Work Text:
TO BE A THING, OR NOT TO BE.
SCENE 1
INT. Button House - morning.
EST. SHT of Button house corridors before MVNG/SHT of ALISON to doorway. She wears pyjamas and holds a cup of coffee. We hear ROBIN and JULIAN talking off screen in the next room. MED/ SHT as she pauses to listen at the door.
D/N: Can we have Charlotte do a double take here (overemphasised slightly)? Need to convey ‘nosey-ness.’
ROBIN (O.S)
Oh, come on! Wasn’t that bad, was it?
JULIAN (O.S)
(Angrily)
You kept me up all night, Robin! Next time you fancy ‘showing me things’ don’t yank me until I come!
ALISON spits out her coffee before vigorously wiping her mouth. D/I to C/SHT leaning closer to the door, mouth slightly open.
D/N: Have this as a jarring comprehension. Wait… WHAT?
ROBIN (O.S)
(Defensively)
Was gentle! Besides, me know you enjoyed it!
JULIAN (O.S)
Gentle? Ha! Don’t make me laugh! And don’t go telling everyone, alright? Got a reputation to withhold, y’know? Can’t have everyone thinking I’ve gone all-all-
ROBIN (O.S)
All what?
JULIAN (O.S)
Nothing, whatever! I’m tired, Robin. I’m going back to bed. Lest you wake me up, again!
LONG SHOT/ JULIAN storms out through the door as ALISON jumps backwards to avoid being seen. JULIAN ext. frame as ROBIN phases through the wall.
ROBIN
(Calling after him)
Come on! Me sorry! Just thought you’d (he exhales, defeated) …like it.
ALISON (O.S)
What’s up with him?
C/T F2 ROBIN and ALISON. ROBIN jumps, unnerved.
ROBIN
Oh! (He folds his arms) Nofin’. He just mad I make him come. (He points to her coffee stain) Have brown stuff on you, by the way.
ALISON
Oh! No, don’t worry about it! (She wipes her dressing gown before raising an eyebrow) Wait… come again?
ROBIN
Well, he probably won’t after that.
C/T ROBIN POV
ALISON
No! I mean- what- (BEAT as she thinks of suitable terminology) you said you- all night? W-what happened? Wait- no, I don’t want to know. Just… paraphrase.
C/T F2 (L/S)
ROBIN
… Parrot phrase?
ALISON
(She folds her arms) What happened, Robin?
ROBIN
(nodding) Oh! Oh, right. He bit grumpy me kept him awake. Well… a lot grumpy. Wanted show him thing; but said “no Robin, me sleeping.” Also said he wouldn’t come… but he did (he checks his nails) so…
ALISON
(Gobsmacked, but facading a smile.)
…Oh?
ROBIN
(with pride)
Yeah, but me know he enjoy it in the end - he just don’t want to admit it cause’ silly modern rules. Not allowed to be this or that. Was really nice time though. (He picks up on Alison’s expression, cocking his head) …What?
ALISON
(She looks to the floor momentarily) What? Oh! Nothing, nothing. So- (she gesticulates a circular motion with her hands, leaning) Will you be- is this a thing now? Are you-
ROBIN
Am I what?
ALISON
Do- do you (she gestures to ROBIN) like men?
D/N: Have Charlotte say this in that ‘over-annunciated discreet’ voice.
ROBIN
(innocently)
Yeah, they alright.
ALISON
And-and Julian- he…?
C/T ALISON P.O.V
ROBIN
(he cocks his head) Yeah, suppose he does too.
C/T F2 ALISON straightens her posture; smiling at ROBIN.
ALISON
Well (she nods) Just- I’m really proud of you, Robin. I’m so glad you could-you know. I really hope it all works out.
P.O.V ROBIN’S shoulder (L/S) as ALISON walks away before MED/SHT of ROBIN.
ROBIN
(Calling after her)
…Thanks! But, eh (to himself) Only woke him up to come look at moonah, though.
F/O to credits.
End scene.
Scene 2.
INT. Button House - Day.
L/S of kitchen. We see ALISON, KITTY, LADY BUTTON, THE CAPTAIN and THOMAS talking and whispering.
LADY BUTTON
(disgusted)
And your telling me- the two of them-
ALISON
(Gossipy)
Yes! All night apparently!
THE CAPTAIN
(to himself, quietly)
Good lord-
F2 KITTY giggles whilst LADY BUTTON scoffs indignantly.
KITTY
To think! A real life romance at button house!
ALISON
… what about me and Mike?
MED/SHT THOMAS folds his arms.
KITTY
Another one then; a double one! Oh, how exciting!
THE CAPTAIN
I had been wondering you know (he clears his throat) the subtle glances, so to speak, the (BEAT) unspoken longing one gets when-
D/I until C/U. It’s evident THE CAPTAIN is no longer talking about ROBIN and JULIAN. Return to L/S.
D/N: Still have him talking throughout this. Staring off to the left maybe.
LADY BUTTON
(She interrupts him) Yes! I was wondering how long it would take those two hooligans to resort to decadence. What’s it been? Thirty years; and already that- uncouth scoundrel has polluted this house with-with-
C/U LADY BUTTON scrunches her nose, unable to finish her sentence. F2 ALISON rolls her eyes.
ALISON
Well; thirty years is quite a long time, Lady B.
THOMAS (O.S)
For you, maybe.
SWISH PAN to THOMAS.
ALISON
What?
THOMAS
(melancholically)
Alas, for me thirty years is but a blink of an eye! A mere snippet in my eternal loneliness (MED/SHT ALISON who rolls her eyes) their romance shall only remind me of my woe!
ALISON
Why not just be happy for them?
KITTY
Yes Thomas, stop being so grumpy!
THOMAS
(he gestures to himself theatrically) Happy? Alison how could I possibly be happy when in proximity of torture?! My happiness could only fathom from (BEAT, his eyes widen) Oh, Alison!
ALISON
… what?
THOMAS
Don’t you see, my love! This spark of passion this- why it could re-kindle our own fire! We must defy the boundaries of convention, for love knows none! O’ this unlikely match is concrete evidence that we are meant to be!
ALISON
It really isn’t, Thomas.
THOMAS
Nay, you’re too modest. Don’t deny this talk of romance hasn’t aroused your own desire! Your heart doth ache, I know, but- oh, my darling mine could explode-
D/N: ‘explode’, said with classic the classic Thorne psychotic-ness.
JULIAN (O.S)
Blimey. Calm down Romeo, you don’t want a heart attack. Trust me.
MVNG/SHT JULIAN until L/S to rest of group. They smile, awkwardly, muttering variations of “hey” “morning” and “how are you.”
KITTY
(in a giggly, suspicion-arousning tone)
Oh! Hello, Julian.
JULIAN
(with scepticism)
Er, hi?
ALISON
(she shakes her head) ignore her (she smiles) we were just talking about you, actually.
JULIAN
Oh? (He winks, straightening his tie) popular today, am I?
LADY BUTTON
(MED/CU, she whispered to THE CAPTAIN) Popular with someone, anyway.
ALISON
Yeah, we were just talking about how proud we all are of you.
JULIAN
…Proud? You’re never proud of me-
THE CAPTAIN
Well, considering your er (he re-adjusts, clearing his throat) …achievement.
THOMAS
(to himself)
Well, I’d hardly call it that.
JULIAN
Achievement? What- (he smiles) Ah! Well, it’s about time really. I was wondering when you lot would take an interest - I mean, it’s not exactly new information, is it?
ALISON
… it’s not?
JULIAN
course not- its been (he shakes his head) Look, as much as I’d love to talk about my achievements all day, I’ve got a match to watch- so, if you’ll excuse me.
ALISON
Oh, yeah. Catch you later, maybe? Perhaps we could - I dunno - do something to celebrate, or-
LADY BUTTON
Celebrate?! I hardly call this a reason for-
ALISON goes to shush LADY BUTTON. MED/SHT as JULIAN walks to the doorway to leave.
JULIAN
Your serious? Yeah- ( he smiles) Have a drink for me, would you?
D/N: linger shot for a while. Might sound tragic but this is the first time he’s received group validation.
ALISON
(Happily)
Sure.
MVNG/ SHT JULIAN goes to leave.
KITTY
(calling to him, excitedly)
So are you getting married soon then?
JULIAN
(confused)
Married wh-? I’m already married!
KITTY
(upset)
What?! When did that happen?!
JULIAN
Y-your serious? Years ago! God! At least pretend to take an interest in my life, would you?
MVNG/SHT JULIAN leaves through the wall, as we hear KITTY crying.
KITTY O.S.
(muffled, through the wall)
I-I can’t believe I missed it! And I wanted to be a bridesmaid!
JULIAN frowns before shrugging it off, continuing his journey.
End scene.
Immediate cut to:
Scene 3.
INT. Button House - Day.
T/O PAT watching documentary in telly room. D/O to L/S as JULIAN walks in the doorway behind him.
D/N: V/O for documentary needed. David Attenborough esc nature-y type thing.
JULIAN
Oh, hey! Didn’t know you’d be in here.
PAT
Well it is my turn on the rota.
JULIAN
We’ve got a-? (he shakes his head) was going to watch some football but, no matter. I’ll come back later. Enjoy your er- plants?
D/O as JULIAN turns to leave, PAT waves in his direction.
PAT
(with urgency)
Hey-er, sorry, Julian (he shakes his head) I’m being rude - here (he stands) you watch your football, you deserve it, after all.
JULIAN
Oh, right er (he sits, confused) … thanks?
PAT heads to the doorway.
PAT
No, don’t mention it. Hey- proud of you, mate.
D/N: Awkward finger guns at ‘hey’, please.
D/I to JULIAN as PAT leaves the room.
JULIAN
(To himself)
As everyone keeps saying…
End scene.
Scene 4.
INT. Button House - Day.
L/S before slow D/I. We see ROBIN sat at the chess table as JULIAN enters frame. He sits, JULIAN’S shoulder P.O.V.
ROBIN
Oh, hey. Where you been. Thought we playing chess?
C/T MED/SHT F2.
JULIAN
Yeah, sorry about that - football was on.
ROBIN
What, like TV? Thought it Pat turn?
JULIAN
(he shuffles in his seat) Well, that’s the odd part. He sort of just- let me watch? Said he was proud of me?
ROBIN
(He cocks his head) Oh?
JULIAN
In fact, everyone’s been saying that today. Came into the kitchen and Alison said she was proud of my achievement? I’m thinking there might’ve been one of those anniversary wotsits on the telly about the Arabian crisis - that or everyone’s got into politics overnight.
ROBIN
Alison say that?
JULIAN
Well, not specifically - it was all a bit encrypted, actually-
ROBIN
(He shakes his head) No, No - Alison say she proud of you?
JULIAN
Well, yeah - why?
ROBIN
She say that to me too! This morning. After I tell about last night.
JULIAN
(He looks momentarily upset) Ah, so not politics then (he narrows his eyes) Hey, wait a minute! I told you not to tell anyone! I can’t have everyone thinking I’ve gone soft for you.
ROBIN
Is fine, didn’t say much! Only said you grumpy because I keep you up all night, wanted show you things, you come, enjoy it in end and- (he freezes as his eyes widen) Uh… oh…
C/U as JULIAN conveys a similar look of horror.
JULIAN
Oh… God…
Return to L/S F2.
ROBIN
You don’t think she think I (he shudders with vocal disgust) with you?
JULIAN
No. That’s exactly what she thinks… (he copies the shudder)
ROBIN
And now everyone else does too…
JULIAN
God. That’s why they’re being so bloody odd - well, odder than usual.
ROBIN
(he shrugs) Well, is something to be proud of… All night, eh? (he smiles) chess?
JULIAN
(With agitation)
Robin!
ROBIN
Ok, Ok! You right! Me go tell that not what happened.
C/T MVNG/SHT as ROBIN starts to leave. JULIAN stops him.
JULIAN
Although.. we could use this to our advantage, you know.
ROBIN
(confused)
(He slowly walks back to the chess table) What you mean?
JULIAN
Well, think about it! (He stands, MED/SHT) I got the TV earlier, what else? Think of all the favours we could get if we just kept this charade up a little longer. And, besides! If they oppose it we’ll, I don’t know, draw the homophobia card or something.
ROBIN
Don’t think that very… what is word (he deadpans) moral.
D/N: He did know the word, he’s being facetious.
JULIAN
oh, come on Robin! Look who you’re talking to. If years of negotiations taught me anything it’s that you cease every opportunity! And-if anything, this surly gets us browny points by todays wokie-moral standards.
ROBIN
Dunno, Julian. What if find out? Didn’t think you’d be into this stuff, seem like the person to - deny it?
JULIAN
Ah, well. There’s a lot you don’t know about me, Robin (BEAT) not much granted… bloody journalists. Anyway! Don’t you want the laptop all to yourself? Think about all that space bollocks you could be watching.
ROBIN
(He considered, nodding) Suppose, not technically lying. Not like we made it up - they did that for em’selves.
JULIAN
Exactly! We’re just playing to it - besides! When did you ever care about lying? You’re just as bad as me, really.
ROBIN
Wouldn’t go that far. But true (He laughs, shaking JULIAN’S hand) you on, this better work.
JULIAN
Oh, it’ll work like a charm.
ROBIN
How we do it?
JULIAN
Oh, you know - the standard. Pet-names, cuddles exetera.
ROBIN
What so -like - me have to kiss you?
JULIAN
(he straightens his tie, shuffling) Hey now-wouldn’t go that far.
ROBIN
Awh! (he pouts jokingly) shame, me always wanted to.
D/N: Have sort-of lingering eye contact - Julian tries to gauge if he’s joking.
JULIAN
Sod off! (he laughs nervously) Try it out at film club later, yeah?
ROBIN
Deal. (he shakes JULIAN’S hand) now, chess?
End scene.
Scene 5.
INT. Button House - Night.
L/S we see ROBIN, THE CAPTAIN, PAT AND KITTY with HUMPHREY’S HEAD on her lap sat on the couch. LADY BUTTON and THOMAS are stood behind them.
KITTY
Oh, what are we watching?
THE CAPTAIN
Well, nothing until Julian turns the box on. Robin, where is he? It’s five past seven already!
ROBIN shrugs, grunting.
THOMAS
(he scoffs) helpful as always! Anyways, it’s my turn to choose, so-
LADY BUTTON
Ah, no. If you recall Thomas it’s-
HUMPHREY
Thought it was my turn this week?
MED/SHT PAT.
PAT
(Exasperated)
Flamin’ Nora! Did nobody listen to my rota?
D/N: Have the rest of the group still bickering throughout this.
THE CAPTAIN
Ah! Yes, now er- if I remember correctly it was- oh, no they swapped-
JULIAN (O.S)
God, another rota?
C/T L/S as the group watch JULIAN go to sit on the windowsill, THE CAPTAIN stands.
THE CAPTAIN
Ah! Apologies, Julian. Here (he gestures to the couch) you ought to sit here next to Robin.
JULAIN
Oh? (he nods, as if to remember) Oh! Oh, right. Thanks.
THE CAPTAIN nods his approval as JULIAN sits beside ROBIN. KITTY giggles before it is awkwardly silent. MED/SHT THOMAS.
THOMAS
(he rolls his hands) Well say something, damn your eyes!
MED/SHT as JULIAN glances to ROBIN awkwardly.
JULIAN
Right, er… (he grins unconvincingly) hello, dear.
ROBIN
Hello… antelope?
L/S the group let out a sea of “awhs” with some variations of “isn’t that sweet” and “they’ve got their one pet names already”.
D/N: have Robin and Julian share a look that conveys ‘Meh, They’re buying it.’
PAT
Well, don’t mind us! Get comfy you two lovebirds.
ROBIN
(Quietly wincing) eugh.
MED/ SHT JULIAN Shuffles to ROBIN, placing an arm around him. ROBIN looks at his arm before glancing to Julian. The pair appear quite rigid and awkward.
JULIAN
This is nice… sweetie.
ROBIN
Er, yeah… fruit salad?
HUMPHREY
(Sarcastically)
And they say Romance is dead.
PAT
Shush, you! (He looks to ROBIN and JULIAN) we’re probably embarrassing you. Come on, you lot! Best let them get on with it tonight.
THOMAS
But-!
THE CAPTAIN
No, no. He’s quite right. Come on everyone, quick to it.
L/S the ghosts groan but reluctantly obey, exciting the room.
HUMPHREY
Have fun, chaps.
KITTY
ooh, yes! Have fun!
KITTY carries HUMPHREY out the room. ROBIN and JULIAN are alone bar LADY BUTTON who hovers over them indignantly. CAM/PAN UP.
LADY BUTTON
I hardly think this is fair, you know. Just because you can’t keep your hands to yourselves shouldn’t mean we have to miss a film.
JULIAN
(tactically) Oh, don’t fret it - we probably won’t be in here long. Might er- go upstairs later if you catch my drift?
MED/SHT JULIAN crudely winks at LADY BUTTON who gasps, appalled. She turns to leave, MVNG/SHT.
LADY BUTTON
Heavens, No! I’d rather you stayed down here!
JULIAN
(he calls to her) Well, if you’re sure!
JULIAN watches the doorway until she leaves. MED/SHT as he turns back to ROBIN.
ROBIN
(He shrugs) Well, you were right.
JULIAN
Told you! Works like a charm.
D/N: Have a moment of silence here, as if Robin’s waiting for Julian to notice.
ROBIN
… Julian?
JULIAN
Mmh?
ROBIN
(He smirks) Can stop cuddling me now. They gone.
JULIAN extracts his arm, looking embarrassed.
JULIAN
Just, y’know (he clears his throat) making sure.
ROBIN
(Amused)
Were you enjoying that, darling?
JULIAN
Ha! As if.
ROBIN
(muttering) Yeah right.
JULIAN
What?
ROBIN
Nothing! Now, what you want watch?
End scene.
Scene 6.
INT. Button House - Day.
L/S ROBIN and JULIAN are sat playing chess. They’re in the middle of a game.
ROBIN
(He surveys the board) Er, horsey - he go clippy clippy clop. Take the er- castle man.
JULIAN
Damn! Um- I’ll put the bishop over there then.
They watch as ALISON and KITTY walk past. Alison is holding a CD player.
ALISON
Oh, playing chess, are we?
JULIAN
Breakdancing, are we?
ALISON
What? Oh-! (She laughs) No, there’s no signal downstairs so had do dig this out the wardrobe. Kitty and I were doing ‘basement ballet’ with the plague guys.
JULIAN
Sounds… alliterative.
KITTY
It’s a lot of fun, actually! We’re waltzing next week if you fancied - you know.
JULIAN
Not really our style.
KITTY
Oh, please! It’d be so so romantic!
ROBIN
How bout’ we think about it?
KITTY
It’s a deal!
KITTY skips away, followed suit by ALISON.
ROBIN
(to JULIAN) Keep forgetting they still think we… thing.
JULIAN
Well (he laughs) proves it’s still working, I suppose.
ROBIN
Yeah but (beat) how long we gunna’ do this for? Mean - can’t do it forever. Someone find out eventually, no?
D/N: Have Julian look slightly disappointed here.
JULIAN
(he bows his head) Yeah, I suppose. But- mighty as well enjoy it why it lasts, ay? The novelty will wear off soon enough and it’ll go back to normal.
ROBIN
You think?
JULIAN
Well, yeah. As you say, it can’t last forever, can it?
D/N: Who’s this to? (Julian). It’s an enquiry, not a statement.
D/O, they remain in silence for a while.
ROBIN
Might miss this, you know.
JULIAN
(he looks up with poorly-facaded hopefulness) Oh? How so?
ROBIN
Well; it bit of fun, isn’t it?
JULIAN
(He exhales) Yeah… bit of fun…
End scene.
Immediate cut to:
Scene 7.
INT. Button House - Day.
L/S ROBIN and JULIAN remain sat at the chess table as the ghosts walk in.
PAT
(Cheerfully)
Ah! Hello - Kitty said you were in here.
JULIAN
(skeptically)
Yeah, er - what do you want?
THOMAS
Oh, nothing - just… questions.
ROBIN
… questions?
THE CAPTAIN
Well, yes er- (he shuffles on his feet) it suddenly occurred to us that we never asked you how, you know, this came to be.
JULIAN
Oh, right. Well- (he looks to ROBIN) It’s nothing, really.
KITTY
It’s not nothing!
PAT
Oh, give over. He’s just being modest - go on then, how long have you been together then?
JULIAN ROBIN
Three months Two months?
D/N: Have them look at each-other before they say the opposite (of course, they oppose each-other again.)
PAT
…Right- er (he smiles) Must know each other really well, then!
JULIAN
Well, I wouldn’t say really well-
KITTY
We can test it! Julian - what’s Robin’s favourite colour?
JULIAN
Why the hell would I- I don’t know, green?
THOMAS
Pathetic! Robin! What year was Julian born-
ROBIN
Recent one! Before you, anyway.
JULIAN
(Exasperated)
Excellent, Sherlock.
ROBIN
Yeah… sorry.
LADY BUTTON
Surely you must know your anniversary?
ROBIN AND JULIAN ponder this MED/SHT as the ghosts exhale in irritancy.
THE CAPTAIN
Good lord (he shakes his head) this is shambles! Y-you don’t know anything-
JULIAN
Well, you know. Talk about putting someone on the spot- it’s quite niche information-
THOMAS
If I were in your position I would know my partner inside and out! Like Alison- her favourite colour is-
L/S the ghosts collectively groan.
KITTY
(melancholically)
It doesn’t seem like you’re in love at all…
ROBIN
(defensively)
Are too!
THOMAS
Go on then (he narrows his eyes, leaning forward) prove it.
ROBIN considers, before walking over to JULIAN. MED/SHT he pulls him by his tie, kissing him. JULIAN flails momentarily before kissing back, holding ROBIN’S shoulder for support. The ghosts simultaneously gasp. they pull away, JULIAN smiles.
D/N: Character reaction opportunity. Kitty giggles, the Captain’s “good lord” makes its inevitable appearance, Fanny “eugh” etc.
ROBIN
There? See? Love him.
PAT
(He straightens his glasses, MED/SHT SOLO) Well, er. Can’t argue with that.
C/T L/S The ghosts mutter in agreement before making their exit.
KITTY (O.S)
(excitedly, getting fainter)
They kissed! Did you see? They kissed!
End Scene.
MED/SHT CUT:
Scene 8.
INT. Button House - Day.
JULIAN straightens his tie with wide eyes, avoiding eye contact with ROBIN.
ROBIN
(slowly, awkwardly)
Sorry bout’ that er… (he turns to face JULIAN with a hand in his hair) didn’t… know what else to do.
JULIAN
(as if automated)
It’s alright.
ROBIN
Now, me know you said not to but- wait (beat) what?
JULIAN
I said it’s alright, Robin.
ROBIN
Y-what?
JULIAN
(blankly)
You heard me.
ROBIN
So what you- (he cocks his head) liked… it?
JULIAN
(he shrugs) maybe I did.
D/N: JULIAN lacks emotion currently - trying desperately hard to maintain impartial facade. He’s not used to being vulnerable.
ROBIN
Julian- (he steps closer) You can tell me.
JULIAN
(he looks to the floor) It’s just- All that stuff you said, about - ‘it can’t be forever’ got me thinking, you know, why can’t it be? I mean, why can’t we just keep going (he gesticulates) With this, I mean - I sort of think it… works?
ROBIN
What? You and me in… thing?
JULIAN
Well- I dunno, always sort-of fancied it-
ROBIN
With… me? Really?
D/I JULIAN places a hand on ROBIN’S shoulder.
JULIAN
I- I like you, Robin (he gestures with his hands) Hell, why do you think we got into this mess in the first place? I wouldn’t allow being woken up by anyone else, you know.
ROBIN
(He smiles) Why you think I showed you?
They step closer together.
JULIAN
Why’d you think I kept cuddling you?
ROBIN
Why you think I kissed you? (He looks up at JULIAN) Meant what me say earlier, you know.
JULIAN
Should we er- (he clears his throat) try again! You know - in the spirit of and all that-
ROBIN
(He raises an eyebrow) For realsies?
JULIAN
Yeah, Robs (he snickers) for realsies.
C/PAN they kiss.
D/N: Closed eyes, face holding etc - both of them know they meant it this time.
MED/SHT as they pull away, smiling.
JULIAN
Well, er - seals the deal, I suppose. So er- what now?
ROBIN
Could see if we can, suppose.
JULIAN
… can what?
ROBIN
(he smirks) All night? Got reputation. Wouldn’t want to… let down.
JULIAN
You’re on.
D/O, they exit. Cut to credits.
End scene.