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“Goooood morning, family!” Buck bounced up the stairs and across the mezzanine, dropping easily into a chair across the table from Eddie.
He stared.
Buck’s energy was different, but the same. His smile was radiant, filled with more life than was reasonable for a Monday morning. He’d missed the top button on his shirt, and beneath it, the collar of his t-shirt danced across the hollow of his throat.
Eddie’s fingers tingled, and he wrenched his arms across his chest, dug his nails into his elbows. The inside of his head went fuzzy, like the white noise static of a failed transmission. Something had disconnected.
Cocking his head, Buck gave Eddie a quizzical gaze. “Uhh … you okay?”
Eddie blinked. His mind reconnected, and it was as though everything was black and white, except for Buck. Buck was glorious technicolour, and Eddie couldn’t look away. A vague smile slipped across his mouth and he nodded. “So okay.”
“Uhhh … are you sure?” Buck planted his elbows on the table and leaned nearer, idly reaching for Eddie with one hand. “You look kinda glassy.”
“No, I’m great,” Eddie said, sucking in a sharp breath as Buck’s hand closed gently around his wrist. His fingers touched the delicate skin there, soft and warm and ever-so slightly rough. There was concern in the press of his fingertips. “Really great,” Eddie breathed.
A quizzical line pulled across Buck’s brow, the corner of his mouth twisting. “Did you come to work drunk?”
Chuckling, Eddie grinned at him. “Of course not. You’re so funny, Buck.”
“Okay…” Buck agreed. “But I wasn’t actually joking.”
“So funny,” Eddie repeated.
Buck took his hand away and Eddie felt like the air wooshed out of his lungs to follow. Disappointment stole through his veins and he had to fight the urge to reach out and grasp Buck’s fingers.
Shaking his head a little, Buck gave him one last bemused glance before leaning back in his chair again. “Well, I’m planning to get a workout in if you wanna join me?”
“I’ll be there in a minute,” Eddie said, letting his fingers bite a little deeper into his elbows.
“Cool,” Buck replied, and levered himself up. Eddie’s gaze caught on the flex of his belly as he stood from the chair, lingered on the tuck of his shirt, the snug wrap of his belt. Buck turned and strode back towards the stairs.
Watching him go, Eddie blinked suddenly and frowned. Confounded, his eyes darted around the table, and he discovered Hen staring openly at him.
“What the hell was that?” she asked, grinning slyly.
Unfolding his arms, Eddie scrubbed one hand through his hair and met her gaze with utter confusion. “I have no idea.”
<* - *>
“There you are,” Buck said when Eddie finally made his way to the gym.
The easy reply died on his lips the instant his eyes landed on Buck. Mouth open, Eddie’s gaze swept along the length of Buck’s body, damp and glistening with perspiration. His sweat-soaked t-shirt clung to his muscles, hinting at the shapes underneath. Eddie stared and shivers coursed across his skin.
“Seriously, are you okay?” Buck asked, easing a pair of kettlebells to the floor and strolling towards Eddie. “You look so spacey today. Are you dizzy? Light-headed? Feverish?” Reaching out, Buck rested the back of his hand against Eddie’s forehead. Wanting to bat it away, Eddie found that his arms would not obey him. He simply stood there as Buck shuffled nearer and fixed him with piercing concern.
“You don’t feel warm,” Buck said, frowning. He took his hand away and Eddie had to swallow the words that burst onto his tongue: don’t stop touching me .
Clearing his throat, he murmured instead, “I’m fine,” and pushed a smile across his face.
Looking unconvinced, Buck gazed at him a moment longer. “Okay,” he said slowly, offering Eddie a bemused smile. “But don’t push yourself, alright? I’ll be watching you.”
“You will?” Eddie stared at him, eyebrows sliding up.
“Absolutely,” Buck said, gripping his shoulder briefly. “You need someone to watch out for you. I know what you’re like.”
“Buck, I’m honestly fine,” Eddie said.
Buck’s eyes narrowed affectionately. “Sure you are, buddy. You wanna spot me?”
“Yeah,” Eddie said. “Sure.”
Getting himself in position, Eddie immediately regretted his decision when he glanced down at Buck settling onto the bench. His muscles flexed and shifted as he reached for the bar, and his t-shirt skittered up to show a stretch of firm, pale skin.
Sinking his teeth into his bottom lip, Eddie couldn’t tear his eyes away. Tingling warmth spread like a meandering delta through his body and spiralled into his loins.
Snatching a sharp breath, Eddie took a dazed step back, noticing as Buck immediately returned the bar to its cradle and swung himself upright. “Are—”
“I think maybe you’re right,” Eddie said, shuffling backwards, moving away from Buck’s concern, away from the inviting sheen of his warm skin. “Maybe I don’t feel so well. I’m gonna go lie down for a bit.”
“Okay,” Buck started, clambering to his feet and taking a step forward. But Eddie didn’t wait to hear what else Buck had to say; he escaped before he could get close.
<* - *>
Lying face down on his bunk, Eddie groaned.
It wasn’t possible. It couldn’t be possible. He refused to entertain the possibility. It wasn’t. He wasn’t.
Clawing his fingers around the pillow, Eddie grit his teeth and groaned again. Because it was. He was .
His body wanted Buck. He wanted touch, he wanted skin, he wanted sex. With Buck. He wanted to fuck his best friend.
“Eddie?”
Tensing, Eddie’s fingers contracted hard before he forced himself to release the pillow and eased himself upright. Bobby was standing near, watching him curiously. Clearing his throat, Eddie pushed a reluctant smile across his face. “Uh, hey, Cap.”
“Buck said you’re not well,” Bobby said, his tone gentle, inviting. “Do you need to leave? We can cover you.”
“I’m fine, Bobby,” Eddie said, his jaw tightening with annoyance. Of course Buck had said something. Like it wasn’t bad enough Hen had already witnessed him being weird, now Bobby knew as well.
“Are you? Honestly?”
“Honestly,” Eddie repeated. “I just needed a little space.”
Bobby frowned. “Has something happened between you and Buck?”
“No,” Eddie said, forcing himself not to grind his teeth. He refused to be found out. Not so immediately, at least. “Of course not. What could possibly have happened?”
Eyebrows sliding up, Bobby considered him. “I don’t know, but even the closest of people can have rough times. If something’s going on between you, I’d like to know about it. Maybe I can help.”
“There’s nothing,” Eddie said, a touch too forcefully. Bobby’s right eyebrow crept a little higher. “Honestly, Cap. I would tell you.”
“I’m not sure that you would,” Bobby said with good humour, giving Eddie a wry smile. “And if things get weird, I’m gonna be back. In the meantime, you do what you need to do.”
“Thanks, Bobby,” Eddie said, and as Bobby turned to leave, he planted himself face down in his pillow and groaned again.
<* - *>
A spicy cologne filled Eddie’s senses, something rich and earthy mingled with traces of water and soap and a floral shampoo. It tickled his nostrils and he wanted to sneeze, but Eddie couldn’t help breathing deep and deeper.
Buck was sitting beside him in the engine, their bodies bumping lightly together as the truck swayed and rocked along its journey. Buck had been fresh from a post-work out shower when the sirens wailed and they were dispatched. Now, he was sitting beside Eddie and distracting him with the scent of his cologne.
“Are you sure you’re okay?” Buck asked, leaning towards Eddie slightly as if that would stop everyone from being able to hear the question across their headsets. “You’re breathing kinda funny.”
“I’m fine,” Eddie said, instinctively arching away as Buck’s nearness triggered a wave of heat that coursed in uncomfortable rivers up his spine. Their closeness was wonderful, but it burned and Eddie didn’t know what to do with the warmth flooding his body. “Stop breathing on me, would you?”
A flash of hurt darted across Buck’s face, but he straightened up and leaned back in his seat.
Guilt latched into Eddie’s heart with tiny, immovable barbs, and he glanced across at Buck. Gingerly, he reached out an apologetic hand and tapped it to Buck’s wrist. Instantly, a pulse of electricity jolted along his nerves and his fingers coiled impulsively around Buck’s arm. He did not want to let go.
Eyes flicking from Eddie’s hand to his face, Buck gave him a quizzical blink and then smiled and shrugged and relaxed back in his seat, Eddie’s hand still wrapped around his wrist.
<* - *>
Being out on a call was a wonderful distraction. As they rattled their way back to the firehouse after, drenched in sweat and cloaked in soot and ash and plaster dust, Eddie stared out the window and ignored Buck’s knee knocking against his with every bump of the engine.
“Alright, hit the showers,” Bobby said as they jumped out of the truck.
Shaking a hand through his hair, Buck beelined for the shower room, but Eddie stalled a while, helping reload the engine and ambulance before following, hoping Buck would be done and dressed before he got there.
Finally stepping into the shower room, he discovered Buck washed but unclothed, a towel wrapped low across his hips.
Eddie’s legs stopped working, and he skidded to a stop, his treacherous eyes dragging across the arch and slope of Buck’s muscles, the scrawl of ink and scars that decorated his skin. Dragging downwards, his gaze halted on the tuck of the towel against a sharp hipbone.
“Eddie?” Buck’s voice cracked through his distraction, and Eddie’s eyes darted up as a bloom of heat rose in his face.
“Are you doing this on purpose?” Eddie snapped.
Confusion warped Buck’s expression. “Doing … what?”
Lips parting, Eddie realised he didn’t have any possible answer. Because Buck wasn’t doing anything out of the ordinary.
Clapping one hand to Eddie’s shoulder, Buck gave him a gentle smile. “Enjoy the shower, buddy. Come and find me when you’re ready to talk about why you’re weird today.”
Stunned silent, Eddie watched as Buck left the shower area to get dressed. Gritting his teeth, he gave himself a mental shake and turned to get undressed, happy to peel off the grimy uniform clinging to his sweaty skin. Gratefully, he stepped beneath a sweeping torrent of hot water and let it slough away the layers of muck coating his body.
Thrusting both hands into his hair, Eddie brushed it back, sending a wave of water rushing down his neck. “What is wrong with me?” he muttered. He shook his head, not daring to say the next words out loud, in case someone came in and overheard: I can’t be attracted to Buck .
But he was, he really was. His body ached with it, and his chest ached too, a dull, gripping pain that curled and twisted and held tight enough to strangle his breathing. Beneath the pain, his heart throbbed with a deep, pining need.
It was as though he had always felt it, and only just recognised it. Thunking his head against the shower wall, Eddie huffed a few deep breaths, water spraying off his lips with each rough exhale. Scrunching his eyes shut, Eddie bit back the groan that scratched at his throat. Thoughts flashed through his mind, faster than he could focus on them.
“What do I do …” he muttered, water slipping onto his tongue.
Sheltering beneath the water for longer than was strictly reasonable, Eddie let the skim of the shower over his body soothe away his confusion, settle the agitation in his mind. Resolved, he finally twisted the taps off and scrubbed a towel across his body before getting dressed and rejoining the team.
<* - *>
Eddie spent the afternoon idly gazing at Buck, trying to stop himself from staring and vaguely wishing for more call-outs to keep him distracted. They came, but they were minor, and did little to keep Eddie’s mind away from the spaces being occupied by Buck.
He sat at the opposite end of the table from Buck at dinner, kept his eyes on his plate, and excused himself for the bunk room as soon as it would not look unusual.
Lying in his bunk, staring at the ceiling, Eddie listened as the others filed in, heard their chatter and the sound of rustling bed covers as they settled in for their downtime. He lay still and unsleeping as talk gave way to slow, slumbering breaths as the crew fell asleep around him.
Lying there, mind spinning around Buck—his mouth, his hands, his hips—Eddie jolted nearly out of his skin when a body lowered itself onto the edge of his mattress.
“I know you’re awake,” Buck whispered, his fingers gently settling on Eddie’s shoulder.
Shrugging himself up, Eddie leaned back on his elbows and gnawed on his lip as he hesitantly met Buck’s eyes. “You, uh. You want something?”
Buck shrugged lightly. “Just to make sure you’re okay. You’ve been off all day. Wanna talk about it?”
Shaking his head, Eddie dropped his gaze.
“Eddie.” Buck’s hand curled fully around his shoulder, fingertips digging into the muscle. “I’m worried, alright? If you really don’t wanna talk, I won’t push you, but … I know something’s up.”
Gaping at him, Buck’s obvious concern, the depth of compassion glowing in his earnest eyes, Eddie was suddenly acutely overwhelmed. A surge of gratitude, twisted with swirling affection, rushed through his chest and Eddie’s breath escaped him on a gasp of unplanned words: “Oh my god … I’m in love with you.”
Buck’s fingers tightened brutally on Eddie’s shoulder. “You’re what?”
Eddie’s eyes peeled wide and he tried to shake Buck free, but he would not release his grip. He knew he should say something else, that he should take the treacherous words away again, but his teeth were grit too tight; no words could get through them.
Leaning nearer, Buck filled the empty space between them with his warmth. His voice was achingly quiet, head tipping awkwardly from side to side. “Did you say that you’re in love with me?” he whispered.
Chewing his lip again, Eddie tasted blood. Wicking his tongue across a coppery smear, he sat perfectly still, said nothing, forced himself not to nod.
Eyes pinching tight, Buck frowned at him. “Eddie, surely there’s more you want to say.”
Panic running icy rivers along his nerves, Eddie licked his lips again, eyes flickering across Buck’s face, trying to anchor himself in its kind familiarity. “I…”
Finally, Buck’s fingers released, but his hand smoothed warm and wide across Eddie’s arm, curved around the arch of his bicep, soft and reassuring. “Eddie, did you mean it?”
Eyes floating shut, Eddie pressed his tongue to the stripe of blood on his lip. Despite himself, he nodded. And he knew it was true, he knew it absolutely, the spontaneity of the realisation in no way affecting the truth of it. He was in love with Buck. He was in love, and he wanted to be with Buck.
Buck’s reply was uncharacteristically hesitant. “And you’ve … just realised it? Just … just now?”
A dozen swear words danced through Eddie’s mind as he nodded again.
“Fuck me,” Buck murmured. “Eddie, you are unbelievable. So … is this why you’ve been weird all day? Acting like … oh my god!” Understanding flashed into Buck’s tone. “You’ve been acting like you do when you have a crush.”
Blood roared into Eddie’s face, flushing him with heat.
Buck’s other hand settled on Eddie’s neck, thumbtip pressing gently into the hollow of his throat. “Eddie,” he whispered, ardently.
Eyes slitting open, Eddie squinted at him but said nothing.
Buck went on, unprompted, meeting Eddie’s narrow gaze with wide blue eyes, glinting through the nighttime shadows. He said, “I love you too.”
Eddie’s eyes flashed wide, his head jerking roughly in a disbelieving shake. “You…?”
“I love you too,” Buck said again, with incredible gentleness. “Does it scare me that you’ve only just realised how you feel? Yeah, a little. Do I still want to pin you to this cheap fucking mattress and immediately make out with you? Oh my god, yes, I want that a whole fucking lot.”
Stunned, silent, Eddie gaped at Buck through the dark. Slowly, he raised one shaking hand and dusted it over the fingers resting against his neck. Curling his hand around Buck’s, Eddie dug deep and searched for words. They came out in a delicate rasp. “I want that too.”
“Then you can have it,” Buck promised, a sweet smile tipping his mouth. “Although, I think we should probably wait until after our shift ends.”
“ Please wait.” Another voice cracked through the sleeping sounds of the quiet bunkroom, and Eddie flinched beneath Buck’s hands as he snapped his gaze towards Chimney’s bed. He could barely make out the shape of him through the dimness, but the pain in his voice was unmistakable.
Buck appeared unbothered. “Do you mind, Chim? This is a private conversation.”
“Then take it somewhere actually private,” Chimney replied evenly, before flipping over in his bunk and turning his back on them.
Sliding his palm up Eddie’s shoulder, along his neck, around his jaw, Buck brushed his fingertip against Eddie’s mouth. “We’ll pick this up in the morning,” he whispered. “Goodnight, Eddie.”
Everything inside him hollered not to let Buck go, not to let him leave, not to stop touching him. Eddie’s hand convulsed around Buck’s, and very gently, he pressed a kiss to Buck’s finger, before whispering, reluctantly, “Goodnight, Buck.”
Hesitating, Buck swayed on the edge of the mattress for a moment, before curling both arms around Eddie’s body and hauling him into a warm, hard hug. He held Eddie for long, tender moments, held him with such obvious care, like he mattered , and Eddie sank into it, relaxed against Buck’s warmth, surrendered to him. His own arms wrapped tight around Buck’s body, holding him close, not wanting to release him.
“Please stop and go to sleep,” Chimney interrupted them again.
“We’re just hugging!” Buck replied, his voice a little louder than before.
“And who knows where that could lead,” Chimney muttered.
Flushing again, Eddie very unhappily extricated himself from Buck’s embrace. Buck watched him, and smiled gently. “It won’t lead anywhere you’re uncomfortable with,” he murmured, catching Eddie’s eyes.
Smiling softly, Eddie gazed back at him. “You better go,” he whispered. “Before I show you just how comfortable I am with you.”
Excited, and somewhat smug, a grin stretched across Buck’s face. “I look forward to finding out.”
“I can still hear you!”
“Go to sleep, Chimney,” Buck said, not looking away from Eddie. For a moment, Eddie thought Buck was going to kiss him—and then he sighed, and pressed two fingers to his mouth, kissing them instead before moving them to rest against Eddie’s mouth. “See you in the morning, Eddie.”
Grabbing Buck’s hand, Eddie held him in place just long enough to return the kiss, to peck Buck’s fingers before guiding them back to his lips. And then Buck smiled and got to his feet, throwing Eddie one last, longing look before padding back to his own bunk.
Sinking down in his bed, Eddie grinned up at the dark ceiling. He could still feel Buck’s energy, his wonderful radiance, his warm confidence. It touched him. It was all for him. Feeling almost drunk, Eddie let his eyes drift shut. He knew Buck would be waiting for him in the morning.