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Kaz Brekker could turn a blind eye to many, many things. Most things actually. If it had nothing to do with him, meaning there was nothing in it for him, he didn’t bother. Though he could be convinced, if there was monetary value or it would get him closer to living as comfortably as possible.
He could have ignored Jesper Fahey rotting in his bed for one day, and he did. But on day two it was beginning to annoy him. And on day three Kaz was more than annoyed and was downright peeved that Jesper was still a miserable lump under his blankets.
The same Jesper that usually was content being a bullet shot into their dorm room, bouncing off the walls in a happy one sided conversation, was unmoving in his bed and making no noise. Kaz supposed he was irritated because this was out of character for Jesper and he liked for all of his things to behave accordingly.
The product description was not providing the most accurate review of Jesper Fahey at the moment. He was not talking which made Kaz irritable, because coming home to a silent room every day reminded him after everything, he was always destined to be alone.
That one day even Jesper, unserious and chipper and viciously loyal was going to keel over and die. Kaz closed the door behind him, this was day three, hour 17. He’d come home from his last class of the day and Jesper was still in his bed, not quite dead yet but Kaz had a talent for being able to guess when people were close, or thinking about it.
“Fahey.” Kaz didn’t say it as a greeting, but like he was calling his misbehaving dog. Like now Jesper had to put all the energy he was wasting into listening to and obeying him now.
Jesper, even with half-lidded miserable eyes and a lethargic no-good body knew better than to ignore Kaz Brekker. He lived with the guy, he worked with the guy sometimes, most of the time, because he couldn’t stand letting him go into deals alone.
“Mm.” Jesper hummed, the first noise he’d made in three days, in 65 hours. Kaz seemed content with the small sound, that yes, Jesper was listening to him and he could continue to berate him.
“You’re going to cut this shit out, okay?” Kaz put his backpack down on his bed and shrugged his jacket off, not paying Jesper any attention as he mumbled orders at him. If Jesper was a dog, his ears would be perked to listen to Kaz, maybe a paw or two would twitch.
“Mm.” Jesper made the noise again and Kaz walked over to his roommate’s bed pointedly, grabbing his phone right off the bedside table. It had been dead a long time, and that was half of the problem.
“Have you been taking your meds? Fahey?” Kaz started to do that thing, where his voice was cold and laced with malice. But Jesper blinked his tired eyes at him, he knew better, knew Kaz was bothered that Jesper knew he was secretly scared for him, at least that’s what he told himself.
“Crazy fucking thing about Adderall, is you have to take it for it to work. Isn’t that a strange concept?” Kaz shook Jesper’s pill bottle at him, thumbing at the label and over his prescription in tiny little letters.
“Mmm.” Jesper said again, neither confirming or denying his dedication to taking his prescribed medication. Kaz settled himself down on the side of his bed, almost on Jesper’s legs, almost. He rolled his sleeves up, and popped open the bottle.
“I’m going to count your meds, Fahey,” Kaz murmured like it was a threat, like he was going to load them into a gun and blow his brains out. “If I find out that this little act, this little pity party is the result of a rebellious mental health crisis,” He let out a dry chuckle as he poured the pills into his palm and then began pushing them one by one back into the container. “You never learn, and I’m going to teach you, because it’s miraculous you’ve lived this long.
“Mm.” Jesper wanted to turn his face into the pillow because Kaz was doing this to scare him, and it was always going to work. They both knew Jesper hadn’t reached for his meds for three days, or water, or his phone, or any semblance of food, or even processed that time kept going even when he was out of commission.
“Isn’t this funny? You’ve three extra doses in here,” Kaz laughed but they both agreed it wasn’t funny, he shut the bottle and slammed it onto the table. “We could be making some extra cash peddling your Adderall to college students.”
Jesper pushed his face into his pillow, into his childhood stuffed animal, Snuggles, and shut his eyes tightly. He fully knew what Kaz was capable of, and he was laying in bed completely susceptible for whatever punishment he deemed necessary.
“I think I’ll tell Wylan you’re about to kill yourself.” Kaz got up off the bed and dusted himself off like Jesper or his meds had contaminated him in some way. “I’m not technically lying, just withholding information.” He gave Jesper a smile, but it didn’t reach his eyes. “He’ll be here in not but 10 minutes for your wake, so best make yourself pretty, Fahey.”
Kaz kept the door ajar for Wylan’s imminent arrival, lounging on his own bed when it burst open and a hesitant head of redgold curls peeked inside. The room was dark and Kaz looking up at Wylan through his lashes was not helping him be unafraid.
“S-sorry, I didn’t mean to,” Wylan gestured shakily to the door that had slammed open so hard it had come back to close again and Wylan put his hands out to stop himself from getting smacked by it. Kaz knew Wylan didn’t mean to, knew that this poor kid was running on instinct alone. Knew that he’d ran the whole way from his dorm on the brink of tears.
“Wylan,” Kaz nodded at him, therefore inviting him into the room. Wylan tiptoed inside, it was harder to do anything when Kaz Brekker was watching you like a hawk, watching you like he was waiting for one misstep so he could strike. “How are you?”
Wylan blinked at him, lips parted, because how was he? He hadn’t seen his boyfriend in three days and hadn’t had the time to come over here himself with all his course work. Wylan was not good, he was very far from good. The text from Kaz Brekker, who only had phone numbers for emergencies or extortion, had jostled him to his core and he left his work where it sat.
“I-I’m not great…and you?” Wylan was waiting for permission to cross the room and see Jesper, because he just knew better than to do something Kaz Brekker did not permit.
“Better, now that you can babysit.” Kaz got up from his bed and passed Wylan just in front of the door without so much as blinking at him. “I’ll be back in about thirty minutes, but by all means, take your time.”
Wylan wasn’t sure if he had just been given a time limit to essentially cure Jesper’s depressive episode or if Kaz was insinuating he wanted Wylan to stay as long as he wanted. He nodded at Kaz, who shut the door behind him and left Wylan in a dark room with his immovably upset boyfriend.
Once he got over the shakes from being within such a close distance of Kaz, Wylan wandered over to the bed and crouched down so he was on his knees beside it. He touched Jesper’s hip over the blanket and gently rubbed up to stroke his side. Jesper unburied himself from his stuffed dog’s fur and his eyes opened to find him looking at Wylan.
Wylan, his Wylan. Trying his best to look brave when he was flushed from the run over here and sick to his stomach with a terrifying gnawing anxiety. Jesper still thought he was beautiful, still thought that he was emitting light like an angel, his angel.
“Hey, honey…” Wylan whispered quietly, and Jesper’s eyes couldn’t help but look all over his face, he missed his face. Missed his voice, his touch, his love. “Do you mind if I get in there with you?”
On the brink of death or not, Jesper would never mind Wylan crawling under his covers with him. He couldn’t quite move as freely as he wanted to, but Wylan had enough practice taking up as little space as he could manage. He slipped into his bed with no worries, grabbing onto Jesper’s wrists and guiding his arms to wrap around Wylan’s middle.
“Hi…” Jesper croaked, the first word he’d bothered to say in three days, and Wylan smiled tinily at the sound, he missed his voice. Missed his hands, his laughter, his love.
“Kaz said he couldn’t get you outta bed,” Wylan reached his own hands out to touch Jesper’s face, lips twitching when Jesper leaned into his palms. It was crazy how cold he was, under all these blankets and they weren’t giving him any warmth.
Jesper shut his eyes as he pushed into Wylan’s soft hands, sighing as he stroked his cheekbones and brought a soft heat back to his skin. So Kaz didn’t tell Wylan he was on suicide watch. Jesper should have known that Kaz was all talk, especially when it came to him, especially when it came to Wylan.
“Yeah…” Jesper tried another word, and Wylan nodded encouragingly, fingers delicately plucking eye boogers from the corners of his boyfriend’s eyes. Jesper loved him so much, how many people would fucking clean out the mucus from his eyes for him?
“Did something happen?” Wylan wiggled closer to Jesper now that he had cleaned him up a bit, smoothing his hand through his hair and getting it out of his face. Jesper wanted to warn him he must be sweaty and greasy and gross but Wylan never ever seemed to mind any of it.
“Tired.” Jesper spoke quietly, because that was all that had happened. He was tired and it was an overwhelming sort of tired. It was a complete and total burnout. It was go go go for midterms and then once they were done he shut off. “Really tired, Wylan…”
Wylan’s eyes flickered over Jesper’s face, his glassy gaze and dry lips and the darkness under his eyes. He looked tired too, like way too tired and it had only been three days. He tucked his head against Jesper’s chest and tried to be brave again, convinced himself to not show any weakness because Jesper didn’t need that.
“Can we try drinking some water and having a little shower?” Wylan could have cried when Jesper’s unmoving arms that had been draped over him actually tightened. Jesper wrapped Wylan in a hug, burying his nose in his hair and humming at the realization that Wylan was actually here, actually in his bed, in his arms.
It was like Jesper hadn’t been conscious and then just was. He fully believed Wylan was an angel visiting him in his dreams until he processed that Wylan was an angel but one that lived on campus with him and he was really actually here.
“Uh huh,” Jesper agreed as he nuzzled into Wylan, about to wrap his legs around him too when his boyfriend peeked up at him and smiled softly.
“I think we need to change your sheets before we get too comfy, is that okay, honey?” Wylan offered Jesper a kiss on the cheek and Jesper’s eyes fluttered, brimming with tears that needed to come out three days ago.
“Yeah, it’s okay…” Jesper breathed out, hands loosening on Wylan as he slipped off of the bed and to his feet. Wylan pulled the blankets back and gave Jesper both of his hands, lighting up when Jesper held them and they both made a great effort to get him out of bed.
“I wish I could pick you up,” Wylan whispered as he waddled backwards towards the bathroom, leading the way for Jesper. “I’d hold you really tight and bring you everywhere.”
“Oh, like a teddy bear.” Jesper’s mouth quirked and Wylan almost stumbled backwards, nodding his head earnestly. Yes, like a teddy bear. Yes, his boyfriend was on his feet and almost smiling. Yes, yes, yes, to all of it to everything.
“Like a little stuffed keychain.” Wylan offered and Jesper couldn’t stop the smile even if he wanted to. Wylan’s heart absolutely burst, with pride, with relief, with love, with so much love.
“You’re gonna stuff me?” Jesper couldn’t pass up the joke even if he had been rotting away in his bed ten minutes before, it was just right there. Wylan laughed in surprise, cheeks flushing bright red and maybe he felt dizzy too, maybe the sprint over here was catching up to him.
“If you’d like.” Wylan shrugged, noncommittal for comedic effect, and Jesper shut his eyes and leaned some of his weight on his boyfriend, how was it that the walk to the bathroom felt like miles? If Wylan wasn’t there he’d be rotting on the floor, which was a definite downgrade than the bed.
“I can think of something we’d like more.” Jesper said as they pushed through the doorway of the bathroom and Wylan made sure there were fresh towels before doing anything else.
“We’d like it, hm?” Wylan got to work getting Jesper out of his old clothes, taking care to not go too fast, the last thing he’d want to do was tire him out again. He was testing the water temperature when Jesper traced all the markings left on his skin from where fabric pushed into him for three days, seams and blanket creases embedded in him. “How are we feeling, honey?”
“Kinda stinky.” Jesper answered, stepping into the shower and then almost immediately leaning against the wall. He didn’t think there would be a day so soon where he couldn’t stand on his own.
“Would it be better to sit?” Wylan offered and Jesper took him up on the offer immediately, much better sitting down where he couldn’t lose his balance. “Let me know if it’s too hot.” He watched water drop down the tip of Jesper’s nose and was given a smile.
“It’s nice,” Jesper let himself be soaked by the water, his eyes watching a focused and careful Wylan conducting bathtime and taking his job very seriously. “You’re nice.” He murmured and Wylan peeked down at him, smiling softly.
Jesper had done a lot of sitting, in the shower, on the counter as Wylan watched him brush his teeth and at his desk as Wylan stripped the sheets and changed them. He had been given Snuggles for safekeeping, and so Jesper was holding the small dog in his lap when Kaz pushed the door open again.
“You got the rot smell out, good,” Kaz noted, leaving the door open for maximum ventilation and he flipped the lights on. Jesper winced, and he would have hid behind Snuggles if Kaz Brekker was not in the room. “Hard to eat with it around.” He dropped a bag of food onto Jesper’s desk beside him and retired to his own desk with his food. “You should pay him more.”
Jesper decided to ignore Kaz, because yes he knew Wylan was too good for him. He opened up the bag to find to-go bowls of beef brisket soup, fresh rice, and steamed vegetables.
“Oh, thank you,” Wylan finished making the bed and joined Jesper in his inspection, eyes wide at all the food Kaz had brought back for them. “What do I owe you?”
“You paid for it already.” Kaz mumbled around a spoonful of his own soup, not interested in having a conversation but of having a meal in his room without thinking about Jesper dying fifteen feet away. “I just went to the first place I saw that served soup, don’t mention it.” And he meant it, do not mention it or he’d have something to say about it, to do about it.
Wylan caught Kaz Brekker in a lie, but decided not to say anything. He did not go to the first place that served soup. He did not randomly buy soup as a typical gesture for a sick person to heal. Wylan knew Jesper liked this soup the best, liked this restaurant the best, knew it was 20 minutes from the school, knew Kaz Brekker cared about Jesper Fahey despite it all.
“We’ll take your meds when your tummy’s settled,” Wylan said as he fluffed up the pillows one last time and rushed back to Jesper’s side. “Smells good, don’t worry about finishing it, we can have leftovers.”
“Mmm, I might eat this all.” Jesper admitted, three days of inadvertently starving himself had that effect on him. Wylan was overjoyed to hear that Jesper had an appetite, especially a big enough one to eat everything he’d been given. It might have tasted better because Kaz Brekker had bought him lunch.
“That’s fine, that’s great,” Wylan whispered hurriedly, he softly stroked Jesper’s hair as he slurped down food. “Then we can go for a little walk, and if you’re up for it I need to get some supplies for my Earth Sciences project.”
“Oh, boy, walkies.” Jesper had not been outside for three days and he wanted to get a breath of fresh air so badly. He ate faster and Wylan laughed in relief, hands smoothing down to rest on Jesper’s shoulders.
“Do you want to come, Kaz?” Wylan was far too friendly for his own good, but after all Kaz had done for Jesper he’d wanted to extend the invite.
“For walkies? Do I want to go for walkies with you and your dog?” Kaz deadpanned, but Wylan hadn’t been able to detect any actual distaste in the delivery, maybe on the word walkies, but that was understandable. More an issue of language and not Wylan or Jesper.
“Woof woof.” Jesper shoveled rice into his mouth and Kaz rolled his eyes. He always hated it when Jesper took his insults and rolled with them. The way Jesper could make anything lighthearted and fun. The way Jesper lit up a room, Kaz could not stand it.
“Next time…?” Wylan wasn’t going to give up, because anybody that had walked forty minutes to make sure his boyfriend got a balanced meal was a friend of his.
“Yeah, no.” Kaz put an end to any further invitations, turning back to his food. Wylan sighed a little, because he had tried, he was always trying.
“I didn’t want him to go for walkies with us anyways,” Jesper mumbled pointedly, because honestly he wanted Wylan all to himself right now, it had been three fucking days. He’d want to walk around for as long as possible if it meant Wylan was by his side. “Besides we only have one collar.”
“It’s a choker.” Wylan whispered hurriedly before Kaz Brekker got the wrong idea. Kaz Brekker did not fucking care, if anything he’d be delighted if the dog jokes he’d been making were based on any truth.
“You got it from Nina, it is for sure a collar.” Jesper tipped his head back to drink his soup and Wylan couldn’t even be mad at his reasoning. Couldn’t be mad at Jesper at all actually, he’d just gotten him back after days of no contact, he’d allow it, just this once.
“Actually I think she’s still at work,” Wylan pulled out his phone and checked the time, she was still on the clock for at least another three hours. “We can go to the cafe for a little drink too…”
“Oh my God, I love you.” Jesper groaned because he did want a little drink, and Wylan knew it. Knew Jesper had gone three days without a little treat.
“The promise of whipped cream is that good?” Wylan giggled, very pleased with himself for knowing what Jesper wanted and when he wanted it. He supposed that was why Kaz Brekker had told him Jesper needed help. “I love you too, let’s sit for fifteen before we have our meds?” He grinned when Jesper grabbed him by the waist and slotted Wylan onto his lap, both of them facing each other.
“Do you have to do that for fifteen?” Kaz rubbed at his forehead as he glanced over his shoulder to see Jesper recharging via squeezing Wylan tight and burying his face in his neck.
“For like ten.” Jesper mumbled against his boyfriend’s throat, turning his head to meet Kaz’s gaze and he shrugged his shoulders. “I need the other five to kiss him.” He mimed checking a watch that wasn’t there and Kaz narrowed his eyes at him.
“With each minute over fifteen, I’ll put a pellet of rat poison in your food.” Kaz turned back to his meal, because he had only looked to see if Jesper had eaten or not and he basically licked the bowls clean.
“Completely worth it,” Jesper sighed out, giving Wylan’s collarbone a small bite to prove his point, it made Wylan jolt in his lap. “If I’m gonna be poisoned to death I might as well get my boyfriend off.”
“Jes.” Wylan squeaked, very adamant about his itinerary. Fifteen minutes for cuddles, then Jesper would take his medicine, then they’d go for a walk, then the store and then get a little drink. There was no wiggle room.
“I’m not going to kill you, but you’re going to feel it.” Kaz grumbled, he spun around in his chair to face them as a challenge, as a dare. Jesper did not feel like giving Kaz a free show, so he cuddled and kissed Wylan very sweetly for fifteen minutes.
“Open.” Wylan happily administered Jesper’s medicine for him, and gave him water to drink too, all from the comfort of his lap. Kaz had finished eating and leaned back in his chair, choosing now to add to the conversation.
“By the way, Wylan, Jesper hasn’t taken his meds in three days.” Kaz got up to throw away all his garbage and Wylan, very shocked, looked down at his boyfriend.
“Dude? You fucking told on me?” Jesper went limp underneath Wylan, because apparently nothing was sacred to Kaz.
“Jesper.” Wylan grumbled, he squished Jesper’s cheeks together softly and forced him to look him in the eye.
“I thought it was a good idea to tell an authority figure,” Kaz had cleaned his desk up quickly and efficiently, giving Jesper a mocking smile. “And who has more authority than someone in your lap, hand feeding you pills?”
“So you weren’t gonna tell me?” Wylan crawled out of Jesper’s lap so he could have the conversation properly but kept his hand on his face. “You know how dangerous it is to stop taking your meds, and to not tell anybody on top of that? Hey, don’t you dare weaponize your pretty teary eyes right now, don’t.”
“So it’s not working?” Jesper blinked a few small tears out of his eyes, giving Wylan a very convincing frown and making him sigh in exasperation. “What if I said I am soooo sorry and you’re my baby and-”
“I’d say to take me seriously.” Wylan raised an eyebrow, overall unimpressed, not angry, but reminding Jesper that he wasn’t a total pushover. Jesper’s mouth pressed into a small line and he nodded, because yeah he should be taking this seriously, it was just hard.
“Great work.” Kaz grinned at the sight of Jesper Fahey actually in trouble and reaping what he sowed. This was magnificent, this was Kaz gaining respect for Wylan. “I’d get that collar now, if I were you.”
“He’s gotta work for it.” Wylan sniffed, moving to clean up Jesper’s desk for him and Jesper all but liquified to the fucking floor. He could handle Kaz being cold and unfeeling and non reciprocating, but Wylan and Kaz, together, at the same time, teaming up against him? It was kinder to kill Jesper.
“Come on, I’m sorry.” Jesper pouted as Wylan wiped down his table and crossed his arms over his chest. “Kaz you’re actually the worst, by the way. Making Wylan mad at me, that’s 9th level of hell shit.”
“Treachery? Letting your boyfriend be rightfully upset with you is treacherous?” Kaz snorted, because somebody was paying attention in class and actually reading the material.
“Absolutely. For fucking sure.” Jesper had slipped so far down in his chair basically only his chest was on it, his long legs miserably on the floor.
“Jes, do you want to go on a walk or are you staying?” Wylan watched his boyfriend peel himself off of the floor, knocking his chair right into the desk with a thump and nearly giving himself whiplash.
“I wanna go, please, please,” Jesper didn’t need the damn collar, he’d follow Wylan around even if he wasn’t invited and actually had on occasion. “Kaz, shut the fuck up.”
“I didn’t say anything.” Kaz gave a shrug of his shoulders, which was just as good as confirming he was thinking something. Thinking that if he wanted to get to Jesper he’d have to get through Wylan. “If anyone should shut up, I think it’s you.”
“Thanks, I hate it.” Jesper gritted out, on his feet and following behind Wylan so close that if he’d stop he’d bump into him. Wylan’s hand reached backward out of habit and Jesper had been looking for it so he grabbed onto it faster than humanly possible.
“We’ll see you then, thank you.” Wylan still felt the need to be kind to Kaz because sure he’d poison Jesper’s food but he’d still get him something to eat.
“Anytime.” Kaz gave Wylan a warm-ish smile and then gave Jesper a definite cold one. “Congratulations on being a pain in the ass for someone that’s not me.”
“Uh huh.” Jesper largely ignored Kaz because he got to hold Wylan’s hand and he didn’t so what did he know?
Jesper knew it was going to help but going on a walk really helped, and it was probably even better because he’d gone on one with Wylan. And since Wylan had a route in mind, Jesper didn’t have to think even for a second. He was mindlessly walking around in the low sunshine with his boyfriend and life was good again.
It wasn’t that easy, but it was getting increasingly easier with the help of Wylan, and yes, even Kaz. Wylan had gently rubbed his thumb over the back of Jesper’s hand the entire walk and so Jesper’s heart rate kept leaping up when he was reminded of it.
“I’m not blaming you or anything,” Wylan began as they walked down the street, looking over his shoulder at Jesper who was a few steps behind him. “But just one text and I’m here. Kaz texted me once and I dropped everything.” He whispered, because he wanted to get it through Jesper’s head that he was the most important thing to him.
And it’s not that Jesper didn’t believe Wylan, it’s that he didn’t believe in himself. So he needed the frequent reminder. Jesper tilted his head down and Wylan smiled, wordless recognizing his need for a kiss. Jesper could have kept kissing him forever, but they were having a conversation, and an important one.
“I wasn’t thinking, at all, sorry,” Jesper had to get better at keeping his thoughts in order, maybe a list, or a whiteboard, something. “Why do I feel like you’re mad at me?”
“Because you’re nonconfrontational?” Wylan offered and Jesper’s lips parted, because this was a very good answer.
“And how come you’re the smartest ever?” Jesper murmured, leaning in for another small kiss because Wylan’s answer for this too had been queued up instantaneously.
“Because I feel like I have something to prove?” Wylan perked up on his toes and Jesper was more than happy to kiss him again. His free hand, the one that wasn’t holding Wylan’s, came up to tuck his hair behind his ear.
“You’re taking too many psych classes.” Jesper whispered against his lips and Wylan turned his head so he could kiss Jesper on the cheek.
“Help, I can't stop pathologizing.” Wylan adjusted his boyfriend’s septum piercing for him and Jesper stole just one more kiss. He was impulsive and he often felt impulsed to give Wylan a little smooch.
“You don’t have to prove anything to me, if that helps.” Jesper was always trying to be helpful, and yes, it really did help. That Wylan could just be himself in any sense of the word and Jesper would be head over heels for him.
“You’re very helpful.” Wylan tugged Jesper closer and nodded toward the craft store, where Wylan would be getting copious amounts of craft supplies for his project that Jesper would oh so helpfully, carry.
“And my hands are so big.” Jesper added, purely from the standpoint that he can hold lots of stuff for his boyfriend while he shopped. Wylan laughed softly, bringing his hand up to his mouth and kissing it gently.
“There are many benefits to dating a Jesper.” Wylan beamed when Jesper got shy, he could see the exact moment where a million words spilled into his brain because all he could get out was a small funny noise.
“Name three, top three.” Jesper got out after about twenty seconds of starting his sentence wrong and restarting. He was fishing for compliments but Wylan would deliver even if he was teasing.
“Extremely handsome, so you’re nice to look at, easy to fantasize and daydream about.” Wylan stated factually and Jesper snorted, more than pleased to hear Wylan was fantasizing and daydreaming about him. As if Wylan could not just say the word and have Jesper do whatever he desired.
“Was that three or one?” Jesper held the door open for Wylan and they wandered into the store and down the cardstock aisle.
“One, I was just showing my work, supporting my point with evidence.” Wylan whispered now that they were in a place that had walls that his voice could potentially bounce off of. “Kind hearted, good natured, selfless, this also counts as one cause I’m using them as loosely related synonyms.”
“You are insanely attractive, by the way.” Jesper added helpfully because Wylan was the smartest person he’d ever met and when he applied himself, even for a joke, Jesper was in awe of him.
“I’m expecting your top three benefits to dating a Wylan after this.” Wylan murmured, more than satisfied to see that Jesper was having trouble picking what part of his face to focus on when he spoke. “And finally, overall, yeah, you’re big.”
“Well pardon me.” Jesper needed to bite this guy, there was no other way to express how he felt. “I’m choosing to believe you mean my big heart, my big capacity to love.”
“What else could I be talking about?” Wylan batted his eyes, then because he knew it would make Jesper lose his mind, he dropped his gaze below his waist.
“Baby, you cannot do that when we’re browsing glitter and pom-poms, you cannot.” Jesper was squealing out his words, looking over both his shoulders to make sure nobody was around.
“I didn’t do anything.” Wylan slid his arm around Jesper’s waist, and leaned his head back until it rested on his boyfriend’s arm. “Can you grab me that? One blue and one green, yes, perfect.” He cooed as Jesper dutifully picked up pads of paper for him.
“Now I can’t think of three reasons that aren’t complete filth.” Jesper complained, because Wylan had been so kind and thoughtful and all the things Jesper could think of shouldn’t be repeated aloud.
“As if it’s my fault.” It was completely Wylan’s fault, but he liked to get away with things because Jesper liked him a lot.
“Can I help or is that cheating?” Jesper meant the project Wylan was doing, and Wylan kissed his arm before standing up straight.
“My professor doesn’t have to know, you can cut out some paper for me.” Wylan would have let Jesper help even if it wasn’t allowed, because Jesper liked to be involved and Wylan liked spending time with him no matter what they were doing.
“I feel bad,” Jesper admitted without really meaning to, just because he thought Wylan deserved to know everything running through his mind.
“I was just joking about the benefits thing, you really don’t have to.” Wylan was quick to backtrack but also quick to misunderstand. Jesper shook his head because while he did feel bad he couldn’t have an answer right away like Wylan did, he understood they were two different people with two very different brains.
“Not about that, but I don’t like knowing that you have to put stuff on hold to help me.” Jesper stared at a few sheets of glitter paper because heat was gathering behind his eyes and he couldn’t cry at the craft store, not right now. “I dunno, maybe I didn’t ask for help on purpose, I’m sorry.”
“Okay.” Wylan considered this very quietly, pulling away from Jesper’s personal space and moving so he was standing in front of him instead. “You know that I chose to help you, the same way I could have chosen not to. You didn’t force me to leave my homework undone, I decided you were more important than it.”
“But am I?” Jesper scrambled to read price tags of anything to calm himself down but it was so hard through all the fucking tears suddenly welling up.
“Yes. You are.” Wylan was so sure of it he almost convinced Jesper, almost. “It’s my choice to love you, and I do, so much. Come here, Jes.” He wrapped his arms around Jesper’s neck when he toppled forward into Wylan’s chest, pressing his face into his sweater and exhaling shakily.
“I’m sorry…” Jesper didn’t know what for but he was sure there was something he did wrong. Wylan kissed the top of his head to shush him and Jesper burrowed deeper into him. “I should also mention I missed therapy too, I’m such shit at being alive.”
“It’s not your fault, you didn’t do it on purpose.” Wylan stroked his thumb over the back of Jesper’s neck and he melted against him, the touch so familiar and gentle. “We’ll just reschedule, yeah? No big deal at all, we can go another day.”
Jesper’s heart was getting too big for his chest, Wylan had been referring to them as a unit this whole time and it drove him mad with love. That the two of them would feel better together and take their meds together and go to therapy together and take care of each other together.
“No big deal…” Jesper repeated, giving a tiny nod as he pulled away from the hug and let Wylan kiss away some of his excess tears. “Well, now I’m thinking I got all breakdown-y over nothing, the pain is constant and never ending, baby.”
“Mmm, I don’t want you to think of your feelings as nothing. They’re all important, even the icky ones.” Wylan grabbed onto both of Jesper’s hands and softly swung their arms as he spoke. “And that’s not true. It’s a little better now that you talked to me about it, right?”
“Yeah…” Jesper became acutely aware that his nose was running, he pulled a face when he made a particularly snotty noise but Wylan never made him feel bad for it. “I love you, you’re the best.”
“Thank you.” Wylan gave his boyfriend a reassuring smile and slid into him so Jesper’s arm was around his shoulder. They easily leaned into each other, continuing their walk around the craft store. “Guess what? I’m gonna get you a little drink and some madeleines.”
“Actually? Oh, hell fucking yeah,” Jesper pulled Wylan close and chomped at his throat lovingly, not sure how else to tell him how excited he was at the news. Wylan laughed loudly, softly patting Jesper’s cheek. “The things I wanna do to you in the sticker aisle, I’m weak for a sweet little treat.”
“You recover fast.” Wylan murmured, more fond than anything that Jesper could be crying one second and then promising to commit exhibitionism for a cake.
“We knew this.” Jesper gave him a wink, pulling his arm away from Wylan just enough to comfortably fit his hand around his neck, to get back at him for all the teasing he’d been doing.
“This is way fucking worse than me making a dick joke.” Wylan complained, as much as he could complain about Jesper being a massive fucking flirt and tease. “If you don’t get that big stupid hand away from my throat I’m going to make you call your therapist by yourself.”
“Don’t be mean,” Jesper whined, putting his arm back around his boyfriend’s shoulder like he hadn’t done anything. “Phone calls are scary, booking appointments are scary. I’ll behave.” He stood up straight to prove his point and Wylan snorted.
“This is why we need each other. Talking face to face is so scary, I don’t need to think about making eye contact on the phone.” Wylan purposefully skipped the sticker aisle but Jesper hadn’t been paying attention, distracted by the bead organizers on another wall.
“I want to go to the front desk and talk to the receptionist, or better yet, normalize showing up at medical professionals' houses to have a chat.” Jesper said as he poked at whatever container he could reach, fascinated with the closing clasp.
“Ways to assure you’ll get blacklisted, or perhaps, a restraining order.” Wylan slowed down so Jesper could get another satisfying click in, before making eyes at the wall of clay.
“You make the evil phone calls, I tell people you asked for no pickles.” Jesper nodded, wandering into the aisle and poking an indent on a big block of clay somebody had already made before he got there. This was his loophole, that it wasn’t his fault, it was like that before him.
“If I leave you here for a second-”
“Why? What? Where are you going?” Jesper stopped touching the clay and got both hands on Wylan’s hip that was furthest from him, locking him in between his arms.
“The bathroom, honey.” Wylan breathed out, smoothing his hands up and down Jesper’s forearms but he didn’t look convinced.
“I can watch,” Jesper shrugged, caught Wylan’s eye and then smiled. “The door, I can watch the door.” Even though both of them knew that is not what he meant, but just a quick save.
“I just thought you’d be occupied.” Wylan pointed at the block of clay with a growing thumb mark in it and Jesper narrowed his eyes.
“I really am a dog, huh? Like when you fill up a chew toy with peanut butter to distract them.” Jesper mumbled and Wylan blinked at him.
“I don’t know, I've never had a dog.” Wylan untangled himself from Jesper’s arms and made for the bathrooms at the back of the store, and Jesper followed without fail.
“Reporting for duty.” Jesper blamed Kaz for this, that he’d been making fun of him so much about it that it was all he was thinking about.
“Do you even need the bathroom?” Wylan peeked around every corner they passed, eyeing art supplies he didn’t need but wanted so badly.
“Nah, but I need you.” Jesper answered simply, he’d perfected the art of sitting on bathroom counters waiting for Wylan to finish his business.
They’d picked up all the supplies Wylan needed for his project, and he’d mentioned it before but not in great detail. So Jesper happily listened to Wylan basically reciting the rubric to him because he’d read it so many times out of general nervousness to do the wrong thing that he’d remembered it.
Jesper carried the little plastic bag all the way back to campus where they’d settled down at the cafe Nina worked at. They didn’t need to order because she’d seen them while making a latte for somebody else and gasped loudly, thrilled to see them while she was working.
Nina loved to be paid to talk to her friends, and she took full advantage of that by making Wylan and Jesper follow her down the counter as she made their drinks. They gossiped about her coworkers that had already gone home and weird orders she’s gotten and she danced around the topic of Jesper’s disappearance because she could see it in his eyes. That he was hoping she didn’t ask, so she didn’t.
Jesper got his little drink, with extra whipped cream and sprinkles on top. They’d sat down on a little couch tucked in the corner, because Jesper wanted to be touching Wylan the whole time. They were going to wait out the last half hour of Nina’s shift and then go for dinner together, Inej would be here in about forty and everything would be fine.
Wylan bought more than enough madeleines because they’d be going to waste so close to closing and because he was sharing with all his friends. Jesper could have eaten them all if Wylan didn’t remind him he had to save room for dinner and that he’d upset his tummy.
Nina had clocked out to find Jesper curled up into Wylan’s side, completely knocked out because it had been a big day and he deserved a little nap. Wylan was going over the Google Doc that he’d planned his project out on, even though the professor had agreed this was an excellent mockup, Wylan figured he could do even better.
After taking a few pictures, Nina had to get them off the couch because the cafe was closed and she was not ready to lose her job to sleepy boys. Inej joined them, apologizing for the state of her hair because she didn’t have time to do it when all her friends agreed it looked perfect.
They’d decided through a series of glances alone that this would be a night to distract, nobody said a thing about what Jesper may or may not have been doing. It had been tough to explain himself once, he didn’t think he could sit through it again, it was too soon.
Wylan held his hand through as much of the dinner as he could, and this seemed to be enough to ground Jesper in the present. That it was going to be okay and asking for help hadn’t made anybody hate him.
Jesper got to thinking that maybe nobody had disliked him the whole time, that the four of them around a table sharing food was clear evidence he was well-liked. He’d have to bring it up in therapy, but he was so forgetful. So he whispered it in Wylan’s ear because he had a better memory, was better about getting things done.
Nina cheered when Wylan kissed Jesper, he flushed bright pink but typed a reminder into his phone. Inej was looking around to make sure they wouldn’t get kicked out for being rowdy, for Nina being rowdy, but the staff knew them well-enough. This was their usual hangout, a casual little family owned restaurant the drunk college kids flocked to like moths to a flame.
“So what breed of dog would everybody be?” Jesper offered a topic of conversation and both Nina and Inej gawked at him, more wondering what was going on in his mind because they had been talking about how the school library system worked.
Wylan knew it was going to come up in conversation, because he knew Jesper and knew Kaz had bothered him. So he had an answer prepared, and Jesper thought it was still, insanely attractive, no matter the topic.
Thought that Wylan would continue to be the prettiest, inside and out. That his boyfriend had thousands of tiny stars in him and they shone through when he smiled or laughed or told somebody he loved them.
Jesper knew he could taste something sweet whenever he kissed him, maybe it had been stardust, this whole time.