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Eddie Diaz has felt lonely for as long as he can remember.
He's never been alone, not really. He has a numerous family so there was always someone close to him. He even had Shannon as his best friend before things fell apart. But he was a child who grew up in a house where the love that was handed to him came with the unsaid request to do more. Be a man, make us proud, and pray for absolution. Be a hero, be a better father, be enough, provide for your family, do better, and more.
It's isolating, to grow up feeling like you need to be more and more in order to be loved. He knows better now, of course he does. It has taken a lot of time but he's healing and learning, he knows that maybe one day he'll feel like he's enough.
He has a family in LA which he chose for himself, a whole support network he can rely on. He is rebuilding bridges with his family back in Texas, he has a wonderful kid who he loves with all his heart and he has a… Best friend? Partner? He has - He has Buck.
Right?
He knows he is not alone, but there is a hole in his soul, a weird-shaped hole that he tried to ignore at first.
It's not like he doesn't know one can live a life without a romantic partner and still be fulfilled, it's not like he doesn't think he couldn't do it if he never met the right person, he could live a great life with the people around him who already make him feel less lonely.
But he–he wants that kind of love. It was tough to admit, but now he knows how deep that want is when he looks at Buck.
It was a realization that hit him like a freight train and yet it felt inevitable. He knows when he looks at Buck and he feels warmer than the sun, when sometimes he'll look at him all golden and the world around him seems to disappear. He knows the kind of love he feels when he looks at his hands and knows that they're shaped to perfectly fit Buck's hands. He knows this kind of want when Buck puts his head on Eddie's shoulder and the weight feels like the one thing that was missing in him has found its place.
And Eddie - God, how he hoped.
He hoped and prayed that maybe Buck would feel the same way. That the love that ran so deeply in Eddie was running through Buck's veins too. He knew they weren't ready, but he felt like one day they would be. One day they'd leave the fear behind and take a step forward. One day the puzzle would be complete. He felt the possibility grow every day with every look across the station, with every time they were sitting or standing impossibly close, with every gesture of casual affection, with the hugs that lasted a couple of seconds too long.
Except now… Maybe he was dreaming too big, maybe he isn't what Buck needs or wants. It shouldn't surprise him, really. He is used to not being enough.
It still crushes his soul to hear it.
He wonders if he isn't made for it at all, for all this love that lives inside him. He asks himself in the quiet of the night why his love is so big and yet his loneliness feels just as gigantic. Sometimes he thinks maybe he wasn't built for a grand romance. Maybe his fate is to live his life holding the love of his heart inside a fist, carrying a love that'll be buried along with his cold body when his time comes.
He can't say he isn't afraid of having to carry his love when he's being lowered to the ground.
It wouldn't hurt as much if all he faced was rejection. But he didn't get rejected, not really. He never even confessed. Eddie knows and has made peace with the fact that if Buck was to find someone who loved him as he deserves, then he could be happy for him. He could spend the rest of his days as nothing but Buck's best friend. Hell, he could even move on, he could find someone. Maybe it wouldn't be love as strong, but they could make it work, and he could get a happy ending. But this?
The thing is, Buck is hurting. He sees it so clearly, he sees Buck once again settling, he sees him searching for answers and regressing. He sees Buck finding someone who only started to see him when she learned about his encounter with death and being okay with it because there are no other expectations to meet.
Buck needs someone who loves him, someone that'll glance into his soul and not feel overwhelmed by it. Someone who will look at the broken and lost pieces in him and love all of it, someone that knows, someone who sees.
Eddie loves him, and he knows he isn't the same since he came back - and he wouldn't expect him to be. And he loves him, regardless of how unlovable Buck thinks he is.
And Eddie sees him. He knows his habits, he knows his weird organization system in his kitchen drawers and on which side of the bed he prefers to sleep, depending on where he's sleeping. He knows which songs he sings the loudest and which foods he avoids because of the textures. He knows his terrors at night, the things that haunt him, he knows when to show up so Buck can be sure he and Chris are still breathing and safe. The validation he seeks, and the fears he's carried since childhood. And he knows how loudly he loves and how quietly he suffers, how deeply he cares, how patient he is with everyone, and how naturally curious he is.
Eddie sees him.
And Buck told him "She really sees me for who I am and what I've been through. I think she might even see more in me than I see in myself." He said that someone who is fundamentally a stranger saw him more than the people around him and even himself.
Eddie understands why he said it, there's a connection with death that now exists in Buck, a need for an understanding where maybe he can find a light with answers, and come to terms with his experience. And she wasn't close, she doesn't squirm at the mention of his death like all his loved ones, he understands the need for a separation. The need for someone who didn't love him before to still expect "same old Buck" to walk through the door.
It hurts Eddie to hear that maybe Buck feels like she can see him with all there is. She doesn't see him, not the way he does. He doesn't know him the way Eddie does. Not even the way Maddie or the 118 know Evan Buckley. Buck and all the point 0's. She could be good for Buck, in the long term, but still, there's a lot to Buck that she will never see or understand.
And she doesn't love him.
Maybe that's why…
"Eddie."
Eddie jumps a bit, blinking a couple of times and looking at his fingers where the condensation is dripping from his glass of cocktail. He looks up and sees Buck, Natalia, and Marisol looking at him expectantly.
"Sorry. What was that?"
"You okay man? We lost you for a second there."
He has a reason to be this distracted, with everything going on in his brain and the situation he's in.
About a month ago he bumped into Marisol. Buck and Eddie met her at a call and then helped her to patch up her house after their job poked a bunch of holes in the ceiling. They talked for a bit and have kept in touch for a while now, and when Buck found out, he invited them on a double date with Natalia. So Eddie did a very normal thing after spiraling for a week and accepted.
Buck doesn't know it's not a double date. He knows Marisol and Eddie are there together but - she is a lesbian. And he is gay. It's not a problem, they're out as friends but he didn't want to make things complicated by explaining and he hasn't come out and she agreed to lie a little for his own sake—
"Yeah, I just - got a little distracted. What were you saying?"
"We were asking if you were okay with ordering a pizza for everyone?" Buck asks with a frown and mouths "You okay?" He nods and agrees with the pizza, leading to them discussing some other things about the food, and as Buck is ordering Marisol turns to him.
"Hey, are you good?" He told her the whole story, which is why she agreed so Eddie wouldn't be "miserable" going out with just Buck and Natalia. She even offered to drive him in case he wanted to drown his problems in alcohol - which he won't. But it was still nice of her. He nods discreetly at her and she smiles, turning back to the table.
"So, I know these two are firefighters but, Natalia, what do you do?" Natalia smiles, lighting up when asked about her job.
"I'm a death doula. I accompany people in the process of accepting their death. That's actually why we bonded, he met death, isn't that cool?"
Cool. Eddie frowns and shifts uncomfortably in his seat.
"Wow, sounds interesting. And uh, what do you mean?"
"I died," Buck answers with a smile that he knows too well and it does something to Eddie's heart. "For three minutes, but–yeah."
"It's fascinating! I'm familiar with death, but only on our side of the veil. To cross the threshold and return is just - awesome, you know? It's not an experience people often come back to tell."
Those words again. It makes Eddie's blood boil. He tries to stop the words but apparently, he doesn't try hard enough.
"Awesome." He mutters. "That's hardly how I would describe it. It was actually pretty damn terrifying." He says and can't stop the bitter laugh that bubbles in his chest.
"Uh… Sorry, I just meant–" She says slowly and Buck, who looks taken aback, interrupts her.
"Eddie–"
"Sorry, no. I know what you mean." He says waving his hand in front of them, and if Buck's wince is anything to go by, he doesn't sound sincere. He isn't, but still.
He knows he shouldn't say it, every single one of the rational parts of his brain is telling him to swallow it and move on. But when the words begin to stumble, he doesn't stop them.
"Natalia, did you see the news about the firefighters who got shot?" He sees Buck's face fall and Natalia leans in with curiosity written all over her face. "I was one of 'em. For a second there I thought I was dying."
"How was it?" She asks, probably choosing her words more carefully after Eddie's reaction earlier.
"Nothing too spectacular, I don't remember much. There was… the pain, of course, but there's this second that I remember vividly before everything went dark. I thought this is it. I've had other near-death experiences but nothing like this, no. I've lived the 'life flashes before your eyes' thing, but this time everything happened so fast - and there was this moment where it seemed like time… slowed down." He looks at Buck dead in the eye for his next words. He points at him, who only looks back with an expression that for once is unreadable. "And all I wanted to do with the strength left in me was to reach out for him."
He's proud of his own voice when it doesn't falter, like he's telling nothing.
"The last thing I remember thinking is that I wanted to know if they shot him too." He says with a barely there chuckle, taking a breath. "Then I woke up at the hospital, a couple days later. But I didn't die, so. It was different, I guess."
Silence meets the table and Natalia looks ready to ask another question when his phone buzzes with a text, relief washing over him.
Marisol: Tell them that your aunt asked you for a favor or whatever you can come up with, we're leaving.
He clears his throat and looks at Buck and Natalia. "Sorry, I have to go, it's my tía Pepa. She's having trouble with the pipes and she's convinced the house will flood overnight if I don't check it out, and I've learned it is better not to say no. I'm so sorry, we were having a great night."
"Oh, I guess I have to go as well. I have to drive him, he didn't bring his truck. But I'm sure we can do this again sometime, without interruptions." Marisol says as she stands up.
"No, I can get an Uber–" She glares at him and Eddie nods, placing an awkward smile on his face. "Alright. It was nice meeting you, Natalia. And sorry again for interrupting the night."
"Hey, no worries! I know how tías can get. Have a great night, you two! It was great to meet you." Says Natalia as she stands to shake their hands.
"I'll walk you out," Buck says, speaking for the first time in a while, his voice raspy and lacking the usual Buck tone to his voice.
As they walk outside, Marisol whispers to him a quick 'good luck' before heading towards her car. Eddie looks at the sky and sighs.
"Eddie!" He doesn't stop walking despite Buck calling for him, until he feels a hand on his shoulder, forcing him to turn around. "Eddie."
"What?"
"What the hell was that?" He doesn't raise his voice, but he hears the exasperation in his tone.
"I told you, Pepa needs help and I have to go."
"I know that's a lie and you know I know that. And you know what I mean."
He shrugs. "Oh, what happened there?" He says gesturing vaguely at the restaurant. "Just figured I could talk about almost dying too, right? It was… What was it? Right, it was cool. Awesome and all that."
"It wasn't. You fucking know it wasn't."
"And seeing you hang lifeless from the top of the ladder was?" Stop. "But it's okay. Because you were dead so you didn't feel it. It's okay because she didn't feel your ribs give in with the chest compressions. Because she didn't feel the desperation of not knowing if I was ever going to see you again." He tries to laugh to prevent his voice from breaking, he isn't sure it works.
"That is the point, Eddie! I'm tired of every single one of you acting like I'm made of fucking glass, tired of everyone's look in their eyes when something about the lightning is even barely mentioned. It's a nice change not to feel like that when talking about it."
"Then why did you look like that when I talked about the shooting?" He doesn't answer and Eddie nods with a smile. "Right, of course." He begins to walk again and pauses a couple of steps in. He doesn't bother stopping the frustration leaking through his voice as he turns around once more to look at him. "She doesn't see you, you know? Not the way you think she does. But I do. I see you, Buck. And God, I lo—." He stops himself abruptly. Enough. "Goodnight, Buck."
He walks towards Marisol's car and Buck doesn't stop him, it's better that way.
"You want to talk about it?"
"I'd rather not. I'm sorry, you did me a favor, and I… Sorry."
"It's okay." She smiles at him and turns on the ignition, the ride home is silent.
Eddie feels the loneliness creeping its way back to take his hand, it's not as fatal and cold as Death's hand, but it feels more uncomfortable. It's foggy and vast, trapping him in cold blue with nothing but the echo of his own screams as company. It's a sad picture, and maybe he's the only one to blame for getting trapped there.
It's 2:33 in the morning when Eddie grabs his car keys and leaves the house. The entire night playing over and over again in his head. He knows he shouldn't have said what he said. He didn't even want to comment on it but the way she—
It's pointless, now. He knows that as hurt as he felt he shouldn't have done what he did, it was childish and stupid. But he did say it. And now he's on his way to apologize, because he can't exactly go on without at least trying to fix things.
The streets feel alive, even this late it feels like the city never rests. People walk and run by and some of them look tired and… Alone. Just like Eddie feels, and it eases his nerves a little, to not feel like the only one who can't force his thoughts to sleep.
He stands outside Buck's door, the key to his apartment pressed in his palm. He drops it back into his pocket and knocks quietly instead. Buck opens the door almost immediately, which means he was probably somewhere in the kitchen and that he wasn't asleep. He is wearing shorts and a hoodie, and his hair looks like a mess, probably from passing his fingers through it multiple times. Buck looks at him and, once again, Eddie can't fully read into his expression. He hates that he has to put up those walls because of him.
"Hey, I just–I'm here to apologize. And you have every right to tell me to fuck off but–please?"
He doesn't say anything but he moves from the door, letting Eddie come in. As soon as he locks the door he speaks and there's an edge to his voice that he can't quite place.
"You lied."
Of all things, Eddie wasn't expecting that. "What?"
"I asked you what you remembered about the shooting. You lied."
Eddie looks at Buck, the apartment only lit by the moon and lights from outside the window. He looks beautiful, it's not news for Eddie, he's caught himself staring at him more often than not. But there's something, his shoulders are tense like he's ready to bolt at any second. And he… It breaks Eddie's heart because he looks hurt, and lost. Searching for answers, searching, and searching. Eddie hates he's the cause of at least one of those. He looks away, staring at one of Buck's plants sitting on the kitchen island.
"I didn't–I wasn't supposed to tell you that. It was too…" Too raw. Too honest, too revealing. "If I was ever going to tell you, it wasn't supposed to go that way. I shouldn't have thrown it at your face like that, much less weaponized it. I'm just… It hurts to see you like this, Buck. But it's no excuse, I'm sorry."
"Do you remember asking me if I was hurt?" Eddie feels dizzy all of a sudden when his head turns to look at Buck.
"I remember–what?"
"I thought it'd be a blur. When the bombing happened or when I thought Maddie… the tsunami, all of those events. I don't remember them in detail, it feels weird in my brain, fuzzy around the edges like a dream. But when you got shot… I remember all of it, down to every second. You asked–you barely had any strength but you said 'Buck, are you hurt?' I didn't even know if I was." He says with a smile that doesn't reach his eyes which disappears as soon as it appears on his lips. "Told you I wasn't and you passed out. It was one of the worst days of my life. Funny how many of those involve losing you." Buck sighs and sits down, not looking at Eddie.
He doesn't say anything, the thought of breaking the silence making him nauseous. He doesn't know what to say, except now he looks at Buck and finds why the fear of loneliness is so strong recently.
There's something that's kept them connected from the very beginning. Eddie doesn't believe in fate or soulmates. But somewhere in his soul, he knows there's something tying them together, built of a line of intricate patterns that have brought their lives together. He feels it straining. It's an awful feeling in the pit of his stomach, he's never felt so close to Buck. So able to be vulnerable and open and yet he's never felt so outside the loop. Right now it's hard to see through his walls, he's never felt this close and so far away, it's a weird feeling.
"You weren't wrong, though." Eddie can't stop the shiver that travels through his back when he hears the words, stone cold from Buck. "You shouldn't have… but you weren't wrong. Because this thing happened to me and it was–it was traumatic, I guess. I don't even know how to talk and feel about it." He pauses looking outside the window.
"I don't feel comfortable talking about it with Natalia or with the 118. I don't see it as a cool experience, Eddie. I've been telling everyone again and again that I'm fine because I feel fine." A beat. "I know I'm not. I just don't know how to go from here to wherever 'there' is. And I'm trying but I just…" He trails off looking at his hands.
"I know how hard it is, Buck. You're allowed to take time and to heal, whatever that road looks for you. I just don't want you to get hurt."
"My whole life, Eddie, my entire life I haven't felt seen, not the way I want to. I see that you guys love me but my brain can't even comprehend that sometimes. And you love someone who I don't know if it's there anymore. And Natalia, she saw past that. I don't have to worry about the why of things with her. She's met this version of me, I don't have to try and be someone who is no longer there with her because, this? Whoever I am now? It's all she sees and knows. She wasn't going to leave for that specific reason, at least. Why couldn't you be happy for me?"
"I thought you felt… Well, no. I only hoped." He admits quietly and shakes his head. "Sorry, no. I want you to be happy, Buck. I do, more than anything. I just… If you are sure she sees you, doesn't matter how it is, make sure she makes you happy, and make sure you're making the right decision. Make sure you don't have to pretend or be someone else. Just… Be you, and take things at your own pace. You deserve to find something good."
Buck stays quiet for a while and all Eddie can do is look, he looks at his pursed lips and his brow furrowed. He sees how much he's thinking and Eddie wishes he could quiet the thoughts.
"Can I tell you something?" Buck turns to face him, not quite meeting his eye.
"Of course."
"I know you see me." Now he's making eye contact and Eddie swallows the lump forming in his throat. "I mean, at least subconsciously I've known that you do. Every single time I find myself running it is straight to you. I know you know me. You see right through me but it doesn't feel like I'm invisible, just… transparent? And it scares me, Eddie. This is the one thing I couldn't risk losing. I've experienced a world without you far too many times and I don't think I can - I didn't want to read too much into it, into whatever this is."
Some words need to be said, words that have been in construction for years. They've built something beautiful throughout the years, and these words have been laying just beneath the surface. There's a spark of hope growing back inside of Eddie, and he swallows the terror just to be sure his hope isn't misguided.
"I know you're afraid that people will leave you. I know in your brain it's sometimes more of a when than an if. For me it's not so different, I made peace with the fact that I might die alone and I hoped–I hoped that maybe having built what I have in Los Angeles would be enough. I thought that being your best friend till the end would guarantee that maybe my grave wouldn't be full of dust instead of flowers. I always felt you at arms reach, Buck. And since… it feels like I reach and my fist closes on nothing but air. And it's not your fault, it really isn't. I understand why." He's already said too much. It's only natural to say the following words. Eddie still has to fight the tight knot in his throat to get them through. "I fell in love with you, Buck, and it feels like my world shifts under my feet every time I think of it. And it's lonely, to feel this much love and keep it inside. It aches, in all of me you've seen and everywhere you've touched. And it hurts that maybe I will die alone but I wouldn't change it. It pains me to see you hurt, but I see you, Buck. And I love you, more than you'll know. I love you. I know it might not be with me but I hope you find someone who makes you smile the brightest."
"Why me?" Buck says too softly, and he sounds so young when he says it. Eddie takes a step forward.
"There isn't anyone else I'd rather love. It felt so natural to love you, so easy. I couldn't have stopped it if I wanted to, and I really don't want to. Even if it—"
Even if it breaks me. Even if it's not with me. Even if you choose her. He cuts himself and closes his eyes to keep the tears from falling. It takes exactly five seconds till Eddie breathes again. Maybe for the first time in his life, if he thinks about it. He feels Buck's arms around him, and Eddie returns the hug immediately, opening his eyes. Buck's face is buried in the crook of his neck and he's crying, Eddie doesn't stop his own tears. They're both clinging to the other like their only lifeline.
"I love you, too. But I don't know If I'm ready…" Buck says, his voice muffled from where his face is pressed against Eddie's neck and the tears. "I died." He admits in a broken voice and his chest shakes with the sobs, Eddie holds him impossibly closer.
"I know, I know, Buck. As long as you need. I'm here. Always."
"What if it takes too long? I feel so lost, Eddie. And it took me too long to figure this out and–"
"Buck, hey, look at me." Eddie moves back some inches to be able to look at Buck. He cradles his face in his hands to get him to look and goes to drop them, just to find Buck's hands holding his wrists in place. "I don't care how long it takes, I'm good with what we have. Aren't you? Nothing has to change for now, you know that I love you and I can tell you just that, there's time."
"Promise?"
"I promise." Buck smiles and is the brightest he's seen him smile since he came back, it soothes Eddie's heart. They sink into another hug and Eddie -
He was thrown into life with a heart that aches, he's hardly known anything else. But now it settles, the unfocused future is suddenly a clear picture.
He doesn't know how they'll figure this out, they probably need time and a lot of therapy to go.
Eddie knows not to have much faith in the promise of something, he knows how unpredictable life is, he knows some things aren't going to be forever, and none of those things are sealed. But today, in his arms it feels like whatever the future holds for them is good. Today it feels like they'll find their way. Eddie loves, and loves, and loves. And Buck loves him, too. And he–they, they aren't alone.