Chapter Text
False humanity.
Liar.
We see you.
Remember… Remember who you left…
Stelle gasped awake and nearly bolted from her room on the Astral Express. The voices clawed at her mind, and she needed to escape. Her mind felt fragmented like glass as she attempted to flee the loud booming voices of her nightmares as she stood and watched her spear strike Cocolia the final time.
It shattered to pieces, and she was falling through space within that moment. Humming and whispers whipped around her like a torrent as she somersaulted and flailed. Kafka’s voice was the only one familiar.
You will only remember me.
She gasped and clung to the wall of the planter as wet droplets accumulated on the carpet below her. What was she? Was she evil? She thought she did the right thing. Was she going to ruin people because of what she was?
What was she?
Stelle growled and punched the wall before slumping and sniveling alone. Thank goodness that Pom-Pom wasn’t in the Parlor Car. They would be angry for her disrespecting the Astral Express. No one was here, and she could crawl through her own darkness alone.
“This is the third night, and Pom-Pom is starting to worry!” Pom-Pom huffed as it wiggled its ears. “Pom-Pom wants to help, but Stelle hides when Pom-Pom goes into the car!”
Himeko sighed as she set down a teacup for Welt and joined him at the small coffee table on a chair. They were having a small meeting in her room to address their new issue; the latest trailblazer was struggling.
“Did you happen to hear anything of what might be causing the issue?” Welt asked.
“Pom-Pom only hears her sobbing. Hitting the wall. Normally Pom-Pom would say something, but not with this. Stelle is always sweet to Pom-Pom, but alone, she’s so upset,” Pom-Pom grumbled.
“This Stelleron. Welt, do you think it’s causing her issues?” Himeko frowned. “I’m fond of Stelle, and she’s so sweet to everyone. I’d hate for her to be hiding this. Do you think she’s worried about how we will take what upset her?”
Welt exhaled and adjusted his glasses. “It does appear there is some weight beyond just travel weariness. The incident on Jarillo-VI might have provoked it.”
“She seemed so aged when returning to the train,” Himeko frowned. “Like she saw something she wasn’t ready to see. What in the world did she experience?”
Welt scratched his chin and nodded. “I did notice an oddity about her demeanor when she believed eyes weren’t on her. Her eyes often drifted to the windows. Longingly. Dan Heng said she had dug through all the data in the archives about Stellerons.”
“You noticed that?” Himeko hummed. “What else?”
Welt shook his head. “It’s important that we keep an eye on her when she is exposed to using such power as on Jarillo-VI.”
“I know,” Himeko agreed. “You don’t have to defend your concern. I am worried too.”
Pom-Pom huffed. “Himeko, Pom-Pom thinks she needs to help Stelle.”
Himeko shook her head. “I can’t, Pom-Pom. Not unless she wants to talk about it. It would cause more issues if I went asking her about it. What she experienced may not be easy for her to express.”
“However, we can promote the dialogue,” Welt mused before sipping his cup.
“How so, Welt? How would you do it?” Himeko asked.
“I have an idea that might work. I will direct her to you for assistance if she is receptive,” Welt declared as he set down his cup.
Himeko frowned and exhaled. “Welt, why don’t you talk to her? I feel like I wouldn’t know what to say if this is about Cocolia.”
“It isn’t,” Welt shook his head.
“How do you know? Pom-Pom can’t even guess why Stelle is crying at all!” Pom-Pom groaned.
Welt stood up and adjusted his jacket. “I just know, Pom-Pom.”
“Then Pom-Pom is going to go clean the Dining Car while you stop Stelle from crying,” Pom-Pom mumbled and waddled from the room. The sentient being is clearly dismayed with being out of the know.
“Is this about the Stelleron?” Himeko asked before sipping her coffee.
Welt met her gaze and thinned his lips. “The only thing we can conclude is that she needs assistance. I will send her to your compartment when I have pulled her from despair.”
Himeko shook her head. “I never question your methods, Welt. However, remember that not all of us understand the universe as you do. This might be out of my depth.”
He just nodded and left her compartment. It would be difficult to decipher the source, but this situation with Stelle has been anything but usual. There was definitely more to it than nightmares or difficulties on a mission.
Stelle was dozing against the wall. Her tears had run dry into the late evening when the rest of the train was asleep. So much for rest and recovery before their next mission.
Tired. Exhaustion. Helpless. She felt dimmed. Stelle winced and puffed. She couldn’t help but feel so lost. Could no one understand this? She couldn’t even explain it.
Footsteps.
Stelle scrunched away from the edge of the wall to hide from the new occupant. Pom-Pom had soft feet, and their stride was different from these footsteps. They had a determined sound before the sofa nearest her grunted with the new occupant’s arrival.
Clicking. Shifting. A clink from a teacup on the table. Stelle wiped her eyes and poked her face around the corner. Welt Yang was sitting on the sofa, pressing a stylus to his tablet. He was still relatively unknown to her. It was clear that both March 7th and Dan Heng held immense respect for him.
“We will be stopping at Herta’s Space Station again tomorrow,” Welt mused.
Stelle jerked and tucked herself back around the wall. Why was she cowering as a child? Then again, she’d rather not lose respect from everyone on the Astral Express… least of all him.
“Apparently, Pom-Pom has a delivery for a few items for your room coming through. You requested a few unusual things?” Welt asked.
Was he talking to her? Did someone enter the Parlor with him? Stelle peaked around the corner again as he sipped his cup with a somewhat audible slurp before his eyes met hers. She jerked away and grimaced.
“Stelle, you can sit on the floor all evening, but I hope you will at least engage in conversation,” Welt declared.
“Oh… yes. I asked Pom-Pom for some plants and a few other things… I didn’t realize we would go out of the way for it,” Stelle sighed.
“Hm.”
Silence again. Well, as far as conversation. The sound of tapping the stylus and, every so often, the teacup drew more curiosity. He just sat there doing what? Stelle frowned and poked over the wall to see Welt drawing on his tablet.
“Who’s that?” Stelle asked. It likely was rude, but she couldn’t help it. There was a young woman’s face with bright eyes on his screen. She was holding up an odd-looking globe.
“A familiar face from a long time ago,” Welt declared before lifting his eyes from his work. “Would you like to see more?”
Stelle wiped her face and nodded before climbing from her hiding spot. The melodic sounds from the player danced around the room and brought her deep comfort. That was why she often came racing into the Parlor Car when trying to escape her nightmares.
She sat down, and he placed the tablet gingerly in her hands. “Go ahead, press the arrow,” he assured her.
Stelle flipped through the drawings and smiled. Some of the characters were unknown, but others, like March 7th and Dan Heng, were drawn in a fantastical way. Moments bottled up in a single image, whether from memory or wishes.
“I like the way that you draw,” Stelle said as she gazed at Welt. “It’s happy and whimsy.”
“Whimsy,” He chuckled and shook his head. “You have been talking to March 7th about her interests?”
“She is very whimsy,” Stelle giggled and sighed. “It really helped on Jarillo-VI.”
“Sometimes we often are surprised at how a simple smile can make a difference,” Welt declared as Stelle offered the tablet back to him.
She exhaled and tore her eyes back to the stars in the sky. “What are you doing awake, Mr. Yang?”
“The night is quiet.”
“We’re on a train in space,” Stelle sighed and shifted. “It is quiet, though. The air feels… breathable.”
Welt set down the tablet and offered her a teacup. “It’s colder now. You took a bit to climb from your hiding spot.”
Stelle took it and nodded. “Thank you.”
“Would you like to discuss why you have wept in the Parlor Car? I promise you that Himeko and I won’t judge you. She has the ability to listen that most couldn’t compete with.”
Stelle shook her head. “I don’t want to bother her.”
“It isn’t a bother. We have seen plenty while we travel,” Welt pressed.
“I can’t— I don’t want to—” she paused and breathed. “It’s just nightmares. I haven’t been sleeping well.”
“Nightmares or not. Pom-Pom is concerned. Would you attempt to speak to Himeko about it?” Welt asked.
Stelle shifted on the sofa and tucked her knees to her chest. Her arms encircled her legs, and she pressed her forehead to them. “I’m so tired.”
“Is this about Cocolia?” He asked in a softer tone.
Stelle shook her head and lifted her face enough to meet his gaze. “I feel like hands are rushing to grab me like a prize. These dreams. I’m falling through darkness, and fingers grab at me. Saying things to me. Telling me to remember what came before… I don’t want to.”
“What are they saying?” Welt turned and tipped his head to the side. Stelle relayed some of the hissing voices’ messages, and Welt arched an eyebrow. “I see,” he murmured.
“What if I’m just some tool or object? What if all I am is just this Stelleron? Things like that don’t get to make decisions on if they live or die. Feeling emotions or getting to choose. What if—” She stopped when he shook his head.
“You are more than a Stelleron or weapon. You aren’t here to just be a hero or prize to be fought over by outward forces, Stelle. Fighting battles and wars takes a toll and rips at humanity. Trifling experiences excused for greed and weakness. You are still you, regardless.”
Stelle relaxed and breathed before reaching for her cup again. “That’s a relief in a way. I don’t want to hurt anyone.”
“You are going to hurt people. Whether it be for their own good or for the good of others… that happens for those with responsibilities to act. I won’t be kind about that. It’s why I suggested you talk to Himeko. She can comfort you far more than I can,” Welt sighed and dropped his eyes from her.
Stelle frowned. “You know that because you have?”
He blinked and smiled without looking at her. “I cannot say. I can only offer what I know. You would make an excellent protagonist in a story, not I. I’m simply a former animator looking for adventure.”
She laughed and relaxed as her shoulders lowered. “Mr. Yang, that’s kind of you to say.”
“What you did on Jarillo-VI was dangerous. You placed your life forfeit to save others. It was natural and honorable. Do you think you would have done so if you were not anything but a carrier of a Stelleron? Without care and empathy?” He asked.
Stelle frowned and shook her head. “No, I guess not.”
“That’s why you are a protagonist and not a tool,” He declared, reaching for his tablet. “Do you have any hobbies?”
Stelle shook her head.
“It might be time to find some. March sews and has an interest in photography. Dan Heng reads and enjoys deciphering old languages. Even Himeko enjoys experimenting with coffee and mechanics,” He declared and offered her the tablet again.
This time it was a blank screen. She met his gaze, and he offered the stylus. Her hand took the object; awkwardly, she shifted it in her fingers, and Stelle frowned.
“Go ahead. Try to draw something,” Welt smiled.
“Draw what?” Stelle questioned.
“Anything,” He replied. “Something that makes you happy.”
She exhaled and folded her knees before bending to the tablet. She knew this would end horribly, and he would judge her for her lack of talent. However, he allowed her to dip her toe into his personal world. Stelle would comply if only for the sake of that honor.
Stelle puffed and felt her cheeks darken as she offered the tablet and stylus back after quite some time of focus. “It’s not great.”
Welt examined her work and chuckled. “Well, it may not be perfect, but I can see the story.”
“I like flowers. When we were at the flower shop in Belobog, it made me feel peaceful and happy,” Stelle murmured.
“So, this stick figure is Dan Heng?” He asked and pointed to the figure with dark hair.
Stelle nodded. “He was explaining the different ways they care for the potted plants. He also told me that we couldn’t bring them along before they wouldn’t live through space travel.”
“And March is offering you a rose?” Welt questioned.
Stelle sighed and nodded. “She was appalled that I'd never received flowers before. I guess Himeko gave her flowers one year on her birthday?”
Welt smiled and set the tablet on his lap. “You should keep practicing or find another outlet to relive your memories. I have heard that journaling or storytelling is excellent for that.”
“I like books. I collected all the ones from Belobog I could get my hands on,” Stelle laughed and shook her head. “There are things I’ve never experienced in some of them,” she mumbled as her cheeks tinted.
“Then look for those experiences. It’s important to feel like a living, breathing being when power touches us, even without our willingness for the duty of it,” Welt expressed.
“Mr. Yang.”
He focused on her, and his brow tightened. “What’s wrong?”
He could tell by the tone of her voice? Stelle inwardly winced at the weakness. She sounded fragile. “I– thank you. Even if you don’t think you can comfort me well, you did. I feel seen,” She murmured and stared at her lap.
“Well, I guess Himeko was right then,” He chuckled and exhaled. “We are here if you need us, Stelle. Even when the world is quiet, and nightmares are unforgiving. Himeko would gladly sit up with you if you need company.”
Stelle thinned her lips. It was evident that Welt was omitted if the occurrence happened again. Why did that hurt a little? Maybe he was only opening the dialogue? Or did she do something to make him uncomfortable? Social interactions were still ambiguous to Stelle.
He cleared his throat. “Or, if you need a drawing partner, I will be there.”
She looked up to see him rubbing the side of his neck with a smile.
“Thank you,” Stelle sighed.
“Did you want to try for some sleep?” Welt asked.
Stelle shook her head. “Not really.”
Welt nodded and gathered his tablet in his hand. “Then how about I draw, and you relax. If you want to talk, we can. I just would prefer it if you rest.”
Stelle reclined against the side of the sofa and breathed. The clicking of his stylus on the tablet and the music in the air was peaceful. His presence was calm. She soon couldn’t prevent her heavy eyelids from finally closing. Sleep. But the softness and comfort lingered with her and traveled into a state where dreams didn’t claw at her and demand her to remember the unknown.