Chapter Text
At this point the school should really consider employing him as a certified matchmaker, Cartman thinks. If Nichole and Tolkien aren't proof enough that he knows what he's doing, these two should definitely be. It's like they're competing to see who's the gayest. Which of course is a losing game considering Tweek and Craig exist and are constantly raising the bar.
He watches with mild interest as Stan sighs for the millionth time today, the fucking dramatic bitch. He's been like this ever since Kyle and Heidi started hanging out again, the stupid jew most likely trying to get with her again despite knowing just how "well" that went before. It doesn't bother Cartman at all, not when he knows nothing can come of it. He doubts Heidi will be dating anyone anytime soon.
Four years have not been enough to erase the mark he left on her, he's proud to admit it. Not that he cares if Heidi is ready to be in a relationship again or not. As long as she stays away from Kyle, she can date whoever she wants as far as he's concerned. Not just because he doesn't want to see the jew happy but because it'll just fuck with his new ship. He's been saying it since they were kids but no one took him seriously.
They probably think he's just messing with them when he talks about how gay they are. That's because they don't have the benefit of an outside perspective. Cartman has been watching these two make eyes at each other for years now, he knows what he's talking about when he says they should get a room. One day they'll be thanking him for it, one day everyone will know he's always been right.
"Don't worry, Stan," he says, hoping to offer some comfort. "It's not gonna go anywhere. Give it a couple weeks and she'll break his little jew heart again, then Kyle is gonna come running back to your arms."
Stan doesn't bother looking at him, still trying to subtly watch as Kyle and Heidi talk and laugh as if they actually enjoy each other's company that much. At his side, Kenny laughs and Cartman counts that as a victory.
"Shut up, Cartman," Stan says but his heart isn't in it.
Well, that's because his heart is sitting on a table at lunch talking to Heidi Turner. Honestly, Cartman wonders how long it'll take for Stan to realize what he's feeling isn't his usual "my gay ass super best friend isn't here right now and I want his attention" thing. It's much deeper than that but Cartman is the only one who sees it. Kenny agrees with him that Stan and Kyle are close in a way none of them are but he doesn't get it.
Cartman does. He's been watching these two dance around each other for years. Has seen the way they look at each other like nothing and no one else matters, has witnessed firsthand how protective they are of each other and how they can't stand to be apart. They're not subtle. Not in the way they constantly find a reason to hold hands and hug. And how every single fight they have feels like a breakup.
"Y'know, Valentine's day is on its way again, Stan. You sure you don't want some help from little old Cupid Me?"
Stan's answer is to flip him off, honestly, he's never looked more like Craig. All he needs to do is admit he's a fag and there, they're practically the same. He had been expecting to be denied as usual so it's no surprise but he still can't help but feel dejected. He's been bored lately and matchmaking is always fun, like playing dolls in real life with his classmates. The only downside is possibly making Kyle happy for once, it almost makes him gag.
"Let me know when you're ready to admit your totally gay feelings for Kahl, I'll get you guys a room," he offers.
He's so going to throw a party when these two actually get together. He's been saying it for years and the fact that Kenny was dumb enough to bet against it really shows his poor guy mentality. It's like he's addicted to losing money. Sure, it's only five bucks he's got running on this but every penny counts when you eat frozen waffles for dinner every day. And Kenny of all people should know that.
"Whaddya think, Kenny? Do they make a good ship?"
Kenny shrugs, looking like he's about to actually add something to the discussion for once.
"I don't know, man," he mumbles through his parka. "I mean, their names fit and everything. Stan and Kyle? Style."
Cartman laughs at that, telling himself to call his future plans to finally get these two to admit they like each other "operation Style". It probably won't take long for it to happen. Of course it'll take at least a couple years for Stan to realize his thing with Wendy isn't going to work long-term. Then Kyle needs to be rejected at least a couple more times until he gives up on women for real. That definitely will not take long.
If he had it his way, Kyle would be alone and miserable for the rest of his sad jew life. But he has to admit he sees the appeal in making your friends get together. Not to mention somebody's got to do it. If it's not him and Cupid Me, who will tell these two to finally stop acting like they're not totally gay for each other? No, it's only a matter of time. They'll get together soon. Cartman will make sure of that.
"Oh man, when you two are making out at this very table one day, you're gonna have to thank me for being right once again!"
Stan turns to him fully now, his eyes dark and his face hard like stone.
"Shut up, fatass," he says, sounding genuinely pissed off.
Some people just can't handle hearing the truth. Well, Cartman always knew Stan is just like his dad. It doesn't surprise him he can't handle people rightfully calling him out on his blatantly homosexual behavior. At this point he would really benefit more from being true to himself and finally coming out. Everyone knows he's obsessed with his super best friend, it's not like it'd be much of a shock.
"You better pray your dick is kosher so that Kahl will get his mouth on it some day."
Stan gets up, "Alright, that does it."
And Cartman might get his ass beat for that but, mark his words, he's never been wrong about a couple before and he won't start being wrong now. These two will be a thing before they graduate high school. It might take a while to get there but it will happen, he's sure of it. Even if Stan's a little bitch about it and doesn't confess until the very last day of school, it doesn't matter. It's going to happen and he'll be there to say "I told you so".
And to get those five bucks Kenny was foolish enough to bet on their friends' nonexistent heterosexuality.