Chapter Text
Donatello Hamato knew he was “somewhat” morally questionable. It wasn’t difficult for him to figure out, with his general mannerisms and affinity for creating weapons of mass destruction. It was easy for anyone who met him to know that he wasn’t what most would consider sane. To be fair, he still held himself at certain distances. He didn’t cross certain lines. Well, he didn’t cross certain lines until he was pushed over the edge.
In the week and a half prior to The Incident, Donnie and his brothers had made a few discoveries that would have been Nice To Know. For one, they were not just accidentally mutated as they had originally thought. No, they were created for war. They were supposed to be raised into soldiers. In fact, Baron Draxum- their creator- still held onto hope that they would aid in the total destruction of the human race, despite them having a human in their midst that they were obviously very friendly with. It was all a lot, so they decided to take a break.
The Lair sat in the middle of a sprawling labyrinth of sewer tunnels. If Donnie were one to exaggerate the truth, he would have said they went on forever. However, Donnie was not one to exaggerate the truth, so he just frequently reiterated exactly how many miles of sewer ran underneath the streets of New York.
“Where are we going, this time, oh brother of mine?” Leo asked from where he was perched on Raph’s shell, distorting his voice slightly to remove most of the inflection. “Did you hear? I sounded like you!”
“Heavy sigh, yes, I heard. We’re headed to a place where I believe I can set up a good skating course. It’ll be straight for another five-hundred feet, then we’ll take a sharp left turn and follow the path down until we get to a-”
“Yeahyeahyeah, we get it,” Leo interrupted, “we’ll just follow you until we get there. We don’t want to hear an entire lecture on where we’re walking. We just want to get there. ”
Donnie took a steadying breath. “Thank you so much for interrupting me, Nardo, he said sarcastically.”
As Donnie and Leo got at each other’s throats, Raph and Mikey muttered back and forth. Donnie wasn’t paying attention to what they were talking about. It could have been anything. If he was really curious, he knew he could look back in his recordings to listen in to the conversation.
“You know, one of these days, I’m going to launch you out of a cannon to see how far you can fly, what with the air resistance against the surface area of your enormous head.” Donnie proudly presented his amazing zing. 10/10, in his opinion.
“Says the one with a five-head,” Leo shot back.
Donnie wasn’t able to give a good retort, because the moment they turned the sharp left turn and Donnie was sent falling down an unplanned hole in the ground into a pool of sewer water. If he hadn’t grown up in the sewers, then he would have been disgusted. Instead, he swam up to the edge and climbed out. It was moments like those that Donnie thanked his aquatic genetics.
“ Donnie? ” Raph shouted, just out of Donnie’s sight. “Are you okay? Are you conscious?”
“Yeah! Yeah, I’m fine. I know where I am. It’s a bit of a fall, just keep going down that path. Once you get to another turning point, wait for me there, I’ll meet you.” Donnie looked around the small cavern in lieu of looking at Raph. He knew his brothers wouldn’t remember many instructions, so he couldn’t shout it up to them. He would text or call, but Mikey broke something in his phone and he didn’t have texting or calling capabilities anymore and he hadn’t had time to look into it. Plus, he still hadn’t gotten his armband to be able to text or call outside of messaging apps, and he went out of his way to not have his brother on any messaging application.
“We got it!” Mikey shouted. “We’ll be there. Be fast, please, Raph’s going to worry.”
Raph sniffled loudly enough that Donnie could hear it. “Yeah, Raph is gonna worry.”
“I’ll see you soon.” Donnie stepped away from his vantage point and began the long trek to his brothers.
“This is just fantastic, he says sarcastically,” Donnie muttered to himself. “ Juuuuust fantastic. ” He didn’t know what it was, but something crawled on his back. It felt like someone was watching him. He didn’t trust such baseless instincts, but it didn’t mean he didn’t feel unnerved. Every once in a while, he kicked a pebble or two. He was mainly bored. The only path to get from where Donnie was to his brother’s stopping point would take a little while. He decided to recite the Periodic Table in order of favorite to least favorite, to pass the time.
“Uranium…” He started off strong.
A little ways away, Donnie heard a snuffling sound. It sounded like a particularly large pig. He stopped in his tracks. Was there something else in the sewers with him, or were those just very strange sewer noises? He wouldn’t be shocked, if it was just a strange happening. Things happened, especially this deep in the tunnels. Donnie brushed off his worries once again. Until he was given proof that he needed to be worried, he would not take up his own mental processes with these thoughts. He had much better things to do.
He resumed his recitation as he walked. He didn’t make it very far before he heard it. Up ahead, someone with a thick accent was talking to themself. It was closer to a mutter than anything. Donnie could only make out a few words and they weren’t very helpful, just simple filler words- “this”, “that”, “like”, and so on. Donnie stopped again. He didn’t know if this person, whoever they were, was dangerous to him. He was even closer to the snuffling sound, and it seemed as if the words were lining up with the inhuman noises.
Carefully, Donnie took another step forward. And another. And another. As he eased himself closer to the mystery person, the person’s words got clearer and clearer. He was talking about… food? He was cooking. The person was a he, as far as Donnie could tell without asking for his pronouns. The person talked about spices and meats and different things that could be made with what he had on hand. Strange, but not the weirdest thing Donnie had heard.
Why was a chef down in the sewers, though? Why would someone who obviously knew what he was talking about come down into the depths of New York? Shouldn’t he have a restaurant or something? A TV show? What happened?
Donnie’s questions were quickly answered when he turned the only corner available to him and found the biggest pig he’d ever seen in his life. To be fair, that wasn’t a very high bar to reach in the first place, but the pig was massive. Not only that, but the pig was standing on two legs and had the basic skeletal structure of a human.
“A mutant…” Donnie muttered to himself. Baron Draxum’s oozequitos had gotten to work, and right in front of him was a human who had mutated into a pig.
Unfortunately, the pig heard him and whipped around to look at Donnie. They stared at each other for a long drawn out silence before the pig mutant’s face spread out into a bright grin. Donnie decided he didn’t like that look at all.
“A turtle…” The pig mutant said, evidently not addressing Donnie. “Softshell…” Donnie was in the middle of trying to figure out if the mutant across from him was a friend, foe, or neutral party when the mutant lunged forward with the clear intent of committing acts of violence.
“Ah, shit!” Donnie scrambled out of the way, dropping into a defensive stance. “What the hell?” The pig didn’t respond, choosing to instead dive for Donnie again, pulling out a meat tenderiser.
“You’ll make a delicious soup, turtle!” The mutant laughed deeply, as if the fear evident on Donnie’s face was hilarious. In a panic, Donnie pressed a button on his armband to send an emergency signal to Raph that sent his location and how to easiest get there direct to Raph’s phone. In hindsight, he should have done that in the first place, but it was better late than never. He made sure to press it twice, which added urgency to the alert.
Now no longer distracted with getting the cavalry on the way to his location, Donnie gripped at where his techbo was supposed to be. It was not there, however. He froze in cold panic, realizing it must have fallen out when he fell through the hole in the ground.
“No…” He muttered.
“Yes!” The pig mutant, who Donnie decided to call Meat Sweats due to his, well, everything, grabbed Donnie around the neck, squeezing tightly. For a moment the question of if Donnie would survive this encounter or not popped up in his mind. Was he in too much danger? Was he going to make it? Would his brothers arrive to find the pig cooking Donnie’s mutilated corpse? The moment passed, though. A new fight ingrained itself into his bones and he bit down onto Meat Sweats’ arm as hard as his turtle DNA would allow (which was quite a lot).
A coppery taste flooded Donnie’s mouth as he bit through layers of skin, tissue, and muscle fiber. His teeth came together with a click as he bit all the way through. Meat Sweats roared, throwing Donnie across the cavern. Pieces of concrete rained down on Donnie from where his battleshell hit the wall.
He spit out the chunk of Meat Sweats’ arm and cringed at the sound it made. Pieces of tissue and sinew stuck in Donnie’s teeth and he had to stop himself from gagging.
“So greasy, what? Do you exclusively eat butter?” Donnie quipped, trying to ignore his immense discomfort. Donnie estimated that, if nothing went wrong for his brothers, he would have fifteen minutes to take down Meat Sweats (non-lethally) and clean up the blood to the best of his ability to save his brothers from the worst of the brutalization. He was on the clock.
“Do you not recognize me?” Meat Sweats asked, clearly offended.
“Should I?” Donnie shot back. He knew he wasn’t exactly in the loop when it came to celebrities, but he felt he was justified. Most of them had their 15 seconds of fame and then vanished into the ether. So, he only paid attention to scientists (and Bill Nye the Science guy, who technically wasn’t a scientist, but Donnie loved him anyway).
Meat Sweats puffed his chest out in pride. “I am Rupert Swaggart, the world-renowned chef!”
It clicked into place. Donnie knew that Rupert Swaggart went missing the week prior. Mikey had been moping about it since he found out. He lamented a few times that the world must hate them, since so much had gone wrong in one week. Donnie couldn’t help but agree with the assessment.
“Oooohhhhh! You’re that loser?”
Rupert Swaggart growled deep in his throat. Face contorting to the anger Donnie expected when he bit Meat Sweats’ arm. Meat Sweats charged Donnie, and plowed into him, throwing his full body weight into Donnie. If Donnie wasn’t so distracted by not vomiting, he would have been able to dodge. The taste of blood lingered, though. The skin between his teeth rubbed up against his tongue and the inside of his cheek enough to steal away his attention.
Donnie felt something in his arm crack at the force. Pain shot up into his shoulder, then migrated back down to sit in his forearm. He didn’t have any time to even express his pain other than to grunt, because Meat Sweats was revving up for another attack.
‘How is this guy so fast? He’s enormous!’ Donnie thought, rolling out of the way. The comically oversized meat tenderiser just barely missed his head as it slammed into the ground. Cracks formed in the concrete, but Donnie didn’t linger on how close he got to having his face cave in on itself.
“Stop running. It will make your death much less painful!” Meat Sweats heaved his meat tenderiser again and Donnie jumped under his arm, landing a good scratch on his ribs before jumping out of the way of Meat Sweat’s swinging arm. The fight was, for all intents and purposes, a game of cat and mouse. Unfortunately, Donnie was the mouse in that scenario, and he was not a fan of that one bit.
At least he was small and agile. While quick, Meat Sweats telegraphed his moved a lot in order to get enough momentum behind them to do damage. Donnie used that to his advantage. Dodging and getting scratches in here or there whenever he could. Because of that, he didn’t get injured too badly. He was scratched up, he had a few bruises, but the worst of it was definitely his arm.
Meat Sweats was a tough opponent. He was a tank. He could take a lot of hits and he could deal a lot of damage. Donnie didn’t want to think about how much damage he could do to his brothers given the chance, but he had a lot of time to consider other outcomes.
‘I might…’ Donnie thought ‘ I might have to kill this guy. ’ This was a problem for a few reasons.
- His brothers were painfully moral, and they would get upset if Donnie killed someone of his own volition.
- That would be very difficult.
Donnie solidified his resolve and leapt forward. Unfortunately, Meat Sweats was of a larger stature. Reaching his arteries would be difficult. He wrapped his body around Rupert Swaggart’s arm and bit, clawing in search of the radial artery. He was playing a dangerous game, for certain. He had placed himself within reach of his attacker, but if it paid off, it would give him a lot of time to clean up the whole situation. Unfortunately, it did not pay off. Donnie was close, but Meat Sweats got over his shock quickly and managed to get a grip on him.
Meat Sweats slammed Donnie into the ground, a wave of dizziness taking hold on Donnie’s brain. He stumbled, trying to push himself to his feet. Meat Sweats’ meat tenderiser slammed into the side of Donnie’s head before Donnie could even process enough to think about dodging and his world went black.
Donnie came back slowly. The first thing he became aware of was his own thoughts. Coherency was another issue entirely. Abstract concepts sped by too fast for Donnie to fully comprehend them, only serving to disorient him more. As seconds ticked on, Donnie could understand more and more of his own mind. Vision and hearing came back to him next. Then smell and taste, and finally touch. The sensations returned to him disconnected and disjointed, the puzzle pieces rather than the full puzzle. Then, everything snapped together like a stretched rubber band losing all of its tension at once.
Donnie stayed silent, not out of any self-control or lack of fear, but simply because if he made a noise, he would get Meat Sweats’ attention. The sight he had woken up to was not a pretty one in any sense. A fire crackled underneath where Donnie had been suspended, tied to a spit roast. At some point while Donnie was unconscious, Meat Sweats removed his battleshell and propped it up in the corner. Donnie’s softshell was out in the open and there was nothing he hated more than feeling unprotected. Donnie didn’t even want to acknowledge the feeling.
Donnie’s mind fired off possible solutions to his problem. With no spider arms to cut the rope, legs tied to the spit, no techbo. He could wait and hope his brothers show up soon? With how Meat Sweats was looking, Donnie knew he didn’t have the time. It was kill or be killed. What to do, what to do…
Donnie continued to pretend to be unconscious, scanning his options. Pools of blood covered the concrete of the cavern. Trails connected the pools like some weird type of connect the dots. Meat Sweats actually… didn’t look so hot. He was bleeding profusely, despite having wrapped his injuries. He obviously wasn’t trained in first aid, because he had done terribly. Blood oozed from his wounds at a rather quick pace. Given enough time, he would just die on his own. The problem was that Donnie didn’t have enough time.
Donnie’s eyes drifted to the spinning mechanism for the spit roast. The spit wasn’t attached with anything other than gravity and hope, so if Donnie could just roll out (and also dodge the fire), he should be fine. Yeah, he’d be fine. He would be completely fine. He would be completely fine, he would be completely fine, he would be completely fine, he would be completely fine, he would be completely fine, he would be completely fine, he would be completely fine, he would be completely fine.
Meat Sweats turned away and Donnie seized the opportunity. He rocked back and forth, gathering momentum then he rolled out of the small pocket. He hissed in pain as his arm came in contact with the fire, but ignored it. At least he didn’t burn his shell. Getting out of his bindings when he wasn’t in the air was a lot easier, so the next few moments passed quickly.
The next few minutes passed in a blur. Donnie scrambled onto Meat Sweats’ back, clawing at any limb that made a move to get rid of him. Meat Sweats was bleeding out, Donnie would just speed up the process. Meat Sweats’ already sluggish movements slowed down more and more. His usually quick movements became uncoordinated and painfully sedated. Donnie didn’t pull back on his onslaught until Meat Sweats stopped moving completely, the only sign of life being his slight swaying on his feet. Donnie let go, finally putting distance between himself and the pig. Meat Sweats swayed in his spot for a moment more, then toppled to the ground in a pool of blood.
Donnie stared at the body and he felt very… neutral. He didn’t like how much he didn’t really care. He knew he probably should care; he should feel guilty or disappointed in himself. He could feel numb, as he had seen in movies. Instead, he felt tired and gross. He really needed a shower.
After a few more moments, Donnie clicked a few buttons on his armband and saw that his brothers were a lot closer to his position than he would have liked. This required an emergency plan that didn’t exist. He needed his brothers to think that he was innocent in some way, but the way it looked was that he had brutally murdered someone, which was not great.
The sound of his brothers’ panicked running and shouting reached Donnie’s ears and he freaked out and did something he would quickly regret.
“Donnie!” Raph shouted when they got close.
Instead of answering, Donnie crouched low, shutting his secondary eyelids and growling, lips peeled back into a snarl. His brothers rounded the corner to a sight that they definitely weren’t prepared for. They stopped dead in their tracks.
Mikey went as far as gasping and taking a step back. “Oh god… “ he muttered, hands flying up to his face. “Do you- do you think this is like when Raph…?” Mikey trailed off.
It was working. They didn’t even question it. In their eyes, there was no reason as to why Donnie would lie.
Raph didn’t say anything, frozen in horror. Donnie knew it was too close to home for Raph. He knew and he still did it. For what? To keep his family close to him despite him being a murderer. God, Donnie made himself sick.
“I think so,” Leo said, taking a step forward. Donnie growled louder, backing up. He wasn’t proud of it, but he even used his hands to aid in his retreat. “I mean, I know Donnie was on the… lower end of the moral standing, but he’d never just-”
“Y-yeah! Donnie’s a part of the Mad Dogz! Mad Dogz don’t kill people!” Raph spoke up, clearly trying to gather himself. He gulped, eyes still locked on the dead body in front of them. As much as Donnie knew it was important he didn’t reveal his ruse, the blood covering him was coagulating and it was very gross.
“Wh- what do we even do? Wh- How did this even happen? ” Mikey asked. He glanced from Leo to Raph and back again. “Guys?”
“He’s never snapped like this before, so it had to do with something new , something he’s never experienced.” It was always weird, watching Leo’s mind go into analysis mode. It was almost as if he was a completely different person. Donnie knew he wasn’t the only one who found it jarring.
Raph blinked in realization. “He’s never been in this kind of danger before. Not alone. You know, danger outside of him. He was being attacked, right?”
“How much danger did he have to be in, then?” Mikey looked around the cavern, at the blood splattered on the walls and pooling on the ground. He eyed the still burning fire and the ropes that had tied Donnie to the spit. “How much danger did we leave him in? ” Donnie wanted to jump in and say that they were being unfair to themselves. They had rushed down to his location and fully intended to help him.
No one had an answer, and Donnie was too deep into the lie to get back out, so he stayed silent, too.
Raph cleared his throat. “Okay, so, Donnie went all weird because he didn’t feel safe?” He brought on his ‘confident’ voice again. “So we just gotta make him feel safe again!
“Okay, yeah.” Leo pulled out his phone. “Let’s start by playing his calming playlist.”
“You have his calming playlist?” Mikey asked, turning away from Donnie and the cavern as a whole . “When did you get that?”
“While ago.” No further explanation was given. He didn’t mention he got it as a part of an experiment a few years prior Donnie ended up getting a very bad meltdown and Leo broke into his phone to find the playlist. It would only serve to worsen the mood. One of Donnie’s favorite songs started to play and Donnie listened for a moment before relaxing ever so slightly. He had to go about this slowly, carefully. He was only drilling in the lie. It was only serving to worsen what he was doing to his brothers.
“I’ll make some of his favorite tea and get a spare projector to play Jupiter Jim.” Leo passed his phone to Mikey and pulled out one of his Odachi. Donnie snarled louder, skittering further back. Leo didn’t mind him and made a portal back to the Lair. Leo was far from confident in his portals, but Donnie knew when it really mattered, the portal went where it needed to. Leo stepped through the portal and Donnie feigned animalistic confusion, scrunching his eyebrows and tilting his head. He slightly turned his attention to where Leo had disappeared to.
What followed were some of the most awkward minutes of Donnie’s entire life. Raph and Mikey stayed quiet and just watched as Donnie stood stalk still and watched them. On the plus side, Donnie had time to consider some traits that his feral self had to solidify the lie. Hopefully, he would never pull this ‘version’ of himself out again. Hopefully, he would never have to create more lies to cover up this lie. Just in case, however, Donnie made sure to come up with as many tiny details as possible.
Leo (finally) returned with all of the items he said he’d have. He took a few steps forward and placed the thermos of tea down between Donnie and himself, without the lid. He slowly stepped backward and set up the projector, facing away from Donnie so it would be within Donnie’s view. Everything was set up for the movie to start playing, but Raph stuck a hand in front of Leo so he wouldn’t press play.
“Wait!” Raph said. “How do we hide… all of that from Donnie? When Raph goes all weird, he gets real guilty for hurting you guys. How will Donnie feel having… Y’know… Raph just wants to make this easier for him. How do we do that?”
“I… don’t know,” Leo said uncertainly. “I could keep him from looking at any of the… blood and then we could blindfold him until we’re able to wash all of it off him with a hose or something? Would that work?”
Raph and Mikey considered the suggestion for a second.
“Yeah, it’ll have to.” Mikey sat down and got comfortable and Raph followed suit. Leo pressed play and the movie’s opening credits began.
“I hope this works,” Mikey said.
“We all do.” Leo gave one more glance back in Donnie’s direction.
Donnie, out of paranoia more than anything else, didn’t drop the act. There was just too much of a risk of them turning around. He watched them carefully then tentatively approached the thermos. Were he in any other situation he would be incredibly ashamed of the way he acted, crawling across the ground. He sniffed the air around the thermos, then lowered his head to the opening and licked at it. He let out a pleased churr.
‘That,’ he thought, ‘ is good tea.’
Leo sighed in relief. “Thank fuck, I did not think that would work, like, at all.”
“Language,” Raph said, but he lacked any of his usual fire.
Donnie moved on from the tea (after allowing himself some time to just enjoy it) and wandered up behind his brothers. Donnie thanked his lucky star that he decided to keep up the act. Sitting on the projector was a little camera pointed in Donnie’s direction. The live feed was being sent to the phone in Leo’s lap- the phone that all three of Donnie’s brothers had their attention on.
Donnie watched the movie as one of his favorite scenes played and let his breathing even out. Finally, he eased his secondary eyelids back, putting on a dazed and confused expression.He let out a yelp as Leo quickly grabbed his face and pulled his head away from seeing any of the gore behind him.
“Donnie, I’m sorry I grabbed your face without your permission, but it is so very important that you do not look down or behind you. ” Leo didn’t make eye contact, no matter how serious the topic was, which Donnie appreciated. Instead, he looked at Donnie’s forehead.
“Wh- what…? What’s going on? What-?” Donnie blinked out the imaginary confusion and pretended to search Leo’s face for any hint of an answer to his questions.
“Donnie, I need you to promise me that you won’t look.” Leo didn’t address the questions, laser-focused on his goal.
Donnie waited a beat. “What is it that I’m not supposed to be looking at?” Donnie made his voice quiet, uncertain.
“ Promise. ” Leo’s grip involuntarily tightened and Donnie flinched at the intensity in Leo’s voice
“I promise.” Donnie said.
Leo glanced over Donnie’s shoulder at Meat Sweats’ body. “We need to take you back to the Lair, but we’ll probably have to blindfold you.” Leo let go of Donnie’s face and looked over at Raph and Mikey.
“Leo, you know how I feel about sensory deprivation,” Donnie said. Despite his protest, he closed his eyes. “And you still haven’t told me why.” He motioned all over himself. Why my mouth is full of blood, or why I’m covered in it, or why I can’t look behind me, or why I can’t look down. Were all some of the things that he supposedly didn’t know. He hoped all of it was implied, but he had never been great at subtlety.
Someone- presumably Leo- pulled Donnie’s mask down over his eyes to shield him from all of the gore behind and around him. There was another pause.
“You were attacked,” Leo took the initiative to explain, “This mutant put you in a lot of danger and you were alone…”
“I remember that.” This, of course, was not a lie. He did remember it. He just remembered more than he let on. His lie was just one based on assumptions and negative space. They filled in the gaps with their own answers and everything went everywhere except for the direction of the truth.
“You must have snapped, and…” Leo dragged the last word on for much longer than necessary.
Donnie let his face express the deep disgust he felt from the previous events of the last hour. “Oh- oh god.” He let them believe that the pieces were falling into place, that he was figuring out what had happened and it was an ugly picture. He let them believe he was horrified at what his hands had done. They gave him the time to fully figure it out before they spoke again.
“It’s not your fault,” Raph said, his voice thick with a mixture of empathy and pity. He understood, but from his perspective, Donnie had it worse.
Donnie dipped his head down. He decidedly didn’t like his lie very much. He didn’t like that he had gone through with it, he didn’t like that he backed it up, and he hated himself for making his brothers go through all that they had just gone through in the last ten minutes. He should have just come clean. If he was so willing to lie about this, he didn’t deserve his brothers in his life anyway.
Donnie stayed silent, so Raph kept going. “If what Raph does when he goes all weird isn’t his fault, then what you do isn’t yours.” He had a good point, if what Donnie had claimed was correct, then he had a good argument to fight off any guilt Donnie would have had. That being said, the basis of his argument was fundamentally flawed because the truth of the matter, in his eyes, was not the objective fact. He provided no comfort, because he was comforting the wrong thing. He only made Donnie feel worse. Donnie knew he deserved to feel guilty, though.
He dipped his head down. “Can we just go back to the Lair and hose me off before I puke?” He didn’t address any of what his brother had said. He didn’t face the music because the music was too loud and Donnie was too tired.
“Of course. Let’s go.” Leo said, and moved to guide him away.
“Wait!” Donnie stopped him, suddenly. “My battleshell.”
There was a moment of silence, which Donnie assumed was his brothers looking around the cavern to find his battlehsell.
“I’ll get it,” Raph volunteered. He shuffled over, steps choppy and uneven. If Donnie was going to guess, he would say that Raph was stepping around the blood on the floor. Donnie couldn’t blame him, there was a lot of it and he wasn’t wearing shoes. “Got it!”
They headed off in the direction of the Lair.
Leo guided Donnie through the tunnels by the elbow and kept up an endless chatter about whatever came to mind. The feeling in the air was awkward. There were pauses in what Leo said, as if he was waiting for something that was never heard. Donnie was too caught up in his own thoughts to pay too much attention to what was being said.
His thoughts were flooded by everything that had occurred. He had killed someone, which he had yet to summon any real guilt over. He had lied about it, and pretended to go feral to cover up the fact that he was a murderer. He pretended to feel disgusted at his own actions, despite feeling incredibly neutral and made his brothers think that he would be overrun with shame. He had LIED.
Back at the Lair, he allowed himself to be scrubbed, head to toe. Mikey made sure to scrub underneath his nails and have Donnie wash his mouth out. The coppery taste lingered in a thick layer on his tongue. He could still feel the wooden spit pressed against his shell, and no matter how much he scrubbed at his own skin, the feeling of the coagulated blood never left him. Eventually, his brothers had to stop in to stop him from scrubbing some of his scales away.
The last thing they had him do was brush his teeth to get any more tissue out of between them. Donnie was honestly glad that he couldn’t see it all wash down the bathroom sink. It would only serve to make his disgust worse. They let him pull his mask up away from his eyes.
“Can I.. just… go to my room?” Donnie asked with uncertainty, eyes trained on the floor. “I need a little bit of alone time.”
His brothers stayed quiet for a moment before answering.
“Are you sure you should? I don’t know if-” Raph didn’t finish his sentence, but Donnie could fill in the blank. He was in a bad mindset and they didn’t know how bad that mindset was, or how deep into a pit he had been buried. Again, disgust at his own actions churned in his gut. He had lied to his brothers and he continued to lie to them every second they didn’t know the truth. He just couldn’t get himself to even consider turning himself in.
“I’m sure. I’ll be okay. You can check in with me later. I just need some time to think,” Donnie said placatingly. It seemed to work, if only a little bit. They let him go to his room after giving him his battleshell and he curled up in his bed, wearing his safe hoodie.
Again, he searched within himself for any remorse for the fact he had taken a life, and he found nothing.