Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Someone tapped his shoulder and Kaveh startled awake. He wasn’t a light sleeper, not at all, but it was difficult to sleep deeply while slumped over the hardwood of the university library tables, with only his rolled-up jacket shoved under his cheek as a pillow. Normally he would have stayed behind in the architecture studio under the guise of working late, only to crawl under his desk and curl up there. But as exams were fast approaching more of his classmates started coming into the studio earlier than usual, and Kaveh didn’t want to be found in such a vulnerable state. 

Besides, this was the prestigious Sumeru University where facilities were open all day to encourage all to stay engrossed in their studies until the early hours of the morning. What was Kaveh but just another burnt-out student who happened to fall asleep in the library while working hard?

That’s what he had told himself, but clearly, someone had not gotten the memo. Kaveh groaned and rubbed his sleep-filled eyes, blinking in the dim light that filled the grand room. His blurry vision adjusted to the sight of a large figure standing over him, arms folded.

“Oh, so you are awake,” came the voice of the man in front of him. “Good. You were barely moving so I worried that you may have been dead, or worse, hungover.”

Kaveh blinked a few times. He didn’t feel dead, although the emptiness in his stomach made him feel pretty close. As for hungover… God, when was the last time he’d had a drink? Alcohol was hard for him to come by outside of special occasions, but he could try crashing a house party just for the booze. And maybe to raid the host’s fridge if everyone else was too drunk to notice.

He shelved that thought for later. Now that he was awake and coherent enough, he took a moment to observe the man who had disturbed his slumber in the first place. He was tall and well-built, with light hair that was brushed out of his face under a pair of noise-cancelling headphones. Kaveh wondered for a brief moment if he was some athlete here on a sports scholarship or something. He looked like the kind of guy who would play water polo. Broad shoulders, strong arms. Small waist.

Not bad looking. Not at all.

Too bad that such an attractive face was set in a stony glare. Kaveh could sense this man’s disdain for him, and the knowledge clouded his brain with defensive annoyance. He’s only just met me and he already clearly thinks so little of me!

Kaveh huffed. “Watch what you say. You’re in the presence of the esteemed Light of Kesharewar.”

The man’s expression didn’t change. “Okay.”

Kaveh stifled a gasp. The nerve! Does he have no respect for academic achievers?

Trying to regain his composure, Kaveh stood up and smoothed his clothes. He hoped he didn’t look too dishevelled, but he wasn’t used to anyone catching him so off guard like this. Usually, he managed to wake up before the cleaners arrived at dawn, and he’d find an empty bathroom to freshen up and apply his makeup. Now all he could do was pray that the clips in his hair hadn’t come out before he had a chance to wash it.

“My mistake.” Kaveh’s voice was strained. “Let me introduce myself properly. I’m Kaveh. I’m majoring in architecture over at the Kesharewar campus. It’s a pleasure to meet you.”

He held out his hand. The man’s eyes flicked down to look at it before returning to make intense eye contact with Kaveh.

“I didn’t come over here to learn your name,” he said with a bored expression. “I was just doing my duty of making sure that there wasn’t a dead body in a public space.”

Kaveh’s hand flinched backwards. He hugged his arms, suddenly aware of how cold he felt in his thin white shirt. “Jesus Christ, okay, I was trying to be friendly.”

Now that Kaveh had dropped the niceties, the man in front of him actually gave out a faint smile. Odd, Kaveh observed. Was he just trying to rile me up?

He didn’t get to ask about it, because just like that the man turned on his heel and strode off, disappearing behind endless bookshelves. Kaveh vaguely wondered what section of the library he was headed towards. What do athletes study? Aerodynamics? And that’s assuming he was actually an athlete, and not just some insanely hunky biochemistry student.

Now finally alone, Kaveh sank back into his chair, let out a deep sigh and closed his eyes. He hadn’t slept nearly as well or as long as he probably needed to get through the day, and the intrusion from that guy hadn’t helped. He wanted nothing more than to lay down in bed - a real bed - and have a full night’s rest. He couldn’t remember the last time that he had that. 

He allowed himself to keep his eyes closed for a few more breaths. After the last breath, he fished out the phone in his pocket and powered it on. The battery was halfway drained, so he’d have to find a charging port to use sometime during the day. He navigated through various apps, checking his class timetable and his emails, before finally checking his text messages. The notifications that he had gotten from texts had dwindled over the past few months, but there were a few reliable contacts always reaching out to him. One of them was Tighnari, who had sent him several hiking photos from the rainforest expedition he’d been on for the past few weeks. Most of the pictures were just of weird plants that Tighnari thought were cool, but he’d slipped in some group selfies with his classmates. Kaveh smiled at the sight of his friend’s face, though his chest constricted at the reminder of the distance between them.

And speaking of distance…

The only other message awaiting Kaveh was from his mom. Like Tighnari, she had sent him photos of her new discoveries, namely the streets and cafes of Fontaine. Kaveh swiped through the pictures slowly, taking in all the information that he could. Some photos were ones that his mom had clearly taken to show off the buildings, and while Kaveh appreciated being able to marvel at the foreign architecture, he was most interested in the photos that simply depicted his mother’s daily life. He saw cappuccinos, dainty little cakes, several sketchbooks and a few novels. His mom never took selfies, so while he didn’t get to see any photos of her, he was happy to see her world from her perspective. He could imagine her waking up early to grab breakfast and coffee at a cafe close to her apartment, where she would stay and draw everything she saw until the afternoon sun lured her to the local parks. She would take a leisurely stroll, snapping a few pictures for herself and her son, before heading home to make herself dinner. After unwinding for a while she would text him a good night message before settling into a warm bed, oblivious to the fact that her only son didn’t have the same luxury.

Kaveh’s daydream ended with the final photo, and he could no longer ignore the final text from his mom. It was a simple, innocent message, but seeing it made his heart sink once more.

Love you, شیر نر. Hope that your studies are going well and that you are happy. Remember to take care of yourself <3

Were his studies going well? Uh… He still received high scores on all his assignments, but he could feel himself slipping both in quality of work and stability. And he couldn’t say that he was taking care of himself when he was lucky if he could steal a moment to shower on campus without anyone noticing. 

So… Was he at least happy?

Kaveh pressed his lips into a thin line as he typed out his reply.

Final project is coming along nicely, I’m so excited!! I love you too mom. Eat a lot of Fontaine snacks for me!

He powered his phone off and slipped it into his briefcase. He had about two hours before his first class, which should be enough time to find a bathroom to clean up in and to run down to his favourite convenience store for an energy drink or two. Or three. Fuck, he wished he had something stronger to drink.

*

Four energy drink cans and a decent chunk out of his bank account later, Kaveh sat shrimped at his workspace with his face buried in his sketchbook. He kept his drawings as small thumbnails, blatantly aware of how few blank pages he had left. Architecture students were required to all use the same, insanely expensive sketchbook for all their projects and Kaveh had already blown through all his college stationery savings (as well as his regular savings) and there was no way he could afford to buy a new one any time soon. If he had to, he would sew in extra pages until his project was complete.

While he sketched, Kaveh did a few calculations in his head. He’d been spending quite a bit of Mora on energy drinks lately. It was a good appetite suppressant and a much better option than the bitter, watery coffee always available in the architecture studio. Despite his situation, Kaveh couldn’t deny himself simple pleasures with sugar and caffeine. He was already deprived of so much as it were, so why should he not buy himself a little treat to get through the day?

The problem was that his meagre savings were quickly dwindling and he had no source of income. As a full-time student, there was no way he could pick up a part-time job, even if he did have the time for it between all his classes and assignments. Besides, most legitimate workplaces required proof of residence from employees, which was something that Kaveh couldn’t provide. As for less legitimate establishments… Well, Kaveh was desperate but he wasn’t that desperate.

Kaveh didn’t realize how forcefully he was scribbling until the nib of his 2H pencil snapped off. He cursed under his breath and fumbled around for a sharpener. With the way things were going, he would soon have to brave the taste of the communal coffee pot, and he was not looking forward to that. 

He took a moment to lean back and stretch, feeling the satisfying cracks run through his spine. Even if he couldn’t stay sleeping in the studio for much longer, he couldn’t keep sleeping in the same hunched-over position that he spent all day sketching in. He’d heard horror stories of artists who had messed up their backs and couldn’t sit up to draw anymore. And if he couldn’t produce art, where would that leave him and his future plans? Perhaps he could find a part of the library abandoned enough for him to sleep on the floor without anyone noticing. That wouldn’t be too conspicuous, right?

One problem at a time, he reminded himself. Now that he had consumed enough caffeine to give a small animal a heart attack and he had spent the entire day grinding through his assignments, there was one more need that he couldn’t ignore for much longer - and the deep growls from his gut were getting so loud and frequent that he was sure that no one sitting near him could ignore the sounds either.

Food first, he promised. Then a comfortable place to sleep.

*

The food in question came in the form of mostly abandoned, half-eaten snacks in plastic bowls that littered the tiny kitchen. He had overheard one of his classmates mention a house party not too far from campus, and he had promptly invited himself to the event. After being sure to show his face on the dance floor for long enough that the partygoers accepted his presence there, Kaveh drifted off to the kitchen to scrounge for any leftovers. 

The party’s host had done an excellent job of keeping the place stocked up with alcohol and mixers, but food had clearly not been prioritized in the same way. Kaveh rummaged through cupboards, finding only dry cereal that he couldn’t reliably wolf down before anyone caught him in the act. The state of the fridge wasn’t any better, featuring only a few chilled beers, an empty carton of milk, and half a block of cheese. As tempting as it was to devour the entirety of the cheese, Kaveh rationed a quarter for himself before grabbing a beer and slamming the fridge door shut. He fumbled through the kitchen drawers in search of a bottle opener, mumbling curses to himself as he struggled.

“It’s a twist,” came a familiar voice. An annoyingly familiar one.

Kaveh glanced up to see the same guy from the library once again standing in front of him. He dressed casually, in sweatpants and a hoodie, and despite being at a social gathering he still had his headphones on. He nursed his own beer bottle in one hand as he stared at Kaveh with the same intensity from that morning.

“What?” Kaveh checked the cap of the bottle, and sure enough, it bore an arrow curved into an arc to indicate that he only needed to twist the cap for it to open. He felt his cheeks flush and he hastily popped the cap off, avoiding eye contact. “I knew that.”

The library guy looked amused. “First the library, and now here. Do you make a habit of loitering in empty places like this?”

Kaveh took a sip of his beer. “What do you mean ‘loitering?’ The library is open at all hours and I just came to the kitchen for a drink. Besides, I could ask you the same question!”

Library guy looked unbothered. “I came here to get away from all the noise. You look like you’re trying to get away from something else.”

Who does this guy think he is? Doesn’t he know how rude it is to psychoanalyse a person you’ve just met?

Kaveh rolled his eyes. “I don’t need to take life advice from some jock. I’m perfectly capable of handling my own problems just fine.”

At that, the guy smirked. “You think I’m a jock? I didn’t know that students of the arts were so shallow as to judge people by their appearance. You should consider switching to linguistics where you can learn something about the power of words and their meanings, instead of just saying the first thing that comes to your mind without any further thought.”

Kaveh felt his face grow hotter, but he couldn’t tell how much of it was from embarrassment at being wrong and how much was frustration with this smartass. “Oh, so you’re a linguistics major? That explains why you’re so stuck up, but it doesn’t explain your limited vocabulary or lack of manners.”

“I never said I was a linguistics major.”

“You didn’t say anything. Not even your name.”

He paused for a beat as if considering his next words. “Alhaitham,” he said finally.

Kaveh rolled the name around in his mind. Alhaitham. It was a pretty name and it suited him well. Not that Kaveh thought this nuisance of a man was pretty. Just… Objectively attractive.

A thought tugged on the corners of Kaveh’s brain. He needed a place to stay, even just for one night of proper rest, and here was a perfectly good-looking man who probably had his own apartment and bed. Kaveh didn’t consider himself someone who would resort to seduction to fulfil his own needs, but it couldn’t hurt to try. If Alhaitham wasn’t up for it he could probably find some other partygoer to hook up with for the night.

But Kaveh secretly wished he wouldn’t have to find someone else.

He took a long, slow sip of his drink and dragged his eyes up and down Alhaitham’s body. Alhaitham watched him with a casual interest. Maybe this would be easier than he thought.

Kaveh drained his drink down to the last drop. Here goes nothing.

Chapter Text

When Kaveh woke up his back felt so much better, but his head was in agony. Warm sunlight poured onto his face, which was strange because he usually slept in the darkest corners where the rays couldn’t reach him. While the feeling was unfamiliar, it was welcome. But it wasn’t the only unfamiliar thing that he’d woken up to.

It took Kaveh a few moments to realize that he was in a space that clearly wasn’t one of his usual sleeping spots. He scanned his surroundings, taking note of the tacky furniture and discarded plastic cups scattered across the floor. His gaze lowered to the thick green blanket over him and it didn’t take long for him to recognize the couch that he was stretched out on. The spacious living room he was in was the same one that countless students had spent the previous night in, dancing and getting drunk.

Kaveh let out a sigh, and the simple breath was enough to send a sharp pain to his already aching temples. He groaned and rubbed his forehead, wracking his hungover brain for details about the previous night. He remembered downing several drinks. That was his first mistake. As for his second mistake…

He slowly sat up and inspected himself. His clothes were still intact, save for his shoes which were lined up neatly under the coffee table. There were no visible marks that he could see anywhere on his skin. He must have passed out on the couch before Alhaitham could have a chance to take him home. It was quite an anti-climatic conclusion to come to, but Kaveh was grateful that he managed to secure a comfortable resting place without the added awkwardness of a one-night stand. As cute as Alhaitham was, it was probably best if Kaveh avoided sleeping in too many strangers’ homes.

And this stranger’s home… Wait, whose house even is this?

Kaveh didn’t want to stick around to find out. As quickly and as quietly as he could without triggering any more stabbing sensations within his scalp, he got up and slipped on his shoes. He was about ready to leave when he realized that his beloved briefcase - the one that held all his project work and the last of his possessions - was nowhere to be seen. Cursing to himself, he frantically searched the living room. He flung couch cushions aside and dove under furniture, but there was no such luck. While sprawled out on the floor, having just investigated the gap under the couch, Kaveh heard footsteps approaching.

Shit.

“If I didn’t know any better, I’d think you had alcohol poisoning.” A pair of feet donning mismatched socks stopped in front of him, and Kaveh lifted his head to see Alhaitham standing over him with a whisper of a smug grin on his lips.

Kaveh groaned. Of fucking course this was Alhaitham’s house. This was just his luck.

“It’s not my fault that the only thing to do was drink.” Kaveh straightened up onto his knees. “Seriously, who hosts a party with copious amounts of alcohol but no real food to keep their guests from puking their brains out?”

Alhaitham shrugged. “Just because it was there doesn’t mean you had to drink it. No one was forcing you to get drunk out of your mind.”

Kaveh’s brows furrowed. Maybe no one was forcing him, but he was someone who couldn’t allow anything in front of him to go to waste. The moment he cracked open another bottle he felt obligated to consume every last drop, or else be plagued by the guilt of wasting a perfectly good drink. Sure, he could have opted to stop after the first few, but he couldn’t deny that the feeling of having something, anything , fill his stomach brought him comfort. He was reminded of the fact that, even after last night, he still hadn’t had a decent meal.

“Well.” Kaveh picked himself off the floor and dusted himself off. “You can’t blame me for enjoying life’s simple pleasures. But I guess I can’t expect a linguistics scholar to appreciate good taste, especially considering the state of your interior design.”

He barely knew what he was saying anymore, and he was struck by Alhaitham’s previous comment about learning to think before spoke. Surely, if Kaveh put more thought into his words then maybe more of his daily problems would be solved, and Alhaitham clearly knew that. But damn it, Kaveh was stubborn and he refused to adjust his attitude just because some mildly attractive guy told him to.

Alhaitham didn’t get a chance to respond with a snarky comment, because the weight of what could have either been Kaveh’s hangover or iron deficiency washed over him as he stumbled and caught himself on the backrest of the couch.

Alhaitham folded his arms. “Take a seat, before you break a bone or vase. Whichever comes first.”

Kaveh sat.

*

Kaveh’s shaky hands caressed the ceramic coffee cup that rest on his knee. He sat up dead straight on the couch, in stark contrast to Alhaitham who laid back in his armchair with his coffee in one hand and a book in the other. Even though he seemed engrossed in whatever he was reading, Kaveh could feel Alhaitham checking on him in his peripheral vision. The feeling made Kaveh uneasy.

He fixed his attention on the dark liquid in front of him, bringing the mug to his lips and tentatively taking a sip. The rich, sweet blend took him by surprise. He didn’t consider himself exactly picky, and he really couldn’t afford to be anyway, but he had expected to instantly dislike whatever brew Alhaitham had offered. But the coffee was exactly to his tastes, and it was one of the most delicious things he had consumed in a long while.

“I -” Kaveh cleared his throat, avoiding awkward eye contact. “Thank you. For the coffee.”

Alhaitham’s eyes lifted from his page just enough to stare directly at him. His stare was intense, and Kaveh stiffened further. 

Finally, Alhaitham said, “You should wash your hair,” and returned his attention to his book.

Kaveh huffed. He’d caught sight of himself in the hallway mirror, and he couldn’t deny that he looked like a mess - all unruly blond strands and smeared makeup. As far as Alhaitham knew, that was just the result of a wild night of drinking, but Kaveh could feel the layers of dirt built up on his skin from days without a full wash. 

“Didn’t your parents ever teach you that it’s rude to stare or comment on other people’s appearances?” Kaveh sighed. “But if you really can’t stand the sight of me anymore, I’ll finish my coffee and go.”

Go where? Kaveh didn’t know. Anywhere but here.

“Just shower here.”

The words from Alhaitham’s mouth shook all of Kaveh’s defences. Despite his chiding of the other man’s staring, Kaveh’s eyes were fixed on Alhaitham, mouth agape as he struggled to speak. Was Alhaitham being… nice?

The linguistics student didn’t look up from his book, and it was unclear whether or not he had caught Kaveh’s reaction. “You’re already here, and I don’t care for any unsavoury rumours that may come my way if you left my residence looking like this. It will only lead to annoying questions from people I don’t care about.”

Oh. So he wasn’t being nice, he was only worried that Kaveh would sully his reputation. Kaveh understood the sentiment, but he didn’t get why Alhaitham would care so much. Unless -

Kaveh cleared his throat. “Um, so last night. We didn’t, uh…”

“Have sex? No. You passed out almost as soon as you propositioned me.”

A part of Kaveh was surprised by the relief that filled his chest. Sure, he had been up for it last night, but now that he had a clearer mind and a full night’s rest he only felt mortified that he had brought it up in the first place. He wished he could remember the events leading up to his loss of consciousness, if only just to know how Alhaitham had reacted to his proposal. Was he disgusted? Intrigued? Or worse yet, did he think he was desperate and pathetic?

Kaveh felt desperate and pathetic. But he didn’t want Alhaitham to think that he was.

“If you ask me, you shouldn’t be so reckless in the future,” Alhaitham continued. “Drinking excessively and trying to hook up with the first person you meet at a party is not a healthy habit to have. You should make sure that you have a friend to chaperone you if you plan on getting drunk in an unfamiliar place. And eat a full meal beforehand.”

Ok, so now he’s lecturing me. Great.

“Maybe I would be less hungover if there was real food in the kitchen,” Kaveh snapped. “You still haven’t answered my question about that. How could you host a party and not keep something other than chips and pretzels out for guests? Your fridge is completely barren!”

Alhaitham sighed. “If there was food freely available to everyone, my landlord would have chased every single person down with an itemised bill based on what they ate. The most logical solution was to provide light snacks on my own dime.”

Kaveh took a moment to consider his response. “Your landlord sounds hella stingy.”

“Not the exact way I would describe it, but essentially, yes.”

Kaveh understood financial troubles more than anyone. At the start of the academic year, when his scholarship sponsors had their annual budget sliced in half, the first to go was their coverage of student accommodation and monthly living expenses. Had he received a prior warning then maybe Kaveh would have been more thrifty in his spending habits for his first few years of study, but instead he was left to fend for himself with what little he had left over. And most landlords were not keen on renting out to a broke student stuck in a dying profession. His tuition was still taken care of, thank the heavens, but his ability to complete his studies hinged on surviving the year with nothing but the clothes on his back and the few possessions he still had on hand.

“I see.” Kaveh took a small sip of his coffee. “Well, I suppose that makes sense, but it’s still weird.”

Alhaitham turned a page in his book. “I don’t pretend to understand other people’s flawed reasoning, and I don’t expect you to either. Some people make choices that defy all logical sense, and I don’t care to meddle in the messes that will inevitably arise.”

“So, what, is that all that matters to you? Logic?”

“I don’t see what’s wrong with that.”

“What about passion? Or beauty?”

“Those are irrelevant.”

“No, they are not!” Kaveh didn’t know why he brought it up in the first place, but it was hard for him not to recognize the irony. Here was Alhaitham, beautiful but utterly devoid of anything resembling passion. And then on the other side of that was himself, someone who had very little outside of his interests but who paled in comparison to his own designs. Kaveh was not beautiful like Alhaitham, but he could make up for that by building structures that could be admired by scholars and citizens alike for years to come.

Alhaitham sighed and placed his book down on his lap. “We could sit and debate this for as long as you’d like, but I see no point in that. If you would like to argue, I could facilitate a structured debate for you later.”

Kaveh rolled his eyes and downed the rest of his coffee. “Typical of a language scholar like you to want to give structure to every little thing. Why can’t a conversation be just that?”

“I thought that architecture was all about creating structures. Is that not the literal definition of your chosen career path?”

“But it’s so much more than that!” Kaveh looked around. “Take this ceiling, for instance. Yes, its purpose is to provide shelter and hide the inner workings of the roof. But see how it slopes? That was an architectural choice that is both stylish and useful in temperature regulation. Would it be better if it was just a flat slab of plaster?”

“The shape of it doesn’t matter. As long as I have a roof over my head, I don’t need to question the state of my home.”

“And that’s why all your furniture is so ugly!” 

Alhaitham paused to take a pointed swig of his black coffee. “Well, when it’s your house then you can decide how to furnish it.”

Every word out of Alhaitham’s mouth felt like he was dangling his own fortune over Kaveh’s head. There was no way that was his intention, but it was impossible for Kaveh not to feel a twinge of jealousy that Alhaitham was able to rent such a beautiful home and ruin it with questionable design choices. If Kaveh had such a space to himself, he would fill it with only the most beautiful things he could find. Plush sofas, deep wood tables, and perhaps a few ornaments that he could find during travels, like a trip to Fontaine to visit his mom. What he wouldn’t give to once again have a collection of small, useless items for him to admire. 

He threw his hands up in defeat. “Fine, if this hovel feels like an adequate home to you then who am I to judge your tastes? We can’t all have a good understanding of aesthetics, after all. Now then, which way is the bathroom?”

Alhaitham pointed down the hallway and Kaveh rushed off to take a shower. He made a mental note to check the bathroom cabinets while he was there - if Alhaitham was rich enough to buy ugly furniture, then he was rich enough not to notice if Kaveh stole a few toiletries.

*

Alhaitham had run down to the nearest convenience store to buy milk, bread and eggs. If Kaveh was so pressed about there being no food in his fridge then maybe making breakfast would shut him up. Gods, he never shut up.

That was all Alhaitham could think about as he stirred the eggs in the frying pan. From the limited interactions that he had had with the blond, he could tell that he wore his heart on his sleeve and was way too trusting for his own good. Like last night, when he had drunkenly thrown himself into Alhaitham’s arms and babbled about needing a place to stay for the night. Alhaitham was admittedly confused by this request, but opted not to pry and instead set up the couch for Kaveh to sleep on. He had even removed his shoes while he slept and made sure to lock his briefcase away in the linen closet to keep it safe. He’d asked a few guests if anyone knew where Kaveh stayed, or perhaps who his friends were that could come to collect him, but the only answer he received was that Kaveh seemed to only be close to a couple of botany students whom no one had the contact details of. 

If it wasn’t the recklessness of Kaveh’s actions that got on Alhaitham’s nerves then it was the sheer lack of consideration that he had shown. For someone so clearly in touch with his emotions, he didn’t seem to consider how offering up his body would affect Alhaitham’s own feelings. Alhaitham also didn’t miss the relief in Kaveh’s eyes after confirming that they had not slept together. He had no real reason to feel rejected, especially when he was the one who had pulled back when Kaveh had tried to kiss him the night before. Still, he wondered if there would come a time when he would be a real option for Kaveh, rather than just a drunk fling. 

After everyone had left, Alhaitham stopped by the couch on his way to bed. Kaveh was sleeping soundly by then, and with each even breath, a small strand of golden hair shivered against his lips. Before Alhaitham could think about what he was doing, his hand reached out and gently brushed away the hair from his sleeping face.

My poor senior… What am I going to do with you?

A part of him had been hurt that Kaveh didn’t remember him, but it was to be expected. He had barely made any sort of impression during his time at college, preferring to stay quiet and read. But Kaveh was hard to ignore in how brightly he shone. Alhaitham remembered sitting behind him during a shared class one semester, and it was impossible not to be blinded by the drive that man had. He always actively participated in class discussions and was praised constantly by the lecturer for his eye-catching presentations. Despite his friendly demeanour and carefree attitude, Alhaitham found himself intimidated by Kaveh’s brilliance. Being around him was like staring directly at the sun, and Alhaitham feared that he would become lost in Kaveh’s light.

But now, something felt wrong. The colour had been drained from Kaveh’s face and any light that he emitted felt like it came at the expense of his own warmth. Alhaitham had heard about how tough architecture courses could be, but he didn’t expect someone that full of life to be in such a bad state after only a year. He wanted to grab Kaveh by the shoulders and tell him that if something was hurting him he shouldn’t feel obligated to stick through it just for the sake of gaining a qualification. But Alhaitham was not the type to speak out of turn, and Kaveh wasn’t the type to listen to unsolicited advice, so he held his tongue.

Kaveh spent a long time in the shower, so Alhaitham was able to completely finish cooking breakfast, set the table and even lay out some clean clothes by the bathroom door. He took a seat at the kitchen table and cracked open his book, but the words on the page could barely reach his mind through his racing thoughts.

It was a while before Kaveh strode into the kitchen, his damp hair swept over one shoulder as he patted it dry with a hand towel. It took everything Alhaitham had not to stare. Kaveh had always possessed an elegant beauty, but seeing him freshly out of the shower and in clothes that were far from his usual style was truly a sight to behold. He was dressed in a pair of black workout leggings that Alhaitham had neglected to throw out after they shrank in the wash and a blue sweater with a diamond pattern that looked way too big on him. Despite that, the clothes really suited him. He looked like he belonged in them.

“Ah, much better.” Kaveh’s eyes fluttered as he combed his fingers through his hair, the towel now draped around his neck. Red irises flicked between the food on the table and Alhaitham’s face, and Alhaitham could have sworn he could see Kaveh’s mouth salivating at the sight. “You made breakfast?”

Alhaitham gestured to the empty chair opposite him. “You complained about the lack of food, so I thought it was only fair that I make a correction.”

For once, Kaveh seemed to not have a snarky comment ready. His eyes simply softened as he settled into his seat and tentatively lifted a slice of buttered toast from the plate. The sound that escaped his throat once he sunk his teeth in was not one that Alhaitham expected to ever hear from him, especially not in this context. He distracted himself from Kaveh’s blissful noises as he ate by digging into his own plate of food.

Kaveh didn’t speak a word until his plate was polished clean, and Alhaitham briefly wondered what else could possibly shut him up like that. He pushed the thought out of his head as Kaveh finally spoke up.

“Why are you helping me?”

Why? Alhaitham didn’t know. Maybe it was because he felt sorry for him. Or because seeing Kaveh in pain was such an unnatural sight that he had to do something about it.

Maybe he wanted that light in his life to shine as brightly as it once did.

“You’d already made yourself comfortable in my home, so I couldn’t kick you out without offering some kind of hospitality.”

Kaveh didn’t look entirely convinced by that answer. He looked down at himself and smoothed the wrinkles on the oversized sweater. “And what do you expect me to offer up to repay you?”

Nothing. You don’t owe me anything. It’s the least I can do for the classmate who inspired me so much.

Alhaitham placed his fork down. “You can start by washing the dishes while I clean up the living room. Then you’re free to do as you please.” 

*

Once they had sufficiently tidied up, Kaveh asked about his briefcase and Alhaitham retrieved it from the closet. Kaveh looked like a great mass had been lifted from his shoulders as soon as he laid his hands on the briefcase and clutched it tightly to himself. Alhaitham wanted to ask what was so important about that case, but he settled for questioning why Kaveh didn’t carry a backpack instead.

“A backpack!” Kaveh looked horrified at the idea. “Those things will only mess up your spine and make it impossible to sit up and draw. An artist must have good lumbar support in order to continue working, and it’s so much better to carry some kind of shoulder or handbag.”

Alhaitham nodded, though he didn’t fully get what Kaveh was saying. His mind was focused on how close they were standing to each other. From this short distance, he could smell the lavender shampoo that Kaveh had used. It wasn’t a scent that he was unfamiliar with, but coming from Kaveh it felt like something entirely new and exciting.

“I should get going,” Kaveh said after finishing his long explanation. “I wouldn’t want to overstay my welcome and incur more debt.”

He smiled while he said it, like it was a joke, but there was a lingering question in his voice. A question that Alhaitham heard but did not yet have an answer to.

Can I stay?

Alhaitham rubbed the back of his neck. “I should probably have a way to contact you. In case you forgot something here and I need to return it.”

An excuse, and not a particularly clever one. He hoped Kaveh wouldn’t see right through him, but in the seconds of silence that followed Alhaitham felt like he was nothing if not transparent.

After what felt like an eternity, Kaveh held out his hand. “Give me your phone.”

Alhaitham obliged, and Kaveh typed in his contact details before handing it back. 

“Let me know if you plan on throwing any more wild parties,” Kaveh said. “Maybe next time you can feed me before getting me drunk, not the other way round.”

“And afterwards?”

Alhaitham wanted to kick himself for asking such a bold question. He had no intention of getting Kaveh drunk again, but he felt he had to test the waters of what was acceptable. If only being so vulnerable didn’t feel like he was tearing his skin open with each new word.

Kaveh looked like he was genuinely considering his answer. “We’ll see.”

Alhaitham let him out the front door. As soon as the door was shut and the house was once again empty, Alhaitham collapsed onto the couch where Kaveh had slept and screamed into a pillow.

Chapter Text

As soon as Kaveh made it back to the campus library he cracked open his briefcase and checked the contents. His phone, laptop and drawing tablet were still there, along with his dirty clothes and a few soaps, toothpaste and a toothbrush that he had swiped from Alhaitham’s bathroom. He caught himself wondering if the bathroom had just been effectively stocked up for guests, or if the spare toiletries had been left behind by some forgotten lover.

Why do I care? It’s none of my business what he does in his spare time. Probably just goes to a book club or something.

He tried to wipe all traces of Alhaitham from his thoughts as he checked his phone. There were more messages from his mom, but he didn’t think he had the strength to open them yet. His attention shifted to the text Tighnari sent him yesterday afternoon while he was busy with work.

forest father: could you check on collei please? 

forest father: i asked her to water my plants but i have a sneaking suspicion that she hasn’t been keeping up with it

A task! One that could keep his mind away from his troubles and give him a sense of accomplishment in helping a friend.

Me: Sure, no problem <3 

Me: Tbh I have a feeling you’re only going to come back from this trip with more plants to fill your dorm though

forest father: duh

*

Collei wasn’t hard to find. She usually spent her free time outside of class sprawled out on one of the many courtyard lawns, enjoying the sun while she went through her required reading. Kaveh wasn’t exactly an outdoorsy type, but being friends with Collei and Tighnari forced him to actually go outside every once in a while instead of staying cooped up in class designing all day. A few times the pair had dragged Kaveh along on hikes up Sumeru’s mountains, and Kaveh had complained about his sore legs for days afterwards. Tighnari told him to suck it up, and the next time they went hiking Kaveh brought a fold-up chair to rest on after every particularly steep climb.

As soon as Kaveh was close enough, Collei looked up and smiled when she caught sight of him. Kaveh was suddenly struck by the realisation that it had been a while since he had seen someone look genuinely happy to see him. Ever since the start of the year, when he had been evicted from his residence and Tighnari had left on his research trip for his thesis, Kaveh had seen Collei less and less. It wasn’t because he didn’t enjoy her company. He just found it easier to keep his guard up if he was isolated from the only people who cared about him. It was the same reason why he kept his current situation hidden from his mom - if they knew how much he was struggling, it would only bring their moods down and make them think less of him.

But Collei was awfully perceptive, and Kaveh caught her taking note of the clothes that didn’t fit him or match his regular style. He started to think up some half-baked excuse, but her attention shifted back to Kaveh’s face as she placed down her textbook on the freshly-cut grass.

“Kaveh! You’re just in time, I was about to call you. You didn’t happen to get a text from Tighnari, did you?”

“Yeeyup. That’s actually why I’m here.”

Collei groaned. “Oh, I knew it. He’s mad at me, isn’t he?”

Kaveh settled down into a cross-legged position next to her. Luckily the leggings he had borrowed from Alhaitham were black and not that likely to get any grass stains on them. He didn’t think he would be able to handle the shame of returning the clothes in such an awful state. “I wouldn’t say that, exactly. You know how he is. He asked me to check if you’ve still been watering his plants.”

She groaned again, louder this time. “I’m so sorry, it completely slipped my mind! It’s just… I’ve kinda been all over the place lately. Exams are coming up, and it’s harder without Tighnari here to tutor me. Plus, I’ve been trying to keep up with doctor’s appointments so that I don’t get too sick during midterms, and I also told Amber that I would help her out with her extra-curriculars.” She pulled her knees up to her chest and hugged her legs, the tension in her shoulders increasing. “Oh no, I’ve really done it this time, haven’t I…”

“Hey, hey, it’s alright.” Kaveh softly patted her hand. “So you put a lot on your plate and got overwhelmed. That’s not worth beating yourself up over. You’ve been doing your best with what you have and that’s what matters.”

The corners of Collei’s lips twitched into a small smile. “You make it sound so simple when you put it like that. Maybe I’m just being silly… I should probably apologize to Tighnari, right? Although,” she sighed. “I really don’t want to see that look he gives me when I let him down.”

Kaveh nodded. Even though he wasn’t entirely aware of the complete inner workings of Collei and Tighnari’s relationship, he understood the feeling of not wanting to disappoint a mentor figure. Every week, when his academic advisor checked on the progress of his designs, the hairs on the back of his neck stood up straight as he awaited feedback, anticipating rejection. That rejection never came, and everyone in his Darshan continued to be blown away by the work he produced. But despite the constant praise and admiration, Kaveh remained on edge, ready for the day when he would slip up and be torn to shreds by lecturers and peers alike. It was a fate that he wouldn’t wish on anyone, but one that he expected to be his inevitable end.

“How about this,” Kaveh said, feeling the beginnings of an idea taking root. “You focus on everything else you need to do, and I will take over watering the plants. I’ll even clean up a little in case any have withered and dropped dead leaves. It will be like they’re as good as new.”

A relieved gasp erupted from Collei. “Thank you so much! Don’t worry, I’ll make sure that this never happens again! Oh Kaveh, you have no idea how big of a favour you’re doing me right now.”

Likewise , Kaveh thought. Having access to Tighnari’s empty dorm room, with the excuse of needing to take care of a few plants… I’ll finally be able to sleep in a real bed again. Even if it’s only for a while.

“It’s my pleasure,” he assured her. 

Collei dug through her tote bag and pulled out a key with a single mushroom keychain attached. She handed it over, and Kaveh took it gratefully.

“Will you be ok taking care of all of it? He has a really big collection, and not all of it is just pretty flowers. There are some particularly tricky species.”

Kaveh smiled. “Of course, I can handle it. How hard can it be?”

*

The dormitory complex on the west side of campus was a lively place located right next to a lush park, where students flooded the hallways eagerly chatting and exchanging notes. Kaveh weaved between the bodies, making his way through the labyrinthine building.

He had visited the dorms a few times before, but even if he hadn’t, Tighnari’s room would not have been difficult to find. Posted outside were two large pot plants in which some kind of leafy specimen sat quietly wilting. The door itself bore a wreath of dried flowers, though Kaveh wasn’t sure if the flowers had been purposefully dried or if they had once been fresh and were now merely neglected. He made a mental note to check with Collei as he unlocked the door and stepped inside.

Tighnari’s room was tiny, even by campus residence standards. He wasn’t the type to need a lot of space for large furniture, and that showed clearly in how he had chosen to lay out his room. The bed was a single futon, all his clothes were stored in a single chest of drawers instead of a wardrobe, and he didn’t even have a desk. Any books that he had left behind were divided between the chest of drawers, the window sill and the floor.

What took up the most space in the room were the house plants, and there were a lot of them. Kaveh had only a passing knowledge of botany, but even he couldn’t name most of the strange species he saw. He’d have to check the instructions that Collei had written out for him, as well as skim a few of Tighnari’s books to ensure that he could take care of each plant properly.

With a sigh, Kaveh dropped his briefcase onto the futon and got to work. Most of the plants showed clear signs of neglect, and Kaveh had to alternate between pruning, watering and checking the quality of the soil. Luckily, he had no classes that day and was able to address the worst of the damage by the time the afternoon sun spilt through the window. By the time he had finished, he was covered in sweat and dirt and opted to take another shower in Tighnari’s tiny ensuite bathroom.

Two full showers in one day? What a luxury. I could get used to this.

That evening, after taking care of both himself and the plants, Kaveh plopped down onto the futon with a cup of tea in his hand. Tighnari had a kettle in his room, but the only drinks he had stocked up on were herbal and organic teas. There was not a single drink with any kind of caffeine in it. Kaveh didn’t mind too much, but he could feel that there weren’t enough saccharine crystals in his arteries to force his blood to pump. He still had a bunch of designs left to thumbnail for a deadline at the end of the week, and he had no idea how he was going to get through it all.

One thing at a time, he reminded himself. At least now you can comfortably work in private.

Sighing, he cracked open his briefcase and pulled out his laptop and drawing tablet. While he booted up his drawing software, he checked his phone again. The message from his mom was still there, unread.

Kaveh gripped his phone. He knew he couldn’t put off responding forever, and if he continued to ignore her then she would only grow worried. He didn’t want to upset her and her happy new life like that. He had already caused her enough pain as it was.

Quietly scolding himself, he opened up her message and read what it had to say.

Good morning Kaveh <3 I hope you’re not working too hard on your projects. Remember to take breaks and spend time with your friends. Trust me, I made the same mistakes when I was studying too. Companionship is the most important thing to have during difficult times.

When is your term break? It’s been too long since I last saw you, and if you have the time then maybe you should consider coming to Fontaine to visit. I just know that you will adore all the sights here. You can even show me what you’ve been working on if you don’t mind me giving you some critique.

Please get back to me soon شیر نر. I miss our conversations.

The guilt filling Kaveh’s chest was overwhelming. Despite his best efforts to keep his struggles to himself so that his mother wouldn’t have to worry about him, he was still causing trouble for her. Nothing had changed.

He suddenly felt eight years old again, watching quietly from the doorway as his mother stifled her sobs. Both at that age and now, he felt powerless to comfort her. But at least now he didn’t have to see the unguarded look in his mom’s eyes every time she caught sight of his face - the face that looked so much like his father’s.

Kaveh never sent his mom selfies, or even any photographs at all. If he did, he worried that seeing him would undo all of the progress that she had made in her healing over the years. 

He couldn’t go to Fontaine. There was too much work to be done, and too many costs involved in the travelling. It was all too much for either of them to handle.

Kaveh’s thoughts plunged deeper into despair as his fingers worked on their own to type out his reply.

A trip to Fontaine sounds great! I think I may be a bit too busy at the moment, but I will let you know. There’s a decent chance that my advisor will want me working throughout my time off, and I can’t say no to that. There are so many opportunities that may come from me completing this project and I don’t want to waste them

And don’t worry about me, I’ve been keeping well. I just went to a party last night, so I’m definitely keeping a healthy work/life balance!! 

He read the message a few times before he concluded that it was good enough and sent it through. He wasn’t sure of the exact time zone difference between Sumeru and Fontaine, so he didn’t expect an answer immediately. He started to pocket his phone when he felt a quick vibration ring out from it. The sensation sent a jolt through his skin. A response already? I don’t think I’m mentally prepared for that!

But when he opened up his messenger app, he saw that the notification was not from his mom but instead from a number he didn’t recognize. Frowning, he opened up the chat to see who it was.

Hello. This is Alhaitham. I saw that you were online and figured that I should send you a message letting you know that it’s me since you had neglected to add my own phone number to your contacts this morning. Now we both have each other’s contact details.

Kaveh rolled his eyes. Alhaitham typed in the same irritating way that he spoke, and Kaveh could almost hear his voice as he read the message. Nevertheless, he added the number to his contacts and began his reply.

Me: Sorry, I guess I was in a rush to get out of the house this morning and it completely slipped my mind

Me: But were you just waiting around all day to see when I would be online? 

Me: Because that’s some stalker behaviour

Alhaitham: Hardly. I happened to check after my work for the day was done, and you just happened to be online at the same time. It was merely a coincidence.

Me: If you say so

Me: So what do you want? Because I’m sure that I didn’t leave anything behind at your place

Me: Do you need the clothes back? I might need a day or two to wash it first. 

Me: I don’t want to return dirty laundry to you, that just seems rude

Alhaitham: I don’t care. You can keep the leggings, those don’t fit me anyway. But if you insist on returning anything then you can bring back the sweater. I don’t mind either way.

Me: You’re joking, right?

Alhaitham: Why would I be joking?

Me: Idk, I just didn’t think you’d be so generous. Most rich people I’ve met are pretty stingy with their wealth and possessions

Alhaitham: So let me get this straight. I gave you a place to stay for the night, let you take a 45-minute shower, made you breakfast and gave you some clothes to borrow, all free of charge. But somehow I’m not generous

Me: You don’t have to rub it in!! I feel bad enough about everything already

Alhaitham: Why would you feel bad? You didn’t force me to host you. I offered my help to you freely

Me: Yeah, well

Me: The way you phrased it made it feel like you were upset about it

Alhaitham: Would you have preferred if I phrased it differently?

Me: I don’t know!! Just do what you want!

Alhaitham: Alright. Then I would like for you to come over again.

Kaveh sat up straight and reread that last message several times, certain that he was interpreting it wrong.

Me: Is this for another party? Because what I said this morning was mostly just a joke

Me: I don’t make a habit of attending big social gatherings very often, plus I have a lot of work to get through this week

Alhaitham: Then we’ll arrange it for the weekend. You’re free Saturday evening, right? 

Kaveh couldn’t believe his eyes. Was Alhaitham just being nice? Was he asking him out on a date?

Or maybe he just wanted to finish what Kaveh had tried to start when he was drunk. Kaveh felt stupid for believing that he could offer someone sex in exchange for a place to stay, and ended up not having to honour his side of the deal. Nothing in life was free, and he should have expected that Alhaitham would want him to pay up eventually.

Well. These were the consequences of his actions. Kaveh had to face them head-on.

Me: Yeah, I’m free then. What time do you want me there?

Alhaitham: 6 PM. Let me know what kind of food you like, or if you have any allergies that I should be aware of. You know the address.

Kaveh didn’t bother responding. He had sealed his fate, and he didn’t want to spend any more time thinking about it. Tossing his phone aside, he settled into as comfortable a working position as he could on the futon and began to furiously sketch.

*

“This is incredible work, Kaveh!” His advisor flipped through his sketchbook and cross-checked the pages with the more refined digital drawings open on the monitor in front of her. “You really outdid yourself this time.”

Kaveh smiled, the small praise working to revitalise his tired body. Despite finally having a bed to sleep on, he had spent the past few nights stretched out on the futon with his laptop and drawing tablet resting on his torso as he agonised over his linework and perspective. It wasn’t the best posture to draw in, but Kaveh made it work for him. Today, though, he might opt to work in the library instead.

“Thank you, Professor Zaha Hadi,” he said. “I think that maybe I could have been more diverse in the options I came up with while conceptualising though. At some point, all the ideas I had started to feel the same.”

Zaha Hadi turned away from the screen and looked at Kaveh over her glasses. “Tell me, where exactly did the inspiration come from? I’ve seen many students in this Darshan try to incorporate natural elements into their designs, though very few were able to pull it off. But this… You’ve managed to make the structure feel like a part of nature!”

“I guess the inspiration just came to me.” In truth, after spending several days with Tighnari’s houseplants it felt impossible not to incorporate some aspect of flora into his drawings. Before he knew it, the roofs he drew were tapered like leaves and the columns felt like stems.

“I suppose all geniuses say the same things,” Zaha Hadi mused. “When I taught your mother, she said something similar when I questioned her work. You truly have inherited her talent, and I know that you will go on to do great things just as she did.”

The comparison to his mom stung, especially considering their last text exchange. The morning after, Kaveh had woken up from a brief nap to find a message from his mom detailing her excitement at the possibility of him coming to visit her. While he had made no promises, he couldn’t help but feel like he was lying to her. He had no intention of making the trip to Fontaine and seeing her wholeheartedly believe that he would felt cruel.

“Thank you, Professor,” Kaveh said again. “I will be sure to live up to those expectations.”

“Oh, I’m sure you will. You have always done good work, and you will continue to do so until graduation and beyond. The light of our Darshan must keep on shining.”

Her words were kind and encouraging, but in them, Kaveh only heard one warning - don’t disappoint us.

Those words rang in his head all day until he eventually made it back to Tighnari’s dorm. While he fumbled through his pockets for the key, a voice addressed him and broke through his anxious thoughts.

“Do you know Tighnari?”

Kaveh whipped around. Standing beside him, with his arms folded across his chest, was someone he had never seen before. Despite his commanding voice and intense stare, the man was short and strangely dressed. He had long white hair that was mostly pulled back, though a few strands covered parts of his face. 

Shit, is this guy on campus patrol or something? Is he going to get me in trouble for sleeping in Tighnari’s room without permission?

“Um… Yes, I’ve known Tighnari for a while, actually.” Kaveh tried to keep his voice calm. “He asked Collei to water his plants, and I’m taking over for her. She had a lot to deal with, you see.”

The cold gaze coming from the man sent sparks of electricity down Kaveh’s spine. He was telling the truth, so why did this guy make him feel like a criminal?

“I know Collei,” the short guy finally responded. “She’s been over here a few times before and we’ve chatted. But I’ve never seen you around. Who are you?”

“I’m Kaveh. Tighnari and I have been friends since we met in ecology class two years ago.”

At that, the man’s shoulders relaxed and his gaze softened. Only slightly, though. “Oh, so you’re Kaveh. Tighnari’s mentioned you before. You’re an art student, right?”

“Close. Architecture, actually. More work, more stress, and probably less money. Tighnari talks about me?”

“Only when he’s complaining.” A few awful seconds of silence passed before the man continued. “That was a joke, but I see now that it was in poor taste. I’m Cyno, by the way. I live in the dorm next to Tighnari’s. Which is what I wanted to ask you about, since I’ve been hearing more noise come from there at all hours of the day, even late at night.”

Kaveh stiffened. Had he known how thin the walls were, he would have tried to be quieter while staying in the room. Especially during his more… private activities. Oh gods, how much did Cyno hear?

“I-” Kaveh cleared his throat, while his brain rapidly searched for a reasonable excuse. “I apologise. You see, Collei had forgotten to tend to the plants for quite some time, and a lot of them require special care and constant attention. So I’ve been dropping in more often than would be necessary so that I could nurse them back to health. Collei feels terrible about letting it get to this point. So please, for her sake, could you not tell Tighnari about this? I don’t think she can handle the disappointment.”

Cyno’s face was hard to read, though not in the same way that Alhaitham’s was. With Alhaitham, Kaveh felt like some disgusting creature that Alhaitham cared not to look at anymore. Whereas Cyno’s expression betrayed no such bias, and it was impossible to predict what his next words would be.

Eventually, Cyno spoke. “Alright, but I make no such promises. I won’t bring it up, but if Tighnari asks then I will have no choice but to tell him.”

Kaveh exhaled. “Thank you so much. You’re doing me- Uh… I mean Collei, a huge favour.”

Cyno nodded, his eyes still fixed on Kaveh like he was examining him for any more mistakes. It was impossible not to feel completely exposed with those eyes on him. Just who was this guy?

Cyno stepped forward, his stare never leaving Kaveh’s face. “Would you like to play a card game with me?”

Kaveh blinked. Huh?

*

They sat on the floor of Cyno’s room, a pair of game mats and card decks placed in front of them. Although Cyno had spent half an hour explaining the rules of the game in great detail, Kaveh was yet to win a single match. 

“Hey, there’s no way that’s allowed! You can’t just destroy my card like that!”

“Yes, I can actually. It says so right here on the card description.”

“But that’s hardly fair! What am I supposed to do to counter that attack now?”

“Read what your cards do. Then you can figure out a strategy that works.”

“Ugh! You sound a lot like someone else I know.”

Cyno picked his cards up off the field and started shuffling his deck. “Who?”

Kaveh waved his hand dismissively. “Forget about it, it’s nothing. Just this guy Alhaitham who has been getting on my nerves a lot lately.”

“Alhaitham?” Cyno cocked his head to the side. “I know that guy. He’s in my philosophy class.”

“My condolences. I can only imagine just how insufferable he must be in a class like that, where arguing is encouraged.”

Cyno looked like he was seriously considering his answer. “Not really. He used to be very quiet. Just sat in the back reading and occasionally took notes. But, I don’t know what it was. Sometime last year he completely changed.”

This got Kaveh’s attention. “Changed?”

“Yeah, he started speaking up in class. Even when the professor didn’t call on anyone to offer their thoughts, he would raise his hand and bring up excellent points that even had the professor stumped sometimes.”

Kaveh huffed. “Yeah, that sounds more like him. I’m sure he takes great pleasure in proving the entire room wrong.”

“I don’t think so,” Cyno said. “Around that time, I heard that he’d signed up for a special archaeology course that was pretty difficult to get into. I guess the professor teaching the class was really good, and everyone from various Darshans and years of study wanted to learn from her. Someone who would go to such lengths to learn from one of Sumeru’s best doesn’t strike me as a person who enjoys belittling others over a lack of knowledge.”

Kaveh considered Cyno’s words. Two things stood out to him. One was that Cyno may be right, and maybe Alhaitham wasn’t as stuck up as Kaveh thought he was. Although he would have to see real proof of that before he could believe it.

And the other thing was that Kaveh had also attended a highly coveted archaeology course the year before. What were the odds that they had both been in the same class without realising it?

“This course…” Kaveh began. “Was it the one taught by Madam Faruzan, by any chance?”

Cyno shrugged. “Beats me. It’s not my field of expertise.”

“And what are you studying then?”

“Law.”

Ah. That made total sense, though looking at Cyno one would never guess. Even just sitting in his room, Kaveh got a feel of Cyno’s personality that wasn’t typical of your average law student. Aside from the large collection of trading cards, his shelves were lined with figurines of characters that Kaveh didn’t recognize, all of whom had intricate designs and overly complex hairstyles. A tall bookshelf boasted a large collection of manga and light novel series, all of which were in pristine condition. There was an Inazuman word for people like Cyno, but Kaveh couldn’t quite remember what it was. Otaku, was it?

“What made you decide to study law?” Kaveh questioned.

Cyno just shrugged again. “It just made sense. Pays well, and there’s a high demand for it.”

“Huh.” Kaveh tilted his head. “Not the answer that I expected. You strike me as someone with a strong sense of morals, so I thought that maybe it was that which led you down this path.”

“I never said it wasn’t. It certainly was a factor, but there were many reasons why I chose this path. What about you? Why did you choose to become an architect?”

Kaveh rubbed the back of his head, absentmindedly fiddling with the pieces of hair that had escaped from their clips. “It’s what my mom studied.”

Cyno didn’t look impressed. “That’s it?”

“Well, no, of course not! I just -” Kaveh fumbled for an explanation. “As you said, it just made sense. It’s what my mom taught me to do, and it’s the only thing that I have ever been good at. Of course, I was going to follow in her footsteps.”

Cyno grunted. “If that’s what you believe, I won’t argue with you. But it seems to me that you never even considered your other options.”

What other options? Kaveh wanted to scream. I’m broke. I’m homeless. My only family lives in an entirely different nation. The only thing I know how to do is make art. There are no other options for me.

Kaveh gathered himself and stood up. “I appreciate the concern, but I’m perfectly content with my chosen field. All I want to do is make art. I don’t need anything more.”

Cyno got to his feet too. “I can respect that.” He held out his hand. In it was the deck of cards that Kaveh had been using to play against him. “Could you hold onto this? I would like for us to continue playing the next time we see each other.”

Kaveh’s hands were frozen in place. Those cards looked expensive, and he didn’t want to be responsible in case anything happened to them. If they ended up lost or damaged, he would never be able to pay Cyno back.

When Kaveh still didn’t take them, Cyno held out his hand further. “Take it, and read the card descriptions. That way you will be more familiar with the deck when we play again. I think you would also appreciate the artistry of the card designs.”

Hesitantly, Kaveh took the deck from him. “Thank you,” he managed to say. “I’ll do as you say.”

The little smile that appeared on Cyno’s face carried a sense of childlike wonder. The passion that he had for this card game was unlike anything that Kaveh had seen before, even from fellow artists. Maybe he could learn a thing or two about passion from Cyno the law student.

As soon as Kaveh was back in Tighnari’s room, he buried the deck of cards under the rest of his possessions and locked the briefcase shut.

Chapter Text

Alhaitham sat on the couch, his leg bouncing nervously as he stared straight ahead. The food he had prepared was sitting in the air fryer, ready to be dished out at any moment. He had already set out a pair of plates and glasses and ensured every inch of the house was clean. All that was missing now was his guest.

Kaveh was late, and Alhaitham couldn’t say he was surprised. That man didn’t seem like he ever showed up on time to anything, not even his classes. Alhaitham thought back to that archaeology class, where Kaveh would often strut in late and hungover. But despite his pathetic state, he still answered questions correctly and scored high on assessments. Where he got that confidence and skill, Alhaitham had no idea. Some people were just naturally gifted.

Alhaitham wasn’t like that. He wasn’t a particularly impressive student, but he did everything that was expected of him. He turned in his assignments on time and achieved adequate results that kept him just above the grade average. Because that was all that he was - an average person. Nothing like the shining light that was Kaveh.

In a desperate attempt to keep his mind off the blond, Alhaitham scrolled through his phone, trying not to let his eyes flick up to the corner of the screen to check the time. What if Kaveh doesn’t show up? He hadn’t responded to Alhaitham’s last message, so he might have forgotten about their date. Because that was what it was; and Alhaitham was sure that he had been very clear in his intentions that this would be a date. And to his surprise and relief, Kaveh had agreed to come over. 

The clap of thunder interrupted his thoughts. It was raining, and Alhaitham had no idea how Kaveh had planned to make the trip. Perhaps he would take a cab, or ask a friend to drop him off. Did Kaveh have a car? Could he even drive? 

Right when Alhaitham felt like he couldn’t stand one more thought, he heard a restrained knock at the door. He jumped up off the couch and started to rush for the door, but stopped himself mid-run. What am I doing? If he sees how excited I am, he might be scared off.

After waiting for what felt like an appropriate amount of time, and definitely not with the desperate haste of someone who had been anxiously waiting for the past hour, Alhaitham opened the door.

“You’re late -” Alhaitham started to say, but the words died in his throat when he took in the sight in front of him.

Kaveh was drenched, showing no signs of having brought an umbrella. He had on a jacket that was not thick enough to keep out the rain, and all of his clothes had soaked right through. Blond hair was plastered to his face and there was a hint of what was left of his eye makeup. He looked like a hopeless, drowned kitten. The sight made Alhaitham want to wrap him up in a bundle of blankets and keep him safe and warm.

“Did you walk here?” The question escaped his lips before he could think about how stupid it was. What does it look like, you idiot?

Kaveh shivered, hugging his arms uselessly. Alhaitham couldn’t help but observe that this was the first time that he had seen Kaveh without his briefcase.

“I, uh…” Kaveh averted his eyes, and a few drops of rain rolled down his cheeks and nose. “Yeah, I walked. Sorry for being late.”

Alhaitham gripped the door handle and stepped aside, opening the door wider. “Well, don’t just stand there. Get inside.”

Kaveh looked like he wanted to argue, but even he couldn’t refuse the offer. Shaking, he crossed the threshold of the house, dripping pools of water onto the hardwood floors as he entered. He winced at the sound of the squelching under his feet.

“Sorry,” he said again. Always apologising. “I’ll clean it up once I… When I’m less messy.”

“Don’t be thick.” Alhaitham shut the door and pushed past him. “Go wash up, and leave your clothes in the laundry basket. I’ll get you something dry to wear.”

He didn’t wait around to see Kaveh’s reaction, nor to hear any rebuttal he might add. He simply headed to his room and dug through his drawers for something that would fit, and he didn’t stop until he heard the sound of water coming from the bathroom. At least Kaveh listened to him instead of continuing to be stubborn.

Alhaitham didn’t understand how someone so obviously in need of help could be so full of pride. He didn’t consider himself a particularly caring person, but he found himself worrying excessively about Kaveh’s well-being. He still remembered how Kaveh had clung to him at that party, letting out soft pleas that Alhaitham couldn’t quite make out. He only knew that Kaveh had asked for a place to sleep for the night, and Alhaitham was more than willing to provide. But it still left a lot of unanswered questions that he didn’t know how to bring up. Kaveh didn’t seem to remember any of what he had said, and bringing it up would feel like a violation of trust - like the vulnerability that Kaveh had expressed while drunk was something to be left in that moment, and should not be discussed while sober. It made so little sense, and the contradiction between Kaveh’s sober and intoxicated personalities made Alhaitham’s head spin.

He’s infuriating, Alhaitham thought. Why couldn’t Kaveh care for himself as Alhaitham cared for him?

There were answers that Alhaitham speculated on, but nothing that he could be sure of. He was no stranger to mental health issues and had been on anti-anxiety medication for most of his life. Alhaitham didn’t usually feel like a fully functioning human, but he knew how to get help for that; Kaveh, on the other hand, radiated the fiery aura of someone burning up too quickly for his body and mind to keep up with. If he wasn’t medicated, he certainly needed to be.

Just like before, Alhaitham left a set of clean clothes outside the bathroom door and waited in the lounge. The running water stopped; the bathroom door opened, paused for a beat, and quickly shut again; a few minutes passed with only a few shuffled movements bouncing off the bathroom tiles until finally the door opened once again and Kaveh stepped out in a green hoodie and a pair of black sweatpants.

Alhaitham stood as soon as he entered the lounge, gesturing to the couch and the pile of blankets resting on the armrest. “Sit. Get warm. I’ll go grab dinner.”

Kaveh avoided eye contact as he did what he was told, plopping down and settling under two fluffy blankets. He stared down at his hands, and Alhaitham took note of how small Kaveh’s hands were. For someone who seemed to carry the weight of the world on his back, he had such thin wrists and such delicate shoulders. 

In the kitchen, Alhaitham waited impatiently for the food to reheat. He busied himself with brewing a cup of decaf for both of them, bringing it over and placing it down on the coffee table. 

“You like sugar and milk, right?”

Kaveh nodded, still uncharacteristically quiet. It felt wrong.

Alhaitham tried to fill the silence. “You never answered my questions about what food you wanted, so don’t expect anything fancy. I kept it simple because I didn’t know your tastes, or if you had any sensory issues.”

Kaveh kept his eyes down and muttered a quiet appreciation. Despite the comfortable clothes and soft covers he was under, his posture was stiff and Alhaitham couldn’t find a reason why. Was he still cold? Did he feel unsafe? The man really was a walking contradiction.

The air fryer timer dinged, and Alhaitham went to dish up the chicken nuggets and sweet potato chips that he had prepared. He handed Kaveh his plate and sat down on the opposite end of the couch from him. The tense silence was interrupted only by the sounds of cutlery and chewing.

When Alhaitham couldn’t stand it anymore, he said, “Are you just not going to speak for the rest of the evening?”

Kaveh paused in his sip of coffee. “I thought you wouldn’t want me to talk.”

“I don’t care.” I do. “What do you want?”

“I…” He drained his mug and inspected the dregs at the bottom. “I need something stronger to drink.”

So he’s not willing to talk to me sober. Is my company that unbearable?

Alhaitham sighed and put down his now empty plate. “Eat first. Then I’ll get you something.”

Kaveh didn’t need to be told twice. He ate the rest of his food and Alhaitham carried the dirty dishes back to the kitchen, where he swiped the first bottle of gin he could find. He brought the booze and two glasses to the lounge and poured out a drink for each of them. Kaveh took a sip and visibly relaxed as he swallowed. Alhaitham watched him, his own drink mostly untouched in his hands.

“It’s so unfair that it rained,” Kaveh complained to the room, rather than to the man sitting next to him. “I even got all dressed up for today, and now that’s ruined.”

Alhaitham hadn’t had time to fully take in the outfit Kaveh had arrived him, as his first instinct upon seeing him had been to get him dry and warmed up. But he thought back to the thin white shirt and the single braid that had been pinned up with red clips that matched his eye shadow. He had made himself pretty for their evening together. For Alhaitham.

“There’s always next time,” Alhaitham assured. “What’s important is that you’re inside now. You don’t feel sick, do you? If you walked all the way from campus then I wouldn’t be surprised if you did.”

“No, I’m fine.” Kaveh downed his glass and poured himself another. “Never felt better.”

Well, that’s a lie.

“‘Never felt better’ is reserved for those not trying to drown themselves in alcohol,” was all Alhaitham could manage to say.

“I’m not drowning. The substances just make everything more bearable.”

“That… Sounds like an addiction, Kaveh.”

He groaned. “What do you know? You don’t know anything about me or my life. How I choose to cope has nothing to do with you.”

But I want to know you. Alhaitham wanted to say it, but the words were stuck on his lips. Talking to Kaveh was like trying to speak through a mouth full of marmalade. Nothing came out right, and while all he could taste was sweetness, the true nature of his words was lost in the garbled mess that left him.

“Then tell me,” he settled on. “Tell me what is so unbearable.”

Kaveh took a swig. “You wouldn’t get it.”

“Oh, so I’m not good enough to understand?” He didn’t know why he felt so flustered, but all he could do to cope was keep pushing. “I’m so sorry Mr Light of Kshahrewar, we can’t all be geniuses who breeze through life with a bottle in hand.” 

“Ugh, just stop it! You don’t need to pretend that you care what I do. If all you want is the satisfaction of seeing me fail, then congratulations!” Kaveh held up his glass in a mocking toast. “This is my rock bottom. You can tell everyone all about it. I don’t even care anymore.”

Alhaitham pinched the bridge of his nose. “I guess ‘genius’ wasn’t appropriate. Are you so dense that you can’t notice when someone is trying to help you? Or are you just too stubborn to accept any?”

“I don’t need anyone’s help. I can’t. I’m already indebted to you from last time, and tonight…” Kaveh stopped himself and sighed, leaning back. “The clothes, the food, the shower - all of it I have to pay back. Otherwise, I would keep relying on you.”

“And what’s so wrong with that?” Alhaitham placed his drink down and leaned forward. “I chose to help you. Any payment I might receive in return is the least of my concerns.”

“That’s what they all say,” Kaveh muttered. “You’re into philosophy, aren’t you? You should know that there’s no such thing as a free ride.”

Alhaitham almost wanted to laugh. This man had pleaded with him, snapped at him, guilt-tripped him, and now he wanted to discuss philosophy?  

“Ethics aren’t my speciality,” Alhaitham admitted. “I dabble in logic and rhetoric, so unless you want me to break down exactly what I think your hamartia is, I can’t offer much to that argument. But.” He paused as he considered how to phrase his thoughts. “Semiotics dictate that everything has some kind of meaning. You should consider the subtext of the words and actions you experience more carefully.”

He prayed that Kaveh wouldn’t notice how flustered he felt. You should consider the subtext of the words and actions you experience more carefully? That was basically a confession! He was urging Kaveh to read between the lines and to notice the painfully obvious subtext that Alhaitham left whenever he offered support, and Kaveh would have to be a fool not to notice.

Unfortunately, Kaveh was both tipsy and a fool. He rolled his eyes at Alhaitham’s heartfelt confession. “Yeah, you’re real logical and nothing else matters outside of that. What are you even studying for? Do you just like filling your head with useless facts that you can use to win arguments?”

Ignoring the pang in his chest at the rejection, Alhaitham straightened in his seat. “If that was my goal, we wouldn’t still be having this conversation.”

“Then why are we having this conversation?” Kaveh gushed, his frustration clear in his voice. “Why am I even still here?”

“Here”? What does he mean by that? Here in my house or here as in still studying at this institution? Or perhaps he’s asking an even bigger question, like why he’s alive. Ugh, if he only thought a little before he spoke then I wouldn’t need to decipher his intentions so much.

“You’re here because I invited you, and you’re welcome to stay for as long as you would like.” Alhaitham looked Kaveh directly in the eyes as he spoke. “And I mean it. You shouldn’t have to walk back in the rain tonight either.”

“How considerate.” Kaveh knocked back the last of the liquid in his glass. For a moment Alhaitham thought he was going to pour another, and was about to stop him, but Kaveh just set his glass down on the coffee table and left it there. He twisted in his seat to face Alhaitham. “Well, I have time. Shouldn’t let it go to waste.”

And before Alhaitham could think of a reply, Kaveh leaned forward and kissed him.

The shock of what was happening flooded Alhaitham’s entire body. He froze, unsure of what to do with himself. Surely Kaveh hadn’t had that much to drink, so this couldn’t be just another drunken hookup plan, right? This had to be real. Kaveh was kissing him because he wanted to.

Despite various signs pointing in the total opposite direction, Alhaitham latched onto that conclusion. It was his one small, selfish act. He allowed himself to believe that he was wanted.

Racing thoughts now suppressed by the weight of Kaveh in his lap, Alhaitham closed his eyes and slowly kissed back. He still felt stiff, and he didn’t quite know what to do with his hands, but the push of Kaveh’s torso against his own prompted his fingers to find purchase on Kaveh’s narrow waist. He didn’t know if he was doing it right, he hoped he was doing it right, gods what if I’m not doing it right?

A grunt escaped his throat, a small vocalisation to quiet his mind. He focused on the feeling of the mouth on his. Kaveh’s lips were even softer than they looked, something that didn’t seem possible. It was completely contrasted against the roughness of his calloused hands, which were restless in their movements. They ran over Alhaitham’s hair, his jaw, his shoulders, his chest. Kaveh caressed the body beneath him with a desperation that was impossible to keep up with, but he kept the pace of the kiss slow and deliberate. Alhaitham could taste the faintest hint of juniper and ethanol, but he opted to ignore it. Details like that were unnecessary when they were so intertwined.

He lost himself in the hypnotic rhythm of Kaveh’s kiss until he felt a hand trail down his abdomen and settle just below his belly button. The hand tugged at the waistband of Alhaitham’s pants, and the jerky motion snapped him out of his trance. He broke away and tried to settle his breathing into something more controlled as he said, more forcefully than he intended, “What are you doing?”

Kaveh blinked a few times, his hand now frozen in its grip on the fabric of Alhaitham’s sweatpants. His cheeks were flushed, and his crimson eyes were wide and questioning. 

“This is what you wanted, right?” Kaveh said, tilting his head to the side “For me to pay you back like this?”

Pay?

Me?

Back.

It took Alhaitham a few moments to process what he just heard. He stared straight at his partner’s face. “What the fuck did you just say?”

“I…” Kaveh released his hold on Alhaitham and shrank back. It didn’t do much to counter how close they still were, as his legs still straddled Alhaitham’s thigh. “I thought this was what you wanted from me. Isn’t that the reason you invited me over?”

Somehow, this was even worse than if Kaveh had wanted a drunken hookup. Alhaitham felt his stomach sink and drop straight through the floor. It was so, so much worse .

“Do you think,” Alhaitham spoke slowly in a miserable attempt to keep his voice even, “so little of me that you assumed I would offer you help only so that I could get sexual favours in return? Just what do you take me for?”

The panic on Kaveh’s face was unmistakable. His eyes darted around, trying to find anywhere to look that wasn’t the green and red irises fixed on him. He disentangled himself from Alhaitham, fumbling for stability as he fell backwards onto the couch cushions.

“I thought…” As he searched for an explanation he clutched a throw pillow to his chest. “I thought that I couldn’t keep taking advantage of your kindness.”

“Taking advantage? For fuck’s sake Kaveh, are you even listening to yourself? You’re not -” 

Alhaitham had to stop himself. He wanted to tell Kaveh that he wasn’t taking advantage of anything, but now he wasn’t so sure. Alhaitham felt used. Kaveh had used him to settle whatever sense of guilt he had fabricated in his mind. He didn’t want to kiss Alhaitham, nor did he really even care. He only wanted to be free from debt so that he could cut all ties.

“I need a minute.” Alhaitham got to his feet and grabbed his keys. He tried to ignore Kaveh’s questioning looks. “Don’t bother waiting for me.”

“You’re leaving? Now? What am I supposed to do then?”

Alhaitham gripped the handle of the front door. The cool press of metal did little to soothe the burning of his flesh.

“Do what you want. That’s all you do anyway.”

You don’t care. You don’t care what I want, or how your actions would make me feel. You don’t care about me the way I do about you.

Outside, it was still raining. Alhaitham stood on the porch, not even sure of what his plan was. He just needed fresh air. He needed to step away before he said something he would regret.

Flipping up his hood, he stepped out into the rain and headed down the street. He wasn’t going anywhere, only being sure to put as much distance between him and that godforsaken couch as possible. Anytime he passed through his lounge from now on, he would be painfully reminded of the place where he had his heart broken.

Alhaitham wasn’t an expert in the field of dating. He had a few girlfriends over the years, but those were all short experiences that ended with what he could only describe as mutual disinterest. The women he had dated seemed to grow tired of him quickly, and he couldn’t say that he had felt that much for them in the first place. Seeking a relationship had never been one of his priorities, but it seemed like something he was supposed to do. That’s what all his peers were doing - finding love, staying together, and going through messy breakups. Alhaitham wasn’t particularly interested in any of the women who had confessed to him, but he agreed to date them because that was what well-adjusted people did. He had to try to prove that he was one of them.

But Kaveh… Ever since Alhaitham first laid eyes on him in their archaeology class, he was struck by just how beautiful Kaveh was. He never expected to describe a man as beautiful, but that was the only word that fit. Sitting directly behind him for an entire semester meant that Alhaitham was able to notice so many little things about him - from his golden hair that he styled differently every day with various accessories, to the way he chewed on the back of his pencil while taking notes. Sometimes, if Alhaitham was lucky, he could catch glimpses of Kaveh’s sketchbook while he doodled in class. Most pages were filled with observational drawings and perspective studies, but some contained portraits. Kaveh drew the lecturers and any classmates that he could see, all with an artistic eye that Alhaitham could only dream of understanding.

What if, he had wondered one day, I sat in front of him instead? Would he draw me?

The growing feelings he had for the upperclassman to whom he never even spoke took Alhaitham by surprise. He didn’t know if he was attracted to men, but frankly, he also didn’t know if he was into women either. It wasn’t something that he had given much thought to. Even now, with how smitten he was with Kaveh, he didn’t know how he would label himself. He didn’t know if Kaveh was gay until that kiss happened, but even that he couldn’t be sure of. Maybe Kaveh was straight, and only slept with men he felt sorry for.

Don’t be ridiculous , Alhaitham told himself. There’s no reason to believe that.

But the patterns of Kaveh’s behaviour were reason enough. Alhaitham could imagine Kaveh going out, getting drunk and throwing himself at the first person he laid eyes on. The thought made Alhaitham sick. He wasn’t special, nor were his feelings reciprocated. He was just in the room when Kaveh happened to be in the mood.

He felt like an idiot for believing that the kiss was genuine. Next time he wouldn’t be so gullible.

After spending enough time out to both calm down and get thoroughly drenched by the rain, Alhaitham headed back home. He paused at the door, unsure of if he was ready to face Kaveh yet. Was he even still there, or would he have gone home by now? Alhaitham shook off any remaining feelings he had and went inside.

Kaveh was asleep on the couch, and the bottle he had been drinking from all evening sat on the coffee table, now empty. And seeing him lying there so peacefully, Alhaitham realised that he couldn’t get rid of the feelings he had. He was too far gone and Kaveh was too… Ugh, he was everything .

Alhaitham headed straight for his room, where he stripped off his rain-soaked clothes and dried off. The relief of slipping into something warm and comfortable made him consider how Kaveh must have felt when he had done the same after being out in the rain for even longer. Had he really walked all the way just because he thought he was Alhaitham’s booty call? How far had that trek been? Where did he even live?

These were all questions that would have to wait for another time. Alhaitham went back to the lounge to turn off all the lights and make sure that Kaveh had a proper pillow to sleep on. He remembered the rant that Kaveh had gone on about how important it was for artists to keep their spines comfortable, so surely that must have applied to how he slept as well. Was sleeping on the couch even good for him? If Alhaitham knew where Kaveh lived, he could call a cab and take him home if that meant he’d be more comfortable. Someone as excessive as him probably had a special mattress for extra support.

Alhaitham reached to brush Kaveh’s hair back but stopped himself before he could make contact. No. He couldn’t do that. It would only hurt more.

When Alhaitham collapsed into bed, his dreams were filled with warm sunshine on his skin and the taste of juniper on his lips.

*

Kaveh woke up to the pounding of his head and the front door. The soft light that diffused through the windows indicated that it was still early in the morning, so who was disturbing him at this time?

“Mom,” he groaned in his pillow, “can you get the door? Someone’s there…”

As footsteps on hardwood drew closer, Kaveh suddenly remembered where he was. For a moment there, bundled under the warm blankets with a soft cushion tucked beneath him, he felt like he was back living in his family home. It had been two years since he had even set foot in that place, so why would he think that now of all times?

“Did you say something?” Alhaitham stepped into the lounge, eyes flicking between Kaveh and the door. He looked like he had just woken up, with tousled hair, a faded T-shirt and grey sweatpants. It was unfair how good he still looked, even after having just rolled out of bed.

Kaveh struggled to sit up. He started to say something, but a shrill voice from the other side of the door cut through his attempt.

“Alhaitham? I know you’re in there. Open up!”

Maybe it was his foggy mind playing tricks on him, but Kaveh could have sworn he saw Alhaitham roll his eyes. Huh. So it’s not just me that he hates.

Alhaitham strode over and opened the door. A woman carrying a clipboard let herself inside, glancing around the house and scribbling notes. She barely acknowledged Alhaitham, but once her gaze landed on Kaveh, still settled on the couch, her focus shifted. In a heartbeat she was looming over him, clicking her pen eagerly as she stared him down.

“Oh, what do we have here?” she mused. “Is this a squatter?”

Kaveh opened his mouth, but no sound came out. He glanced at Alhaitham, who watched them both with a dead expression as he shut the front door.

“Alhaitham,” the woman continued, turning her attention to him. “Need I remind you that the lease clearly states that guests may not stay for consecutive thirty-six hours at a time without prior notice. I sure hope you weren’t violating that agreement?”

Her voice was bubbly and she had a cheerful smile plastered on her face, but there was a malice lying beneath what she said. Alhaitham clearly knew this, and while Kaveh was still trying to process her words, he crossed his arms and faced her.

“Ignoring the fact that you barged in without prior warning, no, I’ve done nothing that goes against the lease. My guest here has been on the property for barely twelve hours, which surely isn’t any cause for concern.”

“Hmmmm, I wouldn’t say concern.” She took a few moments to write something down. Kaveh tried to see what was written on the page, but she had the clipboard deliberately angled away from him. “But I do reserve the right to conduct a surprise inspection and follow up on any…” She waved her pen as she searched for the right word. “ Anomalies I may find.”

Alhaitham’s cold stare didn’t waver. “It’s hardly a surprise inspection when you show up for one almost every week.”

“I’m sorry,” Kaveh interrupted as he stood up, “but could someone please explain to me what is going on?”

Two pairs of eyes fixed themselves on him. Alhaitham was the first to speak.

“Kaveh,” he cleared his throat. “This is my landlord, Ms Sangemah Bay.”

“Call me Dori,” she added. She looked Kaveh up and down, glanced at the blankets on the couch and the empty gin bottle on the table, and then turned back to him. “And just who are you and what business do you have here?”

Before Kaveh could introduce himself, Alhaitham stepped in. “He’s my… A classmate. I invited him over for the evening but insisted that he stay here instead of going home while drunk. It seemed like the most sensible thing to do.”

Kaveh tried not to stare at him. His memories of the previous night were fuzzy, but he still remembered everything that happened right before Alhaitham had stormed out. There was no way he could forget the look on Alhaitham’s face after he broke away from their kiss. Was it disgust? Disappointment? Even if his face was hard to read, his words and tone were unmistakable. He was angry at Kaveh for kissing him. Telling his landlord that Kaveh was just a classmate who got a little too tipsy during a casual hangout was probably the best option for sparing them both the embarrassment of what had really happened.

“So, what you’re saying,” Dori eyed Alhaitham, “is that you take full responsibility for any damages your classmate has incurred?”

Damages? I didn’t break anything, did I?

Alhaitham took a deep, solid breath before speaking. “Yes. I take responsibility.”

“Wonderful!” Dori jotted something down. “I noticed some water damage on the floorboards, so obviously one of you was careless with a spill. Ah, the details don’t matter, because the money spent to fix it will still be the same. Should I add the cost of the damage to this month’s rent, or would you prefer if I deducted it from your deposit?”

Alhaitham pressed his mouth into a harsh, straight line. “Just add it to the rent.”

“As you wish! Now then, may I see the rest of the house?”

Alhaitham led Dori through each room, and she managed to find fault with something in every single one. Kaveh tagged along awkwardly, lingering in the doorways while Dori berated Alhaitham with questions about how he lived. She was ruthless, but Alhaitham answered with a practised patience that made Kaveh think that he had dealt with this several times before. He thought back to how Alhaitham had previously described his landlord’s stingy practices, and it was impossible to deny that he was right. Kaveh had lived under scummy landlords before, but he had never had one that was so obviously money hungry. How could Alhaitham even afford all of this, especially if these “inspections” were a regular occurrence? What even was the price of his rent?

When Dori inspected the bathroom, she stopped to linger in the shower. Kaveh’s stomach dropped. Even from where he stood at the threshold, he could see what had gotten her attention. Stray strands of blond hair stuck to the tiled walls, and even more had collected by the drain. In his exhaustion from the long walk and frustration at having to rely on Alhaitham’s kindness again, Kaveh had forgotten to check that he left the bathroom in the same state that he found it, as if he wasn’t ever there. And now that he had failed to clean up after himself, Alhaitham was going to have to pay for his mistakes once again.

“Hmmm.” Dori glanced at Kaveh, then at Alhaitham. “I assume that your guest made himself at home?”

Kaveh’s face grew hot. He hated the way she referred to him. She said “guest” as if what she meant to say was “parasite.”

“That’s correct.” Alhaitham looked a lot more irritated by now. “There’s nothing in the lease agreement that states that only the tenant is allowed to use the bathroom. That wouldn’t be very practical now, would it?”

“Hmm, I suppose that’s technically true.” Dori clicked her pen a few times. “But it’s not what I’m concerned with. I would like to know if this lifestyle of yours will lead to any more unregulated visitors stopping by and causing damage to my property.”

Kaveh couldn’t believe his ears. Was she being serious? He turned towards Alhaitham to see his reaction, but his face betrayed nothing. Only the tightening grip he had on his folded arms gave away his true feelings.

“My lifestyle,” Alhaitham said the words slowly and deliberately as if to throw them back in Dori’s face, “has nothing to do with you. I will pay for any physical damages, but who I choose to invite over should not be a concern of yours.”

“Oh, no need to look so bent out of shape!” Dori laughed. “If you choose to live this way, then who am I to stop you? If I were you, I would just be more careful about the types of people you let into your private space. You wouldn’t believe the kind of unkempt -”

“Excuse me,” Kaveh spoke up, louder than he expected. “If you intend to bad mouth me, I’d appreciate it if you saved that for when I’m not standing right here. Also,” he turned to Alhaitham, “how could you just let all of that slide? What she’s doing is completely unfair! You shouldn’t have to pay so much out of your pocket for everything your landlord decides to nitpick.”

“Hmm, finally growing a spine I see.” Dori clicked her tongue. “Kaveh, was it? Tell me, if you think it’s so unfair that Alhaitham has taken full responsibility for the space you’ve made yourself so comfortable in, are you planning on contributing towards the costs?”

“I…” He stuttered for an answer but found that he had none. He looked to Alhaitham for help, but even he had nothing to say. “I don’t know if I can.”

“What a shame.” She wrote something down. “If you’d like, you two lovers can figure out how you want to split the bill. I don’t care who the Mora comes from, as long as it’s paid to me in full by the end of the month.”

“Are you done now?” Alhaitham looked tired. “I would like to continue with my day in peace.”

“Let me see…” Dori tapped her pen on the clipboard. “So, I will be calling a plumber in to repair the drain pipes, if that’s alright with you?”

“Fine by me,” Alhaitham said.

“What?” Kaveh exclaimed. “It’s just some hair on top of the drain! There’s no need to bring in a plumber!”

“I said,” Alhaitham shot Kaveh a piercing look, “it’s fine.”

Dori stifled a giggle and scribbled a few more notes. Kaveh wanted to rip the pen out of her hand and snap it in half.

After making sure to wrack up a sizable bill, Dori finally left. Alhaitham sank into his armchair, rubbing his temples. He muttered something about her being too loud, or maybe he said too much. Both were accurate enough.

Kaveh stayed rooted near the couch, a good distance away. Far enough away that he could try to flee if Alhaitham turned on him.

“I’m sorry,” he managed to say. It seemed like all he had been doing lately was spouting apologies, but there was so much for him to be sorry about. No matter where he went or who he found himself with, he continued to be a burden to those around him.

Alhaitham glanced up. “What for?”

Is he really going to make me say it? He knows. Surely he does.

Kaveh braced himself. “For everything. I’m sorry that I keep showing up here and making things difficult for you. I should have known that it would cause trouble for you with your landlord. I don’t know how I will pay you back, but I will try. And…” He hesitated. Maybe for a moment too long, because Alhaitham even shifted forward expectantly. He was waiting for Kaveh to apologise for his worst sin, the one that he was most embarrassed about.

“I’m sorry that I kissed you,” Kaveh finally admitted. “I understand if you want nothing to do with me after that.”

The silence that followed was deafening. Kaveh kept his eyes fixed on the floor, unable to stand seeing how Alhaitham must be looking at him.

“You keep apologising,” Alhaitham thought aloud, “but it seems more like it’s out of reflex than an actual sense of guilt.”

Kaveh laughed without any humour. “Goes to show what you know. My life is nothing but guilt. I feel guilty for so many things.”

“Who made you feel like that?”

The question flooded Kaveh’s mind. He wanted to answer, to give some simple explanation. That was certainly what Alhaitham wanted - for Kaveh to share some tidbit, a secret about his life and exactly who hurt him. Why did Kaveh feel like a burden? Was it because of his mom, and how she never looked at him the same way after his father had died? Was it his teachers over the years, who pressed him to do better until the hours he spent studying far outnumbered the hours he spent asleep? Perhaps it was all his ex-boyfriends, who sought out the Light of Kshahrewar but couldn’t handle how dim the man behind the flashy title really was.

Kaveh knew that it was none of those people. All this time, no one had told him that he was in the way or that his existence made the world a worse place. Only he told himself that. He made himself feel small and then pressed himself into an even smaller position until there was nothing left.

He took a deep breath and faced Alhaitham. “I did. I do. If I don’t stop myself from becoming a burden, then someone else will. And they may not be so kind.”

It was such a long explanation for something that was actually quite simple - Kaveh feared, above all else, rejection. His only defences against that were either pretending that he didn’t care or making himself so unlovable that it would be ridiculous to believe that anyone could possibly stand being around him.

Alhaitham’s jaw was clenched. He didn’t look satisfied with that answer, but Kaveh couldn’t waste any more energy caring about what Alhaitham thought of him. He was tired. He just wanted the pain to stop.

He moved to gather his things, before remembering that he hadn’t brought his briefcase with him. Huh. At least it was safe from the rain, but the thought of leaving without anything to grab onto made him uncomfortable. Like something was missing.

“Don’t let me trouble you anymore.” Kaveh strode to the front door. He was sure it was still unlocked, so he could just barge straight out. So why did he slow down the closer he got?

“Are you going home?” Alhaitham’s voice behind him rang out.

Home? What even is that anymore? I haven’t had a home since my dad died.

Kaveh didn’t answer. He turned the knob and crossed the threshold, being careful not to slam the door behind him.

Chapter Text

The following days went by in a blur. Kaveh’s time was divided between throwing himself into his assignments and tending to the daily chores that came with staying in Tighnari’s dorm. Occasionally, Cyno would catch him entering or leaving, and Kaveh would find himself roped into a few rounds of card games.

He didn’t mind it, though. The game was fun enough, despite how convoluted the rules were. Cyno also made decent conversation. They would often take turns monologuing about their interests, which while not the most practical or conventional way to communicate, worked to learn more about each other and to provide the cathartic feeling of being listened to. These exchanges would sometimes also reveal where their interests overlapped. Like when Kaveh found that the designs on the card backs, as well as the cards themselves, really were visually striking and stunning in their own right. He only wished the scenes that the art depicted weren’t so flat. He craved three-dimensional forms, and he found it difficult to connect to anything that didn’t look like something he could touch.

While Cyno could spend several minutes explaining game rules or the lore behind cards, he didn’t talk much about himself or his personal life. He made a surprisingly good listener, and Kaveh often found himself spilling some of his smaller troubles onto Cyno when their game sessions ran into the early hours of the morning. He ranted about unfair deadlines, noisy classmates, passive-aggressive critique meetings, and the looming exams. Cyno was usually quick to point out simple solutions, or to question Kaveh on his own role in the laundry list of problems. His bluntness sometimes stung, but Kaveh felt better just being able to unload some of his worries onto someone else’s shoulders - even if it wasn’t necessarily the worst of his issues.

A week before the start of exams, Kaveh returned to the dorm room to find the door halfway open. Panic set in. He was sure he had locked it before heading out to class. He had developed a habit of cleaning the room every morning and double-checking that everything was perfectly in place before he left, so it was unlikely that he had simply forgotten to lock up. Which only meant…

He stood in the doorway and peered inside. Cyno sat cross-legged on the futon, a pair of game mats set up in front of him and a deck in his hand that he shuffled absent-mindedly. He wasn’t paying attention to the cards. His focus was fixed on the figure standing by the chest of drawers, neatly packing clothes out of a large duffel bag. The figure had his back to the door, but Kaveh recognized him instantly.

“Tighnari?” Kaveh spoke the name, unsure if what he was seeing was real. 

The two men in the room turned to look at him. Seeing Tighnari’s face, in full and in person, after months apart settled something in Kaveh’s stomach. Like some of the safety and stability that he had been missing since the semester had begun was finally back.

Before he knew what he was doing, Kaveh dropped his briefcase and closed the gap between them, pulling Tighnari into a tight embrace. Honestly, he had been needing a hug for a long time but never had an excuse to be held by anyone up until now. Having your best friend return from a long academic trip was indeed reason enough to indulge in the physical affection that he so craved.

“Whoa!” Tighnari stiffened, not really one for physical touch, and the fact that Kaveh had hugged him without warning certainly didn’t help. But they were both tired and had missed each other. Tighnari settled into the embrace. He was finally home.

He tapped out after a while, and Kaveh reluctantly pulled back. His smile was giddy and he let out a soft laugh as he took in the sight of his friend.

“You’re back!” he exclaimed. “Why didn’t you tell me? I could have prepared a proper welcome for you!”

“It was supposed to be a surprise,” Tighnari admitted. He rubbed his shoulder, where Kaveh had previously buried his face into. “Don’t tell Collei yet though, I can probably still surprise her. Cyno was the only one who knew. Which reminds me.” He glanced at Cyno. “I don’t think I’ve had the chance to introduce you two yet.”

“We’ve already met.” Cyno’s hand stretched out and found rest on Tighnari’s arm. Like he was grounding both of them. “Kaveh has been my TCG partner while you were gone.”

“Oh, great.” Tighnari slouched. “Then you two can duel each other and let me rest.”

“I’ve already set up the field for a three-way match. It’s unconventional, but I can make it work. I like the challenge.”

Tighnari rubbed Cyno’s hand. With the softness of their touches, and how comfortable Tighnari seemed to be, Kaveh put the pieces together. Oh. They’re dating. How long has that been going on, and why did no one tell me?

Pushing that out of his mind, Kaveh returned his attention to his friend. “How was the trip? Did you finish all the research you wanted?”

“I got everything I need to write up my findings.” Tighnari massaged his neck for any tension. “Now I just need to organise the data and draw conclusions. A lot of admin stuff. Ugh, I miss the forest already.”

Cyno tugged on Tighnari’s sleeve. “Sit. Get some rest. You can unpack later.”

Tighnari obliged, and Kaveh awkwardly joined them on the futon. Sitting across from Cyno and Tighnari, he took a moment to fully observe them. Cyno looked the same as always, though a few millimetres of dark roots peaked through his white hair, revealing that he hadn’t touched up his DIY dye job yet. Kaveh had gotten used to Cyno’s intense aura, but all of that melted away with the arrival of Tighnari. He was a lot softer and would steal glances in his partner’s direction or brush his fingertips against Tighnari’s. While Tighnari was not usually the most physically affectionate person, he made sure to give Cyno a few reassuring touches. They seemed to have an understanding that Kaveh couldn’t relate to. He wondered what it would be like to have a relationship that secure.

“So, how long have you two been together?” He couldn’t resist asking the question. Neither had mentioned it before and being left in the dark about his friends’ happiness hurt.

Tighnari gave Cyno a questioning look. Cyno nodded at him. 

“About five months,” Tighnari revealed.

Kaveh hummed. So they had been dating since the beginning of the school year, before Tighnari had left for his practical research trip. Made sense. They probably met at the start of the year while moving into their dorms, and had hit it off from there. Kaveh could only speculate.

“If you’re wondering why I didn’t tell you,” Tighnari went on, “it’s because you were barely around anymore. And any time we did meet up, you’d usually just complain about your coursework or boy troubles.”

“I -” Kaveh stopped. He couldn’t argue with that. He had been avoiding Tighnari and Collei this year, in an effort not to let them see him at his lowest. With Collei, he could give the excuse that third-year architecture left very little room for social gatherings, which was partly true. But Tighnari was also a third-year student, and even though he was majoring at a different Darshan, he was perceptive enough to know that schoolwork wasn’t the real reason why Kaveh stopped checking in. From his perspective, he probably thought that Kaveh had grown tired of them. 

The heavy feeling of guilt pulled Kaveh down. I’m a bad friend, he thought. Of course they think that. I’ve done nothing but use them.

“Don’t bother apologising, I don’t want to hear it.” Tighnari sighed. “I’m not fighting with you. I’m back home, and you’re here now too. Can we just enjoy the time we have together and catch up?”

At least Tighnari didn’t beat around the bush. Kaveh was grateful not to have to linger on the topic, but his conscience couldn’t let it go. He wouldn’t bring it up, though. He didn’t want to bring down the mood.

They played cards together. Cyno had engineered new rules that allowed all three of them to take turns playing, and the complexity of his instructions caused confusion during the first few rounds. But eventually, they found a rhythm and the game became an afterthought while they listened to Tighnari’s stories from the rainforest.

“You’ve been awfully quiet,” Cyno said to Kaveh after several hours. By then, Cyno and Tighnari were settled closer together, and Tighnari even had his head resting on his boyfriend’s shoulder. “Usually you would have gone into some rant by now.”

Kaveh felt his face heat up. Sure, maybe it was accurate, but why did he have to say it?

“Yeah,” Tighnari chimed in. “You still haven’t told me what you’ve been up to for the past few months. Are the projects treating you well?”

“Er… As well as they can, considering how many deadlines are stacked up on top of each other.” Kaveh twirled a piece of his hair nervously. “I’ve been struggling with getting my blueprints to scale, and it’s mostly been trial and error.”

“He also still has boy trouble,” Cyno told Tighnari. There was a mischievous energy in his voice, and it was a tone that Kaveh wasn’t used to hearing.

“Oh?” Tighnari sat up a little straighter. “Please don’t tell me it’s the same guy you dated last time. You’re way too good for him, and if I have to comfort you after he breaks your heart again I might just combust out of sheer second-hand embarrassment.”

Cyno shook his head. “It’s a new guy. A second-year named Alhaitham. We’re in the same philosophy class.”

Kaveh shifted uncomfortably. “Oh, um… I wouldn’t say he’s giving me boy trouble. I haven’t even spoken to him for a couple of weeks now.”

“I know,” Cyno said. “That’s why I said you’re having boy trouble. The trouble is that you’re not communicating.”

“There’s nothing to communicate. I don’t even talk to him!”

“Wait, slow down.” Tighnari held up the hand that wasn’t intertwined with Cyno’s as he took everything in. “Explain everything from the beginning. Who’s this new crush?”

“I do not have a crush on him!” Kaveh huffed. “He’s the most insufferable person I’ve ever met.”

Tighnari didn’t even blink. “Go on.”

“All I did was get drunk and kiss him one time !”

“There it is.” Tighnari rolled his eyes. “Kaveh, I know you. Drunk or not, you don’t try hooking up with someone you aren’t interested in. You’re too sincere with your feelings to do something like that.”

“Well, yeah, maybe I’m interested in him.” Kaveh was rambling at this point, he was so flustered. “But that’s his fault for being so good-looking! If there’s any interest, it’s only because of his looks. Nothing else.”

The side eye that Tighnari gave him did little to convince Kaveh of his own words. He didn’t want to admit the disappointment that had filled him when Alhaitham had broken away from that kiss. Or just how shaken up Kaveh felt after Alhaitham had left him alone in that house, with only half a bottle of gin to keep him company.

After several days apart, Kaveh was starting to recover from the embarrassment that he had felt from misinterpreting Alhaitham’s intentions. And with a clearer head, he also could replay his memories of that evening and search for meaning in Alhaitham’s actions. Kaveh may have been wrong in his tipsy state, but he was sure that Alhaitham had reciprocated the kiss. Did that mean anything? Kaveh wasn’t sure. He didn’t know if he was even willing to entertain the possibilities, lest he get his hopes up. 

Tighnari shrugged to himself. “Alright, if that’s what you want to believe then sure. I’m not going to tell you what to do.”

“I will,” Cyno interjected. “You should text him.”

“I am not going to text him! If he wants to talk to me, he can message me first. Otherwise, I have no reason to reach out to him.”

That was a lie. Kaveh had left his dirty clothes at Alhaitham’s house and was running out of outfits to cycle through. He also couldn’t forget the promise he had made to pay Alhaitham back for the enormous bill that his landlord had slapped him with. He wanted to contribute, but he didn’t know how. He was down to the last few hundred Mora in his bank account, and he still had to eat at least one small meal a day to stay energized enough to get through his classes and studio sessions. At the current rate, he would be penniless by next week. Just in time for his exams. 

And as happy as he was to have Tighnari back in his life, a large part of him had secretly hoped that he wouldn’t get back for at least another month. Or two. Gods, when Kaveh saw Tighnari standing in front of him, his empty stomach had sunk. He felt bad for feeling that way, but it was hard not to feel a sense of dread. Now, he wouldn’t have a room to take refuge in anymore. He wouldn’t have daily showers, a soft and warm bed, or the privacy to unwind. He would lose the ability to hand wash his clothes in the sink and dry it by the window. He had just gotten used to having a space for himself. He wasn’t ready to let go of that.

Tighnari folded his arms. “So does that mean you’re looking for an excuse to contact him?”

Shit. He knows me too well.

“Shut up!” Kaveh buried his burning face in his hands. “Can we stop talking about him now?”

Tighnari laughed. “Sure, if it makes you more comfortable. By the way, Collei told me that you had taken over watering the plants. Thanks for that.”

Kaveh looked up. “Collei told you?”

“Yeah, we have no secrets. She felt bad about everything and told me as soon as it happened. Anyway, I’m sure you really helped her out there. And you didn’t do too bad of a job either.”

“It wasn’t too difficult.” Kaveh had spent most of his downtime nurturing the houseplants, to varying degrees of success. At least none wilted and died, but he couldn’t exactly say that they were all thriving. Except for one.

Tighnari gestured to the windowsill, where the only plant that Kaveh had gotten to produce flowers sat. “Yeah, but you even got the mourning flowers to bloom. That’s something that even I struggle with.”

The what?

“Mourning flowers?” Kaveh repeated. He glanced up at the vibrant red petals. “Is that what those are?”

“Yeah, it’s a pretty grim name but that’s what they’re commonly known as. There’s a whole legend about them growing on ancient battlefields, but the stems and leaves really can grow anywhere. It’s the flowers that need special care and attention to thrive.”

Huh. When Kaveh had first taken note of the flowers, he had felt a strange attachment to them that he couldn’t quite understand. He thought that it was perhaps the red colour palette or the drooping bell shape that had him so entranced. But now that he knew the name of the flowers, his mind tugged at memories that he wished to ignore. He was reminded that, with each passing day, he drew closer to the anniversary he dreaded each year. The day when things first started going wrong for him.

“They’re pretty,” was all he said.

Tighnari got up and plucked two flowers from the pot. He offered them both to Kaveh. “Here. You can put it in a vase, or maybe give one to your crush if you’re feeling bold.”

Kaveh didn’t even have the energy to respond to the teasing. He merely took the flowers and gently held them in his hand.

“Thank you,” he said.

“Don’t mention it.”

*

In the days leading up to the start of exams, the campus library was packed to the brim with students buried in their books. There was a sign-in sheet at reception, and most people had to book a time slot if they wanted to take advantage of the library resources. For this reason, many students opted to study from the comfort of their homes, rather than brave the crowded public space.

All the chaos meant that Kaveh couldn’t loiter in the library after hours anymore. Even the architecture studio was off limits, as it had been getting more crowded with all the people pulling all-nighters and there had been some complaints about having unsupervised students near incredibly fragile dioramas and building models that fellow classmates had spent hours putting together. After classes, Kaveh stayed behind for as long as he could, but he knew that he would have to leave once it got too late. He couldn’t stay there forever.

During the day, when he had no classes and the campus spaces were off-limits to him, Kaveh walked down to the local mall and passed the time there. He found a cheap chain coffee shop, ordered a single black coffee, and sipped it slowly while he worked so that he could stay seated for as long as possible. He felt self-conscious whenever the waiter staff passed by his table or glanced in his direction, so he often caved and ordered something else to justify his existence there. The thing about loitering in a public mall was that he had to buy something just to occupy a space with free Wi-Fi or access to charging ports. Everything had a cost, and he was quickly running out of funds.

Having enough Mora was only one of his concerns. The biggest one was finding a place to go at night. The mall closed around midnight, and his earliest class was at 8 AM, so he had eight hours to wander around and find somewhere to rest. Kaveh felt a lot safer spending this time at the university, rather than toughing it out in the city centre. Each night, he went somewhere different. Sometimes he would lock himself in a cubicle in the men’s bathroom and curl up on the tiles, trying not to think about when was the last time the floor had been cleaned. If he was lucky, he might find a small classroom that hadn’t been locked and he could shelter under the lecturer’s desk.

But most nights, he barely got any sleep, either because of how uncomfortable his sleeping positions were, how cold he was without a blanket or proper pyjamas, or how paranoid he felt that someone would catch him at any moment. Despite everything, he still didn’t want anyone to know how bad things were for him.

It had gotten harder to keep up appearances, though. He washed up as best as he could in the university bathrooms, but his dirty clothes and lack of sleep stood out despite his best efforts. He couldn’t be sure, but he felt like everyone had noticed. How could they not? He felt like shit, and he probably stank. If anyone asked, he could probably pass it off as a side effect of staying up all night studying. What a dedicated student he was. He was so devoted to his studies that nothing else mattered, not even personal hygiene.

The morning of his first exam, Kaveh woke up from a brief nap on one of the courtyard benches. He’d been sitting back in an upright position, with his briefcase cradled on his lap. He would have loved to lie down on the bench and stretch his legs out, but a bar serving as an armrest cut the seating area in half. Hostile architecture. He, like many of his peers, had learned about it in a few classes, but how many of those students could say they had been affected by it first-hand?

Kaveh kept moving. He studied, he wrote his exams, and he drew until his wrist ached. While the ruthless exam schedule and pace of the coursework had his classmates in a frenzy, Kaveh was just grateful for something to focus on. He couldn’t afford to dwell on the grave reality he found himself in. If he did, he might just crumble.

*

After writing his last exam paper and submitting his next update to his final project, Kaveh didn’t know what to do with himself. Most students were celebrating the end of exams, but he didn’t feel any relief. There were still a couple of weeks left before the end of the semester, and then he would be on break for an entire month. What would he do with himself then? He still hadn’t given his mom a proper answer as to whether or not he was going to come to see her. Sure, she would probably pay for his flight and he would have regular meals and a warm place to sleep on his visit, but… Could he really face her? It had been so long since they had seen each other. What if she didn’t like who he had become? What if seeing each other so close to the anniversary of his dad’s death caused her to spiral again?

Ugh. Maybe what Kaveh really needed was a distraction. He could go to Tighnari and Collei, but they had both been engrossed in academics for a while. Collei had fallen behind in her studies, and Tighnari was not only tutoring her but also making sure that she got back on track. And Cyno had some internship thing that he was trying to organise, on top of the enormous amount of reading he had been assigned for the break. Kaveh couldn’t bother them.

Getting drunk with strangers it is, then. He could invite himself to whatever party was closest and fill himself with enough substances that he’d forget about his troubles for a brief, blissful moment. Yeah, that sounded good.

*

And so, Kaveh finds himself once again at someone’s house, where he raids the kitchen for booze and snacks. Even though he keeps sipping from the cup in his hand, it never seems to run out. Someone keeps refilling it. Or maybe he refilled it himself? It doesn’t matter. As long as he can keep drinking, he doesn’t need anything else.

It’s loud. The music thumps. Bodies ebb and flow around him. He doesn’t even know half the students here. Who’s house is this? Who are these people pushing past him, rubbing against him, talking to him? Faces and words don’t reach his consciousness. He’s too far gone to recognize anyone or take note of anything they say or do.

He feels a little more stable once he’s pressed up against a wall. How did he get there? His head rolls to the side and he takes in the arms caging him. The limbs belong to someone, but he can’t tell who. He blinks at the guy in front of him, who’s saying something that Kaveh can’t quite make out. His foggy brain tries to pick up on what’s going on through context clues. Is this guy trying to get with him? Kaveh can’t remember even striking up a conversation with this person, let alone flirting with him. But the way this man leans into him makes him think that he surely must have led him on. He wants this, right?

Hands. On his cheek, his neck. Gripping his hips and pulling them forward. They’re still in a room full of people, but Kaveh can barely hear the music or the loud chatter anymore. His ears ring and his head feels heavy. He wants it to stop. He wants to get out of here.

“Um, hey…” He thinks he speaks the words, but it’s hard to tell if he’s heard. “Can I, can I go? I’m feeling kinda tired…”

The guy lets out a chuckle. “Still being a tease? Fine, we can go back to my place. Or would you prefer if we went to yours?”

“I…” Kaveh tries to think, but his drunken state betrays him. The hands are braced against the wall behind him now, and foreign fingers card through his hair. Here’s someone who wants him. Maybe he should let himself be dragged along. He has nowhere else to go.

“Still deciding?” There’s an impatient tug on his hair. “Come on, pretty boy, I don’t have all night.”

“I don’t want…”

“Sorry? Speak up, I couldn’t hear you.”

“I want….”

I want to go home.

Kaveh feels the guy’s weight shift as his attention is drawn elsewhere. It’s hard to tell what he’s doing, but it looks like someone is talking to him. Kaveh can only see two humanoid shadows in the dim light, but he manages to hear the conversation.

“Excuse me.” A stern voice. A vaguely familiar one. “Is there a problem here?”

“Nope, no problem. My date here is just feeling queasy after too much to drink.”

“Your date. Huh. He doesn’t look like he’s all that interested.”

As the newcomer speaks, Kaveh slowly pieces together where he knows that voice from. Is that Alhaitham? What is he doing here?

“If I were you, I would mind my business.” The guy lets go of Kaveh, and he feels relieved at finally being free.

“My business is with him.” Alhaitham’s voice is the only sound grounding Kaveh now. “And he said he’s tired. If you continue to press after he said he doesn’t want to, I will have to report you to the disciplinary board and get you expelled.”

Kaveh can’t really tell what happens next, his vision is so blurry. He hears a few shuffled movements, the sound of fading footsteps, and then there’s a cautious hand touching the top of his head. He squints. Alhaitham is looking down at him.

“Are you okay?” 

Kaveh’s mouth feels dry. He doesn’t realize he’s shaking his head until he sees Alhaitham’s reaction. He looks… Worried? Or is it a trick of the light?

“Shit, you’re really out of it.” Alhaitham pulls out his phone and navigates to some ride-sharing app that Kaveh doesn’t recognize. “Tell me your address. I’m taking you home now. ”

The confidence in Alhaitham’s words shakes something in Kaveh’s core. He doesn’t know if he wants to laugh or cry. Perhaps both. It is a little funny, in a sad kind of way.

Against his better judgement, Kaveh blurts out an address, and Alhaitham starts to type it in. Stops. Even with so much alcohol in his system, Kaveh can see the gears turning in Alhaitham’s head as he realizes.

“That’s the university library address,” Alhaitham says. “Very funny. You know, I’m trying to help you. I want to make sure you get home safely.”

“Good luck with that,” Kaveh murmurs. “It’s impossible.”

“Can you please, for once in your life, stop being so difficult and let me help you. ” Alhaitham offers Kaveh his phone. “If you don’t want to tell me, then type it in. But I’m still going to get in the cab with you to ensure your safety.”

Now Kaveh really does laugh, but there’s no humour behind it. Just exhaustion. Frustration. Humiliation.

“You don’t get it, huh…?” Kaveh spreads his arms, finally giving in. “There’s no address. I don’t have one.”

Alhaitham’s eyebrows furrow. “What do you mean?”

“I’m homeless, Haitham.” Kaveh sighs. He’s never said it out loud before. Maybe it’s just his boozed-up brain, but it feels good to say it. To finally share that part of himself that he kept so hidden. “So you don’t have to bother. I’m a lost cause.”

Kaveh is grateful for the darkness of the room because it keeps him from fully seeing Alhaitham’s face. He doesn’t know how he will react. He hopes that Alhaitham will just turn away and leave him alone.

But Alhaitham doesn’t.

“Kaveh…” He speaks softly, almost too quiet to hear over the music. “I’m sorry.”

Kaveh doesn’t know what to say to that. He feels like he’s given up. He wishes he was drunk enough to pass out right now and avoid everything that’s making his life hell. To avoid Alhaitham thinking any less of him than he probably already does.

“Please, don’t…” Kaveh feels soft hands on his biceps. Alhaitham holds him like he’s trying to keep him from falling apart. “I don’t want your pity. I’m not worth the trouble…”

The hands on his arms tighten. He feels himself being pulled away from the wall and into an upright position. Well, as upright as he can be. He can barely stand. He almost falls, and strong arms catch him and hoist him up. He slumps against Alhaitham, his head finding refuge on his shoulder. He wants to sleep. Fuck, he’s so tired.

“I’ve got you.” He not only hears Alhaitham, but he can also feel his voice. The vibrations in Alhaitham’s throat tickle Kaveh’s skin. He can feel each breath, and how Alhaitham swallows before speaking. “We’re going home.”

Kaveh closes his eyes, wishing those words were true.

Chapter Text

Taking Kaveh back home was more difficult than it should have been. Alhaitham had no trouble practically carrying the drunk to the cab and getting him settled in a seated position. No, it wasn’t Kaveh’s slack body that weighed Alhaitham down. It was the things that he said through his drunken haze.

They sat in the backseat of the cab, on opposite ends. Kaveh was slumped forward, his forehead pressed against the seat in front of him and his face buried in his hands. Alhaitham wanted to comfort him but now didn’t seem like the right time. What would he even say? Sorry that you’re homeless. Oh, and by the way I’ve been into you for months, but you didn’t even know me. Wanna come live with me and maybe kiss sometimes? Yeah, that would go over smoothly.

Kaveh’s mutters pulled Alhaitham out of his thoughts. Even in the quiet cab, it was hard to make out what he said. But Alhaitham picked up on some of the words.

“I’m sorry for causing trouble…” Kaveh’s voice was small. Smaller than it should have been.

Alhaitham didn’t know what to say to that. Kaveh kept insisting that he was a burden, a waste of space. He felt so guilty for existing. How do you comfort someone who thinks like that? Would he even listen to anything Alhaitham tried to tell him to put his mind at ease? Probably not, which was why Alhaitham felt so powerless to help.

“You’re not causing trouble. I’d rather you sleep on my couch than out on the streets. Stop putting yourself down like that.”

How could a light be a burden when it illuminates every space it fills?

Kaveh didn’t have anything to say to that. He could have been mistaken for asleep, if it weren’t for the occasional sniffles coming from his direction.

How long has he been living like this? Alhaitham felt stupid for not noticing any red flags earlier. Kaveh’s worrying behaviour… It was all a cry for help, right? He must have wanted someone to notice that he was struggling, instead of just asking for assistance like a normal person. If Alhaitham hadn’t found him tonight… No, he didn’t want to think about that. He was grateful that he managed to step in when he did. Though he wasn’t sure if maybe that was still too late.

He had seen Kaveh so intoxicated, yet still pulling away from that guy’s advances. The sight made Alhaitham reconsider his previous assumptions. He’d been under the impression that Kaveh was willing to sleep with just anyone while drunk, but tonight had proven that theory false. What that meant for his own drunken encounters with the blond, Alhaitham couldn’t be sure. Now was not the time to let his fantasies cloud his judgement.

When they arrived home, Alhaitham half-carried Kaveh to the couch. Kaveh remained slumped against him the whole time, even once he was fully seated on the couch cushion. Alhaitham started to pull back to fetch his extra pillows and blankets, but Kaveh didn’t let go. He had his arms wrapped around Alhaitham’s midriff, with the fabric of his sweater gripped in his shaking hands. Alhaitham froze, fearing that if he moved then all the stability Kaveh had left would break before his very eyes.

“Kaveh.” He spoke softly. “I have to get you some blankets. You can let go now.”

Kaveh didn’t let go. His face was buried in Alhaitham’s chest and his shoulders shook as he stifled his sobs.

“Why do you hate me…?” he whimpered.

What kind of question is that? Did Kaveh really believe that? Alhaitham knew that he wasn’t the most outwardly expressive person, but surely he didn’t come off as completely cold and distant. Had he said something upsetting? Or was this just Kaveh’s anxious thoughts at work again?

And in that painful moment with their souls laid bare, and Kaveh having no walls to hide behind, Alhaitham saw that the light that had once burned so brightly was being kept alive solely by burning the flesh from which it came.

Alhaitham placed a gentle hand on Kaveh’s head and stroked through the loose strands. “Of course I don’t hate you. I don’t know what gave you that impression, but it’s untrue.”

Kaveh choked out a sob and pressed closer. Being so close to a collapsing sun, Alhaitham knew he would be sucked into the inevitable black hole. But for now, he couldn`t care. He held Kaveh tighter.

“You’re tired,” he murmured into blond hair. “You should get some sleep.”

Kaveh nodded weakly. He was the first to pull away, which Alhaitham was grateful for. With how soft Kaveh was in his arms, he didn’t know if he could bear to let him go.

After untangling himself from the mess of limbs and emotions, Alhaitham rushed off to grab spare bedding. He avoided eye contact as he fluffed the pillows and laid down the blankets. Kaveh seemed to be unwilling to look at him too, as he kept his gaze fixed on the floor and he sat stiffly. Even as Alhaitham was actively setting up a space for his comfort, Kaveh was still on edge.

Alhaitham draped a light blanket over Kaveh’s shoulders. “If you need anything, my room is the last door down the hall. Please don’t hesitate to ask.”

Kaveh wrung his hands in his lap. With the blanket over his small frame, he looked so fragile. But birds had to be delicate in order to fly.

“Thank you,” he whispered. “You didn’t have to do any of -”

“I wanted to,” Alhaitham interrupted. “Whatever weird sense of guilt you feel doesn’t matter because you didn’t even ask me to help you. I chose to do that. Understand?”

Even though Kaveh nodded, it was clear that he still didn’t believe Alhaitham. They would have to work on that. He had to learn that he wasn’t a waste of space.

“Okay.” Alhaitham nodded, in an effort to be reassuring. “I’m going to bed then. If you want, you can turn on the TV and watch something until you fall asleep.”

Kaveh mumbled a good night, and Alhaitham headed to his room. The time display on his alarm clock said that it was 1 AM, but Alhaitham wasn’t tired. His mind was too active to let him sleep.

As he got ready for bed, he thought about what his next moves would be. Kaveh needed a place to stay, and Alhaitham was more than happy to offer up his couch for as long as need be. There were just two problems with that plan. One was that his landlord would no doubt find out about the arrangement, and who knew what kind of headaches she would stir up as a result. The other was that having the object of his affection in such close proximity… Well, that would only end in more heartbreak.

I’ll figure it out , he thought as he lay down. I just have to think through this logically and come up with a plan.

He stayed up for hours afterwards, ears ringing with the sound of his thoughts and his beating heart.

*

Most Saturday mornings saw Alhaitham not leaving his room until close to noon, as he usually woke up late and read a few chapters of a book in bed. But today, Alhaitham was up early despite how little sleep he got. While Kaveh slept, he made scrambled eggs on toast and ate his own serving as he waited for the coffee machine to finish. He remembered that Kaveh liked his coffee sweet, and on a whim, he added a few drops of hazelnut syrup to Kaveh’s mug. Maybe the taste would help Kaveh adjust to everything.

Alhaitham placed both mugs and the plate of food down on the coffee table. Kaveh was still sleeping soundly. He let out soft snores with each even breath, and a small puddle of drool collected on the pillow he was clutching close to his chest. He looked at peace. Alhaitham wondered when was the last time that Kaveh had gotten a good night’s sleep, or slept in a real bed. The thought lingered in his mind as he stood by the couch, hesitant to disturb Kaveh’s slumber. 

Bracing himself, he gently shook Kaveh’s shoulder, earning a sleepy groan in return.

“Kaveh. Breakfast.”

“Hnnngg huh…?” Kaveh shifted, immediately regretting the sudden movement as he rubbed his forehead. Hangover. Not surprising, considering how heavily he had been drinking.

Alhaitham gestured to the food on the table while Kaveh slowly sat up. “I made you coffee and a greasy breakfast to help with the hangover. Do you need an aspirin?”

Kaveh blinked a few times. He looked around, taking in his surroundings. “Uh…. Yeah, I think so. When did I get here?”

Alhaitham handed over the coffee mug and a single headache pill, which Kaveh took without question. He visibly paused after taking a sip, and Alhaitham noted the reaction. Okay, he’s not a fan of the hazelnut syrup then. I’ll try something different next time.

“How much do you remember about last night?” Alhaitham sat down in his armchair a good distance away, so as to give Kaveh some space.

“Um…” Kaveh’s nervous hands gripped his mug. “I was at a party. And… I think you were there? And then…” He trailed off.

So he doesn’t remember the important parts. That makes this more difficult.

Alhaitham took a breath. “I found you at that party and offered to take you home because you had too much to drink. And you told me that you’re homeless.”

Kaveh’s eyes widened “Oh. That .” He tried for a nervous laugh, but he couldn’t hide the panic in his voice. “I say a lot of crazy things when I’m drunk, really it’s just -”

“How long?” Even Alhaitham was surprised by how bold he was getting with interrupting Kaveh’s ramblings. “How long have you been homeless?”

Kaveh bit his lip. After too many seconds of internal deliberation, he said, “About six months.”

Fuck, that’s a long time. Alhaitham closed his eyes and sucked in a breath. “Does anyone else know?”

A few moments passed again before Kaveh shook his head. He kept his eyes fixed on his coffee as Alhaitham continued with his questioning.

“That time I found you passed out in the library - is that where you sleep?”

“Most nights, yes,” Kaveh spoke the words into his mug as he took another sip. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have unloaded all that on you last night. I don’t know what I was thinking.” He sighed and rested the mug in his lap. “I can leave after breakfast. I’m sure you’re tired of constantly seeing me here.”

“No. You can stay here.”

Kaveh looked up. “Stay here?” he repeated. “No, I can’t do that. I’ve already intruded enough.”

“You’re not intruding. I’ve invited you over here every single time.”

“That’s different.”

“How is it different?”

“It just is!”

“You’re not making any sense. I have a couch that you can sleep on, and there’s enough space in the house for two people to live here comfortably. You can very easily stay here for as long as you need.”

“But why?” Kaveh was exasperated. “Why would you offer so much just to help me?”

“Why wouldn’t I?” He said it on impulse, almost reflexively. “I saw someone in need and I chose to help them. Any logical person would do the same.”

Logical? No, nothing he was doing was logical anymore. He had surrendered his reasoning to Kaveh’s immense gravitational pull.

Kaveh paused. “What about your landlady? I can’t imagine she’d be happy to find an extra person living here.”

Alhaitham nodded, ready for this question. “Don’t worry about her, I’ll handle that. I’m sure we can come to an agreement.”

“Agreement?” Kaveh seemed to shrink further into himself. “Haitham, I can’t do anything to contribute. I have no money so I can’t pay rent. I have nothing valuable to give.”

Haitham. He had said the name last night, and the informal way that Kaveh addressed him made Alhaitham’s head feel light. The only other person who still called him “Haitham” was his grandmother, and to have someone else refer to him without the added title of respect felt so… Intimate. Maybe Kaveh was also starting to be bolder.

“I’m not interested in what you have to offer,” Alhaitham said. “This isn’t a transaction. Just clean up after yourself and keep noise levels down when I’m studying. That’s all.”

Despite Alhaitham’s reassurances, Kaveh still didn’t relax. He remained as on edge as ever, as if anticipating the moment that this all turned out to be a trap. 

“Can I consider it?” he said eventually.

What was there to consider? Did Kaveh not trust him?

Alhaitham only nodded. “Yes, of course.”

Kaveh chewed on lip bottom lip. His eyes flicked down to the food on the table and his body tensed, as if holding himself back. 

“Can I…?” He trailed off, hands lingering in empty air.

Alhaitham raised his eyebrows. “Are you asking me permission to eat? The food that I made, specifically for you?”

Kaveh grumbled and pulled the plate onto his lap. “When you say it like that, it sounds stupid.”

“That’s because it is stupid.”

The only thing keeping Kaveh from snapping back was his mouth full of eggs and toast, but he rolled his eyes to get his point across. Alhaitham quietly sipped his coffee while Kaveh ate.

When Alhaitham couldn’t stand it anymore, he asked the question that had been weighing on him since last night. “Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”

Kaveh almost choked. He wiped his mouth and met his eyes. “Why would I have told you? It’s not like we’re friends or anything.”

Alhaitham folded his arms to hide his wincing at Kaveh’s dismissal. “Not friends? I was under the impression that we were at least on friendly terms.”

“You have an odd way of showing it.”

If Alhaitham were a more emotionally charged person, he would instantly bring up the way that they had held each other last night. He hated that Kaveh didn’t remember how he had clutched onto Alhaitham so tightly as he cried, and Alhaitham didn’t know how to even bring it up. Kaveh had been in such a vulnerable state, so was it even a good idea to remind him of that?

Alhaitham swallowed his feelings. “Is it really so hard for you to believe that someone would willingly help you and want to be around you without asking for anything in return? Even if you don’t consider us friends, surely you have other people in your life who would be willing to support you. You could have turned to any one of them.”

“That’s easier said than done. No one wants to see the Light of Kshahrewar struggling just to survive. Where would their hopes for their own futures be then if the best and brightest didn’t have it as easy as they thought?”

“You’re not just a light, Kaveh. You’re human.” 

He said it partly to comfort Kaveh, but also to give himself a reminder. He had spent all this time pining over the model student from Kshahrewar, and he may have invented his own version of that light in the process. He put Kaveh up on a pedestal, forgetting that he was also just a person with his own struggles and insecurities. Alhaitham cringed at the way he had idolised the man. That perfect image was being chipped away with each new awful revelation about Kaveh’s reality.

“Yeah, but who cares about Kaveh the human?” Kaveh gave a pained smile. “They only want to see me shine.”

I care about your humanity. Please, let me get to know you. I promise, I won’t make the mistake of being blinded by your light again.

“I’m sure that’s not entirely true,” Alhaitham said. He didn’t know what else to say.

Kaveh chewed his food slowly. When he finished, he set his plate down on the table and looked around. “Is my briefcase here?”

Alhaitham shook his head. “You didn’t have it when I found you.”

“ Shit.” Kaveh’s hands tightened into fists. “I think I left it at the party. My whole life is in there. I- I need to get it back.”

“I’ll get it.” Alhaitham stood up. “You stay here and get settled in.”

“Are you sure? I don’t want to cause any more -”

“Yes, I’m sure.”

Kaveh couldn’t argue with him. Perhaps he was too tired to continue.

*

While Alhaitham was gone, Kaveh cleaned up both himself and the house. Alhaitham had mentioned tidying up before, but when Kaveh saw the state of the kitchen and living room he had to wonder if his definition of “tidying up” was entirely different. Alhaitham left most dishes to soak in the sink, and the ones on the drying rack still had grease and bits of food stuck to them. He’d also left plenty of books strewn about. There were piles on every surface and the bookshelf hosted volumes arranged in a haphazard way, with seemingly no thought put into their layout. The same could also be said for the decor. The couch and armchair sported mismatched throw pillows that totally clashed in colour scheme and texture, and there wasn’t so much as a poster on the bare walls. How anyone could stand to live in such a state was truly a mystery.

But I guess I live here now, Kaveh reminded himself. This is what I’ll wake up to every day.

The thought was terrifying.

He focused on something so trivial as feng shui so as to distract himself from lingering on the real issue. He didn’t want to think about the fact that he had drunkenly confessed his greatest weakness to someone who already thought so little of him. Someone who had seen him be so pathetic and had taken him in out of pity.

Kaveh couldn’t entirely decipher Alhaitham’s reasoning. Was this some kind of twisted way of gaining power? To offer shelter to someone desperate enough to accept it, only to later use that as leverage in some wicked scheme. Kaveh wasn’t usually a sceptical person, but he also didn’t think he was good enough to deserve such blatant kindness. So that only meant that something bad was going to happen, right? Even if Alhaitham didn’t seem like the kind of person to take advantage of someone in need, it wouldn’t hurt to be cautious.

Whatever his true intentions were, Kaveh was determined to earn his place here. After a lengthy and much-needed shower - he’d snuck into Alhaitham’s bedroom to grab some clean clothes, and hopefully, he wouldn’t mind - he tackled the mess in the kitchen. The dishes were easy enough, although Alhaitham hadn’t stocked up on sponges and dishwashing liquid. Seriously, how did this guy manage on his own like this? 

Kaveh started gathering all the books but found that there were a lot more than he had realized. The hallway and living both housed huge, dark wood bookshelves that were already overflowing. Alright, this shouldn’t be too difficult. I just have to rearrange them so that they’re organised and packed in neatly. Piece of cake.

It wasn’t, in fact, a piece of cake. Kaveh spent way too long just packing all the books out onto the floor so that he could categorise them. He considered organising the shelves by topic, but the collection was such a mixed bag of genres that it was overwhelming just to find a place to start. Eventually, he opted to just arrange the books by height and colour. At least then it would look organised.

As he sorted, he thought about what he’d say to Alhaitham. He’d asked if he could give everything some thought before agreeing to live here, but that was more a delaying tactic than anything else. He had no real intentions of refusing the offer, because where else would he go? Maybe that made him selfish. He had to at least help lay out some ground rules first. If he was really going to be living here rent-free, he would need to make sure that they both understood each other’s intentions and expectations. There was no room for misunderstandings now.

Kaveh was arranging books and rehearsing his plans when Alhaitham returned. While Kaveh didn’t feel entirely ready to face his new roommate, he was relieved to see his briefcase safe in those strong hands. Alhaitham walked in and paused mid-stride when he saw Kaveh sitting cross-legged on the floor, surrounded by several knee-high piles of books.

“What are you doing?” Alhaitham proceeded cautiously as if he was approaching a bird that he was afraid of startling.

Kaveh pointedly placed a book down. “What does it look like? I’m organising your shelves.”

“I didn’t ask you to do that.”

“Well, I didn’t ask to be brought back to your place, but here we are.”

Alhaitham huffed and placed Kaveh’s briefcase down beside him. As soon as he walked off into the kitchen, Kaveh quickly checked the contents and was once again relieved to find that everything was still there.

“Did you do the dishes?” came Alhaitham’s voice from the kitchen.

“Only because you clearly don’t know how to wash them,” Kaveh called back.

Ahaitham stood in the kitchen entrance, his arms folded and hip leaning against the door frame. “What do you mean? I’ve been washing dishes for years and they’ve always been fine.”

“If ‘fine’ means close to posing a health risk, then sure, if you say so. You didn’t even lay the crockery in a way that they would actually dry. Stacking all the plates on top of each other will just trap the water!”

“Is there a specific way that I’m supposed to stack the dishes instead?”

“Yes! That’s common knowledge! Are all rich people this dense when it comes to basics of household chores?”

“Why do you assume that I’m rich?”

“You have a fancy coffee maker. Of course you’re loaded.”

Alhaitham shifted. He looked uncomfortable discussing the topic of his finances. “Well, if you’re such an expert at washing dishes then maybe you can take over from now on.”

“Actually,” Kaveh took a breath, “that’s part of what I wanted to talk to you about.”

Alhaitham nodded and settled his full weight against the doorframe. “I’m listening.”

Kaveh lay his hands in his lap. Sitting on the floor with Alhaitham towering over him, he felt so insignificant. “I gave it a lot of thought while you were gone, and if I’m going to stay here I think that it’s only fair if I take care of the housework. I don’t have much else to offer, and it’s the least I can do.”

Teal eyes bore into him. “Is that what you want?”

It’s more than I deserve.

Instead, Kaveh nodded. “I just have one condition though.”

Alhaitham perked up slightly. “And that is?”

“That you please don’t tell anyone what I’ve told you. And that you don’t ask any more questions about my life these past six months.”

Alhaitham’s jaw clenched. “I wouldn’t tell anyone about your private matters. And if you really insist, I won’t pry about your personal life. But I do think you should speak to someone about everything.”

“Noted.” Kaveh tried to hide his annoyance at the unsolicited advice. “I’ll get around to doing that.”

They both knew he was lying. Kaveh was grateful that Alhaitham at least didn’t press further. Not that it was any of his business. Why did he even care anyway? Did he get some sort of moral high ground out of lecturing others?

Alhaitham walked over and plucked a book from one of the neatly stacked piles. He skimmed the pages, frowning. “I was busy reading this. Did you take all the books I left around?”

“Duh, it was a mess.”

“Hmm. And I see you also helped yourself to my clothes.”

“I didn’t have anything else to wear! Besides, you let me borrow your clothes before, so why would this time be any different?”

Alhaitham placed the book down. “I suppose you’re right. But we should probably get you a few extra garments of your own. As cute as oversized clothes can be, it’s quite impractical.”

Kaveh blinked. Was Alhaitham calling him cute, or was it just the concept of anyone in clothes too big for them that was cute to him? Kaveh had so many questions, but instead, he asked, “You’re planning on buying me new clothes?”

“Well, as you so blatantly pointed out, I have the finances to do so.” He smirked. Kaveh threw a paperback at him.

*

Hours later, Kaveh sat on the couch trying to draw. He’d procrastinated by rearranging the shelves, sweeping the floors and doing a load of laundry. Alhaitham had locked himself in his room to read, so Kaveh had the lounge to himself. Hunched over, with his laptop on the coffee table and a sketchbook on his lap, Kaveh tapped his pencil on blank paper. He wanted to sketch, even if it was just for himself and not for an assignment. But perhaps the pressure of being in an entirely new workplace (and living space) was getting to him. He couldn’t produce so much as a single line.

Sighing, he resorted to rifling through his various art supplies and drawing equipment. He pulled out a scale divider and let himself get distracted by its functions. Alhaitham’s living room featured a few coffee table books, one of which was a complete Teyvat atlas. Kaveh flipped through random pages and checked the scale of various locations, partly out of interest and partly so that he could save the information for future use when it came to site planning. Even while actively avoiding coursework, he still somehow managed to find a way to enhance his studies.

Kaveh became so engrossed in the rhythm of his measurements that he almost didn’t notice what he was doing. On one double-page map of Western Teyvat, he had walked the divider across the rainforests of Sumeru until it settled on a neighbouring country. Fontaine. His subconscious was still thinking about Fontaine.

Scrunching his face at the pang in his chest, he pulled out his phone and reread the last messages his mom had sent him. After everything that had happened, maybe paying her a visit wouldn’t be such a bad idea. It would let Alhaitham be free of him for a while, at least. Perhaps by the time he returned, both of them would be feeling differently about this living arrangement.

Making up his mind, Kaveh strode on over to Alhaitham’s bedroom. The door was closed, and before Kaveh could second guess himself he was knocking.

“Haitham?” He cringed at the crack in his voice. “Can I come in?”

He heard Alhaitham make an affirmative noise on the other side. Kaveh entered, but felt unwilling to take more than a few steps into this private space. Alhaitham was stretched out on his bed, back propped up against a cushioned headboard with an open book pressed down against his chest. He blinked slowly, as if he had just woken up from a nap. There was a little twitch in his cheek and an upturn in his eyebrows as he regained his bearings. Kaveh couldn’t let himself get sidetracked by the unexpected sight of sleepy Alhaitham.

He cleared his throat. “Can we talk for a second?”

Alhaitham rubbed sleep out of his eye and turned to give Kaveh his undivided attention. Those tired eyes were still so intense. Who allowed this man to be this intimidating? 

“Sure,” Alhaitham grunted, placing his book down on the sheets beside him. “What’s on your mind?”

Kaveh sucked in a breath, mentally kicking himself for not rehearsing a speech before he entered. “I, um… Well, you see, I feel really bad that I’ve just been dumped into your personal space and - Okay, that’s not how it happened, but you know what I mean. It’s probably going to take some time to get used to this… This whole thing. For both of us, I mean.”

Alhaitham squinted at him. “Yes? That is correct, but I don’t -”

“I just want to let you know that I’ll be out of your hair in a couple of weeks. Temporarily,” Kaveh quickly clarified, realizing that he was in no position to be making plans to move out just yet. “I… I think I’m going to go away for the term break. I don’t know for how long yet, but hopefully as long as possible. That way you can have some of your freedom back.”

Alhaitham’s expression was unreadable. “Are you leaving to visit family?”

“Y-yeah… My mom moved away and I haven’t seen her in ages. I figured it was time to finally go see her, you know?”

Alhaitham started to say something but quickly stopped. “You asked me not to pry about your personal life, so I won’t. I’m not going to pretend like I know the ins and outs of your relationship with your family, but I get the impression that you’re not all that close if you didn’t even tell your mom that you’d been living rough for months. Will you be okay spending that much time with her?”

The concern in his voice took Kaveh by surprise. There was something knowing in the way Alhaitham said it, as if he was speaking from experience. 

“I…” Kaveh’s first instinct was to brush it off, but he couldn’t bring himself to. It was such a sensitive topic that he hadn’t properly discussed with anyone, not even Tighnari. He didn’t know how he would describe his relationship with his mother. She definitely cared about him and had raised him single-handedly for most of Kaveh’s life. But even as a child, Kaveh could tell that he wasn’t his mom’s main priority, or even that she reserved any passion for motherhood. Her focus had always been on her craft.

Now that he was an adult she had changed the way she interacted with him, and actually went out of her way to reach out to him. But the bitter part of Kaveh felt like it was too late. He still heard stories from the Kshahrewar faculty about how great of a student that prodigy named Faranak had been, and that Kaveh must have been so proud to be her son. But he only felt small in comparison. His mom was a good architect and a good scholar - but a scholar could never love a person the same way that they loved their work.

“I honestly don’t know,” Kaveh admitted. Was he about to spill every painful detail about his mother issues to the man who had taken him in? Probably not. But it felt good to speak those few words, to finally admit out loud that there was something he was unsure of and that it had haunted him all his life. It could have been a weight off his shoulders, but he was carrying too much to feel his load lighten.

Alhaitham hummed, sitting up straighter. “I see. Well, no matter how long you choose to spend away, you’ll still be welcome back here.”

“I -” Kaveh’s throat closed up. He had to try really hard to keep himself from crying. “I… don’t think I thanked you properly. Not just for today, and last night, but everything.”

Alhaitham’s face softened. “Do you want to thank me?”

Kaveh gave him a shaky nod. He clutched his hands close to his chest, in a silent prayer that he could keep the tears from falling while he was still in this room with Alhaitham’s eyes on him.

“Thank you. For everything, Haitham.”

Alhaitham nodded slowly. “You’re very welcome.”

Kaveh rushed out of there as fast as he could. The living room was too exposed, so he scrambled to lock himself in the bathroom instead, his back pressed against the door. He sank down onto the cold tiles and sobbed into his knees. The weight of everything was finally compressing him into a shape that was as small as he felt. But he still wasn’t small enough. He still hadn’t completely disappeared.

As Kaveh wept, he didn’t hear the gentle footsteps lingering outside the door, before they carefully faded away.

Chapter Text

Days passed, and they settled into a stiff rhythm in which Kaveh always tried to be as out of the way as possible. Alhaitham would come to sit in the lounge, and Kaveh would immediately jump up to clear all his papers and devices from the table. 

“You don’t have to move your stuff,” Alhaitham reminded him. “I know you’re busy, and this is where you work.”

Kaveh didn’t meet his eyes, only shrugging as he scooped his things up and settled them onto the couch cushion next to him. 

Sometimes Alhaitham would walk into the room and Kaveh would quickly stop what he was doing. He’d close his laptop, lock his phone or snap his sketchbook shut as soon as he sensed Alhaitham’s presence. Alhaitham tried not to let the reaction go to his head. Kaveh hadn’t lived with another person for a long time, and Alhaitham was too aware of how instinctual it was to try to look busy when another person entered your space. It was something even he had done as a child, hiding whatever book was in his hands whenever his grandmother came home. It wasn’t because he had secrets to keep. His therapist had told him that anxiety could make people do things that didn’t make sense, even to them. It was an infuriating fact for an intellectual like him, but it was the reality that both he and many others had to face.

Alhaitham kept to his usual routine. He had early morning classes on most days, while only a handful of his afternoons were free. In contrast, Kaveh rarely had to be ready before nine, and he only made the trek to campus to show his face for studio sessions to keep his attendance up. Their conflicting schedules meant that they didn’t see each other for most of the day.

Despite only needing to go to the university later in the day, Kaveh still woke up early to make both of them breakfast. He had berated Alhaitham for the lack of diverse ingredients in the fridge, to which Alhaitham could only argue that this wasn’t usually an “ingredients household.” He was used to buying whatever ready-made foods he could get his hands on so that he didn’t have to waste too much energy on cooking. Kaveh found this unacceptable, and Alhaitham ended up coming home with four grocery bags tucked under his arms as a peace offering.

Now that they were in the final days before term break, the academic atmosphere was a lot more relaxed, and some days Kaveh opted to work entirely from home. Alhaitham wasn’t sure exactly how his roommate spent the day, but by the time he got home from late classes, the house was spotless and dinner was already being made.

On one particular day, Alhaitham came home to the same domestic scene. Kaveh was in the kitchen, his back to the door as he stirred a pot of curry on the stove. A hazy aroma of the spices Alhaitham had recently bought filled the air. Kaveh had his hair tied back in a bun, with a bandana to keep his bangs from falling into his eyes while he worked. He was wearing a pair of red leggings - one of the many clothing items that he had picked out when Alhaitham dragged him along to stock up on a decent wardrobe - but the black hoodie with rolled-up sleeves and that came down to his mid-thigh was one of Alhaitham’s. Even with brand new outfits of his own, he was still a hoodie thief. Alhaitham didn’t mind. How could he when Kaveh looked so good in his clothes?

Alhaitham dropped his backpack onto one of the dining chairs. “Something smells good.”

Kaveh whipped around, a wooden spoon in his hand. His face was flushed from inhaling so many spices and the heat of the simmering curry he’d been leaning over. The pink in his cheeks matched those carmine eyes. “It’s butter chicken curry. I swear, I’m going to make sure that you taste as many good foods as possible to undo all the damage you’ve been doing to your palette.”

Alhaitham laughed. He walked over to the counter and switched on the coffee maker, reaching for two freshly-washed mugs on the drying rack. “That’s your plan? I thought you were trying to poison me, especially after that soup from the other night.”

“The soup was perfectly fine! It’s your taste buds that are out of whack.”

“Hmm. Coffee?”

“Yes, please. Can you make it with cream this time?”

“Already on it.”

Alhaitham handed Kaveh his mug and they both took their first sips. While Alhaitham didn’t particularly care about how his own brew was prepared, he paid special attention to how he made Kaveh’s coffee. After some trial and error, he’d finally landed on the perfect method, and he even learned that Kaveh enjoyed a dash of caramel syrup in his beverages. He felt a sense of pride at being able to figure out and adhere to Kaveh’s preferences.

Setting his mug down on the dining table, Alhaitham took a seat and pulled a book out of his backpack. He put his feet up on an empty chair and leaned back, flicking through the pages as he read.

“You know,” Kaveh said as he returned his attention to the pot, “instead of just sitting there, you could help with dinner.”

“You’re already almost done.” He didn’t look up from the paragraph he was on. “There’s no point in me getting involved now. Besides, you don’t even want me to cook.”

Kaveh shook his head. He scooped up a small amount of curry into his spoon and held it close to his lips, gently blowing to cool it down. Alhaitham tried not to stare as pink lips carefully slurped on the sauce and softly smacked as Kaveh considered the taste. Alhaitham couldn’t forget how soft those lips were. Fuck, he wished he could have them on him again.

Stop thinking like that, he warned himself. He’s your roommate, not some object to be desired. Get it together.

Kaveh hummed to himself and turned towards Alhaitham. “Does this taste alright to you? I think it might need more salt.”

He held out the wooden spoon in an offering. Alhaitham only stared at it as he processed Kaveh’s request.

“What?” Kaveh said when Alhaitham still didn’t move. “Are you still scared I’ll poison you? Because if I was, I wouldn’t do it when it would be so obvious that I’m the culprit.”

“No, I -” He stopped and took the spoon, all too aware of how Kaveh’s fingers brushed against his own in the exchange. He gave the spoon a tentative lick, but his focus wasn’t on the taste. He could only think about how this was practically an indirect kiss.

Seriously? An indirect kiss? What am I, a blushing schoolgirl?

“It tastes fine,” he concluded, handing the spoon back. His face felt warm, but maybe he could pass that off as a result of the spice.

Kaveh frowned, considering. His nose scrunched when he thought deeply. Alhaitham thought it was the most endearing thing he had ever seen. “Hmmm, I’ll just add more salt anyway. I don’t entirely trust your judgement when it comes to something so subjective.”

He returned to the stove and Alhaitham was able to pretend like he still knew how to read in peace. 

It wasn’t long before Kaveh had dished out bowls of curry and yellow rice for each of them and taken a seat at the table. He sighed as he perched on the chair, absent-mindedly tucking flyaway hairs back into his bandana. Spices and cream were smeared onto the front of his - Alhaitham’s - hoodie. Alhaitham briefly wondered if he should get Kaveh an apron, before quickly pushing the thought away. The idea of seeing Kaveh in an apron while he cooked was far too domestic. Too dangerous.

Kaveh was already tucking into his serving. Ever since moving in, he’d been eating more often. He was constantly munching on ingredients while he cooked - “taste-testing” was what he called it - and when dinner was ready he’d pile it high on his plate and go back for seconds afterwards. Sometimes Alhaitham would come to the kitchen late at night for a glass of water, only to find Kaveh digging through the cupboards for something to snack on while he drew. Kaveh ate and hoarded food like he wasn’t sure when his next meal would be, and Alhaitham was reminded of the fact that for a long time, Kaveh never knew when he’d eat something substantial again. At least now Kaveh seemed to be getting plumper, and Alhaitham made sure that he always bought enough of Kaveh’s favourite fruits to keep around the house.

Alhaitham kept his spoon in one hand and his book in the other. He’d asked for most dinners to consist of foods that were easier to consume while reading, but Kaveh had clearly ignored that request and opted to cook elaborate taste experiences instead. He couldn’t fault him for it, but he still wanted to be able to turn pages without worrying about making a huge mess.

As if reading his mind, Kaveh piped up, “Is that book so interesting that you’re just going to let your food get cold?”

Alhaitham looked up from his page, realizing that Kaveh was now on his second bowl, while he had barely touched his own. He’d been absent-mindedly scooping spoonfuls of rice into his mouth while he read, and now the ratio of rice to curry was off. Ugh.

“Sorry.” Alhaitham placed his book down and focused on eating.

Kaveh sat with his elbow propped up on the table and his cheek resting against his palm. He watched Alhaitham intently, probably gauging his reaction to the taste.

“What are you reading, anyway?” Kaveh asked, leaning over to get a peak at the cover.

Alhaitham held the paperback up to give Kaveh a better view. “Scanlon. What We Owe to Each Other .”

Kaveh scowled. “Is this what you read for enjoyment?”

“Yes, but it’s also required reading for next semester. I’ve read it before, but I figured I’d refresh my memory.”

“That’s for your philosophy class, right?”

Alhaitham was surprised. He never spoke to Kaveh about his studies, or even what classes he was taking. “Yes, that’s right. You knew I take philosophy?”

Kaveh waved his hand dismissively. “A friend of mine is in your class.”

“You have friends?”

“What? Of course, I do! What kind of question is that?”

“I just figured I’d ask. You’ve been here for over a week and you still haven’t mentioned going out with any friends.”

“They’re busy, okay? And it’s none of your business!”

Okay, sensitive topic. Noted. Don’t bring up his social life.

Alhaitham paused. “Can I tell you about my classes?”

“Uhh…” Kaveh looked confused by the request. “Sure, go ahead. I’m not going to stop you.”

“Well, you know that I’m majoring in linguistics, but I’m taking as many humanities courses as I can. Language is something that’s shaped by a lot of different things, so it only made sense that I try to broaden my horizons. I’ve taken classes on philosophy, anthropology, history, literature and archaeology.”

He lingered on that last word, hoping that it would stir something in Kaveh. Make him remember the class that they had shared together.

To his surprise, it actually worked. 

“Hmmm,” Kaveh mused. “I can’t say I know much about those other topics, but I also took a class on archaeology last year. Mostly just because the lecturer was highly acclaimed and I wanted to get some insight on ancient building structures and ruins.”

Alhaitham tried to hide his smile. “Yes, the class taught by Madam Faruzan, right? That’s the one I attended.”

“Huh. Small world.”

Alhaitham’s stomach was doing somersaults, but he pressed on and kept his cool. “So, did you get what you wanted out of it?”

“I guess so? I don’t know, maybe I was a bit too ambitious. I tried to use my knowledge from that class to design a palace, but it was a total disaster. I think I was forcing the creativity too much, you know? Like, I’d spent all this time learning about something new and I felt like I had to put it to good use. But I don’t think my heart was really in it, and it showed in my drawings. They were all so contrived.”

Alhaitham considered his next words carefully. “I remember you from that class. You answered most of Madam Faruzan’s questions correctly, even when no one else bothered to raise their hands. She seemed to be really impressed with your work. I don’t think that anything you did for that course was contrived, so it doesn’t make sense to me that your architectural work would lose quality after that experience. Maybe you just had to adjust to exploring new topics.”

Kaveh blinked. “I… Don’t even know where to start. You’re saying you remember me from that class? And you didn’t say anything?”

“It didn’t come up.” I’ve been waiting to bring it up. “I don’t remember much, just that you were very vocal in class besides looking hungover most days.”

“I was not hungover! For your information, I’d been staying up all night to complete projects since that class was supplementary to my major. The workload was twice as much for me, and Madam Faruzan loved assigning new essays every week!”

“Sounds like an excuse.” Alhaitham gave a teasing smirk. “It was supplementary to most people. I think you were just too hellbent on doing too much.”

“Shut up! If you want to tell me about all your stupid classes, just tell me. You don’t have to psychoanalyse all my past mistakes.”

Alhaitham smiled and continued. “The humanities can be quite content-heavy, but they’re also really rewarding. There’s so much that we take for granted about arts and culture and learning the origins of such things can give you a much better understanding of yourself and your surroundings.”

Kaveh nodded. “Alright, I’m following so far. You never really struck me as someone interested in the arts, though.”

“Why not? The arts are a massive part of human history and they are often influenced by cultural attitudes of the time. There’s a lot to be interested in.”

Kaveh rested his chin in both his hands. “So you’re someone who needs to uncover the meaning behind the art, am I correct?”

“That’s right. Is that not what you do?”

Kaveh snorted. “My major has nothing to do with hidden meaning. Maybe if I had chosen a more artistically inclined path, then sure, I’d be coming up with themes that say something about the world and how we live in it. But my focus is just on creating the spaces we stay in, not questioning why we’re here at all.”

“But would you like to create something with meaning?”

“Ugh, I don’t know.” Kaveh twirled a loose piece of hair between his fingers and studied the wood grain on the table. “Everything I make only has to be presentable and practical. As long as something works and it’s easy on the eyes, it can make for a suitable structure. I don’t have much room for anything else.”

“That doesn’t answer my question.”

“What do you want me to say? That I hate architecture, and that I regret everything?”

“I only want you to be honest. If not with me, then with yourself.”

Kaveh sighed and turned his head away, cupping his neck as he rubbed at an area of tension. “Architecture is all I know. It’s what I’m good at. ”

Alhaitham placed his spoon down. “So, when you graduate, what’s your plan?”

“Honestly, I can’t afford to think that far ahead. My life this past year has just been about making it to the next day. I guess, it would help to be out of university and to get a job so that I can actually support myself. But I don’t know if I’m ready for that yet.”

“I kind of understand that,” Alhaitham admitted. “I’m planning on staying to get a few different qualifications before I enter the workforce. I told my grandmother that it’s because the humanities can be a difficult field to break into without tons of experience, but mostly I just enjoy studying. I’d rather keep learning for as long as possible than rush towards some arbitrary life milestone.”

“Really? I would have thought that you had a five-year plan or something to that extent.”

“I do. Five years from now, I still want to be here.”

Kaveh sat back in his seat, hands folded on his lap. “Hmm. So you like stability.”

“Doesn’t everyone?”

“Yeah, but it’s not something that’s always attainable. Not all of us can afford to be scholars forever.”

Alhaitham couldn’t think of anything to say to that. He knew he was in a position of privilege, especially when compared to Kaveh, but he didn’t know what to do with that. He didn’t want this life, but he had inherited it from his parents anyway. If Kaveh knew that he was a trust fund child, he’d probably laugh. All of that money meant nothing to Alhaitham. He’d rather spend it on supporting people who were important to him, like his grandmother. Or Kaveh.

Kaveh got up and cleared the table. He ran hot water in the sink to wash the remaining dirty dishes and packed away the leftovers. 

“When are you leaving?” Alhaitham winced when he said it, blatantly aware of how badly the question had come out.

“Saturday.” Kaveh scrubbed the pot. “My mom bought a plane ticket for the morning, so I’ll probably be gone before you wake up.”

Saturday. Three days from now. And then Kaveh would be gone for two weeks. Alhaitham shouldn’t have felt so much dread at being left alone. After all, he’d been living alone for almost two years. But he had just gotten used to having Kaveh around. The house would feel empty without him.

“Do you need anything for the trip? I might have a neck pillow you can use while you’re on the plane.”

Even with his back to him, Alhaitham could see enough of Kaveh’s face to notice the corner of his mouth twitch. “No, I’ll be alright. It’s only a two-hour flight. I’ll probably just draw, or watch a movie.”

“Okay. Let me know if you need anything else.”

“I will.”

*

On the last day of term, Alhaitham was surprised to find that Kaveh hadn’t made his usual full breakfast. He’d settled on simply making toast for them both, barely able to even butter it. Alhaitham didn’t think much of it. Kaveh was leaving soon, and maybe he was too busy preparing.

He found that he was sorely mistaken when he arrived back home that evening. He’d spent a little longer at campus than usual, returning a few books that had to be back in the library before the semester officially ended. So he thought that, based on the usual time he got back, dinner would be ready by the time he got home. But when he opened the front door he wasn’t greeted by the welcoming smell of a homecooked meal, but rather Kaveh curled up on the couch in a heap of blankets.

Alhaitham froze. He couldn’t see Kaveh’s face under the sheets, but he could hear his quiet sniffling. Something was wrong.

“Kaveh?” He dropped his backpack and quietly approached, kneeling down by the couch. He could see how Kaveh was shaking as he tried to contain his sobs.

Alhaitham held the blankets by his fingertips, pausing in his movements. “Kaveh,” he spoke gently, “I’m going to pull the blankets away now.”

He got no response, and so he did as he intended. Kaveh’s face was pressed into his pillow, where a wet spot on the pillowcase gave away his state. His eyes were red and puffy. His hair had come loose and some of it was stuck to his tear-soaked cheeks. He hid his face in shame.

“Don’t look at me,” he mumbled.

Alhaitham brushed his knuckles against Kaveh’s hair. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“No,” Kaveh groaned. “Yes. I don’t know.”

“Is this about going to see your mom tomorrow?”

“Yes. No… Kind of.” He groaned louder into the pillow. “Today is just a bad day.”

“I don’t think there are any bad days. Just bad circumstances.”

Kaveh turned his head to look at him. The annoyance on his face was evident, and Alhaitham was just grateful that he managed to make him feel anything other than despair.

“No bad days? What about the day that marks the time your life went to shit?”

Alhaitham blinked. What does that mean? He didn’t want to pry, but he couldn’t help himself. “Excuse me?”

Kaveh exhaled. “Today is the anniversary of… Of my dad’s death.”

Oh. So that’s why he was acting off this morning. Has he been in this state all day?

“I’m sorry,” was all Alhaitham could say. “I didn’t know. It must be really hard for you to have to deal with that right before leaving to see family.”

“Yeah, you think?” Kaveh scoffed, but his eyes were still glassy with tears. “Please, just leave me alone. If you want dinner, there are probably still leftovers from last night. I’m not hungry.”

“I’m not leaving you.”

“Please.” Kaveh choked on a sob. “I just… I need to get through this. I’ll be better tomorrow.”

Alhaitham sat cross-legged on the floor. “And I’ll be here while you work through that.”

“Haitham, please, you don’t understand.”

“Maybe I don’t. But I can offer support.”

“I don’t need your support.”

“I trust that. You’re very capable. But I’m still staying with you.”

“Haitham, I -”

“I know how you feel, Kaveh. I’ve also experienced the same kind of loss.”

Kaveh’s head lifted at that. “You…?”

Alhaitham gave him a small, soft smile. “Both of my parents died when I was very young. I don’t remember much about them. I actually barely knew them. My grandmother raised me on her own.”

Kaveh blinked the tears out of his eyes. “I… I was also really young when my dad died.”

“Wow. So, we have something in common after all.”

Kaveh almost laughed. Almost. Alhaitham took it as a sign to keep going.

“Apparently, my father used to read even more than I do. I’ve been told that he would attend gatherings with friends with a book in hand, often ignoring opportunities for conversation.”

Now Kaveh did laugh. “Yeah, that sounds about right.”

“Both he and my mother were students at this same university, and they went on to teach there too. My mother was a history professor, and my father taught the study of ancient languages and runes at Haravatat. Apparently, their research overlapped a lot and they’d often get into academic debates together in front of their classes. Still, they collaborated on projects well and made a lot of breakthroughs together. My grandmother still has many of their old research papers stored away.”

Kaveh was fully paying attention, his focus assumingly away from his grief. Was this why so many people shared so much of themselves during conversations? Alhaitham had never talked about himself, or his family, for this long before and he had never seen the point in it. Why would anyone care to listen to him tell pointless personal anecdotes when so much of socialising was just waiting for a turn to speak again? He’d never considered that sharing details about himself could not only be interesting to others but also helpful. That someone could relate to his stories and take comfort in his words.

And so, Alhaitham kept talking. “Most of the books you saw on the shelf were from my parents’ personal library. When they died, I inherited everything of theirs. I was only a little kid, so I didn’t really know what to do with any of it, but as soon as I learned how to read I started making my way through their collection. A lot of it was really dense academic journals that both of my parents had severely annotated with their own notes and corrections, but I got through most of them by the time I was seven. My grandmother thought I was a prodigy who should immediately be promoted to a higher grade, but the stuff they taught in school never really interested me so I didn’t excel at it. Even now, I still mostly only put effort into courses and assignments that I enjoy, but if it were up to me I’d just read all day. Academia has never truly been my strong suit, and I tend to keep a low profile in most of my classes so that the lecturers don’t come to expect too much from me. Learning is more like a hobby for me, and I don’t want to turn my hobbies into a profession.”

Kaveh sat up, holding a pillow close to his chest. His eyes were still red and he still gave the occasional sniff, but he seemed to be in a much better state than before. “What do you remember about your parents?”

“That my father let me sit on his lap while he read, and my mother smelt like an archive.”

Kaveh let out a breath. “I barely remember anything about my dad. I think he bought me my first sketchbook and set of art supplies, but those were lost long ago. He was a very kind and supportive person, and I have this one clear memory of him checking on my mom while she was up late working on a project for one of her clients. It was way past my bedtime, but I had just gotten a new set of Legos for my birthday and I wanted to play with them every chance I got. Anyway, I was trying to sneak into the lounge to check on the fortress I’d been building on the coffee table when I saw that the light was on in my mom’s study. She was hunched over her desk, complaining about something I didn’t understand at the time, and my dad just… sat with her and listened. Maybe he didn’t understand what she was saying either, but he didn’t seem to let that stop him. Obviously, they caught me spying on them and sent me straight to bed. But they never got angry, and I think my dad even laughed when he saw me misbehaving.”

Alhaitham slowly got up off the floor and sat down next to him on the couch. Kaveh didn’t protest, or even react at all to having Alhaitham so close to him. They were about a ruler’s length apart, and if Alhaitham shifted in a certain way his knee could brush against Kaveh’s. He didn’t do that, though. He still wanted to respect his roommate’s boundaries.

“Was your father also an artist?” Alhaitham kept his hands resting on his knees to keep himself from reaching out to hold Kaveh.

“Oh, far from it.” Kaveh laughed. “Honestly, I don’t know what he did for a living. I was too young to really pick up on it, and we never really talked about him after he died. Mom was an architect, though. Still is. She also attended the same university, and was some great golden child of the Darshan. I can’t go five minutes in class without some faculty member comparing me to her.”

Alhaitham frowned. “I’m sorry. That sounds like it’s a lot of pressure.”

“Meh, I’m used to it by now. I mean, don’t you get the same treatment? Both your parents worked there, so surely some of your lecturers bring it up?”

He shook his head. “It doesn’t happen as often as you’d think. I try not to stand out, and most lecturers are too afraid to even mention my parents. They probably think I’m too fragile and that hearing about them would break me.”

“I can’t really blame them for thinking that,” Kaveh said. “That’s what happened with my mom. She stopped seeing her friends after a while because they all reminded her of the gatherings that she would have with them and my dad.”

“Is that why she moved away?”

“I guess so. I think she mostly wanted to get away from me though.”

“Don’t say that. She clearly wants to see you if she’s flying you out to a different country to spend time with you.”

“Probably because I’m easier to deal with in small doses. She wouldn’t even look at me those last few years I still lived with her. I moved out as soon as I started university and used my first payment from my scholarship for a dingy apartment nearby. She didn’t visit me once. And then she emigrated to Fontaine halfway through my first year studying.”

Hearing such details of Kaveh’s home life made Alhaitham understand why he felt so much like a burden. He was treated like one, whether intentionally or not. Kaveh didn’t deserve such a miserable fate. He was too kind and too hard on himself for that.

“Are you going to talk to her about this?” Alhaitham questioned. “When you see her tomorrow?”

Kaveh rubbed his eyes. “I don’t know. Maybe? Things might be kinda tense once I get there, and I don’t want to make the entire stay unbearable by immediately dropping all this on her.”

Alhaitham nodded. “Take your time. See how comfortable and safe you feel first. And if you need someone to talk to, you can still text me while you’re gone.”

Kaveh dropped his hand and met Alhaitham’s eyes. His head was tilted slightly to the side and his lips were parted. “Thank you. Um, I’m sorry for being such an asshole to you before… I think I might have had the wrong impression of you. You’re a good friend, Haitham.”

Friend. He finally accepts me as his friend. The word warmed Alhaitham’s heart. He was more than happy with that.

“It’s no problem at all,” Alhaitham said. “Would you like me to get you some tissues?”

Kaveh nodded. Alhaitham fetched the tissue box from the bathroom and came back to sit with him. They talked for hours afterwards, mostly about trivial things or their respective fields of interest. It was the most engaging conversation Alhaitham had ever had.

*

Kaveh had kept his word. When Alhaitham woke up the next morning, his roommate had already left. The couch was stripped of his bedding and the art supplies that usually littered the coffee table were nowhere to be seen.

The house was uncomfortably quiet.

*

Kaveh wished that the flight had been longer. Two hours was nowhere near long enough for him to mentally prepare himself. But the plane arrived on time against his wishes, and his feet moved to the gates of Fontaine airport against his will.

Do I look okay? he wondered. It had been a long time since either of them had seen each other’s faces. Would his mom hate the way he looked? The way he was dressed? He’d let his hair stay loose, save for two small braids that he’d tied together at the back. Before he’d left the house he had considered doing his makeup but decided against it. Rather play it safe. Jeans, sneakers, hoodie. Comfortably unremarkable.

He kept walking until he spotted her. She was perched on one of those uncomfortable metal chairs, but she kept a perfect posture. Her outfit consisted of a long, layered skirt with a mix of different patterns on it and a simple white blouse. Her blond hair looked lighter than usual, and she had it pulled back into a braided updo. She didn’t seem to notice him, engrossed in the large glass wall to her right where there was a perfect view of the planes and runway.

Kaveh took a deep breath. He had a gym bag that Alhaitham had lent him slung over one shoulder, and the handle of his trusty briefcase clenched in his opposite hand. With fake confidence, he strode over to where she was seated.

“Hi, Mom.”

Faranak turned to look at him. At first, she didn’t seem to process what she was seeing. For a horrible second, Kaveh wondered if this was maybe a mistake and she didn’t want him here at all. But then her face softened and she rose to her feet.

“Kaveh,” she breathed and pulled him into an embrace. She squeezed, and Kaveh had to try not to drop his briefcase as he fumbled to hug her back. Up close, he could see that the reason her hair looked so light was that there were streaks of silver peaking through the blond. The scent of her perfume was unfamiliar, but that was to be expected. She’d made a whole new life in a foreign country, so her preferences had most definitely changed.

“You’ve gotten so much taller,” she commented, pulling back. “Did you have a growth spurt?”

“No, Mom. I stopped growing when I was seventeen. I’m still the same height.”

“I could have sworn you were a lot smaller when I last saw you.” She pulled back, hand pressed against her chin as she studied him.

“Maybe I was just slouching.”

“That’s no good. You know that slouching is bad for your back. You’re not going to be able to live a long, healthy life of creating if you don’t take care of your posture.”

“Yes, Mom. I know that. But thank you, I appreciate it.”

She shook her head, a ghost of a smile on her face. “You look so much like your father. If your hair wasn’t longer than mine, I could have easily mistaken you for him.”

Kaveh’s jaw tightened. He was barely two minutes into this reunion, and already he was reminding her of her greatest loss. He’d hoped that wouldn’t be the case. The lecturers in Kshahrewar made a big fuss about how much he looked like his mother, yet Faranak could still only see his dad in him. Kaveh wasn’t even sure who he most resembled. He felt like he was torn between two parents, both of which had left him behind in some way.

He forced a smile. “The aunties at uni say I look like you. Though they’re always talking about you and how proud they are to have taught such an esteemed alumnus.”

She laughed, and it was a sound that Kaveh hadn’t heard in years. Maybe moving away really was good for her. She was no longer a ghost of her former self who lived only to pump out designs and occasionally check that her child was still eating. She looked happy. Kaveh tried not to feel bitter that it could only happen after she had distanced herself from him.

They took the train into town. Fontaine was so much more breathtaking in person. Massive skyscrapers towered over the city in the distance, outdone only by the jagged mountains and cliffs that were dispersed across the landscape. Surrounding the city were forests and bodies of water so large that Kaveh couldn’t tell if they were lakes, rivers, or even just the ocean. Aquaducts cut through the area, and he wondered if there was a dam nearby. There were sleek, classic bridges leading into the city, and a few ships were gathered in a harbour. He was reminded of the trips he had taken with his family to Port Ormos when he was a child. The style of the two places was vastly different, but the liveliness felt the same.

They got off at the train station and hopped on a bus for the rest of the way. The centre of town was all cobblestone streets and granite buildings, much closer to the quaint scenes he had admired in his mom’s photography. Kaveh rested his head against the window and took in the little bakeries, the flower shops, the marble columns of government buildings, and the archways of the museums. No wonder his mom liked it here. It was cute, the kind of place an artist would retreat to when searching for inspiration. It wasn’t difficult to see why someone as creative as Faranak would thrive in this city.

“This is our stop.” Faranak stood up and Kaveh followed her off the bus. The public transport system here operated much more frequently than it did in Sumeru, which was partly why Kaveh usually opted to walk everywhere instead.

They made their way through a few busy streets until they reached Faranak’s flat. It was a two-story space in a semi-detached building, but the inside was a lot more cramped than the exterior made it seem to be. Kaveh noted that it was because the “second story” was actually a loft, and the flat wasn’t that deep. He estimated that it couldn’t have been more than 500 square feet.

There was a tiny hallway, where a wooden hat and umbrella stand was placed. Faranak placed her keys down in the ceramic bowl on the stand and headed to the kitchen unit up ahead. 

“Make yourself at home,” she said.

Kaveh didn’t know how to do that. He glanced around and saw that there was a small living room space to his right, where Farank had set up a blow-up mattress. He assumed that was where he would be sleeping, so he placed his luggage down next to the sofa and joined his mom in the kitchen.

She switched on the kettle and browsed her cupboards. “Would you like some tea? Coffee? I found these instant vanilla latte sticks that I’ve been dying to try. You like vanilla, right?”

Kaveh smiled and sat down at the round dining table. “Yeah, that sounds perfect.”

While she prepared their drinks, Kaveh took in his surroundings. There was a back door in the kitchen with a paned window that let in a lot of natural light. Outside, he could see bougainvillaeas growing in the alleyway next to the building, and those same flowers rested in a vase on the dining table as if Faranak regularly picked fresh flowers for her kitchen. Steel pots and pans hung from hooks beneath panelled wooden cupboards, and he even spotted a few Sumeru spices in clear jars on the counter. Did Fontaine have Sumeru foods? He suddenly wished that he had brought along some local fruits or street food to gift to his mom. Who knows when the last time she had tasted home was?

Faranak set their drinks down in large, white ceramic mugs. They seemed to be a part of the same set. Kaveh had gotten used to drinking out of mismatched, sometimes chipped mugs, so he appreciated being in a space with someone who prioritised beauty as much as he did.

“Thank you.” He took a sip. It was sweet and milky, which he liked, but the fact that it was instant meant that something was missing. It didn’t compare to the coffee that Alhaitham made for him back home.

Home? Is that what I’m calling it now? It wasn’t an objectively incorrect descriptor, but it felt strange nonetheless.

Faranak smiled. In the two years since he had last seen her, his mother had aged. There were crows feet under her eyes and her once perfectly smooth skin was now softly wrinkling. It didn’t change how radiant she was. In a room full of people, she would still outshine everyone.

“How have your projects been going?” She leaned on the table. “Is there anything you would like my input on?”

Of course, this is the first thing she asks. No “How are you, Kaveh? I missed you. Have you had a warm place to sleep and regular meals?” 

He couldn’t entirely fault her for it. Architecture was their one common language. Without it, they would communicate even less than they already did.

Wordlessly, he fetched his sketchbook and handed it over. Faranak flipped through the pages, humming approvingly at the perspective studies and design thumbnails. She gave a few suggestions for composition and technique, and Kaveh tried to listen. She asked questions about the notes he left beside his drawings, drilling him on plans for construction materials, structural support and hypothetical budgets. She was in the middle of chiding him for his sloppy line weight when she turned the page and stopped.

“Oh? What’s this?”

Kaveh checked what she was referring to. Pressed between the pages were the two mourning flowers that Tighnari had given him. He’d forgotten that those were there.

Faranak held up the drying flowers and studied them. “Is this part of your design plans?”

Kaveh wanted to laugh, but he held back. “Um, no, that’s just some flowers a friend gave to me. As a thank you for watering his plants while he was away.”

“Ah, I see. Interesting.”

She was about to move on to critiquing more of his work, but Kaveh couldn’t let the moment pass just like that. “They reminded me of Dad. The flowers.”

Faranak stilled. She looked at Kaveh, then back down at the pressed plants on the page. “I’m… afraid I don’t see it.”

Kaveh’s lips compressed. How could he explain this in a way that made sense? Sure, art was subjective, but claiming that some random plant reminded him of his dead father? He’d surely need to back that up with sources in the correct academic format.

“The colour,” he said desperately. “See, it’s the same red as his eyes? And my eyes.”

Faranak folded her hands on the tabletop. “Kaveh -” 

“And look!” He was grasping at straws now, but he leaned over the table to point at the petals. “You see this drooping bell shape? It kind of makes the flower look sad, which contrasts against its more vibrant -”

“Kaveh,” she repeated. “I… I’m sorry.”

He blinked. “For what?”

She shook her shoulders in an attempt to regain her composure. “I should have reached out to you yesterday. I know it must have been hard on you too, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I miss him too much.”

Kaveh swallowed and sat back in his chair. “I miss him too.”

Were they finally talking about his dad? Kaveh couldn’t believe it. It had been over fifteen years since they had discussed him in any significant way. Maybe now they would both heal.

His mom smiled shakily. “Actually, there’s a reason I invited you here.”

Oh. This didn’t sound good. Kaveh braced himself, gripping his thighs under the table as he said, “Yes? What’s the reason?”

“I’ve…” She looked like she was trying to choose her words carefully, but she resigned into a soft sigh. “I’ve met someone.”

“Oh.” Kaveh’s grip on his legs tightened. “You have?”

She nodded, a faraway look in her eyes. “We actually met in a cafe, can you believe it? That sounds like something out of a cheesy rom-com. I wanted you to meet him while you’re here, because… Well, we’re getting married.”

This was a lot to take in all at once. From thinking they were going to discuss his dad, only for his mom to reveal that she had found someone else; the fact that she hadn’t invited him here because she missed him, but rather to introduce him to the new life she was building without him; even the fact that she was engaged, and hadn’t once thought to tell him. His palms pressed against the rough denim of his jeans, no doubt leaving red marks on his already rough hands.

Kaveh put on his sweetest smile. “I’m happy for you, Mom.”

She looked relieved, like that was exactly what she had wanted to hear. “Oh, thank you, Kaveh. I can’t wait for you to meet him. I think you two would get along. He’s the one who gifted me the coffee we’re drinking.”

Kaveh only nodded, the taste of vanilla feeling overbearing in his mouth. “I can’t wait too.”

*

He met his mom’s future husband a few days later. They had lunch together at the cafe where they had their meet-cute, of all places. He seemed like a decent guy. There were no red flags that Kaveh could pick up on, and after several failed relationships he had become an expert at spotting red flags in men. 

His mom looked happy with her fiance. Who was Kaveh to ruin her life once again?

*

Kaveh couldn’t sleep. He’d spent a week in his mom’s flat, but he still wasn’t used to the unfamiliar walls or the loud street just outside the front door. Living in the heart of the city had some perks, but a restful night was not one of them.

He checked his phone. It was 1 AM. His mom was asleep up in the loft, and he didn’t want to disturb her, so making a midnight snack to pass the time was out of the question. Instead, he lay back on the blow-up mattress and scrolled through his messages. He caught sight of Alhaitham’s name, and he remembered what he had said. How he could reach out if he needed anything.

Fuck it, Kaveh thought as he typed out a message.

Me: Hey

Me: You up?

It didn’t take long for Alhaitham to reply.

Alhaitham: Is that a pickup line?

Me: …

Alhaitham: That was a joke.

Me: I couldnt tell

Alhaitham: Should I use tone indicators next time? Sorry, that was /j.

Me: That would be helpful

Alhaitham: Noted /gen

Alhaitham: What time is it over there?

Me: 1 am

Me: And by you?

Alhaitham: 2 AM.

Me: Huh, a one hour time zone difference

Me: Also what are you doing up at 2 am???

Alhaitham: What are you doing up at 1 AM?

Me: You first

Alhaitham: Reading.

Me: I should have known

Me: I can’t sleep

Me: The street outside this flat is so busy

Me: Who knew that living in a city centre would be this loud?

Alhaitham: A lot of people, I’m assuming.

Me: Was that /srs or /j

Alhaitham: /srs.

Alhaitham: Are you coping out there?

Me: Eh

Me: Kind of

Me: My mom is getting married

Alhaitham: Oh. Congratulations?

Me: I’ll be sure to pass on your well wishes to her /j

Alhaitham: Oh, so you’ve told her about me? /lh.

Me: No of course not

Me: She doesn’t know that you exist

Alhaitham: Rude.

Alhaitham: /j

Me: Relax, she doesn’t even know about any of my friends

Me: All she talks to me about is architecture

Me: And now also her new fiance

Alhaitham: Sounds lonely /gen.

Me: It is!! I feel like I’m not even supposed to be here

Me: Like

Me: She seems so much better off without me around

Me: Idk, don’t listen to me

Me: It’s late at night, the feelings are bound to start creeping up on me again

Me: I’ll be normal tomorrow

Alhaitham: If it’s any consolation, I think you make places better just by being in them.

Alhaitham: /gen

Kaveh reread the last two messages over and over again. It was sweet, and exactly what he needed to hear. How did Alhaitham manage to say all the right things? Was it some kind of language student magic that he was unaware of?

His cheeks felt warm. Was he blushing? No, that couldn’t be. But he couldn’t think of another reasonable explanation.

Me: Thank you

Me: That means a lot

Me: /gen

Alhaitham: I miss you.

Kaveh waited for a message clarifying the tone, but one didn’t come. This was completely up to interpretation. That was dangerous.

Me: I miss you too

Me: Apparently Fontaine cafes are supposed to be top tier, but the coffee that they serve here is pretty subpar

Me: It’s nothing like yours

Alhaitham: So you miss my coffee?

Me: I miss a lot of things. The coffee is one of them

Alhaitham: What else do you miss?

Me: I miss the food 

Me: Mom took me to a sumeru cuisine restaurant here, but it wasn’t authentic

Me: I could get better dishes from food trucks

Alhaitham: I know one that sells pretty good pita pockets. They have hummus, chickpeas, roasted vegetables, yoghurt. All the foods you force me to eat.

Me: Uuuuugggghhhh that sounds divine

Me: Thanks a lot, now I’m hungry /s

Alhaitham: Should I take you there when you get back?

Me: Please

Me: I need something to look forward to

Alhaitham: Alright, I will then.

Alhaitham: You should try to get some sleep.

Alhaitham: You don’t want to mess up your sleep schedule too much during your time off.

Me: Joke’s on you, my sleep schedule was already messed up

Me: I literally cant mess it up any further

Me: It would be physically impossible

Alhaitham: K

Alhaitham: I need to sleep though.

Alhaitham: Good night then.

Me: Night

Me: Dream of books, or whatever nerds like you love

Me: /j

Kaveh rolled over and set his phone down beside him. He felt a lot better after talking to Alhaitham. Safer. Calmer. 

Nope, we’re not unpacking this right now, he told himself as he yanked the duvet over his head. That’s future Kaveh’s problem.

It still took him a long time to fall asleep, and when he finally did, his dreams were filled with the smell of old books and soft hoodies on his skin.

Chapter Text

“What are these?” Faranak asked, lingering on a page in the sketchbook.

Kaveh leaned over the dining table to see what she was referring to. She’d flipped to the back of his sketchbook, where he kept more personal art that wasn’t related to his studies. They were mostly class doodles and silly comics, but there was also a large number of portraits. Some were of random people he saw in class and at the library, but there was also a significant number of more rendered sketches of the people he cared about. Drawings he’d done of Cyno while waiting for the other to end a particularly long turn during TCG battles, or portraits of Tighnari and Collei that were referenced from old photos he had of their previous hangouts.

“Oh.” His face flushed. “Those are just sketches of some of my classmates and friends. I did them in my spare time.”

He didn’t feel exactly confident in his ability to draw faces. After all, facial proportions were so confusing and he couldn’t measure out straight lines without making the subject look off. Still, he enjoyed drawing people exactly because they were softer and required more loose lines. He could just draw without thinking about the logistics, so drawing his friends became a reliable source of comfort over time.

Faranak studied the portraits with a sharp eye. “These remind me of the drawings I used to do while out with friends.” She let out a wistful sigh while she turned the pages. “Oh, who’s this? There’s a whole double-page spread of just one person.”

Kaveh’s ears turned red when he saw what she was referring to. Sure enough, laid out on two pages were countless drawings of Alhaitham. He’d done all those sketches from memory, not willing to let Alhaitham catch him sneaking glances from across the room. The portraits looked enough like him, but the expressions felt off. Rarely did Alhaitham’s face truly reveal what he was thinking or feeling, and that turned drawing him into a herculean task. When Kaveh had roughed out those drawings, he had told himself that he was just trying to figure out how to draw such an emotionless face. Yes. That’s all there was to it.

“Um… That’s, uh, my roommate.”

“Roommate?” Faranak looked at him. “I don’t remember you having a roommate. Isn’t your apartment too small for two people?”

Kaveh bit his lip. “I moved out.” Not exactly a lie. “Got a bigger place, and split the cost with someone.”

“Oh, I see.” Her fingertips stroked the marked paper. “I’m happy to hear that. I was worried that living alone wouldn’t be good for you. You always craved so much attention.”

Did I really crave attention? Or was I just trying to get you to acknowledge me?

He nodded. “It’s been good. Aside from getting him to clean up after himself.”

She smiled. “That’s the risk you take when you let someone new into your space. But wouldn’t you say it’s worth it?”

His lip twitched. “What do you mean?”

“To have a companion. Even if they’re difficult, or not what you expected, isn’t it nice to have someone you can trust in your life?”

Kaveh shifted in his seat. Was his mom giving him relationship advice? He couldn’t be sure and this was completely unfamiliar territory. He’d never told her about his past flings. Hell, he hadn’t even come out to her. Maybe he was just misinterpreting her words. Or not.

“Um, it’s not really like that… We haven’t been living together for that long, so ‘companion’ might be too strong of a word. More like… I don’t know, confidants?”

His mom hummed to herself. “Is that what the kids are calling it now? Well, if you say so. But even so, you shouldn’t forget the most important thing.” The unspoken question was clear on his face, so she continued. “Companionship. Being an artist can be incredibly lonely. It helps when you have someone by your side, who will support you through all those ups and downs. I hope that you can one day find that.”

Kaveh picked at his cuticles. “I don’t know, Māmān . I’ve tried, but I don’t think I’m cut out for that. Everyone I thought I loved either left or wasn’t who I thought they were.”

“Then find someone who will stay.”

She said it like it was the simplest thing in the world. Maybe it was for her. But Kaveh wasn’t so blessed.

He breathed slowly as he prepared himself for his next words. “Why did you leave Sumeru?”

He thought that his question would evoke some reaction out of his mom, but she only blinked slowly at him with a soft expression. Like she had not only expected him to ask, but that she had been waiting on it for a long time.

“I thought I needed a change.” She laced her fingers together. “But really, I think I was just trying to run away. It didn’t really matter to me where I went because there wasn’t any one place that I could call my home. Home isn’t just a building, Kaveh . Usually, it’s a person. Your father was that person.”

“And what about me?” The words rushed out of him, and he tried to hide the crack in his voice. “Was I not your home anymore? Was I not worth staying?”

He pressed his palms against the tabletop to keep it from shaking. It was to no avail, and Faranak reached over and cupped his hands in hers. Despite her many years of hard work, her hands were perfectly soft. Yet another thing she got right that I didn’t, he brooded as he thought about his own hands, calloused from gripping his drawing tools too hard.

“Oh, jigar. ” The endearment sounded foreign in her voice. “I never intended to leave you. You had already moved out by then, and you seemed happy to continue your studies. I was under the impression that you’d be fine without me. You were always such a self-sufficient child, never asking for anything and finding your own ways to keep busy. Surely, you didn’t still need your old mother around after you’d grown up?”

Kaveh closed his eyes. He wanted to scream. He wished he had the courage to rip out every repressed emotion he’d been archiving since he was young. To lay himself bare, and point to all the ways that his mother’s actions and inaction had hurt him. How he came to look for her in her study, after days of not seeing her in the house, only to find that his child's brain was incapable of expressing how neglected he felt. And so, he resorted to asking her about her work, and that was the only prompting she responded to.

“You could have come to see me.” The shakiness in his voice was only becoming more noticeable. “Not once did you ask to see where I lived.”

“Would you have let me into your space?”

Kaveh wanted to say yes, but he hesitated. He didn’t know.

Faranak squeezed his hands. “You’re a good child, Kaveh. But you inherited all your worst qualities from me. I know what it’s like to isolate yourself from people who care about you. I’m still struggling not to do it.”

Kaveh didn’t know what else he could say. Maybe it was enough just to hear his mom admit her faults, even if it didn’t make up for the lonely years he had spent dealing with her mistakes. Whatever , the bitter part of him thought. At least this trip wasn’t a waste.

He hummed to himself. “Is that why you’re so obsessed with this idea of ‘companionship’ now? To overcorrect?”

“I suppose that’s one way of looking at it. I like to think that I’ve grown and matured. We’ve both made a lot of mistakes, and you’re still young so you’re bound to make so many more. But you can’t shut everyone out forever. You have to let people help you. Including me. If you need anything, anything at all , don’t forget that you can still ask me. I may live here now, but I’m still your mother and I’m trying to do better for you.”

Hearing her offer help so easily made Kaveh’s stomach twist in knots. Did he feel guilty for thinking badly of his mom when she only ever did what was best for him? Or was he frustrated both at her and himself that this conversation hadn’t happened sooner? She was right. They both self-isolated, and they’d been doing so for years. 

He breathed out. “Thank you, Māmān . I appreciate everything you’ve done for me.”

It was the most correct response he could think of, the one that allowed him to at least still pretend that he was a good son, but Faranak didn’t look entirely satisfied with what he’d said. She didn’t press the matter, though. If they were different people, it would be safe to assume that she’d bring it up again when they were both more ready. But Kaveh didn’t count on that happening, and the scared part of him was glad for it.

She let go of his hands, in favour of holding his sketchbook as she returned her attention to the pages. “But these portraits are excellent, jigar. ” She kept repeating the word as if still testing the endearment on her tongue. “When did you become so good at drawing organically?”

Was she being serious? Kaveh knew that his mother didn’t hand out compliments freely, so there was no way that she was praising his work just to be nice. But, out of all the art that he had agonised over, she was most impressed with his silly little doodles. That couldn’t be right. He’d worked so hard on his designs. Were they not worthy of the same praise?

“I… I didn't? Sorry, I don’t entirely understand the question. Drawing organically?”

“You know, life drawing.” She tapped a spot on the page where a fully shaded graphite pencil drawing of Alhaitham sat. “I’ve never been able to capture life well whenever I drew people. I’m much better at drawing straight lines and measuring distances. But your work has a lot more fluidity in it. Maybe you should focus on your strengths, and bring more of those shapes into your building designs.”

His mouth hung open. “Y-yeah, you’re right… I actually did something like that recently. The latest designs I submitted had a lot of flora elements incorporated into them. Is that the kind of shape you mean?”

“Yes! Show me.”

Kaveh gave his mom a tour of the thumbnails he had conceived of in Tighnari’s room, and he recreated a few extra ideas that he had thought of but didn’t have time to explore. Faranak occasionally took the pencil from him and made edits to his line work, but she was a lot gentler in her critiques now, as if not wanting to discourage him from pursuing such a style.

They went back and forth for hours, chatting all the while, and by the time Kaveh went to bed he still had their conversations on his mind. His mom, a genius artist, had liked his portraits. Who’s to say that someone else wouldn’t feel the same?

Before he could change his mind, he pulled out his phone and opened up his severely neglected social media profile. He made a short, to-the-point post that would be easy to read and clear to understand, but it was just two words he’d typed out that mattered most.

Commissions open.

*

Kaveh’s remaining days in Fontaine passed without incident. They ate at restaurants, visited museums, and saw all the local sights. Being able to see the same streets that he’d only viewed in photographs, now fully three-dimensional and tangible, did so much to inspire him to create. He filled several pages with ideas, both alone and together with Faranak. And when the remaining pages in his sketchbook started to dwindle, Faranak took him to buy a brand new one, handing over the cash like it was nothing to her.

“It’s the least I can do after you sorted out all your own expenses with that scholarship,” she said.

Ah, yes. The scholarship. Kaveh still hadn’t told her about the budget cuts and how his livelihood had been so severely affected by them. She still thought he was receiving a monthly stipend, and thus didn’t have to worry about supporting him financially. Faranak wasn’t destitute, but relocating to a new country couldn’t have been cheap, and Kaveh noticed the pile of bills that sat discarded near the front door of her tiny flat. The cost of living was also noticeably higher in Fontaine, and he’d cringed at the price of food he saw at the market and their receipts after eating their fill at a local restaurant. Faranak didn’t mind treating her son for the little time they had together, and Kaveh obviously couldn’t take over in paying, but he still felt helplessly guilty. 

It only solidified his resolve not to tell her. She had a wedding to plan and pay for after all, as well as the typical financial troubles that can come with working from contract to contract.

But Kaveh cherished that sketchbook, along with all the other trinkets and souvenirs he picked up over those two weeks. He wasn’t sure where he would keep these new possessions once he got home, considering that Alhaitham’s house was a one-bedroom place with not a lot of storage space, but if Alhaitham could leave his books lying around the house then surely Kaveh could do the same. 

He still thought about what his mom said about Alhaitham and companionship. Companion… Yeah, right, more like a nuisance. But a nuisance that Kaveh missed with every breath, like the electric zing of carbonated energy drinks. He'd come to rely on Alhaitham like he did caffeine, and neither addiction could be healthy. 

*

forest father: hey, when are you getting back? 

Me: Friday night, why? 

forest father: perfect 

forest father: we're holding a small celebration for collei that evening 

Me:  ?? 

Me: I didn't miss a birthday right? 

forest father: no its for her academics

forest father: she passed all her exams and even got a few distinctions

Me: OMG, really?? Tell her I say congrats!! 

forest father: tell her yourself 

forest father: so you're coming to the party on friday right? 

Me: Uhh sure, I can probably swing by straight from the airport. Might be a little late though

Me: Also WHEN DID SHE GET HER RESULTS BACK??? 

forest father: didn't you check your emails? everyone received their reports a few days ago 

Me: JAHSVDJAJDVSH AND NO ONE TOLD ME??

forest father: i thought you would have been refreshing your emails like crazy in anticipation, mr overachiever 

Me: I've been busy! 

forest father: mmmm sure 

forest father: how's your mom? 

forest father: hey don't ignore my message 

forest father: oh you're checking your results aren't you? 

Me: !!!!! 

forest father: what's the damage? 

Me: I did better than I thought I would?? 

forest father: wow, real shocking

forest father: the darshan's golden child is still on top

Me: You're one to talk! And just how much did you get on that microbiology exam you were stressing over?? 

forest father: 98% :D

Me: I fucking hate you 

forest father: sure

forest father: see you on friday then? 

forest father: and text collei, she's worried about you

Me: K, I will :) 

*

Kaveh did not text Collei. Nor did he answer any more messages, not even from Alhaitham. 

I'm not avoiding him, he told himself, even as he packed his bag in preparation to leave the next day. How can I be avoiding him when this time apart is a break from each other? 

Their last late-night conversation was still stuck in his head. They'd admitted that they missed each other, and Kaveh couldn't even pretend that he was lying. Alhaitham was easy to be around, once you got used to his weird mannerisms. And he occasionally showed genuine gratitude towards Kaveh for cooking meals and cleaning the house, even though Kaveh should have been the one thanking Alhaitham at every opportunity. 

Before, Kaveh had worried that things would be awkward when he got back because he might not still be welcome there. Now he knew that it would be awkward for a different, arguably more terrifying reason. 

Kaveh could understand someone seeing him as just the Light of Ksharewar, or even finding him annoying and unpleasant to be around. But someone whom he had previously thought hated him turning out to miss his company, and even like being around him? He didn't know what to do with this information, except resort to the tactic his mom had warned him against - isolation.

Regardless, he found that he was glad he'd come to Fontaine. He and his mom might never have the kind of relationship he wished for, but they'd both taken steps to improve the bonds they did have. Even if Kaveh still couldn't go to his mom for help with his biggest struggles, fearing either rejection or pity. He couldn't show weakness, not to anyone. 

We really are the same. Fuck.

While Faranak was cleaning the kitchen, Kaveh lingered near the threshold. Most children come to their parents for help and advice, right? His mother had already hinted that she was willing to offer her wisdom, and perhaps asking for relationship advice would make her happy. That way, Kaveh wouldn’t be selfish in asking how to deal with the Alhaitham situation. 

Before he could change his mind, Kaveh cleared his throat to get her attention. “Um…Mom , can you ask something?”

Faranak almost dropped the spoon she was drying. Her eyes had a shine to them as if she had been waiting for something like this. “Of course, you can ask me anything! What’s on your mind?”

Kaveh felt unsteady on his feet. It would make sense for him to sit, but wouldn’t that just make him feel trapped? Not that he could escape now. He had already initiated this conversation, and he had to see it through.

He sunk onto a chair at the kitchen table.

“So… You know that roommate that I told you about?” 

Gods, his palms were so sweaty. He shouldn’t be this nervous. His mom would understand, and it wasn’t like anything he said now would make its way back to Alhaitham without his knowledge. But this would be the first time he’d say what he’d been thinking out loud.

Faranak hung the checkered dishcloth she’d been using on the back of the chair, taking a seat across from him. “What about him?”

Well, shit , he thought. I’m not trapped, I’m staying in a faux-gilded cage of my own design, and she’s holding the door wide open for me. So why can’t I follow her out?

He felt stupid. Kindness and patience were written all over his mother’s face as she waited for his response, and yet he still couldn’t bring himself to utter the words.

They were the same. Understanding filled Faranak’s soft smile as she reached across the table to touch his gross hand.

“He’s very special to you, isn’t he?”

Nodding in agreement would be easy, but the tension in his neck kept his posture shrunken and his gaze fixed on the aged wood grain before him. “I… I think so. I’m not too sure.”

“Is there something holding you back?”

Yes. There were so many things, all of which Kaveh had spent much of the tail end of his trip overthinking. Most pressing was the issue that it would be wrong to pursue any kind of relationship with the person who had taken him in free of charge. As much as Alhaitham had insisted that there was nothing transactional about their arrangement, they both remembered how Kaveh had previously misunderstood his intentions with that stupid kiss. He wouldn’t blame Alhaitham for not trusting him with his affections after such an embarrassing mistake.

“Um…” He picked at his cuticles, suddenly fascinated by the recent wreckage he’d done to his skin from gripping his pencils too hard.

“You could say that,” he settled on.

Faranak clicked her teeth, a sound that he had often associated with disapproval or an incoming critique. But as was seeming to be a trend with their recent interactions, what she said next was gentler than he had anticipated. 

“Life is too short to keep putting off what’s important to you. You even waited this long to tell me!” Her laugh was breathy and filled with the tired weight of someone who knew so much more about love and companionship than what Kaveh had been able to piece together in the novels he read and the short-lived boyfriends he had lost. “If he’s really that to you and he treats you right, you shouldn’t hold off too long on telling him how you feel.”

He couldn’t say he was surprised by her answer. If anyone knew about love and loss, it was her. Perhaps Kaveh only needed to hear encouragement spoken aloud to pull him out of his head.

“So…” Kaveh searched for something to say, but all he could latch onto was, “Then you don’t mind?”

Out of everything that Kaveh had been keeping from his mother, the fact that he liked men was the least scandalous. Even as the weight of this secret was eased off of his tired shoulders, he felt silly for asking such a question.

“Mind? Oh, why would I ever mind who you were dating?” Faranak took Kaveh’s sweaty hand in hers, as she had done many times in the days they’d spent together, and pressed a warm kiss to his knuckles. “I’ve had my fair share of prejudices thrown my way, and I’ve realised it’s crucial that we stick together. As family, and as artists.”

Kaveh laughed through his nerves. “ Māmān, you’ve grown wiser since you moved away. Is it the travels or the old age that has made you this way?”

“Hey!” Her inflexion was stern, but her tone was playful. She slid the dishtowel off the chair and thwacked his arm in a light whipping motion. “I’m not old yet. Come on, help me with the last of the dishes. We need to get everything in order before you leave tomorrow.”

Kaveh obliged, and the kitchen was warmed by the dimming afternoon sunlight and lively conversation as mother and son worked side by side. 

*

Goodbyes were hard. Kaveh preferred not to dwell on them, or else to avoid them altogether. Despite all he’d been through, saying goodbye to his mother at the airport was one of the hardest things he’d had to do that year.

Perched in the window seat on the plane, his view of the clouds was blurred for much of his short flight. While everyone else saw bright blue skies, Kaveh’s eyes were filled with a private rain that refused to fall.

*

Me: I’m here

Me: Please open up soon, this cab driver is weird and hasn’t left yet

Me: If I get kidnapped, it’s your fault

forest father: dont be so dramatic. i’m coming now

It felt weird bringing his luggage with him to a social gathering, and Kaveh silently thanked his past self for packing light. He merely needed to tuck his briefcase and the duffel bag he’d borrowed into the hallway closet once he’d entered Collei’s home.

Tighnari pulled him into a hug once he was free of his shoes and baggage. “Glad you could make it! I was starting to get worried you wouldn’t show up, since Collei let me know that she hasn’t heard from you in a while.”

Kaveh winced. No matter where he went, the people around him continued to be kind in the most scathing way. How was that even possible?

“Oh, sorry about that.” He squeezed his friend tighter and hid his sheepish grin in Tighnari’s hair. There was that familiar scent of chamomile and rosemary shampoo that he had helped himself to while staying in his dorm room. “Things were a bit busy on my side.”

“Hmm, well, you can tell us all about it right after you make it up to her.” 

Tighnari led him to the backyard, where string lights flickered above a small group of people chatting over food and drinks. The gathering wasn’t very big, with Collei surrounded by just a few older family members who must have been her parents and close relatives. As far as Kaveh could tell, Tighnari hadn’t even invited Cyno along. 

“Huh. I don’t know why,” Kaveh mused as he closed the glass sliding door behind them, “but I expected more… people.”

Tighnari shrugged. “Friends and family only.”

Kaveh suddenly felt out of place. While he considered Tighnari and Collei his closest friends, he didn’t think he had known them for long enough to be considered important enough to be invited to such a private gathering. As a long-time family friend, Tighnari fit right in. He slipped into conversations with ease and chatted openly with Collei’s mother about classes and whatever neighbourhood gossip was spreading that week. Kaveh politely greeted the aunties and shook hands with her father before he was even able to get close enough to Collei to embrace her.

He didn’t want to feel this way, but it hurt to watch how Collei’s family doted on her. They brought up her every accomplishment while beaming with pride, and instead of feeling embarrassed by the attention, Collei accepted their praises with grace. It was deserved, though. Kaveh knew how much she had been struggling to keep up just a few months ago, and such victories had to be celebrated. He just couldn’t help the pang of jealousy that gnawed on him.

He was with his friends. He had reconciled with his remaining family. He no longer had to constantly worry about where his next meal would come from. Yet, why did he feel so alone?

Throughout the evening, he tried to push those thoughts out of his mind. Tonight wasn’t about him. They chatted, they ate and they drank. By the time the sun had set, Kaveh had eaten his fill and his glass wasn’t even half empty.

Even sober, he needed a moment to clear his head. While the music softly played in the lounge where everyone had moved to, Kaveh stepped back outside and found a seat in the backyard firepit. The overgrown garden around him was flourishing with padisarahs and roses, all so familiar after two weeks spent away from home. He took a deep breath, drinking in the cold dew instead of the white wine still in his hand. Solitude tasted so much sweeter when it was something he chose.

It didn’t take long for another body to join him. Collei tip-toed into the seat beside him, a puzzled expression on her face.

“Is something wrong?” she asked.

When would the guilt leave him? Kaveh shook his head and put on a weak smile. “No, no, I’m okay. How… How are you enjoying your party?”

Collei swirled her glass of Fonta in her hand. “It’s alright. Honestly, I didn’t want there to be such a big fuss. It’s not like I was top of my class or anything.”

I guess that shyness doesn’t truly go away that easily. When he first met Collei, she was much more reserved and struggled to ask for help. Now she was regularly pestering Tighnari if he was late to their tutoring sessions, not to mention how she had asked Kaveh for the big favour of plant care. Even if Kaveh had been the one to benefit most from that arrangement, it must have still been a big step for her to request that from him. She might not have seen it, but Collei had made significant progress.

“You don’t have to be the best for your loved ones to celebrate you.” After all that self-reflection Kaveh had done in Fontaine, even he was aware of the irony in his words. “Besides, you had your own shit going on. You get to be a bit proud of yourself for making it this far.”

Collei was silent for a few moments. Kaveh was starting to second guess himself for steering the conversation in such a dim direction, and he duly switched topics to liven up her spirit again.

“How’s the studies been going? Tighnari told me you got a distinction in your Life Sciences course. He seemed really chuffed to hear that everything he’d taught you paid off.”

Now it was Collei’s turn to sport a weak smile. “He did? I guess I’m not surprised. He taught me so much, it almost makes the class easy.”

Kaveh tilted his head to the side. “But is that not what you want?”

“I’m… not too sure which electives I want to keep,” she admitted. “I could stay in the Biology track, like Tighnari, but then I might be missing out on so many other cool things too. I was actually…” She paused and tucked her hair behind her ear in a nervous tick. “You’re gonna laugh at me for this.”

“What? No, I would never laugh!” Kaveh placed his glass down on the empty seat on his other side and held his hands over his heart. “I promise. You can tell me anything.”

Whether or not the gesture was fully effective in reassuring her, Collei still managed to continue. “Okay. I was sort of considering the, uh… The engineering route.”

It was like someone had switched on the lights behind Kaveh’s eyes. “Engineering? Oh, that would be amazing! Don’t worry, I can still help you out with that. Sure, I graduate in a few months, but you can call me anytime! I’ll even let you have all my old notes. I promise they’re very detailed and organised! More so than most of the textbooks, if I do say so myself.”

“I said I was considering it!” Collei added quickly. “I still don’t know exactly what I want to do, and there are all sorts of fields that interest me. Like… I don’t know, maybe a week from now I’ll be looking into medicine. Or chemistry! Nothing is set in stone yet.”

Grinning, Kaveh shook his head. He couldn’t help his excitement at being able to share his passions with someone who wasn’t already a master in the craft. Even if Collei stuck to the biology side, he would still have loved to offer his input and give her different perspectives on how to approach her studies. “Sorry. I got a bit carried away there.”

“You do that a lot,” Collei observed. Kaveh didn’t have time to wonder if he should have felt insulted by that comment before she continued. “You don't always have to give away so much of yourself, you know? It’s alright to say no or not offer assistance if you don't feel like you can take on that much.”

“What do you mean? I just -”

“Wanted to help, yeah, I know.” Collei sighed. “I know I’m not the best at asking for help, but… I would have asked you if I needed it.”

The unspoken question lingered in the night air. Would you have asked for help?

No. He hadn’t, and he still didn’t know how. But Collei was offering him a line here. It would be ungrateful not to take it.

“You’re… a lot better than me, in that regard,” he admitted. What could he say that she hadn’t already heard? Kaveh knew all about how difficult it could be to feel like someone’s praise of your work or efforts was genuine. His professors and juniors showered him with compliments all the time, yet the doubt that he had earned it stayed with him. 

“It’s… hard. Asking for help,” he continued. Collei’s eyes remained on him, taking in every word he said. Kaveh couldn’t bear to make eye contact with her and kept his gaze fixed on the faint stars instead. No longer would he keep his head down to appear smaller. Maybe it was time he started looking up again, even if the future was dark and uncertain. At least he would spot a few encouraging stars winking at him.

“I know it’s been a while since I’ve asked you for something, but…” Kaveh gripped his knees to keep his hands from shaking. “Can I just ask one thing of you? That you keep a secret for me? And I promise, I won’t tell Tighnari about your academic desertion into the larger STEM field.”

He added the last part as a joke, but almost immediately considered how it must have sounded. There was another thing he would have to work on. Conversations between friends did not need to be transactional, and he was still getting used to that.

When Collei nodded, Kaveh went on. “Okay. Um… I don’t know how to put this. It’s still sort of unreal, and I’ve barely said it out loud before. How do I…”

He trailed off, trying to psyche himself up. Just tell her! Why is it so hard?

“I think I know what this is about,” Collei chimed in.

Kaveh blinked. “You do?” How did she know?!

“This is about that guy in Cyno’s class, right? He and Tighnari told me about your troubles with him. Did you finally ask him out?”

Of course. Alhaitham. In merely a couple of hours, Kaveh would be going back to him. To his house, which Kaveh just so happened to live in.

“What? No!” Kaveh’s face was red. “I mean… Yes, there is something there, but… Not yet.”

“Oh?” Collei looked almost disappointed. “Then, what did you want to tell me?”

“It’s… sort of related to him.” Thank the archons for Collei’s misunderstanding. It somehow made it easier for him to segue into the topic he actually wanted to bring up. “You see, I’m actually… kind of living with him. Out of necessity.”

“Necessity? Did you move out of your old place?”

“Not exactly.” He smiled sheepishly in a feeble attempt to hide his embarrassment. “Actually, for a long time, I didn’t have a place. I, uh… I slept on campus for several months. All my possessions are in storage, and most of my savings went towards paying for that space, so… I couldn’t afford a place to stay. And I’m sorry. This is the reason why I’ve been more distant this year. I didn’t want you or Tighnari to know because… Well, I was ashamed. And I didn’t want you guys to feel bad because it’s not like either one of you could take me in. I didn’t even tell my mom, and aside from Alhaitham, you’re the only person who knows. But I’m okay now! Alhaitham and I have a… An arrangement, I guess. I don’t know how much longer he’ll tolerate me in his house, and what we’re doing is probably illegal, but… If I can just hold out until the end of the year, I can graduate and get a job! It would have been nice to study further, maybe get my Master’s degree, but it’s not going to be realistic at this point. I need to be able to support myself so that I can live properly and not be anyone else’s problem.”

He took a breath after spilling all of that, the relief washing over him. Why did he ever wait this long to tell someone? Collei wouldn’t judge him! And now that he thought about it, Tighnari likely wouldn’t either. He had no idea why he was so convinced otherwise. It wouldn’t be the first time his pride had gotten in the way of him.

“Kaveh…” He finally looked at Collei again, to see she had her hand over her mouth in… Was it shock? Pity? Concern? For some reason, Kaveh didn’t feel as shitty seeing such a worried expression on her face. Perhaps the euphoria of his confession would soon wear off, and he would later cringe at how he had ruined Collei’s perfect night. But for now, there were no such feelings as Collei dropped her glass of Fonta onto the grass and pulled him into a hug. She felt small in his arms, but her grip around him was strong. With a sense of pride, Kaveh realised that he was no longer as skinny and delicate as he had been just over a month ago when he was living on the last of his cash and sleeping outside during the start of winter. Similarly, Collei wasn’t as frail as she’d been just a year ago either. How far they both had come.

He had to laugh to relieve his tension. “I’m sorry again.” He squeezed her for emphasis. “For not telling you.”

“I wish you had.” Collei’s voice was shaky, and Kaveh held her tighter to keep her secure. “I was so worried whenever you didn’t text me! We had no idea what was going on with you, and if we did… I don’t know, we could have done something!”

“I wouldn’t have let you. And I’m sorry for being so distant.”

“No more apologies!” Collei insisted, pulling back from their hug. “Okay? From now on, you’ll tell me when something is wrong, right?”

“Right.” Kaveh smiled, shaking his head. “I promise.”

“Good! And I promise I won’t tell Tighnari. I’ll let you do that when you’re ready.”

“Thank you, Collei.”

“But don’t wait too long! I’m awful at keeping secrets from him.”

“I know. Thank you for trying, though.”

“Good, okay!” She took a breath, as if processing everything. “So… You’re going back to Alhaitham’s house tonight then?”

“Yeah.”

“I’ll call you a cab then. It’s the one thing I can do.”

“You don’t have to. But thank you.”

Kaveh picked up her spilt glass from the ground and handed it back, still giddy from their whole exchange. It wasn’t long before someone called out to Collei from inside, and she had to leave to rejoin her party. Kaveh was left alone outside again, but he didn’t feel so lonely anymore.

He glanced down at his glass, full of glittering wine like stars. Without a second thought, he lifted it at the stem and poured the liquid out onto the lush greenery. He was going to be okay.

Chapter Text

Reading wasn’t enough to occupy Alhaitham anymore. He often found himself aimlessly wandering the hallways. Not a ghost himself, but searching for pieces of Kaveh that still haunted these walls.

Alhaitham couldn’t use the bathroom without being reminded of the lengthy showers Kaveh took, from which he’d emerge smelling of Alhaitham’s shampoo and aftershave. Yet he’d always carried that scent differently. First thing each morning, when Alhaitham ambled into the bathroom to brush his teeth, his eyes would inevitably fall on the small cosmetics bag Kaveh had left on the sink. He never dared open it, but he had vivid memories of seeing various products littering the sink whenever Kaveh hogged the bathroom mirror in the mornings, much to the annoyance of Alhaitham who also needed to get ready to leave.

“Just run a comb through your hair and check your reflection on the back of a spoon, you’ll look good anyway!” Kaveh had exclaimed, waving him off when Alhaitham attempted to scooch him over, ruining the eyeliner wing he had been fussing over for the past twenty minutes. 

Alhaitham now wondered if Kaveh felt naked while staying in Fontaine without the makeup he had donned like armour. However, it may have been for the best, if Kaveh was planning on being vulnerable on this trip. Alhaitham thought back to the photos Kaveh had sent him of all the places he had visited, including silly selfies in front of landmarks. In every picture, he smiled so fully that he could have taken the photo mid-laugh. He even sent updates on his outfits, and Alhaitham wondered if his mom helped him take such photos. He caught a few glimpses of Kaveh’s mom in some photos, and he had to admit that they looked strikingly similar. Kaveh had inherited a lot of ethereal beauty from her.

Whatever tension existed between mother and son, Alhaitham saw none of that in these pictures. They looked to be on the same page, though he knew that was a mere subjective assumption to make based on a few still images. He knew nothing of their relationship, nor what a typical relationship between parents and children might entail. He hadn’t even met Kaveh’s mother. And he may never meet her.

Under the dim light of his phone screen and the brightness of Kaveh’s smile, Alhaitham felt an odd fear settle in his chest. It was different, seeing so many images of Kaveh without a smudge of pigment on his skin or the deep circles that so often pooled under his eyes. He was illuminated only by the faint blue glow of the Fontaine waters reflecting sunlight. Alhaitham had no other photos of Kaveh on his phone, but he was content that the few Kaveh had chosen to share with him depicted him looking so radiant. 

Sometimes, Alhaitham hung around the kitchen, opening and reopening the fridge as he looked for something substantial to eat. The leftovers Kaveh had made ran out quickly, and he didn’t see much point in attempting the same elaborate dishes. Anything Alhaitham did would feel like a cheap imitation of the real thing. Instead, he went back to buying himself instant meals and takeaways, only bothering to cook when he noticed that some ingredients were rapidly approaching an expiry date. Even when Kaveh was miles away, he could still hear the blond lecturing him on not wasting.

The kitchen was no longer a lively place, steamed up by food on the stove and the heat of spices. Alhaitham had always thought he preferred a quiet, uneventful existence, but at some point he even found himself feeling nostalgic for the shrill of the smoke alarm and the acrid stench of charred food that had filled the house one day when Kaveh had taken a nap while waiting for their soup to simmer, not realising he had put the heat on high. They ordered pizza that night, and all the while Alhaitham had teased him over a slice of pepperoni that this was a sign to stop making soup when he had already expressed his dislike for the dish. Kaveh had huffed at that suggestion, and the next time he made soup for dinner, Alhaitham still left behind a clean bowl.

Out of every space in the house, the living room felt the most empty. Gone were the daily cycles of Kaveh folding up his bedding, laying all his sketches and blueprints on the coffee table to work, and rolling them back up in the early hours of the morning when he finally decided to sleep. By then, his drained coffee cup would have gone through several uses, and Alhaitham could sometimes hear him discreetly washing it in the middle of the night. The only evidence of these rituals that remained was the layers of rings on Kaveh’s usual coaster — a subtle sign that he lived here, and which made the house feel more incomplete without him.

The one area of the house that didn’t feel empty was Alhaitham’s bedroom. And that was to be expected. It was a solitary space that Alhaitham reserved for reading and sleeping, and neither Kaveh nor anyone else really intruded. When the house felt too empty to bear, Alhaitham would retreat to his room, finding solace in the fact that his bed had always been this cold.

And that was how Alhaitham went about his days. He woke up, ate food, read books, went for the occasional run around the neighbourhood, and slept. And yet, when he couldn’t sleep at night, he would reread his meagre texts only to land on one in particular, again and again: “I miss you too.”

The more nights like these went by, the more Alhaitham could feel that reading and rereading Kaveh’s words wouldn’t be enough to satiate him anymore. The longer Kaveh stayed away, the more Alhaitham craved to hear his voice berate him for something meaningless one more time.

*

At least Kaveh’s absence made one thing easier, and that was breaking the news of his existence to his landlord.

He’d been lucky that she hadn’t dropped by unannounced when Kaveh was home, which he knew was a big source of anxiety for his roommate. He almost expected that if the day came when Dori knocked on the door unexpectedly, Kaveh would jump up from his seat and hide in Alhaitham’s closet. Not that it would be an effective hiding place, since Alhaitham knew she would search every nook and cranny of his home for any hidden signs of mould, or whatever she claimed to be looking for this time.

The conversation with Dori was… Well, it wasn’t exactly pleasant. He’d done a bit of reading on tenant laws in Sumeru beforehand and eventually resorted to asking that classmate of his that Kaveh had once mentioned being friends with. Alhaitham had kept his questions vague, so as not to betray Kaveh’s trust and out his situation to his friend. Though, he was sure that Kaveh must have mentioned him to his friends before, based on the attitude that law student had towards him. He couldn’t tell whether or not the guy disliked him, but he helped out and gave his amateur advice anyway.

It wasn’t exactly a relief to inform Dori that he had taken in an extra tenant, but it did give him a clearer idea of how to proceed. They eventually agreed to let Alhaitham continue to pay rent on Kaveh’s behalf, but that if Kaveh was planning on staying permanently, he would need to be put on the lease. His name would be signed alongside Alhaitham’s, and then it would be official.

We would officially be roommates, Alhaitham thought. One piece of paper could secure their place with each other. So why did it still not feel right?

Alhaitham couldn’t speak to what Kaveh’s future plans were. Kaveh had admitted that all he could focus on was surviving and graduating. And while shelter was a foundational need for a healthy life, he couldn’t let Kaveh stress about where to get it from when his plate was already so full. 

“How about this?” Dori had added when she saw Alhaitham hesitate. “I’ll be gracious and allow you to think it over for a few months. Only until your lease is set to renew.”

That would be at the end of the school year. Final examinations would be over, and most out-of-town students would be preparing to return to their families. So much could change in a few short months. So much may have already changed just in these few weeks apart.

“By then your free-loading friend should have found a job, no?” she had commented. Alhaitham bit his tongue.

It was practically a pipe dream that Kaveh would want to spend another year living with him after graduating. He might have much better options by then, and Alhaitham sincerely wished for that on his behalf. Kaveh may find a job that he deserves. He may patch things up with his mother enough to move to Fontaine with her. And Alhaitham would be happy to watch him succeed and move on with his life, while he stayed exactly where he was — still a student at the same university, searching for answers that books could not give him.

Dori’s offer was a reasonable one he could foresee working out. He had the option of pretending that nothing had nor would change. 

But he had another option; one that would require more planning. And, of course, Kaveh would have to agree to it. Although Alhaitham didn’t have much hope that a creature as stubborn and prideful as Kaveh would agree to the idea he had in mind.

But he was happy to have that out of the way. He could safely house Kaveh under his roof without letting the blond worry about the logistics, at least until the end of the year. As for after that, he’d have to wait and see where they were at.

*

On the night of Kaveh’s arrival, Alhaitham braved the ghostly living room to read. He considered putting on the TV as background noise that could drown out his thoughts, but that was out of the question tonight. He wasn’t sure if Kaveh had noticed yet, but he didn’t have anything with him to let himself into the house. While Kaveh usually borrowed Alhaitham’s spare key or had the door left unlocked for him, Kaveh didn’t have a key of his own. The spare one had sat forgotten by the door when he left. How long would it take him to realise that he’d left behind his only way to get inside? Not to mention how late it was getting, and he knew that Alhaitham usually went to bed early. Tsk, how reckless his senior still was.

A sudden shuffling and the rattling of the doorknob lifted Alhaitham’s attention from the page he’d been blankly staring at. Sure enough, muffled curses and telltale sounds of Kaveh rummaging through his bag gave away his sudden panic at realising he had no way to let himself in. Alhaitham dropped his book and listened to Kaveh mumbling to himself, waiting to see how long it would take for him to do the sensible thing and call for help.

It only took about two minutes for Kaveh to finally knock on the door — improvement, as far as they were both concerned.

“Haitham?” Hearing Kaveh’s voice after two weeks apart made him feel like nothing had changed. All his fears were almost completely dispelled right there. “Are you awake? The light is on.”

Alhaitham got up and strode over to the entrance. Only the door separated them now, and Alhaitham lifted the key from its usual place.

“Back so soon?” He hoped his voice didn’t betray the way his heart raced at his roommate’s arrival. He still couldn’t see Kaveh’s face, but Alhaitham was sure he was rolling his eyes on the other side.

“You knew I was coming. I sent you several messages about that,” Kaveh pointed out. He let out a breath like he was fighting with his luggage. “Are you going to ask me more riddles, or are you going to let me in?”

Every hair on Alhaitham’s skin stood on end while he wrestled with his useless hands to unlock the door. Maybe, when he sees Kaveh again, all the annoyance and frustration they have put each other through would come back and harden the pit of quicksand that had formed in Alhaitham’s chest throughout Kaveh’s absence. 

But there Kaveh stood, tired and bathed in moonlight. Still beautiful. Still enough to make him forget every linguistic explanation for what he felt.

Alhaitham chewed the inside of his cheek. Even so, there was something different about Kaveh and the way he carried himself. He ached to ask how those final days with his mother were, to hear about his adventures in Fontaine through the lively filter of his voice instead of only reading through text on his screen. He wanted to ask what those texts meant. He wanted to know what they meant to each other.

Instead, Alhaitham said, “I thought you were going to a party. You barely smell of booze this time.”

Charming. Bringing up his possible addiction. Way to go, idiot.

Kaveh, though, didn’t seem as phased as the previous times Alhaitham had attempted to brooch the topic. He let out a small, easy laugh. There was no annoyance to be detected.

“Is that how you welcome me back?” Kaveh probed. “Would you rather I turn right back around and come home drunk?”

Alhaitham flushed. He wasn’t used to being this teased, least of all when he was this vulnerable from days spent without his usual companion. “No, I…” He stepped aside and gestured for Kaveh to walk inside. “I was surprised, that’s all.”

Kaveh only nodded in acknowledgement and walked inside. He dropped his bag beside the couch and immediately kicked off his shoes. His eyes fell on the book that Alhaitham had left on the coffee table, spine creased where it was pressed open against the wooden surface. Alhaitham still neglected to use a bookmark.

“If you don’t mind,” Kaveh began, already heading to the linen closet to retrieve his blankets and pillows, “I think I’m going straight to sleep. My mom’s old blowup mattress was always deflated by the time I woke up, and as shitty as your couch is, it’s nice to have a stable surface to lie on.”

Alhaitham watched Kaveh’s practised movements of dressing the couch for the night. This had become his routine, and even the days spent away from it couldn’t make him falter. Even if Kaveh hadn’t said as much, this was his home as much as it was Alhaitham’s. Maybe, just maybe, the plans Alhaitham had for their future could work after all.

“Why don’t you take my bed?” Alhaitham blurted out. Whatever possessed him to make such a suggestion quickly left him as soon as he saw Kaveh’s face fill with what could only be a mixture of confusion and shock. “We’ll swap for the night, I mean. Since you’ve already gone to all the trouble of getting the couch ready.”

At his explanation, he could have sworn Kaveh looked disappointed. Perhaps that was the exhaustion weighing on him though, as he sighed and nodded without any argument. “Okay. I wouldn’t mind that.”

No pushback. No insisting that he was overstepping his place in Alhaitham’s home. And no hesitation at this one small kindness being offered to him, even if it was the bare minimum Alhaitham could do. Between this and the lack of drunkenness, Alhaitham sensed a significant change in his roommate. Was his time in Fontaine that life-changing?

“Besides,” Alhaitham added with a knowing smile, still not yet used to Kaveh accepting his suggestions without a fight. “Aren’t artists supposed to protect their posture?”

Kaveh returned his smile. It was small and layered under days away from this place that had become his sanctuary. But it was there.

“Goodnight, Haitham.” Kaveh picked up his bag and carried it with him down the passage. Alhaitham heard the door to his bedroom click shut soon after.

Alhaitham grabbed his book and settled into a supine position on the couch. Reading came easier to him now that he knew Kaveh was back within these walls. And as his eyes blurred sleepily over the pages, the last thing he noticed was how much warmer the air in the house felt.

*

Dawn came too soon, but for once Kaveh wasn’t still tired.

It had been months since Kaveh last slept in a proper bed. Each new place to sleep felt like an upgrade compared to the last, from under the desk to Tighnari’s futon, and from Alhaitham’s couch to his mom’s blowup mattress. Now that he finally remembered what it was like to sleep on a real bed, he almost wished he could forget. It felt almost cruel to go back to sleeping on the lumpy couch when Alhaitham’s mattress was so firm and his sheets were so soft. 

The pillow that Kaveh rested his head on smelt like its usual occupant, and the fibres had caught a few silver hairs on them. With how the sunlight caught on those remnants of his roommate, Kaveh could vividly imagine how Alhaitham must look when waking up in this bed. Alhaitham liked to sleep in, so by the time his eyes opened, he might already be bathed in daylight diffused through his netting curtains. He might blink a few times to adjust, his sleepy look complete with that cute bedhead. 

Did Alhaitham sleep shirtless? Whenever Kaveh saw him in the mornings, he wore a ratty T-shirt, but he could have thrown that on as a courtesy before leaving his room. Now that Kaveh really thought about it, he’d never seen Alhaitham shirtless with how careful they both were not to overstep the other’s boundaries. His imagination ran wild now picturing what Alhaitham might be hiding under there.

Groaning, Kaveh rolled over and checked his phone. It wasn’t yet nine, so Alhaitham was likely still asleep. They would have to talk, right? About whatever feelings they had for each other. Kaveh didn’t know how to bring it up, and Alhaitham looked like he was avoiding the topic entirely. Kaveh couldn’t exactly blame him, with how inappropriately he’d acted in the past. Alhaitham probably didn’t want to bring up the possibility of a relationship after Kaveh had kissed him out of what he thought was an obligation. And besides, wouldn’t any romance between them be tainted by the weird power imbalance of Alhaitham continuing to let Kaveh live with him? 

Ugh, of course Alhaitham wouldn’t make a move with that hanging over him. Kaveh would need to be the one to initiate things.

Does he even like me that way?

Kaveh could stay in bed and fuss over this all morning. He could even theoretically wait for Alhaitham to come knocking, and allow him to witness the forbidden sight of another man sprawled across his bed. And, while tempting, neither of those options was in line with his newfound goal of not being such a mess of a human. Reluctantly, he rolled out of Alhaitham’s way too-spacious bed and untangled himself from his soft sheets. He was sure this was the last time he’d feel the duvet’s warm embrace, and he didn’t want the breakup to be a messy one.

To his surprise, Alhaitham was already awake. He sat on the couch, scrolling through his phone, and the sheets he’d used last night were already folded and set aside. He was dressed in his usual modest nightwear that he’d had on the night before. No bare torso was revealed today.

“You’re up early.” Kaveh grasped for something else to say, but the sight of Alhaitham in the morning was too distracting. His bedhead was messier than usual, with that one stubborn strand of hair still standing up amidst the chaos. Cute.

Alhaitham rubbed his neck. “I didn’t exactly get quality sleep,” he admitted. “How do you handle sleeping on this thing?”

Kaveh dared to move closer until he was perched on the armrest beside Alhaitham. He didn’t often take note of the top of Alhaitham’s head, especially considering the fact that there wasn’t that much of a height difference between the two of them. But now, he found comfort in watching that lock of hair sway to and fro as Alhaitham stretched the kinks out of his sore neck.

“If you’ll recall, I wasn’t exactly sleeping in the best of places before this,” he remarked. “The first time we met, I had fallen asleep bent over a table. So I would say that even this lumpy old couch is an upgrade.”

Alhaitham seemed tired. Not quite his usual casual, lazy self. Did he look like that last night? Kaveh wondered. He hadn’t had a moment to take note. He was more focused on the feeling of being back here, back in what he could tentatively call his home. His eyes noticed not Alhaitham’s eyebags or his clothes that may need a wash soon, but rather the impossible green and red combination of Alhaitham’s irises that Kaveh still could not replicate in a drawing even if he tried. The green paints were too muddy or his red coloured pencils were not the right shade. Too bright, or too dark. Without any photos to remember him by, Kaveh was almost afraid that he would forget what those eyes looked like. And he could only be grateful to not only see them again, but also to see the relief in Alhaitham’s gaze when he saw him on his doorstep.

“Actually,” Kaveh continued, legs lifting ever so slightly to sway beneath him. “I’ll admit that it may be hard to go back to sleeping here.”

Alhaitham squinted at him. “Back in Sumeru, or back on this couch?”

“The couch.” Kaveh laughed. “I have no problem sleeping in Sumeru. You know I prefer it to Fontaine.”

Both were silent for a few staggered heartbeats. Kaveh wasn’t sure what he could say next that neither of them already knew. Perhaps it was the uncertainty of what the other was thinking that made his next words so difficult to choose.

Luckily for Kaveh, he wouldn’t have to make that particular choice.

“Then don’t sleep on the couch.” Alhaitham stared at him the way he had done so often before. Not like he was looking through Kaveh like he was a doll made of the finest paper that refracted the sunlight but could never catch it for himself. He studied Kaveh like he was more preoccupied with what was written on the page. Kaveh was the most masterful blueprint drafted, and the most complex text he had yet to decipher. He could dedicate his life to learning the language of Kaveh and still never speak with such eloquence as he wanted. “You’ve said it yourself, that artists need to take care of their health. I would think sleeping in a real bed is essential for that.”

“But,” Kaveh interjected a bit too quickly, “I don’t have a bed yet, and I doubt you would last another night on the couch.” He forced a smile in a weak attempt at distracting from his rosy cheeks. If he could deflect with humour and rebuttals all these past few months, he could do it again. “You look so dishevelled, it would be cruel to make us swap sleep spaces.”

Alhaitham’s shoulders shrugged and his head bopped in a nod. His body language spoke like he knew this and accepted this fact. He had always liked his routine and wasn’t one to break his precious schedule. This was something his body was used to and that Kaveh knew intimately in their short time spent living together.

But Alhaitham’s tongue spoke a different language. 

“Ah, you’re right.” He shrugged again. Kaveh could only later assume it was in an attempt to look nonchalant. That, at least, was a goal they both had in this conversation. “We’re not at that stage yet.”

That stage.

Not yet.

Kaveh drew a breath. Was this it? Was this the first time either of them had acknowledged what they had left unspoken, discarded to timestamped texts sent at 2 AM while they were miles apart?

“I guess we’re not.” Kaveh slipped off from his seat and stood before the still-seated Alhaitham. For a man with a more sturdy frame than his own, Alhaitham looked so small from Kaveh's point of view. It could have been the pyjamas he wore that painted a picture of vulnerability in Kaveh’s corneas. Or it could have been the chub in his cheeks that Kaveh had never noticed before. It could have even been the unfairly long lashes that protected him from prying eyes or the mismatched socks that he still wore on his restless feet. 

Kaveh lifted his hand, not yet sure where his touch would fall. He hovered over Alhaitham’s crown, scared to make contact with the soft silver that adorned his head. 

“I missed you,” Alhaitham admitted. His voice was barely audible. But even if the words didn’t reach his ears, Kaveh was sure he would still understand.

“I know.” His fingers brushed back Alhaitham’s fringe, revealing more of the man’s face than he had ever seen before. It lasted only a moment before the bangs fell back in place, where they belonged. “I… missed you, too.”

“That doesn’t have to mean anything if you don’t want it to,” Alhaitham added.

Kaveh paused. “The ‘I missed you,’ or the part about sleeping in the same bed together?”

“Both. Neither. You choose.”

It’s your choice. Alhaitham didn’t push, didn’t overstep. He was too patient with Kaveh, and that was a feeling that he still wasn’t used to.

“I…” Kaveh searched for a way to answer and settled on yet another deflection. “I don’t think a linguistics major like you would say something and not mean it.”

“You’re correct. But I also mean it when I say that I think you deserve better than to keep sleeping on the same couch you use to work.”

“Really? And how do you suggest we solve that issue?”

“We could always get you a desk,” Alhaitham said it with the kind of conviction that suggested it was an idea he had been meditating on for a while. “You’d prefer a drafting table, right?”

Kaveh tried to say something, but no words came out. So, Alhaitham continued.

“But, until we get you a new desk, you can continue to sleep in my bed. I don’t mind staying on the couch if you’d be uncomfortable with me there, but I don’t think it needs to mean anything if you don’t want it to.”

Kaveh swallowed. “Is that what you want?”

“I want you to feel comfortable in your own home.”

Kaveh was still for several moments, save for his restless fingers carding through light hair. The action became a soothing massage for them both. Alhaitham’s eyes even fluttered closed as the sensation on his scalp. He looked so peaceful in Kaveh’s eyes. At ease, as opposed to stoic. It was a good look on him.

Without emerald and crimson eyes to blind him, Kaveh leaned down and kissed the top of Alhaitham’s head, right on his cowlick.

“Thank you,” he whispered, lips speaking against the strands that wouldn’t stay down no matter how much he tried to smooth them. “I… don’t want to start us off on the wrong foot. Not… not again.”

When Kaveh finally straightened, Alhaitham was granting him a soft smile. There was a tinge of pink in both their cheeks. “Of course. There’s nothing wrong with roommates sharing a room, after all.”

Kaveh scoffed and tousled the hair he had worked so hard to comb through. “You look like a mess.”

“If you recall, I didn’t sleep well.”

“No, not just that.” Kaveh’s hand fell lower to trace the light stubble along Alhaitham’s chin, the silver hairs catching the early morning light pouring in through the window. “You haven’t shaved.”

Alhaitham shook his head, but it turned into his cheek falling flush against Kaveh’s palm. Neither of them pulled away. 

“The bathroom reminded me of you,” he said bluntly. “So did every other room in the house. Except for my bedroom.”

“Well.” Kaveh couldn’t help his grin. “That’s about to change, isn’t it?”

And he was right. Everything was.