed nervously with a wince.
“There’s so much bruising, maybe more serious damage to your ribs.” Gillion reached out instinctively but stopped himself. “Can I touch you?”
“Go ahead,” Chip replied. Gill gently ran his hand over the worst of the bruises, watching them fade. He closed his eyes and reached out with his magic, trying to find any sign of internal injuries.
“Okay,” Gillion said after a moment. “You have a couple cracked ribs. I can fix them, but it’s gonna hurt.”
“Fuck it.” Chip shrugged, his muscles moving under Gillion’s fingers. “Go for it.”
Gill nodded and closed his eyes. He focused on the worst injury, a rib on Chip’s left side, and channeled a burst of magic into healing the cracks. Chip yelped and flinched as a small pop could be heard.
“Fuck, ow!” Chip hissed. Gillion pulled back instinctively.
“Should I keep going?” Gill asked softly. Chip nodded and braced his hands against the bedframe.
“Just… be quick.”
Gillion took a deep breath and concentrated. Two more ribs straightened out with an unpleasant crunch . Chip was silent this time but Gill could sense the pain he was in by how tight his hands were clenched.
“Okay, I’m done with your ribs.” Gill sat back with a sigh of relief. “Let me finish with the bruises and then I’ll be done.”
Chip was silent as Gillion finished healing his bruises. As Gill removed his hands from Chip’s back, the man turned to look at him.
“Thank you.” Chip’s voice was quiet, barely over a whisper. “I owe you.” His brown eyes met Gill’s with an emotion that Gill couldn’t quite figure out.
“You don’t,” Gillion replied. “I’m just making sure you’re safe.”
Chip seemed to hesitate for a moment before dropping his gaze to the floor. “I guess that’s fair.” Keeping one arm securely folded over his chest, he reached for the pile of bandages. Gillion smacked his hand away with his tail.
“No. I just went to all the trouble of resetting three ribs, you’re not gonna put those back on.” Gill told him sternly.
“I can’t just… not wear them.” Chip protested. “I barely get gendered correctly even with them on.”
“Then I’ll correct anyone who dares misgender you.” Gill declared. “We’ll be at another port in a few days, so you can look for something better to use. Until then, no more binding.”
Chip sighed and made a circular motion with his hand. “Turn around so I can put my shirt back on.”
Gillion turned around, his tail almost sweeping everything off an entire tabletop. “The sword option is still open…”
“I’ll keep that in mind,” Chip laughed. Gill was pleased to hear that he sounded happier than when Gill had entered the room. He busied himself with rearranging the items on the small shelf above his barrel until he felt a hand on his shoulder. He turned to see his friend.
“Hey, Gill.” Chip’s voice was uncharacteristically soft. “I… uh…”
Now this was weird. Chip was never this quiet. If anything, he was incredibly loud, poking fun at Jay and Gillion, playing pranks, messing around with Ollie, et cetera. Gill had never seen him this nervous, something must be wrong.
“What is it?” Gill asked worriedly. “Are you okay? Does anything hurt still? Did I do something wrong?” His mind raced, recounting the past few hours, scanning for mistakes and failures in his interactions with Chip.
“No, no, I’m okay. You’re fine too.” Chip fidgeted with his hands, cracking each knuckle one at a time. “I just… Did you read your grandpa’s book?”
“I mean… yeah…” Gillion braced his hands against the lid of his barrel and boosted himself up to sit on top of it. “I didn’t really understand the parts about putting your mouth on peoples’-“
“Not that part.” Chip cut him off. “The one about… Here, just let me show you.” He reached behind Gill to grab the book off his shelf and started flipping through it. Gillion watched him curiously.
Chip stopped on a page and hesitated. He glanced nervously between Gill and the book. The Triton reached out and gently took the book from him.
Romantic love
Ah, romance. One of the most painful and beautiful phenomena a person can experience. For some, it is blissfully easy, and for some, it is the hardest thing in the world.
One of the most difficult aspects of navigating romance is knowing if and when romantic attraction is present. It is surprisingly easy to confuse romantic and platonic attraction, so make sure to give it a lot of thought before you commit to a relationship.
Romantic love can manifest in many forms. The most common of these are:
- Desires to spend one’s life with the object(s) of your attraction in an exclusive partnership
- Sexual attraction (for more on this, visit chapter 4- Lust)
- Desires to kiss, touch, or otherwise interact physically with the person/people in a meaningful or intimate manner
- Strong emotions around them, positive or negative.
- “Butterflies in your stomach”- a warm, fluttery feeling residing in one’s chest or stomach.
Of course, there are many others, and everyone’s mind and heart function differently. Love is a funny thing, and I wish you luck on your journey navigating the ups and downs of romance.
Gillion stared at the page, not completely understanding Chip’s intention in showing it to him. He looked up at the man in confusion.
Chip gestured to the book. “I wasn’t sure how else to tell you, so I thought your grandpa spelled it out pretty well.”
Oh.
Gillion’s eyes widened. This explained so much. The moments of eye contact between them, the lingering touches, the way Chip looked at him when he thought he didn’t notice…
A pang of guilt swept through him. He couldn’t do this. His destiny didn’t allow it. He was supposed to choose between land or sea and exterminate all evil in the process. He had no time for romantic love.
Gillion looked up at Chip, who looked back with a hopeful, painfully vulnerable expression. He took a deep breath, carefully planning what he was going to say.
“Chip,” he started. “I… You’re a very good friend to me, and if my path allowed it, I would be interested in pursuing a romantic relationship with you.” He dropped his gaze to the book in his lap so he didn’t have to face Chip. “Unfortunately, my destiny doesn’t allow for that kind of connection.” Gill slid off his barrel, setting the book on top of it. “I’m sorry,” he added softly. Before Chip could reply, he rushed out of the cabin and dove off the side of the ship to take a swim.
——
Gillion and Chip avoided each other for the next few days. Gillion spent most of his time training on the upper deck or swimming alongside the ship. Chip took watch the full nights and slept in the hold during the day.
Jay hadn’t asked about it. Gill assumed she thought they’d had a fight and didn’t take the trouble to correct her.
Two nights after their conversation, Gillion floated in his barrel. Sleeping hadn’t been easy the past couple nights and it was even worse tonight. It must have been well past midnight, the moon was high enough to reflect off the water of his barrel as he slid the lid off.
Gill hauled himself out of his barrel and squeezed the water out of his hair to prevent it from dripping on the floor. He quietly padded past Jay where she was snoring in her bed and out the door of the cabin.
Chip was sitting at the very front of the ship, his legs dangling off the side of the deck. Gillion took a deep breath to steady himself and walked over to him.
“Hey,” Chip greeted Gill as he approached and sat beside him.
“Hi,” Gill replied cautiously. “How… have you been?”
“Not great,” Chip laughed bitterly. Gill winced. “You?”
“I’ve been thinking,” Gillion said quietly. Chip turned and finally made eye contact. “…about what I said the other day.”
“It’s okay,” Chip cut in. “I understand.”
Gill shook his head. “It’s not like that. You make me feel things that I’ve never felt before, and it scares me. The elders taught me humans were selfish, greedy, and bloodthirsty, but my time with you and Jay have proved them wrong a thousand times over.” He took a breath, meeting Chip’s eyes steadily. “I have been trying to ignore my feelings, to push them down and write them off as unnecessary and irrational, but you forced me to finally face them. And I can’t run from them anymore.
“I love you, Chip. Destiny be damned. The elders have been wrong before, and I think they’re wrong again. My destiny- our destinies- are linked. If I must fulfill mine, you will be beside me.”
Chip reached out and gently took Gillion’s hand. Gill intertwined their fingers, grasping his hand tightly.
“It scares me, too, Gill. But I know, I knew from that kiss in the cave that I was doomed to fall for you. And I did fall. I fell for your stupid face and your pretty eyes and your unending confidence and your devotion to our crew.
“I’m in love with you, Gillion Tidestrider. I would go to the ends of the earth for you and it fucking terrifies me. I’m so scared that by saying this, I’ve doomed myself to another loss, but I’d rather to have loved and lost than never loved at all.”
A smile spread across Gill’s face and his tail thumped happily against the deck. “I never knew you were so poetic,” he teased. Chip rolled his eyes with a laugh.
“I’m poetic when it matters.” Chip gently tucked a lock of Gill’s hair behind his ear fin and leaned close. Gill’s breath caught as he felt the man’s breath against his lips.
“Can I kiss you?” Gillion whispered breathlessly. Chip responded by closing the gap between them.
Just like the first time they’d kissed, Chip’s lips were warm and surprisingly soft. Their first kiss ended all too soon with Chip pulling away hesitantly, but Gill grabbed his shirt and pulled him in for a second, which turned into a third, which led to a fourth…
When they finally came up for air, Gill’s tail was wagging hard enough to leave a semicircle of slightly damp deck behind him. He met Chip’s eyes and found the other man beaming at him as bright as the moon.
“Hey.” Gill grinned back breathlessly. “I love you.”
“I love you too, Gill.” Chip kissed him on the nose. “Fuck, I’ve been waiting so long to say that. I love you, I love you, I love you.”
“I love you,” Gillion echoed giddily. “I love you like the moon loves the sun, like the sea loves the sky, like the stars love each other. You are beautiful.”
“And I thought I was cheesy,” Chip laughed.
“What’s cheese?” Gill asked, tilting his head in confusion. Chip waved his hand dismissively.
“I’ll tell you later.” Chip leaned his head on Gill’s shoulder with a happy sigh. “Hey… can I call you my boyfriend?”
“Of course!” Gillion grinned. “Can I call you my boyfriend too?”
“I would love nothing more.” Chip kissed him on the cheek. “You wanna keep me company for the rest of my watch?”
“Sure.”
———
“Okay,” Chip said from behind Gillion. “I think I’ve got it.”
Gill turned around to see the other man. Chip stood in front of him, arms held out to his sides in a “ta-da” pose.
His new binder was made of light but strong fabric that blended into his skin. A row of laced eyelets ran down the garment under each arm, pulling the fabric tight over his chest like a corset. Gillion smiled.
“You look great.” Gill stepped forward to examine the garment closer. “It looks like you’re not wearing anything if I’m not paying attention.”
“Ew,” Jay remarked from where she sat on her bed. “Talk about not wearing anything when you’re alone, please.”
“Shut up,” Chip shot back, a slight tinge of pink coloring his cheeks and ears. He examined his silhouette in the cracked mirror in the corner of the captain’s quarters, running a hand down his chest as if to smooth it further. “It’s alright.”
Gill could tell he was excited, despite his nonchalant attitude. He grinned at Chip through the mirror. “Can you breathe okay? Any pain?”
“Nope,” Chip replied with a small grin. “Jay, toss me my shirt.”
“Get it yourself,” Jay snapped good-naturedly and pelted his balled-up shirt at him. Chip mock-gasped.
“The disrespect!” He turned to Gill with a dramatic pouty face. “Did you hear that? No one on this crew respects me.”
“I respect you,” Gill replied earnestly. “Mutual respect is necessary in a romantic relationship.”
“Oh my gods, you two are so gross.” Jay rolled her eyes and stormed through the doorway onto the deck.
“Homophobic!” Chip called after her.
“I like women!” Jay yelled back.
“Yeah, but you get none!” Chip threw on his shirt and ran after her. Gillion followed them, a fond smile on his face.
Standing on the deck of the Albatross, with the warm sun beaming down on him and the laughs of his friends filling the air around him, Gillion couldn’t be happier. This was something the Undersea had failed to give him - a family.
A high-pitched shriek and a splash shook him out of his introspection. Jay stood alone on the bow of the ship, her arms raised victoriously. Chip was nowhere to be seen, and Gill had a sneaking suspicion of where he’d disappeared to. His theory was confirmed as he heard a yell from the water.
“Your boyfriend fell off the boat again.” Jay calmly informed him as she went back inside. Gillion sighed and dove over the side.