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Tick…tick…tick…
Within the darkness, everything felt still. No sound, no movement, no nothing. No signs of life or anything was present, it almost seemed like an empty room if it were not for the ticking clock and the sounds of hushed breathing.
Souji laid there for what felt like hours, shifting stubbornly in the sheets, slowly feeling his heart growing hollowed by the minute. He didn't dare blink, didn't dare get out of the bed, only tensing and bracing himself for an unknown premonition.
For what felt like the nth time, he shuffled over to the side, reaching up to find his phone at the bedside table and flipped it on. The pale light from the device made him squint and it took him a few moments to see 11:57 on the screen.
1 hour and 2 minutes until midnight.
Ignoring the sinking feeling in his stomach along with the wall clock that was haphazardly calling for his attention. He shut his phone and looked back at the ceiling.
His mind was running in circles, feeling like a mush of anxiety induced thoughts, painfully repressed memories and nerve wracking paranoia. The combination makes sleep ineffective, making him return to his old insomniac state. It irked him, made him irritated, for the last two years sleep hadn't come easy to Souji, not after what happened, but slowly, slowly he was getting better, making his thoughts shut up and not get woken up by shadowy figures haunting his dreams anymore, especially since staying with the Dojimas after being woken by a scared Nanako in the middle of the night to inform him that he was screaming in his sleep.
And now here he was, all of his efforts thrown in the metaphorical trash can with so many nightmarish thoughts running in his mind.
Tick…tick…
When he had heard about the trip to Tatsumi port island he was…terrified in all honesty. He didn't want to go, much preferring to lock up in his room until the trip would die down and eventually would become forgotten. Unfortunately, his friends had been nothing but ecstatic. After all, their impression of port island was probably the beautiful modern aesthetics, fascinating architecture and warm sandy beaches— it would be hard not to get excited about the trip.
But Souji— Souji's impression of the island was quite different. After all this time, the sounds of gunshots and guttural moans of monsters never left him.
He blinked, and decided to check the time again.
45 minutes until midnight.
Dreaded anticipation settled in his bones as he glanced out the curtained window, the moonlight shone through the frilly thin curtains of the hotel, for a split second he imagined the peaceful pale color turning into a ghastly green.
Distantly he heard a scream from within his memory, he flinched violently, rustling the sheets and his breathing laboured.
Calm yourself , a voice in his head spoke like a command
He clenched his teeth and tried to think of something else.
He recalled the activities that were down from earlier, arriving at the island while concealing his wariness from everyone, arriving at Gekkoukan highschool, meeting with the new student council president (he thinks he's heard of her before— Fushimi… was it from Kirijo-senpai? Or was it from him?) Arriving at the love hotel that they were supposedly staying in (he would have laughed at the absurdity if he hadn't remembered that a battle had taken place here before) and the mildly mortifying King's game with his drunken friends and his somber self, but Souji didn't care, as long as his friends were happy and with him he would do anything.
That was the only reason he had come back here after all.
Involuntarily, his mind supplies him with scenarios about what could happen if the night turned green while his friends were present, they were capable fighters, that’s true. But that didn’t stop him from thinking about all the what-ifs that could happen while they were in the TV world, a broken limb and a fatal spell or even a missed attack; instead of the shadows of the TV however, scenarios of his friends all beaten and bloodied switched to the cold night of the Dark hour, Yosuke, Chie, Yukiko—everyone, unconscious and weak with a powerful shadow looming over, their blood mixing in with that of the concrete’s—
Dammit, he was probably still sober from the drinks
30 minutes until midnight
Speaking of friends…
Distantly, he thought of how SEES has been doing in the last two years and felt the familiar pang of guilt in his heart. He wouldn't know how they were since he practically abandoned them and cut ties with them, when the team was in a fragile state after recent events, when he had to move away, away from the home he fought for and what remains of his friends. It hurt, it hurts so much yet this was something he had to do, and he knows that they probably wouldn't miss him as much anyway.
Though he couldn't help but look around the familiar area, hoping to see someone—anyone; Yukari-senpai and Junpei-senpai hanging around with a curious Aigis on their tail, Fuuka-senpai humming a tune as she and Amada-Kun take koromaru for a walk, Mina—
Though he saw nothing, no one. An indication that while he's left, they picked themselves up and went somewhere else.
Ironically, he felt that he had been left behind despite the fact that he was the one staying away in the first place.
His mind wandered off to the framed photo of SEES that he once had, now buried somewhere under piles of books and boxes, dust settling and remaining a memory.
Damn it, he thought, feeling a sting at the corner of his eyes, he tried to relax, taking a big gulp of air as his clenched fists began to sweat.
Why can't he sleep— WHY—?!
27 minutes until midnight
He wondered if he should have brought his evoker on this trip, sure it would have been difficult to hide, and even more difficult to explain to his friends but extra caution never hurt would it? After all, if hypothetically something happened, he could summon his persona in the real world— or wait, can he summon his persona with his tarot card here? Maybe?
But that would be impossible— it's over, isn't it? There was no need for it because there was no way it could return, not again, he can't do it again—
Wait, he thinks, eyes widening in the darkness as he remembered his last day at the dorm, when he bid his farewell to a certain redheaded heiress while leaving everyone else ultimately behind and the realization sinks in, Kirijo-senpai took my evoker…I don't have it …
18 minutes until—
He couldn't take it anymore, he sat up and fully turned to the window, he thinks back on the nights where he would be exactly like this, patiently waiting for the moon to turn green, when time would freeze and blood would paint the walls and pavement, coffins scattering everywhere, making them look eerie and otherworldly, an intimidating fog that rivaled Inaba's looming over as a tall tower surfaced from the ground—
He bit on his lip until it bled, ignoring the coppery taste on his tongue and straining his ears for any sound outside. He heard the faint sounds of some cars passing by on the streets but other than that, all was silent, indicating that this part of the city was asleep.
Tick…tick…15 minutes…
It felt odd though, he wasn't present during that fight here, only reading it up on a report made by Fuuka-senpai and he knows that it isn't necessarily unsafe anymore but he feels the lurking shadows, as if waiting for the clock to strike twelve and pounce, it made him uneasy and definitely not safe. But then again, when had he ever truly felt safe here on the island though?
It was ironic that the only place that he had ever considered home before Inaba felt dangerous to him.
10 minutes
His anxiety was beginning to grow worse, crawling along his veins and constricting his throat. He slowly felt himself disconnect from his surroundings, feeling his head growing lighter to the point that it made him worry that he would pass out but he kept firm, despite his trembling body that was growing damp with sweat.
A strike of a naginata followed by the determined cries and the barrel of a gun on the temple, dangerously narrow close calls, missed charms and hits and betrayal—betrayal and death everywhere, looking back it felt like it was something straight out of a seinen manga, but it was real—by God it was very real, as much as he would prefer it to be a horrible dream.
And he remembers warm hands, cheerful laughs, victory cries and what felt to be his family asking him about his day, worrying about his well being and checking to make sure his sanity was intact. The slow transition was foreign to him, since he never experienced that kind of attention from even his own parents, yet he relished in it, basking in its warmth as if it was a harsh winter turning into a warm spring.
How Yukari-senpai was the first to be friendly with him, despite the fact that she can be quite brash, Junpei-senpai also comes close to being friendly with him, even inviting him to hang out, despite the fact that he can be a little annoying sometimes. Fuuka-senpai always being concerned for his well being that he appreciates so much, Amada-kun and Koromaru—he misses them both too, he's a good kid that's been through a lot and often wished that he could have been there for him some more—that was probably why he was extra protective towards Nanako, he wouldn't want her to go through what Amada-kun had been through as well.
Then there's his three senior senpais—Kirijo-senpai was strict but was always concerned for the team, he knew as much, the pressure of all that responsibility on her must have crushed her, now that he was leading his own team, he understood perfectly well, she was always so strong. Sanada-senpai always gave him advice on how he could improve, always supportive and encouraging, though sometimes he got a little too ahead of himself, resulting in him being scolded by Kirijo-senpai and Aragaki-san.
Aragaki-san was always quiet, but Souji knew there was more to him, he would always move around silently, see him doing domestic things that seemed a little out of character for him, like cook for Koromaru and the rest of the team and teaching Fuuka-senpai how to cook. He had a good heart, sometimes asking him how he was and to take things easy and Souji was so devastated that night where he had to watch in horror as the sound of a gunshot pierced the air, followed by a bullet hitting skin—
Tick…tick…tick…
So many memories, he remembers them all, even some he didn't even interact with much—Ryoji-senpai…
And suddenly he sees a flash of blue hair and gray eyes, then—
He remembered standing with these people despite the terror he felt and the nagging feeling that they would lose— after all, it was a fight against death in itself, but after seeing the determined faces of his comrades— no, his friends, he felt the resolve in his heart strengthen into will— determined and decided that he wants to stand with them until the end, to help protect them— these people who took him in, saw his potential and help show him what home is, showed him how to get stronger, showed him that life wasn't all bleak and grey like how it was back when he lived with his parents, the people that he had been with through thick and thin, who always had his back in battle just as he had theirs.
And all his doubts vanished even as he looked up in the sky on the top of Tartarus to see the fated dark figure with wings, promising the end.
And then—
Tick…tick…
Souji forced himself to stop thinking then and there, pulling the brakes in his mind, not now, he can't think about that just now.
He looks at the time
5 minutes until midnight
He swallows
Through unseeing eyes, he turned his gaze to the ceiling, his inner turmoil had halted long enough for him to hear his heart pounding through the increasing ring in his ears with faint laboured breathing. Through the entire thing he felt a tinge of annoyance at this feeling— why was he so on edge? Why was he so afraid? Why can't he just go to sleep—?
In a blink of an eye, there was approximately 1 minute until midnight.
For a moment it's like time stops, his thoughts, his breathing and everything then his head runs again and this time he doesn't even bother fighting as certain scenarios flashed in his mind.
"Seta huh? Oh, so you're the new transferee…"
"I highly doubt you can help…if anything you'd probably be more of a liability…no offense"
"I was wrong about you, you are capable…but this isn't right…you and Ken…you're practically kids—"
"Hey Souji…when all of this is over…forget about the whole fighting thing yeah? Go and live out a normal life, reach out more to people and just…take care of yourself okay?"
And then one moment he was there, right in front of them all, gazing up at the deity who was to bring the end amongst them, there was no fear in his stance neither was there courage—only a sort of twisted determination and resignation, as if he's seen his fate and accepted it; like a lamb for slaughter, a martyr who offers himself as a sacrifice.
"I'll keep fighting!" Souji remembered shouting among the deafening screams of his fellow SEES members, he's not sure if it was a protest against Nyx or if it was a promise to him.
Then he vanished.
He remembers the feeling of warmth at his rare yet genuine smile after a certain time, the conversation about his future and unlocking Izanagi—his ultimate persona deep within his heart, he remembers the feeling still being the same despite the fact that his weakened body was being held by Aigis in the spring at the Gekkoukan high rooftop.
The faint memory of his smile made Souji calm for a moment.
A moment.
Tick…tick…tick
Tick
The same time the hand of the analog clock had halted briefly over the engraved 12 behind the glass, Souji's digital clock had suddenly blared the numbers twelve and zero on the screen.
He felt his heart stop as he clenched his eyes in futile— a useless action considering he was still shrouded in darkness, no matter what he can still feel whatever comes anyway—and bracing himself for the worse.
And just like that, the moment passes and he hears the clock tick again, going on with it's pace and continuing like normal.
He didn't move for a few moments, still curled up on the bed like a cat that was feeling threatened, he stayed inhumanely still.
After what felt like hours, with a shaky hand he reaches for his phone once more and sees 12:02 blaring from the screen.
He felt something wet trickle down his face, with an unintentional shudder he came to realize that oh, he's crying.
He huffs out a sound mixed between a groan and a sob, rolling over the side of the bed again, the sheets where tangled between his legs and his phone probably fell off somewhere but Souji didn't care, he didn't care because fuck it—fuck it all—
That part of the past was done; it was ridiculous to think about something that was over. He forces his breathing to even out, taking one slow breath at a time, by the time he feels that his heart won't collapse in on itself his tears have already long since dried. He sits up on the bed, gazes on the window and with great relief, sees that the walls were still dry, the clock was still moving and the moon was still pale, shining through the curtains, albeit more subdued, yet it was still normal.
I can't go on like this, he thinks for one angry moment before he smoothes it out like a hand sweeping sand in one fluid motion. That's done, it's over, right now I have my own problems and my friends are counting on me.
Letting go of the past is hard and Souji may be a fool when it comes to what he had done and what he could have done, but now he piles all of those thoughts, shoves them in the metaphorical box and neatly tucks it away somewhere in the back of his head.
Right now, he was not Souji, the inexperienced, timid underclassman who was part of the secret organization that fights monsters in the dead of night under the guise of a high class school club, instead he was Souji, the calm and level headed leader of the group of friends who wanted to take justice into their own hands by risking their necks, fighting inside of TVs to solve a mystery that threatens their home. It's not a role he is fond of, considering it goes against everything he had cut himself off for but it was a role that he was given, so as always, he puts aside his own wants, shoves his opinion on the matter inside his head just to stand with the people he cares for.
"Go and live out a normal life, reach out more to people and just…take care of yourself okay?"
Looking back on it; that must have been how he had felt too.
When he lies back down, head hitting the pillow, he tries not to think about the blue and silver and instead thinks about what's up for tomorrow.
He ignores the hollow feeling in his chest as he thinks about the upcoming possibilities until his mind finally drifts off into an uneasy sleep.