Chapter Text
Whenever Diego stopped by the house, he made a big show of slamming doors open.
“HEY MOM!”
He’d shout like a lunatic, stomp around, and otherwise do his damnedest to be as noticeable as humanly possible.
“MOM WHERE ARE- oh. Hey, Five.” Diego picked at his nails to feign nonchalance. “You seen mom?”
“She’s not here,” Five said. “So pipe down, would you?”
Diego stiffened. “What do you mean she’s not here?”
“She’s at the grocery store with Luther." Five smirked and added, "She’s fine.”
Diego deflated. “What do you mean she’s fine? Of course she’s fine.”
“Yup, she’s fine.” Five made as if to turn away, but Diego grabbed his arm.
“Hey, I think it’s good,” Diego said. “That she goes out now.”
Before the old man died Mom had never left the property. It was an order embedded into her programming. But Five had deleted it.
Among other things.
“Uh huh,” Five said. “She’ll be back in a half hour or so.”
“Oh yeah? Guess I’ll hang around for a bit then,” Diego said. “So what are you up to?”
Five glared at the hand on his arm and Diego released him, smiling sheepishly. For some reason Diego had a bad habit of… well, it’s not that he was touchy. Klaus was touchy. Always slinging his arms over Five’s shoulders or resting them on his head.
No, Diego had a way of grabbing that grated on Five’s nerves. It was always a restraining hold.
Like a perp walk.
“Five? What are you up to?” Diego squinted at him. “You good, bro?”
Five tried to formulate an inoffensive response.
“I’m good,” he said, carefully. “I was about to leave the house myself.”
It was Thursday, which meant a trip to the library.
“By yourself?” Diego said. “Where you going?”
Five crossed his arms in front of his chest. “Yes, by myself. I don’t need a chaperone.”
“But where are you going?”
“What’s it to you?”
“Look, there’s this turf war going on,” Diego said. “Between these two gangs. So I just-”
Five laughed. “I have killed more men in one sitting than you’ve scratched in your lifetime, Diego.” He sneered at Diego’s scowl. “You should worry about the fool who’d try to take me on.”
“Fuck you!” Diego said. “You think you’re hot shit, but even you-”
Five warped out of the house.
A normal person might use a phone if they wanted to get a hold of someone. Since Five refused to acquire one, his siblings had learned to contact him through Klaus or Luther.
Failing that, he could typically be found in his bedroom, the library, or the training room.
But no.
Though Diego was a simple man at heart- the sort to run into battle with a straightforwardness that forwent any kind of thought or strategy- when it came to matters that were more… civilian in nature, he would bumble around in as indirect a way as possible.
Diego planted himself on the stairs and talked to Klaus at a volume which was louder than necessary. "... but, you know, Al practically begged me to do it. How could I say no?"
At first it wasn't clear, but eventually Five realized Diego was trying to get his attention specifically.
"As you already know, my dear brother." Klaus spoke in that theatrical way he used when he wanted to make a joke of his situation. A sort of conspiratorial bad acting, done on purpose. "Luther and I are both beside ourselves with excitement."
He heard a thump and a yelp and guessed that Diego had punched Klaus, probably sensing the sarcasm.
"It's no big deal." Diego delivered this line in an angry, threatening tone.
We can't all have Allison's talents, Five thought, rolling his eyes.
"Oh, but Diego!" Klaus adopted a more sugary tone, simpering and high pitched. "Did you tell Five about the match?"
This sort of pretend conversation had been repeated in various locations throughout the house. But this was the first time one of them actually let his name drop.
"Huh," Diego said. "You know, I forgot all about him."
They would probably continue the farce for days if he didn't put a stop to it. So Five put on an aggrieved smile and teleported onto the staircase with them. "Forgot me, did you?"
Klaus overdid his surprise, gasping and tilting back over the banister. The idiot might have fallen clean over the rails, but Five grabbed him by the shirt and tugged him back into his feet.
"Be careful!" Diego snapped at him. "Goddamit Klaus, you almost fell!"
"Whoopsie daisy," Klaus giggled. "Great reflexes, Fivey."
Five huffed. "Tell me about the thing already."
Diego hesitated, glancing between the two of them as if unprepared to actually go off script. "Uh."
Klaus rescued him. "A boxing match!" He clapped his hands together. "After years of mopping the blood off the ring, our Diego is finally getting a chance to shed his own blood in the ring!"
Diego glared at him.
"Is it not called a ring?" Klaus said. "I thought that was the term. Is it a rink? I thought that was ice skating."
Shaking his head in bemusement, Diego mumbled, "Yeah, the boxing ring."
"Sounds like a real..." A real what? Five couldn't think of a simile, so he abandoned the sentence and cleared his throat. "When's the match?"
His part in the whole charade taken care of, Klaus started making his way down the stairs, saluting them as he went.
"The 26th." Diego casually leaned his elbows on the stair banister, looking out over the foyer. "Mostly everyone's going. Well, except for Vanya. She said she had a thing."
"Ah." Five said. "The 26th falls on a Friday doesn't it?"
Diego straightened. "Yeah, so?"
"She's been meeting with me in the training room," Five said. "Twice a week, every week, since we got back from the sixties. Friday is one of those days."
"That's her thing?!" Diego curled his fingers around the railings now, squeezing with a tight knuckled grip. "I thought she meant a work thing!"
"It is work," Five said. "Important work."
"But you guys could skip a lesson." Diego huffed. "Allison's even gonna fly in from California."
They could do that. But if Vanya had already turned down the invitation, shouldn't he do the same? She had clearly prioritized the training.
Would she resent him if he canceled it for a day? Perhaps think he didn't find it important? Didn't consider her important?
"That would… set a bad precedent," Five said.
Three weeks into their training sessions and Five was already learning how important her emotional balance was to the nature of her powers. Offending Vanya could be a dangerous set back.
"Forget it," Diego said. "You guys have fun."
Five recognized the bitterness in his tone for what it was. "We'll be there for the next one."
"There won't be a next one," Diego snapped. "I'm just filling in for someone."
Crap. "Oh. Then-"
"I said forget it," Diego said. "You better not show your face at the match. Either of you."
Diego had always been a sensitive one, hadn't he? It was one of those details Five would forget until reminded.
"We can go to the match," Five said. "Like you said, we'll skip a-"
"I don't want you there!" Diego said. "Forget you even heard about it, alright? Christ."
Arguing the point would have the opposite effect, so Five shrugged. "Alright."
“... visit sooner.” Diego was in the kitchen with Mom. “I just thought, after everything, that we’d decided to put more effort in. To act like a proper family, you know?”
Five’s stomach growled, but he did not want any part of this conversation.
“Sweetheart, proper families have relatives who live out of town,” Mom said. “And they have designated holidays for gatherings.”
If he knew what was inside the fridge, if he had the exact placement of the desired items and visualized them in his mind, Five knew he could pluck them through a portal and get away unseen.
“Holidays, huh?” Diego said. “Hey, isn’t Mother’s Day one of those holidays? It’s coming up.”
The turkey should be in a bottom drawer. But was it the left or the right drawer?
Mom giggled. “Yes it is! Should we invite everyone for dinner?”
It would be easier if he had an object he could swap out with his target, but Five didn’t have anything on hand. Unless he used his shoe?
“Everyone but Allison, I guess,” Diego said. “She probably has plans with her kid.”
Fuck it, he could do it without a swap. But where was the bread? In the pantry, but which shelf would it be on? It was difficult to guess.
“She probably does,” Mom agreed. “But we can call her and say hello.”
He created a tiny portal into the fridge and tugged, but he grabbed a tub of butter instead of the desired turkey slices.
“Did you hear that?” Diego said.
Five sighed.
He gave up and walked into the kitchen in time to watch Diego examining the contents of the fridge suspiciously.
“Five, hello! Are you hungry?” Mom said. “I’m making chicken alfredo for lunch.”
“Then I guess I’m eating chicken alfredo for lunch,” Five said. “Is it almost ready?”
“Don’t rush her,” Diego said.
“It’ll be ready in approximately seven minutes,” Mom said. “In approximately seven minutes. In approxima-”
“Mom?” Diego grabbed her shoulders and gave her a little shake. “Hey!”
Five calmly returned the butter to the fridge while Diego fussed over Mom. But he kept an eye on them in his peripheral.
Mom laughed and ruffled Diego’s hair.
“Hello!” she said.
“Are you okay?” Diego said.
“Of course, silly.” Mom glanced over Diego’s shoulder. “Five, hello! Are you hungry?”
Five studied her expression. “I’m a little hungry,” he said.
“What do you think I should make for lunch?” Mom said.
“You’re already making something,” Diego said. “Chicken alfredo, remember?”
Mom looked around and spotted the noodles, which were being boiled on the stove. She opened the oven and found the chicken. “Oh! I’m making chicken alfredo for lunch.”
“Maybe you should sit down,” Diego said.
“Let her continue.”
Diego slammed his fist against the fridge. “Lunch doesn’t fucking matter, Five!”
“It’s not about the food, you idiot,” Five said. “I want to watch her go about her business so I can see if she has any other symptoms.”
“My little technician,” Mom said. “Five is a very good doctor, Diego.”
Five winced.
“What’s she talking about?” Diego was wound up tight, jaw locked, fists clenched.
“I’ve been helping her with maintenance,” Five said. “Since Dad isn’t exactly around anymore to help her sort out her… bugs.”
Diego crossed his arms in front of him. “What bugs? I thought she was fixed?”
Five threw his hands up. “Who do you think fixed her?”
Initially, Pogo had been the one to sort her out whenever there were problems. But he was gone now. Five had been keeping tabs on Mom in his place.
“Now now,” Mom said, offhandedly. “Don’t fight.”
She was stirring the noodles, acting perfectly normal. She grabbed a strainer and drained the water from the batch. “Lunch is almost ready,” she said.
Diego sat down with a huff and they both watched her bustle about the kitchen in silence.
When Mom opened the oven to examine the chicken again, she tutted. “Needs a bit more time.”
Five thought carefully before speaking, but finally he prodded her. “How much time?”
Mom straightened. “Approximately three minutes,” She said. “Approximately three-”
“Fuck!” Diego said, shooting out of his seat. Five warped in between them, shoving Diego back as Mom continued to repeat the phrase. “The hell did you do to her!”
“I tested a theory,” Five said.
“You’re the one who fucking broke her!” Diego said. “Goddammit!”
He could be right. The last time Five had poked around in her programming he’d deleted a few things. That might have upset the balance.
“I’ll fix it,” Five said. “Just-”
“The hell do you know about robots?” Diego said. “You shouldn’t have messed with her head in the first place! She was fine, she’d finally-”
“She wasn’t fine!” Five thought of all those rules that had weighed her down, trapped her, and couldn’t bring himself to regret his actions. But he should have been more careful, perhaps. “Diego, she-”
“Boys!” Mom interrupted. “That’s enough fighting!”
Diego shoved Five aside and flung himself at her, hugging her tightly. “Mom?”
“Yes, Diego?”
“Are you broken?”
Five watched her calmly rub circles into Diego’s back and frown. She seemed to be giving serious thought to her answer. She made eye contact with Five over his shoulder and subtly shook her head.
Diego pulled away from the hug. “Mom?”
She smiled. “I’m getting old, that’s all.”
“You’re not old!”
Five snorted. “Technically speaking, she’s younger than you.”
Diego latched onto the fact. “Right, yeah, did you hear that Mom? You’re the youngest in the family.”
Mom cupped Diego’s face in her hands. “You’ll always be my little boy. You were so small…”
The chicken was in danger of being overcooked. Five took it upon himself to don oven mitts and rescue it.
Mom noticed. “Thank you, dear.”
“No problem.”
She clapped her hands together. “Diego, go let Luther and Klaus know lunch is ready, hmm?”
He looked between her and Five. “But-”
“I’ll do it,” Five said.
“No,” Mom said. “Diego, please?”
He glared at her, but there was no heat in it. It was more of a pout. “Mom-”
“Diego.”
He sighed. “Okay,” he said. “I’ll go get everyone.”
Reluctantly, he stalked out of the kitchen.
Mom looked at Five expectantly.
“It’s not a solution, you know,” he said. “It’s a bandaid.”
“I know,” she said. “But you’ll find a solution later, won’t you?”
“You know I will.”
“Then let’s use the bandaid in the meantime,” Mom said. “Okay?”
“Alright,” Five said. “Fine.”
He held out his hand and she took it, allowing him to teleport her directly to her charging station.
She didn’t need to be charged, but hooking her up to the equipment made the process easier. Or rather, it made it faster.
Essentially, whenever Mom had problems she would shut herself down and wait for Five to turn her back on again. A soft reboot of her systems. They could do it without the charging station, but it would take twice as long.
When Mom opened her eyes, she did not smile. She didn’t frown either, but she looked down at her hands contemplatively and kept her gaze there for a full minute.
“How are you feeling?” Five asked.
“Better, I think.” Mom made a show of dusting off her dress. “Let’s go back before Diego notices.”
So he warped them back into the kitchen and she carried on with her day as if nothing had happened.
Occasionally, Five would get pulled over by the cops. This time he was alone in the car, so they’d insist on driving him to the police station. One officer taking the wheel of his vehicle as his partner followed behind.
“This is why you shouldn’t go out on your own.” Diego sauntered into the station with the delight of a man who is rarely proven right. “You’re technically a minor.”
“And you’re technically a janitor,” Five retorted. “But these halfwits still let you run around with knives, don’t they?”
One of the halfwits in question, a plain clothes detective, laughed good naturedly. “Kid’s got a point, Diego. Maybe we should confiscate those things.”
Diego made a show of aggressively ruffling Five’s hair, barking his own laugh. “Ignore my little brother,” he growled. “He’s just a bitter old… young guy.”
The detective raised an eyebrow at that.
“Right, well, you’re gonna have to ground him or something. This is the third time they caught him driving and this time he was alone. That’s a big red flag.”
“You act like I’m some kind of delinquent,” Five groused, fixing his hair. “I was just going to the library.”
“Sure, kid.” The man gave Diego a look. “Seriously, you’ve gotta be careful. This is the sort of thing that child services takes note of. Your dad’s gone, right? Who’s watching this kid?”
Five bristled at the implication. “This kid -”
Diego clapped a hand over his mouth. “He lives with my other brothers,” Diego said. “Luther and Klaus.”
“Klaus the addict?”
Five shoved Diego away from him, but reined in his temper. He knew attacking a police detective, even verbally, would be foolish.
Especially in a fucking police station.
“He’s clean now,” Diego said. “Look, you don’t gotta-”
“I’m ready to go home,” Five announced. “Alright? Am I free to go?”
The detective patted him on the shoulder, smiling apologetically. “Of course you are, ki- I mean… what was your name?”
“Doesn’t matter,” Five said. He didn’t have time to confuse police officers with his identity.
“His name is Five,” Diego said. “Long story-”
“Diego.”
“Alright! Jeez.” Diego nodded at the detective. “Thanks for calling me, Beaman.”
“Anytime.”
The drive home was eventful.
“So I was thinking,” Diego said. “Why don’t we go to one of those miniature golf courses? You, me, and the guys. A group bro date.”
"What about Vanya?"
“What about her?” Diego’s grip on the wheel tightened.
"Is she one of the ‘guys’ or…?"
“No, Five,” Diego said. “She’s a girl.”
“Well, she should come too,” Five said. “We’re not excluding her anymore, remember?”
“We’d be excluding Allison too,” Diego said. “Sometimes brothers want to do things with just brothers, you know? It’s not about-”
“Allison is in California,” Five said. “Vanya isn’t. If she found out-”
"What about your bro dates with Klaus?" Diego said. “You invite her to those too?”
"That's different."
"It's the same!"
"It's a bargain I made with him," Five said. "Outings of his choice in exchange for his participation in NA."
"He's trying NA again?"
Five tutted. "Figures he'd leave that part out."
"So you'll only hang out with us if you get something out of it?" Diego said. "Is that it?"
"Look, I'll do whatever you want. Golfing or frisbee or whatever." Five noticed Diego was going over the speed limit and thought about pointing it out, but thought better of it. "As long as you invite Vanya too."
"You know what? Forget it," Diego said. "We'll go without you."
"No skin off my back.” If it was just the three of them Vanya would be less likely to take offense. Five could pretend he hadn’t been invited either.
Still, the rest of the drive was palpably silent. Five wondered if Diego might be appeased by a counter offer. An outing with just the two of them, perhaps? But doing what?
Before he could think of anything, they arrived at the Academy. Five got out of the car and Diego drove away.
Diego insisted they celebrate Mother’s Day.
“It had to be on a Sunday,” Five muttered. “Of fucking course.”
He had forgotten about the stupid holiday.
“What’s wrong with Sunday?” Vanya said.
“Nothing. Nevermind.”
They were gathered haphazardly in the living room. Five sat with Vanya and Klaus at the bar and they watched Luther and Diego argue over how to mount the new TV onto the wall.
“Like paintings,” Mom was saying. “And the radio, but combined!”
“I can’t believe Mom’s never seen a TV before,” Vanya said. “I wish I’d thought of that.”
“Your gift is adorable,” Klaus said. He was hugging said gift to his chest. It was a big teddy bear with a smaller teddy bear sowed in place, so that the bigger bear was eternally hugging the smaller. “I just got her a card!”
It was an arbitrary rule, but Sunday was the one day of the week that Five allowed himself to obsess over the timeline. He would scrutinize every public Umbrella Academy mission after Ben’s death and try to predict how Ben’s survival would affect things.
“It’s the thought that counts,” Vanya said. “Man, I just can’t believe we never thought to celebrate before. I guess we didn’t really think of Mom as a person when we were kids? Or as, like, a real mom?”
The real question was, how would Ben’s survival have affected Vanya? Or the course of events that caused, and then prevented, the Apocalypse?
Diego strode over to them with a self satisfied smirk and pointed a remote control at the new TV. It switched on and Mom gasped in delight.
“We were little shits,” Diego said. “But things will be different from now on.”
“Oh, don’t talk like that, Diego,” Mom said. “You were delightful children.”
“Nah, we were gremlins,” Klaus said. “But any-who! Awesome TV!”
The TV was playing a commercial. Some generic car ad, with a happy family carting themselves off on some kind of vacation. Five hated the smiles on their faces.
Luther rubbed the back of his head sheepishly. “I just thought a TV would be nice.”
Maybe it would be wiser to just pull Ben away from 2006 altogether. How old was he then? Seventeen?
“Yeah, yeah, your gift is awesome,” Diego said. “Whatever, here’s mine.”
Diego presented a heart shape locket and everyone gasped and cooed over it accordingly. Mom kissed him on the cheek and held her hair away from her neck as he put it on for her.
Five tried to picture Ben in the room with them, looking like a seventeen year old. Would he be uncomfortable with the age gap? Would he feel out of place?
“Your turn, Five,” Diego said.
Five raised an eyebrow.
“A gift,” Diego said. “Didn’t you get Mom a gift?”
“Oh,” Five said. “Hmm.”
He opened a tiny portal to his room, instinctively grabbing Vanya’s memoir. It was the only sentimental object he had left, and he always knew exactly where it was.
He held the book out to Mom. “You can have this, I suppose.”
“Are you fucking kidding me right now?” Diego growled. “You call that a gift?!”
His copy was old, older than anyone else in the room, and its beaten cover showed its age. Diego snatched it before Mom could and flipped it open, pointing at the pages.
“You’ve written all over it!”
“Don’t be rude, Diego,” Mom chided him. “Give it here.”
For once, Diego didn’t do what she wanted. He closed the book, but held onto it.
“He didn’t get you a gift, Mom.” Diego glared at Five. “He doesn’t even care.”
It was true that he hadn’t planned a proper gift. And already Five was regretting the whim of offering his book to her. He’d kept the damn thing all these years and wasn’t entirely prepared to let it go.
But that was silly. He could easily walk into a book store and buy another copy whenever he wanted.
“Is that…” Vanya tried to grab the book from Diego, but he wouldn’t let it go.
“Yeah, it’s your stupid memoir.” Diego waved the book above their heads. “You’re the only one he cares about, I guess!”
“Hooo, boy,” Klaus said. “There’s a lot to unpack there.”
“Diego, could you calm down a little?” Luther said. “I think-”
“No, Diego’s right.” Five warped onto Diego’s shoulders and grabbed the book from him. “This isn’t a gift.”
He jumped to the other side of the room while Diego swore.
“I apologise, Mother,” Five said. “I came empty handed.”
“That’s okay, dear,” Mom said.
“It’s not okay!” Diego shouted. “Why the hell would it be okay? Even Klaus managed to bring something.”
“Hey!” Klaus waved his birthday card in the air. “This isn’t really a gift either, you guys! I’m still a fuck up!”
Vanya’s startled laugh was brimming with tension. The bottles in the bar behind her clanked with vibrations.
“You know what?” Five said. “I don’t have time for this.”
He teleported back to his room.
But Diego wouldn’t let him go that easily.
“FIVE!”
Five could hear him pounding up the stairs.
“GET BACK HERE!”
In times like this, Five wished Dolores was still around.
Diego pounded on his door. “FIVE!”
She would have reminded him to get a gift. She would have-
A knife poked through the wood.
Five warped to the other side and wrestled Diego to the ground. “Calm down!”
“Fuck you!”
“I’m sorry, alright? Just-”
Diego flipped them over and then there was a knife under his chin. They both froze as it nicked his skin. Diego’s eyes widened and he pulled it back. “Shit.”
“Diego-”
Diego stood, shaking his head. “Fine, let’s just forget it.”
Five sat up. “But-”
“Forget it, Five.” All the anger had drained out of him. Now Diego walked backwards down the hallway, still shaking his head. “I’ll let it go.”
Five stood and warped again, so he was directly in front of his brother. He grabbed his shoulders. “I do care. I do.”
“S-sure.” Diego bit his lip. “Sure, y-you... do.”
“I did everything I could!” Five insisted. “I did the impossible, because I needed you to be alive. All of you-”
“Alive, right.” Diego wasn’t looking at him. He directed his gaze at the ceiling, lip trembling. “We’re alive all-alright. I guess that’s all that matters.”
“Isn’t it?”
“Sure,” Diego spat. “That’s all that matters.”
There was that bitterness again. Five tried to puzzle it out, tried to come up with the words that would fix it. It was so much easier with everyone else, but Diego had never been easily pacified.
Diego shrugged him off. “I’m going back downstairs,” he said. “Do whatever you want.”
“I’ll go back,” Five said. “I’ll go with you.”
Diego scowled. “Fine.”
“Is that not what you want?”
“I don’t know, Five!” Diego spun around, stalking back down the hallway. “Do. What. You. Want.”
I want to rescue Ben, Five thought. I want to bring him home. He should be here for Mother’s Day too.
That goal was far off. Maybe by next year, he’d have done it. But today? He had to take care of the family in front of him.
"I want to join the family,” Five said. “If you’ll have me.”
Diego glanced over his shoulder. His jaw was still tense, muscles tight, but he was slowly loosening.
“Come on then, jackass.”
Five smiled ruefully and hurried after him.