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Buck never had a concrete plan.
He just knew he had to leave, like Maddie had.
Buck hated it, hated feeling constricted by his parents despite the fact they were never there, trapped underneath their roof and feeling himself become more and more disconnected by them as the years went by. Buck never said it, not at the time - couldn’t bear to say the words out loud, caught up in the magnitude of what they held and what they could mean. Maddie left and Buck felt abandoned by the one person he was always able to count on.
It was her and him, it was them, they were a team but she left and Buck couldn’t figure out how to do it by himself. He never hated her, couldn’t bring himself to - she’s his sister, his ride or die in every single sense of the word.
She told him to leave, handed her the keys to the Jeep and he did even if leaving her behind killed him inside.
Leaving took him anywhere and everywhere before finding Los Angeles, before finding the LAFD, before finding the 118 and finding Eddie Diaz.
It wasn’t part of the plan - letting Eddie become so intertwined in his life that he couldn’t breathe for those few seconds he let himself become lost in the what if I never became a firefighter moments. The moments where he lets himself disappear into his own head, thinking about if he’d just stayed in Virginia Beach, if he’d stayed on the ranch - if he hadn’t gone to Peru and been convinced to head to Los Angeles. Moments that could’ve changed the trajectory of Buck’s life completely, it scares him.
The thought of a life without Eddie and Christopher in it, it downright terrifies him.
Turning the key in the lock; Buck opens the front door to the Diaz house and closes it behind him, already calling out Eddie’s name before he’s even stepped off the doormat and receiving a kitchen shout back in response.
The kitchen is a mess, there’s twenty-something bowls across the counters and kitchen table (not an exaggeration), there’s flour dusting every visible surface and the sound of a wooden spoon hitting the side of a plastic bowl just as batter flies out and lands on the floor at Buck’s feet.
“Why did I let you talk me out of buying cupcakes and putting them in a fancy dish?” Eddie asks in lieu of greeting, turning to look over his shoulder at Buck.
There’s batter on his cheek and a dusting of flour in the longer strands at the front of his hair as he turns back around, laying a hand on Christopher’s shoulder to check on the batter he’s been mixing up.
“Because it’s cheating.” Buck offers in response, side-stepping the mess on the floor to sidle up to Christopher’s side. “It’s a bake sale not a store bought sale.”
He ignores the side-eye that he gets in return from Eddie.
“Why - why can I smell burning?” Buck asks, wrinkling his nose and looking around the kitchen, his eyes landing on a baking tray on the other counter with charred cupcakes. “First attempt?”
He hears Eddie laugh slightly before regaining his composure. “And second. This is the third.” He gestures to the bowl that Christopher has in front of him.
“It’s a good thing you called me.” Buck agrees, referring to the SOS text that Eddie had sent him almost an hour ago begging for him to come around because, and he quotes i need backup for when we set the house on fire.
Buck thought it was an overreaction but clearly not.
After putting the cupcakes into the cases - the last cases they have - having wasted the others on the burnt ones, they go into the oven and Buck sets the timer.
“Maybe… I should’ve let you cheat.” Buck relents, drying one of the freshly cleaned bowls that Eddie hands to him, hands wrapped in the dish towel before he places it aside.
“You can’t cheat at a bake sale, Buck.” Eddie reminds him, raising his eyebrows as a smile pulls at the corners of his mouth. “I think it’s impossible to cheat at a bake sale.”
“Oh yeah? When I was nine, Maddie and I forgot to bake the cookies we were going to because my parents were - uh - going through something again so the morning of the sale, we bought a twenty pack of cookies and this other kid’s mom started accusing me of buying them in front of everybody because they tasted too good to be homemade and so all the teachers and parents started sharing the cookies between them and agreed that they were too nice to be made by me so they asked me to leave . ” Buck retells the story, laughing slightly as he drags the towel around the rim of another bowl. “Don’t believe me?”
“No, I believe you.” He draws out slowly, raising his eyebrows despite being still somewhat unconvinced.
“Oh - uh - you still have a-” Buck starts when he notices the batter that’s still stuck to Eddie’s cheek.
Eddie stills as Buck reaches up to wipe it off with his thumb, he can feel Eddie’s breath touching his hand, it’s warm and Eddie can’t tear his eyes away from Buck’s, watching him carefully as he reaches forward, almost touching his cheek, red from the heat coming from the oven. The timer goes off a second later causing the pair of them to spring apart like they were attempts one and two of the cupcakes. Buck swallows thickly as he clumsily reaches for the timer, knocking it backwards at first before turning it off as Eddie quickly moves to take them out of the oven.
“Not burnt.”
“Not burnt.” Eddie echoes him.
“They’re ready…” Christopher grins walking into the kitchen, missing the way that Eddie is leaning against the counter by the fridge, arms crossed over his chest watching the way Buck is determinedly looking at the burnt cupcakes they still haven’t discarded. “Can we decorate them now?”
An hour of letting them cool and decorating later and a kitchen back to looking like it had when Buck walked into it, they finish decorating the cupcakes as well as a second batch that they manage to pull together with the limited ingredients they had left.
“I’m never baking again, not for as long as I live.” Eddie swears, promises as he drops onto the couch and immediately kicks his feet up to rest at the edge of the coffee table. “At least the kitchen’s clean.”
“Yeah, at least.” Buck murmurs, he brings a bottle of beer to his lips and takes a long drag.
Decorating the cupcakes had been quiet to put it lightly, Eddie and Buck sitting opposite each other decorating their own group of cupcakes wordlessly, Christopher mostly filling the silence between the three of them. He never mentioned the fact that he was the only one talking, he didn’t ask why Buck and Eddie weren’t laughing and joking with each other like they had been moments earlier. Both of them know he was thinking it though.
Eddie turns the TV on and starts flicking through the channels until he comes to a movie, an old one - black and white and at least halfway through, neither of them care about it but if they have to sit in the silence for a second longer - Eddie thinks he might just go insane.
The silence stretches longer, too long for Buck when the last remnants of comfort, of ability to stick out the awkwardness disappears and he’s angling his body to face Eddie who has taken to actually watching the movie on TV or at least pretend to be so he doesn’t notice Buck’s eyes on him.
“That was weird.” Buck breaks it, pressing his thumb over the top of the bottle and extending his arm across the back of the couch. “Not just me, right?”
Eddie can only offer a small laugh in response and shake his head, pressing his lips into a thin line and scrunches his face up, tilting his head to the side, he sucks in a sharp breath catching Buck’s eyes.
“It was weird.” Eddie confirms. “Doesn’t mean anything.”
Buck swallows down how taken aback the comment makes him feel, an uneasy feeling starting to twist in his stomach, something he doesn’t completely understand as he grasps the couch cushion between his fingers tightly enough that he starts to feel them tense. He doesn’t care, Eddie’s right, it doesn’t mean anything. Buck turns away from where he’s still watching Eddie engrossed in the movie, how there’s still a light dusting of flour in his hair and the light from the TV crosses his face in light beams, against his jaw, across the bridge of his nose before he’s in darkness again.
“Doesn’t mean anything.” Buck mutters and doesn’t mean for how bitter it comes out with another swig of beer.
***
The three of them go to the Santa Monica Pier at least twice a month now, they avoided it for so long after the tsunami hit and Buck avoided it for longer than they did, hating the way his chest would tighten when he even thought about it for a second too long.
He’s aware of how therapeutic it’s supposed to feel, sitting on the beach with the sand between his toes and looking out to the water, knees brought up to his chest and winding his arms around them.
“It still affects you, doesn’t it?” Eddie asks gently, voice almost getting lost in the sound of the children surrounding them and music coming from somewhere to their left.
Eddie drops down to sit on the sand with him, mirroring Buck’s positioning and letting his arms rest against his knees as he turns to look at him, the concern in his eyes hidden behind his sunglasses but Buck knows it’s there.
It makes him feel strange, the way that Eddie is looking at him as though he’s ready to catch him if he falls, like he knows that Buck is going to fall.
“Sometimes. I don’t even think about it but it’s just-”
“- There.” Eddie finishes for him, lifting his hand to rest it against the back of Buck’s neck, palm flat and fingers splayed just below his hairline. “It’s always going to be there.”
Buck doesn’t reply, he just sits and looks out at the water trying to focus on the feeling of Eddie’s hand - firm, reassuring, grounding - still on the back of his neck. Christopher is barely two metres in front of them, turning around occasionally to just check that they’re still in the same position they were.
“I wish it wasn’t.” Buck admits quietly, unsure of even if Eddie heard him.
He did. It’s Eddie, of course he heard him.
“I wish it wasn’t there. I wish it never happened.” Buck murmurs but doesn’t dare take his eyes off the waves lapping against the shore, how calm, how serene it looks in the sun. “It’s there though, it hits me here-” Buck shoves at his chest, hand trembling but barely as he drags his eyes away from the water to Christopher.
Eddie follows Buck’s eyes and lifts his sunglasses up to rest atop his head, exhaling slightly shakier than he had before. There’s still some unspoken words about what happened that day, there’s things that Buck wants to say but would never let see or be heard in the light of day.
Buck flinches slightly at the movement of Eddie’s hand that he forgot was still resting delicately on the back of his neck, how he feels Eddie’s thumb rubbing in a circle motion at the base of his hairline, catching the longer strands of hair there, twisting them.
“Evan-”
That causes Buck to snap his eyes away and turn to face Eddie so quickly that for a second he thinks he’s given himself whiplash.
“- It happened, okay? It happened and that’s something you can never forget but you both survived, hell, you saved each other that day and that is what you need to hold onto.” Eddie’s tone is firm, gentle and hits Buck in the exact place that he was aiming for.
Eddie flicks his gaze from Buck’s face down to his chest where his hand had only been seconds earlier.
Silence between them passes in the sound of children screaming around them, in the sound of the water, in the sound of their heartbeats before Buck nods.
“Yeah. Yeah.” Buck breathes out.
Eddie presses his fingers against Buck’s neck, it’s reassuring, it’s something that Buck breathes in and focuses on until Eddie’s hand drops completely back to his side and the wind hits the back of his neck instead.
***
Eddie passes off a woman into the arms of another firefighter for evacuation as the flames continue to engulf the last apartment on the fifth floor.
Eddie lifts the man up, carefully pulling his arm around his shoulders and finding a tight, firm grip on him. He hears his throat raw from desperately pulling the limited oxygen left on the floor into his lungs and Eddie moves so he can grip him properly, holding him steady.
“We’re going to get you out of here, yeah?” Eddie says to the elderly man that’s currently clinging onto him for dear life, wheezing and dragging his feet across the floor of the apartment that’s currently up in flames.
“Buck-”
“- I’m behind you, go!” He shouts through the mask, “get him out of here!” Buck yells, putting out the fire as Eddie pulls the man through the doorway.
The stairs down are winding and it’s a struggle with how much he’s coughing, the heavy rasping coughing, gasping for breath and how he’s hanging onto Eddie’s shoulders.
“Diaz, Buckley? Your status?”
Bobby’s voice comes crackling through the radio, staticy and hard to hear but Eddie manages to grip his radio, hits the button and says they’re coming out.
Except, Buck doesn’t answer as Eddie makes it to the last few steps of the stairwell and pulls the man out through the open door into the street as he passes him off to Chimney and Hen.
“Where’s Buck?!” Bobby’s voice booms across the street as he approaches Eddie “you said he was with you?”
Eddie spins on his heel and looks back up to the building where the fire is diminishing by the second, he hears Bobby’s voice echoey in his ears as he calls out Buck’s name again asking for an update.
“He was - he - Buck.” Eddie splutters out, his ears are thumping and for a split second he lets a thought cross his mind.
A split second, thoughtless or maybe he’s thinking too much.
But Eddie doesn’t wait around for an answer and he’s taken off running back towards the apartment building before Bobby can finish shouting out an order for him to stop, Eddie takes the stairs two, three steps at a time before he makes it back to the fifth floor.
“Buck!” He screams at the top of his voice, boots crunching against fallen debris. “Buck!” He tries again as he checks every room, pulling himself over a broken cabinet.
“Eddie?! Help me with this!” He hears Buck call out from nearby,
Quickening, Eddie rounds the corner where Buck is lifting up a teenager, a pizza delivery kid out cold and pulling one of his arms around his shoulder.
“How did you find him?”
“Heard him before he knocked out.” Buck breathes out, laughing shakily.
There’s a bleeding wound just underneath the kid’s hairline so Eddie radios down before he takes Buck’s other side and winds the kid’s other arm around his shoulders as they carefully make their way out, Eddie shouting Hen’s name before they’re even out into the cool air. They carefully lift him onto a gurney before letting themselves breathe.
“Diaz - I ordered you not to go back in there.” Bobby says sternly, approaching the both of them determinedly “but Eddie, it was a good call, glad you did and Buck-”
“- I know, Cap.” He smiles, it’s almost cheeky, definitely adrenaline-fuelled.
Bobby relents and walks away satisfied. Eddie doesn’t even take a second to turn to Buck and shove him hard on his shoulder, sending him stumbling back a step or two.
“You said you were right behind me.” Eddie bites lowly under his breath, it lacks any kind of maliciousness though, it comes out desperate, it comes out with something else entirely laced into the words. “Don’t do that to me again.” Eddie pleas and this time he doesn’t care that it comes out sounding frightened.
Buck runs his tongue across his bottom lip and flicks his gaze to Eddie’s face, letting it linger there for a few moments wordlessly as something not too dissimilar from a smirk curves at the corners of his mouth.
“Worried about me?”
“Shut up.” Eddie groans and doesn’t stick around to listen to Buck laughing after him either.
(He doesn’t shake off Buck’s hand when it hits his shoulder though, it’s firm and when Buck’s fingers press into his shoulder blade Eddie sinks into the touch).
(He definitely doesn’t feel bad about the second shove to Buck’s chest once they make it over to the engine though, thinks he might actually deserve it, but Buck just grins at him and Eddie finds it hard to feel anything but relief wash over him).
***
“Thank you, thank you, you’re my lifesaver, Buck.” Maddie says, walking through the front door to Buck’s loft with Jee on her hip and a bag on her other shoulder that she shrugs off and hands to her brother.
“Mads, it’s fine - we’re going to have fun, aren’t we?” Buck smiles gently, reaching forward and tickling underneath Jee’s chin causing her to giggle and squirm in Maddie’s arms trying to get out and reach for Buck.
“She has everything - I think - I’ll be back as soon as I can, the appointment shouldn’t be too long but it took me ages to get it and I didn’t think I’d actually get one-”
“- Maddie.” Buck interrupts trying to hide his amusement at his sister’s crazed, rushed out words. “Breathe and go, we’re going to be fine.”
Maddie tilts her head to the side, taking a breath and nodding before reaching forward to kiss Jee’s forehead murmuring bye baby girl into her hair before mouthing thank you to Buck and leaving the loft.
They colour in, Buck lets himself be dragged around by his niece throughout the loft and the balcony, her tiny hand gripping his like she never wants to let go. They build a fort out of cushions and pillows and the duvet from Buck’s bed in the living room and put on a movie whilst eating chicken nuggets.
Buck reads the reply to the picture he sent Eddie of the fort and immediately rolls his eyes at him criticising the stability of the structure because of course that’s what he says.
“Buck, sad?” Jee’s voice is a quiet, bumbling whisper as she tugs on his arm until she can pull herself to her feet and press a clumsy hand to her Uncle’s face.
Buck doesn’t realise he’s frowning, lost and distracted from the movie on the TV until she asks, until a two year old realised that he wasn’t paying attention. Buck shakes his head at her and winds his arms around her until she can lift his niece up and set her down on his lap letting her settle back into his chest, she pushes her hair out of her face and tilts her head back so that she can get a better look at him.
“If I tell you a secret… you’re not going to tell anybody, right?” He asks her, leaning closer to her face and waiting for her to wildly shake her head.
Buck lifts her up and turns her around until she’s sitting on his lap looking up at him, curiously studying him with her lips pouted as she rests her hands on Buck’s arms and presses down.
“I think I like Eddie. Crazy, right? Maybe not.” Buck breathes out and laughs when he can’t quite believe he’s said the words out loud, he flicks his gaze from his niece to the TV and watches as the Princess dances with the Prince before back down at Jee. “You’re going to understand what that feels like one day but maybe-” Buck stops himself and scrunches his nose up when he smiles at her. “- Maybe, wait a few years, you don’t want to put your dad into early retirement.”
Maddie comes to pick Jee up later into the afternoon, she’s still a little hazy and dazed from her nap inside the fort as Buck cleared away some of the dishes.
“Fort? Nice” Maddie approves, lifting her daughter up and saying hi. “Did you have fun, baby?” Maddie coos,
“Yeah, mama.”
Jee runs around the living room, picking up cushions and playing with some of her toys still scattered around the floor.
“So, the fort? Your idea or hers?” Maddie asks but she already knows the answer.
Buck slides a mug of coffee across the counter to her, she wraps her hands around it, linking her fingers together as Buck breaks and laughs first.
“It’s an essential part of childhood.” Buck offers in explanation.
Maddie doesn’t say anything, she just scrunches her nose and nods thinking about the times that they’d camp out in her room or Buck’s, overlapping blankets hung and the lamps from their bedside table brought to the floor to light the inside and a movie playing on the TV to drown out the sound of their parents arguing downstairs.
“Eddie thought it was going to collapse.” Buck says without thinking, unsure why he needed to bring that up.
“Clearly he’s never experienced a Buckley fort. They withstand anything.” Maddie smiles, an unspoken message in her words.
Buck raises his mug and knows exactly what she means.
It’s only when they’re packed up and ready to leave after saying bye, Maddie has her hand on the front door does Jee look back over her shoulder and wave to Buck.
“Eddie.” She murmurs out, giggling to herself.
Maddie raises her eyebrows and follows her daughter’s line of sight to where Buck is leaning against the kitchen counter, a blank expression on his face.
“Eddie was actually here?” Maddie asks,
“Nah.” Buck shakes his head but the ghost of a smile starts to curve at the corners of his mouth. “We were just talking about him.”
He winks at his niece before pressing a finger to his lips and watches them leave.
***
Buck runs.
He used to think about running away as a kid - he did, more than once but Maddie always found him - it’s not like he’d get too far anyway. There was a park not too far away from where they lived and a tree hidden off to the side of the playground that he’d climb and sit in to watch the world go by.
He used to sit in the tree for hours, wrapping his arms around himself as he’d watch parents play with their young kids, pushing them on the swings and catching them at the bottom of the slide and he used to feel jealous. Used to wonder why his parents never did that.
After the first couple of times; Maddie always knew where he’d run off to and come to coax him out of the tree as soon as it started to get dark and he’d always go with her. She’d always walk him home, her arm around his shoulders and diverting the topic of conversation when he’d ask why she came to find him instead of mom or dad. They both knew the answer to that question though.
Running always makes him feel free, it burns the hurt and anger that has burrowed itself deep inside him, his lungs screaming for oxygen, the soles of his running shoes slamming against the sidewalk as he rounds another corner. Running away from his problems never solved anything, at least not fully, but it does bring him to Eddie’s house.
Subconsciously, maybe deliberately.
Buck can’t pinpoint the exact moment that Eddie became it. When he became the first person that Buck would think of whenever something hit him where it hurt, whenever a piece of his past would rear its ugly head and knock him off balance, to shake him to his core. Eddie became Buck’s comfort and Buck only realises it when he lets the words tumble from his lips in a mess of breathless shaking and pleading eyes.
“I need you.”
Eddie’s breath catches in his throat when Buck all but falls against him, gripping the back of his sweater and pulling at it, sweat pooling at the base of his hairline, shaky breaths that vibrate against Eddie’s neck.
Eddie holds him up, keeps him straight when all Buck wants to do is give in to his legs wobbling underneath him, Eddie keeps him upright. Eddie keeps him from falling.
Eddie doesn’t push him, doesn’t play an impromptu game of twenty questions - not like this - not when Buck can barely utter a word.
Hours pass in a blur, of long stretches of silence and the odd murmured word. Hours pass of Buck drifting in and out of sleep, curled up into a corner of the couch and his head slipping further and further down until it bounces off the arm. Hours pass in Eddie watching over him, chewing on his bottom lip and trying to figure out what’s going on inside Buck’s head.
“My parents turned up unannounced.” Buck’s voice is hoarse after hours of not using it, his eyes barely moving from the spot on the wall behind the TV. “It shouldn’t have felt like this - things are better, I think, the talk helped but I still felt-” Buck runs his tongue across his lip, breathes heavily but doesn’t dare tear his eyes away from that one spot on the wall.
There’s nothing on the wall but Buck stares at it determinedly, through sleep hazed eyes.
“- I wish they hadn’t turned up. They’re not the type of parents that just turn up out of the blue because they want to see their kids.” Buck explains, he keeps his voice steady and each word feels calculated to the point where Eddie begins to wonder if he rehearsed it. “I don’t want them here. At least not without warning.”
“Does Maddie know? That they’re here?” Eddie asks him, his voice sounds loud across the room but Buck is unmoving.
“She will. I know they probably called her and told her I just walked out.” Buck’s voice is still scarily even.
The question sits delicately and dangerous on the tip of Eddie’s tongue; he knows the answer, he’s almost certain he knows what Buck is going to say when he asks it but it’s stuck, tantalisingly close to being asked, closing the bridged gap between them that’s started to crumble anyway.
“Did you come straight here from your place?” Eddie asks before he can stop himself.
A ghost of a smile plays on Buck’s lips and his shoulders fall underneath the release of tension built up as he looks across to Eddie, lets his gaze linger on him for a moment too long and murmurs into the distance.
“What do you think?”
It’s answer enough, it’s something to hold close to and Eddie doesn’t fight the warm feeling that engulfs him, that wraps around his heart and helps him breathe easier.
Buck turns on his phone to missed calls, lots of missed calls from Maddie especially with panicked texts that keep coming and he slips into the kitchen to call his sister back to reassure him he’s not dead.
They pick up Christopher from school together and the moment that Christopher’s face lights up after seeing Buck beside his dad, Buck thinks he might just be okay. He hugs him, holds him tighter than usual and Buck presses his hand to the back of his head, ruffles his hair and tells him he’s so happy to see him.
Maddie texts him later into the evening to inform him that their parents have left to check into a hotel and the loft is safe to go home to but Buck doesn’t go, an unspoken agreement between him and Eddie has Buck settling into the living room with no plans to leave.
Eddie knows he’s built walls up; long before Shannon died, the walls up high, unable to crash through - never letting himself crumble underneath him, years of rather drowning in his own feelings that admit what sits on his mind. He kept them up, built them higher after she died, for Christopher’s sake, for his sake but Buck -
Buck crashed into his life in a way that Eddie never expected anybody to and ignited a warmth inside him that he didn’t think he could possibly feel, Buck fit into his and Christopher’s lives like he was the missing puzzle piece. Somewhere along the lines, Buck took a hammer to those walls, smashing them, knocking them down, pulling brick by brick away until he managed to irrevocably find his way into Eddie’s heart.
“I need you too.” Eddie admits quietly, “Chris needs you, we need you.”
He hears Buck inhale sharply instead of seeing it. Eddie closes his eyes and lets his head roll back against the back of his couch, trying to calm how hard his heart feels like it’s beating against his chest, rattling hard and like it might jump out at any moment.
He feels Buck’s hand against his own, a tender touch of fingers brushing against his where they rest in the empty space in the middle of the couch. He feels the squeeze of his fingers between Buck’s and releases the breath he didn’t realise he was holding.
“I’m not going anywhere.” Buck promises.
Eddie believes him. He lets himself believe him.
It should terrify him but it doesn’t.
***
“You really worried me.” Maddie snaps at him when she pulls open the apartment door before reaching forward and tucking herself into Buck’s arms. “I thought - I don’t even want to think about it anymore.”
Buck holds onto her, eyes screwed shut and tries to apologise, tries to force the words out but they’re stuck and all he can do is pull her closer.
“You don’t need to say it.” Maddie reassures him, her voice shakes and Buck is pretty sure she’s going to start crying. “I know, I know, Evan. I told them it was best to stay at a hotel and call next time.”
The thing about Buck and Maddie, they really are each other’s ride or die.
Buck almost tells her about Eddie. Almost.
***
Buck loves the days he has with Christopher.
This isn’t one of them. They’re at the zoo - that much stays the same but for the fourth time in as many minutes -
“Is tía Pepa going to be okay?” Christopher asks, stopping in front of the sea lions and watching them through the water.
“Your dad said she just had a fall, she’s fine, she’s talking to him and they’re going to let her go home later.” Buck promises, reiterating the text that Eddie had sent him word for word, his hand resting on Christopher’s shoulders. “He even said that once the doctors have finished, he’s going to call so you can see for yourself, yeah?”
Christopher hesitates before mumbling a satisfied okay amongst the sound of a baby crying after getting spooked by one of the sea lions. Buck looks over, watches as the baby calms down and becomes curious by the creature in front of her.
“I want to see the jaguars.”
So, that’s exactly what they do. They take turns to roll facts off each other, to see who knows the most - it becomes a competition that Buck doesn’t mind losing. They grab snacks and sit at a table opposite the giraffe enclosure when Buck feels his phone vibrating, a video call from Eddie.
“Hey, buddy, it’s your dad - want to talk to him?”
Christopher brightens up and reaches for Buck’s phone, hitting answer and gleefully calling out his dad’s name when it connects - the zoo Wi-Fi spotty and slow.
Buck squints in the sun and lets Christopher talk to Eddie and Pepa without interruption, he doesn’t mind - he’s watching the giraffes amble around instead until he feels a continuous tap against his arm and Christopher dragging out his name in a sing-song tone.
“Dad wants to talk to you.” Christopher says, handing him the phone and turning around to look across the zoo.
“Hey.” Buck greets once he has his phone back, shielding his eyes with his other hand. “Is she okay?”
Eddie moves off where he was standing when the chatter around him becomes louder until he can lean against a wall, somewhere quieter, the video freezing for a few seconds.
“Yeah, I’m taking her home in a little while - thanks for taking Chris to the zoo, I just didn’t want to have to bring him to the hospital, I didn’t want to upset him. I’m sorry I disrupted your day-”
“- I’m at the zoo on a Saturday afternoon, I didn’t have plans as good as this to begin with.” Buck grins, looking atop his phone to keep his eye on Christopher who hasn’t moved an inch. “Let me know when you get home and we’ll head home?”
“Sure, don’t come home with a bunch of toys from the gift shop again-”
“- You didn’t see his face!” Buck interrupts, face flushing red under the sound of his own voice as Eddie fights back a smile.
“Yeah, yeah, your kid is going to have you wrapped around their finger.”
It feels almost instinctive, the way that Buck looks over to Christopher at that moment.
He’s distracted by the sound of movement, of Eddie returning back to Pepa’s side and her pulling him closer to whisper something to him, something in Spanish that Buck can’t quite hear over the noise or figure out.
“I’ll text you when we’re leaving, yeah?” Eddie says, barely flicking his gaze to his phone before switching into Spanish and the call ends.
“Buck?” Christopher calls out, they’re slowly walking around the aquarium stopping at every tank when Christopher looks at Buck through the reflection in the glass. “You should tell dad.”
Buck pulls his eyebrows together and opens his mouth to ask what before stopping himself when Christopher turns around to look up at him properly, a knowing glint in the twelve year old’s eyes.
“You should.” Christopher pushes, like he’s hiding something, knowing something that Buck doesn’t.
“It’s not that easy.” Buck mumbles with a strong sigh, his hands on Christopher’s shoulders as they move to the next tank where the rainbowfish is.
If the both of them return home with two new toys, Buck and Christopher pretend not to see the feigned annoyance on Eddie’s face.
***
The end of another twenty four hour shift and Buck cannot wait to get home and let his head hit the pillow, he can’t remember the last time the 118 had a shift that hectic - probably more recent than he’s actually thinking.
Shutting the door of his locker, Buck sighs and leans against it - forehead pressed into the metal and letting his eyes flutter between open and closed for a few seconds to try and regain some energy, practically running on empty.
He hears them talking about breakfast but Buck just wants- needs sleep until the exhaustion in his bones doesn’t feel like they’re dragging his weight down. He does sleep, he sleeps until late into the afternoon - the sky already darkening over when he gets down to the kitchen and stifles a yawn.
He barely has a chance to make coffee when there’s a rapping knock against his door and Eddie’s voice filtering through. For a split second a thought crosses his mind - you can’t blame him, he pushes that thought straight to the back of his mind as he opens the door and Eddie strides in buzzing on energy.
“I just-” Eddie starts, flexes his hands at his sides before balling them into fists and releasing them “- need my tía Pepa to stop setting me up on dates. Do you know she tried to set me up with the nurse who discharged her?” Eddie puffs out a short laugh before dropping onto one of the bar stools at the counter. “I appreciate it.” Eddie continues, his tone softer now “but I really don’t want to be set up with just anybody.”
“Hi.” Buck greets, almost sarcastically as he rounds the counter and leans against it, eyes curling at the corners when Eddie glares at him in response. “A nurse…” Buck trails off, there’s a glimmer in his eyes, it’s cheeky, it’s annoying and it encompasses Buck in a way that twists Eddie’s heart harder than he already has.
“I’m not going on a date with the nurse.” Eddie deadpans and drops his head to the counter. “By all means, you go.” Eddie suggests and regrets it the second it slips from his laps because under no circumstances does Eddie want that or will he ever want that.
Lucky for him - Buck is already shrugging the idea off, a lost, almost thoughtful look in his eyes. Eddie has to tear his own eyes away from Buck, can’t afford to keep looking for a chance that Buck might catch him, that Eddie can’t force the feeling down any longer and spills out I love you in a craze, a friendship-altering, probably friendship destroying accident.
“You don’t want to be set up at all.”
It’s not a question. It is true though.
“Call me crazy but maybe I want to date someone who I have more of a connection with than someone who looked at me once in my tía Pepa’s presence.”
Eddie isn’t drunk, he’s tipsy and yes there is a difference. Hen’s birthday comes around quickly and so does a night in a bar filled with her loved ones, there’s terrible decisions, throwback hits and shots but Eddie isn’t drunk.
Buck might be, he’s also approximately a drink away from climbing onto the nearest table and dancing the night away or at least dancing to the nearest hospital.
Eddie watches him through a haze, pressed into the corner of a booth with Karen and both of them cannot bear to pull their eyes away from where Buck and Hen are -
“This is not dancing.” Karen comments, she sips her drink and grimaces when Buck spins into a random stranger.
“This is going to end badly.” Eddie snorts, blinking a couple of times to get rid of the glassiness in his eyes.
Both of them turn to each other -
“We need to get them.” They say at the same time before climbing out of the booth and going to find Hen and Buck before they’re spending the rest of her birthday in the emergency room.
“Alright.” Eddie chuckles, “you’re drunk, Buck.” He murmurs fondly, his hand sliding up to rest on Buck’s waist as the latter comes to an abrupt halt, eyes out of focus but there’s a dumb smile still plastered to his face.
“M’sober. Prove it.” Buck sways as he says it, disproving it immediately and all but stumbling against Eddie, catching himself with an arm wrapped around Eddie’s neck. “Little bit.” He mumbles, not putting up a fight and instead pressing his face into Eddie’s neck.
“Good enough. Let’s go outside.” Eddie grimaces when Buck’s entire body weight falls against him, he’s mumbling incoherent nonsense as Eddie leads the pair of them outside and to the nearest wall where he can put Buck. “Alright cowboy, I think you’ve had enough.”
“You - You’re such a-” Buck starts before confusing himself, staring at Eddie like he can’t quite figure him out and still swaying despite being sat down and with Eddie’s hand still firmly on his shoulder so he doesn’t hit the ground and knock himself out or something equally likely. “- You’re such a dad.” Buck hiccups, frowning as he stares directly at Eddie or possibly through him, he can’t be sure.
Eddie smiles a thin smile but it broadens into a wider one when Buck looks at him through glassy eyes, cheeks flushed bright red and he slaps his hand on top of Eddie’s that still lays on his shoulder.
“I think that’s because I am a dad, Buck.” Eddie’s not annoyed, he’s actually endeared and so desperately, desperately hopeless.
“I love you, man.” Buck slurs slightly, his lips are wet but he still runs his tongue across them twice more. “Love you.”
Eddie’s heart hammers against his chest but he forces the small shred of hopefulness back down to where it hurts, straightening his expression and kneeling down in front of Buck - the fresh air having no impact.
“Love you too, let’s go.”
Eddie calls for an Uber, Buck passes out against his shoulder once and again on Eddie’s couch and Eddie wonders how much longer he can go on like this.
Eddie doesn’t realise at what point he fell asleep on the couch but the remote hits the floor when he pulls himself upright, the TV long gone onto standby and the room engulfed in darkness.
Leaning forward, he rests his elbows on his knees and runs his fingers continuously through his hair, fluffing it up at all angles and stifling a yawn when he hears the knocking on the door.
He doesn’t have a clue what time it is, he knows it’s late and if this isn’t some kind of life threatening emergency - he might just slam the door in their face.
As it happens, he doesn’t slam the door in the face of the person on the other side of it because Buck is walking purposefully into the house before Eddie even has the door open fully and he stops dead in the hallway.
“Do you remember when you got shot?” Buck asks and Eddie really isn’t liking where this conversation is heading.
Instinctively, Eddie starts looking through every part of Buck’s body, searching for a gunshot wound before snapping himself back because Buck is telling him we’re talking about you.
“You are.” Eddie replies tiredly, “why are you bringing that up? Why is that important?”
“Because…” Buck trails off and all sense of purposefulness that had been emanating off him disappears and replaced by something else, nerves?
Buck wrings his hands together and smiles tenderly at Eddie, there’s something different in his eyes, a feeling that Eddie knows, that same look that Eddie has looked at Buck with times before.
“That’s when everything changed.” Buck breathes the words out like he’s been holding onto them his entire life. “When I thought I lost you, when I saw you hit the ground - it scared me… I just never realised how much.” He’s laughing now, his face twisted into something between relief, nerves and absolute terror.
The words hang in the air between them, filtering down slowly like stardust and sinking into every inch of Eddie’s body, the realisation dawning on him and he parts his lips unable to pull his gaze away from Buck.
Eddie has always been calculated, the man of the house growing up meant that everybody else always came first, he’s good at that. Eddie is good at doing anything for the people he cares about even if he suffers because of it because he loves them too much. Growing up, Eddie remembers how much it hurt when he fell into the background, how everybody loved him and tried to put him first but he never let them. Those walls weren’t just built up when Shannon left, those walls have been building since before he could even remember.
Except, Evan Buckley has just walked into his house and bulldozed them.
“I love you.”
Neither of them are sure who said it.
Buck slides his hands around Eddie’s neck, caressing his jaw with his thumbs and there’s a bubble of nervous laughter as he looks at Eddie, really looks at him, tenderness curving in the corners of his eyes, almost squinting because Eddie is gripping his sides like he never wants to let go.
“If after all that you think I’m going to be the one who kisses you-”
Eddie’s cut off by Buck closing the gap between them, moulding their lips together like it’s something they should have been doing their entire lives.
It feels like coming up for air after being held down underwater, it’s the sound of birds in the morning, it's the green grass that signals the start of spring, it’s the adrenaline that pumps through their veins after rescuing someone. It’s Eddie feeling his walls crumbling between his fingertips.
Eddie traces his fingers along Buck’s cheekbones, delicately touching the skin there like he’s going to disappear if he presses too hard, like he’s floating before he falls and hits the ground, like reality is going to come and snap him back.
They’re not sure who closes the gap a second time.
Buck is hovering over Eddie, fingertips tracing the healed gunshot wound before pressing his palm flat against it. Eddie connects their lips, hand sliding through Buck’s hair and down to the back of his neck, stilling there, pushing, firm, deliberate.
Buck kisses Eddie like he’s his lifesource, keeping him from falling apart like he always has.
The kiss slows to something else entirely, to languid moving of their mouths, to featherlight touches and losing themselves in whatever hour it is, to having all the time in the world and they hope they do.
Hell, they hope they have the rest of their lives for this.
“I love you.” Buck murmurs into Eddie’s skin, hard enough to try and imprint it there, wanting the words there forever, for Eddie to never forget them.
***
The rest of their lives are one thing, a twenty four hour shift, Hen and Chimney whispering and mentioning their names multiple times and undeniable tension and frustration is another.
Buck thinks he might die. He’d call that an overreaction if he could manage to drag his eyes away from Eddie throwing another punch to the punching bag without feeling every rational thought disappear in a poof from his head.
“What’s got you so tense, Buckeroo?” Hen sidles up to him, curiously looking at him before following his line of sight to where he’s still staring at Eddie. “Oh.”
“Hen? When did you get here?” Buck asks once he senses her presence and can’t look away quickly enough.
Hen is grinning at him though, something secretive flashing in her eyes as she curls her hands around the railings wordlessly, not that she needs to say anything because Buck is relenting before she’s even opened her mouth.
“I… yeah. There’s no explaining myself out of this one, is there?” Buck asks, lifting his hand to at least attempt to, resting it against his chin as Hen slowly shakes her head.
“Chim! Bet’s over, pay up.”
Buck follows Hen’s eyes over to where Chimney stops playing, holding the cue up straight and his face falls.
“I’m literally dating his sister, how did I lose?!” He shouts across the house, “how did I lose?” Chimney asks himself a few seconds later, his voice lowering to something just above a whisper.
Buck looks back down over the railings, Eddie’s stopped now and he’s drinking some water when he catches Buck’s eyes and winks.
The last twelve hours of shift can’t end quickly enough and Eddie barely has the key in the lock before Buck is crowding him up against it, cold hands sliding under Eddie’s sweater and kissing his neck.
Eddie has to turn to finally turn the key in the lock and shove open the front door, Buck practically tripping up over him, grabbing him by the waist to turn him around, kiss him again and kick the front door shut with one foot in one fluid motion.
It’s a surprise they make to the bedroom in all honesty.
Shirts discarded on the floor, Eddie flips their positions and pushes Buck down to the bed climbing on top of him. The kissing turns feverish, Eddie’s hands sinking into the mattress on either side of Buck’s head before he bites down on Buck’s shoulder eliciting a groan and a half-hearted, choked out fuck you.
Buck’s phone starts ringing from his back pocket and it takes all the strength Eddie has to try and pull Buck’s attention away from it, kissing him hard but Buck is still struggling underneath him to pull his phone out of his pocket.
“It’s Maddie.” He breathlessly puffs against Eddie’s bare shoulder. “I need - something could have happened - hey.” Buck answers and presses the phone to his ear, rubbing circles into Eddie’s hip with his other hand. “Mads - I’m kind of - busy - now.”
Eddie snickers and leans in to pepper kisses along Buck’s jaw. He can vaguely make out the conversation but stops abruptly, his mouth curled around the underside of Buck’s jaw when he hears it.
“Oh, no worries, I'll call you later, bye Evan… bye Eddie.”
“Wait - how did you?” Buck splutters, stopping her before she can hang up, exchanging a glance with Eddie who just pouts and shrugs.
“Your niece is as good at keeping secrets as her dad.” Maddie laughs into the other end of the line, finding the entire situation too amusing for her own good. “Bye guys.” She fucking giggles before hanging up.
Eddie drops his head to Buck’s shoulder, the sound of him laughing vibrating against Buck’s collarbone.
Buck isn’t having that though and he nudges Eddie’s jaw and pulls him down to kiss him again, hands roaming across his back.
After everything, he’s not letting his sister of all people ruin the damn moment.
***
Buck expects a massive change but life goes on the way it had, normally. The routine between work, Eddie and Christopher doesn’t change but now there’s lingering stares that they don’t try to hide, there’s not-so-secret touches, there’s sneaking off like teenagers to kiss.
Surprisingly, the thing that changes the most is how long it takes Buck to realise he’s sleeping in Eddie’s bed whenever he’s over, how he wakes up in a tangle of limbs and covering Eddie like a blanket.
It’s barely six thirty when Buck wakes up, Eddie cocooned in his arms and the blankets all twisted around their legs. Buck doesn’t fight the smile, tired and still warm from sleep as a slither of light makes its way through the blinds. For a minute, Buck just lies there on his back and looks through sleep hazed eyes at the ceiling fighting back every single urge to fall back asleep.
Eddie stirs for a moment before pushing his face further into the crook of Buck’s neck, tightening his arm wound around Buck’s waist.
Buck almost lets the warmth of Eddie’s body lull him back to sleep but instead he throws the covers off him, slides his arm carefully out from under his body and presses a gentle kiss to Eddie’s hairline before making his way out of the bedroom.
He’s just about to pour a mug off coffee when he hears footsteps and Christopher’s voice calling his name,
“Morning, Chris.” Buck greets, pouring the cup and immediately taking a sip despite the fact it almost burns his throat in the process.
“Buck…” Christopher drags his name out, sitting down at the table “why did you come out of dad’s room?”
Buck’s eyes grow wide and he’s almost too grateful for not having a mouthful of coffee at that precise moment. He’s even more grateful for Eddie traipsing into the kitchen fixing the collar of his t-shirt, hair fluffed up and stifling a yawn but stopping when he notices both of his boys looking at him. Christopher is curious, Buck is pleading.
“Morning?” Eddie offers, unsure of what else to say.
“Dad? Why is Buck sleeping in your room?”
Buck and Eddie share a glance before -
“Breakfast?”
“How about breakfast?” They both ask at the same time.
“He knows.” Buck whispers in Eddie’s ear, crossing over to the other side of him, a hand on Eddie’s waist, digging his fingertips into Eddie’s waist and feeling him squirm underneath the pressure.
Christopher, none the wiser, is eating his cereal and not paying the two of them any attention which causes Eddie to exhale a sigh of relief because his cheeks are bright red under Buck’s stare.
Once breakfast is over, Buck offers to wash the dishes whilst Eddie and Christopher get ready for the school run and he smiles down at the empty sink when he feels Eddie’s lips press to the back of his neck.
Buck finishes the dishes just in time for Christopher and Eddie to almost be ready to get out of the door and get to school and he hugs Christopher tightly, tells him to have a good day at school and when Eddie kisses him and ushers Christopher out of the door - Buck doesn’t envy the conversation on the way to school in the slightest.
God, he’s so in love.
Buck leaves. He used to run from place to place, never finding somewhere permanent to stay. He never wanted to stick around in one place, wanted to find adventures on every corner. If he didn’t run, he wouldn’t have ended up in Los Angeles, he wouldn’t be washing breakfast dishes in Eddie Diaz’s house after spending the night in his bed.
Buck has spent his whole life wanting to run away from his life before L.A., his home a place that was broken and he was the one constantly walking across the broken shards of his parents, of his childhood, of keeping himself together.
Sometimes Buck runs for no reason, sometimes he realises he’s been running to find a reason to stay, for a place to call home, people to call home.
Home isn’t his parents’ house, it’s not even his loft anymore. Home is Eddie and Christopher Diaz and for the first time in a long time, Buck feels like he can breathe freely.