Chapter Text
As soon as Five warped into the kitchen he realized his mistake.
Luther and Allison were arguing.
“So which is it?!” Luther yelled. “You can’t have it both ways!”
Allison spotted Five first and plastered on a smile. “Five! Hey!”
Luther startled, spinning around. “Oh… Five.”
Five straightened his tie. “I see I have bad timing,” he said. “I’ll make myself scarce.”
“No, no!” Allison said. “You're my Valentine, we- let’s go out. Just you and me.”
She glanced at Luther, directing towards him a smile which held a particular kind of venom, and added, “Since Luther has a date.”
Five shook his head. “We can do that later. You two just… carry on.”
And he blinked into another room.
Five wasn’t stupid. He knew what the conflict was. But there was also this nagging feeling at the back of his mind, a vague certainty, that he’d forgotten something important. What was it? And what would it solve?
When Allison flew back to New York she did not take the problem with her. Luther obsessed over her like a divorcée with an ax to grind.
“And she said Valentine’s Day should be a family holiday!” Luther ranted. “A family holiday?!”
Klaus had mastered the art of sympathetically nodding.
“The nerve of that woman.”
“That’s just,” Ben looked embarrassed, he paused- as if reconsidering his words- but then continued. “That’s what you say when you don’t have a date.”
Ben and Vanya had made the trip to California this time. They, and Allison, were the members of the family who’d born the holiday date-less.
“Am I being unreasonable?” Luther said. “Should I have cancelled my date?”
“Of course not,” Five said. “She’s the unreasonable one.”
“Amen!” Klaus said.
“But maybe you should have warned her?” Ben said. “Told her about it ahead of time?”
“Nuh uh!” Klaus said. “If I were you and my… and she hadn’t expected me to have a date, I would have been insulted!”
Luther sighed. “No, I probably should have told her. I just… I didn’t even know she was going to be in New York for Valentine’s Day. I mean, after last year…”
Five nodded.
“What happened last year?” Ben said.
Klaus giggled. “They got mistaken for a cute little family.”
“Huh?” Ben said.
“A waitress thought I was their son,” Five said. “Allison flipped out.”
“She likes to say it’s all about her image,” Klaus said. “Oh, she just couldn’t live with the shame of it!”
“I’m confused,” Ben said.
“You don’t think that’s the reason?” Luther stared at Klaus with an expression that mingled hope and horror. “She said… but I guess it doesn’t matter now.”
“Guys, I’m so confused,” Ben said.
“I’ll explain it to you later,” Five said.
“Any-who!” Klaus said. “How was your date? Did she put out? Did’ja touch tongues?”
“Don’t be crass,” Five said.
“Did she like the bear?” Ben asked. Before Luther could answer, Ben turned to Klaus and added, “I helped him make a really cute one at Build a Bear Workshop.”
“I think you liked the bear,” Five said. “You should make it again for yourself.”
Ben gave this idea serious consideration.
“Would that be lame?”
Klaus poked Luther on the cheek. “Why so quiet? Give us the deets!”
Luther sighed.
“I’ll go with you,” Five told Ben. “You can pretend you’re making it for me.”
“The girl who works there is really nice,” Ben said. “I think she-”
“Good god, man,” Klaus said, forgetting Luther to frown at Ben disapprovingly. “Just download a dating app.”
“I just think she’s giving me a lot of mixed signals,” Luther said. “Is it just me? Am I crazy?”
Klaus put an arm around Ben’s shoulder, and snaked his other arm with Luther’s, like a Victornian woman about to take her gentleman for a stroll.
“My brothers!” Klaus declared, with his usual drama. “Despite what popular culture would lead you to believe, love is not a battlefield.”
“Then what is it?” Five said.
Ben and Luther looked at Klaus expectantly.
“Love is…” Klaus pursed his lips. “It’s a… it’s a dance!”
“Riiight,” Luther said. “I’m going to need something a little more specific.”
“Your date was terrible, then?” Five said.
“It was awful,” Luther admitted. “It just… it was awful.”
“I just want to meet someone who’s nice,” Ben said. “And if she likes books that would be a bonus, but she doesn’t have to.”
“I don’t see what the big deal is,” Five said. “What will you get out of it, once you win their affection? It’s just one more person to worry about.”
“I strongly suspect you’re asexual,” Klaus said. “But I dunno. Could be too early to tell.”
Five frowned. He didn't like unfamiliar words.
"It means you don't like sex," Luther said. "I mean, not you, that's what asexual means. Unless that is you, cause I would support you."
Five tilted his head. "Support me? The hell does that mean?"
"Or maybe he’s just dense,” Klaus said. “Maybe this whole time Five has been, like, constipated with teenage lust and he doesn’t even know. It would explain some things.”
“Are you still talking about me?” Five huffed.
“Both of you,” Klaus said. “Five squared.”
“I support you too, by the way,” Ben said. “Like, either way. Whatever your orientation ends up being.”
“Uh huh,” Five said. “I’m done with this conversation.”
On a whim, Five decided to teleport to Vanya’s apartment. She was a more reliable source of information anyway.
There was no need to panic. Dad was wrong. Of course he was wrong. Everyone always said Dad was wrong. Even Luther held him in contempt. This Luther, anyway. The older one. The better one.
That was all the reassurance Five needed.
If Dad could see what I’ve seen, he’d realize it, Five thought. But I’m the only one, so it’s up to me.
The thing was, there was no clear solution. What is one meant to do, when there’s no clear solution?
“You’re an overly ambitious child,” Dad had said. “Settle down and leave it to the adults.”
Hadn’t Luther said the same thing himself? He’d been nicer about it, but that was his advice too.
The adults are stupid, Five decided. Screw them.
There was nothing to do but prepare for the inevitable. So Five prepared. He did it on the sly, so no one would panic. Because there was no need to panic.
He even enrolled with the freaking boy scouts, to divert suspicion. As an added bonus, this pleased Vanya. She thought it meant he was finally taking an interest in “kids his own age.”
Maybe he should have consoled himself with these small things, but it wasn’t enough.
There was a memory that nagged at him.
The panic, when Five had first found himself in that ash filled wasteland over a year ago. The hours running around, exhausting himself, and the realization that there was too much ground to cover.
There had been a car. It was damaged, but still running. The key had been left in the ignition like an invitation, but Five didn’t know how to fucking drive.
He decided to learn.
“What were you thinking?” Luther said, voice dripping with disapproval.
Five shrugged.
“How could you endanger yourself like that?” Luther said. “And not only yourself, think of the civilians! If you’d crashed into another car instead, someone could have been killed. Could you live with that on your conscience?”
He hadn’t crashed into another car. He’d crashed into a tree.
“If you’d just taught me when I asked,” Five said. “I never would have crashed.”
Luther crossed his arms together. “You’re too young to be driving.”
“I’m almost fifteen!”
“You’re nowhere near fifteen,” Luther said. “You’re not even halfway there.”
The family birthday was seven months away, but there was something Luther wasn’t accounting for.
“I’m older than you think I am,” Five said. “You forget, I’ve time traveled. My birthday doesn’t actually line up with October anymore.”
“You’re still too young to drive,” Luther said. “And I don’t appreciate you stealing the car keys behind my back.”
“You don’t understand,” Five said. “I need to learn. I have to be able to drive.”
“No, you don’t understand,” Luther said. “I get that you’re proud to be a prodigy, but you don’t have to be in such a hurry with everything. This is one of those things you can’t skip ahead on.”
“This isn’t about pride.”
“Then what’s it about?”
Five considered telling the truth. Ask for help: isn’t that what everyone always said he should do?
But on this particular issue, Five had already asked for help. He’d asked and Luther had failed to provide it.
There was no point bringing it up again.
“You can’t stop me,” Five said. “I’ll drive whenever I please.”
“Wow,” Luther said. “I don’t even know what to say to that.”
“Good,” Five said.
With that, Five made his exit.
“Please, try to see it from our perspective,” Vanya said. “We don’t want to let you drive because we already know what will happen. The other Five was stubborn about it too. It created all these problems with law enforcement.”
Luther just had to get Vanya involved.
“That was then,” Five said. “The other Five looked thirteen back then. I’m older than that.”
“You’re still not old enough,” Luther said. “Don’t you realize how dangerous it is? Child services might be called. We could lose you.”
Five frowned and Luther plowed on, “We love you, Five.”
Vanya elbowed him.
“I mean, I love you,” Luther said. “I love you and I don’t want to lose you.”
Vanya nodded in approval.
“But-”
“And you don’t want to hurt anyone,” Vanya said. “Isn’t that right?”
Five groaned.
“You could seriously injure someone,” Vanya said. “Or yourself. Please, just… don’t put us through all that?”
“I’ll be more careful next time,” Five said. “I won’t crash again.”
“Let me teach you,” Luther said. “I’ll make sure you learn safely. Just wait until our birthday.”
“It’s seven months away!” Five said. “That’s too long to wait!”
“It’ll go by quickly,” Vanya said. “If you focus your energy on something else in the meantime, it’ll be October before you know it.”
“Are things not going well with the boy scouts?” Luther said. “Did you get bored?”
“This has nothing to do with them,” Five said.
“Do you have trouble talking to the other boys?” Vanya said. “I know your vocabulary is a bit of an obstacle, sometimes…”
“I won’t even look any different,” Five said. “What’s seven months, looks wise? If a cop pulls me over I’ll just say I’m fifteen.”
“You don’t have a learner’s permit,” Luther said. “Actually, I think you need to be sixteen to get one.”
“Klaus knows a guy,” Five said. “They can forge one for me. I’ll say I’m whatever age I need to be. Fifteen, sixteen, whatever.”
Luther frowned. “That’s a crime.”
“Oh, but it wasn’t a crime when Vanya and Allison forged fake birth certificates for me and the other Five?" Five shouted. "That wasn’t a crime, but this is?”
"Five,” Vanya sighed. “You know why we did that.”
“I guess only adults can commit crimes!” Five said. “My mistake, I’ll wait until I’m older! Then I’ll rob a bank. That’s fine, right? To commemorate my eighteenth birthday.”
"That's not funny," Luther said.
Vanya reached out for a hug, but Five dodged it.
"Please," Vanya said. "Just-
"You're always pleading with me," Five snapped. "Stay still, Five, stay put, Five, stay behind, Five!"
"Because I love you!" Vanya said.
"We want what's best for you," Luther said. "We want-"
"And you know what's best?" Five scoffed. "Just cause you're older?"
"It's not necessarily about age," Vanya said. "But you haven't matured enough to realize-"
"You spent an entire year avoiding your sister out of pure spite!" Five said. "And you think you're mature?"
Vanya wilted like a flower.
"Five," Luther groaned. "You shouldn't-"
"I'm done taking orders!" Five screamed. "Especially from you, Luther. You're just a... a moronic ape man!"
Luther looked at Vanya uncertainly. "He's acting out because he's hurting?"
Vanya nodded tightly, gripping her elbows in each hand.
"Hurting?" Five sneered. "Is that the new theory?"
"Something's wrong," Luther said. "It isn't really about wanting to drive, is it?"
"Fuck you," Five said.
"This isn't a productive conversation," Vanya said. "Why don't we take a break? Cool off and try again tomorrow?"
Five glared at her. "You do that. Go cool off."
"Wait," Luther said. "Let's get to the bottom of this."
Vanya shook her head. "Well, I'm just, I think I'm done for the day. I'm excusing myself."
"Because it's unhealthy when I'm avoidant," Five said. "But when you abandon a conversation it's self care, right?"
Vanya winced.
"Ignore him," Luther said. "I'll see you later, Vanya."
Vanya hesitated.
"Go ahead," Five said. "Excuse yourself."
"Alright," Vanya said. "I'm coming back tomorrow."
Five shrugged.
When she was gone, Luther said, "So let's talk this out. Something's bothering you?"
"I want to drive," Five said.
"Something else?"
"No."
"I just don't get it," Luther said. "Everything was going so well. You were picking up new hobbies. The boy scouts. You were…"
"I was what?" Five said. "Acting like a 'real' kid?"
"I guess you still are," Luther said, scratching his chin. "Real teenagers rebel and stuff."
Five rolled his eyes.
"Can we reach a compromise?" Luther said. "What do you need to drive for?"
"To go places," Five said. "Obviously."
"Wouldn't a bicycle work?"
Five sighed.
"And it would be safer, don't you think?"
It would also be flimsier, Five thought. A bike probably wouldn't survive the Apocalypse.
"I'm done talking about this," Five said. "I give up."
"You don't have to give up," Luther said. "Where is it you wanted to go? A bike would be tiring, I guess. Is it somewhere really far?"
"Sure," Five said. "It's… somewhere you can't reach."
That was too close to the truth.
"On a bike," Five added.
"Did it occur to you to ask for a ride?" Luther said. "I can drive you there. Wherever it is?"
Five missed the days of ineffectual yelling. It was harder to reason with a brother that was being reasonable.
"You can't drive me," Five said, speaking slowly and thinking fast. "Because… because you're busy with college."
Luther was enrolled in the engineering department at one of the local universities.
"I'm not that busy," Luther said.
"My… goals… have a very specific time frame."
"What time frame?"
Shit. When did Luther have class? Tuesdays and Thursdays?
"Tuesdays and Thursdays," Five said. "And punctuality is important."
"Uh huh," Luther said. "And what are you doing on Tuesdays and Thursdays?"
Five threw up his hands. "None of your business!"
"Just a little odd," Luther said. "That you have this… mystery commitment. And it just so happens to fall on the two days of the week when I happen to have classes."
"Correlation... is not causation," Five said, weakly.
Not his best defense, but Five wasn't used to Luther being this sharp.
Luther chuckled. "Uh huh. So I can't drive you."
"Correct."
"But Ben could drive you," Luther said.
"Ben's a shitty driver," Five said. "He's afraid to drive above 40 miles per hour."
"Vanya-"
"Has a full schedule."
"Diego-"
"Is an asshole!" Five snapped. "He wouldn't give me a ride if I stapled our arms together."
"Okay," Luther said. "Want to try again? What's the secret here?"
"There isn't one."
"Sure, there isn't."
"You're paranoid."
"And you're defensive." Luther waggled his eyebrows in an infuriating aha! way. "What are you trying to hide?"
"My ego, I guess," Five said. "My pride."
Luther frowned. "Huh."
"I'm leaving," Five said. "There, I have announced my exit. You have been warned. Goodbye."
"Hold on," Luther said. "This isn't about pride. You wouldn't admit it if it were."
"Who cares what it's about?" Five said.
"This isn't like you," Luther said. "This is… you're acting like…"
Luther's eyes widened. "Is something wrong? Wrong wrong?"
"No."
"You can trust me," Luther said. "I can help."
"You've got the wrong idea."
"Do I?" Luther said. "C'mon, Five. Just let me help you?"
"I don't need your help."
Luther squinted at him for a moment, then said, "Do you think I'm an obstacle?"
Five scowled.
"Did I hit the mark?" Luther said. "You think something bad will happen if you tell me your secret? Or… you think I'll want to stop you for your own good?"
"Your judgment is flawed," Five said.
"What makes you say that?"
"Because you proved yourself completely incapable of grasping even a rudimentary understanding of the way the universe works!"
"The universe?"
"Yes!" Five said. "The universe, the space-time continuum, and anything that's not right under your damn nose is just too much for your pea sized brain to comprehend! So you're useless!"
Luther rubbed the back of his neck. "Okay, this took a turn. Um…"
Five swallowed. "I'm leaving for real this time."
He teleported.
Luther was trying to make some kind of point.
"Jupiter is my favorite planet," Luther said. "It's a lot more complex than most people realize."
Five grunted. He was just trying to eat his breakfast in peace.
"Like the red spot is a giant hurricane," Luther said. "It's a permanent hurricane."
Five resisted the urge to say, I know. Instead, he nodded noncommittally and focused on his scrambled eggs.
"That's cool," Ben said. "I didn't know that."
"And you know those big rings around Saturn?" Luther said. "Jupiter has something similar. It's just that the rings are thinner. But it has them too."
"The rings are made of asteroids," Ben said. "Right?"
Five debated abandoning his meal. He'd eaten half. That was good enough, right?
"Yeah," Luther said. "Or chunks of rock that got knocked loose from moons that got hit by asteroids."
Five stood and carried his plate to the kitchen.
"One of Saturn's moons," Luther said, raising his voice. "is covered in ice. There's bacteria in the ice! Alien bacteria!"
Five dumped his leftover eggs down the sink and turned on the garbage disposal, drowning Luther out.
He decided to leave it on and warped back to his room.
"Heeey," Luther said. "I've been thinking, what if we go on a camping trip?"
Five groaned.
"It'll be fun!" Luther said. "We can put your boy scout skills to the test and, and lay down under the stars. Get a good look without all the city lights blocking the view."
"I know what you're doing," Five said.
"I bought a telescope," Luther said. "A really fancy one. You'll be able to see everything. The whole universe. And you can show me."
Five rubbed his temples. "It's not possible to see the whole universe."
"Also, I sort of miss it," Luther said. "Being able to look at everything. For a while, I kind of avoided looking up. Like, at all. Because it… I had some negative associations."
"I'll give you a few more associations if you don't back. Off."
"We can get a golf cart," Luther said. "Or, like, one of those little jeeps? It's not what you wanted, but… we can drive around a little, then set up a tent, then look through the telescope?"
Five took in Luther's earnest expression.
What a stupidly hopeful dope, Five thought. But I guess he's my dope.
"There aren't any aliens," Five said. "Not on Titan, anyway."
Luther blinked.
"The bacteria," Five said. "It's a theory. There's not enough evidence to prove Saturn's moon has alien bacteria below the ice."
"Oh right, right," Luther said. "I knew that, I just wanted to get your attention."
"Guess I fell for your trap."
"So can we go camping?" Luther shifted nervously from one foot to the other. "Maybe this weekend?"
"You wouldn't fit in a golf cart," Five said.
"Oh," Luther said. "Yeah, probably not."
"It's fine," Five said. "We can leave that part out."
"Yeah?"
"The rest sounds… it sounds alright," Five said. "So… so alright."
"Alright?"
"I'll go," Five said. "Do you need it in writing?"
Luther grinned. "This weekend."
"Yeah."
"You can't back out at the last minute."
"I won't."
"Maybe I should get it in writing."
"Then get a pen," Five quipped.
Luther ruffled his hair. "Nah, I'll trust you."
Trust. He made it sound like such a simple thing.
Five wanted to trust him.
Maybe he could work up to it?
"Luther?"
"Yeah?"
"I… I do have a secret."
"Okay," Luther said. "Do you want to let me in on it?"
"No," Five said. "Maybe… maybe later."
There's no need to panic, Five reminded himself. I still have the briefcase. They're not in any real danger.
"Alright," Luther said. "I appreciate your honesty."
"What?" Five said. "But I didn't say anything."
"You acknowledged the elephant in the room," Luther said. "It still counts. Like Vanya says. Progress is progress."
"Sometimes I think Vanya's the real number one in this family," Five muttered.
Luther chuckled. "We're all number one."
Five scoffed.
"Metaphorically," Luther added.
"You suck at metaphors," Five said. "Leave them to the smart people."
Luther's smile would not be dampened so easily. He just laughed good naturedly.
The younger Luther had been like that too, hadn't he? There just wasn't as much wiggle room, when Dad was alive.
Either way, Five was glad to be rid of the man. Things were better now, weren't they?
Or maybe that was just what Five wanted to think.