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Rex could hear his own breathing, feel his own heartbeat, hear the blood rushing in his ear and the way the vein on his leg pulsated regularly, almost calming.
Except that it was quiet all around him, a deep drowning silence laid stretched out all around him, so heavy, pressing on his ears and making everything feel much more intense than before.
The quiet calm in his quarters felt weird, terribly wrong after sharing tents with his man for weeks and weeks, being surrounded by their giggling, their jokes, always hearing soft whispers somewhere. But now the campaign was over though, they were on the way to another battle somewhere on the other side of the galaxy, a few days break while being in Hyperspace…
And Rex could not calm down, how could he?
The campaign had even gone well, but victory cost lives just like defeat, and while Rex stared at the ceiling now a few brothers were still fighting for their life in the medbay. A shiny was among them, a kid who’s lower body had been crushed by a separatist tank. Kix was probably running around yelling orders, trying to decide who was a lost cause and who could still be saved, maybe he had already decided the kid wouldn’t survive anyway.
In an ideal world they’d have the capacity to treat every injured man properly, but just like death was part of the reality of war, so was triage. Once they had transplanted a heart directly from one man into the other, and Rex still remembered the horrified look in Kix’s eyes that didn’t seem to fade for the next hours. Deciding who was to live and who to die, always wondering if he’d misjudged the situation… Rex didn’t envy the medic.
He knew that in a few hours Kix would crash from the stims, covered in blood and with shaking hands, and Rex really hoped Jesse would be there to catch him.
Maybe he’d go too, but the medic had ordered him to take a break and he didn’t want to stress or worry Kix further. It had already been too much, his heart felt heavy and the blood didn’t stop rushing in his ears, he probably couldn’t help Kix anyway.
So laying in his bunk and staring at the ceiling it was.
In comparison to Felucia the ship was terribly cold and the dry air made his throat itch a little, but most importantly it was too quiet, no laughing or mumbling, snoring or breathing around him. Just silence, except for his own breathing, quiet and soft, steady and there .
Rex was alone, and suddenly he longed for company. Not like Fives or Jesse wouldn’t be happy to have him, but… kark.
Did Rex really miss Fox?
Or did he miss spending time with someone who wasn’t his subordinate, who understood the burden of leading while also taking Rex serious enough to not look down on him?
He had not even spent that much time with Fox, but kark, now he wished his brother was here with him. Being alone felt terrible, but Rex was pretty sure that he’d still feel alone if he’d gone to see Fives and Echo, or Jesse - he’d still feel like he doesn’t belong, he would still be their CO, he would never be able to let go around them. As if he could tell them how much he longed for someone to take the burden from his shoulders, to hug him and tell him he did well , that he did all he could .
Could he really text Fox? His brother was probably busy protecting the one*s responsible for this misery, or did paperwork for some lazy senator. Although Fox would not answer until he had time, so Rex might as well risk it?
After a few minutes of pondering he opened his comlink, scrolled to Fox’s contact and wrote:
King of the Blue
Hello
FoxNeedsCaf
everything alright?
King of the Blue
Sure, why wouldn’t it
FoxNeedsCaf
You never texted me before, I assumed something is going on.
King of the Blue
no i m alright
just feeling a bit lonely, i guess
FoxNeedsCaf
oh
i m glad you texted me
coming down after a battle can be rough, take care of yourself
Rex blinked once, twice… Take care of yourself , what is that supposed to mean? Fox probably didn’t mean it in a “go jerk off” way… But he wasn’t injured, Kix had checked a few hours ago, Rex was doing alright. And how did Fox even know… okay well it was Fox, of course he knew.
King of the Blue
What do you mean? Take care of what?
FoxNeedsCaf
Your emotional wellbeing - I assume you’ve already seen a medic, but if you’re feeling a bit lonely that implies you’re not feeling well right now.
Karking bastard, but now that Fox spelled it out for him Rex suddenly realised how heavy he felt, how tired, but not on a physical level. More on an emotional level, as if his body was begging him to just let go, let it rest.
On the other hand he also felt really tense, like his skin was itching, he could feel his blanket, scratchy on his skin, the hard mattress underneath his back.
King of the Blue
How do you suggest I “take care of myself”?
It sounded harder than intended, but all of a sudden Rex felt top big for his body, too filled with energy but without having a way out, everything felt too close yet Fox was far away, too far away to just pull Rex into a hug and whisper comforting praise into his skin.
FoxNeedsCaf
Can you find someone to cuddle, or to hug you? Maybe a warm shower helps as well?
King of the Blue
my rations are used up, only have a sonic
and no i dont want to see my man
i m their CO i have to keep it together
FoxNeedsCaf
what about Appo? isnt he a captain as well
King of the Blue
Only a sergeant, and we're aren't close
i dont know i ll just try to sleep, tomorrow i ll feel better i guess
FoxNeedsCaf
can texting with me help though?
or can you read something on your datapad?
King of the Blue
yeah, texting you helps a bit
at least i feel less trapped in my body now
FoxNeedsCaf
thats good, thats a start
i d love to hug you right now, sounds like you need it
King of the Blue
that d be great
i ve missed you fox
and i m not even close to coruscant
FoxNeedsCaf
i m looking forward to seeing you when you are
for now take a deep breath
do you think it would help if i told you how I’d like do cuddle you?
King of the Blue
maybe
i dont know
everything feels so wrong
my man are dead or dying and i m laying here feeling miserable
FoxNeedsCaf
dead brothers are a good reason to feel miserable though
and many of them are still alive
i ve checked the statistics and you have had very few casualties, i m proud of you
Rex could almost hear Fox say it, the soft Coruscanti accent leaking through, the warmth in his voice… Maybe he’d whisper it against his shoulder before pressing a kiss to his forehead and pulling him into a hug. Fox had been terrible at giving and receiving physical contact back on Kamino, and Rex was so glad that he's gotten comfortable with it over time. Now he gave wonderful hugs, always made Rex feel warm and safe, sheltered in a way not even Cody could provide.
King of the Blue
I miss you
wish you were here with me
FoxNeedsCaf
so do i
you need someone to look after you ;)
King of the Blue
pfff
i just need someone to cuddle
FoxNeedsCaf
i d cuddle you so hard, i d smother you in love and kisses until you feel okay again
Rex felt himself tearing up - he could almost see it, another world where Fox would enter, make a joke about his needy little CT before throwing himself onto Rex’s bunk, grinning wide.
“Come here, my little CT, let me take care of you.”
And even though Rex usually hated it when people called him a “CT”, he’d move until Fox could pull him against his chest, until he could bury his face in his brother’s neck.
He’d feel safe again, and just the thought made his skin crawl less.