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The motel room was cold. Everything was cold. No matter how many blankets Alex wrapped around himself, no matter how high he cranked his heater, he always felt cold. He wondered if that feeling would ever go away. If the feeling of blood covering his body would ever fade away with time.
He hadn't really slept in a long time. Everytime he closed his eyes, he would see that face. Those eyes looking at him with fear, grief, and love. Alex always wondered how that man was able to look at him with love, after everything Alex had done to him. He supposed he would never get an answer to that question.
That scene replayed in his head everytime he sat idly for too long. The feeling of cold metal in his hand, the feeling of his limbs moving against his will. Alex had screamed, begged himself to put the gun down. He begged himself to help Jay as he bled out in the next room, but he couldn't. He couldn't move of his own volition.
But lately, that wasn't the only thing keeping him up. That feeling, that eerie feeling of being watched had creeped its way under his skin. At first, it was subtle. Much to subtle for it to be The Operator. He was hopeful that if anything came out of the whole shit show, he prayed it was that no one else would have to go through what he went through.
But over time, the feeling got worse. So bad that he would get up and sweep over the whole room, making sure no hooded figure was hiding in the corners. There never was anyone there. But he would never be able to go back to sleep after he woke up.
But then there was one night. That loud, ear-shattering bang reverberated off his skill. He shot up from the bed, arms wrapping around himself as he tried to calm his shaking breaths. He could still hear Jay's screams, even when he covered his ears.
Once his breathing had begun to slow, that eerie feeling seeped into his skin again. He felt like he was being watched. His head shot up, eyes going to dart about the room until they landed on a figure at the foot of the bed.
Those eyes. Those beautiful, sad, tired eyes, staring right at him. Alex covered his mouth, once calming breath now quickening again. The initial shock of the sight scared him so much that he shot backwards, hitting his head on the bed frame.
It took him a moment to collect himself. God, he had really gone off his rocker now. If before he had a few screws loose, then by now, surely his whole brain was falling apart, being poorly held together by scotch tape.
"Alex-" That voice sent shivers down Alex's spine. That voice that he hadnt heard in ages. That voice that he would rewatch those tapes just to hear again, saying his name without fear, but with a tone of longing, like he had been waiting to be seen.
"Go away!" Alex shouted. Yep. Definitely crazy. He grabbed his pillow and threw it at the ghostly figure, whom caught the pillow and set it down on the bed. Alex gasped, pulling his knees up to his chest and burying his head in between them, hands covering his ears. "Go away... you're not real. You're dead." He muttered, moreso to himself rather than the ghost of the man he killed.
"Alex, please." The voice was muffled by Alex's hands over his ears, which is not something that would happen if it was just his imagination. Perhaps this was real.
No. Its not. Jay is dead. He's gone. Alex shoved the possibility deep down and practically flung himself from his bed.
He just needed to clear his head, maybe grab a redbull. Yep. Thats why this was happening. He was just tired and delirious. He reached for his bag, which sat next to the rickety office chair and dug through it, searching for his keys.
"Looking for these?" God, Alex could practically hear the smirk in the ghosts voice as he turned his head around to find Jay holding his keys. This was all some sick dream. He would wake up soon and it would all be over. "Do you really think you should be driving? You seem a bit tire-"
"Shut up!" Alex hissed, walking over to the ghostly form and plucking the keys from his hand. He then quickly ran from the motel room, slamming the door shut behind him, locking the ghost in the room. He traveled down to the lobby, hands shaking and angry tears threatening to spill.
Once he made it out to the parking lot, he took a deep breath, each inhale shuddering in his chest.
"Do you really think you should be driving? You seem a bit tired." The ghost appeared behind Alex, and the man jumped, startled, and quickened his pace. He hastily unlocked his car, getting in the driver's seat and locking the door again.
Alex rested his head on the steering wheel, taking deep breaths. This will all be over soon. He'll wake up and go back to living the slightly more bearable nightmare that was his everyday life of hotel hopping.
"Alex- stop leaving." The voice startled him again, and he felt a cold pressure over his arm, like a hand. He shrunk away from the touch, looking up as angry, hot tears pricked at his eyes. He saw the figure sitting in the seat next to him. It looked so much like him. Every little detail. His eyes, his nose, those lips that Alex wanted to taste again so badly. But he couldn't. They weren't real. They couldn't be. He wasn't real.
"What the fuck..." Alex muttered, hands visibly shaking as they clenched at his legs, almost tearing into the fabric of his sweatpants.
"Alex, whats wrong?" The ghost reached out again, and Alex shoved his hand away. He shoved his hand away. He could feel his skin. It felt so real, too real.
"You! You're wrong! I'm wrong! Its all wrong!" Alex shouted. His vision was blurred from his tears and the absence of his glasses, but he could see the grimace on Jay's face. "How are you- why are you- I killed you. How are you here?" Alex's voice broke and cracked as he uttered out the questions.
Jay sighed before shrugging. "I don't... I don't know. I just kinda... woke up in your room. You didn't notice me for a good while. I'm not sure what exactly made you- be able to see me but- I'm here now, aren't I? Isnt that all that matters?"
That hopeful tone made Alex want to vomit. He wanted to vomit because he knew he didn't deserve this. If he deserved to be haunted, it was by a vengeful spirit, not the forgiving one of Jay.
"You're not real... you can't be. You- you died." Alex choked out, once again tensing as a cold hand brushed against his shoulder, but he didn't shrink away. Jay took this as in invitation and rested his hand on Alex's shoulder. Alex could feel it, each finger, his palm, he could feel his hand, really there, and he wasn't sure if it made things better or worse. He let out another sob, and the man beside him leaned forward, wrapping his arms around him the best he could while in the car. Alex gave up on trying to conpose himself as he buried his face into Jay's sharp shoulders. "I killed you... I killed you... why are you here? I killed you." Alex muttered as Jay just rubbed his back, gently hushing him. When Alex could finally breathe normally, he separated from Jay's embrace, reaching his hand up for a second. He wanted to hold Jay, to know he was there, but he couldn't bear to bring himself to touch him. He worried that if he touched Jay, the ghostly mirage would crack and crumble, maybe even rot beneath his fingers. He didn't want to kill Jay. Not again.
Jay let out a breathy chuckle, broken up by his own half-sob. "Whats wrong... you act like you've seen a ghost." He joked, and Alex almost wanted to slap him for the stupid remark. But he didn't, he just allowed his quivering lips to curl into a slight smile before he let out another breathy sigh.
"I... I killed you." Alex repeated the statement again, and Jay just nodded. Jay's eyes drifted over to Alex's hesitant, outstretched hand, and he reached out, meeting it in the middle and interlocking their fingers.
"I know." Jay affirmed. He led the hand that held his over to his shoulder, pulling down the neck of his shirt and revealing a currently scabbed over wound. Alex's fingers traced over it, feeling the bullet wound with his own hands, locking in the feeling, the finality, but also the realness that Jay was there, sitting in front of him. It broke Alex even more when he met eyes with the man, and he found no malice or hate, just a slight smile. His fingers curled into a fist, and he hung his head low. Jay's hands gently wrapped around his fist, rubbing comforting circles with his thumbs.
"Why don't you hate me? How can you even bare to be around me? I- I fucking shot you, Jay. I killed Jessica. H-how can you- why do you- I don't get it." He hissed, leaning into Jay once again. As much as he knew he didn't deserve to be held, he wanted to be held so bad. He was finally allowing himself to be weak, even if it were just a moment, with the ghost of the man he loved, of the man he killed.
"I could never hate you, Alex. I don't one hundred percent forgive you. But, I know you didn't want to hurt me. I could see it. In your face. I knew that wasn't entirely you. I knew that it had a part in it. In the end, you only wanted to help. Even if you did it the wrong way, you had good intentions." Curse Jay and his inability to hate Alex. He wanted to hate him. He wanted to punch him or something, anything. But he couldn't bear the thought of seeing Alex hurt. He couldn't hurt Alex. Not now. Not after he just finally got to reunite with him.
Jay removed one of his hands from Alex's balled fist, and moved it up to Alex's cheek. He gently cupped his face before his hand continued to snake further, his fingers furling into the ends of Alex's longer locks. Both men looked like they were in desperate need for a haircut. Jay actually didn't mind Alex's longer hair. In fact, he liked it. He thought the fringe was cute, even when it was so obviously greasy and unkempt.
Alex felt himself relax, almost involuntarily, at the feeling of Jay's fingers curling into his hair. Tears continued to fall from his eyes, but his breaths shook a bit less. After a few minutes of the silence, Alex let out a groan, leaning away from Jay.
"This is... uncomfortable. The car. Can we- we should go back inside." Alex suggested, unlocking the car and getting out. He stood outside of it and stretched, joints popping a bit as he did so. Jay stood next to him, smiling softly as he did. Alex got another view of him. He was in the same clothes that he was in on that day, stained with blood and grime. Alex reached for his hand, and their fingers slotted with each other again. He wondered if other people could see him. Not like it mattered. Other people were the least of his concerns right now. All he cared about was him and Jay.
Once they got back to the motel room, Alex turned to get another look at Jay. He was pale, awfully so. His eyes, however, had not lost an ounce of life. They were beautiful and filled with so much emotion. Alex could stare into them for hours and never truly understand what they were thinking.
After a few moments of staring, Alex's eyes drifted down to Jay's dirtied clothes. He hummed and departed, going to dig through his bag. He handed the clothes to Jay, offering a still shaky smile. "Your clothes are all... nasty. I'll wash them for you tommorow." He hummed and looked over to the alarm clock that sat on the bedside table, which read 3:37 am. "Or i guess later today." He chuckled, and Jay followed suit, giggling at the stupid joke. Alex turned back to the bed, idly fidgeting with the covers as Jay changed in the bathroom.
When Jay came back out, Alex couldn't help but admire. He always loved seeing Jay in his clothes. He had leant Jay some sweatpants, which even with the drawstring pulled tight, seemed to hang loosely off his waist, and a Radiohead t-shirt. Jay looked down at the shirt, before looking back up at Alex.
"This is my fucking shirt, Alex. God, I haven't seen this thing in ages. When did you-" Alex chuckled at Jay's lighthearted frustration, reminiscing on the simpler times of their early college years, sharing a dorm together. After the two had begun dating under the table, their closets sort of meshed together. What was Jay's was Alex's, and vice-versa. When they moved apart, they returned each others clothes. Apparently Alex held onto this shirt.
Alex just smiled at the other, stepping closer to Jay. He couldn't help but long for those late nights, holding eachother, whispering sweet nothings, swapping spit. He knew he didn't deserve anything like that again, and he highly doubted Jay would ever see him in that way again, but he still wanted.
His hands found their ways to Jay's shoulders, smiling softly as one reached up to comb his fingers through Jay's outgrown hair. "Looks better on you, anyways." He chuckled, and he swore that if Jay was alive, he would be blushing.
Just because he couldn't blush, doesn't mean he couldn't be a flustered mess. Jay looked away, letting out a huff of annoyance. "Whatever. Just admit i have a better taste in fashion then you." Jay teased, and Alex scoffed.
"You? Never. Jay, you wear basically the same clothes everyday." Alex bantered, and Jay just rolled his eyes. God, he missed this. He missed silly little arguments with Alex, neither of them taking anything too seriously. He just wanted to have things be simple again, even if it was just for one night.
Jay let out a sigh, eyes darting to Alex's lips for just a moment. "I... I miss this, Alex. I miss... us." Jay muttered, leaning forward and pressing his forehead against Alex's shoulder. He relaxed into the warmth of the other, and his breath softly hitched as he felt Alex's hand trail up his back, up his shoulder blades, and gently resting on the back of his neck.
"I do too." Alex muttered the confession. He had never once believed that Jay would want something so soft with Alex, not after what he had done to him. But here they were, and Alex would be damned if he let the opportunity slip away from him.
Jay looked up, eyes meeting Alex's. He smiled at the other, reaching up and placing a hand on Alex's cheek. He could feel his stubble, the result of never really having the time or patience to shave. Jay didn't mind, though, because it was so Alex. It reminded him of college, when Alex would be so consumed by a project and Jay would have to coax him to bed, even for a couple hours.
"Kiss me, Jay." Alex asked, voice soft and quiet. He felt weird to be asking. For so long, all he had done was take. But for now, he'd allow himself to ask. He'd make himself submit to whatever Jay wanted, just so he could keep him.
Jay didn't need to be told twice. He leaned up slightly, pressing his cold and chapped lips against Alex's. The hand on the back of Jay's neck moved up to his hair, and Alex gently combed through his locks.
They pulled away for a moment, eyes meeting, and seeming to be in agreement, they met in the middle again. They both wanted this. It wasn't one sided, the both wanted, almost needed, each other. Even if one of them was dead. Even if one of them killed the other, they needed each other.
Alex's hand continued to furl in Jay's hair. He gave a gentle tug, and Jay let out a sound, a mix between a yelp and a moan, muffled by Alex's mouth on his. Alex took the opportunity to slip his tongue past Jay's lip, reveling in the taste of him. It had been so long, and yet Jay still tasted the same. He still tasted like Jay.
Alex pulled back again, hand combing through Jay's hair. "I missed you..." Alex hummed, as if it weren't the most obvious statement in the world.
Jay chuckled, hands roaming Alex's back before they found purchase on Alex's hips. "I know... I missed you too." He hummed, leaning up and pressing a kiss to his cheek. "So much. I always did. Even when me and Tim were chasing you down, I couldn't help but miss you. I couldn't help but miss us." Jay felt like he was going to cry again, but he held back the tears. He was here now, with Alex. He could worry about everything else later, because all that mattered was his hands on his hips, and Alex's hands in his hair and on the small of his back.
Alex sniffled, pulling Jay closer and pressing a chaste kiss to his forehead, remaining for a second as he buried his face in his hair. "God, Jay." He whispered, feeling tears begin to prick at the corners of his eyes again. "You really should hate me, you know?" Alex let out a sarcastic laugh, and Jay's grip on his hips tightened. "I just- i don't get it. I don't deserve this. I don't deserve you."
Jay stared up at Alex, so much love in his eyes, and Alex couldn't bare to meet them. Jay's fingers idly fidgeting with the hem of Alex's shirt as he contemplated a response. Jay wanted to fix everything with his words. He knew he couldn't, but he wanted to glue Alex back together. Maybe he couldn't undo the cracks in Alex like he wanted, but perhaps he could plaster them together, as both of them did their best to hold the other together.
"You deserve to be loved. I've already told you. It wasn't all your fault. I'll never fully blame you. I'll never fully forgive you, either. But I don't hate you. I don't think I could, even if I tried." Jay muttered as he leaned in, pressing himself into Alex. "You might not deserve me... but that doesn't mean I'm going to leave. You're stuck with me." Jay let out a half-hearted chuckle, broken up by his shuddering breath.
"I love you, Jay." Alex hadn't said those words in a long time. He honestly couldn't remember the last time he said it. He was so scared to say it in college, worried he would scare Jay off, but that didn't matter to him now. All those problems that seemed so trivial compared to now didn't matter to him because he had Jay in his hands, and he had to get it all out now before he left him again.
Jay's breath hitched, but he nodded, still struggling to hold back tears.
"I love you too." Jay pressed a kiss to Alex's shoulder before looking up at him. Both boys had looked so tired. For so long, Jay watched Alex struggle to sleep. He knew how tired he was, and while he couldn't see his reflection, Jay knew he was tired from the way his eyes drooped and struggled to stay open. Alex noticed the deep bags under Jay's eyes. He cupped his cheek and gently rubbed his thumb under Jay's left eye. Alex's gaze diverted to the bed.
Alex gently led Jay over by the small of his back. He took off the sweater he was wearing, which probably reeked with the scent of not being washed for days, before he flopped down onto the bed. Alex straightened out his legs and held his arms out and open, an invitation.
Jay smiled, he didn't need to be told twice. He laid down on top of Alex, pressing his head to his chest, listening to the soft and rhythmic beating of Alex's heart. Alex's hand rested on Jay's back, and the other laid at his side. Jay reached for it, snaking their fingers together, and smiling at the sight.
Alex noticed how little Jay weighed. He could feel him, but he felt significantly lighter than he did when he laid on him in college. He wondered if it was because of his now ghostly status or if it had something to do with the stress and lack of proper self care he experienced before he died.
"What do you think'll happen? Do you- is this permanent? Are you supposed to fulfill some desire before you can pass on or what?" Alex muttered after a long bout of silence.
"I don't- i don't know. But, it doesn't matter. Not right now." It didn't, but Alex would still worry about it. Still, he did his best to shive the worries into the back of his mind. "All that matters now is that we're here. Together." Alex nodded in agreement.
Alex's curious mind couldn't help but wonder, and he soon found his hands wandering, poking and prodding at Jay. It was obvious that he could feel it, from the way he muttered half-hearted complaints through bouts of laughter as Alex tickled at his sides. He wondered if Jay could feel the pain in his shoulder, if he could feel the bullet still lodged in his skin. He was sure he could, because it seemed like he opted on using his other hand to do most things, but he wondered just how much it hurt him. He hoped it wasn't much, he didn't deserve to feel so much pain anymore.
As Alex lay their, listening to Jay's rhythmic breaths, he couldn't help but allow his eyes to close, exhaustion hitting him like a truck for the first time in a few days. He wanted to stay up, keep Jay company, but when he looked down and saw the boy with closed eyes and a sleepy smile, he figured just a few minutes of rest wouldn't hurt. Just a few minutes.
Both boys had slept for hours, Alex finally not interrupted by nightmares or paranoia. When he woke up to find Jay still asleep on top of him, he smiled, a bright genuine smile that he hadn't felt in a long time.
Everything might be fucked. He might be crazy, and there might be a ghost of the man he killed laying on top of him, but it didn't matter. He didn't care if he was crazy or fucked up for indulging in such a domestic relationship after everything he had done, he didn't care because he was happy. And Jay was happy. As long as Jay was happy, he'd do anything.