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Donatello Hamato has always been somewhat... morally questionable. His brothers knew this; he knew this; anyone who knew him for more than five minutes knew this. However, this does not mean he doesn't care. He cares in his own way. Perhaps that's why it hurt him so much to see what horrific actions his hands are capable of committing. Perhaps that's why he reached the point that he did so fast.
The first time Donatello took another person's life, he already knew that's what it would be: a first. Before it all, he had been separated from his brothers in a fight with the new mutant, Meat Sweats. He described how he wanted to eat Donnie, and how delicious turtle meat is. Donnie wasn't a huge fan of being tied to a spit to roast. He doesn't remember anything of the fight after that. All he knows is that he woke up and Leo had grabbed his face, pulling it away from anything in the room.
"I'm sorry for touching you without your permission, but it is very important that you do not look down or behind us," Leo spoke with urgency, a tight grip held on Donnie's chin.
"Wh- what?" As he came aware of everything around him, he felt the thick molasses-like texture coating his body, saw the movie on the projector, smelled the tea and tasted it on his tongue. "Why- why do I feel sticky? What happened?"
"Promise me. Promise me you won't turn around or look down until we tell you you can."
In his mind, he put some of the pieces together. He lost a chunk of his memory, they're looking at him urgently, Raph looks sick, he's covered in a thick and sticky substance. He didn't like the image that was being painted.
"Promise." Donnie flinched at Leo's intensity.
"I promise I won't look." If Donnie was right, and they were looking at what he thought they were looking at, then he didn't want to look anyway.
"You went feral. You- you were attacked by Meat Sweats-" Leo glanced back at Mikey and Raph awkwardly.
"I- I remember that," Donnie said hesitantly. Please tell me I'm wrong. Please tell me I didn't take someone else's life. Tell me I'm not covered in someone else's blood.
"He put you in enough danger that you must've snapped." Donnie had never been good at identifying facial expressions, but even he knew that Leo was looking at him with pity.
"Oh- oh god, I'm gonna be sick." His stomach rolled in his gut. He would have grabbed his torso, but then he would have had to feel all of the coagulating blood. He would have had to face more of the reality that he didn't want to.
"It's not your fault!" Raph jumped in. Leo released his face, and Donnie didn't look down or behind him. "If what Raph does when he gets all weird isn't his fault, neither is this yours." If Donnie were looking, he probably would have seen Leo giving Raph a grateful look, or saw Mikey trying to think of something to say.
"I'm sorry you had to see that. I'm sorry you still have to see it. Can we- can we just go home?" They all nodded. "And maybe hose me off before I go throw up."
"Yeah. We can do that. Come on." Leo tried to smile, but it only came out as a faint grimace.
They headed home, and as promised, they hosed Donnie down without him looking at the blood that covered him. He bid them farewell and then rushed off, asking for some alone time. In his bed, he curled up, blaring his music from his headphones. He didn't let himself think of the undesirable. He kept his mind on light topics. Well, he kept his mind on light topics for as long as he could until the darkness seeped in. When he fell asleep that night, he dreamed of blood.
Mikey, Leo, and Raph all kept a closer eye on Donnie a few weeks after the incident. That's what it was referred to as. The Incident. That is, if it was ever referred to at all. Donnie didn't know they referred to it like that, had never heard them speak of The Incident. His brothers just tag-teamed in a similar manner to the way they treated Raph. Someone was always there to keep Donnie out of too much danger.
Mikey could tell he was trying to ignore it all. He kept trying to have Dr. Feelings talk with Donnie, but he didn't get very far. Instead, Donnie would apologize over and over again as he tried to get Donnie to open up about it. Mikey tried to tell Donnie that he didn't need to feel guilty for something that wasn't his fault, but he wouldn't listen. He always had been stubborn.
That brought him to that moment. Mikey and Donnie were trying to get something from Repo Mantis, and things went sideways pretty quickly. Mikey could hear them both, fighting each other. He could hear Repo's taunts. Mikey tried to counteract it all by shouting things like, "You're going to be okay!", "Everything will be fine!", and, "I won't let anything happen to you!"
Unfortunately for both of them, Repo said, "By the time your orange brother finds you, you'll be nothing but a pile of meat."
"No! NononononononononONONONONONONONO!" Mikey heard a crunch followed by screaming and rather quickly, there was silence.
He arrived at where Repo and Donnie were at and found Donnie standing over Repo's body, thick black goop (blood?) dripping down his hands. The viscous liquid looked like a sick imitation of gloves.
"Oh god, not again."
Donnie's head snapped over to where Mikey stood. He was calmer, though, than when Mikey had first seen him in that state.
"Hey, Donnie..." Mikey raised his arms, keeping them in Donnie's sight. "I'm a friend, remember? I'm your brother." Donnie snarled softly as Mikey stepped towards him, eyes locked on Mikey's nunchaku.
Projecting his movements, Mikey grabbed the nunchaku and threw it away from himself. "See? I'm not here to hurt you. You're safe now." Mikey kept his voice calm and level as if he were speaking to a wild animal. Some part of Mikey told him he technically was. Donnie tilted his head in confusion. "Yeah, see? I'm going to come forward. Is that okay?" Donnie didn't reply. "Yeah, I figured you wouldn't be able to understand me." Mikey slowly stuck his leg out, shifting his weight in the most sluggish step that he had ever taken. Donnie followed Mikey's movements with his eyes. He watched as Mikey made each step, movements stiff and deliberate. Finally, he was right before Donnie. "I'm so sorry," he said, pulling Donnie into a tight hug. He felt the thick blood smear on his front and sides.
After a moment, Donnie hugged back, shoving his face into Mikey's shoulder. "I did it again, didn't I?" There was a hollowness to Donnie's voice. It was emptier than a pinpricked egg, flatter than Mikey had ever heard his voice before.
"It's okay, Donnie. I'll do better to make sure you're never put into this position again." Mikey pulled Donnie's bandana down, keeping him from seeing any of the blood all over Donnie and himself. "Let's go home. I'll hose you off and we can nap together while Jupiter Jim plays in the background." Donnie nodded.
On the walk back to the lair, Mikey texted Raph and Leo.
Mystic Mike
Donnie went feral again
Buff Man
did he
you know
?
Mystic Mike
he did
The Blue Twin
what triggered it?
Mystic Mike
we were attacked by repo mantis while trying to get something he had and we got separated
repo got really close to killing him so he snapped
i feel really bad for putting him in that position in the first place
Buff Man
its not your fault
just get him home, alright?
Mystic Mike
i will
Mikey put his phone back in his pocket and sighed. "You doing okay, Donnie?"
"I'm doing about as well as can be expected." He paused. "Did you tell Raph and Leo?"
"Yeah." After deliberation, Mikey continued. "We don't blame you, you know. We just gotta make some safeguards so that you aren't put in a position where you feel like it's your life or someone else's."
"You think this will happen again?"
"I think we need to be careful to make sure that it won't."
Donnie went quiet. Guilt churned in Mikey's gut. It tore Raph up inside, knowing he would get close to hurting his brothers. He could only imagine what it was like for Donnie to go all the way to taking someone else's life without even being lucid enough for it to be an active decision.
Usually, he would try to fill the silence with mindless chatter to help the heavy mood between Donnie and himself, but he couldn't think of anything other than That's two people dead by my brother's hands, and there was nothing I could do to stop it until it was too late.
Mikey couldn't help but be glad Repo was dead. He deserved it for saying that to Donnie. He deserved it for meaning every word of it.
He didn't say it out loud, but he feared what would happen if Donnie lost control in a more public place. Would he kill an innocent? Donnie had always been one to internalize everything. Mikey could only barely get him to talk about what happened with Meat Sweats, and he was sure it wasn't helping. That was the closest he had seen Donnie get to crying in a long time.
Mikey thought about what they could do to keep this from happening. Mikey knew there was no way they could convince Donnie to stop going on their patrols and missions. Donnie would only feel useless if he wasn't there to have Mikey, Raph, and Leo's backs. On top of that, Splinter wouldn't let Donnie stop saving lives. He could practically hear Splinter's voice. Purple just has to learn control.
Maybe Donnie could always have two people with him when he isn't in the lair. That way if one of them separated from Donnie, the other could still be there to ensure he didn't snap. They could bring April in on it. That would mean telling April about Donnie going feral, though, and Donnie wouldn't take too kindly to them doing it without his permission. So that one would have to wait a little bit.
"I'm sorry." Donnie broke the silence as the sewer grate. "I know that can't bring them back, but I am."
I'm not. Mikey thought.
"You have nothing to be sorry for," Mikey reassured him.
"Yes, I do." He didn't explain further and Mikey got the sense Donnie wanted it dropped, so he didn't say anything else. Once they arrived back, Mikey made sure to hose him down thoroughly. He even scrubbed underneath Donnie's nails. When they went to the living room to watch the movie, Leo and Raph and set up the turtle pile nest and got Pizza.
"I don't deserve you guys." Donnie flopped between Raph and Leo.
Raph smiled sadly. "You deserve the world, bud, and don't you forget it." Raph didn't leave any room for argument.
If only Donnie could see how much he truly deserved in life.
The first time Donnie went feral without killing anyone surprised everyone. Mikey, Raph, and Leo had debated on the best way to help Donnie. Whild with Raph, they just needed to ensure he wasn't alone for too long. This was harder. As far as they knew, Donnie got triggered by life-or-death situations. Their entire job was to put themselves in life-or-death situations. So far they got, "Don't let him be alone when outside of the lair," He was alone both times he snapped, but only when feeling unsafe. There was also, "Make sure he can't kill anyone if he does go feral." It wasn't a thing that they knew they could enforce, but it was the best they could do with the information they had. As terrible as it was, they needed Donnie to snap again before they could find anything that counted as proof.
Raph felt that if someone did make Donnie snap, they earned whatever sick punishment Donnie had to dole out. IF someone dares to put Donnie's life in danger, then they deserve it.
So, when Mrs. Cuddles turned out to be a being that feeds on fear and grows ever larger, Raph's first thoughts weren't that they could see Donnie snap and create it a solution; it was more, "DONTDIEDONTDIEDONTDIE." So, when he was on one side of the room and Donnie was on the other with Mrs. Cuddles between them, and he saw Donnie stumble back, shaking violently before suddenly stopping, Raph just knew.
Donnie didn't kill Mrs. Cuddles that day, but not for lack of trying. That being said Mrs. Cuddles ended up becoming terrified of Donnie and went back into the case, begging to be taken back to the studio.
After everything calmed down and Donnie fell asleep, Raph rushed out of his room to the impromptu RLP (Raph, Leo, Mikey) meeting. "He snapped again and he didn't kill anyone!" He said optimistically. How messed up do their lives have to be for him to be this calm about Donnie going feral in only three Weirdness Episodes (Raph's title for his own episodes)?
"You saw him snap this time. Can you describe it to us? Maybe there's something in the snap itself that we can use." Leo spoke first, officially beginning the meeting.
"Raph can try. Donnie was all shaky-like before he went still. He tried to kill Mrs. Cuddles, but she's made of cotton so it didn't work. That being said, she's terrified of him now
"He must've been terrified. How big had she gotten?" Mikey asked.
"Big."
"So this giant rabbit with crazy eyes looms over Donnie and speaks the way she speaks. He was probably imagining the hell she'd put him through and realized he was facing the possibility of being consumed whole. Mikey and Raph nodded. How can we get to where he doesn't, you know, get to that point? It's not like we can make him stop feeling fear." A pause. "I mean, we could, but it's very frowned upon."
Raph glared at Leo with no heat.
"I'm just worried about Donnie." Mikey picked at his nails. "He's not doing too great. I hugged him, and he had just asked me if he had 'done it again'. He sounded so... defeated. I'm worried he'll do something rash to stop himself from hurting someone else again. I don't want to jump to any conclusions, but I've seen him acting jumpier than normal. He's staring off into space more, and he's been avoiding any more meetings with Dr. Feelings."
Raph knit his non-existent eyebrows together. "You're saying he might-"
"That's not what I'm saying. I'm saying we should be careful to make sure he doesn't."
Leo nodded. "Prepare for the worst, hope for the best right?"
"Prepare for the worst, hope for the best," Raph echoed.
Thoughts of Donnie dying by his own hand filled Raph's mind. He didn't get much sleep that night.
Leo knew his twin. He knew the guy he lived with, the purple to his blue. The Disaster Twins, the Bruise Duo. They have been inseparable since birth. They shared a bedroom for years because they didn't want to depart from each other any more than they had to. So, seeing his brother hurting killed him. Seeing Donnie work away over machine after machine to make up for his unwilling murder of two people. That's why it hurt him so much when that two turned into an uncountable number as quickly as it did.
The plan was simple: Get the foot clan outside the foot shack before blowing it to kingdom come. It was a simple plan for a simple task. Donnie didn't even need to leave the Turtle Tank. Leo was the distraction, contact constant between him, Donnie, Mikey, and Raph. Mikey and Raph's jobs were to place the bomb and get out. So, when the call cut off abruptly, the last thing Leo heard was a strangled cry from Donnie before he turned and created a portal to the Turtle Tank to save Donnie before he did anything he would later regret. He didn't realize that the foot clan would still be in the building because he didn't do the distracting.
At the Turtle Tank, no one was there.
"FUCK!" Leo punched a nearby tree as hard as he could, breaking skin at his knuckles. Raph and Mikey tried to check in, but Leo was too busy trying to find Donnie. Then the foot shack blew, shaking the ground, and it all caught up to Leo. They were all still inside. They were all now dead. He watched in abject horror from a distance as the building went down, creating a crater in its wake. They could lie to Donnie about this. He knew he had killed someone, but they didn't have to say who. They could just tell him he killed the lieutenant or the brute. They did not have to tell him the whole story.
Raph spoke over the intercom first. "What happened?"
"I think someone in the foot clan took Donnie from the Turtle Tank, and in his panic, it triggered the emergency release. You know, the one we forgot even existed?" From the very beginning, there was an emergency release built into every single one of Donnie's bombs that reacted to high-stress levels. It wouldn't set off if one of the Mad Dogz were within blowing distance, but if they were all a safe distance away, the bomb would go off. That meant something went royally wrong. Again.
"We gotta find Donnie before he or someone else gets hurt," Mikey said. Leo agreed silently.
Leo typed a few things into the Turtle Tank monitor and saw, thank god, Donnie had a tracker as well, and they could follow him that way. He informed Mikey and Raph of where to go and listened closely for when they found him. They didn't say anything, but Leo could imagine how they found him: covered in blood, standing over a mutilated body, with his secondary eyelids closed.
"We're friends. This is your brother, too," Mikey said. Donnie didn't hiss. That's good. Maybe Feral Donnie and Regular Donnie have separate memories, so they could get him to a calm state easier the more they meet Feral Donnie. Because, at this point, Leo knew they'd be meeting him frequently.
"Hi, Donnie." Raph sounded nervous, which made sense. He'd never been good with blood. All of Raph's freak-outs are internal, but they're freak-outs nonetheless.
"We're going to walk towards you. The crunch of the leaves reached the coms. "I don't know if you should hug him. You're a bit big; it might seem like a threat of violence to him. No offense."
"None taken."
Silence. It took a while, then Leo heard crying. He thought Mikey had started crying for a second, but then realized it was Donnie. Donatello Hamato was crying. Leo felt like crying as well. "I can't keep doing this. I can't- I can't keep losing control. If- if this happens again, I need you to- you have to stop me"
"No." Raph's voice was firm.
"You can't possibly considering- it's- you can't-" Mikey seemed to be at a loss for words.
"I can't be the reason someone else dies. I can't do it." Leo flinched at the bluntness. There was no way in hell they'd tell Donnie what he had done. If he was already considering his own death after his body count reached three, how would he react to his actual body count? They would be restricting any and all information that he receives when it comes to the foot clan. Leo could not lose his twin, his other half, the purple to his blue. Hell could freeze over and the ocean could be set on fire, and they would STILL not consider the possibility of taking a permanent solution to Donnie's problem.
"Nonono, look at me. Don't look behind you." Mikey sounded like he was on the verge of tears.
"How many people are dead because of me, now? Did I kill more than one this time?"
"No. No, just the one," Mikey reassured him. Raph stayed silent, too worried about how bad he was at lying.
"I suppose that's good. Minimize the damage I can cause." Donnie's voice returned to the same monotone neutral he usually wore.
"Come on. We'll take you back to the Turtle Tank. You can tell us about the new upgrades you made last night," Raph suggested.
Donnie's voice got excited but wasn't nearly as upbeat as usual when talking about his tech. When Donnie, Raph, and Mikey returned, Leo's eyes immediately got stuck on how little blood there was the last time. That was good, he supposed, a quicker death. A quiet voice in the back of his head said that Meat Sweats deserved what he got. He put his brother in danger. He was going to kill Donnie. No one is allowed to KILL HIS BROTHERS.
"Hey, Dontron!" He waved, presenting the bucket of water he had prepared. Donnie closed his eyes and dipped his hands in, scrubbing thoroughly. Leo dumped the bucket in the grass before Donnie could see the red. It's better this way, Leo told himself. If he doesn't see, he may be less guilty. They didn't talk about it all the way home.
Patrolling existed somewhere between calm and stress. Raph found it to be the most therapeutic time of his day. Maybe that was his downfall. When Hypno and Warren attacked, he didn't see any problem with it. They had already attacked a few times and they were able to deal with it pretty well. So when things started to hit the fan, they hit the fan hard. Raph only felt bad for the guilt Donnie felt. He didn't feel bad for what caused the guilt.
How can you defend each other if you're not even there to do so?" Hypno asked, throwing his arms out. Raph felt the ground fall out from beneath him and the world disappeared in a puff of smoke.
"FUCK! Donnie, where are you?" Leo asked, panic filling his voice.
Raph didn't bother telling Leo to watch his language. He was too busy panicking.
"I- I can't see. I can't see anything." Donnie's words punched Raph in the gut. "I- I don't- I can't-" He took a shaky breath.
"Donnie I need you to breathe with me, okay? Can you do that?" Mikey spoke calmly.
Donnie didn't reply. Raph didn't want to think of why he wouldn't. Mikey started walking him through the breathing exercises. In for five, hold for seven, out for eight, repeat. Raph sighed in relief when he saw Hypno chose to attack him first. He shut off the comms, so he wouldn't cause any more distress to Donnie than he was already in.
They had a chance. A chance was all they needed to make sure there wouldn't be more blood on Donnie's hands. At least, not more blood that Donnie didn't consciously put there.
The fight went about as well as it could have. It was easy. It was nearly too easy. He didn't want to overthink. He could just accept a win. This once, they could have an easy win. He wasn't that surprised when Hypno's unconscious form disappeared in a puff of smoke. Yeah, it was too good to be true.
Apparently, Mikey, Leo, and Raph all had the same idea of cutting off contact on the comms to save Donnie. When Raph reconnected, he heard the tail-end of Hypno's death. Donnie snarled, and with one horrifically wet crunching sound, Hypno went silent.
Raph numbly followed where he thought the Turtle Tank was. He drove to where the trackers said his brothers were, picking each of them up. He watched, unseeing, as Mikey and Leo pulled Donnie into a hug and held his quivering form until long after he came back to them. Another tally was added to the uncountable collection on the wall. Raph watched Donnie sponge himself down, then they headed home for a turtle pile and some much-needed rest.
Leo and Mikey sat on the kitchen floor, and a tub of ice cream sat between them.
"Can I admit something if you promise not to judge?" Leo asked.
Mikey hummed in the affirmative.
"I don't care that Donnie is killing people. I care that it's hurting him. He could have knowingly become a serial killer, and I would have accepted it. Does that make me a bad person?"
Mikey stayed silent for a moment. "I think we put too much weight on descriptors like 'good' and 'bad'."
"That's not an answer."
"If that makes you a bad person, then I would be a bad person, too." Mikey shoved another spoonful into his beak. Leo looked at him, surprised. "I just want him to be okay, you know? I know I'm not the victim in this, but it hurts me to see him like this. It hurts to know we had to implement more safety measures to make sure Donnie's safe. Safe from himself and safe from others."
Leo hummed in a way that could be translated to "I'll drink to that."
Mikey pulled out a list, passing it to Leo.
"What's this?"
"Read it."
1. Baron Draxum
2. Hugin and Munin
3. Big Mama
4. The Foot Clan
5. Meat Sweats
6. Repo
7. The Purple Dragons
8. Hypno
9. Warren Stone
"If this keeps going, we'll be out of villains to fight," Mikey explained. "I don't know how to feel about that."
"We'd be mostly safe, but at what cost? My little brother's innocence is not worth knowing we won't be challenged in a while."
"I keep fantasizing about the idea of this all being so he can get away with it. The idea he's lying about it so we don't get upset at him, even throw him out, because he killed someone." Mikey paused. "My luck has never been good enough for that to come true."
"It's a nice thought, though. I'd love for Donnie to tell us that he lied about it all."
Mikey nodded. They cleaned up and went to bed without exchanging any more words.
Ever since the kitchen floor conversation Leo and Mikey had, they seemed to come to an understanding of each other. Nods to each other in the hall as Dr. Feelings headed to another meeting with Donnie. Quick glances as Raph talked about how to help Donnie with them. Small looks between each other as Donnie apologized, again. They don't accept any of the apologies, telling him he doesn't have anything to apologize for. He just tells them he does and leaves it at that. Everyone, though, was concerned about everyone else. It was clear in the way they hugged each other like it might be their last. They expressed love for one another more often and had movie nights with each other more often.
Raph had told them that Donnie had approached him for help on how to come with the lost patch of memories. Mikey forced down any jealousy at that. He didn't have the same experiences that Raph had, and therefore Raph would be a better resource for Donnie. Dr. Feelings was there to make sure Donnie talked about it, instead of holding it all in. Donnie and Raph had gotten much closer since it all started, though. Late at night, Mikey would see Donnie leaving his lab and going straight to Raph's room. Raph admitted he was happy about their improved relationship, even if he's sad about the cause of it.
Mikey called an RLM meeting when he started to notice things about Raph. He doesn't regret calling that meeting.
"Raph, I have a few questions for you, and I want you to know that this is a judgment-free zone and no matter what you answer, we will accept it. You are supported no matter what." Mikey smiled. Raph nodded, obviously suspicious.
"Do you care that Donnie is now a mass murderer?" Leo asked.
"Obviously I care! It's tearing him up-" Raph started.
"We're not asking if you care about how it's affecting Donnie. We all care about that. No, we're asking if you care that he has taken lives. Do you care that he's now a mass murderer?" Mikey explained.
Raph went quiet for a moment. "Not really. I know I should. I know I should be upset at the thought of people dying when it could have been helped, but I'm not. I'm upset that it's hurting him." Mikey nodded.
"Do you guys think that this is something we should tell Donnie? That he could have become a mass murderer consciously and we wouldn't have cared?" Mikey pulled at the fidget tangle in his hands.
Leo considered it. "Probably not. He seems to care a lot, and we don't need to add confusion to that." Raph and Mikey agreed. "We'll just provide support where we can and make sure as little goes wrong as possible."
"Should we warn the other villains to not pull stupid crap like Hypno did?" Silence followed Mikey's question.
"Is it bad that I want to say no?" Raph was the first to break the silence. "Like, I know we should try to minimize the death count, but it feels like whatever happens is on them. The bad guys, I mean."
"I just don't know how much more of this Donnie can take before it causes irreparable damage to his psyche. Heck, I don't know if irreparable damage has already been done. I don't want to take advantage of his episodes because the villains deserve to get their just desserts, you know what I'm saying?" Mikey's face scrunched up in thought. Raph and Leo nodded. It'd be easier, though, if they could convince Donnie that what he's doing is okay. It's okay that he's a murderer. It's okay that he loses himself and when he wakes up he's covered in the blood of someone who dared try to hurt him. They could even praise him for taking permanent precautions against the bad guys. They could convince him that it was more than okay that he was a mass murderer. If they could make it to where Donnie didn't feel so much guilt, then maybe everything would be okay.
"Our main goal is to keep Donnie from being hurt. We need to prioritize his physical health over his mental health, though. If he is put into a position where his life is on the line, then it's a no-brainer. We will do everything in our power to keep it from getting to that point, but once it reaches that point, there's very little we can do," explained Leo.
"I mean- we could- I'm not suggesting- but at the same time-" Mikey tried to start several sentences. He took a deep breath and started over. "What if we came up with an excuse, ourselves, to kill them so Donnie doesn't have to?" Raph and Leo considered.
"If worst comes to worst, and Donnie goes feral, we can do it, and blame it on something else. If- if we do it correctly, then we can remove the weight off of his shoulders, and the blood from his hands. Literally and figuratively." Leo agreed after a moment.
"If that's what we need to do to keep Donnie from spiraling any more than he already has, then I'm on board." A pause. "I'm not happy about it, mind you, but I'm in."
"Would you be upset at either Mikey or me for killing someone?"
"No."
"Are you upset at Donnie for killing people?"
"Does the idea of you possibly killing people make you uncomfortable?"
"A little bit."
"Then you don't have to. In fact, it's probably better that way. As morbid as it is to say, there'd be more cleanup required for you, so that Donnie would be none the wiser."
Mikey cute in, "I mean, we are talking about committing murder. I don't think you can get much more morbid than that. "
"True."
Raph gave them both a tighter hug than normal before sending them off to bed. He made sure to remind them of how loved they were. Mikey hoped they were doing the right thing for Donnie's mental health. He hoped things were looking up, if only marginally.
He didn't know what Donnie would do if they weren't.
The plan was cemented in Donnie's head after he was kidnapped. That's what he referred to it as, The Plan. He didn't call it what it was. He already hated that the only solution to his problem that he could think of was a permanent one.
Donnie and his brothers were on patrol when they got jumped by way too many people to be considered plausible. They put up a good fight, but it was hard for his brothers to fight and stay at his side at the same time, so they got a little separated. That's when they drugged and knocked him out. Luckily his battle shell has a built-in mechanism so they couldn't remove it from him.
Donnie knew what was next. He was strapped against a wall (with a special hole in it so that his metal arms couldn't get to him. They strung the rope that tied his hands and feet to the wall through to the other side, as well), medical tools were strewn about, and a tarp was laid down below him. He knew, alright? He did his best to distract himself by thinking up his escape plan, to get out of the Hotel Nexus and away from Big Mama.
He didn't expect Big Mama to be the one to do the threatening and all that, ("Bimbly blood is too much for this spindly spider," he imagined her saying), however, her face was the one that he had to blame this on, so that's the name he blamed it on as well.
An unknown Yokai with a cloaking brooch stepped into the room. "You will do what we tell you to do, or you will face the consequences." The Yokai wasted no time in grabbing a sharp object off the tray. Donnie's heart jumped to his throat, but he didn't let it show. No, he would not let them get the satisfaction of knowing he was afraid.
"It really depends on what you ask of me," He said.
The Yokai looked at him with disdain. "You will do anything we tell you to do, or face pain worse than anything you could possibly imagine." He pressed the scalpel just below Donnie's collarbone. "Are you ready to comply?"
Donnie took a breath. "Just get it over with, I don't know why you feel the need to drag this-" He grunted as the scalpel was pressed into him. Blood bubbled up from the wound quickly, dripping down his front. Small droplets of red landed on the white plastic of the tarp below him. Pain, at that moment, was a 5/10. Bad, but not nearly as bad as it could be. That'll probably change. Donnie thought.
"Whatever Big Mama wants me to do, I'm not-" Once again, Donnie was cut off by his own sounds of pain. Another line was drawn in his flesh, this time his upper arm, and he felt more blood sprout from inside him.
He wished, as he attempted to cut the ropes that he couldn't, you know, see, that he could snap and have blissful ignorance for a while. That didn't happen.
"You will obey."
"You will shut up."
Time stretched into an endless expanse while seemingly passing in a blur. After a while, things became blurry. It wasn't the same as when he went feral. He was still semi-aware. He just sat in the back of his mind, thinking. He planned the angles of his own death. He perfected everything. Then, with the sound of the ropes falling to the ground, there was nothing at all.
Raph wasn't sure what he would fine when he got to the Hotel Nexus, but what he didn't expect to find was a complete massacre of Yokai. Dead bodies littered every floor they came across. There was, however, no sign of Donnie anywhere. That is until they made it to Big Mama's office. Curled up in the corner was their brother. They had to take a step outside to process for a second.
"Hey- uh- guys?" Leo asked, significantly paler than he was before they entered the Hotel Nexus. "Do you- uh- did you see Big Mama seemed to be missing chunks of herself in concerningly bite-like shapes?" Raph did see. He didn't want to think about what it could mean but knew he had to.
Mikey sighed shakily. "We'll burn that bridge when we get to it. For now, let's see how Donnie is doing. I doubt he's doing that well based on all of the everything." Raph and Leo agreed.
They walked back into Big Mama's office and looked closer at Donnie, and Raph nearly vomited. Cuts and bruises covered Donnie's body. The cuts were way too precise and straight for them to be self-defense injuries. No, something much worse had happened. "Donnie?" Mikey called. Donnie hissed loudly, pressing himself further into the corner he had curled up in. "Donnie, it's just me, Mikey, remember?" Mikey placed his nunchaku on the floor, and Leo and Raph followed suit, placing their individual weapons down. "We're here to help you." They all three raised their arms to show they weren't holding anything else.
Donnie didn't calm down.
Raph realized something he wished he didn't. "Wait. Raph has a bad idea."
"Bad ideas are all we have right now." Leo gestured for him to go on.
"What if we blamed all the dead bodies on me?" Raph suggested.
Leo gestured again, for more explanation.
"We could say Raph got all weird because he lost one of his brothers in a moment of high stress, and then say when he found Donnie he killed everyone who got in his way."
"That would give Donnie someone to relate to as well as remove any guilt he may feel about all of the death." Mikey thought for a moment. "He wouldn't blame you, and then we could use that as reasoning for why he shouldn't blame himself, either."
Leo nodded. "I'm in. We'll have you leave, say that Mikey is trying to get you to snap out of it, while I'm getting Donnie to snap out of it. That'd also have him feel less cornered if there's only one other person in the room with him while he's feral."
"I'm in," Mikey said.
"I am too." Leo agreed.
Mikey and Raph left. Outside of Big Mama's office, Raph and Mikey discussed how to better keep up the ruse. "I could- ugh- cover myself in blood so it looks more realistic," Raph offered.
"Only if you're comfortable with it. I'm sure we could come up with some way to explain around it like after you came back, we took you to the fountain in the lobby and washed you off."
"It might give him a sense of companionship, to see that someone else went through what he went through, waking up covered in blood and all that," Raph insisted.
A little while and a lot of blood later, they heard Leo call out to them. "Raph, Mikey! You can come back, Donnie fainted!"
They ran back to the office.
"So you're saying I covered myself in blood for no reason?"
Leo snorted, not replying. He sliced a portal into the air and picked Donnie up. "Come on, guys. I need to patch Donnie up. He isn't looking too hot." They all walked through the portal, a small weight taken off their shoulders. They hoped things would go according to plan.
Donnie woke up in their infirmary. Nearby, Raph, Leo, and Mikey each snored softly. He thought about how The Plan might be impacted by this turn of events. He wondered how long it would take before they trusted him to be by himself for more than fifteen minutes at a time. He shifted, pain shooting throughout his body. He made a mental note to ask for more pain meds when Leo woke up. He knew his brothers would be unhappy if he were to get it himself. Plus, as his injuries healed, it would be very painful to move around and perform basic tasks.
It was best to just let his brothers do what he needed to do. While waiting, he planned new inventions. That always passed the time well. Additions to add to the drill, additions to add to the techbo, ways to improve his current living conditions, and so on and so forth.
"Donnie!" Leo shouted. "You're awake!" Raph and Mikey stirred at the noise.
Suddenly, there were three very stressed turtles crowding around Donnie. "Are you okay? No, wait, dumb question. On a scale from one to ten, how not okay are you right now?" Raph asked.
Mikey stared at him like he was waiting for Donnie to vanish into dust, Leo looked ready to either cry or crack a joke to ease the tension. Raph was crying, just a bit.
"I'm as okay as I can be expected to be. I- I remember more than I would've liked to. What- what happened?" Donnie asked after a moment.
"I- uh- we, well, we want you to-"
Leo cut Raph off. "It wasn't you this time. We want you to know that it isn't at all your fault. Raph, after you got taken, panicked and got all weird. He rushed over to the Hotel Nexus and.." Leo glanced over to Raph as if asking for permission. Raph nodded, so he continued. "He killed everyone in sight."
Guilt painted Raph's features. Horror and understanding filled Donnie's core. "Hey-" Did he really have any room to be comforting Raph? "It's not your fault," Donnie said.
"But it's your fault?" Leo asked Donnie, and he had a point. Donnie still couldn't do it. He couldn't be the puppet that is used to end others' lives. He refused to continue on like that. I'd rather die standing than live kneeling. Donnie remembered the quote.
"I-" Donnie started.
Leo cut off what Donnie was about to say, "Nuh-uh-uh. No ifs, and, or buts. None of what's been happening is your fault. You cannot keep blaming yourself. Especially if you believe that what happened at the Hotel Nexus isn't Raph's fault. It isn't, by the way, Raph. You had no control over yourself. Try not to beat yourself up over it."
Mikey stood up. "It is now breakfast time, I have decided. I'll be back with our food." He briskly left the room, the conversation with him.
Raph and Leo took a step back from Donnie's cot. Donnie didn't note the breakneck 180 they did in conversation, talking about what they hoped Mikey was making, then talking about when Mikey first started watching Rupert Swaggart on TV. Then, the TV shows they used to watch (Donnie ranting for a little bit about Bill Nye the Science Guy and how much of an inspiration he was to Donnie). They stated on light topics, pointedly ignoring the fact that Rupert Swaggart was dead.
When Mikey returned, Donnie was happy to notice that Mikey had made him plain oatmeal. Raph got eggs with sausage and cheese, Leo got French toast, and Mikey made himself crepes. All in all a good breakfast.
Healing was... difficult. He was injured enough that for the first few days, he was completely unable to get out of bed without help. It was a slow recovery. Changing bandages every day, taking antibiotics, and cleaning the injuries were tedious at best. It was difficult, to see the pity in his brothers' eyes.
With every pitiful look, Donnie would be reminded of that which he didn't want to be reminded of. He would think of the pain, the fear. He had more flashbacks than he would have liked. To be fair, he would have liked to have no flashbacks, but that's not the point. Mikey taught him coping mechanisms to help with the panic attacks and prevent himself from getting lost in flashbacks. They only worked sometimes.
Leo's clinginess was so much worse. Donnie couldn't complain. Leo filled the silence and kept his mind off things. Leo would talk about anything and everything. It was nice, having a distraction that followed Donnie around. Once Donnie was finally able to go back to work on his inventions, Leo would sit in his room with him and play DJ. He took into consideration Donnie's taste in music. It was Donnie's lab, after all.
Raph was a bit... much. He checked in with Donnie every fifteen minutes. Donnie could understand why, but it was getting annoying. It was getting in the way of The Plan. Donnie couldn't afford anyone to walk in before it was completed. Raph gave Donnie more gifts during and after the healing process than at any other point in Donnie's life. His bed was becoming more of a nest than a bed. Donnie wasn't complaining about that, either. The softness helped with sensory issues.
Mikey had more Dr. Feelings meetings. Donnie hated those. Mikey would spend an hour trying to get Donnie to talk about what was going on in his head, and Donnie would spend an hour trying to avoid eye contact with Mikey. He didn't want to talk about it. It was all too much. He didn't understand it all, himself. He was afraid to tell Mikey this, though. Mikey wants him to talk about his problems, but Donnie didn't even know how to do that.
Overall it wasn't fun. At best, it was uncomfortable. At worst, it was panic attacks, hiding underneath his bed, hyperventilating, and not being able to pull himself from memories of that room. On one of his walks with Leo, the Hotel Nexus came into view and Donnie got launched into memories again. Any time they went on a walk after that, Leo kept them from being anywhere near the Hotel Nexus. Donnie was eternally grateful.
Donnie couldn't wait for this all to be over. He just needed to bide his time, and this would all be over.
When Warren Stone died, it was quite anti-climactic. He had talked a big game and then didn't deliver. Leo supposed he should have expected that. Warren Stone was a worm with a magical gauntlet. He could cause a lot of damage, but it wasn't directed. In fact, it wasn't Donnie who killed him, but Warren Stone, himself. He lost control of the gauntlet, his arm was ripped off, went flying in circular motions, and then completely obliterated any remnant of Warren that could have regenerated.
It was so anti-climactic that the four turtles sat there for a second, glancing around in confusion.
"We all okay?" Raph asked.
Donnie, Leo, and Mikey agreed. "Noting broken, nothing bruised?" Raph pushed.
"No, I'm-uh- I'm alright," Donnie said.
What happened after Warren Stone's death was less anti-climactic. The Purple Dragons, the tech club at April's school, were back with a vengeance. Based on Donnie's expression, he was pretty upset as well. Leo just wanted to make sure the Purple Dragons wouldn't do anything that they wouldn't have time to regret.
"You ruined everything!" The girl shouted. Leo would ask for their names but didn't care enough. "I'll kill you!" She pulled out a missile launcher. Where she got it, no one had any idea.
"No!" Raph tackled Donnie to the ground. Meanwhile, Mikey wrapped her up in his Nunchucku.
"You really don't want to do that," Mikey said. "I cannot express to you in words how much you do not want to do that." One of the Purple Dragons went to attack Mikey but he was right on top of things and dodged, pulling whoever the guy was to the ground.
"Oh, but we really, really do." The girl said. She ran and jumped on Mikey, who yelped in surprised at her weight and went crashing to the ground. Leo went after the two other guys and wasn't at all surprised that they couldn't hold their own. It seemed the girl was the head of operations. The less a threat they posed, the less likely Donnie would snap. At least, that's what Leo thought until the girl was able to get out of her bindings and pull a gun on Donnie.
Donnie's eyes widened for a second before, surprise, surprise, he snapped. His secondary eyelids closed, turning his eyes pure white. Leo didn't even bother feeling bad. The girl took this upon herself. They did warn her. Donnie tackled the girl to the ground. Leo didn't bother watching. He got the full picture already, listening to the tear of flesh and the other Purple Dragons screaming out in terror. Leo did have a theory that Feral Donnie felt the echoes of the feelings Regular Donnie felt. For example, Meat Sweats (who was about to eat Donnie) was more brutally killed than Repo. This was partially confirmed by the fact that Donnie seemed to take more of his time with them.
By the end, Donnie was drenched in blood and appeared quite satisfied with himself.
"Maybe we should lure Feral Donnie back to the lair and hose him off first," Raph recommended.
"Agreed," Leo and Mikey chimed in. Raph sent Leo off to get some of Donnie's favorite things to lure him with. Before they headed back to the lair, Leo sent the mangled corpses of the Purple Dragons into a portal.
In the end, it was a lot easier to lure Donnie than they thought it would be. They hosed him down, then wrapped him up in soft blankets. Music was playing in the background when Donnie came back.
"This is new," Donnie commented.
"Feral Donnie seems to have different memories than you do. We've been able to get closer faster. He followed after us and we were able to get him all comfortable. We're hoping it means we can help you easier," Mikey said.
"It was nice waking up wrapped in soft blankets and not..." Donnie trailed off, implying the "covered in blood".
"I'm glad." Mikey smiled, all teeth and dimples. "We want to make sure you're as comfortable as possible." As possible, because it'd be too much to ask for him to just be comfortable. Donnie didn't mention the phrasing.
"What happened this time?" Donnie asked.
"You went feral..." Raph began.
"And injured the girl, Kendra, bad enough that they all went running. Leo sent them through a portal so that you wouldn't be able to chase after them," Mikey cut Raph off.
Donnie nodded. "So I didn't kill anyone?"
"No. You didn't kill anyone, this time." Leo squeezed Donnie's shoulder. Donnie hoped they were telling the truth. He told himself his brothers wouldn't lie to him. He didn't believe it.
It had taken a lot of coaxing to get Donnie to leave the lair for the snow day. He insisted that he would be too much of a danger to be outside. It took convincing from everyone except Splinter to get him to go out. That's why it pissed Leo off to no end that Ghostbear had attacked.
"If I wasn't so entranced by our replica Jupiter Jim snowman I would say something like 'Look over there! Push!' Donnie pushed Leo into the snowbank. Was it annoying to be shoved into snow? Yes. Did Leo care? No. This was the most lighthearted he had seen Donnie in a while. He wanted to see it more.
Then the giant white bear with an accent thick enough to cut glass and the ability to turn into a ghost showed up.
Things were going okay until he had Donnie in his grip opening his maw to bite him. Yeah, that would not slide. Mikey wrapped his nunchaku around Ghostbear's neck and pulled. His grip on Donnie loosened, and Donnie jumped at Ghostbear. Mikey became aware of April when she turned around, closing her eyes tightly, and clamping her hands over her ears. She did a full-body flinched at the sounds of Ghostbears screams.
Ghostbear was dead before he hit the ground. There's something to be said about that. Droplets of red blood contrasted with the pure white snow. Cold snow met hot blood. It seemed almost poetic. The ghost was dead at the hands of its victim.
April stayed coiled like a snake about to strike long after Ghostbear stopped screaming, long after Leo sent Ghostbear's body away. It wasn't until Donnie, Raph, and Leo were gone, and Mikey softly placed his hand on her shoulder that she uncoiled. She shook with sobs, pressing her face into Mikey's shoulder. "He's dead. Donnie went feral and killed him!" Her voice cracked.
Mikey stroked her back. "I know. I know." He spoke softly. "He doesn't have control over it. It's not his fault."
"I know it's not his fault. That's why I'm so upset. If he just killed Ghostbear, I'd want it to be because he wanted to, not because of some weird instinct thing." Mikey froze.
"We agree. Leo, Raph, and I. We hate how it's tearing him apart," he told her.
April and Mikey went home, understanding each other just a little better that day.
Baron Draxum knew quite a few things. He was a genius alchemist after all. He created intelligent life. Of course, he knows a lot. That being said, he was not above admitting that he didn't know some things. So, when the villains of New York City started to show up dead, brutally murdered in one way or another, he became confused and curious. The level of brutality in each of their deaths really depended. Meat Sweats was cut to ribbons, Repo Mantis stabbed with his own wing, the Foot Clan was blown to smithereens, and the list goes on.
It wasn't until Big Mama (and everyone else in her hotel) was killed that Draxum started to worry that they would come after him, too. Obviously, this killer was a force to be reckoned with. Massacre after massacre commit for reasons Draxum still didn't know. It was irritating. It was worrying.
On top of that, with fewer villains to take up the turtles' time, Baron Draxum had become more of their focus. He had found out they broke into several of his warehouses and stolen some of his supplies. As time when on they became more and more of a thorn in his side. He decided, once and for all, to snuff the turtle problem. He brought them into this world, and he would take them out. They had squandered his gift and this disrespect would not go unpunished.
It wasn't too difficult to find where the Lou Jitsu and the turtles had set up shop. So, one meaningless afternoon Baron Draxum attacked. Things went off the rails pretty quickly. He barged in, fighting with them. H got quite a few good hits in, and Hugin and Munin quipped back and forth. Then, as he was about to finish the first of the four, the red one, he felt a weight on his back. Claws and teeth tore at his shoulders and he felt chunks of him go. That was new.
Hugin and Munin tried feebly to tear the purple one off Draxum's back. He even batted at the purple one with his vines, but he held strong. As more and more of him fell away, the pain became too much. Blinded by it, he screamed. Falling to the ground, he felt the blood loss become too much. Purple didn't let up. It wasn't until he felt his life slipping from his grasp that he put the pieces together. Oh.
He died, but he died satisfied that he had seen a piece of himself in one of his creations.
The last life Donnie ever took was his own. He'd have liked to say he thought about his own mortality in the end, but instead, he thought about how gross his ceiling was. He waited for the poison to kick in. That's the way he decided to die. He did have impossibly futuristic high-end technology, but he decided to go for poison.
He wanted to have someone else in the room with him but couldn't find it in his heart to force one of his brothers to do that; to be in the same room as a dying person was difficult at best.
He felt it, curling in his veins, burying itself throughout him. The poison worked strong and fast. Every millisecond that passed was more of the poison being worked in his system.
His eyelids drooped. He blinked sluggishly, waiting for sleep. He knew it was coming for him. Death doesn't dream, death kisses with tongue. Donnie remembered the quote, hazy. He hoped what he had left behind was enough; that the suicide note was satisfying and left no room for debate.
He hoped a lot of things, but at the top of the list was that his brothers would be happy.
Dearest Brothers,
I am sorry. I do not wish to bring any burden but it appears that is exactly what I am doing. It seems I've been doing a lot of things against my wishes as of late. I'm writing this to say goodbye. You all deserve much more than that, but unfortunately, goodbye is all I can give you.
If it does anything, I ask you to not feel bad. I figure it's useless to say, but I want to say it anyway. I thank you all for your patience, and I hope this releases the burden I have placed on your shoulders. I hope you find some peace of mind.
Mikey, you will do amazing things. Don't let others make you feel as though you are any less than Raph or Leo. It can be difficult to exist like you do, so I want you to know even if you can't see me, I'm always in your corner.
Raph, you deserve a break every once in a while. Take a breath. You can't constantly give and give without taking a little bit. Make sure to take care of yourself, too.
Leo, I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry. You, like the other two, deserve better. I want you to remember how much I care for you. I hope you do all the great things I know you're capable of.
Don't do anything stupid.
Love, Donnie.
Right before the last of the light seeped out of him, he heard someone knock on his door.