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Olivia tapped away idly on her desk with the tip of her quill, letting her mind wonder over her predicament. ‘Predicament’ well that’s a bit melodramatic,” she huffed to herself. Her train of thought was abruptly cut off by the tell-tale sound of her husband’s footsteps, Sebastian entered into the lounge, gaze transfixed on a piece of paper.
“Any interesting mail today, dear,” Olivia questioned.
Sebastian’s head snapped up abruptly, a faint blush coloring his cheeks. “Uh… not as such- no not really,” he bumbled, shuffling the stack of papers nervously. Olivia sighed inwardly; he had been like this for weeks, she wished he would just talk to her.
“Any mail from your sister,” she ventured hopefully; she hadn’t heard from Viola in weeks and one of the only good parts of her day was reading her letters.
“I don’t think so, “Sebastian said, looking relieved and less ruffled at the change of subject. “She must be busy with Orsino, you know how newlyweds are.”
Olivia smiled ruefully, “Of course,” she said with as much mirth as she could muster, her gaze returning to her own unfinished letter laying dejectedly on her desk. She could feel Sebastian’s eyes boring into the top of her head, as if itching to pry further, but to her immense relief he didn’t. She tried to return to her letter, dipping her quill into the ink and hovering over the parchment, but the words would not come, and she did not hear any footsteps retreating “Who’s the letter for?,” she heard him ask. “Seems like you’ve been hunched over your desk agonizing over it for a little while.” She blew out a breath, feeling a migraine coming on. That is exactly the last question she wanted him to ask. “Nothing… just… its-,” she trailed off lamely. Wonderful, now they were both being evasive and non-communicative. She tapped the end of her quill nervously, tentatively looking up to meet his quizzical gaze. They both eyed each other cautiously, as if their secrets would simply burst forth from their mouths of their own accord. They stood this way for a few tense, drawn-out seconds. “
"Well- I’m going to head up to my office-“Sebastian was first to break the intense impasse, jerkily stepping out of the room.
As if on cue, Olivia’s migraine started to worsen, the dull throbbing of her head picking up into fierce pounding. She didn’t know how much more of this she could handle; this had been the state of their marriage ever since the newlyweds and Antonio had left Illyria. Her mounting stress only increased the pain in her temple and soon she felt she needed to rest. Standing up from her chair, she grabbed the candelabra, trudged up the stairs wearily and turned into her room. She hastily rung the bell for the maids, flopping onto the bed rather ungracefully. Not a minute later, Maria and her new maid, Katherine, bustled into the room and helped her out of her garments. “Here you are my lady,” Katherine smiled, handing her a clean nightgown. “Freshly cleaned and dried.” Olivia slipped on the nightgown, the plush silk cooling her migraine a touch. “Thank you, Maria, Katherine,’ said gratefully, slipping under the covers. “Of course, my lady,” the two chorused. Olivia went to bed that night, like many nights before, with a restless head and an even more restless heart.
The state of affairs remained the same over the course of the next two months, both being shuttered and awkward around the other. Olivia had almost reached her breaking point, all her propriety, etiquette training, and her mother’s own loveless marriage should have made her heart a little harder, but she was weak. Sebastian was holed up his office almost all hours of the day and when he wasn’t he was off God knows where. Olivia could concede, however, that she wasn’t exactly putting that much effort into the marriage either. “Its not like we didn’t try to make it work for a long time,” she lamented to herself one afternoon, curled up in her reading nook. We tried for months to work through it, but even after they were first married, it seemed like a hopeless case.
She could recall one afternoon, a few days after the wedding, the pair of them seated on opposite ends of a long table, the clanking of their silverware puncturing the air thick with tension. She remembered scolding and pulling herself together and tapping into her arsenal of social niceties and wit, “So, tell me about yourself Sebastian.” That’s a good start, men usually like to talk about themselves,” she thought wryly. Sebastian’s demeanor changed; he perked up and immediately launched into a dramatic retelling of the storm and subsequent shipwreck he and Viola experienced. Olivia had admitted to herself that the tale was rather thrilling- for the first 15 minutes he had told it- after that she became rather tired. But she wasn’t the kind of woman to admit defeat by abandoning the dinner so early; so even as her eyes grew heavy, she continued to engage in his story. When he finally finished his dramatic account and came up for air; he looked quite pleased with himself. Olivia remembered that she had not disliked the dinner but still felt disconnected from her husband, granted that had only been the first, but the subsequent string of meals together had followed along the same vein.
Olivia continued to reflect back on the string of unpleasant dinners as the two failed to connect to one another as a couple. Sebastian, for all of his strengths, he was passionate and determined, had a tendency to over embellish his stories and had a streak of ego. Olivia ruminated even more as she shifted to press her cheek against the cool glass of the window. Did it matter if they continued to be miserable in this loveless marriage? After all, her own mother and many other people all over the world chose duty ahead of love every day. Was that so bad? Was she just being weak? What would her mother have thought? Would she be failing as a woman if she did not fulfill her marital duty? After all, she had been taught from a young age the importance of marriage, what doors it opened, what alliances it sealed, what allies it made, she wasn’t ignorant of it. And she certainly wasn’t one to shrink from responsibility, but was a lifetime with someone she didn’t love worth it? Sometimes she felt like she couldn’t live without love, like she needed it to breathe, but how foolish was that notion? She wasn’t like Orsino, who talked like love like it was something out of a fairytale, spoke like he was in love with Aphrodite herself. But she knew she had to be realistic, and she was aware her affections had been fickle in the past, but it felt different this time. And the enormity of it scared her and after years of being in a depressive fog after her brother’s death, some parts of her protested feeling like this, but her heart was a loud and demanding thing.
Her heart accelerated as she thought about admitting it to herself, accepting it. But she had to… she was in love with her. She was in love with Viola. Saying it to herself felt like a physical weight being lifted of her. She leaned back against the velvet cushions in the nook, letting out a prolonged sigh. Great, well that little talk with herself went great, but what should she do about it? Should she do anything? No… she wouldn’t. She would keep it to herself.
1 week later…
Olivia had just finished her monthly meeting with Lady Agnes who was a formidable and vexing woman. Meetings with her always left Olivia in a sour mood. Usually this and all other bureaucratic meetings were delegated to the man of the house, but ever since her father and brother passed away, she had taken responsibility for them. She remembered the drastic learning curve she had to endure alongside mourning her brother; it had been a very taxing time in her life. But after two years, her monthly meetings and other bureaucratic nonsense were usually more of an annoyance than anything, but they needed to be done. Sebastian had insisted on accompanying her, but Olivia knew he had enough to deal with his monthly meetings with Lady Agnes’ husband, Lord Edmund. Right now, after the meeting, she just needed to put her feet up and de-stress from Lady Agnes’ petty complaints. Olivia was just about tell her head maid, Katherine to set out a bath for her, when Sebastian came hurtling into the room, gasping for breath. Olivia whirled around, startled. “Sebastian, what ever is the matter?”
Sebastian choked out a sentence in between heaved breaths, “Orsino and Viola’s carriage is pulling up, I thought I should tell you.”
Olivia’s heart stuttered in her chest. She immediately turned to assess her appearance in the mirror. Wonderful, it looked like she had just been dragged through a plow. Her sensible drawn-back hair was now ruffled and loose from its confines. Her equally sensible muted red dress was a bit wrinkled, she swore softly to herself and turned from the mirror. Sebastian regarded her curiously from the door, breathing still a bit labored. “Everything alright?” he asked.
“Yes… fine, let’s just go down to meet them” Sebastian turned and almost flew down the stairs with an air of uncontained glee she had not seen on him before. Olivia followed, pulling up her skirts and following at a more leisurely speed. Sebastian reached the foyer, flung the door open and ran to chase the carriage that was now pulling up outside the grand castle where court was held. Down in the foyer, some maids, servants, and Sir Toby were milling about to see what all the commotion was about. “Good gracious!,” Sir Toby cried. “I thought they weren’t expected back until next week.
“Perhaps they wanted it to be a surprise,” suggested Maria at his side. She then cast her glance towards Olivia who was still lingering in the doorway. “My lady, are you quite well?”
Her voice pulled Olivia out of her stupor, righting herself before replying as she continued out of door. “Yes… I’m quite well, apologies.”
She hurried over to where Sebastian was waiting as the two gazed at the extravagant carriage with bated breath. The door swung open as Orsino stepped out first, dressed in a fine black traveling overcoat; it looked like he had finally decided to shave off that truly horrid goatee as well as grow out his hair. Olivia could admit that marriage suited him quite well, but all other new appraisals of the man came to a screeching halt as Orsino extended his hand and helped Viola out of the carriage. Olivia’s breath caught in her throat as she gazed at her. Viola’s hair had also been grown out from when she had it cut short from that baffling, but in hindsight amusing incident. Viola also seemed to be glowing, she looked. . .
“No, no,” she viciously cut her train of thought off. It would do her no favors to pine over Viola like a lovesick youth. So instead she settled for smiling serenely at the touching reunion of Sebastian and Viola, as the two hugged each other tightly. The pair pulled back from their embrace and started talking excitedly amongst themselves. Orsino turned to Olivia, smiling pleasantly. “Good to see you both, the break was nice, but we’ve been aching to get back. How have things been here? ”
Olivia folded her arms, “Things are well, all things considered; Sebastian is getting used to endless bureaucratic hell. Nothing from Malvolio though ever since he left in a huff and swore his revenge. I can’t help feeling a bit bad for him though.”
Orsino cringed in sympathy, “I was never entirely fond of the fellow myself, but the joke was a bit cruel.”
Olivia blew a breath from her mouth; she conceded that Malvolio was a bit of an odd fellow, but he had served her family well in the past. She was also not so blind to not see that he had intentions to court her, which made her a bit ill. But that didn’t erase the cruelness of the joke orchestrated by Maria, Fabian, Sir Toby and his obnoxious, uncouth drinking companion Sir Andrew. She reminded herself to reprimand Maria and Fabian later.
“Well never mind all that unpleasantness, I’m pleased you two enjoyed your break.”
“We did, immensely. Visited Venice and toured some lovely new buildings erected in her Majesty’s honor. . . we-goodness, where else did we go, darling?,” Orsino trailed off, turning to his wife, drawing her out of her conversation with Sebastian.
Viola chuckled to herself, “Duke and Duchess Morton invited us to their manor and took us on tour about their lovely garden, the most renowned in the whole county? Honestly darling, it was only a week ago,” she teased, her tone full of fond exasperation.
Orsino rolled his eyes good-naturedly as Viola and Sebastian ceased their exuberant conversation, then engaged Sebastian in what seemed to be a rousing conversation about fencing.
Viola turned to give Olivia a tight and loving embrace. Olivia returned the affection tenfold, melting into her embrace. Olivia indulged herself for a moment, drawing comfort from her familiar warmth and the smell of sunshine in her hair. God, she was so pathetically gone for her. Her absence had only made it worse in some ways. Viola drew back from the hug, still holding onto Olivia’s hands.
“It’s so wonderful to see you again, I’m sorry I didn’t write like I promised; I got so caught in our trip,” Viola said apologetically, ducking her head. Olivia waved her off.
“No apology needed, you needn’t take time out of your own honeymoon to do such a thing; it’s a time to enjoy your husband’s company.” In truth, Olivia had very much missed Viola’s letters in her absence, but she was not so entrenched in her demanding heart that she couldn’t see how selfish that was.
A gentle smile graced Viola’s lips, lighting up her already lovely features. “Enough about me, how has married life been treating you?,” she asked curiously.
Olivia’s heart thumped unpleasantly in her chest as she swallowed nervously. She didn’t want to lie to her, but she also didn’t want to drag down their joyous reunion by telling the perfect newlyweds her own marriage was fracturing. She couldn’t tell Viola that she didn’t-couldn’t love her brother in the way that a wife should love her husband. She couldn’t tell Viola that instead of fulfilling her marital duties, her brain would conjure up elaborate domestic fantasies of her; the two of them deeply in love. So, Olivia settled on a half-truth to ease her troubled heart.
“It’s been an bit of an adjustment period, still getting to know one another and all,” she laughed, manufactured airiness in her tone. She left out the part where she and Sebastian hardly ever spoke to one another and when they did it was still stilted and awkward. Even if they could not be a proper husband and wife, but she had hoped at this point they could have developed a comradery of sorts. But it was hard when the both of them had their walls high up; guarding their hearts.
Viola seemed pleased with this information if the excited clutching of her hands was anything to go by. “I’m so glad, Olivia, you and Sebastian are both wonderful people, I hope you to bring each other endless happiness.”
Olivia yet again let a practiced smile rearrange her lips which were tightly pressed together and kept her traitorous heart as quiet and still as the night.
1 week later . . .
The week following the newlyweds’ return was run-of-the-mill with a small exception in that there was more people coming in and out of Illyria, mostly due to the duke’s return and curiosity surrounding the duchess. All this to say that Olivia had not heard much from Viola or Orsino since they returned. Though it’s not as if Olivia would have had much time to talk with Viola either. With the influx of people surging into Illyria, the number of meetings she had to attend also increased exponentially. On top of her increased workload, she had also filled up her timetable with activities such as tending to and riding her mare, Dawn, painting, gardening, and conversing with the staff and servants. At the end of every day, she was exhausted. In the recesses of her mind, she wondered if she was running herself so ragged to avoid thinking at all. After a week of this new exhausting pattern, everyone in her household grew very concerned for her wellbeing. On the dawn of a new week, it looked to be just as taxing as the previous. As Maria coiffed and styled her hair for the day, Olivia gazed at her haggard reflection in the mirror. Deep dark bags framed her under-eyes and her skin had taken on a waxy look. Olivia let slip another weary sigh past her lips, Maria paused the arranging of her hair and met her lady’s eyes in the mirror.
“My lady!” she exclaimed. “You look unwell! Are you ill?”
“No, I’m quite well, Maria. Simply a little tired is all,” intoned Olivia dully. That was the understatement of the century.
“My lady!,” Maria protested shrilly. “You are dead on your feet, why don’t you rest?”
“I don’t need rest. I need to work,” snapped Olivia, standing up abruptly from her seat at the vanity and stalking across to the wardrobe.
“Olivia, sit down and talk to me!,” her friend’s voice firm and unyielding. “Something is clearly wrong!”
Olivia turned to her loyal friend and maid; surprise written across her face. Maria had been working for her for a long time and was hard-working, dutiful and had a bit of wicked sense of humor. The pair had bonded closely and became good friends. Olivia had even allowed Maria to call her by her first name. Though even after Maria had married her obnoxious uncle, Sir Toby, the woman still used honorifics quite frequently. So, she was shocked her friend had used her first name. Olivia knew her friend would not tell a soul the secret of her heart if she asked her not to, she was so loyal to her. But, she couldn’t tell Maria, she couldn’t. So, she yanked at the chain of her walls, slamming them shut.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about, I’m perfectly fine-“
She was cut off by Maria raising her voice, though not in anger, just in frustrated concern.
“Olivia, my friend, this may very well be above my station, but I am worried about you! All I know is that you have been unhappy ever since you married Sebastian. And you’ve been running yourself ragged ever since Orsino and Viola have come back. Tell me what is wrong.”
Olivia’s mouth twisted into a bitter hard line and bit back, “Yes, Maria that is above your station.” Olivia knew she was being unreasonable, and her friend was only trying to be helpful, but she was so scared, so she puffed herself up like a hunted animal.
Maria’s eyes flashed with hurt only for a second before barreling on, “Is it Orsino? Do you finally love him and are upset he now has a wife?”
Olivia drew back even further into herself; she knew Maria was getting closer to the answer; she was a clever woman.
Maria eyed her for a sign of confirmation on her face, finding none, she continued, “So it’s not Orsino? Did something happen with Sebastian? Is it-,” she halted abruptly, as though an idea was occurring to her mid-sentence.
All Olivia could do was stand there like a deer in the headlights as Maria looked at her in dawning realization.
“Olivia,” Maria said softly, as if calming a scared animal. “It’s Viola, isn’t it?”
Olivia’s steady frown wobbled slightly as she fought breaking down in front her friend. Her heart was now bare, open in the light and seen for the demanding, destructive thing it was. She felt stripped and exposed, her heart thumping uncomfortably in her throat, eyes shiny with tears. She was vaguely aware of Maria catching and holding her tightly as she suddenly fell to the floor; damn finally broken. She let the pent-up feelings of months of pining and unrequited love out through heavy sobs that wracked her whole body. Soothed only slightly by Maria murmuring soft words of comfort and petting her hair soothingly. She wept and wept into Maria's lap so much that she probably stained her poor friend's dress. She was not sure of how long they sat on the floor with her crying and Maria holding her, but the next thing she knew she was enveloped in her soothing silk blankets, the dark night sky outside her window. She sat up slowly and mulled over the past week and day. With the benefit of hindsight, she could admit that working herself to the bone wasn’t the best way to deal with her problems. She also noticed a small difference in her heart, it somehow felt lighter; she felt lighter. Granted her heart still wept and complained even when own mouth and eyes ceased to. Olivia lay back down and shut her eyes again; perhaps tomorrow would be a better day.
The next morning, she felt mostly the same, still weary but not as tired. She went through her usual morning routine, save the new factor of Maria’s eyes brimming with sympathy and concern every time she looked at her. At least it wasn’t pity, Olivia didn’t think she could stand it if people pitied her. Ready to face the new day with a brave face, she first went to the grand table for breakfast intending to talk to Sebastian. But he was not there. Her head swiveled around the dining room, surveying for any sign of him; nothing. She ate hastily, having some issues she intended to resolve today. “Excuse me,” she called to a harassed looking older kitchen lady. “Have you seen my lord around anywhere? He was not at breakfast.”
The kitchen lady-Mary, Olivia believed her name was, replied in a thin voice, “Yes, my lady, he in his office looking at the post that just came in; seemed rather urgent.”
Olivia frowned, she didn’t like to bother Sebastian in his office, he always seemed a little cagey whenever she went in there. She didn’t want to corner him or put him on edge, so she decided to wait to talk to him.
She then endeavored to go thank Maria for taking care of her the previous night and apologize for her ill behavior. Luckily, she didn’t have to look far, it was a Sunday, and it was dismal outside, so she would most likely be in her now shared chambers with her husband. She knocked on their door, waited a few seconds, heard a rustling near the door and opening. “My lady,” Maria said, surprise evident in her voice. “What can I do for you?”
Olivia twisted her hands uncomfortably together, mustering up the courage to acknowledge what happened last night. She had hoped that Maria might be the one to bring it up, but no such luck. Or maybe she didn’t want to press her.
“IS THAT MY NEICE,” boomed a voice suddenly from the partially concealed room behind Maria. “WHY DON’T YOU INVITE HER IN?” Maria huffed and rolled her eyes fondly and replied back in a much more level tone, “I was just about to, dear.”
Olivia smiled weakly as she entered the room, ambling over to a plush red chair Maria gestured at. “Any tea, my lady?” Maria asked over her shoulder, puttering around the kitchen, filling a copper kettle with water. Olivia politely declined as Sir Toby wandered out a door adjacent to the sitting room. “Olivia!,” exclaimed Sir Toby, less loudly but no less enthusiastically. “How are you my dear?” Olivia opened her mouth to reply, but Sir Toby plowed forward, still talking.
“It is so good to see the newlyweds back in their rightful place, bless the two of them. Something like a spell must come over a couple when they get married, something to marvel at, eh?”
Olivia nodded her head mechanically. She had never been very fond of her uncle; so boisterous, drunk, and rowdy, along with his drinking companion. But he and Maria seemed to have the same temperament for jokes, and he seemed to make her happy, which was good enough for Olivia.
“Toby-dear, I think my lady wished to talk to me alone, yes?,” Maria interrupted his endless spiel of whatever he was talking about.
Sir Toby was mid-sentence, so he closed his mouth abruptly with a clack of his teeth. He stood from the chair he sat in not but a minute ago with a flourish. “Whatever my lady commands,” he said with a hint of sarcasm. Then he bowed himself out of the room with no small about of irony.
Maria chuckled to herself as she sat in the matching red chair opposite Olivia with a cup of tea. The air settled into something more serious and heavier. Olivia steeled herself as Maria pursed her lips in thought and looked at her searchingly.
“How are you, my lady?,” she finally asked softly, eyes open and sympathetic.
“A little better, I suppose,” conceded Olivia, plucking at a fine strand of thread from her dress. “I did want to apologize for how rude I was last night. I was out of line; you were only trying to help.”
Maria dipped her head in thanks, “I appreciate that my lady. But I am worried about how you are doing; would you like to talk about it more?”
Olivia’s heart again gave a painful lurch in her chest, almost as if it was trying to burst forth and flee her body; sick of the heartache.
“W-where do I start,” she choked out, once again cowed by the enormity of her own feelings.
Maria continued to be a pillar of support; steady and non-judgmental before her with a gentle smile on her face, “Wherever you feel comfortable.”
Olivia allowed herself and opened up her insecure heart, explaining everything; her first meeting with Viola, falling headfirst in what she first thought was just a surface-level infatuation (which she had plenty of in the past), her subsequent meetings with Viola, getting married to who she thought was Viola as Cesario, but was really Sebastian. As she got to know Viola outside the guise of Cesario, she began to develop a deeper love for her. That is when she began to get scared, when she wanted to run away and hide. She had plenty of dalliances in the past, a few of which she thought she was in love with. But the feelings she felt with those men in the past paled miserably in comparison to the depth of love she felt for Viola. Maria also gracefully indulged Olivia when she went on a ramble about why she loved Viola so much; the way Viola passionately talked about love. She admired her loyalty, love of her family, her bluntness of speech and opinions, her charm, her wit, her intelligence, her hair, her eyes, her-,”she abruptly stopped describing Viola’s favorable attributes to Maria before her admirations became more intimate and uncouth.
“I…-apologies,” coughed Olivia, flushing a deep scarlet.
The corner of Maria’s mouth had quirked up listening to Olivia’s starry-eyed explanation which had turned into a full smirk at the last comment. Ah, there was that wicked sense of humor Olivia knew so well.
“When I said I wanted to hear everything that is not what I meant, my lady,” said Maria dryly, amusement shimmering in her eyes.
Olivia scoffed in mock indignation and wacked her friend playfully, a real laugh escaping her lips for the first time in weeks.
The air once again settled into something more serious as Maria asked, “What’s going on between you and Sebastian? Do you think you will tell him?”
The levity drained from Olivia’s face and her ever more common frown replaced it.
“I-I’m not sure, he’s just so secretive all the time and we can’t get anywhere with each other because we’re both so walled off.”
Maria took a sip from her still hot tea, seeming to pause to think for a moment. She returned the glass cup to its plate with a soft clang.
“Perhaps if you opened up to him about this, he would be more inclined to open up as well. Better communication never hurts, even if you two will never love each other,” suggested Maria, dishing out sage advice like it was her occupation.
Olivia, while always impressed with her friend’s helpful advice, also blanched at the thought of telling Sebastian.
“Tell Sebastian? Are you insane?” she hissed quietly, as if Sebastian himself was eavesdropping outside the door. “That’s his sister, he’s extremely protective of her-plus, he loves Orsino & he hates me. Yes, I’m sure telling him I’m in love with his married sister will go over swimmingly!”
Great, she was getting fired up again; Olivia quickly brought herself back down to earth by breathing in and out a couple of times.
Maria looked unaffected by her outburst, shrugging her shoulders nonchalantly, “Its just a suggestion, my lady. I think it would benefit you both.”
Olivia now a little more clear-headed, mulled over Maria’s advice in her head; speed running each hypothetical outcome if she took her advice. The more likely outcome would be that Sebastian would be outrageously appalled that she was in love with his siter. Her life could be ruined. But was there even a small possibility that he wouldn’t mind? Or that he would take pity on her? Could she take that chance?
“I’ll think about it Maria,” Olivia concluded hesitantly, hands once again twisted nervously in her skirts.
There was a small lapse in conversation where all you could hear in the room was the pitter and patter of movement around the household. Maria punctured the calm silence with the question Olivia least wanted her to voice, but that she knew was inevitable all the same.
“…Do you think you will tell her?” It was asked calmly and with no expectations, but to Olivia it felt as if the question was screamed at her.
Now her heart felt as if it was actually making a strong effort to escape her chest with how rapidly it was beating.
“I… some parts of me want to tell her but some parts of me don’t. I don’t think I could live with myself is she hated me though,” Olivia whispered croakily into the still room. She could love Viola in the way she wanted and in return Viola loved her as friend. But what if she couldn’t even have her platonic love? Olivia valued her friendship with the woman highly, but she still yearned, ached for the kind of intimate, passionate love with her.
“Well, you should evaluate what parts you want to listen to in this instance. I can’t make this decision for you,” her friend said firmly though not unkindly.
Olivia twitched uncomfortably but knew her friend was right. She would have to be brave and take the leap herself.
“I know,” she murmured quietly, eyes downturned, gazing fixedly at her lap as though she was being scolded.
“Why don’t you rest for longer my lady, you had an exhausting week,” urged Maria gently, taking a hearty sip from her tea.
Olivia smiled, warmed by her friend’s concern, “I will rest later after I have talked with Sebastian. I know I must face my problems instead of running from them; it’s the only way I’ll move forward.”
A light smile spread on Maria’s face,” A day for tough conversations, huh?” she said teasingly, before her face transformed into something more tender, softly murmuring, “I’m proud of you though, Olivia.”
Olivia felt the telltale of prickle of tears in her eyes, this time, happy ones. They both stood from their chairs and embraced each other in a warm hug.
“Thank you, Maria,” Olivia whispered into her friend’s hair. “You’re one of the best friends a person could ask for.”
Maria answered back with a light squeeze before they both stepped back. “You as well my lady.”
They bid each other farewell as Olivia went out on her next mission to talk to Sebastian.
Olivia was halfway through the grand foyer went she bumped into Mary, who seemed marginally less stressed than she was before.
“-Oh! Apologies my lady,” squawked the older woman, holding a small bundle of papers.
“No apology needed Mary,” Olivia brushed off. “Has my lord left his study yet?”
“Ah, yes my lady, last I saw him he was entering his chambers,” Mary said, rearranging the bundles.
Olivia thanked the woman and traversed back to the corridor where her own chambers and her husband’s chambers were. She rapped lightly on his door before tentatively speaking up.
“Sebastian? Its Olivia, may I come in?”
A muffled voice came from beyond the door,”… Yes, come in.”
Olivia stepped into her husband’s chambers for only the 3rd time since they had been married. The first time was on their wedding night when they were, naturally, supposed to consummate their marriage. Olivia remembered that horrid and embarrassing night in frightening detail, almost as if it had been burned into her brain. The two had still been dressed in their fine wedding garb as they had trudged to their shared bedchamber as if they were being sent to the gallows. Once in the bedchamber, Olivia had realized that she couldn’t go through with it, she had spared a look at Sebastian and noticed that he had evidently been in the same boat. He had looked at the objectively quite lavish bed with fervent terror as if he was waiting for it to burst into flames. The two had then turned to each other and came to a mutual silent agreement to leave and never speak of the fact they had not fulfilled a vital part of their marriage.
The 2nd time had been by accident, Olivia had still been getting used to the fact that the room that had once been used for storage was now her husband’s separate chambers. She had been quite overwhelmed and needed a place she could hide where no one would look for her, naturally she had chosen the storage room, but alas it was now filled with an ornate silk bed and an equally ornate wood furniture set. Stepping into his room in the present day, Olivia noticed the room remained mostly unchanged, save for the new fine deep green curtains sitting a top the window as well as new trinkets and personal items. The owner of the room himself was standing in front of his wardrobe seemingly looking for something, but turned when Olivia came in. Sebastian for all that he was a proud and masculine man was surprisingly on edge whenever she came to close into his space. He was currently eyeing her a bit nervously, frown line wrinkling his otherwise unmarred forehead.
“Is something wrong?,” he asked tentatively, stepping away from the closet.
Olivia still stood in the doorway, wondering if she was welcome in his space. “Not as such, I’d just like to talk,” she said as nonchalantly as possible.
If possible, Sebastian’s frown deepened, and his eyebrows flew towards his hairline. “Talk? About what?”
Alright, now he was just being purposely evasive, he knew what they needed to talk about. Olivia was just surprised, Sebastian was usually so pragmatic and brave, why was he shying away from talking with her?
Olivia set her jaw and prepared herself for a long and harrowing conversation. “Sebastian, I think you know what; we are husband and wife whether either of us likes it or not! Yet we hardly talk or see one another! And you are just so closed off! We will just stay miserable in this marriage if we continue to avoid and not talk to one another!” she said sharply, voice steadily increasing in volume.
Immediately after she shouted, she regretted it. She knew she was being hypocritical and unfair in placing the burden of guilt entirely on his shoulders. She had had her walls locked up tight too and she had also played a role in speaking to him. She paused to collect herself and tried not to let her frustration at their current predicament affect having a civilized conversation.
“I’m sorry,” she breathed out. “I didn’t mean to shout.”
Sebastian still looked extremely chastised, eyes shadowed with embarrassment and remorse.
“I’m sorry too, I haven’t exactly been forthcoming with you, which I know goes both ways. But I don’t blame or hate you, Olivia. I never have,” Sebastian said barely above a whisper, now sat on his bed, back hunched.
Olivia’s throat constricted painfully as she gazed at the proud man who was now folded in on himself, looking rather pathetic.
“I appreciate it Sebastian, thank you. I think it is safe to say we are both somewhat responsible for our situation,” she said, trying ease his guilt slightly.
His face steadfastly remained dour and sorrowful, “I can agree with that notion, but I feel as if I have failed somehow as a man by not standing by the vow I made before you and God.”
Though Olivia’s heart, body and soul protested she replied, “Sebastian I’ve been grappling with the same issue… but we can still honor our vows we made-its not too late.”
At this reply, Sebastian visibly winced as if appalled by the suggestion. Olivia could not blame him; consummating her vows and acting as a loving wife to him was not exactly appealing to her, but perhaps it would assuage their guilty consciences. She did not want to lie to Sebastian, but she could not starve her heart like this either.
“Olivia,” Sebastian began, voice wispy and strained, “ I don’t think I do that. . . I-“ His voice trailed off, his eyes darting around the room anxiously as if waiting to be attacked.
“Sebastian?,” Olivia promoted softy, recognizing the cagey and fearful look of a cornered animal, the expression she was sure was on her own face when Maria had questioned her.
“I’m love with someone else,” he blurted out, eyes still looking at everywhere but at her. “I-look, I just realized it the other day myself and I think I was lying to myself when I agreed to marry you.”
Olivia blew out a breath she had not known she had been holding. Well, the two of them made quite a pair, didn’t they? She did have a lot of questions though, some of which she did not know if he would answer.
“Why did you agree to marry me then?,” she asked curiously, voice void of judgement.
Sebastian still looked uncomfortable, though marginally less stressed as his posture relaxed somewhat. “I… suppose, you were a very beautiful woman who seemed enamored with me and I figured that would be the best way to run from my feelings. . . Its selfish I know.”
Olivia blinked several times and realized the two of them were in remarkably similar situations. Maybe this could be beneficial for both of them. Just then she realized that she was still standing close to the door, and she moved to stand closer to the bed.
“Is it alright if I sit down,” she said quietly, scared to break the thin veil of honesty and comfortability between them.
Sebastian nodded before opening his mouth to speak, seemingly emboldened by Olivia’s calm reaction, “Look, I haven’t been entirely honest with you. I… I’ve been exchanging letters with Antonio for a little while and I’ve been trying to push down how I feel about him, but I need to be honest with myself and with you, I’m sorry.”
For the second time in this conversation, Olivia felt as if she had been hit upside the head, confused and a little bit hazy. Antonio… she thought, struggling to put the name to a face.
Antonio?,” she hesitantly probed, curious as to who Sebastian was speaking of. Immediately at the name, Sebastian’s eyes softened, and a tender smile graced his face.
“Yes,” he confirmed softly and a little dreamily, “I don’t think you met him, but he was the one who saved me from drowning when our ship crashed. He is a devoted and kind man, though I am afraid I spurned his affections when we first met.”
Olivia’s lips could not help but twitch with how taken with Antonio he seemed. Olivia also could not muster up the anger and hurt a wife should probably feel after finding out her husband has been unfaithful; she was simply happy for him.
Sebastian for his part seemed to have zoned out, gaze fixed and mind far away from the conversation for a moment before snapping back to the present, looking somewhat hesitant.
“I apologize for not telling you sooner Olivia, I was merely so afraid of my own feelings and forgot my duty as a husband. You have every right to be furious with me,” Sebastian said mournfully, eyes finally meeting hers.
They stared at one another for a beat before Olivia burst out laughing in a most unladylike way. She laughed and laughed as Sebastian gawked at her, confused and a little afraid. She laughed more until her ribs started to hurt and she needed to stop for air. There were small chuckles interspersed with her deep breaths as she regained composure. Sebastian merely sat there, looking at her as if she had grown another head.
“Olivia?,” Sebastian questioned warily as if he thought this was a precursor to an oncoming fit of rage.
Olivia smiled a little bit as his confusion still chuckling softy, “Sorry, Sebastian I wasn’t laughing at you. I was just laughing of how insanely similar both of our situations are and the stupidity of it.”
Sebastian raised an eyebrow. “Our situations?”
Olivia nodded, now feeling brave enough to tell him the truth.
“Well, Sebastian, to tell you the truth, I’ve been agonizing over the exact same thing. I’ve also been pining for someone else as well.”
Sebastian stared at her blank-faced for a beat as though stunned by this information. He recovered from his shock before breaking out in relieved laughter. “Goodness, thank makes me feel a bit better about my situation!”
Olivia smiled along with his hearty laughter even as apprehension started to seep into her heart again. Surely next he would ask whom she was pining over? Would he have as much of a positive reaction when he found out she was in love with his married sister?
Sebastian ceased his laughter slowly, a curious grin on his face when he asked, “Who is it?”
Without hesitation, the answer burst forth from Olivia’s lips without her permission, “…Viola” Again, the unladening of her secret to another was like a massive weight being removed from her chest, allowing her to breath properly again. That secret had sullied her tongue for far too long and kept residency solely in her mind, it was good to share it with others.
For the 2nd time that night, Sebastian stared at her blank-faced for several seconds, the only sounds she could hear being the noisiness of her own thoughts racketing around her head at a million miles a minute. The defeating silence stretched on for so long that her eardrums started to ring unpleasantly.
Suddenly broken out of his stupor Sebastian spoke haltingly, “Viola? As in. . . my sister?” Most disconcerting was that Olivia could not distinguish the emotion on his face, his face not blank, but a myriad of emotions.
Olivia nodded in affirmation tentatively, words suddenly caught in her throat. The silence continued to drag on for a couple more painful seconds before Sebastian spoke again.
“Does she know?”
Olivia shook her head, still struck mute. Sebastian continued to stare at her, seeming to be processing the information.
“How long have you been in love with her?,” he asked in an off-hand way as if he was simply asking about the weather.
Olivia slightly intimidated by his calm interrogation, opened her mouth and closed it several times before replying, “From the moment I met her.” Her heart thumped unsteadily at her own bold honesty.
Sebastian’s eyes softened and gave her a sad smile full of understanding. He angled his body so his was face hers and took her hands gently in his. Olivia was struck by how similar his hands were to Viola’s, albeit a bit larger and with more calluses. But the warmth and shape of his hands were frighteningly familiar; if Olivia closed her eyes now she could almost imagine it was Viola’s hands instead of her brother’s.
She mentally shook herself out of her foolish little fantasy and met Sebastian’s eyes. His blue eyes (so similar to hers) were still soft, glimmering with so much understanding it was almost hard to look at.
“Olivia, I understand. I understand more than you realize. I know what’s it like to deal with these kind of feelings; the denial, the self-hatred, the fear, the guilt. I’m only sorry that we didn’t confide in one another sooner, so we didn’t have deal with them alone,” he said warmly though his eyes are glazed over, perhaps thinking of his own battle with self-acceptance.
Olivia was unsurprised when she felt pressure building in the back of her nose and her eyes starting to tingle, signaling oncoming tears. Her emotions have been extremely fragile and volatile, so her tears are almost expected at this point.
Sebastian’s hands curl slightly tighter around her own, grounding her to the moment before he adds, “I also know that Viola that cares about you a great deal and would want to know about something like this.”
Olivia eyes turn wide and panicked, neck snapping up to look at him with an audible crack.
“No, no,” he reassures her quickly, as if reading her mind. “I won’t tell her, ultimately it is up to you and will respect whatever choice you make.”
Olivia deflates in relief, letting out a weary sigh. Sebastian relinquishes his grounding but gentle hold on her hands and the two of them sit in a more comfortable silence for a moment before Sebastian asks quietly, “Do you need a hug?”
Olivia was a very tactile person, especially during times of emotional stress, but was afraid to push that particular boundary since their mutual understanding and respect was so fresh. So, she almost leapt at the offer to receive physical comfort. She leaned forward to burrow into his arms, wrapping her arms around his neck. She relaxed a fraction more, reveling in this platonic comfort. She also felt his body grow lax as he too relaxed into the embrace. Being a naturally tactile person, but also a lady of an elevated position, she sometimes had to deny her body that comfort for propriety’s sake.
In more formal situations, where she was Lady Olivia or Countess Olivia, where she was simply an enviable, regal figure; it was easier to forget how much she really lacked. It was easier to forget how much she missed her family and the immeasurable comfort they used to bring her. But in tender, vulnerable moments like this, soul bared and aching, her loneliness struck her like a bolt of thunder.
They stayed wrapped up in the embrace for a couple more moments, both of them seeming to need this physical solace.
They pulled back from one another and Olivia felt a thrum of contentment of in her heart at the newfound connection and understanding she had with the man. Hopefully they were on a fast track to becoming good friends now.
He assessed her by giving her a quick look up and down. “You look tired, you should get some rest.”
Olivia’s lips quirked by slightly and puffed air out of her nose in amusement, “That’s exactly what Maria said earlier; two against one I suppose.”
Sebastian grinned playfully in return with a flash of his white teeth, “Smart women that Maria.”
Olivia’s heart lightened even more as the two traded cautious banter, testing out the waters. Even as Olivia felt her bones getting heavy and head growing fuzzy with tiredness, she continued to talk to him. The conversation was much more enjoyable and comfortable now that the two had traded their secrets and found a commonality.
They talked for what seemed like hours until the light pouring from the windows had faded and the sky outside had turned an inky black.
After that day’s enlightening but emotionally exhausting conversation with Maria and Sebastian, Olivia spent the next few weeks as she usually did. However, as she went through her daily routine, both of their advice hung ever present in the back of her mind. More and more she would run through the same scenario in her head; her confessing to Viola. On days when she was more optimistic, her brain conjured up Viola’s sympathy and platonic affection but ultimate rejection. On her more pessimistic days, her brain was more ruthless; where Viola aggressively rejected her and broke off their friendship. Only on her most fantastical days and in the morning when the dregs of sleep were still clinging to her could she imagine Viola returning her love.
On those mornings when her brain liked to taunt her, she kept herself particularly busy. Another week came and passed as usual, the only difference being the noticeable weight of Sebastian’s worry and sympathy along with Maria’s. Their concern for her, while endearing, only made the idea of confessing to Viola weigh more heavily on the forefront of her mind. Soon enough, she found that she could not think of anything else.
Then one morning, a painfully regular day, she decided that she would confess her feelings to Viola. Her tentative bravery along with the weight of it on her brain and heart finally gave her the push. Thankfully today was a Sunday, a day when both she and Viola were free of responsibilities. Katherine and another maid got her ready rather hastily as if sensing her antsy-ness. That morning, she had requested a more done up hairstyle and one of her prettier gowns, a dusky blue dress with muted blue embroidery. She dressed up in hopes that Viola would like it, but also to give herself a boost of confidence. She thanked her maids and made her way out of the house.
She crossed across the front of her estate, passing the stable and pasture where Dawn was out grazing. Olivia paused for a moment to pet the mare who vocalized her happiness who a soft neigh. Olivia felt a little better after petting Dawn and continued her walk towards Orsino’s estate. She walked on the carriage-worn path through the sprawling grass. There was only about a 10-minute walk between her own estate and Orsino’s, but it gave her some time to settle her nerves. She was recentering herself by taking in several exaggerated breaths when she saw her. It was Viola. The woman herself was strolling along the worn trail a few meters ahead. Olivia’s heart started to thump rapidly in her chest, a mixture of panicked anticipation and excitement.
“Viola!,” Olivia called. At the sound of her voice, the other woman’s head snapped up from where she was looking on the side of the trail. Even with the meters separating them, Olivia could see a pleased smile light up Viola’s face as she saw her. Viola than gestured to the other woman to join her where she was. Olivia sped up her steps until she was right beside her, looking down to where Viola was stooped down beside what looked to be a downed bird nest. Laying in the nest was a small forest green egg that looked rather sad and alone all by itself.
Olivia also stooped down beside Viola to get a better look at the thing.
“I’m so glad you’re here,” Viola murmured softly, as if not to disturb the egg. “I don’t want to leave it here, but I’m not sure if the mother will come back.”
Olivia hummed in agreement, carefully looking back at the egg and recognized it, “It’s a nightingale egg!” Also adding,” I’m not sure if the mother will come back to the nest either. It won’t last long out in the middle of road though.”
Viola frowned sadly at the egg and looked as though the cogs were turning quickly in her brain. The other woman seemed to come to a decision promptly because she carefully lifted the nest of off the road and stood up.
Viola looked at Olivia with a determined look in her eyes, “ I couldn’t just leave it there to get hurt. I’ll take it home with me.”
Olivia momentarily forgot what she wanted to say her as she looked at the nest now cradled carefully in the other woman’s hand.
She locked eyes with Viola, a playful smirk now set upon her face, “Oh so you’re taking the egg home? That’s unfair, we haven’t even discussed custody yet.”
Viola seemed taken aback by the playful jibe, but quickly recovered, responding teasingly, “Well, we’ll just have to co-parent than.”
There was a slight pause before the both of them started to laugh, Viola more carefully so as to not jostle the egg and Olivia with a blush on her face at the mere prospect of co-parenting with Viola.
As their laughter began to dwindle down, angry storm clouds started to form, and droplets of rain began to follow. Their laughter died down abruptly as the pair began to look for shelter before the rain picked up.
“There!,” Viola shouted suddenly, pointing to a cluster of large willow trees in the middle of the meadow. The pair hastened towards the trees as the ran as rain began to beat down harder. Olivia let out a breath as she made to safety under the canopy of leaves. Viola again lagged behind slightly, taking great care not to disturb the egg. Just as Viola made it under the safety of trees, the heavens opened up. Rain pelted down, making a peaceful pitter-patter as it hit the earth. Rain sneaked through the small branch gaps and small droplets of water gently kissed their faces. They laughed quietly as they admired the natural beauty of the rain blessing the earth. The two shared a peaceful silence for a for a few minutes, getting lost in the simple wonder of rain.
Olivia’s tranquility was rudely interrupted by her brain reminding her to confess her feelings to Viola.
Shit. Shit. She had completely forgotten. Great, all she wanted to do now was slam her own head into the tree trunk to just get out of this situation. She felt panic rise in throat, sour and biting.
No! No, you idiot,” a bolder voice in her head reprimanded. “No backtracking, she’s right there! Just tell her!”
“I can’t do that!,” she shouted shrilly at the voice. “What if she hates me?”
“Well, it was your idea,” the bold voice retorted snidely, as if that settled the argument.
Olivia and the stubborn voice in head squabbled for a few moments before she pulled herself together. Hesitantly she turned to Viola, the other woman stilling gazing at the downpour, a calm and content look on her face. Her blonde hair was slightly damp and clinging to her face. Her face and dress were also wet, the rain having stained her dress a deeper red in places. The water on her face made in glisten, as if it were diamonds instead of rain. Olivia briefly thought she would not look out of place in the Sistine Chapel.
“Viola?,” she finally uttered, voice breaking slightly. Viola did not turn to look at her, seemly enchanted by the rain, but answered softly, “Yes?”
Olivia took several breaths to steady herself before breathing out, “I…have something to tell you.”
Viola seemed to hear the urgency and anxiety in her voice because she finally turned to look at her, concerned, “Is everything alright, Olivia?”
Olivia mustered a weak smile in affirmation but felt like her heart was rising in her throat as if ready to fly away and tell her, “Good riddance, but I can’t deal with you anymore! You’re own your own!”
Viola continued to stare in concern as she soothed, “You know you can me anything.”
Olivia chewed her lips nervously before finally saying, rather loudly, “I’m in love with you.”
Viola’s face turned blank and stared at her wordlessly. Her reaction was incredibly similar to Sebastian’s except the silence was 10 times as nerve-wracking. Olivia desperately searched the other woman’s face for anything, but it remained remarkably unreadable. Again, all was quiet except for the frantic beating of her own heart (which thankfully had not abandoned her yet) and the gentle sound of the rain.
All of a sudden, Viola seemed to be working though a myriad of emotions at once if the pained look on her face was anything to go back. Viola finally broke the devasting silence with a gentle murmur of her name, “Olivia.” Her voice was hushed.
Viola paused once again before carrying on, sadness and regret brimming in her eyes, “Thank you for telling me, Olivia, I know that must have been hard. Does Sebastian know this?”
Olivia pursed her lips, wondering if Viola knew of Sebastian emotional correspondence with Antonio. But it wasn’t her secret to tell, so she kept quiet and simply nodded in response to the question. She was still strung tight with nerves, waiting for Viola’s response.
However, Viola seemed intent on a certain line of questioning, brow furrowed and face pensive as she asked, “How did he react?”
Olivia swallowed uncomfortably, heart still lodged in her throat as she replied, “He took the news well; he was very understanding.” She was now growing a little impatient and increasingly anxious waiting for Viola’s response.
Viola considered the information for a moment, clearly wanting to ask about the well-being of Sebastian more. However, her inquiring gaze shifted to one of sadness before she finally replied,
“I’m sorry Olivia, but I do not love you like that. You are my dearest friend and I care about you greatly. But I cannot spare your feelings by lying to you. That would be cruel.”
Though Olivia had almost been expecting this, actually hearing those words was like a physical blow to the chest. Her heart deflated and sniffled pathetically. But it could not be helped. Viola was nothing if not honest and direct, which was something Olivia admired. Even though her heart was hurting badly and her affections rejected, Olivia was not so selfish and bitter to be mad at Viola. It would be incredibly rude and audacious of her to get mad at Viola’s honest feelings. She felt no anger, no frustration, just slightly somber acceptance. Viola looked at her, sadness evident in her eyes, clearly a little guilty.
Olivia finally managed to speak, hoping her dejection did not show too much through her voice, “I hope we can still be friends, Viola, your friendship means a great deal to me.”
Viola’s own somber expression brightened slightly, “Of course, Olivia, your friendship also means a lot of me.”
Olivia’s mood also brightened marginally as the rain started to slow and the dark clouds began to dissipate. The sun began to peek over the fluffy white clouds and flood the soaked ground with light again. Hesitantly, the two stepped out of the refuge of the willow branches and once more both marveled at the beauty of the sun-speckled grass and the perky stalks of wheat.
Viola then turned to give her tender hug and Olivia could almost physically feel the love the other woman had for her, even if it was a different love than the one she harbored. It was still love. Plain and simple. Maybe this was a lesson; platonic feelings were just as valuable, just as important, just as treasured as romantic feelings. Though Olivia was starting to understand that notion a little better now, it did not erase the powerful romantic feelings she had towards the women. But their strong friendship made the sting of her unrequited love hurt a little less. Just because Viola didn’t love her back in the way that she wanted, didn’t mean their relationship would be any less fulfilling. Even as she told herself these sentiments her wounds were fresh and stung painfully. She would have to deal with that for now.
They both pulled back from the embrace, Olivia rather reluctantly. Thankfully it didn’t seem as if Olivia’s passionate love confession had made things awkward between them. Olivia marveled for a moment at how gracious Viola’s reaction was. Then again, she had always been a surprising woman.
Viola lay a warm hand on her shoulder, “Thank you for telling me, Olivia. I hope you find the kind of love you want and deserve, even if it is not with my brother.”
Olivia managed a gentle smile before they both wished each other goodbye. Viola went home to think, and Olivia left to lick her wounds.
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Epilogue
In the coming weeks things remained relatively the same. Olivia’s perpetually demanding and loud heart still ached sometimes. Unrequited love was not so quickly healed. But she went about her days as usual and found new comfort in her blossoming friendship with Sebastian. Olivia always liked to hear about his correspondences with Antonio and he was eager to oblige. She and Viola still exchanged letters when busy and met with each other when they could. Although her heart still ached sometimes when she looked at Viola, Olivia did not let it hinder their friendship. Also true to her word, Viola remained a loyal and devoted friend. And as the weeks turned into months Olivia’s heart began to hurt a little less, drawing comfort from her friends. Sebastian finally told Viola of his passionate correspondence with Antonio, Viola having graciously accepting the news. After Viola was informed, the two lovers ached to see one another and finally be together. Olivia generously offered to let Antonio move into her estate to be with Sebastian, despite him being a wanted man in Illyria. Thankfully, after several meetings between Antonio and Orsino, along with some persuading from Viola, Antonio’s criminal charge was lifted. Viola and Olivia also came up with an actual agreement to co-parent the nightingale chick, now named Marigold. As Olivia’s heart healed more, the reality of co-parenting a bird became more and more hilarious to her. As Marigold continued to grow, she became quite the talk of the town and a subject the two women endlessly bonded over. Eventually, the months turned into years and while Olivia’s feelings for Viola never entirely left, her demanding heart was finally content and full, surrounded by her friends.