Chapter Text
These days, the night follows Higuchi like a ghost.
She has grown accustomed to the darkness, not because she was made for it or because it is all that waits for her; but simply because it is all she currently has. She lives in the darkness out of necessity, and through that she has made this world her own. Even in daylight, the night lurks in corners of the world, waiting to embrace her like an old friend. Funnily enough, as much as the night loves Higuchi, it refuses to allow her any rest.
Moonlight floods in through the window by her bed, covering Higuchi’s frame like a thin veil. The window is open in hopes that the cool breeze from outside will help rock her to sleep, but the wind only blows her curtains. They dance in the air, white and sheer like spirits in a graveyard. The sight makes her mind wander, visions of vintage films playing in her head. She sees girls spinning in white ball gowns, snow covering the pavement in winter, ribbons tied in brown hair. She wonders if visions can replace dreams.
The dreams of a mafioso vary based on the amount of guilt each person has for what they do. Kyouka’s nightmares may have followed her into the light, whereas someone like Chuuya is able to sleep peacefully. To excel in this business, you have to have a few screws missing. When she first joined, Higuchi had nightmares every night. She scrubbed her hands until her skin became raw in hysterical attempts to wash away all the blood. Now, Higuchi’s nightmares are becoming few and far between. Sleep does not come easily to her, but when it does, she dreams of nothing.
Instead of dreaming, Higuchi thinks. She lays awake at night and memorizes her ceiling, making creases in the sheets with her fingers. She thinks about herself, her life, about Akutagawa. Fantasies that never felt completely right, wanting love in a way that did not suit her. She thought about how to protect her sister, about which classes she was failing and whether she was making friends at school. When she isn't worrying about other people, Higuchi reflects on her own life and the choices she has made.
Tonight, Higuchi thinks about Gin.
She’s been thinking about Gin more than usual lately. She’d always been strangely drawn to the assassin, but at first she thought it was only because she was Akutagawa’s little sister. For a very long time, Higuchi didn’t even know Gin was a girl. That had been a surprise, to say the least.
When she first found out, she didn’t know what to think. Gin was undoubtedly handsome- or, beautiful, depending on which she prefers. Was it weird for her to think that way about another woman? Not to mention, they’d worked together for so long and Gin had never corrected her for assuming her gender incorrectly. Were they not as close as Higuchi thought?
Ever since she found out about Gin’s gender, Higuchi has been thinking of her more and more lately. Too often to be considered appropriate, but what Gin doesn’t know won’t hurt her. Perhaps it’s simply because Higuchi hasn’t had a close female friend since she joined the mafia, and it’s refreshing to work with such a strong woman. Higuchi has always admired Gin, but her respect for her went up exponentially as soon as the truth was revealed. Strong women have always made Higuchi feel a sense of pride, as well as encouragement to become stronger herself. She was also impressed by Kouyou, and often wished she got the opportunity to work with the older woman more often. So to find out she’s been working so closely with such an inspiring woman is both a nice feeling, as well as a confusing one.
Today, she had a very strange encounter with Gin, in which she admittedly made herself look like a fool. When she saw Akutagawa with such a pretty girl, she made the incorrect assumption that it was his girlfriend. She went a little overboard trying to figure out who the woman was, hunting her down and chasing after her. In the end, she discovered that the woman was none other than Gin herself.
There were not enough words in the Japanese dictionary for her to properly apologize to Gin for the misunderstanding. She terrified the poor girl out of her own uncontrolled jealousy, when Gin was just trying to do her brother’s laundry in peace. On top of that, she dragged the Agency into their conflict and encouraged an unwashed man to confess his love for Gin.
Disgust curls in her stomach at the thought of that man. Surely, he must have been insane, professing his feelings to a woman he had never met before. Higuchi was happy to indulge him at first, but once he handed his letter to Gin, she began to detest him immediately. Gin is the best assassin in the mafia, she should not be seen with a lowly man who seldom leaves his house. She had been overcome with relief when Gin rejected his affections.
Which was currently the subject of her concern.
Last night was the first time she saw Gin without her mask on. Of course, she didn’t know it was Gin at the time, but she had still been taken aback by the other woman’s beauty. Raven hair that spilled around her shoulders like a waterfall, soft pink lips and a long nose. Plump cheeks that contrasted the heart-shape of her face, eyes that appeared softer in the daytime. The white, flowy dress she wore complimented her figure much, showing off the curves but not hiding any muscle. To say that Gin was breathtaking would be an understatement. Gin looked like the moon outside her window, like the curtains that danced in her room. She was like a moving sculpture, all strength and art.
That isn’t to say Gin isn’t beautiful in her work attire- quite the opposite, actually. If she was a flower by the lake without the mask, then when she put it on she became a dagger in the moonlight. She was quiet and fierce, and she could slice Higuchi’s throat in a heartbeat. Her strength shone through no matter what she wore, but so did her kindness. She might come off cold like her brother, but Gin has a more empathetic side. She may not always show it, but she cares about her friends deeply.
And therein lies the issue. Gin is beautiful, strong, and flawed, and Higuchi likes that too much. It makes her want to suffocate herself with a pillow, to bash her head into the wall until she doesn’t exist anymore. She needs to claw her own skin off, to rip her hair out until she looks halfway decent. She should not be thinking these things, not about Gin, or any woman for that matter.
When she was a teenager, Higuchi was considered a bit boy-crazy. She was popular in school, and could have had her pick of any of the guys, but she preferred to fantasize from afar. Still, she was known for the wild amount of crushes she could have in just one week. She would notice a guy in her general vicinity and decide to make him the object of her attraction until she got bored of it. On top of that, she was a fan of quite a few boybands. Throughout school, Higuchi had firmly established herself as a hopeless romantic.
As hesitant as she was to enter an actual relationship, Higuchi did often daydream about falling in love. She read about it in books and movies and dreamt of being swept off her feet by a princely guy who would save her from all her woes. In her junior year of high school, she actually did have a boyfriend. She wasn’t all that into him, but it was fun to go on dates and receive attention. Things got pretty serious, but as soon as Higuchi realized how far things had gone, she ended it. Really, she felt bad for the way things went, but no matter how hard she tried she couldn’t bring herself to feel a spark. For a while, Higuchi worried that she might never fall in love.
That all changed when she met Akutagawa. She didn’t think much of him at first- by the time she joined the mafia, she had matured enough to move past the hopeless romantic bit. But she quickly learned that Akutagawa was a hard man to connect with- he hit her for making mistakes and berated her for speaking too much. In the years they’ve worked together, he has never once praised her for all the work she’s done to protect him.
The moment his fist first collided with her face, Higuchi knew she was in love. Her taste has changed over the years, from the glorified idea of a prince to the more thrilling vision of a bad boy. More than anything, she wants Akutagawa to acknowledge her- to tell her that he’s grateful to have her around. Her sole job is to protect him, and not once has he ever told her that she’s good at that. He is a hard man to get through to, but Higuchi knows he has a soft side deep down. She has seen it in a thousand movies; the moment where the woman is finally able to change a stubborn man and they live happily ever after together. He does not hit her after that, nor does he call her useless. She wants to earn Akutagawa’s kindness, because she knows he must feel the same. He would not treat her so cruelly if he didn’t.
Of course, Akutagawa does not hit her anymore. There has been a change within him, and though Higuchi cannot identify the cause she hopes it is because of her. He does not yell at or degrade her like he used to, and he actually listens to what she has to say. It makes her hopeful about their future, that he might come around someday.
It means that things are going exactly as she planned, that Akutagawa is changing for her. So why can’t she change for him? He’s put in so much work to become a better person and here Higuchi is, thinking about his sister.
It’s something Higuchi has struggled with her whole life. When she was very young, she saw a woman on the television who was absolutely stunning. Higuchi had never seen someone so beautiful, nor had she ever thought of a man that way. When she took a step back to reflect on those thoughts, she realized that they were odd; so she buried them and never thought about that woman again. In junior high, she had a best friend that she thought the world of. They were attached at the hip and did everything together, sleepovers and outings. Sometimes they hung out with a group of girls, but Higuchi preferred it when it was just the two of them. One day, this friend got a boyfriend and Higuchi was furious. She accused her of ignoring her in favor of spending more time with the boy, and insisted that he was only using her for popularity. It ended up ruining their friendship, and they haven’t spoken since.
In high school, Higuchi had a handful of female friends that she was a bit too fond of. There were female celebrities that she liked for no real reason, and strangers that would catch her eye in public. She fought these feelings with everything she had, pushing them deep down until they could no longer be seen. It hurt sometimes, but she was somehow sure it would hurt more to give into those traitorous thoughts.
Now, when things might finally work out with Akutagawa, those feelings are coming back. Maybe they never left, and Higuchi has only been ignoring them. Either way, she refuses to let them ruin this for her. Gin is a very good friend, but she can never be anything more. It’s part of why she had asked the younger woman to call her “Big Sis” before turning in for the night.
She does enjoy their conversations, and spending time with Gin feels like dancing on a cloud. Her job is very stressful, so it’s a blessing to have someone to relax with. It’s a friendship she doesn’t want to lose, let alone ruin by seeking out someone who most likely does not like women. They will be the best of friends, hopefully even in-laws someday.
The thought saddens her but she brushes those feelings aside. She should be happy to have Gin as a friend, and happy that things are working out with Akutagawa. Here she is inventing problems as soon as things start to go her way.
It’s a pointless thing to worry over, and staying up so late will only make her useless at work tomorrow. She closes her eyes, burrowing into the covers and trying to get some rest before the sun comes up.
She gets about three minutes of shut-eye before her sister is knocking on her door.
“Ichiyo?” She calls. “It’s your turn to make breakfast.”
Higuchi groans, turning over.
Looks like her day is only beginning.